Held Jokes - 101 Hilarious Held Jokes

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist.

A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks:

Driver: What's going on?

Policeman: ...

A robber held up a well-dressed man, pointing his gun and yelling, “Give me all your money!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m a U.S. congressman!”

The robber retorted, “In that case, give me all my money!”

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I held the door open for an old Japanese man, and he said "Sank you!"

Being able to understand his heavy accent, I replied "You're welcome."
He laughs and says "No, you misunderstand, I am taunting you about Pearl Harbor."

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How did Kanye find out that Kim was bound, gagged, and held at gunpoint?

She released the video on pornhub.

(Too soon?)

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me.

It was such a nice jester!

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

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"You're under arrest, anything you say CAN and WILL be held against you"

"Boobs!! Boobs!! Big boobs!!"

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I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.

The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"

Did you hear about that time a hitman held a writer at gunpoint and forced him to write for Amy Schumer?

The hitman warned him, “Don’t get any funny ideas!”

My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be this August!” I chuckled, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them!

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The other day I held a seminar on how to withhold orgasms.

Nobody came.

Why are Navy galas always held near the ocean?

Because Seals LOVE beach balls!

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Little Johnny's teacher held a contest one Friday in school.

"Class, I'm going to give you a famous quotation, and if you can tell me who said it, I'll give you the day off on Monday.

"The first one is, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country.' Who said that one?"

Little Johnny's hand shoots up immediately...

Two cats--one English, one French--held a swimming race across the English Channel.

The English cat was named One Two Three; his French competitor was named Un Deux Trois.

Unfortunately, Un Deux Trois cat sank.

Celebrations were held at NASA today

After the Curiosity rover had discovered feline life on the Planet Mars

Celebrations were wild and rampant until the rover made an unexpected turn and ran over the creature.

A NASA employee was heard saying "Turns out Curiosity Killed the cat"

JOB OPPORTUNITY: Riot police officers needed. Interviews are being held tomorrow. Come early....

....beat the crowd.

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During a good manners and etiquette class being held for young children, the teacher says to her students:

"If you were courting a well-educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"

Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."

The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your part."...

How was the robot frog held together?

Rivets.

The World Health Organization has announced that dogs cannot contract Covid-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.

To be clear, WHO let the dogs out.

A funeral was being held for a man, and someone went up to the widow and said...

"I would like to say a word."

The widow nodded, and the man went on stage and said, "Plethora."

He then left the stage.

The widow stopped him as he walked by and said, Thanks, that means a lot."

After Rudy Giuliani held a press conference at Four Seasons Total Landscaping, he experienced chest pains.

He was quickly rushed to Mount Sinai Heating & Plumbing.

Tesla held a charity convention for the deaf last week

the entire day was just sign, sign everywhere a sign

Robert Degen, who held the US copyright for the Hokey Pokey, died at the age of 104.

His open-casket funeral allegedly took over eight hours, over seven of which consisted of the surviving relatives of his putting his right hand into the coffin, putting his right hand out, ...

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Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

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New York held its first ever 'Tiny Penis Pageant' this weekend.

Competition was stiff, but no one could tell.

I love "technically true" jokes, like:

If everybody in the world held hands around the equator, most of them would drown.

Or

Did you know that after all these years, the swimming pool on Titanic is still filled with water?

Or

There are more airplanes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.

What else ...

The erectile dysfunction society held a championship fund-raiser the other week...

...But no one made it past the semi-finals

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Judge : Anything you say in this court will be held against you.

Man : "Titties"

Lawyer : Fuck.. He's good

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

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A guy was in an elevator one day & noticed an attractive woman running to make it before the door closed.

He held the door for her to get in and then politely asked her “what floor?” “3rd floor” she replied, “ I come here once a month to donate blood & they pay me $50”
“That’s a coincidence” said the guy because I come here once a month myself, donate semen & they pay me $200”. Just then th...

I was held captive by some French-Canadian terrorists...

They forced me to eat hundreds of meat pies.

