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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Grandfather: When I was your age, I used to go to the market with one dollar

...and bring home soap, rice, milk, bread, face powder etc..

Grandson: Nowadays it's difficult. There are CCTV cameras everywhere.

I told my girlfriend that I don’t like Spanish rice...

And now I’m ricest

I took a picture of rice but I decided to delete it...

It was too grainy.

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Why do Japanese christians offer rice wine to jesus?

For christ’s sake

If you drop your phone in water you should place it in a bowl of rice.

Asian people are attracted to the rice and are very good at repairing electronic devices.

NB. Thanks for being good sports Asian people!

Pasta is long and stringy. Rice is short and stubby.

Orzo you think

I asked the asian restaurant what the smallest portion of rice they had

They told me shrimp fried rice

A rice reply from my dad

Me: what do you think of the hotel californa

Dad: it sounds nice, but it’s hell to check out

I'm going to start my own brand of rice wine called "Shi Kitsune"

Of course we'll have to translate it for the US market, Four Fox Sake

A box of Uncle Ben’s beans and rice is a meal that everyone enjoys, but what most people don’t know about Uncle Ben is that he’s a former assassin. His classic recipe for death?

Ricin Beans

If it looks like Styrofoam, feels like Styrofoam, and tastes like Styrofoam.

It's a rice cracker.

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blonde with big tits

A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



The bartender says Yep that's them.



So the guy walks over and says Wow this i...

What do you call someone who hates brown rice just because it’s brown?

A riceist.

My son won’t eat rice unless it is white.

I told him that is ricest.

Once a man in the mafia, was tasked with killing another man.

He ended up killing him with a porcelain doll in a rice paddy.

It was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Just got back from the supermarket, there was a guy rushing round the shop who had brought 15kg of paella rice, 5 cases of tequila, 8 sombreros and 12 piñatas

I thought to myself, Hispanic buying.

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An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

An American visiting Spain visited a local restaurant on Sunday. He asked the waiter about the the "Daily Special Cojones".

The waiter says, "Señor, every Sunday during bullfight season, we sell Cojones in honor of the bull fights. So yes, today we are selling bull testicles. We know the spor...

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An Oriental man was sitting in a restaurant in Chinatown when a Jew suddenly came up and tipped a bowl of fried rice over his head.

"That's for Pearl Harbour" , said the Jew.
"But I'm Chinese", cried the man. The Jew was unrepentant. "Chinese, Siamese, Japanese, you're all the same!" At this, the Chinaman picked up his plate of sweet and sour chicken and threw it over the Jew.
"That's for sinking the Titanic", shouted the...

What is the sushi chef's dream car?

rolls rice

Do you like white rice? Or brown rice? Or yellow rice?

I love all rice equally. You're just Ricest.

Recently, a beauty company added rice as an ingredient for their beauty masks.

The reason being is that when the mask is done, it’s easier to Pilaf.

Why do Spanish people eat rice on Easter?

Cause Jesus Arroz from the dead.

It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it you're adding raisins and marshmallows

it’s a rocky road

My abuela said that I had to get up if I want some rice

So I arroz

You know being self quarantined isn't even that boring

But I am surprised that there are 7884 grains of rice in one pack, and 7892 in another.

Chipotle guy asked, "White rice or Brown rice ?"

I am not ricist, I said.

This post is sponsored by Uncle Tom’s rice.

It’s like Uncle Ben’s, but a bit more racist

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Does anyone know what this Japanese rice wine is called?

I can't remember the name, for Heaven's sake.

Why did Logan Paul not give rice gum a hi five?

Because he likes to leave asians hanging

How do you tame wild rice?

With a very small saddle.

My girlfriend doesn't eat black rice because it's black...

She is a ricist

What made rice krispies before kellogs

Hiroshima

What is the plural form of rice

Answer: Extra rice

Wack-em

A man confessed to killing a cow in a rice field today with 2 porcelain figures, officials say that this is the first confirmed case of a knick-knack paddy wack

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out

Must be from my uncle Ben

I went to the Chinese for a take away last night, I ordered chicken chow mein, egg fried rice and Singapore crispy noodles. The bloke tipped it all loose in to a carrier bag. I said what the hell are you doing?

He said we're not allowed to put Chinese in a container anymore.

Dropped some rice in water

so I put it in a bag of cellphones to dry out

A murder-for-hire occurred in a rice field using small china ornaments as the weapon

It was a knick-knack paddy whack

I like lots of different foods, like ramen, oatmeal, pudding, rice...

...just for instants.

What do you call a murder over a set of porcelain figurines in the middle of a rice field?

A knick-knack-paddy-wack

(100% stolen from somewhere, I still think it's funny)

What made Rice Krispies long before Kellogg’s?

The Atomic Bomb

Ray Rice doesn't believe in giving women rights.

However, he has no problem giving them a couple lefts

Officer, my wife left yesterday saying she was going to buy rice and did not come back. What do I do?

