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So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

A Roman walks into a bar

A Roman walks into a bar and holds up 2 fingers and says, "Five beers please."

Two guys are in a bar complaining how they can't pick up any woman

When one points at a man sitting alone at the table. "Look at that ugly mug. We are both better looking, have nicer clothes and more money. Yet every night he take a woman home, sometimes two at the same time." "True that!" agrees his friend, "we try to talk to girls, get them interested in us. He d...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible. After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Obama says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I said "Let me say this, and this is profoundly important...I want Michelle to marry me...I love her,...and I thin...

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

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It’s Friday night and a young woman gets chatting with a handsome army sergeant in a bar.

After a couple of drinks she asks: “So when was the last time you slept with a real woman then?”

A little taken aback, the sergeant replies “Let’s see...that would have been about 2015”.

With that, the woman takes him home for a thoroughly enjoyable evening. Afterwards she exclaims: “W...

Jesus walks into a bar.

He sees a Russian man with a glass of water.
Jesus asks "My son, are you a believer?"
The Russian replies "No."
With a wave of his hands, Jesus changes it to a glass of wine.
"Well my son, do you believe now?"
The Russian frowns and shakes his head.

The next day, Jesus comes in...

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A man walks into a bar and sits next to a hitman who charges $10,000 a bullet

The man says "Aren't you the guy who charges 10k a bullet?" The hitman replies "Yeah, thats me." The man says "I have a job for you. I got 20k spare, and I found out my wife was cheating on me with my best friend. I want you to shoot my wife in the head, and my friend in the penis." The hitman accep...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time, and all agree that the bar is a nice place.
Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At McDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "it would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little plano. The piano man starts pla...

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

I opened a bar for men with erectile dysfunction.

It was a total flop. Nobody came

4 beer company CEOs walk into a bar

The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light.

The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

The first three ask the CEO of Guinness why he didn't order a Guinness, to which he replied:

"I figured if yo...

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

I walk into a bar

**Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?**

**Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.**

**Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.**

**Bartender: Three dollars.**

**Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?**

**Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowerca...

A blind man walked into a bar...

...then a table, then a chair.

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A pirate walked into a bar.

He had a wooden leg, an eye patch and a hook for a hand. The bartender was curious.
"How did you get that wooden leg?" he asked.

The pirate took a swig of ale. "'Twas a terrible sea battle. I stood bravely, directly facing 12 cannons.All they managed to hit was my leg."

The bartende...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender rep...

11 conspiracy theorists walk into a bar.

Now, you can’t tell me that’s just a coincidence.

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

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A man with a gun walks into a bar.

Everyone ducks for cover.
He screams, "Who the fuck had sex with my wife?"
Hearing this, the bartender said meekly, "You don't have enough bullets."

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A Guy goes to the bar in the 100th floor

He orders a Beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off. A guy sitting in the bar sees this and wants to call 911 but the Guys comes out of the elevator. The guy is a bit confused but doesn't say anything. The other orders another beer, exes it and goes to the balcony and jumps off.

H...

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

Bill Cosby enters in a bar ...

... i don't know what happens next because I suddenly woke up in a motel's room.

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A zookeeper walks into a bar

A zookeeper walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Damn it's been a hell of a day. Some idiot visitor tossed a cigarette lighter into the monkey cage. We had a hell of a time getting it away from them. Every time we went near the cage they'd start throwing feces at us, which wasn't that bad, til they ...

A guy walks into a bar, slumps into a chair, and orders a beer. The bartender says, "What's wrong, pal? You look down."

The guy sighs and says, "I am down. My wife is mad at me, and said she wouldn't talk to me for a whole month."

The bartender says, "Gee, that's too bad. When does that start?"

"Start? Today's the last day."

A pirate walks into his favorite bar with a roll of paper towels on his head

The bartender says " What's with the paper towels Skipper? "

The pirate says " Arr, there be a bounty on me head "

A man walks into the Irish bar

The barman says:

-I am deeply sorry sir, but the bar is closed, it will open within the hour only.

