I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

At a hotel restaurant, a man sees an attractive woman sitting alone at the next table

Suddenly, she sneezes, and a glass eye comes flying out of her eye socket. It hurls by the man, and he snatches it from the air and hands it back to her.

"This is so embarrassing," the woman says, and she pops her eye back in place. "I'm sorry to have disturbed you. Let me buy dinner to make ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a sadist, a zoophile, a murderer, a necrophiliac, an arsonist and a masochist all sitting around a table in a mental institution.

Suddenly the sadist says, let's torture a cat. Then the zoophile says yeah let's torture a cat and then have sex with it. Then the murderer says, let's torture a cat, have sex with it and then kill it. The necrophiliac follows up with, let's torture a cat, have sex with it, kill it and then have sex...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family is at the dinner table.

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they ...

The most beautiful woman I've ever seen came up to my table in a restaurant and asked me if I'm single...

I happily replied,

"Yess..."


She took away the extra chair in front of me.

A teacher is trying to teach her students table manners

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a lovely young lady, how would you tell her you need to use the restroom?" asked the teacher

"Just a minute, I have to pee" answered Michael.

"That would be rude and impolite" said the teacher. "how about you, Sherman, how would you s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When I was out today, I saw a phone on the table outside a coffee shop that had been left there, so I pocketed it. It started to ring....

I took it out of my pocket and the caller I.D. said 'Mom'.

I put it back on the table and slowly backed away.

How the fuck did she know I was up to no good?

Periodic table lesson

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?


"He-He!"

​

(It's ok I know where the door is, bye)

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus asks for a table for 26.

The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

A drunk man borrows and loses his partner's prosthetic leg in a game of roulette in Las Vegas while she's asleep in their room. When she wakes up in the morning she is furious and sends him down to the tables to win it back...

..the man, now sober, is absolutely determined to make up for his sordid late night misdeed, and immediately challenges the casino to win back the prosthetic leg.

For the whole next day he is at the table, losing pile after pile of chips, thousands and thousands of dollars at a time.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 6 year old little boy was sitting at the dinner table with his family.

He had never spoken his entire life, despite years of speech-therapy and other efforts from his parents.

He starts eating his dinner, suddenly stops, and looks right at his mom.

“You burnt the fucking beans”. He said

His parents couldn’t believe their ears.

“Johnny!! Yo...

Who was the roundest Knight at King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Southern waitress asks the couple at her table...

Making small talk, the southern waitress asks the couple at her table “Where y’all from?” The lady looks at her and replies “We come from a place where we know better than to send a sentence with a preposition.”

The waitress thinks about that for a second. “Okay, where y’all from, bitch?”.

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

Who wants to hear my joke about the periodic table?

Actually Na, people won't get it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man reportedly knocked over a chess table during a tournament using his penis.

People are saying it was a real dick move.

A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion

She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table.

The husband asks: “do you know him?”

“Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since....

At an ecumenical round-table discussion, various religious leaders tried to answer the question "When does life start?"

"At conception," said the Catholic priest.

"No, no," said the Presbyterian minister. "It begins at birth."

"It’s in between," said the Baptist. "Life begins at 12 weeks when the fetus develops a functional heartbeat."

"I disagree with all of you," said the rabbi. "Life begins wh...

so my parents were pointing around the house and they said disa chair, disa table, disa fridge....

Then they pointed at me and said disappointment

Why do fat people lose so much at casino tables?

Because whenever they are out of chips they always grab more.

A Banker, a Fox News fan and a welfare recipient are at a table sharing 12 cookies...

The banker takes 11 cookies and says to the Fox News fan: "Watch out for the welfare guy, he wants your cookie!".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

McDonald's employee: Please sir, get off the table

Me: I ASKED FOR TWO LARGE FRIES \*dumping bag of fries out on the floor\* BUT INSTEAD GOT A HUNDRED FUCKING LITTLE ONES

Girls are like multiplication tables

If they're under 10 just do them in your head

Dont put your legs on the table

A teacher told Yossi "Dont put your legs on the table!"
Yossi answered "But I also put my legs on the table at home"
The teacher answers, "really? And what does your mother tell you about it?"
Yossi: "she says 'don't put your legs on the table, your are not at school'"

At the dinner table, mother shows the new lie detector she bought.

Mother: "Look, this device buzzes whenever it senses a lie"

Father: "Wow! Lets see! Hey son, what did you do today?"

Son: "Uhmm, I went to school."

*BUZZ*

Mother: "Ooh, you didn't go to class? Then what did you do?"

Son: "Alright, I watched a movie with a few frien...

A data analyst walks into a bar and sees two tables..

So he goes over to them and says; "Hey guys, can I join you?"

What do you call an Irishman who makes outdoor tables and chairs?

Patty O’furniture.

Dave walks into a bar and sees President Donald Trump and Vice-President Mike Pence at a table, deep in discussion.

He doesn’t want to interrupt, but they see him, invite him over and they soon get to talking.

