A nihilist, a socialist, and a neo-marxist walk into a bar and order drinks.

"We don't sell alcohol to anyone under 18", says the bartender.

This guy walks into a quiet bar.

He is carrying three ducks, one in each hand, and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the bartender. The bartender is experienced, and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They...

Two friends are having a chat in a bar.

Chris: Hey can I borrow a ten?

Kristen: sure.

Christen: Thank you.

Kris: Anytime.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something, our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde, Im a 6’ tall, 200lb black belt, the guy sitting next to me is 6’2”, weighs 225, and he’s a rugby player, the fella on your right is 6’5” pushing 300 and...

A drunk in a bar is yelling "All lawyers are thieves"

The guy sitting next to him says, "Whoa, easy there buddy."

The drunk says, "Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm a thief" says the guy.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar

You can't tell me that's just a coincidence

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

A North Korean Soldier Walks Into A Bar

The bartender asks, "How's it going?" The North Korean soldier replies, "Can't complain!"

A man walks into a bar and sits down He asks the barkeep "If I can show you something you have never seen before, can I drink here for free tonight?"

The barkeep thinks about it and says "well I have seen a lot of stuff, if you can genuinely show me something I have not seen before, I will pick up your tab tonight".

So the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a minature piano and sets it on the bar, then he reaches into his other pock...

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

Cardi B and Bill Cosby walk into a bar...

I don’t remember the rest.

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A penis walks into a bar

The bartender says,”why the schlong face?”

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A Nazi walks into a bar..

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and say...

Comic Sans walks into a bar

The bartender says "Get out - We don't serve your type".

A man walks into a bar and notices a sign advertising "World famous punch!"

The man thinks, "Awesome! I love punch!"

He approaches the bartender and asks, "Hey barkeep, saw your sign. I'd love some punch!"

The bartender replies, "Sure thing buddy, you just have to wait in the line."

The man looks around and doesn't see anything.

A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini

. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around and wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took u...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.”

The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my righ...

A Russian enters a bar full of Turkish people.

He's wearing a t-shirt with bright lettering "Turkish got 3 problems."

Just a few seconds later the Turkishs oppose him and say "Hey, yopu know what you're wearing is insulting?"
The russian responds: "This is your first problem: You're so easily offended."

The Turkish respond: "Oka...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign hanging over the bar which read: Cheese Sandwich: $1.50, Chicken Sandwich: $2.50, Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.

“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

I was wondering, whispers the man, "are you t...

A blind guy walks into a bar...

...and a table...and a chair...

An Irishman walks past a bar.

Just kidding.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says "You must be a dent...

A crow was arrested an put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.

"Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."

"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."

"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer b...

ƒ(x) walks into a bar.

The barman says, "Sorry, we don't cater for functions."

The women I meet in bars have the WORST pickup lines...

​

They're like, "Hey, what's your friends name?" Never works on me ladies.

A guy walks into a bar to get some work done.

Guy says to the bartender “hey, can I get the WiFi password?” Bartender says “you have to buy a drink first”. Guy grunts and says “fine, let me get a jack and coke”. Bartender comes over and gives the man his drink. Guys say “now can I have the WiFi password?” Bartender nods and say “you have to b...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before."

Original joke replies, "Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar...

A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers.
The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?”
The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer.
He then says to neutron while giving ...

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A guy walks into a bar. There's a huge jar of cash behind the bartender...

Guy asks, "What's with the jar?"

Bartender says, "Well, all the regulars have a bit of a challenge going. First, you throw a hundred bucks in the jar to ante up. Then you have to down five bottles of tequila within' ten minutes. Then you have to go out the back door. Across the street to the ...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

A redhead, brunette and a blonde walk into a bar.

They were having a chat when the bartender asked them about thier opinions on elements.

The redhead says,"I love gold because I can buy a lot of cars with it."

The brunette says,"I would prefer platinum because it is more valuable than gold and can buy you more cars."

The blonde...

A racist, an adulterer, and a criminal walk into a bar...

