Tea Jokes - 98 Hilarious Tea Jokes

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

If you replace your morning coffee with green tea .....

You can lose up to 87% of what little joy you have left in your life.

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

My grandfather swore by adding a spoonful of gunpowder to his tea every morning.

He said it was a very old remedy to help him live longer, and it worked: he lived to the ripe old age of ninety-seven.

He left a widow, two children, fourteen grandchildren and a fifty-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.

Why do Communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper-tea is theft!

I like people as I like my tea...

In a bag...

And underwater

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for tea you are a terrible parent.

I don't care how busy you are, find the time to microwave them first at least.

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

Why doesn't Michael Jackson drink coffee?

Because he prefers "Tea-hee!"

What did the native do after he spilled his tea?

he became naive.

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."

Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"

Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

Refusing tea with grandma

A guy was invited to tea by his grandmother. He declined. When asked why he answered "I don't accept cookies".

Last night I paused the film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.

The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."

The seco...

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

Even in the metric system you serve tea in tea cups, and not in

tea liters.

Why did Dolly Parton refuse to have tea with Kate Middleton?

Because high tea is always 4pm and she works 9 to 5.

Lame. But this was in the news the other week. Dolly actually did refuse to have tea with Kate.....there's a joke here, somewhere. Do you have it?

What's a dictator's favorite kind of tea?

Cruel tea.

Ba dum tiss.

three couples are sitting down for some evening tea

one of the three men says to his wife “can you pass the sugar, sugar?”

the second husband thinks it’s cute how his friend called his wife “sugar” while asking for the sugar. not wanting to be outdone he attempts to one-up his friend by sweetly asking his own wife, “can you pass the honey, hon...

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

While visiting India , Donald Trump is invited
to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people.
Trump asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says ...

What kind of tea is easiest to make?

A simplici-tea.

What kind of tea is most calming?
A sereni-tea.

And what kind od tea is most bitter?
A reali-tea.

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

reality

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tea aficionado named “Patrick”…

A tea aficionado named Patrick moved to London to have a wide variety of teas available at his corner store. But that wasn’t enough. He soon began to use all the money he earned to travel the world to taste different styles of tea.

Obviously, he first went China many times, and backpacked to...

If a male video game character squats on a downed opponent it's called "Tea Bagging" when a female character does it it's called...

"Clam Dipping"

Every once in a while I have a cup of tea while I'm reading

It's a novelty

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I got some viagra tea bags for Xmas. They don't improve your sex life.

But they stop your biscuits going soft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"

The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"

The American ...

Client: I want a cup of tea, please.

Waiter: 2 teaspoons of sugar ?

Client: No, I want 5. Is it the same price ?

Waiter: Yes, sugar is free.

Client: OK, don't bring the tea, I want 2 lbs sugar.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

The "EA" in TEA is silent.

Because you need to pay to unlock it.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

Why did the tea enthusiast get kicked out of the Taiwanese tea shop?

Because he took toolong.

What's every men favourite type of tea?

Tea Tea's

How far did the tea guy have to go to get the tea?

A chamoMILE

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

Why do British people put milk in their tea?

It's not clear.

What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!

The cost of forgetting fresh, hot tea...

...is steep.

What is an astronaut’s favorite tea?

Gravitea

What’s a Mandolorian’s favorite tea?

Boba

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a tampon and a tea bag?

If you don't know the difference I'm definitely NOT going to drink tea at your place!

What tea tastes like milk?

Tit-tea

What do you call thunder and lightning in a tea cup

A storm brewing

What’s the difference between a tea bag and the French National Team?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

What tea does Batman drink?

**Vigilan-tea**

I’ll excuse myself now.

I've become immortal by drinking tea!

There is a steep price...

[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original?

Novel-tea

Tea Set

One day my Grandma was out, and my Grandpa was in charge of me. I was maybe
2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grandpa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was j...

What do you call a Star Wars themed bubble tea party?

A Boba Fête

What's a civil engineer's favorite type of tea?

Structural integri-tea

Who had the tea party during the boston tea party?

The fish

An underage weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "I'm sorry. I can't serve underage weasels."