-Ok, nevermind, I'll wait - responds the man

-Sure, no problem sir. By the way, would you like a drink to make waiting not so boring?

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Freddie Mercury, Bruno Mars and Venus Williams all walk into the same bar..

But they didn't planet...

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

OMG guys, you won't believe this but James Bond just came into the bar I work at and ordered a drink

I'm literally shaking right now

Who the hell called them 'Topless Bars.' ?

And not 'Breastaurants.'

A termite walks into a bar

and asks: is the bar tender here?

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

   The first mathematician orders a beer 

The second orders half a beer 

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies 

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The barten...

2 guys walk into a bar

"Hey donkey get the beers in" shouts one guy to the other.

The man walks up to the barman and stutters " two bee... two bee... two beers please?" the barman starts to pour the mans beer when the guys friend shouts "Donkey! get me some nuts too"

The man stood at the bar says to the barm...

A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

"A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, "That was a karate chop from China."

The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy te...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a mug, the second a half, the third a quarter, and so on. The bartender pours them 2 whole mugs and says, "sort it out yourselves."

A man goes into a bar, and the bar is empty save for the bartender and an incredbily tiny man playing the piano...

So the man goes to the bar, orders a drink and starts talking to the bartender and he asks about the tiny man playing piano.

"There's a genie who lives in the alleyway behind my bar, and he said he'll grant me one wish. Why don't you have a word with him?"

So the man goes out to the al...

Ancient Roman walks into a bar…

Says to the bartender “i will have a martinus”

Bartender says “you mean martini”

The roman says “no, just one”

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[Long] A guy and his monkey walk into a bar

The monkey jumps on the counter and gobbles up a bowl of peanuts.

The bartender asked the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

The guy replied, "Yeah, he does that all the time. He's always hungry. I'll pay for the peanuts", and hands the bartender a buck. The bartender clink...

A handsome man in a suit approaches a young lady at a bar and asks if he can buy her a drink.

"Don’t you have a girlfriend?" she asked. "Guys like you always have girlfriends."

He looked downcast, "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "OK then, I'll have a white wine please."

One glass of wine led to a second. A few drinks ...

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Three guys were sitting at a bar, having drinks and talking…

The first guy starts bragging and says, “I made love to my wife 4 times last night. She said in the morning that she loved each one more and more.”

The second guy chimes in and replies, “Oh, that’s nothing. I made love to my wife 8 times last night, and she told me in the morning that it’s t...

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, and begins to cry

The bar tender takes notice and asks "hey, what's wrong"

"I've been caught sleeping with my patients, I'm going to loose my license."

"You're crying because of that? My cousin sleeps with his patients all the time, you have nothing to fear."

"Oh yeah? Is your cousin a veterinar...

An Irishman walks into a Bar

An Irishman walks into a bar with a steering wheel shoved down the front of his pants. The bartender takes a look at him and asks, what's the deal with that steering wheel?

The Irishman responds " Aye, Its driving me nuts"

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I met a girl at a bar who told me that she only dates men with 7inch dick.

Bitch I'm not going to cut 3 inches for you.

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey," says the bartender.

The horse neighs excitedly and says, “My friend, you read my mind!"

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, no...

Three men walk into a bar. One works for Budweiser, one works for Corona, and one works for Guinness.

"What would you like?" the bartender asks the Budweiser worker.

"I'll have a Budweiser," says the Budweiser worker.

"And you?" the bartender asks the Corona worker.

"I'll have a Corona," responds the Corona worker.

"Let me guess," the bartender says to the Guinness worker...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!" This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"

"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

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An Australian guy with an alligator walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bar, sets the alligator on the counter and asks for a free drink. Bartender tells him "Sorry, we don't do free drinks here." Aussie says "What if I showed you a trick? " Bartender tells him "It will need to be a really cool trick if you want to earn a free drink."