The bartender asks, "What can I get you Mr. President"?

So a limbo player walks into a bar

And he instantly loses

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A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

A man walks into a bar, “wanna hear a trump joke?”

The bartender puts down the rag he was cleaning with and looks up. “Buddy, before you go and tell that joke I think you ought to know I voted for mr. Trump... see those big guys down at the end of the bar? They voted Trump as well. Now, are you sure you wanna tell your little joke?”

The man l...

A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and asks the bartender, “do you have any helicopter flavored potato chips?”

The bartender replies, “no we only have plane ones.”

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”

So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves.

When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my...

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar holds up two fingers and says

"Five beers please"

An on-duty police officer is staking out a particularly popular bar right before closing time hoping to catch anyone trying to drink & drive

As the patrons start exiting the bar at closing time, he sees one guy who seems particularly drunk.

The cop watches intently as this guy stumbles off the curb, trips over his own feet and tries his car keys on 4 different cars before ultimately finding his own. Once he finally finds his car a...

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A man walked into a bar, he was crying profusely

"I need you to give me enough drinks to kill me" He said, sobbing to the bartender.. "My wifes been sleeping with someone else." He explained.

The bartender, in shock replied "I wont kill you. If I were you, I'd kill the guy who fucked my wife."

"Fine." The crying man replied. He retur...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

So a man walks into a bar..

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches,...

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little highe...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer.

The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things t...

It’s my cake day so a joke for everyone

A polar bear walks into a bar and the bartender says

“What’ll it be today?”

The bear says “give me a gin and.........................tonic”

The bartender says “sure thing but why the big pause?”

The bear looks down and says “I dunno? I was just born with them. “

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell...

A lady yells: "NO! I WON'T SLEEP WITH YOU PIG!". Everyone in the bar stops and stares...

Completely embarrassed, the guy slinks back to his table with a red face.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles and says: "I'm so sorry if I embarrassed you. I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassin...

A Marine who is missing both of his arms walks into the bar...

The bartender - also a former serviceman - spots the guy's SemperFi tattoo and shoves a tall foaming glass of beer in front of him.

"This one is on the house bro", he says.

"Thanks man," said the patron.

"Look" he says... "would you mind to hold the glass up to my mouth?"...

A horse walks into a bar, at which point the bartender asks if he’s an alcoholic given all the bars he frequents.

“I don’t think I am.” the horse replies.

*poof*

The horse disappears.

This is the moment where those who are into philosophy start to grin as they’re familiar with the philosophical proposition of “Cogito Ergo Sum”, or “I think, therefore I am”.

But to explain that joke b...

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2 pieces of black pavement walk into a bar, order 2 beers and sit down at a table.

5 minutes later a green piece of pavement walks in, and as soon as it does the black pieces dive under the table to hide, trembling with fear.

The green pavement has a quick drink and leaves the bar.

The barman approaches the black pavement and asked what the problem is, stating "tha...

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

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A guy walked into a bar...

...and ordered a triple scotch. The bartender poured him the drink and the guy drank it down in one gulp.

“Wow," said the bartender. "Something bad musta happened.”

“I came home early today," answered the guy. "I went up to the bedroom, and there was my wife having sex with my best fri...

David Hasselhoff walked into a bar

and ordered a drink.

“Its a pleasure to serve you, Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.

“Just call me Hoff,” the actor replied.

“Sure,” the bartender said, “no hassle.”

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Car Battery and a Bra walk into a Bar...

Car Battery and a Bra, walk into a bar.
The Car battery asks the Barman “Two beers please mate for my partner and I”
The Barman looks at the Car Battery and Bra and refuses to serve them.
The car battery, looking confused asks why?
The Barman replies “ Because your friend is off her tit...

A string goes into a bar.

The bartender goes we don't serve your kind.

So the string leaves, twists himself up, parts his hair and goes back to the bar.

"Aren't you the same guy from just a minute ago?", the bartender asks.

" I'm a frayed knot", says the piece of string.

