A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

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Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I’m at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis and I've slept with well over 5,000 women.”

La...

A racist, a murderer, and a wife beater walk into a bar

The bartender says, "what can I get you officer?"

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant

He goes to the bartender and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender replies "$1". The customer completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?" The Bartender reply's "$5"....

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A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute.

He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!“

She says, “Honey, follow me," and takes him outside. “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.”

So he figures he’ll t...

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A blind man walks into a bar.

He sits down, and orders a drink. After a little while he speaks up,
“Hey bartender, want to hear a blonde joke?”

A hush falls across the bar. The woman to his left responds,

“you’re blind, so it’s only far that you know this. The bartender is a 30 year old blonde woman. The woman...

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A very tall man walks into a bar

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm on TV, peo...

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A gray haired Army general walks into a hotel bar and sits down next to a young, attractive woman.

They hit it off, and she likes a man in uniform, so she says, “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

The general says, “I’m flattered but at my age I’m not sure if things would work the way you hope.”

She says, “But you’re in good shape...tell me, when was the last time you had sex?”
<...

[NSFW] An American and a Russian walk in a bar...

“One beer, please,” asks the American before downing the beer.

“Da, two beer,” asks the Russian in response, downing both.

Not wanting to be outdone, the American ordered;

“Three beers and shot of whiskey, please,” before downing them all in quick succession.

Not one to b...

A guy enters a bar with a gun

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent. The guy repeats louder "who the fu*k slept with my wife?". Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "you don't have enough bullets"

Guy runs into a bar and yells

"Quick! How tall is a penguin?"


Bartender says "Three feet tall."


Guy says "Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!"

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

A man walks in a bar and shouts “free beers outside!” So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement.

The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!”

The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

A man walks into a bar and sees 2 steaks hanging from the ceiling.

He sits down and orders a beer, and asks the bartender
"what's the deal with the steaks?"

"It's a competition. If you can jump up and slap both steaks at the same time, one with each hand, you win the bar. If you try and fail, though, you pay for everyone's drinks for the rest of the nigh...

A man walks into a bar and sits next to a guy with a little head...

*After having a couple drinks the man asks the other guy, "hey, I don't mean to be rude, but how is it you have such a small head."

The guy replies, "well it's a bitter sweet story. You see when I was in the war my plane got shot down in the Pacific. I parachuted out and ended up on an desert...

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's a coincidence...

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A Russian dude enters a bar wearing a tshirt saying, "Turks got 3 problems."

Obvious repost

As soon as he enters the bar a bunch of Turks stop him.

Turks: you come in our country and have the balls to insult us.

Russian : that's your first problem. you guys gets offended so easily.

Turks: Let's get him outside.

Russian: that's your second p...

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the bar. It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house.

The difference is staggering.

A tomato and a cucumber bounce into a bar.

"Larry and I have been wanting to become human for a while now," the tomato says to the bartender. "But none of the other bars in town have drinks that will turn us into humans. Do you have such a drink?"

"I think I do," says the bartender. "Let me see if I have it."

"This is gonna be ...

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me

. On a related note...…………………. I suck at darts.

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

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A sexual predator, a racist and a Russian spy walk into a bar.

The bartender says "What can I get you Mr. President?"

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

A young guy met a sixty years old woman at a bar and she looked pretty good for her age.

he found himself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.  The young guy drank a couple of beers

she asked if he’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double? 

‘What’s that?’, he asked. 

‘It’s a mother and daughter threesome,’ she said. 

As his mind began to embrace the i...

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A man drinking in a bar pukes on his shirt

. “Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, ...

2 Germans in a bar in London

- 2 Martinis, please.

- Dry?

- NEIN! ZWEI!

[not OC]

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So a duck walks into a bar...

So a duck walks into a bar a says, "hey can I get a beer?". Bartender says "holy shit a talking duck"

Duck: look man I've been doing construction all day and I really just want a beer

Bartender: you should join the circus, you'd make a killing

Duck: what the fuck is the circus g...

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Three muscular brothers are sitting at a table in a bar

A drunk old man is sitting at the bar counter and drinking beer.

After he finishes his drink, he approaches the youngest brother and says,

"I fucked ya mum"

The young brother is disgusted at the old man's words, but silently looks at the floor as the old man heads back to the co...

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

& orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you ...

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A guy with a gun enters a bar.

"Who the fuck had sex with my wife? he snarled angrily

A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets mate!"

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"

An anteater walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's...

David Hasselhoff walks into a bar..

