What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin.

What is an astronaut’s favorite tea?

Gravitea

What do you call Britain without tea?

Briain.

[OC] Three British people were arguing about who drinks the hottest tea.

The first person says: "The moment my tea is ready, I pour it into the cup and drink it all up".
The second person laughs and says: "That's it? I drink my tea straight from the Kettle".
The third person scoffs and says: "You both are amatuers. I just put all the ingredients in my mouth and...

What’s the difference between a tea bag and the French National Team?

A tea bag stays in the cup longer

What type of tea is the only type Brits don’t enjoy?

Penaltea.

I like people like I like my tea.

In a bag....underwater

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...

A man arrives at a hotel after a long train journey, exhausted. He comes into a communal room and sees three other guys who are drunk and talking loudly.

They are cracking anti-government jokes and laughing at Khrushchev. The man is annoyed that he can't sleep so he hatches a plan. He walks out into a corridor and asks a staff member to bring him a cup of tea. He then comes back into the room and starts talking to the noisy fellows:

"Comrades,...

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Two old southern bells are having iced tea

They are reminiscing of their younger years on their wraparound porch of an 18th century plantation home.


The first lady recounts in a charming antebellum drawl: "You see these earrings? These 24k gold diamond earrings? My husband got me these on our 5th anniversary."


The seco...

I've become immortal by drinking tea!

There is a steep price...

If, whilst having my tea, I knock a pea off my plate onto the table or floor, I announce to my family - "I have an escape-pea."

My family don't like me

Four Catholic women are sitting in a cafe sipping their tea, talking about their great sons. Soon it begins as a contest to see who has the best son.

The first woman proudly declares, "My son is a priest. When he

walks into a room people call him

'Father."

The second woman replies even more proudly, "My son is a bishop, when he walks into a room people call him 'My Grace."

The third woman thinking she wins replies, "My...

Why are there pyramids in Egypt?

They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together trying to one-up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek says "We have the Parthenon!"

The Indian replies "Well we have the Taj Mahal."

The Greek says "We gave birth to advanced mathematics!"

The Indian replies "But we invented the number zero."

The Indian says "We invented the caste system".

The Greek replies ...

The dangers of drinking tea

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.

I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.

You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.

I was peacefu...

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews it!

A joke from my 7 year old... What do you call a man who dips biscuits into his cup of tea?

Duncan

Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

[Nerd Joke Warning] What Tea makes you original?

Novel-tea

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.

Why did Karl marx dislike earl grey tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

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A vampire walks into a bar

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood. Bartender gives it to him, he pays and leaves.

Another vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, takes it, pays and leaves.

A third vampire walks in and ask for a cup of hot water. Confused, the bartender asks why not a shot of bl...

what did the british guy say when he discovered that tea was first made in china?

real tea is often disappointing



repost because the first one had too many spelig misteks

Quality Assurance in Tea

My uncle was a tea tester. He had to test teas.

What second language is most commonly spoken by male tea drinkers?

Hebrew.

A man walked by a restaurant in London

He noticed all the customers drinking tea in saucers.

He asked one of them as to why he was drinking tea in a saucer.

With tears in his eyes, he replied, “The Italians have taken away our cup"

What did the cannibal serve with tea?

Finger sandwiches

Three old sisters...

Mary, Anna and Josephine, live in a house together.

One night Mary runs a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses.

She yells down the stairs "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

Anna yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see."

She starts up the stairs and pauses....

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

I watched a fly get drunk yesterday.

I saw it land in my wife's tea and I didn't say anything.

Why do the cows return from the fields right about when evening tea is ready?

It’s tea-pot calling the cattle back

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

My Son’s Class Did a Play for the Boston Tea Party.

His teacher told him he would be the tea that was thrown in the harbor. She said he could pick to be any type of tea he’d like. He got so upset that he started running around the class throwing things. I guess he chose to be not tea.

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we've gotten ourselves into!

The genie of the lamp

Two neighbours, one is rich and the other is poor.

The poor have a magic lamp : Every morning,he wipes the lamp and a genie comes out and say : "Ask what you want" ,and the poor asks for a cup of tea.

The rich neighbour,envious of the magic lamp,said to the poor : i'll give you my car ...

A Cup of Tea

One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.
Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

Two retired British Indian Army officers sat in the common room of their nursing home waiting for tea when they began reminiscing about their time India.

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”

“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”

“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out. Several ho...

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

If you put sugar in tea ..

what do you put in sugar ?





A spoon.


Note: not sure if its a repost , heard it from a friend who loves jokes of this sort.

Why do communists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

Why was 38 best friends with 39?

Because 38 had 39, for tea.

Tsunami invited Cyclone,Earthquake,and Drought to a tea party.

No one came.

Tsunami had a silent tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate it when the string falls in my tea.

Like, great, now how do I get the tampon out without burning my fingers?

