The 107+ Best Tea Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

I like people as I like my tea...

In a bag...

And underwater

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper-tea is theft!

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

What did the native do after he spilled his tea?

he became naive.

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."

Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"

Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

What's a dictator's favorite kind of tea?

Cruel tea.

Ba dum tiss.

Refusing tea with grandma

A guy was invited to tea by his grandmother. He declined. When asked why he answered "I don't accept cookies".

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

reality

What kind of tea is easiest to make?

A simplici-tea.

What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.

And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.

The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."

The seco...

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

three couples are sitting down for some evening tea

one of the three men says to his wife “can you pass the sugar, sugar?”

the second husband thinks it’s cute how his friend called his wife “sugar” while asking for the sugar. not wanting to be outdone he attempts to one-up his friend by sweetly asking his own wife, “can you pass the honey, hon...

Client: I want a cup of tea, please.

Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?

Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?

Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.

Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar.

Even in the metric system you serve tea in tea cups, and not in

tea liters.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a tampon and a tea bag?

If you don't know the difference I'm definitely NOT going to drink tea at your place!

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tea aficionado named “Patrick”…

A tea aficionado named Patrick moved to London to have a wide variety of teas available at his corner store. But that wasn’t enough. He soon began to use all the money he earned to travel the world to taste different styles of tea.

Obviously, he first went China many times, and backpacked to...

I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.

I am going to call it Boba Fetish.

Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee?

Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

Why do British people put milk in their tea?

It's not clear.

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

What's every men favourite type of tea?

Tea Tea's

What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup

A storm brewing

What’s the difference between a tea bag and the French National Team?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

The cost of forgetting fresh, hot tea...

...is steep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

The "EA" in TEA is silent.

Because you need to pay to unlock it.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

Little known fact: as a joke, Peter Jackson made some of the Ents drink tea and chat in the background during the big fight scene at Isengard in the Two Towers

In other words, the real joke is in the calm Ents.

What happened when the duckling fell in the tea cup

He quacked it…

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.

After I bought the can an opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at why my beverage was playing rap music at me, but then I realized why.

I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.

What’s a Mandolorian’s favorite tea?

Boba

Do you know how does a hot tea call his brothers and sisters?

Siplings.

A toddler, was giving her daddy a tea party

She brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course. After several cups of tea , her Mom came home, Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here she come down the...

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original?

Novel-tea

What tea tastes like milk?

Tit-tea

Tea-bagging people when they pass out is funny as hell

The other dentists at my surgery have no sense of humour.

Did you hear about the Native American who died after drinking 100 cups of tea

He died in his tea pee

What's a civil engineer's favorite type of tea?

Structural integri-tea

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

People have had enough of me eating beans and drinking Chinese tea without explaining why I'm doing so

"This has been happening for far too long" they said.

"This has been happening for fart oolong", I replied.

Why did the tea enthusiast get kicked out of the Taiwanese tea shop?

Because he took toolong.

What kind of bird becomes fluffy and absorbent if you put tea in front of it?

An owl.

What do you call a tea without mass?

Empty

How far did the tea guy have to go to get the tea?

A chamoMILE

I've become immortal by drinking tea!

There is a steep price...

A joke from my 7 year old... What do you call a man who dips biscuits into his cup of tea?

Duncan

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).

He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

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I think the wife's doing salad for tea tonight.

Either that, or the smoke alarm's fucked.

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the wease...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

What tea does Batman drink?

**Vigilan-tea**

I’ll excuse myself now.

Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was j...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

Why did Karl marx dislike earl grey tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing

repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

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An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"

The American ...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party.

His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor. She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.

What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready?

It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back

Have you heard of the Indian Chief who drank 15 cups of tea before bed time?

He drowned in his teepee

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

Quality Assurance in Tea

My uncle was a tea tester. He had to test teas.

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when the string falls in my tea.

Like, great, now how do I get the tampon out without burning my fingers?

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.

His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

How does an american make a cup of tea

They Boil a cup of boston harbour water

Tsunami invited Cyclone,Earthquake,and Drought to a tea party.

No one came.

Tsunami had a silent tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

What does a camel ask when they give you a cup of tea?

One hump or two?

TIL that the most fertile land for growing tea

Is located in Chai land

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"

The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.

My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

Why should you always bring your own cup to a spy's tea party?

Their cups are always chipped.

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea.

When 3 nuns walk in and sit at the table next to her. They start talking about where they want to go on vacation.

The second nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem?"

Mother Superior says "No, too many jews there."

The third nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to N...

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?

Spaghett-tea

Thank you

What do workers in a tea factory never get?

Coffee breaks

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

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