“We’re on track to bomb the Middle East,” excitedly claims the President. “We’re going to reduce those towelheads to a shadow of their former numbers. We’re going to kill 3 million Syrians, 4 millio...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. “Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can’t remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?”

“You sure did,” replied his wife. “You put your hand up the skirt of your boss’s wife and told your boss to piss off.”

“Shit! What happened?”

“He sacked you.”

“Well, fuck him, the bastard.”

“I did,” replied the wife, “and you’ve got your job back.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Microsoft office just fixed tables so they don't mess your entire document up if you move it 1mm

jokes, it's still fucked

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

What's big and green, brown and fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree, it would certainly kill you?

A pool table... (A billiards table)

What's that company that sells the table's legs separately?

IK*EA*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This guy in the pub stood up on a table.

"Has anyone here been sleeping with my wife?"

There was silence in the room.

"OK...somebody speak up RIGHT NOW... if you've slept with my wife!"

There was silence in the room.

"Why are none of you fuckers talking?" he asked. "I know at least one of you has slept with my w...

What did the student say after learning all the symbols on the periodic table?

“Fluorine-Uranium-Carbon-Potassium this! Never again!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was drinking my best friend under the table.

When someone bent down and said, "Is that a fucking dog in your glass?"

A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.

He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!"

She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?"

The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Bulgarian businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing!?"

One of the Bulgarian men says, "Can't you see? Ve arrrre all verrry, verrry hoongry."

The waitress makes a stroking motion and says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??"

One of the other businessmen replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, ...

A blonde and a brunette own a cattle ranch

Their bull's gotten a bit old and his about ready for the meat processor, so they decide that the brunette will head over out to another town to buy one. The brunette explains:

"We have $1000 to get that bull, that's all. I'm going to head to town with the Corolla and try to find us one. ...

Christmas joke

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying ...

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. After having the beer, he asks the bartender for the bill. "$3", says the bartender.

The man just for fun goes on and places $1 coin on the three ends of the table. The bartender gives him a bad look but has no other option but to pick them up.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Blackjack

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.”

He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”

After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says “Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. ...

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, a pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks.

His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."

Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicks the cat.

The boy says "Will you tell him, or should I ?"

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Booked a table for me and the girlfriend this evening

It’ll end in tears, she’s shite at snooker.

Did you hear that there’s a table over there with a pile of free cocaine one it?

You better get there quick. It looks like people are already starting to form a line

For Valentine's Day, I booked the most expensive table at a restaurant that's named after the underworld.

When my girlfriend asked me where we were eating, I told her I'd reserved a special place in Hell for us.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A family sits at the dinner table.

Son: "Dad, I need to tell you something. I'm gay."

Dad: "..."

Other son: "Dad, I'm also gay."

Dad: "Isn't there anyone who likes girls anymore?

Daughter: "Yes, me."

Four Karen’s are at a table having lunch.

The waiter comes to the table...

Says ‘is anything alright here’?

So I was sitting at a table in this bar.

When this lovely young lady seated at the table across from mine sneezed, her glass eye popped out and with a bounce of the table soared into my lap. I caught it out of instinct and handed it back to her. She thanked me and headed to the restroom to put it back to it's proper place. Upon returning t...

What’s something you can say at the dinner table and in the bedroom?

Grandma put your dentures back in... sorry reddit

I'd like to congratulate the inventor of the wobbly table

He must be successful with them being in every restaurant and cafe

An Englishman is dining in a French restaurant when he notices that the Frenchman at the next table has a fly in his soup.

So he dredges up his best schoolboy French and says <<*Pardon, m'sieur, mais il y a un mouche en votre potage!*>>

The Frenchman looks, sees the fly, and says <<*Merci, m'sieur!*>> and signals for the waiter before adding helpfully, <<*mais ce n'est pas* **un** ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The family is at the dining table.

The little 10-year-old girl does not eat and has her nose in her plate….

&#x200B;

After a few moments, she says, “I’ve something to tell you people”

Silence around the table.

“I’m no longer virgin”, and she begins to cry.

A long silence again.

&#x20...

After Stalin died his comrades found two sealed envelopes on his table.

One had "Open in bad situation" written on it, the other had "Open in critical situation".

So when times got worse, new USSR leader decided to open the Bad envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper with a few words: "blame everything on me". And so the government blamed everything on Stalin...

termites on a date

Waiter: What would you like to order, sir?

Termite: Table for two.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man with a nervous stomach sits at the dinner table with his girlfriend's entire family.

The uncomfortable bloat he feels is ruining his chances of making a good impression. Despite his heroic efforts a small fart leaks out. "Spot!" the grandma scolds. Looking down the young man sees the family dog cower near the base of his chair. "Great!" the young man thinks, "I'll let out just a lit...

Three expectant mothers are sitting around a table knitting sweaters for their babies to be.

The first mother says "I'm taking folic acid, I want my baby to have a strong immune system". The other mothers nod.