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking

Two friends meet at a bar and start talking:

\- Yesterday my girlfriend came to me and told me she is pregnant.

\- Really? What did you say?

\- Nothing. I cried.

\- Really? Why?

\- Because I know what it means to grow up without a father.

An Irishman walks into an American bar

He sits down and orders 3 beers.

“You know, you don’t have to order these all at once - I’m happy to make them fresh,” says the bartender.

“Oh no, ya see,” replies the Irishman, “the extras are for me two brothers back in Ireland. We all order 3 beers so it feels like we’re drinkin tog...

Two chemists walk into a bar

The first walks up to the bartender and says “I’ll have an H2O”. Bartender gives him his drink. The second chemist walks up and says “I’ll have an H2O too”. The second one dies.

An atheist, a vegan, and a crossfitter walk into a bar...

I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

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An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. As...

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Two hobos with a sausage walk into a bar.

First one tells the other,

"Let's order a ton of food and drinks. Once we're drunk, I'll whip out this sausage link, and you go under the table and start sucking this thing. When security sees what we're doing, they'll have no choice but to kick us out before we pay."

For the next cou...

Me and a friend were in a bar...

As the night progressed, tensions were flared between us and another group of rather large gentlemen.

It got a bit heated and they eventually starting sizing us up and squaring up to us. They became extremely aggressive and wanted to fight.

My friend looked at me and said “pretend we...

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A man walks into a bar and sees Hitler sitting there talking to the bartender...

Hitler what are you doing here, I thought you were dead! says the man

Hitler replies oh no no no that was all staged. I'm alive and well and with a new master plan. I'm killing all poor people AND a giraffe!

Puzzeled the man asked Ooookay, but what's with the giraffe?

Hitler tu...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Because she heard the drinks were on the house.

A Man walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says “What an interesting pet, whats his name?” “Tiny” the man replies. “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?”

"Because…He’s my newt.

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Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outs...

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Guy walks into a bar with a gun and snarls “who had sex with my wife!!!”

A guy in the back replies

You don’t have enough bullets

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The wife said she loves the new guy at our local cocktail bar...

She has the best screaming orgasms.

I just got kicked out of a karaoke bar for singing Danger Zone five times

I exceeded the maximum number of Loggins attempts

An English, Irish and a Scottish man walk into a bar

They each order a beer and as it arrives a fly falls into each of their glasses.

The Englishman pushes the glass away and demands a new one.

The Scotsman throws the fly out and takes a sip.

The Irishman grabs the fly, starts shaking it over the glass and yells: "Spit it out, spi...

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A man walks into a bar...

And notices a very large jar on the counter,and sees that it's filled to
the brim with £10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay £10, and if you pass three tests, y...

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

The past, present, and future all walked into a bar.

It was tense.

2 Irish men walk into a bar

2 Irishmen (joe and bob) have only 5 cents between them. Joe takes the 5 cents and buys a sausage. They go into the first bar and get their drinks. When it's time to pay Joe puts the sausage in his pants and unzips them and bob starts sucking on the sausage. They, of course, are kicked out of the ba...

In a bar, an American, an Italian, a Turkish and an Indian met.

After a few pegs, they started discussing about the great things their respective nations produced.

American: "We are proud of our CIA. They know everything that is going around the world, often even before it happens".

Italian: "We are proud of our women. They are the most beautiful ...

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar

The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off....

A guy walks into a bar

He says to the bartender, "Give me a beer, anything but Budweiser".

He drinks his beer, and again asks for anything but Budweiser.

The Bartender asks,"What's wrong with Budweiser?"

The patron replies, "Oh man, last time I had Budweiser, I got really messed up and blew chunks all...

Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.

One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!"


That was the punch line.

Two people walk into a bar.

They see that the bartender is Eminem.

"Two shots please", one of them tells him

"Sorry. You only get one shot"

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[Long] A guy walks into a bar and demands 3 shots of tequila. Bartender obliges and says, "rough day?". "You have no idea!", the guy replies as he slams down the shots...

