I got a kid in Africa who I feed, clothe, school, and vaccinate for less than $1/day.

That is nothing compared to what it cost me to send him there.

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I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."



She said, "It's natural."



"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

Give a man a fish and you'll feed him for a day

Give a man a head of romaine lettuce and you'll feed him for the rest of his life

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Bite his ankles.

~ My Chihuahua

As a farmer, I started feeding my cows marijuana.

But, I had to sell them because the steaks were too high.

My microwave will like anything I feed it.

I give it expired food and it’ll still say MMMMMMMMMM.

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

How much cake do you feed a snake?

Only a slither

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I tried to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi.”

Whenever my mom used to feed me, she’d always say “here comes the Choo-Choo Train!!!”

And I had to eat otherwise she wouldn’t untie me from the tracks

What do you feed a dog with fever?

Mustard. Works well with hot dogs.

Courtesy of an 8 year old I babysit

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels

A man was arrested today for feeding the squirrels in the park.


He was feeding them to his dog.

A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop...

to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. H...

I'm fed up with women that breast feed in public

they're never smiling in their picture

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

If you ever want to cause an ant to have a psychedelic trip, feed it Tums

Because it’s antacid.

We live in such an uncaring society. The other day I was in the park watching an old man feed the birds

After a while I thought to myself: “I wonder how long he’s been dead?”

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno.

But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake o...

How do you feed a zombie that your really disagree with?

You give it a piece of your mind...

This year my News Year’s resolution was to solve world hunger. My first step is to feed all the homeless

to bears.

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

Man I’ve really had it with Ebay

I’ve had it with eBay! Every time I order chicken pellets they email me asking for their feed back!

A rich man was driving in his Cadillac when he sees a poor man eating grass on a hill

“What are you doing” - Says the rich man.

“I have 3 days without food for me and my family, so the grass on this hill is our last resource”

“Daaaammmm, say no more, get in” -Says the rich man, exited.

“Ohhh, thank you very much. Do you mind if I tell to my wife and 2 kids about...

Man enters zoo enclosure to feed the tigers...

Succeeds

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.

After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

Why is it prohibited to feed eagles in several countries?

Because it would be ill-eagle

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

How do you kill a zombie?

Feed it vegetarians until it dies of malnutrition.

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. B...

Theodore was feeding geese when his friend David walked by

Say there, Theodore, what are you doing?"

"Why, I'm feeding these here geese, David."

"I can see that, but why do you keep staring at the bread crumbs?"

"Well, David, what's good for a goose is good for a gander."

What's the difference between a Pizza and a Lib-arts degree?

A pizza is able to feed an entire family.

My brother was arrested for feeding pigeons at the zoo.

He was feeding them to the lions.

Give a robot a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a robot to fish, feed him for a lifetime.



Teach a robot to teach other robots to fish, you're out of a job.

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

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Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

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Today I see a blind gentleman and his seeing eye dog waiting at traffic light to cross the road

When the light turns green, the dog doesn't bring its human to cross the road, but starts peeing at the leg of the gentleman. Instead of punishing the dog, the gentleman takes out a treat to feed the dog.

I approach them and say: Excuse me sir. You are the most patient and kind owner I have ...

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad.

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really sick. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says, "I have some bad news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS" the man asks.
"It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis," says the doctor.
"Oh my God," say...

What do you call an Iraqi guy who sells bags to feed his children?

A bagdad

“Julie,” her mother asked, “why are you feeding birdseed to the cat?”

“Because,” Julie answered, “that’s where my canary is.”

I went to a museum to feed the animals...

...but they were all stuffed.

An Irishman and his son went to the zoo...

A sign says, “Feed the elephant a bun to get your age”

The little boy gives the elephant a bun and it stomps it’s foot 6 times.

“Wow” says the boy, “That’s right I am 6, you have a go dad!”

The Irish chap gives the elephant a bun...

A moment later the elephant farts and ...

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I didn't know that I have baby cannibals in my basement.

Until I stopped feeding them.

A Scottish farmer is sitting on his front porch one day, resting after finishing his tasks with his dog at his feet.

A man in a suit approaches the farmer, greets him warmly, and the farmer greets him in turn. The man notices the dog lying at the farmer's feet and smiles at the pooch.

"Can I talk to your dog?" The man asks. The farmer gives him an odd look but shrugs.

