My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Give a man a fish and you’ll feed him for a day.

Poison that fish and you’ll have fed him for the rest of his life.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

What do you feed a dog with fever?

Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

I'm fed up with women that breast feed in public

they're never smiling in their picture

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Bite his ankles.

~ My Chihuahua

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

My mom used to feed me by saying: “Here comes the train!” I always ate everything.

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

If you ever want to cause an ant to have a psychedelic trip, feed it Tums

Because it’s antacid.

What do you get when you feed a cow marijuana?

High steaks.

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless

to bears.

Why is it prohibited to feed eagles in several countries?

Because it would be ill-eagle

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.



Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

I feed and clothe a child in Africa for 30 cents a day.

Ofcourse that's nothing compared to what it cost to send him there

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

I was at the zoo the other day and saw a sign that said, "Do not feed the animals."

Naturally, I obeyed the sign. So they fired me.

What do you feed a female horse after dark?

Nightmare fuel

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids

But get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

What do you call an Iraqi guy who sells bags to feed his children?

A bagdad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pavlov is sitting in a bar when the phone rings.

All of a sudden he jumps up and yells: "Shit! I forgot to feed the dogs!"

I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

My horse keeps getting aroused whenever I try and feed him

Maybe I should stop feeding him 50 shades of hay

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

Farmers these days need to feed their cows marijuana to create a better tasting steak than their competitors

It seems these days the steaks could never be higher.

My girlfriend just asked me if I could wind the baby because he was messing about during a feed.

I thought it was a bit harsh, so I just gave him a dead leg instead.

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

You should always feed your dog well,

You don't want a bad yelp review.

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty

Why couldn’t Bach afford to feed his family?

Because he was Baroque

What did Buckwheat from Little Rascals feed his horse?

Oat Hay!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

In Soviet Russia, Chicken feed, YOU!

One day, a farmer receives a knock on the door. He opens up and it's the KGB.

Man: Good morning, sirs.

KGB: utro sobirayetsya sosat'

Man: How can I help you, comrades?

KGB: We would like to know what you feed your chickens.

Man: Of course, comrades, I feed my chick...

What's the difference between a philosophy degree and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

Hannibal Lector crashed my dinner party and rudely demanded that I feed him!

I gave him a piece of my mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you feed a woman to stop her from having sex?

Wedding cake

I said to my mate, "I think we should feed my wife herbicide."

He said, "weed killer?" "My point exactly," I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pet store owner feed his snakes viagra when they were stuck crawling backwards?

He thought they were suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

What's yellow and feeds on dead beatles?

Yoko Ono

My Mom Tried To Force Feed Me Alphabet Soup, Saying “I Loved It”

I Hate It When People Put Words In My Mouth

I developed a game where you feed avocados to small subterranean mammals!

It's called Guacamole!

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

I couldn’t figure out why my Twitter feed only showed videos of Ex vice presidents dancing.

Turns out it’s just the Al gore rhythm

One evening an old farmer went down to the pond...

One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. H...

Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

Me

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

What do Dutch farmers feed their sheep?

Holland oats

My name is Zane, and my girl told me goodbye today.. All I did was ask her to feed the cat

She said, "I'll feed her, Zane."

I would rather my boss scroll through my reddit feed than my girlfriend

But then again. The reason I'm on reddit is because I'm single and unemployed

Buzz feed steal so much content they should rename themselves

The Appropriated Press

I just saw a "Breaking News" link from Fox News come across my Facebook feed

Fully thought it was their new slogan

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