Never accept tea offered by the Russian President

You don´t know what Vladimir Putin

Did you hear about the Native American who died from drinking too much tea?

They found him dead in his tea pee.

What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?

A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...

Bit of British humour right there ;)

EDIT: happy to see this joke made people laugh, yes it's a classic joke but England have mainly been on the receiving end of it so nice to turn it around on someone else for a change (sorry Germany)

Th...

TIL that the most fertile land for growing tea

Is located in Chai land

How does Moses make tea?

Hebrews

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were taking part in a survey about tea-drinking habits

"I always stir my tea with my left hand",
said the Englishman.

"I always stir my tea with my right hand",
said the Scotsman.

"How about you?" the Irishman was asked.

''Oh me?'' said the Irishman,
''I always use a spoon''

What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.

What's the difference between an English sportsman and tea

The tea stays in the cup for longer.

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What are the two most popular types of tea ?

Booty and Titty .

A clergyman called on one of his lady parishioners hoping for a cup of tea and a chat.

When he rang the doorbell, no-one answered, although he was sure he could hear someone moving around in the house; so eventually he wrote on a visiting card "Revelation 3:20" and went away

>! Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in ...

What starts with a 't' ends with a 't' and is full of 't' ?

A teapot.

My Husband thought of a tea shop name “these tea’s are made of leaves.”

Honestly, who am I to disagree.

What do workers in a tea factory never get?

Coffee breaks

Adam walks into a cafe and orders tea

Adam ordered a cup of tea in a cafe.

So, a waiter brought it for him but dipped his fingers in it.

Adam asked "Hey moron, why are you dipping your fingers in my tea?"

The waiter replied, "My finger is injured and the doctor advised me to keep it warm."

Adam said, "Then s...

What do you call a small child that drinks tea?

A tea-toddler

Why did Marx only drink green tea?

Because all proper tea is theft

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Apparently 'Viagra' is now available in powder form specially for tea. Well, it's not for enhancing your sexual libido.................

............... But it won't let your dipped biscuit 'Go Soft'

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An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea.

When 3 nuns walk in and sit at the table next to her. They start talking about where they want to go on vacation.

The second nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem?"

Mother Superior says "No, too many jews there."

The third nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to N...

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the store with $1 and I'd come home with 2 loaves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, 1/2 a pound of cheese, pack of tea and 6 eggs.

You can't do that now.



Too many security cameras

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This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

Did you hear about the Indian lady who drinks only one cup of tea?

She is known as Jaswanti.

I called the cops after hearing my neighbor yelling and screaming at his cup of tea for hours on end

It was herbal abuse

What is the best type of tea?

Spaghett-tea

Why don't hipsters drink iced tea?

Because they drank tea before it was cool.

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

If water with ice is iced water...

... milk with ice is iced milk, and tea with ice is iced tea, what's ink with ice in it?

>!(This one works better out loud. If you don't get it, maybe say the answer out loud to someone you know and they'll probably agree even though they haven't heard the lead in.)!<

I like my men like I like my coffee

*sips tea*

Have you heard about the cannabis-infused tea for marsupials?

It’s high Koala tea

What tea do pessimists drink?

Empty.





*Thanks to my 15 year-old ESL student for the idea behind this one.*

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Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

"Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and...

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Pavlov sits in his house on a Saturday afternoon, drinking his tea.

When someone rings the doorbell.
He stands up quickly.
"I have to feed the dog!"

What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?

Boo tea.

(Courtesy of my 6 year old)

I like my girls like I like my tea...

Hot, brown, and imported from India.

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

What type of tea does queen elizabeth love to drink?

Immortali-Tea

Very good tea and pasta joke

What is your favorite type of tea?







Spaghett-tea


Thank you

Give a Brit some tea and you'll make him happy for a day...

Teach him how to grow tea...

And he'll colonize your country.

The "EA" in TEA is silent.













Because you need to pay to unlock it.

Magician: I can make anything disappear!

Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.

Magician: (waves hand) Done!

om: (looks in cup) It didn't work.

An Admiral was visiting one of his ships. While having tea, he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it.

He is very impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.


Cook, "When rolling the biscuits, I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven."


Admiral, "That's pretty unhygienic !!"