“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff, if it's not too much trouble”, he replied.

“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A statistician walks up to a girl in the bar

**Guy**: You're the most average girl out here.

**Girl**: Hey, you're mean!

**Guy**: No, you are.

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Unbeknownst to his wife, Steve has secretly been drinking at the bar all day.

He looks at his phone only to realize that its 2a.m. and he should be getting home before his wife is pissed.

He tries to stand up but falls flat on his face. Deciding he needs to sober up, he gets some water and waits an hour. Again, he tries to stand up. Again, he falls flat on his face....

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4 Men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.

The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”

The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, say...

Donald Trump walks into a bar

......
and set it lower

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a beer "That'll be five dollars", says the bartender, and the guy throws 20 quarters onto the floor. Reluctantly, the bartender picks up the coins and serves the beer.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, asks for a beer, throws 20 quarters onto the floor, etc.

The next day, again.

On the fourth day, he asks for a beer, and hands the bartender a 10$ bill. The bartender takes advantage of his chance for revenge, throws 20 quarters onto the floor ...

A blind man walks into a bar...

and a chair.... and a table

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.

The bartender says "You know you got a steering wheel in your pants"

The pirate says "Aye, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

A little dwarf is sitting in a bar. He stares at his beer with a sad look in his eyes.

A strong guy appears, punches the dwarfs shoulder and drinks his beer. The dwarf starts crying.

The guy: "Come on, you wimp. A real man does not cry because of a beer."

The dwarf: "Listen. My wife left me today and my bank account was robbed. After that I lost my job. I didn't want to ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A man is sitting at a bar...

He has been there for three hours just nursing a beer with a shit eating grin on his face. The bartender (after noticing this man has purchased nothing more) walks up to him and says "Dude. You've been here forever with that warm beer, and that dumb smile. What the hell are you so happy about?" ...

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

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3 guys walk into a bar...

3 guys walk into the bar, and soon begin a competition.

The first man says, "I have small arms, I bet I have the smallest arms in the world!"

The second man carries on, "I have tiny feet, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third man stands up proudly, and announce...

Four women in a bar are boasting about how loose they are....

The first one says “hey bartender, get me the biggest lemon you’ve got.” The bartender is confused, but brings back a large lemon and gives it to the woman. She goes to work down under, and after some exertion, stands up with no lemon in her hands.

The second lady calls to the bartender, “Ba...

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Bar joke

Man walks into a bar with an octopus, bartender asks him to leave, man says "this is a special octopus and he can play any instrument in the world", bartender says "if thats true not only can you stay but your drinks are free". Man sits down and the bartender passes a flute, sure enough the octopus ...

A man goes to a bar the day before a big competition

He walks up to the bartender and asks for the hardest drink possible.

The bartender gives him the hardest drink and the man shoots it back.

After four drinks the bartender asks “what are you drinking so much for?”

The man says “Well tomorrow I’m going on a TV competition, and ...

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

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A grammar book walks into a bar

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the pass...

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar.

The barman, after serving him, asks "how did ya get the black eye?" He says "I was in church last Sunday and the lady in front of me had her dress stuck in the crack of her bum. So I thought I'd do the christian thing, reached forward and grabbed the hem of her dress and plucked it out. She turned a...

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A guy walks into a bar and slaps $1000 on the bar top.

The guy says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that I can piss from one side of this bar top into a shot glass on the other side without spilling a single drop."

The bartender says, "I don't think that's possible, I'll take that bet."

The bartender sets up a shot glass at the end of t...

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A Filipino, a Chinese man, and a Japanese guy are in a bar having a drink.

When a gorgeous woman comes up to them and says, “Whoever can use the words ‘liver’ and ‘cheese’ in a creative sentence can have me for tonight.” So the Chinese guy says “I love liver and cheese.” She says “That’s not good enough” The Japanese man says “I hate liver and cheese” She says “That’s not ...

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ...

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
“Oh come on man” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I hate to see a man crying”.
“This is the worst day of my life” I sob. “I’m a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I wen...

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A guy and an alligator walk into a bar.

The alligator's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued." The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you." He picks up the alligator and puts...

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A big, burly, 6’10” 283lb guy walks into a bar carrying a brown box...

Everyone is staring quietly because of the sheer size of some random guy seemingly on a mission.

He walks up to the counter and orders two shots of whiskey. After downing them both in succession, he reaches into the box and pulls out a huge snapping turtle, shows it to everyone around. Then t...

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary!"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Give me a rum and coke!"
The anti-vaxver says, "No shots for me."
She then collapses and dies from polio.

