UPJOKE
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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?"

I am not ricist, I said.

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An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan...

An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats overs to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.

"HUMAN CREATURE," the alien bellows, "WE LAST VISITED YOUR PLANET A HUNDRED THOUSAND OF YOUR EARTH YEARS AGO. TELL US HOW YOU HAVE EVOLVE...

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Everytime I eat rice, I run out of breath.

My doctor believes I am Basmatic.

I've started buying store brand Spanish rice instead of the expensive stuff

As they say, "Arroz by any other name..."

Did you hear that Kellogg is discontinuing some of their cereals like Rice Krispies and Pops?

When that news Cracked, their customers Snapped.

Why was Seal’s face covered in Mexican rice?

Because he was kissed by arroz.

I dreamt I was eating a large bowl of rice.

When I woke up my pilau had disappeared.

A police officer is eating chicken with rice, sitting across from a stranger

While eating he says, "Boy do I sure love Jasmine rice."

The stranger sitting across from him says, "That's not Jasmine rice, it's Basmati."

The police officer replies, "Are you sure? Do you mind if I ask you some questions about it?"

To which the stranger responds, "No, I know ...

Sheriff, my husband left the house earlier today to buy rice for lunch and he still hasn't come back. What do I do?

\- I don't know, maybe pasta.

A rice reply from my dad

Me: what do you think of the hotel californa

Dad: it sounds nice, but it’s hell to check out

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

My chiropractor makes me feel like a Rice Krispy treat

But that just may be the marshmallow spread he rubs all over me

I never order shrimp-fried rice.

Call me old fashioned, but I like my food to be prepared by a human.

Why did the grain of rice wet himself?



A jokester made him 'pilaf'

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

Pasta is long and stringy. Rice is short and stubby.

Orzo you think

What is the one thing Spiderman can't eat?

Uncle Bens rice.

I just got my first Christmas card in the mail. It was full of rice

Thats when I knew it was from Uncle Ben

My cellphone got wet, so I put it in rice, but I don't think it's working.

The soy sauce just made things worse.

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Tim Rice and Tim Curry are going to open an Indian restaurant together.

They plan to call it 'Tim's'

Christmas Joke... Three men died....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it o...

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A Chinese, American, German, and Syrian are on a train

They're all looking out of the window.


The Chinese trying to show off throws a bag of rice out of the window, "We have a lot of rice".


The American grabs a bunch of dollar bills and throws them out, "WE have a lot of money".


The Syrian tells the German glaring at ...

I went to the doctors....

To get the results of my blood test. He said everything is okay my cholesterol was a little high but nothing to worry about. He also told me I was allergic to rice. I wondered why I got out of breath everytime I ate rice. Apparently I'm Basmatic.

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

I always make a mess when cooking rice on my stovetop.

It is a starch reminder.

This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom’s rice.

It’s like Uncle Ben’s, but a bit more racist

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

What is the plural form of rice

Answer: Extra rice

I asked the asian restaurant what the smallest portion of rice they had

They told me shrimp fried rice

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

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People in Asia hoarded rice, people in Europe hoarded flour, people in America hoarded toilet paper

Conclusion: Americans eat toilet paper.

What kind of car does a famous sushi chef drive?

>!A rolls rice.!<

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

How many people does it take to make Rice Krispies?

Two: Fat Man and Little Boy.

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

Happy Birthday Ray Rice!

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

Why did the church change its sacrament to fermented rice?

For God's sake.

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

What does Supertramp do after buying rice?

They take the long-grain home.

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

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