He begins telling him about his horrible day when a jar full of money at the end of the bar catches his eye. "What's that jar of money for over there? It's full to the brim of $10's and $20's!"

Bartender tells him it's a challenge he offers to his patrons, $10 to play, and you have to complet...

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A man walks into a bar with an AR15 and says

"I'm gonna shoot the son of a bitch who slept with my wife"
To which one of the bar patrons shouts
"You don't have enough bullets"

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, “Who told you that drinking is bad?”

Nun : "Mother Superior told me."

Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"

Nun : "No, I haven’t ever taken a drink of hard liquor."

Man : "Well, don’t criticize me if you haven’t tried it. I’ll tell you what if ...

A woman asked a man at bar (a taxidermist), what he does for a living.

"Oh, you know...stuff."

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A man walked into a bar in Scotland, sat down and ordered a drink.

Next to him was a leathery old Scotsman, well into the bottle in front of him.

The man asked the Scotsman if there was something the matter.

The Scot replied; "Aye lad, indeed there is. You see this bar here? I made this bar with me own two hands, slowly crafting it in the time-honored...

A guy walks in a bar...

(Sorry in advance for my English, it's not my first language)


He sees on the counter of the bar a small pianist, about 10 inches tall, playing on a small piano.




- Man: What's up with the pianist?




- Barman: Oh, my genie got me that.



...

One day I changed a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

Then I realized my whole life was a joke.

Two whales walk into a bar

The first whale goes "oooOOOOOoooo...aaaaaaaaa......\*BLURB\* \*BLURB\* \*BLURB\* aaaaaaEEEEEooooOOOOOO ooooeeeEEE \*whomp\* \*whomp\*\*whomp\* acacacacacacacacacacac oooOOoooeeeeeeEEEEEE AAAAAAaaaaaaOoooOOOOOOOO"

The second whale looks at him and goes "I don't get it."

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(The joke from "The Breakfast Club" that was never finished.) A naked woman walks into a bar with a female poodle under one arm and a six-foot salami under the other.

The bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink," to which the woman responds, "I sure as hell do, after what happened to me." The bartender, of course, asks what happened, and the woman says, "My boyfriend and I went up to my room when he said that he would pound his favorite bitch with...

Keanu Reeves walks into a bar

A month later the bar had to close down because it was now set so high nobody else could enter it

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

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A guy walks into a bar with a dog...

... The bartender looks up and says, "You can't come in here with that mutt!"

The guy says, "Whoa, whoa, whoa! This ain't no ordinary dog. As a matter of fact, you should be paying for my drinks, because this dog is going to draw a crowd. It's a talking dog."

The bartender scoffs, but ...

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A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt

"Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself.

The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and ...

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I was in a bar a few months ago with a friend and these four huge bastards started mouthing off to us

"Pretend we're the Police." my friend says.
I only got half way through the first verse of Roxanne before they kicked the shit out of us.

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A pirate with an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook walks into a bar.

The bartender notices him, and decides to ask about his injuries.


"So..." he starts off, "How'd you get that peg leg?"


"A shark bit off me leg."


"And the hook?"


"An enemy pirate cut off me hand."


The bartender gasps, fascinated by the...

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This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, Bartender, I got me a bet for you.

I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says, "Now wait, let me get this strait. You're tryin' to tell me you'll bet me $300 that you can pi...

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A Man Walks into a Bar

He walks up to the bar and stands there. "One shot of whiskey, my good man!"

"You're in a jolly mood today. What's the occasion?" Asks the bartender.

"Well, I just tried anal for the first time with my wife!" The patron exclaims.

"Hell, the first one is on me then, have a seat!"...

A guy walks into a bar wearing a head to toe radiation suit

The bartender says “I’ve heard of clothing that protects you from the elements, but this is outrageous”

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A man walks into a bar.....

"What'll it be, sir?" asks the landlord.

"A pint of the black stuff if you please" replies the man.