So, the Au...

A man walks to a bar with a lamp and a large padlock

He goes to the bartender, orders a beer and sets the lamp and the lock on the counter. The bartender pours him a beer and asks whats up with the items.

The man says that the lamp has a genie inside, that grants everyone one wish. The bartender asks if he can make a wish, and the man agrees. ...

A Bear walks into a bar

A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wan...

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender exclaims, “Wow, I’ve never seen a weasel before! What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar...

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if you bought them one at a time.”

The ma...

A limbo champ walks into a bar.

He loses.

A drunk man walked into a bar.

As a bystander, I couldn’t help but laugh as I watched a bruise form on his head.

From my 5 year old: An eyeball walks into a bar and asks for a beer.

The bartender says, “I can’t serve you! Where’s your mouth?”

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A married couple walks into a bar and the husband asks for whatever is on tap and cheap...

...the bartender reaches for the cheap stuff and pours them Busch. They drink a little bit and seem satisfied as the wife asks her husband,

"What beer is this? Who makes it?"

The husband, unsure due to his vague order asks the bartender "Hey, who makes this beer? My wife is curious."...

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A vampire walks into a bar

A vampire walks into a bar and orders a shot of blood. Bartender gives it to him, he pays and leaves.

Another vampire walks in, orders a shot of blood, takes it, pays and leaves.

A third vampire walks in and ask for a cup of hot water. Confused, the bartender asks why not a shot of bl...

A Drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A Few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard from the bathroom.

Then, nothing. But, after another minute or two, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screa...

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A man walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.

He puts a frog on the table in front of him.

A woman at the other end of the bar watches as the man just sits there drinking while the frog watches him. Curiosity finally gets the better of her, so she walks up to the man and asks, "What's with the frog?"

The man looks at the woman and...

A guy walks into a bar

Because he didn't look up from his damn phone

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

Husband and wife are in a bar when the wife sees her ex boyfriend

She says to her husband, ‘see that drunk, I turned down his proposal 10 years ago.
Husband looks at his wife, looks at the guy and sighs, ‘that explains why he is still celebrating’

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman walk into a bar (do all jokes need to be in bars?)

They all sit down at the bar and each order a pint of brew. The Frenchman notices a fly swimming in his drink, so he pushes the glass aside and says, “Bartender, there is a fly in my drink. Please bring me another.” Strangely enough, the Englishman also finds a fly in his drink, but unlike the Frenc...

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A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

A guy walks into a bar, notices a "free beer for life challenge" on the front door.

He goes inside, and asks the bartender what he needs to do to receive free beer for life. The bartender reaches under the bar and pulls out a bottle of vodka, " First, drink this whole bottle in one go, no cry...

A Frenchman, a Dutchman and a German walk into a bar...

Normally there also would've been a Belgian, an Englishman and an Italian, but they couldn't come since they're still at the European Championship.

Two Chemists walk into a bar...

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says "Give me an H2O!" The second says "Give me an H2O too!" The second chemist dies.

A screwdriver Walks into a bar and takes a seat in front of the bartender.

Bartender notices and heads his way over then says “hey bud, we’ve got a drink named after you so here’s one on the house”

Confused, the screwdriver asks “wait, you have a drink named Steve?”

A straw man, a red herring, and a MacGuffin walk into a bar.

But this joke isn't about that.

A horse goes into a bar and orders a pint.

The bartender says, "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse says, "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.

See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy, "I think, therefore I am."

But ...

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

A software tester walks into a bar

Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a bear. Orders -1 beers. Orders hdtseatfibkd.

First real customer walks into a bar and asks where the bathroom is. The bar bursts into flames killing everyone inside.

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A man walks into a bar...

He calls the bartender over and orders 10 shots. The bartender says, "Wow, what's the occasion?" The man says,"Well, I just had my first blow job." The bartender says "That's fantastic, don't be so down, have a shot on the house!" The man says, "No thanks, if 10 shots don't take the taste out of my ...

