On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration...

"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness --and a great many other qualities you wouldn't...

I was invited to a banquet in Germany, but all they served was sausage and cheese.

And that felt like the wurst käse scenario...

I was so late to the cannibal banquet

They just gave me a cold shoulder

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are at a banquet at the white house.

A guest notices they are giggling with each other so he gets curious and goes to speak with them.

"What is so funny over here?" Trump replies: " We're planning WWIII"

"WOW, and what exactly are your plans?"

...

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Three tourists are hiking through a massive jungle when suddenly a group of tribesmen pounce on them.

The tourists are surrounded by the tribe who all wield spears or clubs.

The tribe leader comes forth to them and says:
"We have caught you trespassing on our land. You'll be killed but it is tradition in our tribe to give you one final wish which we will fulfill to our greatest extent."...

I recently went to a charity banquet.

All of the servers were dwarves, which I thought was cool. Overall the food was great, but they were short staffed.

The banquet manager was walking by holding a hot bowl of soup...

She said "hot stuff coming through"

I responded "oh? What are you carrying then?"

Hillary, Donald Trump, and Barack Obama were waiting in the green room before a banquet with the movers and shakers of DC...

Suddenly a heavenly chorus of angels sang, and God appeared to the trio.

In a booming voice God said, “Each of you may ask one question, and I will answer it.”

Obama asked, “Will there ever be another black president?”

God replied, “Yes. But not during your lifetime.”

Tru...

What did Napoleon say when he arrived at the banquet?

Bon, a partay!

I was the comedic host at a banquet for sword swallowers when a food fight broke out...

I killed!

They are serving "Trump Soup" at the inauguration banquet

Stewed Orange and Chickpea

There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops

There's a banquet filled with Catholic Bishops. One of the waiters goes up to the Bishop and asks him how to become a Priest.

The Bishop tells him about the vows of poverty.

The waiter says 'if this is your idea of poverty I'd love to see your idea of chastity. :

A priest told me this joke as a kid.

There were 3 men, they were best friends, and they were quite unhealthy. Their names were, Bert, Chester, and Earl.

They were actually really unhealthy and Bert decided that he needed to take charge of him and his friends' health. He decided that they were going to be on a diet together to he...

A man goes to the comedian's banquet . . .

A man goes to the local comedian's annual banquet with a friend who is a professional comic. The dinner begins and pretty soon a man rises to his feet, gets everyone's attention and says "32."
The room erupts in laughter and the man sits back down. A while later, another comic rises at anothe...

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Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich maneuver, was getting frustrated.

Everywhere he went, people pretended they were choking to see what he would do. One day, he visited England. During a banquet with the royal family, the Queen grabbed her throat and bent over. Heimlich ignored her, and she confessed that she was faking. Later, he passed a prince on the street, and t...

A woman arrives to the gates of heaven

While she was waiting for God to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her -- "Hello" "How are you! We've been wai...

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One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
...

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A joke my dad, who is Polish, tells me all the time so I'm convinced it must be real funny

It is the cold war and there is a global military convention where each military boasts how their army is the best. After a long day of watching each country's army marching with their strongest and most masculine men, the generals sit down in the banquet hall. An American, German, and Soviet genera...

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Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

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A priest dies and stands in front of God.

A priest dies and stands in front of God.

God looks at the priest's ledger of good and evil and smiles after finishing it. Looking up at the priest, God says "I'm satisfied with how you've lived and how you've spent your life. I give you the option to choose — Hell or heaven?"

The prie...

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The potato joke

A man has just married and he is having trouble pleasuring his wife.

He goes to his doctor and he explains that he is having these issues.

The doctor says that he heard the plastic surgery place is experimenting with something new.

The man goes to the plastic surgery place an...

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
...

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3 men go to hell and Satan appears before them...

Satan says,"You boys have caught me in a good mood! I'm going to give you whatever you ask for. What would you like sir?"

Man number one steps up and says to Satan, "All I want is women."

Satan claps his hands, and a door appears which opens to reveal the most beautiful women the 7 C...

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A lady just wants to take a bath.

Here’s an original one.


A woman, let’s go with Penny., was preparing to go to a banquet in two hours. She goes to to take a bath. She prepares a clean dry, takes off her clothes and throws them into the dirty hamper. Just as she was about to step foot into the bath, she hears a knock at ...

When he was 16 Sam felt the Lord calling him so he joined the local monastery.

He took the vows of celibacy, poverty, and obedience. For the next 50 years his job was to make bibles, printing them and binding them by hand. After 50 years of devotion he was ready to retire so the head monk organized a diner for Sam the next evening.

As they talked about the diner the ...

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Blonde Research Study

An American research firm is tasked with conducting a study to determine if blonde women truly are less intelligent than everyone else. To do this, they host a convention for blonde women at an airport Hilton. At the orientation meeting, the chief researcher greets the crowd in a large banquet room....

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The best sword joke of all time [Long]

The Emperor of Japan was hosting a banquet and invited the best swordsmen from all over the country.

A geisha approaches a man rumored to be the third best swordsman in Japan, and asks him for a demonstration of his skill. He draws his sword and with a single slash, cuts a fly out of the air....

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Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says "You get to choose which place you want to go to. I'll show you each place today and you can sleep on it and decide tomorrow." So he takes them to heaven and everybody's sitting on gold jeweled thrones playing harps and singing Go...

Two brooms got married...

So these two brooms had just gotten married, and they're sitting at the wedding party's table in the banquet hall enjoying dinner. The bride-broom leans over to the groom-broom and says, "You know...I was going to wait until our honey-broom to tell you this but... well... let me just ask you this: ...

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