- Spaghetti, maybe(?)

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club?

Man: Yes.

Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much.

Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and ...

A Chinese, Indian, American, and African decides to have a party, each bringing in their own traditional food. The Chinese brings in fried rice, the Indian brings in curry, and the American brings in burgers. What does the African bring in?

An empty plate.

It’s my first time in court and the The judge said “ORDER”!

And I quickly replied “fried rice, spring rolls and orange juice- now two policemen are escorting me outside and I think we are going to a restaurant :)

Chinese takeout $15.00, gas to get there $1.50

Getting home to find they’ve forgotten one of your dishes.

Riceless.

Why does some sushi have the rice on the inside of the seaweed wrap?

That's just how it rolls.

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I entered a gameshow to win a million dollars...

The gameshow required guessing the unknown using your five senses.

In round one, I stuck my hand into a covered box and guess what was inside by feel. Without hesitation I knew it was seaweed and tinfoil. I would know that feeling anywhere.

In round two, we were paired and had to guess...

I hate how my British friends make fun of Americans for losing an entire country to a bunch of rice farmers.

But then I tell them they lost an entire subcontinent to a guy who wouldn't eat.

A husband and wife at the store realize they’re just a few dollars short to pay for the groceries.

So they decide to remove the bread from their cart. The wife notices no one is looking and shoves the bread in her purse. They pay for the groceries and as they walk out of the store the alarm goes off. Immediately the cops come and search only to find the stolen loaf of bread in the woman’s purse. ...

I told my girlfriend that brown rice was just white rice with a criminal record...

...she called me a riceist

Ray rice got caught punching his girlfriend in an elevator

It was wrong on so many levels.

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

LPT: If your phone gets water damage, leave it in a bowl of rice overnight.

When you're sleeping, Asians will come to eat the rice and will fix your phone for fun

Every time I go to dinner with my parents, they constantly argue about the mashed potatoes, rice or french fries...

And I always tell them that I'm not choosing sides…

What do you call an Australian who loves white rice, but hates brown rice?

(*in an Australian accent*)

Racist.

When i was young, i think i ate to much of Rice Krispies

Because all my body does now is snap, crackle and pop

My librarian keeps a gerbil in a cage at the reception desk. I asked her, "Why did you name the gerbil Edgar Rice?" "Because," she responded,

"Edgar Rice burrows."

Personally I prefer white rice in my risotto

I guess you could say I’m a little ricist

A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.

He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"

She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an eg...

What's the difference between a musician and a bag of rice?

The bag of rice can feed a family of four.

Why doesn't anyone trick or treat at Susan Rice's House?

Because she unmasks them all.

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp?

Don’t wok away from me!

What's the best rice to sleep on?

Pilau

Apologies for bad English this is a regional joke from my language

Bill was announcing in the middle that he could shoplift anything from the store cross the street.
A man heard it and asked him to get 5 kg rice bag from the store.
Bill went in the store and came back with a 5 kg rice bag.
The man who challenged him said :You would be happy to know tha...

Our top story today

Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack.

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MAKE IT SPECIAL.

A rich man(John) brings his newly hired assistant (Ken) to a Japanese restaurant for lunch.

John: Hey Ken, get me the special udon.

Ken: What do you mean by special udon, boss?

John: Stupid ! Special udon means udon with two extra rice balls.

Ken: Yes, boss. I got it....

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Ray Rice jokes for DAYS!

There's like maybe four or five jokes in this list that were already posted on the internet, but the rest of this list was pretty much made up by me while I was bored. Ray Rice's incident is a gold mine of humor....just not for him. Easily offended need not apply here. Enjoy.

1.) Ray Rice's w...

By the end of the day, we are all human beans

and together we will rice.

Why did the church change its sacrament to fermented rice?

For God's sake.

What's the worst thing about a Ray Rice joke?

The punch line.

I heard they recalled Ray Rice's wife's new line of sunscreen.

It turns out it doesn't protect against harmful rays.

Being in quarantine hasn't really affected me.

But I do think it's strange that in one box of rice there were 6839 rice kernels and in another it was 6723.

A out of control kid doesn't want to eat breakfast, so he throws cornflakes, rice krispies and nesquick out and burns them

Bloody serial killer

Hiroshima was making rice krispies long before Kellogs.

I'm going to hell for this.

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

Moms being Moms

*Issac Newton's mother--* "But did you wash the apple before eating it?"

*Archimedes's mother--* "Didn't you have any shame running naked in the street from? And, WHO is this girl Eureka???”

*Thomas Edison's mother--* Of course I am proud that you invented the electric bulb. Now tu...

There is a popular belief that if you accidentally drop your mobile into the water....

you should put it in a bag full of rice and leave it over night to suck out the moisture. Recent studies shows this is not true. If you leave this bag over night chinese kids will come and repair your phone while you sleep. Rice is just their lunch. O.o :D

What do you get when you have fish and rice in a shoe?

Shoeshi

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

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