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3 girls are sitting in a bar

They are having a competition of vagina width

One girl says: my pussy is so wide, my husband can fit 2 fists in it
The second girl replies with: wow, that’s impressive, but mine is even wider. My boyfriend can fit 2 fists and both his feet.
The third girl, after hearing all this just sm...

A horse walks into a bar...

... and orders a pint. The bartender then says "You know, you're in here pretty often. Do you think you might be an alcoholic?"

The horse responds "I don't think I am..." and promptly vanishes from existence.



See, this was a joke about Descartes' famous line from philosophy: "I...

A string walks into a bar...

The bartender says, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve strings here.”

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, “Hey, aren’t you a string?”

The...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar, sits down and asks the bartender for a drink.

“What’s the occasion?” Asked the bartender

The man replies “I just found out my oldest son is gay.”

Bartender apologizes, the man downs his drink and leaves.

Same man comes in the next day.

...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar with a gun and said
"Which one of you slept with my wife?"
and a guy in the back stands up and says 
"Put it down man. You dont have enough bullets."

today i screwed in a light bulb, crossed the road, walked into a bar,...

and realized that my entire life is a joke.

An infinite amount of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first orders a pint. The second orders a half, the third a quarter and so on. The bartender pours 2 pints and says, “Figure it out yourselves.”

A man walks into a bar and orders a Corona and two hurricanes...

The bartender says that'll be $20.20

A horse walks into a bar.

The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!"

The biker look...

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A guy walks into a bar in one morning, and goes up to the bar tender. "Do you guys have golden toilets?" he asks.

"What? Golden toilets? What are you talking about?"

"Look, last night I got pretty wasted but the one thing I can remember is peeing in a golden toilet."

Bartender says "OK, first, no we don't have golden toilets. Secondly, HEY MORTY, I FOUND THE GUY THAT PISSED IN YOUR TUBA!"

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A dung Beatle walks into a bar and asks

Is this stool taken?

A bear walks into a bar and says

“Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged.

“I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

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I brought a girl home from the bar last night...

After a particularly vigorous session of love-making, we're both just cuddling in bed, and she reaches out and starts stroking my penis.

I smile and ask

_"Ready for another round?"_

She replied

_"No, I just miss mine"_

2 Blondes walk into a bar...

The first blonde proclaims to the second one, “I can fit 3 fingers in my ass!”

So of course, the second blonde retorts, “I can fit my entire fist!”

A third blonde walks in and sits down at the bar. They ask, “Hey, we’re talking about how much we can fit in our asses. How much can you f...

A pirate goes to a bar, but a huge wheel is sticking out of his crotch

The bartender asks 'hey whats with the wheel?' The pirate replies 'arg... its driving me nuts'

I walked into a bar with lizard on my shoulder.

I said "One pint for me and one for my mate Tiny"
The bartender said, "Why do you call him tiny"
I said, "He's my newt."

I got told a joke about candy bars

It wasn't that funny so I just snickered

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.

The first one orders a beer.
The second one orders half a beer.
The third one orders a quarter of a beer.
The fourth one orders an eighth of a beer.
At this point, the bartender has enough, poors the mathematicians two beers and says: "There you go, split them yourselves."

An astronomer walked into a bar.

He sat down and ordered a Guinness. The bartender got it for him and, hoping to get a better tip since the bar was slow, decided to make some small talk. Looking him over, the bartender noticed he was wearing a badge from a local observatory.

B: So, you work at the observatory, huh?

...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of Tequila.

"What are you celebrating?"

"My first blowjob."

"Congratulations! In that case, number 7 is on the house."

"Buddy, if 6 doesn't get the taste out of my mouth nothing will.

A guy named Bart walks into a bar, he immediately gets shot and dies. Who killed him?

The Bartender

two big pieces of tarmac walk into a bar...

the pieces of tarmac walk up the counter and begin to order their drinks, but as they do, a small piece of pink tarmac walks in.

the two larger pieces of tarmac say to the bartender: "please. let the pink tarmac order first."

the bartender replies: "why, are you two big lads scared of ...

A Roman centurian walks into a bar

And says to the barman "I'd like a Martinus, please"

The barman says "don't you mean a Martini?"

And the centurion snaps "if I wanted a double I would have asked for one"

A man is about to walk into a bar, but is warned “DUCK!” So he ducks under the bar.

Then a duck comes from behind him and shanks him 37 times.

Some girl got her nipples pierced at the bar yesterday

I'm not very good at darts

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist walk into a bar.

