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I was at a buffet.

This rather large woman walked up to me, as I browsed the treats.

"Mind if I take one of those doughnuts just there?" she asked me.



"Help yourself," I replied.



"Thanks," she smiled.



"No," I added, "I mean help yourself...and don't have any more fuc...

Warren buffet says buy stocks that you understand.

I bought Budweiser and Marlboro stocks .

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My therapist says I can get over my fear of buffets.

But first I’ve got to want to help myself.

In the buffet of life, friends are like dessert

You eat them last and they taste the best

I was too late to the cannibal buffet

They just gave me the cold shoulder

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?

First come first serve.

I went to my local all you can eat buffet...

and there was this girl only choosing vegetables?


I thought, I’ve never seen herbivore.

Turning off your Zoom camera is like getting food from a buffet at a party

You want to do it, but you don't want to be the first, and you definitely don't want to be the only

This year's Thanksgiving playlist is a buffet by ear, if you will...

The main dish will be Lambchop seasoned with Red Hot Chili Peppers & Salt-n-Pepa.

Accompanied by the side dishes: The Cranberries, Korn, and Black Eyed Peas.

And for dessert we'll have Vanilla Ice..Cream..Cake.

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It has been mentioned that when cruises start sailing again, the buffets will all be staffed with servers instead of just serving yourself.

The saddest job will be the person who has to push the buttons on the pop dispenser.   Why?   Because it is "soda pressing".


I will see myself out.

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A man buys a motorbike and is riding it home when it occurs to him that he's somewhat lacking control, as the wind is getting into his coat and buffeting him quite badly.

He pulls over, deciding to put his coat on back-to-front so the openings between the buttons are at the back.

Much improved he confidently accelerates away, but within five minutes of riding like this he reaches a sharp bend in the road, where he discovers his arms are rather too restricted ...

Dracula

Dracula is walking down the street one fine evening when a speeding lorry carrying mini sausage rolls, sandwiches, a variety of salads, dressed salmon, quiches and cold meats loses control, overturns and spills all that food. All this wreckage hits Dracula and with his dying breath he curses buffet ...

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet

I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.

She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.

I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she aske...

Mr. T opened up an all you can eat buffet.

It's called I Pity The Full

What scared Jimmy Buffet?

The boo's in the blender.

What does a video of a Food Buffet being set up, look like?

I dont know yet, its still Buffering

Did you hear hear about the guys who wrote the book about eating all you can at buffets?

They weren’t hungry Et Al.

All-u-can-eat seafood buffets are such a waste.

They’re total overkrill.

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

Why did the chicken return to the buffet?

To get to the other sides

The waiter told me that their restaurant had an all-you-can-eat buffet.

I couldn't ask for more.

I was at a Chinese buffet filling up my plate when I noticed something move in one of the food trays.

I disregarded it and continued filling up my plate before heading back to the table.

After I finished I went up again and made sure to keep an eye on that tray and lo and behold something moved again! This time I get a better look and it appeared to be a pair of eyes pop up, see me and quick...

A man walks into a buffet...

He puts a sausage on his plate, and his German friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, he adds a slice of pizza to his plate, and his Italian friend says "now you're speaking my language!".

Then, the man has an incredible urge to sneeze. He reaches for a tissue and raise...

Why did Jabba the Hutt invite a twi'lek to his fish buffet?

He needed a Bib Fortuna.

My favorite Indian buffet ran out of bread.

They said it was a naan issue.

So like, a scientist wanted to go to a buffet restaurant but they were closed for the day.

So he got into his time machine and went back two hours.
And after he ate a plate of spaghetti he was still hungry.
So he went back four seconds.

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Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

Did you hear about the buffet run by mathematicians?

They have a never ending pi special.

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hillbilly guy is eating at a buffet...

a large lady at the next table is wolfing down chicken wings, dipping them into a soup bowl of ranch dressing and shoving them in, right hand, left hand...

suddenly she grabs her throat and starts eeking out a panicked sound and starts turning purple...

the hillbilly jumps up, shoves h...

I didn't really want to go to the seafood buffet...

...but I just went for the halibut

A guy who won free buffets for life committed suicide the other day

I guess he had a lot on his plate.

How are an armless man at a buffet and a kleptomaniac the same?

They just can't help themselves.

A 300 pound Chinese businessman walks into an Italian buffet...

And proceeds to eat nonstop for hours. In a panic the head chef calls up his boss, the big bambino.

The chef says: "Boss! There's a large China man down here wolfin' down all da cannolis! I don't know what to do, and we've replaced the rigatoni 3 god damn times! Should I whack him?!?"
...

Why did the cannibal go to the buffet?

To eat more than the average person!

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What do you call a group of people waiting to get their fruit cocktail at a buffet?