Cook, "In that case Sir, I'd suggest you skip the...

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia

A guy walks into a hotel in soviet Russia and asks for a room. The receptionist tells him that they only place left is in a shared room with four beds, the bathroom is on corridor and the other 3 beds are already occupied. He accepts it, goes to his room and tries to fall asleep but the other 3 gues...

Did you know that drinking tea while being too relaxed can kill you?

It's called a casual tea.

A man goes to a diner and orders a grilled cheese sandwich and a glass of room temperature sweet tea.

When his food arrives he takes a sip of the tea but finds it to be scorching hot.
"Ow!" yells the man, "I asked for this to be room temperature!"
"It is, sir" says the waiter "The kitchen is on fire."

What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?

A cough-y drinker.

Did you know that it's dangerous to drink a lot of tea?

A Native American did this once and drowned in his Tea Pee.

Not my joke but thought it was funny.

I was wondering why British people pronounce it as Bri-ish.

Then I realised that they drank all the tea.

I just learned that some teas cause cancer

But that's a Brisk im willing to take

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon.

A Scottish man, English man and an American are in a hot air balloon. It's sinking fast. They need to throw something out that they have a lot of or they will crash into the houses below. The Scottish man throws out a haggis. English man throws out a cup of tea. The American throws out a bomb. They ...

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An half-japanese teenager, an Englishman with a huge sense of humour, an Egyptian who works as a fortune teller and a French guy walk into a bar and elder four ice teas.

It was very bizzare.

Who had the tea party during the boston tea party?

The fish

Patient: Doctor, every time I drink tea my eye hurts.

Doctor: did you try taking spoon out from the cup?

Russian activist heavily beaten by Putin's militia

He was refusing to drink his tea

Credit - Spinoza tweet

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a homosexual person's favorite hot beverage?

LGB-Tea

What did the dinosaur ask his pet dog when he wanted afternoon tea with him?

Do you want some tea, Rex.

My family owns a tea shop

Customer: You should sell milk tea.
Me: We tried but it didn't work out.
Customer: What happened?
Me: My Dad never came back with the milk.

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How does a Jew make his tea? Hebrews it.

The formatting is weird but you have got to admit it israeli good.

A joke from my childhood

Patient: Doctor my eye always hurts when I drink tea.
Doctor: Get the spoon out from your cup dummy.
Patient: Oh thank you.
Doctor: Now pay $50.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishme

...are debating philosophy. The question arises over the course of their debates: what separates man from the animals?


"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the heights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us fro...

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A vampire walks into a pub...

... and asks the barman for a cup of boiling water.

"I thought you lot only drank blood" says the barman.

The vampire reaches into his pocket and pulls out a used tampon;

"I'm making a cup of tea."

What do you a call a dinosaur that drinks tea?

A Tea-rex.

My 5 year old likes to tell me this. It makes me chuckle.

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

The wife said I'm tight and we never do anything, so we've just been out for tea and biscuits.

Quite exciting to be honest, never given blood before.

My girlfriend got mad at me when I invited her to afternoon tea by the Australia exhibit.

I don't understand. She said she wanted some koala teatime together.

Tea party

A little 3-year-old girl was playing with her miniature tea set. Her father was in the living room and her mother was out shopping.

The little girl came out to the living room and offered her father a cup of tea, which was in fact just water. He thought this was really cute, so she did it sev...

A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are all drinking tea...

and they each put an odd number of spoons of sugar into their tea and yet the total number of spoons of sugar added is even. How is this even possible?

Well the Englishman puts in one spoon of sugar, the Irishman also puts in one spoon of sugar and the Scotsman put in thirty which I’m sure y...

How does an american make a cup of tea

They Boil a cup of boston harbour water

My girlfriend tried to take a selfie in the shower, but it was too blurry.

She has selfie steam issues.

How did Alexei Navalni get the poison?

It was Putin his tea.

"How do you wake up in the morning?"

"In the morning? Yes I used to use one of those automatic things that makes you a cup of tea, and does this horrible screeching noise in your ear.

But then I divorced her and bought a Teasmade."

