King Jokes - 136 Hilarious King Jokes

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The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Viva la France!!"

The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva la Es...

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

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The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

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A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

A king sits on his throne. Suddenly, one of his knights enters.

The knight looks so tired he can barely stand. His armour is heavily battered and covered with dust, his sword is notched, his helmet is cracked...

**King**: Dear God, John! What happened to you?

**Knight**: Oh, I've been hard at work lately, Your Majesty. A heavy blow I dealt against ...

My friend is such a big fan of the Royal Family, each of his four sons are named after a king.

**Henry**

**George**

**Charles**

**Burger.**

What happened to king Henry the VIII’s wife’s head?

(removed)

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

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You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

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What do pussies and Burger King have in common? [NSFW]

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

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A British Jew is to be knighted by the King.

He is to kneel in front of him and recite a sentence in Latin when he taps him on the shoulders with his sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which...

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

There once was a king who was 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king but a great ruler.

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

There's a depressed king back in the 14th century

And nothing could cheer him up. Eventually the royal advisor hired a new fool to entertain the king. The clown was very funny, and most of the court laughed, but the king merely sighed, and then turned towards his advisor.

"I don't think this worked Henry, but I appreciate the jester."

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

I replied, "Surely you must be Joe."

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

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One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?

Squire: 384 my liege

king: Ok, round them up

Squire: 400 my liege

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.

It's probably because they are great whites.

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There was a king ready to abdicate.

So he brought in his 3 sons. He tells them, "Each of you will receive a trial, the first to complete their trial will become king."

Beginning with his eldest son, a brave and foolhardy man of great stature he says, "You are to bring me your grandmother's emerald ring, lost decades ago in the ...

Andrew Lloyd Webber came into Burger King.

He asked the person behind the counter to give him a couple of whoppers. The person said: your really good looking and your shows are excellent.

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A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

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Good thing Stephen King does not make porn movies

We will never see IT coming

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There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

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A King enrolled his donkey in a race & won

Local papers read:

“King’s ass won”

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local papers then read:

"Queen has the best ass in town"

The king & queen were both upset..

Queen then sold the donkey to a far...

Why did none of the women King Midas dated want to marry him?

They got gold feet.

l made $48m today and I’m STILL having Burger King for dinner.

Just another day working at the Federal Reserve.

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir-line.

Which of King Arthur's knights was chosen to make the round table?

Sir Cumference

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A little know tale of the Legendary duo of King Akbar and his witty Minister Birbal.

So, King Akbar's daughter had reached the marriageable age. As was the custom at the time a competition was held to choose the right groom for her. The task was to pole vault over a 10 feet wall topped with barbed wire.

All eligible princes' were invited to the event, but no one was successfu...

I’m not a fan of the new coins released with King Charles’ head on them.

But then again, I’ve never liked change.

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

5 year old son after reading a story of a king:

Son: Mom I also want 5 wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will dance and one will bath me.

Mom: And one will put you to sleep

Son: No mom, I will still sleep with you.

Mom's eyes filled up with tears and said "God bless you son, but who will sleep with your 5 wives?
...

What happens when the King leaves the toilet?

A Royal Flush.

A friend of mine is so into medieval stories that he continuously goes through all the members of King Arthur's round table.

Knight, after knight, after knight after knight.....

A King and his squire during a battle

King: "Cannons, fire!"

Squire: "Your majesty, we have no cannons"

King: "Ok then. Cavalry, charge!"

Squire: "We have no cavalry either"

King: "Ok then. Archers, loose!"

Squire: "We have no archers either"

King: "Ok then. Infantry, attack!"

Squire: "W...

Once upon a time, a King wanted to have some fun...

.... He went on a podium and said loudly: "I will give half of my fortune to anyone who manages to tell me a lie that I, myself, admit that it's a lie."

An old man walked to the King and said: "I can draw rainbows wherever I want."

The King replied: "That's true, I saw you making one y...

The Mistress of the King was caught with him in bed.

Now she's royally screwed.

They say that King Louis XVI was rather melancholic as he was led to the guillotine

but it is known that after the execution, he was quite beside himself.

