Three men are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.

The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.

After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and ...

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An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

The "EA" in TEA is silent.













Because you need to pay to unlock it.

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

They say there's no “I” in team

But there's no “us” either, just “me”

My friend asked me if I wanted to steal someone's tea

I replied, "you can, it's not really my cup of tea"

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

What starts with T, ends with T, and has T inside?

A teapot

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?

Spagettea

How does an american make a cup of tea

They Boil a cup of boston harbour water

My friend wants to sell mushroom tea teabags for $20.

I told him that’s steep.

The hardest tea to swallow...

Reality

What type of tea is not in outer space

Gravitea

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?

Humidity

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

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Why is weak tea like making love in a canoe?

Because it's fucking close to water.

I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?

Lukewarm

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

What do you call a guy who only eats bubble tea balls?

Boba Fed

An indian (native American) drank 50 cups of tea.

Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.

A woman orders a very specific tea at a local cafe however the waitress mistakenly brings her a different one...

When the woman takes a sip of it, she notices this and tells the waitress that this is flavor is not her cup of tea.

Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?

Benedict Arnold Palmer

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A vampire walks into a bar...

A vampire walks into a bar and goes straight up to the bartender and asks for a large warm glass of blood. Luckily, it happens to be a bar that serves vampires and quick as a tick the bartender hands over a long glass of blood, to which the vampire slurps it down happily.

Sooner than later, a...

Three Christian mothers are having afternoon tea and boast about their sons.

The first mother says, "My son is the worship band leader. When he walks past the congregation, they go:

'Oh worship leader! Oh worship leader!'"

"Wow, that's great!" they exclaim.

Not to be outdone, the second mother adds, "Well, MY son is the pastor. When he walks past the chu...

Why did the Marxists only drink herbal tea?

Because proper tea is theft

Remember to let your significant other drink lots of tea today!

It’s patriotic to put tea in the bae.

Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?

He went to jail for Oolong time.

Why does Thanos drink red bush tea?

Because reality is often disappointing.

Did you hear about the customer outrage when the grocery store ran out of tea?

There was a steep demand.

Why does Karl Marx dislike Earl Grey Tea?

Because all proper-tea is theft

Ice cubes in ice tea.

It's almost time for him to pull out.

What tea does Batman drink?

**Vigilan-tea**

I’ll excuse myself now.

What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag

A tea bag stays longer in the cup.

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What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

How do Americans make their tea?

By throwing it in the harbor.

People get so heated up about if the milk comes first in tea or cereal

Personally i prefer to put the tea in first, then the milk, then the cereal.

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. 
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea

I forgot that he only drinks realty

Why don't anarchists drink green tea?

Because it helps fight free radicals.

More Tea!

An old Native American Chief was meeting with some Colonists for the first time. He welcomes then into his teepee and the meeting begins. As a show of good faith they offered him some tea and he absolutely loved it! The meetings conclude and the Colonists leave him some extra tea so he can enjoy it ...

I tried to switch from instant coffee to tea...

But the time difference is steep.

While visiting England, Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Teresa May and says, "Madam, Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

...

Three vampires go into a bar

Bartender asks to first vampire that what he would like to drink. First vampire wants a glass of blood. Bartender asks the second vampire the same thing, second vampire wants a glass of blood too. Bartender asks the third vampire and third vampire asks for only a glass of hot water. Bartender supris...

What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?

Uncertaintea.

The British Royals are having tea

Queen Elizabeth says "Philip, I think you should see a doctor. I fear you have a touch of dementia."

"ME? *You're* the one who thinks she's the bloody Queen of England!"

Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves

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A Greek and an Indian were drinking tea one day, discussing who had the superior culture...

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Indian, nodding in agreement, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and so on unt...

What is weaker than French defences during WWII?

Tea made by an American.

Three elderly sisters aged 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

.
.
.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts her foot in and pauses.
She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath tub?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses, then she yells, "Was I ...

There was a Chinese man who was obsessed with spoonerisms

He loved drinking chai tea and doing tai chi.

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

What did the colonist say at the Boston Tea Party?

The price is too steep!

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A half-japanese, an englishman, an egyptian and a french guy walk into a bar and order four ice teas.

A half-japanese, an englishman, an egyptian and a french guy walk into a bar and order four iced teas.



It was very bizarre.

My grandma warned me to be careful with china

She said it makes the best cup of tea but is also incredibly fragile

I accidentally drank from a co-workers coffee cup. It tasted horrible.

It was not my cup of tea.

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: *holding a cup* Do it to my tea!

Magician: *waves hand* Done!

om: *holding a cup* It didn't work

My wife left me because I'm too insecure

No wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea

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Boris Johnson walks into a Bank

He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?"

Cashier: It would be my pleasure. Could you please show me your ID?

BJ: Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Bor...

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

What do you call tea that tastes like freedom?

LiberTEA

(Im not sorry)

It's Halloween and everyone's out trick-or-treating. A bartender is working the late-night shift at the bar. He looks outside and sees everyone in crazy costumes. He sighs and picks up a glass and starts cleaning it. At around midnight, a guy in a vampire costume walks in and sits at the bar.

He says to the bartender "Hi. I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
The bartender looks at him skeptically. "No you're not. You're just wearing a costume."
"No, no, really," he insists. "I'm a vampire and I'd like a cup of human blood please."
"Alright," the bartender say...

What do you say when you’re finished your tea?

Ah my mug is empTEA! [OC]

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You have died and gone to hell

When you arrive in hell, you are greeted with a very happy and joyful Satan

Satan: WELCOME TO HELL!!!!! Please, let’s get you checked in and see where you will fit in our depths.

Satan scans the book of life. Locates your name

Satan: Ohhh, I see!!!! OH, WOW that is a lot of ti...

Did you hear the one about the Indian man who drank 12 gallons of tea in one night?

He went to bed and the next morning, he was found dead in his teapee

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

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What do vampires use to make tea?

Used tampons

Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?

It’s super high Koala-tea

Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens.

They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.

I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."

A co-worker of mine left their drink on my desk, again

I sent them a message on Slack to come pick it up, but for some reason they refused.

They just told me to drink it?

But, I won't.

That's just not my cup of tea.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

I bought a homeless man a sandwich and a cup of tea...

and I forgot to take a picture and tell the Internet. Absolute waste of a fiver that.

Macron and Mohammed bin Salman meet for tea

Macron: "I collect jokes people post about me"

Bin Salman: "That's funny, I collect people who post jokes about me"

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So two vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire sits down and asks for a bloody mary, the second vampire sits down and ask for a cup of boiling water. The first vampire says "What did you get a cup of boiling water for dummy" the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " cause I'm making tea bitch!!"

Why is the Rabbi so good at making tea?

Because Hebrews.

Why don't murderers often attend tea parties?

They prefer a casual tea.

What did the Jewish man do when he wanted tea?

Hebrew.

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