-A Bit of Fry and Laurie Vox Pop Series 4

School is good

[Original]
A child walks in the restaurant and asks for tea gravy. The waiter says the don't have it in the menu and the kid pouted and went away.
After this happened 4-5 times, the kid started crying in the 6th restaurant asking for tea gravy again.
When the manager said they have never ...

An Ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon...

An ethnomedicine researcher is visiting a tribe deep in the Amazon and they present to him the leaves of a short native palm tree. They tell him that these leaves can be brewed into a tea that is a powerful laxative.

He says, "well, in extreme cases, do you ever have to resort to giving an en...

What's Lipton?

A Tea-Series.

My grandfather used to tell me this joke

Three British kids are arguing about whose father is superior.

one says "my dad drinksba full cup hot tea in a sip"

then the other says "well my dad drinks it straight out of the pot"

upon hearing nothing from the third kid they ask "Peter how does your dad drinks tea"
...

I like my iced tea like I like my presidents...

so good it doesn't need any peach or mint.

What kind of drink can be bitter and sweet?

Reali-tea.

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad is always complaining about how much things cost. ‘£1.50 for a cup of tea, £2.25 for 3 custard creams…’

I said ‘Look grandad, you just popped round I didn’t fucking invite you’

What is a lewd ghost's favourite type of tea?

Boo - tea

A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary

They celebrate it in the same hotel as where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife "isn't it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?" The wife replies saying "yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50...

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Two blonds are having tea

Two blondes are having tea.

Blonde 1: I was on a date last night. With an intelectual.

Blonde 2: And how did it go?

Blonde 1: Well, he took me to an expensive restaurant, then we saw an opera and then we went to his home and he showed me his penis.

Blonde 2: What's a peni...

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Two Irish men were digging a great, big hole

After a few hours of digging, the one Irish man turned to the other and said, "I wonder who died this time, this will be an expensive grave."

To which the other replied, "Yes, and our boss is a real arsehole. While we dig our butts off, he probably sits in his office, sipping bloody tea! It's...

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Two Vampires go to the coffee shop every afternoon and order a warm cup of blood. One day, the first vampire orders a warm cup of blood and the other orders a cup of hot water. The first vampire asks "Why did you order water instead of blood?"

The second vampire pulls a used tampon out of his pocket and says, "today I'm having tea."

When I go to donate blood I expect a cup of tea, a biscuit and a polite word of thanks...

...not a whole lot of screaming, my bucket confiscated, and a policeman asking me questions.

What‘s an Italian’s favorite tea?

Spagettea

The Tea Party

Mom went shopping, leaving Dad in charge of their daughter. Suzie was about 18 months old and loved playing with her new tea set. Dad was engrossed in the evening news when Suzie brought him a little cup of 'tea' (really just plain water).


He praised her good 'cooking,' so she brought him...

My friend asked me if I wanted to steal someone's tea

I replied, "you can, it's not really my cup of tea"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scottish man, and an Irish man walk into a bar with their wives...

They all order tea. The Englishman, wanting to be sweet, said to his wife, "Pass the sugar, sugar." The Scottish man, thinking the same, says to his wife, "Pass the honey, honey." The Irish man, not wanting to be outdone, says to his wife, "Pass the milk you fucking cow."

I seem to have run out of tea...

What a catastrotea.

What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?

Humidity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of tea do babies drink ?

Tit - tea

How do you call a dinosaur to lunch?

Tea, Rex?

Ya'll seem to like puns, so:

• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

• I changed my iPod’s name to Tita...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a tea bag and a tampon?

You don't know?

Then I'm never coming for a cup of tea at your place!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there are three friars living atop a mountain

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.
One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<b...

I invented a drink today called ‘the Shutter Island Iced Tea’.

It’s the same as a Long Island Iced Tea, but it has a twist at the end.

I started stealing peoples drinks at Starbucks just to see how it feels

Not my cup of tea

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Annual Meeting of some people with special interests.

Each year a group of 5 loonies come together to have a good time.

The people are: a sodomist, a sadist , a pyromaniac , a necrophile and a masochist.

After a couple of hours they get bored, however the sodomist got an idea:

Sodomist: We could catch a cat and ya know have fun wi...

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The best way to make a cup of tea, is to agitate the bag.

So every morning when I wake up, I slap her on the arse and say, "two sugars fatty!"

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