"Dog don't talk, but whatever...

Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

A Cowboy Walks Into a Saloon, Naked . . .

. . . except for his boots.

“Where your clothes at, Slim?”

“Back at the barn. I was feeding the horses when a beautiful blonde drove up. She says, ‘I wanna show you something in the barn. Follow me.’

So I followed her. She says, ‘Take off all your clothes.’ So I do. Then she tak...

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Pavlov is drinking at a bar...

Pavlov is drinking at a bar when suddenly the phone rings. "Oh shit," he exclaims, "I forgot to feed the dogs!"

I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows marijuana so they would be happier and produce more offspring.

I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.

I was at the zoo the other day and saw a sign that said, "Do not feed the animals."

Naturally, I obeyed the sign. So they fired me.

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

Mother's are the best

I have always been extremely cared for by my mother. She would do so much for me like bathing me, feeding me, buying me stuff, supporting me. Honestly if I didnt have a mother I would want to just die. That's why I make it my mission to speak to people on how great their mothers are to raise awarene...

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Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

What do you feed a female horse after dark?

Nightmare fuel

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

Good cop/bad cop

Good cop: "You want coffee?"

Bad cop: "Where did you hide the money?"

Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: "Answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are."

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The black cow and the white cow

A curious guy sees a farmer tending to two cows in his field.

Guy: Hey, what do you feed those cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?
Guy: The white one.
Farmer: Grass.
Guy: How about the black one?
Farmer: Grass.

Guy: Where do they sleep?
Farmer: The white one...

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

I went out partying and drinking last night, and I forgot to feed my pet rabbit.

I really let my hare down.

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Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids

But get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

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A few puns I thought of while trying not to get out of bed

What did the Alabama sister say to her sibling?

"Cum at me bro".



\-

Why did the wild fowl sneak into the girls washroom?

He was a peeking duck



\-

What did the fruit farmer say when asked about his crops?

"It's bananas"



\...

My neighbours went on holiday, and they've given me a spare key so I could feed their dog.

I'm not sure, though. I've never seen a dog eat a spare key before.

A man driving down a freeway road at 55 MPH.

He looks out the window and sees a chicken running along side his car. He speeds up to 65 and the chicken is keeping pace with him. He notices that the chicken seems to have multiple legs but before he can confirm it the chicken takes a hard left turn down a dirt road. Intrigued he turns around and ...

Feeding the family

The kids asked for dog this Christmas. Normally we serve Lamb, but this time of year is all about the kids.

Farmers these days need to feed their cows marijuana to create a better tasting steak than their competitors

It seems these days the steaks could never be higher.

What did Buckwheat from Little Rascals feed his horse?

Oat Hay!

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

If zombies eat humans...

Does that mean they bite the hand that feeds them?

Hollywood is making The Feeding of the 5000 based on Jesus' miracle.

In France it's going to be called The Poisson of the Christ.

You should always feed your dog well,

You don't want a bad yelp review.

A bloke's sitting on the bus when a gorgeous woman next to him starts breasfeeding her baby.

The baby won't take it so she says "Come on, eat it all up or I'll give it this nice man here".

Ten minutes later, the baby is still not feeding so she says again "Eat it all up or I'll give it to this nice man here"


The bloke says "Listen love, can you make you're bloody mind up,...

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

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What do you feed a woman to stop her from having sex?

Wedding cake

"Hey Bud, why don't you use condoms?"

"My pull out game is superb. Condoms are also expensive, gotta pinch pennies when you have 14 kids to feed."

Give a dog a bone and you feed him for a day

Teach a dog to bone and you go to jail for animal cruelty

Why couldn’t Bach afford to feed his family?

Because he was Baroque

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

My friend only feeds the highest quality drugs to their animals.

I told them to get off their high horse.

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How the Germans bailed out Greece

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.



Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.



On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel...

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What do you call it when a tornado hit's a cattle feed lot?

A shit storm.

Why did the French people at the feeding of the 5000 sympathise with Jesus?

Because they shared his pain.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A local news station interviews a farmer about a farmer's daily life.

Interviewer: So, Mister, where do you wash your cows?
Farmer: The white one or the black one?

The interviewer wonders what the farmer means and goes along with it.

Interviewer: Umm... the white one.
Farmer: I wash her by the river.
Interviewer: What about the black one? ...

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