A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all walk into a pub with their wives.

They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man - not wanting to be out witted by the other ...

What is the worst kind of tea?


Do you wanna know why my tea is so strong?

Because it’s my tea.

How do Americans make their tea?

By throwing it in the harbor.

Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).

He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...


Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)


What is weaker than French defences during WWII?

Tea made by an American.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

Why do you pronounce the word ‘tea’ like just ‘t’?

You have to pay for the ‘ea’

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?


What is the Grim Reaper's favorite kind of drink?


Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

What tea does Batman drink?


I’ll excuse myself now.

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"


What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

Did you hear the one about the Native American who died after drinking too much tea?

He drowned in his tea pee.

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

What do you call tea that tastes like freedom?


(Im not sorry)

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I went to a Tea tasting festival, the guy conducting said, the best way to enjoy a cup of Tea was to agitate the bag, so I went home.

And slapped her ass a couple of times.

What do vampires use to make tea?

Used tampons

What do you say when you’re finished your tea?

Ah my mug is empTEA! [OC]

Did you hear the one about the Indian man who drank 12 gallons of tea in one night?

He went to bed and the next morning, he was found dead in his teapee

A kindly old man is walking by the seaside when he sees three lovely young ladies crying their eyes out.

So he says, "Dear me, you poor things, so miserable on such a lovely day as this! Come and have a cup of tea and let's see if we can't make you feel better."

Won over by his twinkly-eyed charm, the three young ladies manage to dry their eyes and they follow him to a chintzy little seaside c...

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Greek and an Indian were drinking tea one day, discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and so on unt...

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

Macron and Mohammed bin Salman meet for tea

Macron: "I collect jokes people post about me"

Bin Salman: "That's funny, I collect people who post jokes about me"

Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?

It’s super high Koala-tea

What do you call a bag of tea that's gone through the wash?


I like my girls how I like my coffee

Just kidding, I don’t like coffee, I’d rather have tea bags

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

My guests were complaining about the small amount of tea I served them...

I just told them "quali-tea over quanti-tea"

Why Did Karl Marx Dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

Why is the Rabbi so good at making tea?

Because Hebrews.

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

What's a British caveman vampire slayer's favorite food?

Tea bone stake

Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?


Tea Party

A dad was staying home with his 3 year old daughter while his wife was away to see family. The daughter, having recently gotten a tea set for her birthday, found it enjoyable to 'make tea' for her father. The tea being water. Each day the little girl would bring her father his 'tea' while he watched...

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How do you describe a Jew making Tea?


What kind of tea do cops make?

Police brew tali tea.

What does Americans call tea?

Fish food

What do you call a dinosaur drinking tea?

A Chaiceratops

What do you call Tea made with weed and koala bears?

A High Koala Tea Beverage.

Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?

1st customer: I’ll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?

So, two vampires walk into a bar...

The first one orders a Bloody Mary. (Get it?! Cuz he's a vampire!)

The second one orders some hot water.

The first one turns to him, confused. "Why just water? Live a little."

The second one pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea."

What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea?


During the revolutionary war, a foreign scientist published a paper discussing the environmental effects of the boston tea party.

Unfortunately the scientist did not understand the number system used by the americas at the time and tried to wing it.

People to this day talk about the base 10 massacre.

What's a Queen's favorite drink?


There was an attack on a commoner's tea shop yesterday.

There were 24 casual teas.

What did the cup of tea say to the other cup of tea during their conversation

You talk for oolong

A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.... "Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?"

The bear responds:"No, I'm stuffed."

What kind of tea can be hard to swallow?


A family is well known for their tea

It is said that they make their tea in the finest teapots with the most precise amount of sugar and serve them in expensive cups. When a man asked "what's the secret?" they answered "its made in china"

I entered a tea brewing contest

The competition was steep

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

I love my women like I love my tea.

I pull out after three minutes.

What's a mages favorite tea?


What's the best kind of tea overall?


What is Zamasu's favorite tea to down?

Supreme Chai

What's the hardest cup of tea to swallow?


What happened to the Native American chief who drank 10 pots of tea before going to sleep?

He drowned in his teapee

I prefer my tea American style..

Mixed with the salt of Boston Harbor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I heard that to make the perfect cup of tea you should agitate the bag.

So I slapped her on the bum and said, "put the kettle on, fatty".

Three women were sitting around enjoying a cup of tea and shooting the breeze.

Their conversation eventually turns to the subject of dating, and the first woman says “I would absolutely love to find a guy who has a tattoo of two dragons on his shoulder. That would be the man for me.”

The second woman responds with “You see. I would love to find a guy who’s got a tattoo ...

Two British Raj colonels are sitting at a table, enjoying a cup of tea and a warm bowl of curry

The first colonel turns to the other and says

"Why I say, this India land is extraordinary!"

The second colonel replies;

"Quite so, but there's just one issue"

"What's that?"

Looking outside onto the street, the second replies;

"Too many damn foreigners!"

What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?

Sherman tanks!

The tea and coffee are married, but the tea leaves.

Does that give the coffee grounds for divorce?

Ever hear about the Indian Chief who drank 40 cups of tea?

He drowned in his tea-pee

It's actually quite hard to learn how to make tea...

There's a *steep* learning curve.

Me: Doc, my pee is tea colored. I think I have a bladder infection.

Doc: I see...

Me: What's urinalysis?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Soviet spy comes to a cafe and orders tea

Starts drinking it, when a waiter comes to him. — Oh, you must be russian spy. — How did you find out? — You put sugar with the spoon, but left the spoon in the cup. Only russians do that.

Next time the spy walks into the cafe, orders tea, put sugar, doesn't put the spoon in the cup. Waiter c...

I was eating my tea last night when I thought to myself..

This milk has probably gone off.

Drinking tea is bad for you.

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.

I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.

You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.