UPJOKE
emperormonarchprincequeenmonarchysovereignroyal familyunited kingdomprincessarchdukehead of statekingdompharaohmajestyroyal

A king had 10 wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A king had 10 wild dogs.
He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.

A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

The minister said,
"I served you loyall...

King Charles has a realistic chance of breaking one of Queen Elizabeths most famous records:

The record number of 15 prime ministers during her reign.

Once upon a time, there lived a king who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The King of France, The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis.

Eventually they decide to let the people judge. They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.


The King of France drops his and the French crowd shout "Vive la France!!"


The King of Spain drops his and the Spanish crowd shout "Viva Españ...

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king declares that all Jewish people must leave the kingdom, unless one can beat his priest in a contest.

The rules are simple: without saying a single word, the contestants must argue their faith until one concedes. Among the Jewish citizens, only one old man steps forward to compete.

The priest and the old man take the stage before a crowd, and the contest begins.

The priest raises his ...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

"I'm sorry, Your Highness, but we can't put Humpty Dumpty back together again!" said the King's man.

The King, who was drunk, replied, "Let the horses try."

King

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared, Who is mightiest of all jungle animals? The trembling monkey says, You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows, Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals? The ...

What's the difference between a dinosaur and a British king?

One is a T-rex, the other is a tea rex.

Which knight made King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference!

The King was leaving his castle to fight in the Crusades. He left the key to his wife's chastity belt with his most trusted knight.

"God commands that I fight, but not even he can promise that I will return. If I die fighting in these holy wars, I leave it to you to release my wife to marry again." The king mounted his horse and rode off the horizon.

As he nearly rode out of sight, he turned back and looked at his kingdom...

King Henry VIII had six wives. He beheaded two of them.

Those were his axe wives.

(this joke is courtesy of my father)

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

I'm not a fan of the new coins released with King Charles' head on them....

But then I don't like change

Why does the lion say “I’m the king of the jungle”?

Because he has mane character syndrome

Ever since I made the switch from a king sized bed to a hammock....

I've had serious trouble getting out of bed in the morning.

Manufacturing of the first coin to enter circulation carrying the image of King Charles is underway at the Royal Mint. As is tradition, Charles faces left on the new 50p

As when it comes to things involving her children, the Queen always looked the other way.

King Charles's coronation date has been revealed.

It's Camilla.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

Why did Joe King change his last name to Hill

Under his original name, no one could take him seriously.



Think about it.

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

King Charles to get Crown next year...

You know U.K. dentistry is bad when the King can't even get a dentist appointment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king was looking for a prince to marry his only daughter.

Naturally the king was very picky and decided to devise a set of tests only the bravest, storngest and most feirce would even dare.

Princes from all around the world showed up and the tests begun.
After a growling month where more then half didn't even survive, a clear winner came forward...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

I hate this new king, my landlord is ripping me to starvation and i might freeze this winter.

Gildford from 13 th century

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

Saw a man in a parking lot throwing Stephen King novels at people

I couldn't figure out why. Then It hit me.

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

did you know that Camelot wasn't King Arthur's castle?

It's where he parked his camels.

King Charles is the new ruler of England

He hopes he can measure up

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king has to go out and fight a crusade during the middle ages. he knows that his wife is very promiscuous and doesn't trust her to stay loyal while he is gone. he decides to install chastity belt device that whenever someone trys to have sex with her, their penis gets chopped off.

10 years later he returns from the crusade. he calls all the men from the village into his castle and orders them pull down their pants. one by one the men pull down their pants. the king finds that almost every man has their dick chopped off. however, the last man in line is still holding strong. t...

The good king

There was once a king whose height was 15 cm. He wasn’t a great leader but he was a good ruler.

A king used to be drunk throughout the day, no matter what the time, day, occasion was

Frustrated by his behaviour, the queen left the palace and vowed to never go back.

The king, drunk as usual and absolutely shocked by this news, asked his minister, what caused such extreme move of queen

Minister said, "Your highness"

In the early days, we had Kingdoms run by Kings.

And Empires run by Emperors.

Now we have Countries run by...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King, JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…

Apparently old hobbits die hard.

A might King was nearing the end of his life, and knew he needed a suitor for his daughter before he died.

In order to find the bravest, mightiest, most valiant man in the Kingdom (and perhaps cull out a few of the weaker ones), the King decided to host a challenge.

He invited the *entire* Kingdom to gather around a large pool that he filled with snakes, alligators, eels, and every other kind of d...

I was walking past a movie theater showing "The Black Phone" and some guy standing out front was saying, "Stephen King is my dad and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!" I said to him...

"Surely you must be Joe."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The other night in bed my wife whispered in my ear "I'll do whatever you want to make you feel like a king".

So I suggested we have sex in a bouncy castle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The once was a king with the most beautiful princess in the land…

To find her a prince the king set 3 challenge to find the best man in the land.

The first challenge was to fight his 2 strongest warriors to the death.

The second challenge was to pull a tooth from a gorilla with a toothache.

While the last challenge was to give a woman an orgas...

Stephen King

I still think it's weird his most popular book is about Information Technology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the Hulk charged with sexual harassment at Burger King?

He asked them to hold the pickle.

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.  


Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. 


She was hungry, so I brought her home ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king’s wife was often unfaithful to him.

The king, suspecting this, decided to find out for himself. While his wife was sleeping, he snuck in and taped a bunch of razor blades to her vagina.