He went to the doctor

Doctor every time I drink tea my eyes hurt and I really like tea , the doctor order him a cup of tea , after the guy drink it and start complaining of pain
The doctor said I think removing the spoon would really help with the pain .

What does a camel ask when they give you a cup of tea?

One hump or two?

Why should you always bring your own cup to a spy's tea party?

Their cups are always chipped.

Why do British people pronounce British without the tea?

Because they drank it

Women's Convention (A little Long)

Women from around the world gather at this convention to share their stories of how they rekindled their love with their husbands.

A English women approaches the stage and begins, " for five days I told my husband, I will no longer cook for you, make you tea, and do you laundry. The first day...

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

Have you heard of the Indian Chief who drank 15 cups of tea before bed time?

He drowned in his teepee

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wealthy village man, Narendra Singh, is elected the leader of a group of villages in North India

He decides to give a victory speech to each of these villages. To do this, however, he realized he would need a secretary to introduce him and brag about how great he is, because it would look stupid if he did it himself. So he hires Mohan Nath, a highly respected member of his own village.

M...

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

TIL that the most fertile land for growing tea

Is located in Chai land

Coffee is just bean tea!

Just let that steep for a few minutes

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

The "EA" in TEA is silent.













Because you need to pay to unlock it.

What happened to black tea when earl grey became more popular?

It became the minoritea

What's the difference between a kid in a time out, and some coffee?

One is naughty, the other is not tea.

A man came home from work one day.

His wife greeted him "Hello darling, how was your day?"
"No time for that," he replied. "Just get me a cup of tea before it starts!"

Confused, the wife hurried to make a cup of tea.
She gave him the cup. He stretched out on the sofa, and sipped the tea.

"What did you mean, 'befor...

Three couples were having afternoon tea

The first husband looks at his wife and says “Can you pass the sugar, sugar?”

The second husband looks at his wife and says “Can you pass the honey, honey?”

The third wife gets all giddy and expectantly looks at her husband, waiting for his remark. He turns to look at her and s...

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A lady, a guy and a lad and their love

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care ...

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A vicar goes to an blind lady’s house for a cup of tea...

...and her guide dog sits under his chair
He had had sprouts the night before so was full of wind and he let out a fart
“Rover!!” The blind lady shouts, as if to chastise her dog
He thinks to himself “this is great, I can blame the dog on my wind!” And lets out another fart
“Rover!!!!!” ...

My new vehicle came with a dispenser that makes sweet tea forever...

It’s a Infinite-tea.

< Healing >



A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

Did you hear about the Native American who drank 20 gallons of tea?

They found him dead the next day laying in his own teapee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

They say that to make a perfect cup of tea, you should agitate the bag

...so I slapped her on the arse and said, "pop the kettle on, fatty".

I was out having tea with my mother and I told her I wanted to make a car out of spaghetti; she laughed at my idea!!

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!

How does a Jewish person make tea?



Hebrews it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar

They all take a seat and the bartender comes up to serve them.

'I'll have a glass of blood', the first vampire says. The bartender hands it to him and looks over to the next vampire.

'I'll have a glass of blood too', the second vampire says. The bartender does the same before walking u...

On the subject of American independence, did you know that the Revolution was initially viewed as a breach of contract?

They heard that the Americans violated the teas and seas.

Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea"

Doctor says, "Take the spoon out of your mug"

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?

A teapot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido.................

............... But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

You should always compete when drinking tea

Otherwise you'll have Casual teas

What do you call a small child that drinks tea?

A tea-toddler

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea.

When 3 nuns walk in and sit at the table next to her. They start talking about where they want to go on vacation.

The second nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem?"

Mother Superior says "No, too many jews there."

The third nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to N...

I called the cops after hearing my neighbor yelling and screaming at his cup of tea for hours on end

It was herbal abuse

What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

A clergyman called on one of his lady parishioners hoping for a cup of tea and a chat.

When he rang the doorbell, no-one answered, although he was sure he could hear someone moving around in the house; so eventually he wrote on a visiting card "Revelation 3:20" and went away

>! Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in ...

Dee is addicted to pea tea...

Pea tea has Dee!

Did you hear about the Indian lady who drinks only one cup of tea?

She is known as Jaswanti.

Why don't hipsters drink iced tea?

Because they drank tea before it was cool.

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?







Spaghett-tea


Thank you

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What are the two most popular types of tea ?

Booty and Titty .

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

What do workers in a tea factory never get?

Coffee breaks

I like my girls like I like my tea...

Hot, brown, and imported from India.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pavlov sits in his house on a Saturday afternoon, drinking his tea.

When someone rings the doorbell.
He stands up quickly.
"I have to feed the dog!"

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

Have you heard about the cannabis-infused tea for marsupials?

It’s high Koala tea

How does an american make a cup of tea

They Boil a cup of boston harbour water

What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.

My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I'd come home with 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, 1/2 a pound of cheese, pack of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.



Too many security cameras

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