This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

I got blackout-drunk last night and woke up with a really bad tattoo of a bowl of rice.

I was relieved when I realized it was pilaf.

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

What's spider-mans favorite brand of rice ?

Uncle Ben

Adultery and grains of rice

In a European country, in the 1930's, a man and a woman just got married. As they want to avoid any argument, they decide to ignore any cheating. But, as a confession, each time they have an affair, they have to put a grain of rice into a box. The two boxes would be opened in their old days.

...

I accidentally got rice in my headphone jack

**Now all my music sounds Grainy**

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

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What do you call a Japanese person in a Nazi Death Camp?

Steamed Rice

What does walter white order at a mexican restraunt?

Rice n' beans

Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

How many people does it take to make Rice Krispies?

Two: Fat Man and Little Boy.

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

Asians made the first ever edible glue.

Rice

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

Jesus likes to drink wine.

As we all know, Jesus liked to drink wine. One day, however, he got tired of wine. He said unto John and Thomas, "Go, and fetch me some ingredients so that I may create another kind of drink." And so they went to the market, and John asked Thomas "So, what should we get Him?" Thomas responds, "The r...

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

What do you call a Chinese revolution?

An up-rice-ing

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

Personally I prefer white rice in my risotto

I guess you could say I’m a little ricist

You can't fool me. I know chicken fried rice isn't real.

You expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice?

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

At the end of the day, we’re all human beans

Together we will rice. Now lettuce pray. Ramen.

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

I opened my birthday card and a load of rice fell out

I know exactly who sent it. It was my Uncle Ben.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man born and raised in the province decided to move to the city to find a decent job.

He woke up early that morning to catch the bus to the city and peacefully slept through the five-hour ride.

By the time he woke up the bus was already approaching his stop so he gathered his things and prepared to leave. He had only taken a few steps away from the bus however when he felt a s...

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?

Don’t wok away from me!

A man joins a Tibetan temple

He takes a vow of silence but is allowed to say two words every year.

After an arduous 12 months of eating rice, sleeping on a wooden bed with a raggedy blanket, and working 14-hour days in the field, the man goes to the head monk and says his two words:

“More blankets.”

Anoth...

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

A guy walks into a library, goes up to front desk and in quite a loud voice says,.....

"Could I get a yellow chicken curry, a pad thai and two serves of steamed rice please?"

The librarian is a bit shocked, and in a whispered voice that none the less conveys her displeasure with the gent says, "Sir, you need to be quiet, this is a library, not a restaurant!!"

The guy loo...

What side dish does George Michael ask for with his curry?

Well I guess it would be rice

Good evening welcome to the six o'clock news

Our top story today, convicted hitman confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field, using only two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The eel shop

A Japanese laborer was so poor he couldn’t afford any side dishes and ate only rice. At lunch he would take his bento box and sit behind an unagi restaurant. Before each bite he would inhale the delicious smell coming from the restaurant and then put the plain rice into his mouth.

After a co...

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

What does two rice grains in the sink mean?

Some Somalian has been up all night puking.

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

My wife broke her foot yesterday...

The doctor recommended Rest, Ice, Compression & Elevation.

When I asked my wife how bad the pain was on a scale of 1-10, she replied:

Broken foot: 10/10

Broken foot with RICE: 5/10

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new Japanese rock band?

Of Rice and Yen

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

A drunk guy gets into a taxi..

-Ehh.. 'scuse me, driver... would it be okay if.. I left a few beers, some fried chicken, 2 tequila shots and some rice on your back seat?

-(confused)Ehm, sure.

*#vomits#*



Sorry people, I had to.

What do you get when you have fish and rice in a shoe?

Shoeshi

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

A Grandfather talks to his grandson

Grandpa: Back then, for a dollah, I could get rice, milk, sardines, eggs, four boxes of cereal, a bottle of coke, some chips, and a tub of ice cream






Grandson: How about now, Grandpa?





Grandpa: Now a days, it's impossible to do anything with all dem g...

How is it that rice originated from China to become a staple food for a large part of the world's human population?

I mean, come on! They couldn't even pronounce it.

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