The second mother says "I'm taking calcium supplements, I want my baby to have strong bones". The other mothers nod.


The third mother says "Oh, well I'm taking T...

I finally made a table out of my old car tires.

It took a good year or two.

Sir Cumference was the fattest knight at the king’s round table...

He got that way from eating too much pi

If you are a cannibal, just do not arrive late at the dinner table

or you will get the cold shoulder.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two drunks are sitting across from each other at a coffee table.

They’re rather wealthy men so they could careless about any mess. They’re drinking beer and throwing the cans on the floor and laughing as loud as they can about anything. They come to an argument. Drunk one says “the skin between your butt and your genitalia is called a taint you idiot.” Drunk numb...

What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!

Did you hear the one about the man who married his Mahogany table?

It was a monogamous mahoganous relationship where he gave his wood to only one wood.

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a 7-eleven coffee cup on the table in the break room.

I was curious, so I looked on the back of the cup. It said that the coffee beans were mountain-grown in the world's finest coffee-growing regions and were inspected for premium quality five times prior to being roasted. I snuck a sip of the coffee and thought, "Wow. That's impressive."

Becau...

A couple is dining in a restaurant when suddenly the waitress catches the man slowly sliding under the table

She sees that the woman is not bothered by this and assumes the worst...
Thinking how to approach the situation, she slowly gets to the table and quietly tells the woman:
"Ma'am, I think your husband just slid under the table for no apparent reason"
The woman turns her head and whispers...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A backpacker walks into a tavern

As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.

He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.

A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room,...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She kicked over the table, stormed out of the room and shouted that she’s never...

...playing Scrabble with me again.

My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

What does my dad and the 18th element of the periodic table have in common?

They both argon

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

My wife glared at me from across the table and said, “You weren't even listening were you!”

I couldn't help thinking "Huh. That's an odd way to start a conversation”.

A waiter walks up to a table full of Jewish women dining

And says "ladies, is anything ok?"

At the dinner table one night...

...a father asked his son how his day in school went.

"Oh, it was great, Dad! I got a part in the school play."

"Really?" said the father. "Tell me about it."

"Well, I play the part of a man who's been married 20 years."

The father said, "That's great, son. And if you ...

We went for Indian food on our first date so I tried to get conversation going at the table by ordering appetizers...

Turns out that was a naan starter

A group of seniors were sitting at a table together at Starbucks, discussing their ailments.

"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! W...

A young girl is at a club and sits down at a table next to thee guys at another table.

The three guys are talking rather energetically, and the girl hears their conversation;

First guy: "It's spelled, W.H.O.O.M....WHOOM!"

The second guy: "No, you're wrong..it's spelled W.H.U.M.E....WHUME!"

Then the third guy: : "You both don't know what you're talking about! It's ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why are pool tables green?

You’d be green too if someone was poking your balls with a stick.

What’s in common between a chair and a table?

They are both not hummus

A friend told me this joke and I almost died...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.

A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama need...

What do I do if my boss insists on paying me under the table?

I’d rather him just hand me my check standing up. It’s hard to crawl under there.

It's never a good idea to steal a periodic table

Coppers always Cu

A man walks into a bar alone and sits down at the table. It’s just him and the bartender, but out of nowhere he starts hearing these voices.

“Hey there, like your shirt!”
“Sweet tie”
“Looking good with that haircut”
“Wow you’re handsome ”

Blushing, but scared and confused, the man looks to the bartender and asks, “Okay, am I going crazy or do you hear those voices too?”

With a laugh the bartender replies, “Oh, don’...

"Doctor, everytime I play a table-top role playing game I get really distracted."

Doctor: "Sounds like you may have AD&D"

A man and his wife were having a drink when a drunk from the next table yells, “Attention please!”

And lets out a gigantic fart.

The man angrily says, “What the hell do you think you are doing? Did you know you just farted before my wife?”

The drunk says, “My apologies sir. I had no idea it was her turn.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mike Pence is at the dinner table with his family...

His son, who has been very quiet, tells him "Dad, this might come as a shock, but I think I'm gay."

Pence laughs and says "Son, you're getting it all mixed up! I'm not the one getting shocked!"

An attractive waitress approaches a table of two men and asks them what they would like to order.

“How about a quickie?” asks the one man. She immediately throws his water in his face and storms off to call the manager.

His friend leans across the table and says, “Dude, it’s pronounced “quiche””.

Hello, can I reserve a table for Pharaoh Hotepsekhemwy?

Could you spell by letters, please?


Yes, sure. A bird, two triangles, a wavy line, the sun, again a bird, a dog's head, a scarab

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

A lady went into a bar and saw a man with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.

The woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed. The man grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you"...?
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I want to make a Russian coffee table book based on sex positions using cross stitch images. I will call it...

The commie suture.

A three-legged dog walks into a bar and puts a shotgun on the table....

Barman asks, *" How can I help you?*

"I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw"

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”

“That’s very ni...