The bartender sees them and asks, "What is this, a joke?"

An old cowboy walks into a bar…

...bershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber...

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

a bear walks into a bar. the bartender asks “what’ll it be?”

the bear says “I’ll have a gin and.......................... scotch.”

the bartender says “what’s with the long pause?”

the bear responds “eh, I inherited them from my father.”

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "130."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."

Another guy came in for a drink and th...

Bruce Lee walks into a bar...

And the bartender goes: "Woah! You're Bruce Lee! What can I get for you?"

"WAH-TAH!"

Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”

*Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water.*

So you've all heard about the neutron that walks into a bar, but what about...

A neutrino walks into a Mexican Restaurant. He orders a taco with extra chili sauce. The bartender comes up to his table with a taco and a gigantic bottle of super-hot chili sauce. He opens the taco, starts pouring sauce and asks:

"So how much salsa do you want, amigo?"

The neutrino a...

A Mouse and A Lion walk into a Bar

They’re sitting there chugging away at a few beers when a giraffe walks in. “Get a load of her” says the mouse, “I fancy that!”

“Well, why not try your luck?” says the lion.

So the mouse goes over to the giraffe and starts talking to her, and within five minutes they’re out the door an...

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A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

A Babylonian walks into a bar

holds up four fingers and says "Twelve beers please"

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar

“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, & an Irishman walk into a bar

They each order a beer and sit at the bar. The Englishman notices a fly in his drink so he pushes it away and asks for another.

The Scotsman checks his beer and also sees a fly. He fishes it out and starts to enjoy his pint.

They both look over to see that the Irishman also found a f...

A gorilla walks into a bar

He orders a beer. The bartender figures "what does a gorilla know?", charges the gorilla $50 for the beer. Gorilla pays him.

It's early, the bar is quiet, so the bartender isn't busy. He is curious, so he says to the gorilla "You know, we don't get many gorillas in here."

"At these pri...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign:

CHEESEBURGER - £1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH - £2.50

HAND JOB - £10


He walks up to one of the three attractive barmaids:
“Yes?” She enquires with a smile. “Can I help you?”

“I was wondering” whispers the man. “Are you the one that gives the handjobs?”

“Yes” she pur...

A Roman Legionnaire walks into a bar.

The bartender asks "What can I get you?" to which the Legionnaire replied: "A Martinum please".

The bartender looked puzzled, "Don't you mean a Martini?"

The legionnaire snapped back with "If I wanted a f*cking double I'd ask for one!"

An oligarch, a theocrat, and two architects of the prison industrial complex walk into a bar...

Sorry, I misplaced my notes. Those are just the choices for the US Presidential election.

A man walked into a bar...

he then had to go to the emergency room because the force trauma of the bar to his head caused a blood vessel to burst in his brain.

RIP jimmy.

An armed panda bear and a scientist walk into a bar.

The panda orders a sandwich, eats it, shoots the scientist, and walks out of the bar.

The scientist explains while dying: “a panda bear eats chutes and leaves”

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A Reddit user, a Reddit user, and a Reddit user walk into a bar.

The first one orders a coke. Five minutes later the second one orders a coke and the whole bar starts cheering, another five minutes later the third one orders a coke and the whole city erupts in thunderous applause.

Edit: whoever wasted money on giving me silver, I'd like you to know that I'...

Three old friends met at a bar, and one asked the group, “When we die, what do we want to be the final words of our loved ones when they look over our casket?”

“I want them to say that I was a loving and loyal husband and father who always put his family first”, the first friend said.

“Well,” said the second friend, “I want them to say that I was a man who never gave up on my dreams and lived a very fulfilling life.”

“As for me”, said the thi...

A grasshopper walks into a bar

A grasshopper walks into a bar and sits down. The bartender looks at him and says “we got a drink here named after you." The grasshopper looks up surprised, "you’ve got a drink named Steve?!”

French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head

The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them”

A donkey, mule, and a horse walk into a bar

On their way to the bar a man looks at the donkey and yells “what an ass!”

The equestrians shrug off this distasteful jab and continue towards the bar.

The same man stands up and looks at the mule saying “I’d yell all day but now I’m a little horse!”

The equestrians ignore the m...

A well-dressed man walks into a bar.

He takes a seat at the bar, and the bartender asks, "What'll you have?"

"I'd like a shot of 25-year-old scotch, neat."

The bartender was too lazy to go into the stockroom for 25-year-old scotch, and he figured the man wouldn't know the difference, so he poured a shot of 8-year-old scot...