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

Rene Descartes walks into a bar

The bartender asks “do you want a drink?”

Descartes replies “I think not,” and vanishes.

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A group of guys walk into a new bar for the first time. The barkeep asks what they will be having tonight. [L]

The first guy orders a whiskey coke. The bartender without hesitation hands the man a chilled apple. The man confused by this asks why he is getting the apple. The bartender insists that he takes a bite out of it.

The man chomps into it and exclaims, “Wow! This tastes just like my favorite wh...

Two drunks stumble out of a bar

... and see this rough looking big dog sitting outside of the bar and licking his balls.

Drunk 1: "Man! I wish I could do that!"

Drunk 2: "Dunno, Bob... He looks kinda mean. I'd try petting him first"

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A Chinese general, an American Officer, and a random drunk asshole sit down in a bar and start to brag.

"If all our bombers were to be airborne at once," says the American, "you wouldn't be able to see any part of the sky".

"Hah" boasts the Chinese General, "if all our soldiers were to march at once, you wouldn't be able to see an inch of the ground."

The situation grows tense, and the d...

Two guys walk into a bar

The third one ducks.

So a rope walks into a bar

The bartender says "we don't serve your kind. "

The rope leaves, parts it's head and ties up his chest before entering the bar.

The rope enters again.

The bartender asks "aren't you the same rope? "

The rope says "well I'm a frayed knot. "

Why did 20 Blondies wait outside the bar?

They had to be 21 to enter

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

3 men walk into a bar...

you'd think one of them would have seen it...

A doctor comes to a bar and orders almonds and daiquiri everyday

One day the bartender gives him hickory instead of almonds
The doctor asked what is this?
The bartender said “ it a hickory daiquiri doc”

A man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder

The bartender asks his name, the man replies Tiny. -Why Tiny? -Because he's my-newt.

Two drunk people are sitting at a bar having an argument about Coronavirus.

The first one says "You're just trying to scare people. You don't know anything."

The second replies, clearly fed up with the first, "I'm a doctor! I'm paid to know these things, I have a PhD and everything!"

The first one slurs back, "Well ***I*** have a ***DhD.***"

The second...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar holding a screwdriver over his head. "Ladies and gentlemen!" he yells. "This is not a drill!"

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A horse walks into a bar ...

The bartender says "why the long face?"

The horse, not understanding English, shits on the floor and leaves.

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A Nazi walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Jewish man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that Jew over there!"

The Nazi turns to the Jew smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. So...

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H*tler and Mussolini are sitting at a bar.

A guy walks into the bar and asks the barkeeper "Aren't those two H*tler and Mussolini?" Barkeeper confirms. The guy sits next to them and asks:

-What are you guys doing?

H*tler answers:

-We're planning WW3

-Oh really? What will happen?

-We will kill 15m Jews and ...

The blonde, the policeman, the jew, and the chicken from the other side of the road enter a bar.

The bartender stares at them for a few seconds, then asks: "Is this a joke?"

A piece of string walks into a bar

and walks up to the counter.

The bartender says, "Sorry mate, we don't serve pieces of string in here, get lost."

Upset, the piece of string walks out the door. A sudden thought strikes him. He ties himself in a knot and messes his hair up.

He walks back into the bar and approac...

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

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So A guy walks into a bar..

Hes talking to his friend than He goes up to the bartender and says hey I bet you 500 bucks that i can get a shot glass put it on the table and I can Piss in that shot glass without dropping a dot on your bar The bartender says cool I’ll take that bet easy 500 dollars so the guy whips his dick out a...

An anti-vaxxer is sitting at a bar.

He is a couple beers deep when the bartender shouts “Free shots for the bar! On that man over there!” And he points to a man the anti-vaxxer can’t see.

