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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Pasta is long and stringy. Rice is short and stubby.

Orzo you think

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

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What kind of rice do Japanese porn stars eat?

Live jasmine.

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

A rice reply from my dad

Me: what do you think of the hotel californa

Dad: it sounds nice, but it’s hell to check out

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

What are people who doesn't like rice called?

Ricists.

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

My son won’t eat rice unless it is white.

I told him that is ricest.

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

I just opened a birthday card and rice went flying everywhere

It was from uncle Ben

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

What do you call someone who only likes Persian rice?

A riceist!

Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?"

I am not ricist, I said.

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

What is the plural form of rice

Answer: Extra rice

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

What do you call an Irishman standing in a field in China?

A rice Paddy!

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

It’s my first time in court and the The judge said “ORDER”!

And I quickly replied “fried rice, spring rolls and orange juice- now two policemen are escorting me outside and I think we are going to a restaurant :)

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Our top story today

Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack.

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

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MAKE IT SPECIAL.

A rich man(John) brings his newly hired assistant (Ken) to a Japanese restaurant for lunch.

John: Hey Ken, get me the special udon.

Ken: What do you mean by special udon, boss?

John: Stupid ! Special udon means udon with two extra rice balls.

Ken: Yes, boss. I got it....

A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.

He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"

She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an eg...

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

How many people does it take to make Rice Krispies?

Two: Fat Man and Little Boy.

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

Personally I prefer white rice in my risotto

I guess you could say I’m a little ricist

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

How do you tell someone to wake up in Asia?

Rice and shrine honey!

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

I heard they recalled Ray Rice's wife's new line of sunscreen.

It turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

Why did the church change its sacrament to fermented rice?

For God's sake.

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

There is a popular belief that if you accidentally drop your mobile into the water....

you should put it in a bag full of rice and leave it over night to suck out the moisture. Recent studies shows this is not true. If you leave this bag over night chinese kids will come and repair your phone while you sleep. Rice is just their lunch. O.o :D

So the waiter asked me what I would like as a side dish...

I told her to recommend me a side dish as I had never been to the restaurant before.

She told me they had curried rice, potato wedges or a supersalad.

I told her I'd like the supersalad. She gave me a strange look and asked me the same question again.

I tell her yes, that I woul...

A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

What do you get when you have fish and rice in a shoe?

Shoeshi

BREAKING NEWS! CORONAVIRUS!

Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stock piled "just in case"....

Back in high school Spanish I made probably my best joke to date: "Did Jesus *rice* from the dead? "

"No......he *arroz*"

Asians made the first ever edible glue.

Rice

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A Catholic priest visits Japan

One day, he goes to a bar, and the bartender (who speaks English quite well) asks

'Hold on, you're a priest. Why are you here?'

The priest answers 'I have been asked by the Lord himself to give him your finest rice wine'

The bartender is a little confused, but nonetheless, gives...

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

Heard about Cuban Santa?

He's makin' a list... chicken and rice...

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A guy is paying for his shopping at a grocery store...

The cashier scans his items;

- A cucumber
- A large packet of rice
- Two bottles of red wine
- Frozen pork chops
- Dog food

Cashier: “you’re single aren’t you?”

Customer: “yes... how did you know?!”

Cashier: “Because you’re fucking ugly”

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