King Arthur had insomnia in the days before he lost his last battle...

Too many sleepless knights.

A miller tells the king his daughter Edith can spin straw into gold.

So the king locks Edith in a room with straw and tells her she will die if she can not spin straw into gold. After awhile a small man appears to the crying miller’s daughter.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: What saddens you young girl?

EDITH: My father’s big mouth has gotten me in quite the predicame...

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There lived a King who had a beautiful wife.. (NSFW)

On an important occasion, he had to leave his kingdom to meet another king! Since his wife was young and beautiful, he was worried that he may cheat on him with someone in his palace. So before leaving the kingdom, he slathered poison on his wife's tits.

The King returned after a couple o...

Where will the new King of England keep his armies?

In his sleevies

Why does King Charles play poker in the bathroom?

Because nothing beats a royal flush.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

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A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

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TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

A king, a businessman and a network admin in hell.

A king, a businessman and a network admin meet the devil at the gates to hell.
- You can make one phone call, but you'd have to pay for it, - says the devil.
The king makes his call, asks who's the new ruler of the kingdom, was quickly assured that everything is fine, hangs the phone with ...

A farmer and a king died at the same time.

They found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

"Both of you were very good men," says St. Peter, "but heaven is getting crowded and I can only allow one of you in. What can you do?"

The farmer planted a pear tree, and it grew huge, delicious fruits.

"Wonderful," said St. P...

Finally made it to the court of the Crimson king

Waste of time. All I did was talk to the wind

The king asks a commoner...

"Give me your daughter's hand in marriage, and I'll give you her weight in jewels."

"I will need a couple days first." - Replies the commoner

"To think it over?" asks his majesty.

"No - to fatten her up."

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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the king and his cheating queen

A king who had been very busy conquering lands and staying out of his castle, returned home after a couple of years on the battlefield.

He received news that his wife or the queen had been cheating on him with the generals and several other higher-ups. In order to find out who was involved i...

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The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

If a king farts...

Is it considered a noble gas?

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What's the difference between King Charles and a vibrator?

One is fucking Camilla, the other is fucking an entire empire!

Today I found out that King Charles is a gamer, and mostly plays Nintendo games.

He knows how to properly use the Royal Wii.

What was the name of the king’s extra knight?

Sir Plus

The Legend of the King and the Fisherman

After the palace meteorologist assured them there was no chance of rain, the King and the Queen went fishing.

On the way, they met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and they asked the man if the fish were biting. The fisherman said, "Your Majesties, you should return to the palace...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.

"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"

The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

King Charles has announced that he will be sending his best two Helicopter pilots to Ukraine for the war.

Their names are Andrew and Harry

Chuck Norris went into Burger King and ordered a Big Mac.

And he got one.

Not only is King Charles formerly known as Prince...

He also spent about 9 months in Queen.

Pros of my high school years: I graduated top of my class, was voted prom king, and hooked up with the hottest girl in my grade.

Cons of my high school years: my twin sister and I were homeschooled.

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them.

Those were his axe wives.

(this joke is courtesy of my father)

Today I found out that my neighbour’s wifi is named Martin Router King.

In related news, …I have a stream today.

Why does the lion say “I’m the king of the jungle”?

Because he has mane character syndrome

Why didn't King Solomon follow through with his decree to cut the baby in half?

Because he didn't like to split heirs.

What do you call the knight the king didn’t need?

Sir Plus

what did the king think about his couch?

he thought it was sofa-king comfortable.

With the coronation of King Charles, there was discussion about orthographic modernization--shortening spelling of words like "colour" and "labour" but the UK government responded

Never gonna give "u" up

King Charles has authorised a new Royal Ceremony that the Guards regiments will perform anytime that Prince Harry is in the country.

It will be called "The Changing of the Locks"

(with thanks to Matt, of the Daily Telegraph)

Did you know King Henry VIII had an insatiable sweet tooth and was particularly fond of honey?

