What do you feed a vegan vampire?

A blood orange!

There's a new company that's planning to feed cows a diet of cannabis mixed in with their food.

They claim that the relaxed cattle produce more milk, and tender meat. The issue is that the legal costs of this are through the roof, and even the best estimates are that they won't turn a profit until 2034. The steaks have never been higher.

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.

Give him a POISONED fish, and you feed him for his lifetime.

"Hey, can I try feeding your snake?"

"Sure. His bread is in the pantry."

"Your snake eats... Bread?"

"My anaconda don't want none, unless you got buns, hun."

My friend gets crickets when he needs to feed his pet scorpion. Do you know when I get crickets?

Every time I tell a joke.

Give a Man a Fish and You Will Feed Him for a Day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year.

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What do you feed a woman to stop her from giving blowjobs?

Wedding cake

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery...

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound w...

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

If the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, then what do you feed a vampire?

A stake.

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan are out at a Chinese restaurant and Luke is really battling trying to use the chopsticks to feed his face. After a while Obi Wan turns to him and says

"use the forks luke"

Two bats are going for their midnight feed

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the se...

Today I saw an old man feeding the birds.

He must have been dead three hours at least.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Or even better: don't bite hands.

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Keepers at a zoo realized that a lone female gorilla that was recently brought in for habitation was badly in heat.

Because of this the gorilla was acting very amorous with the keepers every time they tried to feed her. So they figured if she just had sex that she might calm down.

It was then they approached a rather dumb janitor and asked him if he'd like to have sex with the gorilla for $500.

The ...

My wife called me as I was sat in the pub last night.

"I've cooked dinner," she screamed. "And if you’re not home within 20 minutes I'm going to feed it to the dog."

"Woooah! That's bang out of order," I said. "It's not his fault!"

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An Australian Army Recruit sends home a letter . . .

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. Bu...

Jesus and his dog

When Jesus Christ was a very young boy of 8 or 9 years, he did all the things other boys of his age did. He played with his toys and ran with his friends. But like most little boys that age, he really wanted a puppy. He begged Joseph to let him have one but Joseph said he wasn't ready for the respon...

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

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US Government Business Policy

It is the month of June, on the shores of the Black Sea. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.


Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.


He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 Euro no...

its stupid to say you're going to feed the hungry

who else would you feed

I asked my mom if I could try to breast feed one more time.

It was a trip down mammary lane.

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Always feed the cat

An older lady prepares steaks in the kitchen when small cat snuggles up to her leg and begs for a piece of meat by meowing. The lady pushes him off her feet. The cat snuggles up again and begs for a piece of meat.
"Get out!" she shouts at him and kicks him into a corner.
Later on her son-in-la...

An investor wishes to purchase a cow

An investor wishes to purchase a cow from a farmer. When he visits the farm, the investor finds the farmer along with 2 cows- One black, one brown. The investor begins to ask the farmer about the cows.

"So how often do you feed them?"

"The black one? Or the brown one?" asks the farmer....

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What does a therapist feed a cannibal?

Piece of mind

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Ireland Declares War on France

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," the President of France ...

What do you feed a baby parabola?

Quadratic Formula

My kids just read this on a popsicle stick. What do you feed a disapearing cat?

Evaporated milk

I was fired from my job as a zookeeper, which I really didn't think was fair...

There were signs everywhere that said: Do Not Feed the Animals.

So I didn't.

My mum used to feed me alphabet soup when I was a kid

She insisted on me telling everyone that I loved it.

I didn't really, she was just putting words in my mouth

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Breast feeding in public.

My only problem with women breast feeding in public.


They never wink back.

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The Kind Manager

A wealthy manager was driving in his car when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.


Disturbed by the sight, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?"


"We don't have any money for food," the poor man...

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

How does Darth Vader eat with a mask on?

He force feeds himself.

What the difference between Pizza and Musician?

A pizza can feed a family of 4.

When feeding me my mother would say "here comes the choo choo train....."

and i had to eat it otherwise she wouldn't untie me from the track

A guys mother in law comes to live with him

One day he comes home to find her passed out on the floor. He calls 911, the paramedics come and pick her up and take her to the hospital.

The guy goes to the hospital and is in the waiting room when the doctor comes out.

The doctor says, “Well, I have some good news and some bad new...

I went to the park and began feeding the squirrels . I instinctively fed the smallest and skinniest before the others.

The rangers kicked me out!
Said I was Crittersizing

What should you feed a ghost to make them happy?

Goulash

Thanksgiving in Indiana.