It was tourtière.

An international conference was being held..

In which USA, North Korea, Europe and Africa were taking part.

The judge said,"I would like to hear your opinions about shortage of food in the rest of the world, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask us".

African president asked, "What is food?".

Europe asked, "Wha...

They held a beauty pageant for all those Fox News blondes...

And named the winner "Miss Information".

I held the door

... open for a gorgeous blonde at the bar last night.

My wife said, "You've never held the door open for me."

I said, "What about that time you threatened to leave?"

My father held grudges

I'll always hate him for that

A mugger held me up at knife point, demanding I give all my money...

So I drew him a map to my ex-wife’s house.

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An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

KGB held test of many officer after numerous complaint of incompetence.

Test was simple. Officer must match block with corresponding hole.

Triangle block will only fit in triangle hole, square block in square hole, etcetera.

Completion and scoring of test revealed two distinct type of KGB officer:

Type 1- Very stupid

Type 2- Very Strong

The inventor of autocorrect died

The funnel will be held tomato.

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

So the Irish are playing against the English in the World Cup Final, being held in Paris.

Three Irish and three English fans are waiting at the airport to get the train to the stadium.

The three English fans go up to the ticket counter and buy one ticket each. The three Irish fans go up to the counter and buy only one ticket. The English fans see this and one asks the Irish, " Ho...

Prince Andrew was asked if he is worried about being held accountable for what he did...

"No sweat"

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. (Long)

The caretaker sat pondering a cube he held before him. He sat amidst billions upon billions upon billions, which surrounded him. He alone, at the end of time, bore witness to the Great Library, the vast repository of consciousness in Universe.

Before him was a pile of similar cubes. These cub...

Just watched a documentary on how ships are held together.

It was riveting.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

"I'm three!" yelled my son as he held up three fingers.

"Son, I need you to tell me where you found those fingers."

Confucius say it's better to be knocked down and held up...

... than held down and knocked up.

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A man and a woman were dating. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so badly. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.

One day, as they slowly drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit [60 MPH] you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing."

He enthusiastically agreed and sped...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

A large blond convention was held.

A large blonde convention was held to prove once and for all that blondes are not so dumb after all. The auditorium filled with thousands of blond haired spectators. The brightest blonde was selected to answer some simple math questions.
The host asked her “what is 2+2?”
The blonde replied “5...

I held a creative writing seminar at a women’s prison last month

How did it go? Well, it had its prose and cons.

When the France 1924 Olympics were held...

...did they compete in Oui Sports?

A rabbit town hall meeting was held to discuss recent events...

A wolf had been coming to the meadow at night, and had killed and eaten a rabbit every night for the past week. They decided to put a watchrabbit on watch. When the wolf came, the watchrabbit would shout "wolf", and they would all hide. Naturally, they chose Roger, who the best eyesight.

Unfo...

A tourist enters a pub where a r/Jokes convention is held

He walks to the bar and orders a beer. Meanwhile, the speaker on the stage approaches the microphone and says: "4032!"

Several people in the pub chuckle.

The man on stage then says, "351". Again, quite a few people in the pub chuckle.

Irritated by what he's witnessing, the touri...

My family was being held captive by a salad

It wouldn’t lettuce leaf

When REM met The Queen, she held up an envelope and then said...

"That's me in the corner."

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Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. Th...

A physicist, a mathematician, and an engineer are all found guilty of treason and sentenced to death by guillotine.

# This comment deleted to protest Reddit's API change (to reduce the value of Reddit's data).

Please see [these](https://web.archive.org/web/20230609092523/https://old.reddit.com/r/apolloapp/comments/144f6xm/apollo_will_close_down_on_june_30th_reddits/) [threads](https://web.archive.org/web/2...

What if you're held at gunpoint(bear with me) by a literate animal

and you're only hope of rescue(BEAR WITH ME) is posting a coded message on Reddit!

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I held an orgy for my sexual dysfunction class last night.

Nobody came.