The weasel says, "That's fine. I don't need something alcoholic. What else do you have?"

The bartender says "Oh, we have lots! We have water, pop, tea, coffee, smoothies. What would you like?"

"Pop," goes the wease...

What do you call a tea without mass?

Empty

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Sweet Tea

A doctor walks in an exam room to find a woman crying. She has two black eyes, her make up is running, and generally looks like shit. This is not going to be a standard check-up, he thinks to himself. "What happened to you?" asked the Doc.

The woman breaks down even further and can ba...

Tea-bagging people when they pass out is funny as hell

The other dentists at my surgery have no sense of humour.

What happened when the duckling fell in the tea cup

He quacked it…

What's the most bitter tea in existence?

Reality
*cries in the corner*

Quality Assurance in Tea

My uncle was a tea tester. He had to test teas.

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

What tea is the best tea?

TNT.

Seriously, it's the bomb.

I want to open a Star Wars themed cafe that caters to people who are obsessed with bubble tea.

I am going to call it Boba Fetish.

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A man meets a beautiful, really sexy girl.

He really wants her. So he invites her to a movie, and she tells him:

\- Listen, if it's sex you're after, then there is no need to get me dinners, movie evenings and all that. Just buy me a good Swiss Army knife.

The guy thinks. It's true, he's not interested in something long-term, s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc, you gotta help me!

A man goes to the doctors and says "Doc, you gotta help me!"

The doctor says "What's your problem?"

The guy says "Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'.. I give the missus a quick one, then go to work. On the way to work I car pool with the next door neighbor's wife who gi...

Coffee is just bean tea!

Just let that steep for a few minutes

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

I had gotten a coupon for 50% off an Arizona Ice Tea yesterday.

After I bought the can an opened it, I suddenly heard a bunch of beats and rap music coming out of the can. I was really confused at why my beverage was playing rap music at me, but then I realized why.

I had gotten 50 cent Ice T.

With the current international situation, you'd think that the Russian Tea Rooms in New York would be experiencing a downturn in business. Quite the contrary, business is so good, they've expanded...

...into the Ukrainian Village Restaurant on 2nd Ave.

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure.

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

A lady at a tea shop

A lady went to a tea shop and ordered a cup of tea, she has a sip, and realizes that it was amazing! She asks the owner of the place, "wow! Your tea tastes great! Why is it so good?"

The owner replies "thanks! It's my specialtea!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my grandfather for twenty dollars.

"Twenty dollars?!" he said. "For what?"

"To buy groceries," I told him.

"When I was a boy," my grandfather said. "My mama would give me one dollar, just *one dollar*, and I'd go to the store and come home with two loaves of bread, two sacks of potatoes, a carton of eggs, three bottles ...

Do you know how does a hot tea call his brothers and sisters?

Siplings.

The whole family are having breakfast together when…

The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.

His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer,"...

I was gonna make a cup of tea

But it took oolong to boil

Did you hear about the Native American who died after drinking 100 cups of tea

He died in his tea pee

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

Why did Karl marx dislike earl grey tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?

Spaghett-tea

Thank you

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

What's the worst kind of tea?

Emptea!

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

More Tea!

An old Native American Chief was meeting with some Colonists for the first time. He welcomes then into his teepee and the meeting begins. As a show of good faith they offered him some tea and he absolutely loved it! The meetings conclude and the Colonists leave him some extra tea so he can enjoy it ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fella goes to a building site to see if there are any jobs going.

"Maybe," says the foreman. "Can you make tea?"

"Sure," says the fella, "I can make tea like a pro."

"Okay," says the foreman, "can you drive a forklift?"

"Fuck me!" says the fella, "how big is the teapot?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two pilots

Two pilots are sitting in the cockpit while a stewardess enters. She asks if they want coffee or tea, but both pilots ignore her.

She then asks "what's the difference between a cockpit and a condom?" The captain looks over his shoulder, not saying anything. She continues: "A cockpit contains ...

Why don't hipsters drink iced tea?

Because they drank tea before it was cool.

Dee is addicted to pea tea...

Pea tea has Dee!

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

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