What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

How does a Jewish person make tea?

Hebrews it

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?







Spaghett-tea


Thank you

What type of tea does Uncle Sam drink.

Liberty.

Who had the tea party during the boston tea party?

The fish

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

Patient: Doctor, every time I drink tea my eye hurts.

Doctor: did you try taking spoon out from the cup?

What's the one kind of tea you won't find on r/Jokes?

Originali-tea

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

The wife said I'm tight and we never do anything, so we've just been out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting to be honest, never given blood before.

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

What starts with T, ends with T and has T in it?

A teapot

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

Tea party

A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.

The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it sev...

The "EA" in TEA is silent.













Because you need to pay to unlock it.

I like my iced tea like I like my presidents...

so good it doesn't need any peach or mint.

What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.

My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?

Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure y...

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My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. ‘£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams…’

I said ‘Look grandad, you just popped round I didn’t fucking invite you’

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

My friend asked me if I wanted to steal someone's tea

I replied, "you can, it's not really my cup of tea"

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

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So in school we learned about how you don't give tea to people who don't want tea or are unable to drink it and tea stood in for sex

So what the hell was the Boston Tea Party?

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Two blonds are having tea

Two blondes are having tea.

Blonde 1: I was on a date last night. With an intelectual.

Blonde 2: And how did it go?

Blonde 1: Well, he took me to an expensive restaurant, then we saw an opera and then we went to his home and he showed me his penis.

Blonde 2: What's a peni...

Why do Communists drink Herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft.

How do hobbits take their tea?

With the tea Baggins.

...

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

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What's the difference between a tea bag and a tampon?

You don't know?

Then I'm never coming for a cup of tea at your place!

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?

Humidity

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

How does an american make a cup of tea

They Boil a cup of boston harbour water

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The best way to make a cup of tea, is to agitate the bag.

So every morning when I wake up, I slap her on the arse and say, "two sugars fatty!"

The hardest tea to swallow...

Reality

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Why is weak tea like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

What type of tea is not in outer space

Gravitea

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What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?

Benedict Arnold Palmer

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Dracula walks into a bar.

Dracula walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender for some hot water. The bartender obliges and asks if he would like anything else to drink. Dracula says "No, thanks". He then pulls out a used tampon and dips it in his hot water. "I'm having tea."

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

My friend wants to sell mushroom tea teabags for $20.

I told him that’s steep.

What do you order from a waitress you really like?

One hot tea to go.

Jack and Jim are busy stocking the aisles at Sams Club...

They're stacking pallets of Lipton's. They're about to put the last pallet on top when the forklift breaks down.
"Oh NO!", Jim exclaims, "How will we get this last pallet on top without killing ourselves?"
"Don't Worry", says Jack," just go pick up one of those disposable Bic's on the sh...

An indian (native American) drank 50 cups of tea.

Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.

How much trash do you have to throw in the ocean to make a new country?

None, just some tea

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?

Lukewarm

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Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a bar.

The rabbit says “oops, I think I’ve had too much tea.”

My wife left me because she thinks I'm too insecure...

No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.

What do you call a guy who only eats bubble tea balls?

Boba Fed

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A man goes fishing every Saturday without fail.

He Wakes up Saturday morning at 6 am, gives his wife a kiss and says goodbye, makes a flask of tea and sandwiches and puts his fishing gear into the car, then of he drives to the lake.

One Saturday morning he awakes at 6 am, kisses his wife and says goodbye, makes his tea and sandwiches, pops...

Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea

I forgot that he only drinks realty

My girlfriend said we need to spend more quality time together.

So I bought her a tea set and a koala and said wtf are we supposed to do now?

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

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Dracula walks into a bar...

He sits down and speaks to the Bartender

Dracula: May I please have a cup of hot water and a spoon?

Bartender: Wait, aren't you Dracula the vampire?

Dracula: Of course I am. I can see that my reputation precedes me.

Bartender: But, if you a vampire why do you want hot wat...

Did you hear about the customer outrage when the grocery store ran out of tea?

There was a steep demand.

What kind of tea does Billy like?

Ability

Ice cubes in ice tea.

It's almost time for him to pull out.

A young man is visiting his girlfriend at her parent's home for the first time...

He's looking for a cup to make some tea in when he notices a long row of handmade cups, each inscribed with what seems like half-words. Just then the girlfriend's mother walks in, and he asks her what the deal with the cups are.

"Oh those. They are our family cups, one for each member, they'v...

What goes in stiff and dry and comes out wet and floppy.

A tea bag.

Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?

He went to jail for Oolong time.

What tea does Batman drink?

**Vigilan-tea**

I’ll excuse myself now.

How do Americans make their tea?

By throwing it in the harbor.

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

A magic genie tells Tom, "I can make anything of yours disappear!"

Tom: [raises his mug] ok, get rid of my tea

Genie: poof

om: it didn't work


EDIT: please stop commenting the following: "om: i didn work", because Om only says "my tea", and not "all teas". thank you.

EDIT 2: thank you kind strangers for the awards :)

Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

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Escargot

As a man is leaving his house for work his wife shouts out "Don't forget to buy a bag of snails on your way home, my parents are coming for dinner remember".

The man agrees and rushes off to work, where he has a terrible, stressful day. Sure enough when he gets home he's forgotten the bag of ...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,

was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her ...

There’s no way video games cause violence.

If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.

People get so heated up about if the milk comes first in tea or cereal

Personally i prefer to put the tea in first, then the milk, then the cereal.

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

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A British sinner goes to hell

He arrives at the gates of hell and since He's the worst sinner of all time, The Devil comes to recieve him himself. The Devil then starts walking him into a huge building and tells him that sinners don't get to choose as to the kind of punishment they will recieve but the British guy being the wor...

Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

More Tea!

An old Native American Chief was meeting with some Colonists for the first time. He welcomes then into his teepee and the meeting begins. As a show of good faith they offered him some tea and he absolutely loved it! The meetings conclude and the Colonists leave him some extra tea so he can enjoy it ...

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A vampire walks into a bar.

A vampire walks into a bar, he goes over to the bar and says"Bartender I would like two shots of blood." The bartender reaches behind the bar, and pours him two shots of blood.

Another vampire overhears, and decides he would like two shots of blood. The bartender once again pours him two shot...

What do Brits wear?

Tea-shirts

I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

A woman walks into the kitchen and sees her husband drinking from a shot glass at 7am...

Her:”A bit early to be drinking isn’t it?”
Him:”It’s tea”
Her:”What kind of tea do you drink from a shot glass?”
Him:”Tea-quilla”


From my 10 year old son.

Ps. I can stop drinking anytime I want.

A four bed room has four strangers arrive for the night, three of them open a bottle of vodka and begin to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, they begin to tell political jokes. The fourth stranger gets up from his bed and goes downstairs, he asks the hostess to make tea and bring it to room 67

In ten minutes, he then returns to the room and joins the others, five minutes later he leans down to the electric socket in the wall and says 'Comrade General tea to room 67 please' then the hostess walks in with the tea, the party dies a sudden death and the fourth stranger finally gets some sleep...

What's a nervous person's favorite drink?

Insecuri tea

What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?

Uncertaintea.

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

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What do vampires use to make tea?

Used tampons

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