When I was a kid in Indiana, we thought it would be fun to get a turkey a year ahead of time and feed it and so on for the following Thanksgiving.

But by the time Thanksgiving came around, we sort of thought of the turkey as a pet, so we ate the dog.

Only kidding. It was the cat!...

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How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

A Guinea pig is the perfect pet....

They only live for 5 days and you don't have to feed or water them.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

I want to start a bird feeding company.

All I need is some seed money.

*Staring at a barn full of feed*

Me: That's alot of feed.

Farmer: Yeah. The cattle eat it.

Me: Man.....that's one hungry cat

Soon commercial airlines will have pilotless flights with only 1 man and a dog on the flight deck

The man is there to feed the dog.

The dog is there to make sure the Man doesn’t touch anything.

A stash of cannabis plants has been dumped in a local Estuary and local seabirds have been seen feeding nearby.

Bird welfare groups are investigating and they say no tern has been left un-stoned!!..

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She said she was stripping to feed her kids.

Yet she got pissed at me when I stuck a can of green beans in her garter.

A collaborative study titled "Feed the World" about the awareness of wintertime rituals in developing countries has been published...

by D. Oothey, K. Nowitz, Chris Mas, T. Ime et al.

Cattle feed shopping

Recently I got to know of this site which sells excellent Cattle feed. It mainly constitutes grain supplement and came highly recommended.

However I was disappointed with the quality when it was delivered. I had to give them the feed back.

Uninvited Guest

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how ...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond

One evening an old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young ...

Three hungry vampires were going to feed one night

They decided amongst themselves that they would go out and feed one vampire at the time, while the other two watched over their den.
The first vampire went out.
After an hour he came back to the den with blood covering his teeth.
- "Where did you go to feed?" the other two vampires asked...

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My stomach gets upset if you feed me strings.

I shit you knot.

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Shopping Habits

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying two dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week, he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky...

Did you hear about the cattle farmer that experimented with feeding his cow cannabis?

The results were promising at first but it turned out the steaks were too high.

Sooo, are you....?

An elephant meets a boa for the first time. Intrigued, he asks him:

\- You're a weird creature ... how do you move? You have no legs.

\- Well, it's simple, I'm crawling…

\- Oh, Okay!

The elephant start to move, but, even more intrigued, he turns and asks again:

\- ...

Why is it cheap to feed a giraffe?

A little goes a long way

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

Pavlov was sitting in a bar and enjoying his beer during his spare time.

At that moment, bar phone rang loudly and Pavlov started worrying. Barman got curious and asked: "Sir, what's the problem?"
Pavlov stood up and shouted:"God damn it. I forgot to feed the dogs."

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

What is the best way to hand feed a crocodile?

Very carefully.

A new pastor in a rural area...

A new pastor in a rural area is ready for his first service, but only one farmer has shown up. The pastor asks the farmer, "If you took a load of hay to feed your cows and when you got there, there was only one cow what would you do?".

"I'd feed it" said the farmer.

So the pastor asks...

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

My friend said, “I really need to go home and feed my baby hamsters.”

Me: That’s a terrible diet for a baby.

Grandma Sofia really likes Skype.

« It’s such a wonderful invention! We get to have guests, but we don’t need to feed them! »

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I tired to force feed my child...

After a while my wife just said “Use a fucking spoon, you’re not a Jedi”

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Pavlov walks into a hotel.

He rings the bell button on the reception desk and exclaims, "I forgot to feed my dogs".

How do terrorists feed their kids?

"Vrroooom here comes the plane." "Vrroooom here comes the second plane."

Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a woman...

you feed him for atleast a week (more if he rations the meat properly).

Sometimes I wonder how vegans survive off of what little they eat

Then I remember they feed off of attention

What do you feed an angry person?

Chili.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you b...

A farmer had a problem; His hogs were not mating. At the feed store he ran into the local veterinarian and

asked for advice. The vet said, “Farmer Heffelfinger here had that same issue and managed to resolve it himself by artificial insemination”.
The farmer, not knowing exactly what that term meant asked how he will know if it has worked.
“Well, they’l be real sleepy the next day”.
Back on t...

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A Englishman was sitting in his barn then a welshman came

Englishman: ‟That your dog?”

Welshman: ‟Yep.”

Englishman: ‟Mind if I speak to him?”

Welshman: ‟Dog dont talk But.”

Englishman: ‟Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: ‟Doin’ all right.”

Welshman: (Look of shock!)

Englishman: ‟Is this Welshman your owner?” (Po...

