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Last Resort Jokes

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A police captain moved to a small town, upon his arrival the locals warned him there were no women in town ...

He was told that whenever he wanted to get laid he should come near the river and wait for his turn.

He never spoke about the issue with people in town until couple of months in the new job, the captain realised he could no longer wait.

He rushed to the river and saw a long line of men...

Cannibalism was the last resort but I had no other choice

I'm just bummed I can't walk anymore

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

My wife says being married to me is like being on vacation for the rest of her life

She always tells people that I was her last resort.

Cremation...

...my last resort to become hot.

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Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

Trump will move to Mar-a-Lago once his tax returns go public

That will be his last resort

Almost all the hotels I usually stay at are closed

I had to go with my last resort

I met my wife in a travel agency.

She was looking for a holiday and I was the last resort.

Starting my job search next week.

Been at the same job for over 20 years, kinda burnt out so I'm going to find something else. Heading out to put some applications in, gonna hit Kmart, Sears, Radio Shack, and last resort Toys-R-us. Wish me luck everybody!

What did the inaugural ribbon for the new hotel say before being cut?

Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort

A stranger gave me a really old metal box...

He said it was supposed to contain gold coins, but the lock and the hinges were so rusty which made it very hard to open. I tried a hammer and a crowbar, but the box just won't budge.

So, I'm thinking of trying to open this box with a stick of dynamite, as a last resort. I'll update you guys ...

I'm going to open a convalescence home

It will be in the Bahamas with full amenities. It will be called "Your Last Resort".

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I was filling out an employment application when it asked me SEX: M or F?

I wanted to be honest so I said F if I can, M as a last resort.

I'm opening a hotel made for people with no other options.

I will name it "Last Resort".

If Papa Roach goes on their final vacation

is it to their last resort?

Where do you go when you can't find a room in any hotel?

To the last resort

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Wife in coma

A man’s wife falls into a coma. After trying everything to bring her out of it the doctor takes the man aside and says “Listen, we’ve done everything we can but there may be something else. Last resort what has worked in the past is if you have oral sex with your wife and she may wake up.”

T...

Bubba has been institutionalized

He is an otherwise sane guy who can't control himself. He will make slingshot and break glass windows with it. No warning or fine has ever worked. This was the last resort.

But keeping someone institutionalized is expensive and he was liked by enough people that everyone wanted to see him ge...

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A Hotel tycoon was hit with financial issues forcing him to close all but one of his chain of hotels to help his struggling business.

It was his last resort.

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A very poor man

decided his last resort was to write a letter to God. His family was going hungry. He was behind on all of his bills. He became unemployed, and started to grow ill. He wrote "Dear heavenly father. I've no other resources. No other place to turn. I don't ask for much. I really just need $1500 to catc...

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We all know the old saying "I named my dick 'The Truth' cause bitches can't handle it..."

I call mine "The Plea Bargain" cause ladies only take it as a last resort.

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A family of cockroaches has been traveling up and down the Vegas strip for several months.

Their time was spent visiting the many hotels and resorts that Vegas has to offer.

They only stayed at each hotel for a few weeks before moving on, because they didnt want to attract the attention of exterminators. However, by the third month of this nomadic lifestyle, the parent roaches sta...

So Mama Rabbit and Papa Rabbit are trapped in this hollow log.

They had been chased by the old farmer's hound dogs across three field, two fences and a gulley. They never slowed down. They never gave up, but still they hadn't managed to get away. Seeing the log, they ran in as a last resort.

With a hound dog barking and yapping at either end, Mama Rabbit...

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

Little Jewish boy that can't understand math

Two Jewish parents are very concerned that their little boy is failing at mathematics. They exhaust every method of tutoring and schooling, until they reach their last resort.... Catholic School.

The very next day little Elisha comes home from school, runs to his room, and began studying. To ...

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If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

An aging hotel inspector was performing his final inspection on a luxury hotel before his retirement.

He had arrived at the joint the day before, and had already slept in a room to analyze how clean and comfortable they were. When he had woken up, he went into the bathroom to check its functionality and cleanliness, and continued on to the main dining hall after.

Upon arrival, he saw they we...

A hunter tribe in Siberia catches a Camel.

They kill it, and wonder what it is. To find out, they ask the best hunter.

He answers "It is not a fox, it is not a rabbit. Ask the chief of the tribe, he might know".

They ask the chief.

He says, "Not a reindeer, and not a seal. I don't know what it is".

As a last re...

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A father and son go on a nature expedition in Alaska.

On their first day, they meet their guide who gives them a rundown of everything they can expect during their trip. During the conversation, the son notices a very large caliber pistol strapped to the ranger's side. "Wow, that's a big pistol" he comments, "What do you use it for?" "Well son, this is...

A man goes to the doctor

A man, having troble getting his wife pregnant, goes to the doctor. The doctor, after hearing him, gives him a flask to deposit a small amount of sperm for testing, so that he could find out what was wrong. Two days days later the man returns, but the flask is still empty.
“What happened?” asked ...

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The Flash & Wonder Woman

The Flash was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party so he called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pick up some girls. Batman said Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, The Flash called Green Lanter...

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A man goes to the doctor....

He whips it out and says "doc, look at this". His dick is striped with every color of the rainbow.

Doc: "Yep, seen that before. Nothing we can do but amputate."

Man: "Screw you doc!" and runs out.

The man sees every doctor in town, but they all take one look and say the same ...

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A man and his penis.

A man had a problem with his penis since birth. It was related to the size, but unlike many humans who feel they are too small, his was far too large! 25 inches to be precise. Constantly he would have women run screaming from his bedchamber. So one day he decided he'd had enough of this, and went on...

A nerd goes to the beach

And none of the women pay him any attention. Embarrassed, he finds a popular guy and asks him for tips.

"Try getting a better haircut."

The nerdy guy tries it, but the women still don't notice him. He asks for more tips.

"Try getting contacts and more stylish swim trunks."
...

I knew they weren't fooling around

Little Sameer was failing in maths. His parents tried everything.

Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, but nothing helped. As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School.

"Those nuns are tough" they said.

Sameer was soon enrolled at St. Mary's...

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