I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the backdoor."

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that everyday.

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This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.

He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her.<...

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases..."

"...In her 20's, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken tothe hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

Seeing God she asked "Is my time up? "

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.She even had someone come in and change her hair color...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole...

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

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A man is sitting alone in an airport lounge when a beautiful woman sits at the table next to him.

He decides because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'....

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was

Sir Cumference.



He acquired his size from too much pi.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

I was at a local bar last night when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed

I was at a local bar when a woman at a table a few feet away from me sneezed and her glass eye came out and I caught it.

I handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. She was a beautiful woman. Gorgeous face stunning body and a beautiful smile to boot. The woman of my dre...

On my weekends I've been inventing a machine that can distribute herbs and spices to any place at my dining table.

It's not much, but it passes the thyme.

How do you get out of a room with no door, no windows and only a table and a mirror?

You look in the mirror, you see what you saw. You take the saw and saw the table in half. Two half's make a whole. You jump out the whole. (You can thank my dad for that one. I miss him everyday)

What did the guy at the restaurant say to the bubble gum he found stuck under the table?

I have a bad feeling about this, Chewy.

Why did the pool table chicken out?

I guess I can say he didn’t have the balls

A waiter walks up to a table of Karen's and asks

Ladies, is anything ok?

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A husband and wife are at the table eating dinner.

The husband asks the wife, “Would you wear shoes if you didn’t have any feet?”

The wife, surprised by this weird question replied, “No, obviously not.”

The husband, expecting this answer from his wife cunningly asks, “Then why the fuck do you wear a bra?”

3 Warsaw Pact generals are sitting around a table..

discussing military rations for their armies.

The East German General says "For a East German soldier he needs 2500 calories a day to be combat fit for battle!"
The Soviet General scoffs and says "Pfft for Soviet soldier to be combat fit he only needs 2200 calories a day!"
The Polis...

My boyfriend slammed me onto the table and banged me all day long

Life as a keyboard is good.

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A waitress, on her last day, decides to walk to each of her tables and lift up her skirt to proudly proclaim,

"Super Pussy!". She continues to do this over and over to the horror of her customers, until she reaches a table which sat an elderly man. She approaches him and lifts up her skirt and, again, proclaims, "Super Pussy!" and awaits his reaction. The old man looks at her, then her pussy, then back at h...

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope.

The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 o...

What does Mr Krabs have to do with the periodic table?

Agagagagagagag

My 7/yo sister said this at the dinner table while me and my dad were talking: What did one paper say to the other?

Nothing. Paper doesn't talk. That's how I want you to be. Like paper.

What did Gold say to the periodic table?

Hey you!

Why did no one laugh when queen farted at the dinner table?

Because noble gasses cause no reaction

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

What do breads do at the dinner table?

Toast

I walked past a woman in the club who was dancing on the table.

She was at least 300lb.

I said "those are some strong legs!"

She smiled and said "Thanks!"

I said "I was talking about the table."

My girlfriend and I played footsie at the family table and I climaxed.

Turns out it was her grandmother. Guess I got off on the wrong foot.

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"The first thing you should know about working in a mortuary," the teacher said as he removed his latex glove and inserted a finger right up the ass of the body on the table, "You can't be squeamish." He then stuck his finger in his mouth.

The students grimaced as he motioned for them to line up and do the same. 

When the last student had stuck their finger- right up to the knuckle, the teacher insisted- and stuck the finger in their mouth, the teacher said- "The second thing you should know about working in a mortuary is atten...

My wife and I were sitting at a table

‪ at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear...

What happens when your dinner table catches the coronavirus?

It turns into a coughy table.

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How the tables have turned!

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns, and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the girl to the bed and he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into t...

I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

As a tennis ball falls off a table, a golf ball shouts a question, "Are you going to be ok?"

The tennis ball replies, "Of course. I'll bounce back."

Guest to the waiter: “Can you bring me what the lady at the next table is having?”

Waiter: “Sorry, sir, but I’m pretty sure she wants to eat it herself.”

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I was at a bar and I went up to the bartender and bet him $100 I could piss into the cup without spilling a drop on the table.

So he agreed and I ended up pissing all over the bar table. He called me a sucker and he asked me, "how could you even think you'd win the bet? You stupid?"
Then I told him, "I bet my friend a $1000 that I could piss all over your bar table."

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As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned into butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

My ex-girlfriend got paid under the table for her work filming "creampie" adult videos. So I alerted the IRS.

They nailed her for unreported in-come.

Have you heard the joke about the periodic table?

It’s Oxygen Potassium.

Joseph knew how to build a proper table; he was a carpenter, after all.

Mary had a harder time, so she had Emmanuel.

A pirate walks into a bar and sees a civil rights activist, a communist, and a dog sitting around a table.

The pirate says, “It’s my lucky day. X. Marx. The Spot.”

Two Karens are out having dinner

The waiter stopped by their table and said "is anything ok?"

What is a pirate's favourite element on the periodic table?

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgon

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What's the difference between a man praying in a church and a man praying at a blackjack table?