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Two guys sit at a bar. One tells the other: I opened a brothel, a blowjob is 25$ and anal is 50$.

The other guy asks: And how much is normal?

The guy replies: I don’t know, I don’t have employees.

So this guy enters a bar and asks for three pints of beer

G: Guy BK:Barkeeper

G: "Good evening, I'll have 3 pints of beer please"

BK: "Hello sir, absolutely, expecting some company?"

G: "Actually, I'm drinking three pints of beer in the name of my two brothers that lost their lives in the war, so it's one for me, one for Matt and one ...

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Guy walks into the bar and asks for a double shot of tequila. Bartender pours it and immediately the guy drinks. Guy then immediately asks for another double, bartender pours it and guy drinks immediately. The bartender in shock that he drank the shots so quickly asks"whoa, what are you celebrating?

Guy " I just experienced my first blowjob"

Bartender "Congrats, this ones on me bud"

Guy drinks it "Thank you"

Bartender " so how was it?"

Guy " Not bad, but I'm still trying to get the taste out my mouth"

Freddy Mercury, Venus Williams Williams Bruno Mars all happened to walk into the same bar.

But they didn't planet that way.

A bear walks into a bar...

He approaches the barman


Bear: "Can I have a pint..................................... and a packet of crisps?"

Barman: "Of course, but what's with the big pause?"

Bear: "IM A BEAR!!"

A limbo champion walks into a bar

He's disqualified

A Roman guy walks into a bar

He holds up the peace sign and says “I’ll take 5 shots please”

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A grown up man walks into a bar, orders three shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

Right a‌‌fter t‌‌hem c‌‌ome f‌‌our s‌‌hots o‌‌f J‌‌aegermeister a‌‌nd f‌‌ive o‌‌f a‌‌bsinthe.

The b‌‌artender s‌‌ays, "‌‌Whoa t‌‌here b‌‌uddy. T‌‌hat's a‌‌ l‌‌ot o‌‌f s‌‌hots. W‌‌hat's g‌‌oing o‌‌n?"

The m‌‌an r‌‌eplies, "‌‌You k‌‌now, I‌‌ t‌‌urned 5‌‌0 t‌‌oday a‌‌nd I'm celebrating my...

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.

The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something

Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."

Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you ha...

A construction worker walks into a bar, and orders a “stiff drink” after work.

5 minutes later, the bartender brings him a glass filled to the brim with cement.

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A Jew walks into a New Zealand bar

The bartender says, "Hey bro."

The Jew replies, "How did you know?"

A man walks into a bar with a fish under his arm...

He asked the barman if they sold any fish cakes. The barman said no and the man pouted. “That’s a shame,” he said, pointing to the fish, “it’s his birthday!”

Did you know before they had Monkey bars

Monkeys would just drink at home.

Bono and The Edge walk into a bar -

The barman says, "Not you two again."

A racist, a liar and a misogynist walks into a bar

The bartender greeted “Good evening, Mr. President!”

Two guys walk into a bar

They walk up to the robot bartender and the first guy says "I'll have an h2o." The second guy says "I'll have an h2o too!" The robot bartender then murders them both because Elon Musk was right about AI.

A Man goes to a bar with his friend at his friend favourite bar after they are few drinks down someone yells 26

Everyone starts laughing including his friend and this guy is confused he asks his friend what's happening before his friend can answer someone else shouts 94 everyone including his friend is in splits now the guy starts getting really confused. After few moments of silence someone says 153 eve...

An Optimist and Pessimist wall into a Bar

The optimist orders a drink while the pessimist puts ice on the bruise

Remember when you could smoke in a bar ?

Now you can't even drink in one.

A kangaroo enters a bar in the middle of the outback

Everyone stares at him awkwardly, wondering how an animal could be lost to the point of entering a human home. The kangaroo jumps up to the bar and says :

"Hey, gimme a pint of beer."

The owner, confused by this sight, points at the beer taps :

"Er, which one ?"

"Gimme an...

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A bear walks in to a bar in Butte, Montana orders a red beer...

Bartend says "sorry buddy, we don't serve red beers to bears in bars in Butte, Montana."
Bears says " that a fact"
"Yup" the bartender replies.
Now the bear gets angry, Yelling, stomping and causing a ruckus.
There's a old bar fly causing an equal ruckus, at the other end of the bar, ...

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Early one morning a fat kid was sitting in an airport terminal eating a giant size candy bar.

An older man strolled by and saw the boy.

