UPJOKE
lunchdinnerfoodbreakfastsuppersnackbrunchsandwichfeastvegetabledishsouprepasteatingluncheon

Meals Jokes

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

What institution servs the most unhealthy meals?

The Mayo Clinic.

Planning meals in advance...

Now that's some food forethought.

400 passengers but only 200 meals were loaded onto a flight from Delhi to New York City (long)

It was only discovered after take off, when the flight attendants started going through their preparations for the meals. So, the airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix. However, one smart flight attendant had an idea.

A couple of hours into the flight she nervously announced, 'Ladie...

I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!

How do angels cook meals in heaven?

They put them in the Microwave on High

What do women and happy meals have in common?

They both come with a toy inside them.

Are we really expected to eat three square meals a day?

I'm sure triangles and circles provide equal nutritional value.

A pair of cannibals were discussing their recent meals

One said "I found some Catholic monks when I was in the woods; took home the meat and boiled it up. Tasted TERRIBLE!"

The other said "Idiot. You don't boil monks- those are friars!"

3 Meals A Day

Doctor: "My Dear, you looked thinner and fatigued than the last time I saw you.
Did you follow my instruction to take 3 MEALS a Day?"

Girl: "Oh my God Doc! I thought you said 3 MALES a day!"

6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?

Because you are supposed to eat 3 squared meals per day

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

Free Meals

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes, "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The prisoners’ last meals

3 prisoners were sentenced to death row and offered their last meal. The first one, a Brit said, fish and chips and a really good drink. And the guards gave it to him.

The second one, an Italian said, the finest risotto. And the guards gave it to him.

The third one, a Jew said strawb...

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

Why does everyone add salt to their meals?

It’s sodium goooood

You can paint a thousand paintings and not be called an artist...

You can run a thousand marathons and not be called an athlete...

You can cook a thousand meals and not be called a chef.

But as soon as you kill ONE PERSON...

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

what do you call a vampire that drinks blood between meals?

snackula

That perfect three-meals-for-one deal...

...ends up being a three-meals-for-dinner.

A man’s last meal

So a prisoner is about to be executed and the guards ask him,
“What do you want your last meal to be?”

“Strawberries”he responds.

“But it’s winter. We can’t get strawberries until spring”

“Eh. I’ll wait”

What type of meals do math teachers eat?

Square ones.

What does a Mongoose eat in between meals?

Just a little Snek.

My dentist asked me if I floss between meals

"No, usually between teeth" I replied.

I would put more herbs in my meals

but I can never find the thyme

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An american dude, A French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us...

Prayer before meals

Kid: Give us this day our daily bread.... With ham, egg, cheeze, french fries, salad on the side...

God: hey, kid. Are you praying or taking an order?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amazing looking meals is called Food porn. Beautiful outdoor landscapes is called Nature porn...

But when I want to look up pictures of adorable kids the FBI shows up on my doorstep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is so fat that when she booked a flight they made her have 2 seats.

She was pissed off until I mentioned that she would get 2 meals

We all know that six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine, but why did seven eat nine?

Because you're supposed to eat three squared meals per day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a Buddhist monastery famous for their meals.

He goes in, and asks for the meal that the wealthiest people love, figuring that must be the best there. The head monk sadly inform him that they do not have the key ingredient, and that due to a religious vow they took, they cannot leave the monastery. Luckily, they tell him that if he can get the ...

All fishermen will now have free meals and a new car

But there's a catch

Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..."

Poor people say "Ramen."

Jim walked into a bar....

Jim, walked into a bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies, by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings and eve...

I went to this really cool restaurant where they gave out free bandanas with the meals

My girlfriend didn't like it though. She kept saying stuff like, "You're embarrassing me" and "Please take that napkin off your head."

My uncle wants to publish a cookbook that teaches people how to prepare nutritious and tasty meals using the kinds of meagre rations that are available in the aftermath of a hurricane/earthquake/flood/etc.

I told him it sounds like a recipe for disaster.

I've been sacked from my job as a chef after spending every shift chopping herbs instead of cooking meals.

They couldn't be dealing with thyme wasters.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.