"I just need to change the barrel, help yourself to some nuts while I nip down to the cellar".

Noticing the bowl of nuts for the first time, the man reaches to take a few. As he ...

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Ike calls his wife from the police station. He says he was arrested during 80’s night at the local bar.

“What happened?”, inquired his wife.

“You see...”, Ike replies, “...they were playing 80’s music that night, and drunk me had the bright idea of doing something related to the song that was playing at that moment.”

“...Would you mind elaborating?”

“Ok then,” sighed Ike, “One tim...

A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling about ten or eleven feet in the air

So he goes up to the bartender and asks, “Why do you have all this meat hanging up everywhere?”

The bartender replies, “Well, we actually have a bit of a game we like to play here, a sort of challenge.”

The man, obviously intrigued, asks the bartender what the game is. So the bartender...

A guy walks into bar alone and orders two beers.

"Are you expecting someone?" Asks the bartender.

"No, my brother is in the army and before leaving he told me that everytime i drink i have to also drink for him as well"

"That's nice of you, here this round is on the house"

A week or so passes and the guy orders two beers each ...

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A man walks into a bar with a crocodile...

The barman says "You can't bring that crocodile in here, Get that fucking thing out of here, NOW!"
The man says "Watch this, he does tricks."

The man pulls out his cock and puts it in the crocodiles mouth, He has a piece of wood which he bashes the crocodile over the head with. The croco...

A piece of string walks into a bar...

And the bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve your kind”.
The piece of string walked outside, twisted himself up, and parted his hair. He went back in and the bartender said “aren’t you the same guy from before?”
“I’m a frayed knot”, said the piece of string.

Then the bartender hung him...

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A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile under his arm.

He sits on a stool, slaps the croc on the bar, and says, "I'd like a beer, please."

The bartender says, "Whoa dude. That thing is dangerous. Get it out of my bar."

The guy says, "Nah, he's perfectly harmless, watch."

He proceeds to whip out his penis and hold it in the crocod...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head.

The bar tender looks at the pirate perplexed “ Why is there a paper towel on your head?”
The pirate looks at him “ Yarg! There be a bounty on me head!”

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He call for everyone's attention, orders a beer and proceeds to put his balls in the gator's open mouth.

The gator closes its mouth, the man drinks the beer and then takes the bottle and whacks the gator on the head with it real hard. The gator opens ...

A historian, a journalist, and a political scientist walk into a bar on January 23, 1993...

[Citation Needed]

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A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of 10 dollar bills sitting on the counter.

He figures there must be thousands of dollars in that jar because it is quite large and nearly filled to the brim.

The man then approaches the bartender and inquires him about the jar of money.

The bartender tells him, "If you drop a 10 dollar bill into that jar and pass three challeng...

An Englishman, a Welshman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The Englishman wants to go so they all have to leave.

Two Alcoholics gets in a bar fight

He lost

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So I was chatting up a girl at a bar, and I told her I had a joke about my penis.

"It's really long, though", I said.

"That's ok", she said. "I have a joke about my vagina, but you'll never get it."

A spanish photon walks into a bar

The bartender says "What'll it be?"

The photon says "Una cerveza por favor."

A few minute later the bartender comes back and the beer is finished so he says "Hey buddy, want another?"

The photon replies "No mas."

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

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Guy walks into a bar and sees Hitler

So a guy walks into a bar, and sitting at the bar across from the bartender is Hitler himself. The guy walks up to him and says "Hitler, you're alive? I thought you died a long time ago?"

"Aah, that's just a conspiracy. I've been in hiding, and now I have a new plan. I'm going to kill 6 milli...

A Man Walks into a Bar

He then sees a guy lighting his cigarette. He walks over to him and notices something strange.

He asks the guy why his lighter was so big.

The guy says "My genie gave it to me."

The man then asks if he could get a wish.

"Sure", said the other guy.

So the man asks f...

A man walks into a bar

Then, he gets told that he's terrible at limbo.

2 buzzfeed writers walked into a bar

What happened next will blow your minds!