What do you get when you feed Goya beans to a Russian president?

A Tootin’ Putin.

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

Not sure if this is a repost or not but it made it into my FB feed

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
...

Why did the redditor recognise all the posts on their feed?

They were sorting by "knew"

I usually feed Tums to ants

Because it's like antacid to them.

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I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her tits out on the bus feeding her son."



She said, "It's natural."



"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

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Rabinovich, a Soviet trade official, is called to the Party meeting to be fired.

"Please, I have a family to feed," he begs the Party official.

"Okay," the partorg says, "You will go to Paris to sell Soviet perfume. If you get the contract, we will give you a bonus and let you stay."

So Rabinovich flies off to Paris. A week later, Moscow receives a telegram.
...

From my Twitter feed today

I have a joke about a gym trainer, but I have to warm up before I tell it.

I have a joke about the IT department, but you have to put in a ticket before i can tell you.

I have a joke on aerospace engineering, but I don't think it will fly.

I have a joke on LinkedIn, but I'm not ...

If you have someone in your house with Coronavirus, feed them pizza and saucers of milk.

It’s the only stuff that you can push under the door.

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball.

Abe turns to Sol and asks, "Do you think there's baseball in Heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and...

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A new farmer from the city

He's given up on city life and dropped everything and bough 20 acres in the country.

The problem is he doesn't know anything about farming. So he goes to the feed store to ask some friendly farmers for some help in the right direction.

Luckily an old farmer there is happy to see youn...

How do you feed 100 people with one loaf of bread?

You cut the ends and now have endless bread.

A zookeeper loses his Bible while at work...

... A week later when he's feeding the penguins one of them waddles up to him holding his Bible in its beak.

"Praise God, it's a miracle!" says the delighted zookeeper.

"Not really," says the penguin, "Your name is written on the inside cover."

Feed a man corn and he will eat for a day

Teach a man to grow corn, he will kill your people and steal your land

The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.

I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."

When I was disturbed by a woman breast-feeding in public, she retorted that it was "healthy" and "strengthened the bond between her and her baby".

Ugh... she's one of *those* dog owners.

Three old ladies are sitting in the park feeding the pigeons.

All of a sudden a large man jumps in front of the trio, pulls open his trench coat and flashes his manhood.

The first old lady immediately has a stroke. The second old lady also had a stroke but the third old lady's arms were too short to reach.

I sold all my body parts to feed my gambling addiction.

Maybe I should quit while I’m a head

(NSFW) I have celiac disease, and my BDSM wife likes to tie me up and feed me wheat bread...

I’m a gluten for punishment.

I have a child in Africa that I feed

That I clothe

that I educate

That I inoculate

All for $5 a day


Which is a lot less than it cost to send him there

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3 mothers are talking: a hen, a cow, and a bitch

They’re bragging about how important they are to humanity.

The hen says “I give people eggs, the most popular breakfast ever, and when I die I can feed a family for a night.”

The cow says “that’s nothing, my milk gets drank at any meal, humans make it into yogurt and all sorts of bak...

I was watching an old man feeding birds at the park when I thought to myself...

"i wonder how long he's been dead for..?"

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

My News feed is filled with stories about the Coronavirus.

I guess you could say it's gone viral.

What does Bloomberg feed his cat?

Stop and Friskies

How do you know if a baby is Italian?

Only feeds on hairy nipples

Give a man a fish and he'll feed his family for a day

Teach a man to fish...and over the course of the next few years more and more pieces of fishing equipment will disappear from your garage

Dogs: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...they must be gods"

Cats: "They feed me, they care for me, they give me a place to sleep...I must be a god."

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Big Chief was suffering from constipation for over a week...

He hadn't laid a log in what felt like forever and this caused him great frustration, pain and discomfort. In great desperation, he decides to visit the tribe's witch doctor in the hope of finally loosening his bowels.

The witch doctor let's him in and says "Hey there Big Chief, to what do I ...

Four farmers are feeding their chickens

The first farmer asks, "So, how do y'all like your chicken?"

The second farmer says, "I like mine roasted with some herbs and spices."

The third farmer says, "I like mine deep fried with some biscuits and gravy."

The fourth farmer takes out a bag of marijuana and feeds it to his...

An artist, accountant and engineer have lunch

The conversation turns to their lives, and then their partners and relationships.

The accountant says "Marriage for me. I love my wife, she's my rock, she's always there for me, I'm nothing without her. I owe her everything."

The artist says "I'd never marry. I am lost without my mistr...

What do you feed the son of god?

Cheeses of Nazareth.

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