He stopped abruptly and asked "Hey kid, do you think it's a good idea to be eating a giant candy bar for breakfast?"

The boy replied "I don't know, but my grandpappy lived to be 102 years old."

The old man said "I'm sure he did, but he ...

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A man walks into a bar and says he'll drink anything that has gin in it

The Bartender decides he wants to impress the man with something creative. He grabs some cold-pressed mango juice from the refrigerator, squeezes in the juice from a small lemon, adds some ginger ale, and garnishes it with rosemary and an orange twist. Finally he adds the gin.

As the man fini...

A man walks in a bar and says: 'I'd like 7 double wiskeys, please.'

The bartender nods and starts pouring 7 glasses of wiskey.

As soon as the first glass is ready the man starts chugging, one glass after another.

The bartender, dumbfounded, asks the man: 'Why are you drinking so fast?'

The man awnsers: 'well, you would do the same as me, if you ...

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A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

Another man at the bar, notices his accent and asks, “You sound like a fellow Irishman. What county do you come from?”
“I come from Kildare” the man replies.
“Me too! What town in Kildare?”
“Maynooth, ...

A man walks into a bar

He sits down and asks the bartender: "Can I have 8 beer please?"

The man gets his 8 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all 8 glasses are empty.

Now he asks: "Can I please have 6 more beers?"

The man gets his 6 beers, he starts to drink and doesn't stop untill all ...

Quasimodo is drinking at a bar.

He sees this extremely drunk woman. He starts chatting her up and one thing leads to another and they wind up in bed back at Quasimodo’s room at Notre Dame.

The girl wakes up the next morning severely hung over and with little recollection of where she is and who she slept with. She pulls the...

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An American and an Indian meet at a bar..

American: How the fuck do you marry a woman before you know about them?

Indian: How the fuck do you marry a woman after you know about them?

I've been racking my brain trying to remember what that American sitcom was called set in a bar..

Any help would be appreciated.

Cheers.

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So i saw some people translating jokes so here is a Turkish one. One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey...

One day a Japanese man walks into a bar in Turkey and challenges everyone in the bar for a fight.

\-Are there anyone who believes he can defeat me ?

Temel gets up and walks to the door saying:

\-I can do it. Let's see what you are made of.

A few minutes later Temel walks ...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar

They all order a pint of Guinness. Three flies come along and they all manage to land in the beer of the three patrons. The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust and orders another one. The Scotsman takes the fly out and drinks his beer. The Irishman takes the fly out of his glass, holds it ove...

Super Mario walks into a bar and orders a drink. Takes one sip and starts coughing hysterically. Bartender asks “are you ok?”

Mario says “wrong pipe.”

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A guy walks into a bar, gets a drink and yells: lawyers are assholes!

A guy down the bar says, hey I heard that and I resent it. The first guy says, are you a lawyer? And the second guy says
No, I'm an asshole!

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a rum and coke

The bartender says “sure thing” and reaches below the bar. He puts an apple down in front of the guy and says nothing. The man says “sorry but I ordered a rum and coke.” The bartender says, “just take a bite.” So the man takes a bite and is surprised. “This tastes like rum.” He says. The bartender n...

A man sensitive to light walks out of a bar

He quickly rushes back in.

The bartender smirks, "I misjudged you. You must be a heavy drinker."

A guy with a wooden eye goes to the club and sees a beautiful woman standing at the bar. She happens to have a peg leg. He walks up and asks her to dance...

She says “Would I!”

He says, “I didn’t want to dance with you anyway, peg leg!”

A guy walks into a redneck bar.

A guy walks into a redneck bar and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some flamboyant Yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

"No sir," the guy says, "I'm from North Dakota."

"North Dako...

I met a gorgeous girl in the bar last night and she promised to show me a good time...

So we went outside and she ran 100 metres in 9.69 seconds

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?" The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the drive...

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Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the first.
"I'll have H2O, too," says the second.

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.

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A Conman, Moron and Rapist walks into a Bar

Bartender asks “What would you like, Mr. President?”

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a bar

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat, the man says to the bartender "I'll have a pint of lager please"

The ostrich says "and I'll have the same"

The cat then says "Gin & tonic for me, but I'm not paying!"

The bartender looks a bit perplexed but announces ...

Two Russian men walk into a Finnish bar

Where they take a seat and order two pints of the bar's finest beer.

The waitress arrives with the pints and two coasters for the gentlemen. She notices that they seem slightly confused.

Soon after, they order two more pints and when she noticed the coasters were missing she replaced ...

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