A Stark, a Lannister and a Bolton walk into a bar

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Lady Sansa?"

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3 operating systems walk into a bar

The first says "I'm Windows. The most popular, everyone likes me and I don't mess about. I'll have a pint of lager."

The second says "I'm Mac OS. I'm the favourite of artists and hipsters, and I could never settle for a boring lager like Windows. Give me your hoppiest artisanal IPA!"

T...

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

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A man walks into a bar with a Labrador.

He makes his way to the bar and orders a drink.

“I’m sorry, but we don’t allow dogs in here,” says the bartender.

“That’s my seeing-eye dog,” the man replies.

The bartender’s face instantly drops, knowing he made himself out to be a complete asshole.

“Oh God. I’m sorry. H...

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A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and see Adolf Hitler. Confuse, the man walks up to him and ask, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

To which Hitler replies, "I was but God has given me a second chance and this time I'll accomplish my goal of killing all the Jews and a politician."

Surprise the ma...

A dung beetle goes into a bar

He pulls up a stool

So girl walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre...

So he gives it to her.

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A brief history of WWII, told as a bar joke:

An Italian, a German, and an Austrian walk into a bar.

In the bar there’s an American, an Englishman, and a Frenchman, and a Japanese man.

The Frenchman starts talking smack, but when the German throws a punch he immediately surrenders and runs out of the bar.

Meanwhile the Engl...

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A man see's a sign on a bar window "Win $1,000,000 - Details inside"

Curiosity peaked, he enters the bar and asks the bartender what's required to win the million.

​

"Ah, that?" The bartender casually replied, offering a challenging smirk. "It requires the completion of 3 tasks I believe to be impossible. It brought in a lot of business when ...

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Three rednecks are drinking beer at a bar. After a few drinks they start talking about their wives.

The first redneck says, "My wife’s so damn stupid… the other day she bought a motorcycle helmet and we don’t even have a bike."

The second redneck says, "Oh yeah? Well my wife’s so stupid, she bought us a Blu-Ray player and we don’t even have a TV."

The third redneck says, "Oh yeah, we...

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Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two

"See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looki...

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

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This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

A man with authority walks into a bar..

He orders everyone a round.

2 magnets walk into a bar

The negative magnet slides over to the positive magnet and says:

Hey, I think I’m attracted to you

I was telling 'dumb blonde' jokes in a bar.

Suddenly a muscular blonde-haired man ran right at me with a sharp razor and screamed "I've had just about enough of you!" Luckily for me, I was left completely unharmed, as he couldn't find a place to plug it in.

Two strings walk into a bar...

...the bartender says, "What'll it be?". The first string says, "I'll have a gin and tonic#MV*()>SDk+!^ &@P&]JEASegmentation Fault".

The second string says, "You'll have to excuse my friend, he's not null-terminated."

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

... the first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours them 2 beers and says "you guys should know your limit".

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There are 3 racehorses sitting in a bar

Called James, Jimmy and Johnny.

James turns to Jimmy and says, "Say, last week I was in a big race and I was losing by miles! But then suddenly, I had a massive pain in my ass and it shot through my whole body and through my mouth and woah! I was in front and I won!"

Jimmy replies, "Cr...

The number 1 walks into a bar where counting is banned...

The bartender says "I'll serve you, but you better not start anything."

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

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I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a piece of ass

He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks. So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says "What the hell are you doing?" and I said "Having sex ...

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Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.

Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was shaking his head.


"What's the matter?" inquired the bartender.


"While I was in the bathroom back there, I noticed among the scribbling on the wall, and one that said: *WENDY GIVES REALLY FABULOUS HEAD - ABSOLUTELY THE GREATE...

A guy walks into a bar with three ducks

The bartender says "sir you can't bring those ducks in here" the man says "but you don't understand these are talking ducks and are very rare" the bartender doesn't believe him so the man bets him a free drink that he can prove it, the man says he will go to the bathroom and the bartender can speak ...

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