A punch line

Why is a buffet like a strip club?

You'll regret going to a cheap one.

Did you hear about the clock that went to the buffet?

It went back four seconds.

A fat woman got stuck in the door of my local Italian buffet.

I just couldn't get pasta.

Whay doesn't McCree eat at lunch buffets?

It's high noon, and Justice ain't gonna serve itself.

Did you hear about the people that became octophobes after going to the buffet?

They eight too much!

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It was weeks leading up to my prom, I didn’t have a date yet...

So I asked this girl in my class to go with me, and I knew I had to pull out all the stops.

I wanted to buy her flowers and chocolates when I asked her, so I went to the florist but when I got there there was a 15 minute line that I had to wait. I thought ‘Thats fine, it’s prom season’. I wai...

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Plane in a storm.

A plane gets caught up in a violent storm. Lightning bolts hit the plane several times, strong winds buffet it in all directions. All of the passengers are sure they are going to die. Some are screaming, many are throwing up, a few are praying.

Finally, an attractive, smartly-dressed business...

A girl from a strict family.

There was a girl from a very strict family. Her father absolutely hated fruits and no one in the family was allowed to eat them. As far as the girl knew her Uncle had died from choking on an apple which is why they were banned.

All through her school years she longed to taste any fruit, s...

Dracula was casually walking down the street for a late night stroll.

All of a sudden, a mozzarella stick flies through the air and hits him on the side of the head. He looks around slightly perplexed, but doesn't think too much of it.

A few meters further on and a chicken wing smacks him in the nuts. As he doubles over in pain, out of nowhere, he is drenched i...

Buffet

Why did the guy at the all you can eat place go from one serving table to the other?

To get to the other sides.

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

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It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet...

It's three days before prom, and Billy realizes he still hasn't gotten his tux yet. So, he goes all the way downtown to the tux store and when he opens the door there's a huge long tux line. Apparently everyone in town waited until the last possible minute to rent a tux, which shouldn't be that surp...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

What do you call an all-you-can-eat garlic restaurant?

Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

I went to an all you can eat restaurant at a nudist colony in Canada

It was called In the Buffet

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My favorite thing at the Chinese buffet is the chicken balls

But man, those must have been awfully big chickens!

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.

Dad joke a la meatball

I was recently out with some friends at a buffet restaurant.

I ate this Swedish meatball and said, "This tastes more Norwegian to me."

My friend replied immediately, "How could you possibly know that?"

I replied, "I was going to tell you, but you didn't let me Finnish!"

What do you call an all you can eat meal in a rabbit hole?

A Warren Buffet

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A man wakes hungover

A man wakes up in his bed with a terrible hangover. He looks to his bedside table and finds some ibuprofen and a glass of water. He glances around the bedroom and sees that it is cleaner than usual and his work clothes are laid out. He pops the ibuprofen and washes it down with water, and finds a no...

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I lost 50 pounds

to craps


at a British casino


I got it back at the all you can eat buffet

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A politician passes away and arrives at the Pearly Gates........

St. Peter greets him. “Nice to meet you! You should know we give you the choice of whether you want to spend eternity in heaven or in hell.” “How do I know which one to pick?” the politician replies. “We let you spend a day in each, and then you may decide.” The politician agrees and is sent to the ...

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The Levels of Death

A man dies and arrives in Hell. He looks around. The sky is gloomy and rainy. He’s approached by an old man. The old man says, “Hello. Welcome to Hell. Let me show you around.” So the old man starts to show him around. He shows the man to a rundown shack and says, “This is where you’ll sleep.” He th...

Guy takes his girlfriend to the prom....

So this guy is taking his girlfriend to the high school prom. And he's got a lot of work to do.

First he has to rent a tux, so he goes to the tuxedo store. But there's a huge tuxedo line at the store. Finally he gets out of there and realizes he has to go buy a corsage, so he goes to a floris...

What do you call a Star Wars themed all you can eat restaurant?

Bo-buffet

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A priest and a rabbi are stuck on an elevator.

They strike up a friendly conversation and after a while, the priest asks the rabbi, "Tell me, did you ever, in a moment of weakness, partake in the eating of bacon."

The rabbi said, "Yes. I was staying at a motel where no one knew me and it was on the breakfast buffet."

The priest no...

Upstanding bulls

A herd of cows and two bulls are eating grass out in the pasture.
Suddenly, a great gust of wind comes ripping across the prairie and knocks all the cows to the ground. But, the bulls just sway in the wind and continue eating.
When the wind quiets down, the cows stand up, brush off the dirt, a...

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[OC, long] There's a new MLM scheme going around getting housewives to bake cookies, cake, and bread.