It's why two of his wives were bee-headed

The name and symbol for Bluetooth are based on a Danish-Norwegian king, dubbed ‘Harald Bluetooth’

He had three wives, and four children between them. One then became his heir.

In other words, Bluetooth paired successfully

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Once all the females of the jungle went to the Lion, king of the Jungle.

They complained that the males always keep having sex with them and wouldn't let them take rest.

The Lion told them he would do something. He called for all the males of the jungle and told them to deposit their dicks with him and told them they could only have them after 4 weeks. He gave the...

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.

Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experienc...

Many people know of King Arthur and his Knights of The Round Table.

However, most people do not know who first proposed and created the round table: Sir Cumfrence.

We used to have empires run by emperors, then we had kingdoms run by kings..

Now we have countries..

What do you call it when you let your opponent attack both your king and queen in chess?

A royal fork-up

Once upon a time there was a king...

... who used to be very lustful. He slept with many women in the kingdom. One day the prince was roaming around and stumbled upon a washerman's shop by the river. He saw a young boy washing clothes. Upon coming near the boy, the prince realised the boy has the same facial looks as him. He approached...

If The Lion King was a cow movie instead, what would their leader be called?

Moofasa

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The Thumb King

Once upon a time, there was a Land of Fingers. Everyone who lived in the Land of Fingers was, appropriately enough, a Finger. All the Fingers, from mighty Index to cute little Pinky lived together in peace and harmony. Then one day came Thumb. Thumb was like the Fingers, but different. Shorter, stur...

Where does Steven King go for home improvement inspiration?

Home De Poe.

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A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

Why did Joe King change his last name to Hill

Under his original name, no one could take him seriously.

Think about it.

How dose good king wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp and even.

Everyone has heard of the King David Hotel in Jerusalem...

...but nobody has heard of the Goliath Hotel, even though it is much larger and only a stone's throw away.

Please pray for my dumb friend who thinks Stephen King is a documentarian…

He’ll believe ‘It’ when he sees it.

Why did the king buy a Dodge when it was time to get a new truck?

His castle already had plenty of ramparts.

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A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.

The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen

Minister said, "Your highness"

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There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

A king and queen walk into a bar.

The bartender tells them "sorry, but you're under 21."

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

The King Of The Hill reboot is going to have Hank working in a BDSM store

He's going to be selling pro-pain accessories.

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

United Airlines will treat you like a King!

Rodney King, that is.

King Charles's coronation date has been revealed.

It's Camilla.

Stephen King

I still think it's weird his most popular book is about Information Technology.

The executioner asked the king if he would find fulfilment in his work.

The king said he could see it in the offing.

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Upon seeing a big lion, a monkey thinks to himself, “That’s a big lion, if I fuck this lion up the ass, I’ll be the king of the jungle.”

When the lion’s tail goes up, the monkey jumps down and fucks the lion up the ass. The lion wakes up and chases the monkey through the jungle, the monkey dives through a row of trees and lands in the lobby of a big hotel.

He picks up a newspaper and covers his face as if to read it. The lion...

King Charles to get Crown next year...

You know U.K. dentistry is bad when the King can't even get a dentist appointment.

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

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The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.

I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.

Gildford from 13 th century

What's the difference between a dinosaur and a British king?

One is a T-rex, the other is a tea rex.

What was King Tut known as in the wild west?

Rootin' Tutankhamun

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The king was looking for a prince to marry his only daughter.

Naturally the king was very picky and decided to devise a set of tests only the bravest, storngest and most feirce would even dare.

Princes from all around the world showed up and the tests begun.
After a growling month where more then half didn't even survive, a clear winner came forward...

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

King Charles is the new ruler of England

He hopes he can measure up

What would you do if King Kong comes through your window?

Start swimming.

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

A cook during medieval times is ordered to prepare a feast for the king...

Knowing this was a feast for the king, the cook prepared everything diligently and carefully. At the day of the feast, the king and his guests arrive and begin to eat. They are in love with the food from the lamb to the roast duck to even the soups. The king recognized the cooks ability and made him...

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

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If there’s one thing I love in this world, its fucking Whoppers from Burger King,

And eating them too.

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

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