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A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.

A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.
The waiter, who is smiling, nods and says “Ah, yes, flied lice.”

The Greek man thought this was hilarious and he ordered fried rice whenever he came in just to hear the waiter say, “flied lice”. He would always laugh loudly ...

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

What do you call someone who eats rice?

A ricist

There are three men walking in the desert

The first man is carrying a glass of water. The other two men asked him why?

The man replied “if we get thirsty, we can drink it.

The second man is carrying a bowl of rice. The other two men ask why.

The man replied “if we get hungry, we can eat it.”

The third man is car...

A young Chinese couple got married.

In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"

The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhm...

I never order shrimp-fried rice.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Tim Rice and Tim Curry are going to open an Indian restaurant together.

They plan to call it 'Tim's'

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

Why did the grain of rice wet himself?



A jokester made him 'pilaf'

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

Pasta is long and stringy. Rice is short and stubby.

Orzo you think

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

I asked the asian restaurant what the smallest portion of rice they had

They told me shrimp fried rice

A rice reply from my dad

Me: what do you think of the hotel californa

Dad: it sounds nice, but it’s hell to check out

I always make a mess when cooking rice on my stovetop.

It is a starch reminder.

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?"

I am not ricist, I said.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out

Must be from my uncle Ben

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Personally I prefer white rice in my risotto

I guess you could say I’m a little ricist

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

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blonde with big tits

A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



The bartender says Yep that's them.



So the guy walks over and says Wow this i...

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

Why did the church change its sacrament to fermented rice?

For God's sake.

A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

What do you get when you have fish and rice in a shoe?

Shoeshi

How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population?

I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.

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