My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then what do you feed a vampire?

A stake.

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says

"use the forks luke"

Give a man a fish you'll feed him for a day

Teach a man to fish and he'll spend thousands of dollars on equipment and go once a year

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What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

Two bats are going for their midnight feed

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the se...

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Or even better: don't bite hands.

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

I asked my mom if I could try to breast feed one more time.

It was a trip down mammary lane.

its stupid to say you're going to feed the hungry

who else would you feed

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What does a therapist feed a cannibal?

Piece of mind

My kids just read this on a popsicle stick. What do you feed a disapearing cat?

Evaporated milk

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

What do you feed a baby parabola?

Quadratic Formula

What the difference between Pizza and Musician?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

Breast feeding in public.

My only problem with women breast feeding in public.


They never wink back.

I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his...

What should you feed a ghost to make them happy?

Goulash

I lost my job at the zoo recently.

There was a sign that said do not feed the animals. So I didn't.

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

I want to start a bird feeding company.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

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Pavlov walks into a hotel.

He rings the bell button on the reception desk and exclaims, "I forgot to feed my dogs".

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter..

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

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She said she was stripping to feed her kids.

Yet she got pissed at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

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A new farmer from the city

He's given up on city life and dropped everything and bough 20 acres in the country.

The problem is he doesn't know anything about farming. So he goes to the feed store to ask some friendly farmers for some help in the right direction.

Luckily an old farmer there is happy to see youn...

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Atilla and his Anaconda

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.



But his snake lost ...

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

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3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile?

Very carefully.

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?

A little goes a long way

How do you know if a baby is Italian?

Only feeds on hairy nipples

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

How do terrorists feed their kids?

"Vrroooom here comes the plane." "Vrroooom here comes the second plane."

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

A mom is breastfeeding her baby twins.

One day, one of the twins realized that there is more milk coming from the breast where his twin sibling is feeding on. Because of extreme jealousy, he put poison on that specific breast while everyone is asleep.

The next day, the twins' uncle died.

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

What do you feed an angry person?

Chili.

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

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I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

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I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."



She said, "It's natural."



"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

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A translated joke

A man approaches a pig farmer and asks him what he feeds his pigs.

The farmer answers: "Oh the pigs? I just feed them whatever trash I have lying around".

The man is shocked, he says "Sir that is animal cruelty! I'll have to fine you 10000$!"

The next day another man approaches ...

A man gets on a bus and sits next to a lady with a child ..

The mother is trying to get her fussy son to breastfeed, she finally gets frustrated and tells the baby, "You better take to the milk, or I'll give it to this man sitting here..."

She tries a few more minutes, the baby is still just very fussy, she tells the baby again, "You need to start soo...

What's the difference between a politician and a blobfish.

Ones a bottom-feeding monster and the others a fish

What's the difference between two full time employees in America and a lasagne?

A Lasagne can feed a family of four.

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

If you have someone in your house with Coronavirus, feed them pizza and saucers of milk.

It’s the only stuff that you can push under the door.

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

What do AC/DC feed their horses?

HAY HAY HAY HAYYY!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gopal Bhaar and the best feeling

Gopal bhaar was a witty man, called on a lot by the king.
On a hot summers day, the Maharaja calls on his trusted advisors and ask them what the best feeling in the world is.

A lot of feelings go into the pool, happiness, orgasms, seeing your child being born, and so on.

When it co...

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little ways up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happened?" James queries.
...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

One day, a zookeeper is walking around the zoo when he sees a man throwing $20 bills into all the exhibits he passes.

"Why are you throwing money into those cages?" asks the zookeeper.

"Because that sign says it's okay," says the man, pointing to a sign.

The zookeeper looks up at the sign. It says, "Do not feed animals. $20 fine."

I have a child in Africa that I feed

That I clothe

that I educate

That I inoculate

All for $5 a day


Which is a lot less than it cost to send him there

My News feed is filled with stories about the Coronavirus.

I guess you could say it's gone viral.

What does Bloomberg feed his cat?

Stop and Friskies

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

Preparations for parenthood - dressing and feeding.

New parents: feeding and dressing your toddler is not as easy a skill as it looks. It takes a lot of practice, so here are a couple tips to get you started.

To practice dressing a small child, first you need to get a string bag (like the kind you carry soccer balls). Then go to ...

What do you feed the son of god?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

a lathered-up mob ...

a mob gathered outside the soapmaker's cottage accusing, "those barrels in your cellar, we know what they are, we know what you've been up to - those barrels contain fats rendered from our missing townsfolk you've been murdering all these years!"  

the soapmaker protested, "those are lyes, th...

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

What do you feed a dog with fever?

Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

I watched a documentary on the feeding behaviors and biology of cattle...

"Graze Anatomy"

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