The bartender then proceeds to walk down the bar pouring shots for each patron. When he gets to the anti-vaxxer, the man stops him from pouri...

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A DUI lawyer, an MLM hun, and a HOA board president ran into each other at a bar in heaven.

They had a few drinks by then and loosened up a bit and were chatting about all kinds of things but were secretly curious about how *they* landed in paradise! They couldn't hold it any longer so they decided to be honest and agreed to tell the truth on what was it that they did that got them to heav...

Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.

Both of them have a great time.

A man walks into an empty bar, except for the bartender.

He sits down and orders a drink.

After a few seconds he hears a whisper: "Pssst... I like your tie."

He looks around but doesn't see anyone.

"Pssst... "that color looks nice on you"

The man asks the bartender, "Excuse me, but... are you speaking to me?"

The barten...

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This guy comes running into the bar and says

There's a woman in the carpark who said she'll fuck anyone. Quick as a flash i ran outside, jumped in her car, and started fucking her. After a few minutes there's a knock on the door, so i open it and there's a cop flashing a torch on us. What's going on here he says. Just having sex with the wife...

Jesus Christ walks into bar

Orders 12 glasses of water, looks at his disiples and gives them a wink.

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

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A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his member.

He tells the bartender to give him a shot of his strongest rum in a dirty glass. The pirate drinks it and breaks the glass against the wall.

The bartender knows to keep his distance from the angry pirate, until he calls him over and demands another shot of rum in a dirty glass. The pirate thr...

A Native American, Pirate, and Frenchman walk into a bar.

The bartender walks over and says, "Gentlemen, hau, arrrrrrr, oui, today?"

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A Nazi walks into a bar....

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

An Irishman goes into a bar

in America and orders three whiskeys. The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman ord...

A thug walks into a bar.

He sees a lone man sitting in front of his beer, crying.
He walks up to him, pushes him off the chair, slaps him left and right in the face and drinks his beer.

The man then started crying even louder and sobbing in absolute desperation.
The thug, annoyed, yelled: Why are you crying lik...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man are chatting in a bar. The Englishman says "We named my son George because he was born on St. George's Day".

The Scotsman says "Wow, what a coincidence! My son is called Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's Day"

The Irishman says "I can't believe it! Wait till I tell you about our Pancake"

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A Catholic priest, a Buddhist Monk and an Atheist walk into a bar

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lord in heaven and live in paradise for all of eternity. I do not curse, I for...

Going to a bar

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large woman came in, talking in an interesting accent.

So I said, “Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?”

One of them snarled at me, “it’s Wales, dumbo!”

So I corrected myself, “oh right, so are you two whales from Ireland?”<...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

Three logicians walk into a bar

The bartender asks, "Do you all want a drink"?

The first one says, "I don't know."
The second one says, "I don't know."
And the third one says, "Yes."

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A man sees a sign in front of a bar that states "Free Beer For 1 Year Inquire Inside"

The man goes inside and sits down at the bar, and asks the bartender about the sign he saw out front. The bartender informs him that all he has to do is complete 3 tasks, and the bar will give him free beer for one year. The man asked what the tasks were and the bartender responded. First you need t...

Dyslexic walks into a bar

Gets slapped and called a pervert.

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Th...

A guy walks into a bar, and another guy says, "I slept with my wife before we were married. Did you?" The other guy says,

"I don't know. What was her maiden name?”

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So Electra walks into a bar...

...the bartender walks over to serve her, stubs his toe, and yells, “Motherfucker!”

She says back, “Oh no sir, you’ve tragically mistaken me for someone else.”

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Last night I met a beautiful woman in a bar...

Last night I met a beautiful woman in a bar. We were getting on really well and after some time we started flirting. It was at this moment that she decided to bite her lip to look sexy.....

unfortunately, she bit her top lip.

A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “you’re underage. Get the hell out of here.”

A Russian soldier and an american soldier are drinking at a bar

The Russian says "I'm impressed by american propaganda. It's so subtle but effective."