The motherfucker at the blackjack table means it.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

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After several dates, my girlfriend wanted me to meet her parents, so they invited me over for dinner. It did not go well...

During the meal, somebody started playing footsies with me under the table, then gradually moved up and kept rubbing until I came. Later, I told my girlfriend how much I had enjoyed the sexy play during dinner. She got so mad and said that it wasn't her. I guess I got off on the wrong foot.

Two dudes at a table.

Dude 1: Hey Bro.
Dude 2: What's up Bro?
Dude 1: Can you hand me that pamphlet bro?
Dude 2: Brochure.

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A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...

"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.

"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.

Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."

"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstoo...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo....

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I came home to find candle light in my dining table,my favourite meatloaf in the oven and my wife dressed up in lingerie

She came close to me and whispered " I shaved my vagina . Do you know what that means ?"

"Oh fuck , you clogged the drains again! Where is the plunger? "

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3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.

A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table.

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway...

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

What's a weeb's favorite element on the periodic table?

Manganese

Samuel L. Jackson was sitting at the breakfast table with his wife and 10 month old son...

His toddler starts to make some noises then very clearly says, "mother".

Sam excitedly yells, "Oh my God, honey, he just said half a word!"

There are two plates of cheese on the table, one of which belongs to you and one of which belongs to your friend. He offers you the cheddar. Should you take it?

Yes, because the other plate is nacho cheese!

A guy and a girl are going to prom together.

She wants a new dress, so they spend time shopping for the dress and he stands in line for the checkout for a very long time, but eventually makes it to the counter to buy the dress for her.

She also asks for a corsage, so the guy goes to the floral shop to buy her a corsage. The line is ver...

Eminem is that guy in chemistry class that raps the whole periodic table.

But skips Oxygen.

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A man died and was sent to hell. The devil was feeling generous and gave him three choices.

The devil took him to the first room.

The room was empty except for a pool of scalding hot water. The man saw George Bush, jump into the pool, climb out and jump back in again.
The devil said "That's his punishment. He has to jump into the pool for eternity. If you pick this room, you ta...

Embarrassing Situation

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "...

A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

"Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring or normal pet - no cats, dogs, or birds - I want something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?," the main replied, "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is $50. Happy with the u...

Why was Kylo Ren so angry when the table next to him received their food ?

Because he was the First Order

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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the...

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Just booked a table for me and the missus for Valentines Day knowing this is going to end in tears....

She’s shit at snooker

What's green and fuzzy and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?

A pool table.

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I was at a bar last night and saw this MILF sitting at a table drinking by herself. I walked up to her and said, "Your ass is like the State of the Union Address."...

I'm gonna tear that shit up later.

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A guy tries to impress his date with his knowledge of wine.

He tells the wine steward to bring a bottle of 1985 Sterling Cabernet Sauvignon from the Carneros district.

After tasting it, the young man berates the steward. “This is a 1992 vintage from the Diamond Creek vineyard in the Mayacamas range. Please bring me what I ordered.”

Watching fr...

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From farm to table...

John visited his 90-year-old grandpa who lived way out in the country. On the first morning of the visit, John’s grandpa prepared a breakfast of bacon and eggs. John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and asked, “Are these plates clean?”

His grandpa replied, “They’re as clean as cold...

Why didn't King Arthur use the square table?

Because that table wasn't a-round.

A man walked into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him

As he sat down, the waitress came over and asked for their orders. The man said, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Then he turned to the ostrich and asked, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," said the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returned with the order saying, "That will ...

Three men sat around a table in a bar and talked about their wives.

The first man says, "I think my wife is having an affair with an electrician. When I got home last night I found a pair of pliers and some insulating tape behind the radiator in the bedroom - we've not had any work done on the house, and I can't think of any other way they could have got there".
...

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Bull Testicles (this isn't necessarily NSFW but it's not for people who get grossed out easily so you've been warned)

My dad told me this a few years back

A tourist in Spain is in a restaurant near a bullfighting arena right after a bullfight.
There's a table nearby where a guy is eating a dish with two big balls in it and all around the table people are making merry.
The tourist got curious and asked ...

I went to Home Depot and a guy walked up and asked,

"Can I help you with anything?" I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw." He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?" and I said, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."

There are 2 Scouse men sat at a table

Man 1: ‘There has been a fire at Tesco’s!’

Man 2: ‘Has there?!’

Man 1: ‘No, Tesco’s!’

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help....

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3 dogs are at the vet. They ask the chihuahua what he’s there for...

“I’m a biter. I bite kids. I bite my mom. I bite the TV cords. I bite anything. The last straw was when I bit my owners kid. I have to get anxiety medication.”

They then ask the blue heeler what he’s in for

“I’m a pooper. I poop in the kitchen. I poop in the road on walks. I pooped on ...

Say what you want about waiters

But I think they bring a lot to the table

An older couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband

"Just think, honey, we've been married for 60 years.?"


"Yes," he replies. "Sixty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."


"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
<...

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NSFW A man walks into a bar with a crocodile

Everyone jumps out of there chairs and spills there drinks in shock.The man proceeds to take a seat when the bartender walks up to him and says "Sir,you aren't allowed to bring a dangerous animal in here".

