UPJOKE
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A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.

A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.
The waiter, who is smiling, nods and says “Ah, yes, flied lice.”

The Greek man thought this was hilarious and he ordered fried rice whenever he came in just to hear the waiter say, “flied lice”. He would always laugh loudly ...

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

My brother doesn't like brown rice

He's a rice-ist

Chinese takeout,,,

### Chinese takeout: $11.77. Price of gas to get there: $1.90. Making it all the way home and realizing that they forgot one of the c...

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

What are people who doesn't like rice called?

Ricists.

I just got my first Christmas card in the mail. It was full of rice

Thats when I knew it was from Uncle Ben

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

What do you call someone who eats rice?

A ricist

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

I never order shrimp-fried rice.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

Two groups of archers were in a battle.

the account of the battle was poorly translated through Spanish and went like this:

one group of archers fired rice at the other.

each of the archers in the second group was hit by January.

one lone surviving sad archer in the second group fired back a single wide brimmed hat....

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars?

Pita Parkour Parker with Parkinson’s parallel parking a Pontiac pulling a pick up truck.

What would you call Spider-man if he was a Greek who was into free running, had a debilitating disease and was backing up two cars, while making rice?

Uncle Ben

Why did the grain of rice wet himself?



A jokester made him 'pilaf'

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Tim Rice and Tim Curry are going to open an Indian restaurant together.

They plan to call it 'Tim's'

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

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Three burglars who used to work as voice actors break into a house

They get down to the basement with their big gunnysacks in hopes of looting valuables when they hear someone walking down the stairs. One of them says "Quickly! Hide in the bags." They hide in their own bags and the owner comes down to see three suspicious looking bags that he had never seen before ...

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

A young Chinese couple got married.

In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."

The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"

The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhm...

A rice reply from my dad

Me: what do you think of the hotel californa

Dad: it sounds nice, but it’s hell to check out

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Pasta is long and stringy. Rice is short and stubby.

Orzo you think

There are three men walking in the desert

The first man is carrying a glass of water. The other two men asked him why?

The man replied “if we get thirsty, we can drink it.

The second man is carrying a bowl of rice. The other two men ask why.

The man replied “if we get hungry, we can eat it.”

The third man is car...

I asked the asian restaurant what the smallest portion of rice they had

They told me shrimp fried rice

Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?"

I am not ricist, I said.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

What's the Preferred Luxury Automobile of Sushi Chefs around the world?

Rolls Rice

My son won’t eat rice unless it is white.

I told him that is ricest.

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Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called?

I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom’s rice.

It’s like Uncle Ben’s, but a bit more racist

The Senate committee just released a report about the Cold War.

They found that in response to Sesame Street promoting friendship, racial equality, and care, the CIA captured the Count and forced him to run through truckloads of rice.

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

What is the plural form of rice

Answer: Extra rice

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

A man was arrested for killing a cow in a rice field using only 2 small porcelain figures.

Police say this may be the first known case of a Knick-knack paddy whack.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

So you know how Asia has a lot of raw food dishes?

Well, this guy walked into an Asian restaurant and ordered the chicken and rice. The waiter then served him his dish.

The guy tells the waiter: “Hey I hope you don’t get angry but, could you cook the chicken at least a little? It’s eating my rice.”

Personally I prefer white rice in my risotto

I guess you could say I’m a little ricist

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?

Don’t wok away from me!

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

I heard they recalled Ray Rice's wife's new line of sunscreen.

It turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

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What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

What do you get when you have fish and rice in a shoe?

Shoeshi

Back in high school Spanish I made probably my best joke to date: "Did Jesus *rice* from the dead? "

"No......he *arroz*"

How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population?

I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.

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