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.

He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

A mugger held a couple.

While pointing a gun and taking their valuables, he asked them:

Mugger: What's your name?
Woman: My name is Donna.
Mugger: You have a name like my mother. I will not kill you then. And you? (Asking the other)
Man: My name is Dave, but my friends call me Donna, too.

I have a small, hand-held battery tester for sale.

Batteries not included.

My dyslexic support group held a slam poetry competition

Doug got first with a great piece about racial tensions in America.

Anna got second with a touching monologue about women's rights.

I got third by smashing an urn.

My family held an intervention for me today...

They say I'm addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers, I said I can quit cold Turkey whenever I want

My middle eastern friend was held at gunpoint.

He told me he was able to get out of the situation,

I asked him, “How?”

He said

“Iran”

A piece of fruit held up a bank and stole some money!

It was a STROBBERY

One man asks another, "what do you have there?" His friend replies, "this is a charm that protects me from evil people." The first one points to the other thing the man held and asks, "then what is this?"

"The bullets for it"

Donald Trump is being held hostage...

Guy 1: "Donald Trump is being held hostage by terrorists and they threaten to shoot him unless the US can come up with $5 billion in cash!"

Guy 2: "Oh my God, that's horrible! How much have people donated?"

Guy 1: "So far, 15 rifles, 20 machine guns, 16 shotguns, 8 revolvers, 76 BB gun...

I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards

They must have thought I was a taroist

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In the beginning, when Man was first created, all the members of the body held a meeting to decide who should be in charge.

The brain said that it should be in charge because it had the power of decision making and so controlled what everything else in the body did.

The eyes pointed out that they were the ones who saw everything, including whatever objectives the brain was going to decide to pursue, so they shou...

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NSFW I held up a brothel last night...

I told them to give me all their fuckin money.

How did everyone know about the sweepstakes held by the morgue?

It was a dead giveaway.

If the human population held hands around the equator...

A significant portion of them would drown

I was held hostage at a barber shop once.

It was a hairy situation.

First time I held a Zippo I was surprised by how heavy it was

I figured it would be lighter

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

If all the Dominos employees in the world held hands..

you'd have to make your own pizza

Google employees held a walk out today

I couldn't find out why

We asked our son how old he was and he held up two fingers

Scared the hell out of us

because we didn’t know where he got em

This year’s Tease & Denial Convention will be held virtually

Attendees will be told not to come

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I held a premature ejaculation party...

Why was I surprised when everyone came early...

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I held a door open for a lady today. You'd think she would say thank you or acknowledge in some way. But noooo....

....All she said was,

*CLOSE THE FUCKIN DOOR, I'M TRYING TO PISS.*

There was a contortionist competition being held the other day

So I entered myself... And won

A group of physicists held a beach party. They had fun so made it an annual event.

It's becoming a really popular wave function.

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

Of all the Guinness world records my Dad held...

He told me the one where he ate a grandfather clock was the most time consuming.

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Did you hear that the Trump press conference today was held between landscaping store and a porno shop?

Turns out, he was just looking for a new hoe.

...ugh, I know this is terrible. Must do better.

Like, something something Bushwhacked.

'little help?

I once held a door for a sperm whale. He said thank you.

I said, you're whale cum.

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Premature Ejaculators Anonymous meeting to be held today at 4...

...doors open at 3.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

Why are funerals never held at night?

Because they're always in mourning.

the stranded woman and the kind indian

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes...

An international conference was held to decide what the most annoying musical instrument was.

After intense debate, a shortlist of instruments was created, consisting of the bagpipes, didgeridoo, and vuvuzela, but before a vote was held it was decided that the exact origin of each instrument had to be accounted accounted for beyond any doubt.

The didgeridoo's origin was easily proven,...

The elephantine Russian emperor held an open air market for strange wooden dowels.

It was Tsar Babar's bizarre bar bazaar.

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A blind prostitute told me I had the biggest dick she ever held.

But I know she was just pulling my leg.

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