The man says to the bartender "Oh don't worry about him,he isn't dangerous,here let me ...

What did the pepper say to the table salt?

Why you Sodium fine?

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.

As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

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Three kids come to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.

The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fucking French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, spanks him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fucking French toast for me," he says. She is liv...

A pickle walks into a casino and sits down at a card table

He says “Dill me in”

A waiter brings dinner to the table

The patron remarks, "Why is your thumb on my steak?"

"I didn't want it to fall on the floor again!"

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table.

I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

A blind man walks into a bar

Then a chair

Then a table

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A guy walks in to a brothel and puts $1000 down on the table. He then says to the madame "I want your ugliest girl and macaroni and cheese."

The madame replies "for that kind of money, you can have one of our finest girls and a three course gourmet meal." The guy replies "Sorry honey, I'm not horny, just home sick."

A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner.

The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"

The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top, too!"

Your duck is dead...

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

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The Waiter and the Spoon

A married couple decides to brave Covid and eat out for their anniversary at a fancy restaurant. They’ve been ordering Grubhub for months and are excited to support a local business in person. They order soup, but as it arrives, the man accidentally knock his spoon onto the floor with his elbow. To ...

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

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An eighty-five year old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash and went to the Pearly Gates.

They had been in good health for the last ten years, mainly as a result of the wife's interest in healthy diets and exercise.

St. Peter welcomed them into Heaven and took them to their small palace in heaven- complete with a large bedroom, Jacuzzi, full kitchen, and billiards table. "How much...

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this, I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

I proposed my russian girlfriend and she said yes

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
...

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

Little Johnny strikes again.

So Johnny tells Mom.
“I was at the Playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.
I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Dadd...

A businessman, an immigrant, and a White American worker are sitting at a table with 100 cookies

The business man eats 99 of the cookies and then slides the last one across the table towards the immigrant. Then he looks at the white American and says, "that immigrant is going to eat your cookie!"

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table, so he went to Merlin for some advice...

The good wizard showed him his latest invention.

It was a chastity belt...except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed. "Look at this opening! How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen!?"

"Ah, sire, just...

I was drilling a hole on my table..

It was boring.

My friend drew a giant periodic table and tripped on number 10

He's fine, but he could have hurt his Neon that

Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table.

One more asked to join. One of them said, “Sorry there is not mushroom”

Thought I won an argument with my wife about how to rearrange our furniture.....

But when I got home, the tables were turned

Table manners...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
'Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to ...

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

There was a young man weeping

The man was sitting at a library table

A young lady approached him and asked what was wrong

He replied “It’s complicated”

And showed his calculus homework

There was an election amongst the elements of the periodic table and Iron voted for Zinc...

... because Zinc was able to galvanize Iron.

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons...

“My Freddie,” said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers, he’s constantly bringing me out to restaurants to eat, if I so much as hint that I want something the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”


“That’s ver...

I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: "Enjoying your meat, murderer?!"

Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.

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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking

and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful..

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?" The waiter replied, "Ah Senor, you have exc...

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A guy walks into a bar, and sees a jar full of money sitting on the table.

Puzzled, he looks at the bartender before ordering a drink.

“Shit, is this the tip jar for today?”

The bartender, cleaning a glass, shakes his head before looking up at the man.

“No, that’s our prize money.”

“Prize money?” The man asked. “What competition did this bar com...

Three relational databases walk into a NoSql bar. They left after 5 mins....

They couldn't find a table!

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So there's a deaf accountant who works for the mafia.

One day, the kingpin mafioso is checking out the books and notices there's a million dollars missing. He calls a meeting with the deaf accountant and a sign language translator.

"Ok, there's a million dollars missing, where is it?" asks the kingpin. Translator says, "There's a million dollars...

A man wakes up after a night of drinking to see a single red rose on his bedside table.

Beside the rose is a glass of water, two Advil, and a note from his wife. The note says, "Hi honey, the pills are for your headache. When you're ready, come down to the kitchen and I'll fix your favorite breakfast. Love you!"

He also notices that he is still in the clothes he was wearing la...

Two termites walk in to a bar

And say table for two please

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I once attended a 50s music themed table tennis festival in a far east country, hosted by an Asian dictator where all the participants were dressed as famous movie gorillas...

It was Kim Jongs Honk Kong Honky Tonk King Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong

I'll see myself out.

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A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table.

As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an effici...

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

women are like tables

they don't talk to me

Wife wakes up in middle of night and husband is not in bed.

So she goes downstairs to find him sitting at the kitchen table crying.

She asked him what is wrong.

He says do you remember that moment ten years ago when your dad caught us in the back seat of his police car and told me that I was gonna marry you or he would make sure I did ten year...

An Asian, an American, and a European walk into a bar.

They sit down at the table, and decide to hit up some drinks.



American: I'll have a Coke! I don't want to get drunk.



European: I'll have a watery rum! I'll stay up for the drive.



Asian: I'll have 3 bottles beer, and a side of whiskey!




T...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Sam looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Lester, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't...

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

Husband's 19 year old secretary

A woman finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning.

"My dear wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter I hope that y...

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