"Independent Businesses Owners" buy frozen pastries and mixes from the company, bake them in a timeshare commercial kitchen space, and try to sell them at their office, church, kids' activities, public events, and through social media. The typical.

One of my coworkers, Amanda, recently invite...

The Bee

One day a bee gets bored of his daily jobs, so he decided to leave his hive an explore the world.

He begins his journey, and travels across all 50 states of America, meeting many wonderful people on the way. Everyone seems to like the bee. But there has to be more to life, the Bee thought, an...

The story of the tramp and the holiday

The tramp sat in his park, as normal one cold winter day. He saw a young girl playing on the frozen lake. The ice gave and she fell in. Acting quickly, the tramp ran onto the ice and managed to pull her out and get her back to shore.

Waiting for him was a man in a suit. The girl ran over to h...

New cuisines

I went to a Chinese/ German fusion buffet today for lunch. I had the Szechuan Schnitzel with sweet and sour kraut. It was pretty good. My only complaint is that an hour later I was hungry...
For POWER!

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Sex is like Kebab. When it's good, it's really good...

...and when I'm drunk I'm willing to pay for it in a roadside turkish buffet.

An elderly couple died in a car crash

They had been in excellent health for years through taking regular exercise and also because the wife was obsessed with eating health foods, keeping a strict watch on both of their diets.

So when St Peter welcomed them to Heaven, they were keen to take advantage of the first-class relaxation ...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

When he arrives, he sees Satan approaching him and is terrified for what torments await him.

"Welcome, dude! Don't be so afraid. You're gonna love this place," says Satan with a beaming smile.

"I am?" the man asks nervously.

"Sure you will! All that talk of this place being ...

How to get there faster

The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their pl...

Went to a French-Spanish wedding reception.

The buffet was alright, but the wedding cat was delicious.

Prom

The "geeky" kid in the grade asked the "hot" girl to the prom. Much to his and everyone's surprise, she said yes. While there, she knows she can get him to do anything. And so upon seeing the long buffet line, she asked him to go get her a plate of food. He happily agrees, and while he's gone to get...

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A king hired a professional thief

The king wants to steal the national treasure of the neighboring kingdom, something that, if he owns, he'll have the right to rule BOTH countries. He sent out a call across the land for the best, sneakiest, and most ruthless assassins, thieves, brigands, and highwaymen and stated their crimes would ...

An elderly couple die in a car wreck and appear at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter greets them and invites them in.

He takes them to a nearby car lot and tells them to choose a car. The old man says, "I can't afford any of those cars." St. Peter tells him not to worry about it, because it's Heaven and the cars are there for his use...Ferrari, Bentley, Mercedes......

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A Priest and a Deacon

A Priest realized that less and less people were showing up to church every day. He goes to the Deacon and asks "How can I get more people to come to church?"

"Well", says the Deacon, "people like food. Maybe if you offer free food at mass, more people will show up."

So the Priest set...

An old couple went to heaven

After spending 60 years being married.

When they reach the pearly gates, St George greets them and says, "Welcome! Let me show you what we have."

The saint leads the couple to a massive golf course and a huge golf club, with premium equipment.

"You'll never find anywhere better!...

An old pirate with a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eye patch walks into a bar

The bartender says:

”Whoa, that’s quite a get up you got there! Tell me how you got that peg leg.”

The pirate explains:

”Yarr! Ah lost me leg in a mighty battle with the toyal navy!”

The bartender asks:

”Wow, how about the hand?”

Pirate:

”’twas me old...

Elderly Couple Go to Heaven Together

They both arrive at the pearly gates together and meet Saint Peter, who says "Let me show you around" He pointed to a mansion and said "That will be your house, located next to the country club." The old man asks, "and how much will that cost?" St Peter replies, "oh there's no charges, it's free,...

I went to a dinner party for anorexics.

There was an all-you-can't-eat buffet.

When I was in Paris, I got up early to get some food.

They had this huge mushroom buffet. Portabella, shiitake; Breakfast of champignons

The Missus and the Ex

A man is at a party, chatting to John. Suddenly, his eyes widen and he quickly ducks under the buffet table. Curious, John asks him why he's hiding.


"Behind you... My wife's just found my ex."


John turns around to see the two women shrieking at each other, and promptly ducks u...

I don't care where we eat!

It was close to 10:30am when most places stop serving breakfast that my wife decided she wanted some. As we're leaving I ask, "Where do you want to eat?". Her reply, as per the norm, was "I don't care, you pick." I replied sarcastically "Fine, it's about an hour away, but we can go to the strip club...

The Hungover Chef

A Chef named Ted comes in early to work one Sunday morning, hungover from a crazy party the night before. In his tired state he begin to talk to all of the Breakfast food he's making for the brunch buffet about to start.

Ted looks over at the toast and asks "how are you feeling this morning ...

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