The american responds "What are you talking about, we don't do propaganda."

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Guy meets a blond in a bar

A guy meets a blond in a bar. He chats with her for a while, then she excuses herself to go to the bathroom.

While she is gone, a friend of his comes up and tells him that the blond he is talking to is actually a guy dressed like a girl.

The guy has a hard time believing this and deci...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "What are you celebrating?" the bartender asks. "I just got my first novel published," the guy announces. "It's a thriller about a flock of 2,000 mockingbirds." "What's it called?" "2 kilomockingbirds," the guy replies.

A man hurriedly walks into a bar

Man (trying to catch his breath): bartender, give me a scotch neat before I get into a fight

BT: here you go

Man (gulping all in at once): one more before I get into a fight

BT: here

Man: again, before I get into a fight

BT: here, but out of curiosity, who are you ...

A guy runs into a bar says to the bartender

"Quick! Give me 50 shots of your best whiskey!"

The bartender lays out 50 shot glasses and fills them with the best whiskey he has.

The man pounds them down, one immediately after another.

After the last glass, the bartender says "Wow! I've never seen anyone take that many shots...

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What did the bar tender say to the proboscis monkey?

"Why the schlong face?"

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100 penises walk into a bar

Bartender looks at them and says \*"You gotta lotta balls coming in here"\*

at the bar

A woman walks into a bar with a pig and buys them both a drink. "Why are you with a pig?" the bartender asks. "Just saving time," she says. "Pigs don't turn into men when they drink."

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Husband at the bar with Larry the ladies man .....

Husband asked Larry. "Man Larry how do you do it with the ladies to satisfy them everytime" Larry looks at the husband right in the eyes and said" want to know my secret? Right before your about to get down to business with your wife go in the bathroom grab your cock and slam it against the bathroom...

A blue-collar worker is in a bar. He holds up his thumb and pinky and says.....

.... five beers for the boys from the sawmill.

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A man walks into a bar with a cat...

"Hey, we don't allow cats in here!" the bartender says.

But the man objects. "This isn't just any fucking cat," he drunkenly slurs. "This is a very special cat. I've taught him to do fucking math!"

The bartender is skeptical. "*You* personally taught *that* cat to do math?" he asks....

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Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

A group of blondes walk into a bar

They immediately start to set up what looks like a big celebration; they order numerous pitchers of beer, then push tables together, one of them even hangs a big banner over it. As they're celebrating, the bartender notices that the banner says **"51 DAYS!"**

Curious, he walks over to the cel...

Duck walks into a bar

So then the duck decided to walk into a bar. It went up to the barkeeper and asked, "Got any bread?"

The barkeeper looked at the duck and responded, "No, we got no bread."

So the duck asked again, "Got any bread?"

"No, we don't got no bread." the barkeeper said.

The duck ...

The Past, the future and the present walked into a bar

An things got tense

A guy walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

A couple of minutes later, he hears a disembodied voice say “Nice shirt.” He looks around, but there’s no one nearby that could’ve said it.

Confused, he shrugs it off. A few moments later, he hears the same voice, “I like your tie, too.” He quickly looks around. No one is even near him.
...

A French man and a German sit at a bar

The French man says to the German, “In France, we have fun by going to the park, eating bread with cheese, and mocking tourists. What is it that you Germans do for fun?” The German replied, “In Germany we ride the autobahn, visit historical sites, and learn about the world.” “Pah!”, the French man s...

A perfectionist walked into a bar…

apparently the bar wasn’t set high enough.

I was in the bar yesterday...

when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas.


The music was really really loud, so I timed my Farts with the beats. After a couple of songs I started to feel better.


I finished my beer and noticed that everybody was staring at me.
Then I suddenly remembered I...

A Facebook user walks into a bar...

He orders a shot, takes it, then proceeds to tell the whole bar about it. Then, he gets upset at everyone that doesn't want to take shots with him.

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

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