UPJOKE
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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

Why was Seal’s face covered in Mexican rice?

Because he was kissed by arroz.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

My brother doesn't like brown rice

He's a rice-ist

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

What are people who doesn't like rice called?

Ricists.

I dreamt I was eating a large bowl of rice.

When I woke up my pilau had disappeared.

A police officer is eating chicken with rice, sitting across from a stranger

While eating he says, "Boy do I sure love Jasmine rice."

The stranger sitting across from him says, "That's not Jasmine rice, it's Basmati."

The police officer replies, "Are you sure? Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it?"

To which the stranger responds, "No, I know ...

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A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.

A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.
The waiter, who is smiling, nods and says “Ah, yes, flied lice.”

The Greek man thought this was hilarious and he ordered fried rice whenever he came in just to hear the waiter say, “flied lice”. He would always laugh loudly ...

What kind of car does a sushi chef drive?

Rolls Rice

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

I was out for dinner when other diners started throwing rice..........

Before I knew it, a pilau fight had broken out!

Does anyone know if Snap, Crackle, and Pop have a Twitter account?

I could really go for a Rice Krispies tweet.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

I never order shrimp-fried rice.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

Why did the grain of rice wet himself?



A jokester made him 'pilaf'

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?"

I am not ricist, I said.

A rice reply from my dad

Me: what do you think of the hotel californa

Dad: it sounds nice, but it’s hell to check out

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

Tim Rice and Tim Curry are going to open an Indian restaurant together.

They plan to call it 'Tim's'

Pasta is long and stringy. Rice is short and stubby.

Orzo you think

I asked the asian restaurant what the smallest portion of rice they had

They told me shrimp fried rice

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out

Must be from my uncle Ben

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom’s rice.

It’s like Uncle Ben’s, but a bit more racist

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

What is the plural form of rice

Answer: Extra rice

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Two groups of archers were in a battle.

the account of the battle was poorly translated through Spanish and went like this:

one group of archers fired rice at the other.

each of the archers in the second group was hit by January.

one lone surviving sad archer in the second group fired back a single wide brimmed hat....

A man was arrested for killing a cow in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures.

Police say this may be the first known case of a Knick-knack paddy whack.

One of my friends suggested that for one of my dishes, I should put rice in.

Didn't realize what he really meant until he died.

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Three burglars who used to work as voice actors break into a house

They get down to the basement with their big gunnysacks in hopes of looting valuables when they hear someone walking down the stairs. One of them says "Quickly! Hide in the bags." They hide in their own bags and the owner comes down to see three suspicious looking bags that he had never seen before ...

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

There are three men walking in the desert

The first man is carrying a glass of water. The other two men asked him why?

The man replied “if we get thirsty, we can drink it.

The second man is carrying a bowl of rice. The other two men ask why.

The man replied “if we get hungry, we can eat it.”

The third man is car...

A young Chinese couple got married.

In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"

The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhm...

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

I only like white rice

I guess you could say I'm ricist

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

What's the Preferred Luxury Automobile of Sushi Chefs around the world?

Rolls Rice

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

What do you get when you have fish and rice in a shoe?

Shoeshi

Back in high school Spanish I made probably my best joke to date: "Did Jesus *rice* from the dead? "

"No......he *arroz*"

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