A week later he ordered all the knights in his kingdom to stand before him.

He ordered them to all drop their pants.
They all had i...

What was the name of the king’s extra knight?

Sir Plus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there’s one thing I love in this world, its fucking Whoppers from Burger King,

And eating them too.

Wikipedia suggests the third oldest joke in the world has a missing punchline. I’d like to suggest that Reddit’s most upvoted punchline is the true punchline

From the history segment on the Wikipedia article for joke.

The tale of the three ox drivers from Adab completes the three known oldest jokes in the world. This is a comic triple dating back to 1200 BC Adab. It concerns three men seeking justice from a king on the matter of ownership over a ...

Archaeologists have revealed how King Tut died

Records indicate he was found naked, with a rope around his neck.



They determined the cause of death was Auto Erotic A-sphinx-iation.

I was hiking with some friends

on a forest trail one day when we encountered a black bear approaching us. I told everybody, “Don’t run away from him or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible”
Then the bear rose up on his back legs and said, “Don’t run away from him or approach him. Make yourself look as big as po...

3 kings

Little johnny was in class and the teacher asked him to name 3 kings that have brought joy to the world,
Little johnny replied "smo-king,drin-king,and fu-king"

Lion and Monkey

A Monkey would come over and make fun of the lion everyday. Lion would keep his head low and would just ignore. All the animals would feel humiliated because their King was being ridiculed, but there was nothing anyone could do.

The lioness would say I'll go and kill that monkey but the lion ...

The real husband

In King Solomon's court, two men and a woman stood before the king.

\- “This woman is my wife!" said the first man. “I married her 30 years ago!"

\- "No, she's my wife!” said the second man. “I married her 30 years ago, but this man just stole her from me!"

Solomon then turned t...

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Little girl was digging a hole in her back yard.

When her neighbour said, hello Daisy what you digging a hole for?

Daisy replied, I am burying my goldfish, neighbour said, that is a very big hole for a goldfish, why so big? Daisy replied.

Because it's inside your fucking cat.

Let’s have a drink together

After a Beer Festival in London, several brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

Then Budweiser's president say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The old king was suspicious of the young queen cheating on him.

So, with the help of a witch, he placed an invisible blade in the Queen's Hoo-Haw.

3 days later, the King summoned all the men he suspected and ordered them to take of their pants.

To the King's surprise, he found that all their penises had cuts in them from the blade, except for th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pussies and Burger King have in common?

It’s generally frowned upon to eat them in the middle of a McDonald’s.

Macbeth’s fortune

Liz Truss: Devil granted me the wish that I will meet a king and a queen during my time as PM. Hence I will be the longest serving PM!

God: That may not be the only way to look at it Liz.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, a Lion goes down to the water hole for a drink...

and a Gorilla hiding in the Jungle thinks it would be funny to run down and fuck the Lion in the ass so the Gorilla does.

And the Lion begins chasing the Gorilla thru the jungle.

The Gorilla runs thru a safari camp and seeing nobody there he runs into a tent and puts on a safari jacket...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king summons three of his most loyal subjects to a meeting

The king looks at the first man, who was named Rand.

"Rand, kiss my hand!" he orders.

Rand obeys him and kisses his hand. The king looks at the second subject, who was called Lee.

"Lee, kiss my knee!"

Lee obeys and kisses his king's knee. The king turns in the direction o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A King was about to leave the kingdom for a long journey

However, he was jealous that every servant and Knight in the castle would want to approach his queen.

He therefore created a chopping mechanism that would cut anything that would penetrate his wife. He put that belt around his woman and left.

After three months he returned to the castl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens when the Queen of Hearts has oral sex with the King?

He gets off with her head!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king was speaking to a journalist, who was exploring his nation.

Sadly, the king did not speak english, so he used his translator to help him decipher her words.

The Journalist said “I must go and deliver these discoveries I have made.”

The king whispered to his translator, who then said, “The king enjoys your company!”

The journalist said, “...

My friend asked me if there were famous NSFW parts of historical eras

I said that there weren’t many famous cases, except for the time Robespierre got head from King Louis XVI in front of all of Paris.

Where does the King keep his armies?

In his sleevies

What do you call a sleeping snake?

A King Coma!

Do you know? a King Cobra's venom can kill an elephant.

Thank god I am not an elephant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Eric is stranded on an island...

Eric is stranded on an island. He starts hopelessly wandering around and hides behind the bushes when he comes upon a local tribe of cannibals and their cannibal king sitting on a golden throne.

"I'm screwed." Eric whispers to himself.

Then, out of nowhere, appears a wise old man. "No...

I used to date a girl who was a fan of “Lion king” like me.

Whenever we made out, she used to say Sukona ma tatas.

I always corrected her saying that it’s Hakuna matata.

I just realized that I am an idiot.

Why did no one in the kings court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don’t cause a reaction

A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.

As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.

Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elep...

We all know that Barney the Dinosaur is a LOVABLE PURPLE DINOSAUR.

In ancient Rome, there was no letter U, so they used a V instead, making Barney a LOVABLE PVRPLE DINOSAVR.

Now eliminate all the letters that are not Roman numerals. We are left with LVL VL DIV.

Next, let's refresh your brain. I=1, V=5, L=50, D=500.

When we add it all up, we get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

King Richard’s coronation must have been interesting.

Everyone was waiting patiently for a good Dick King.

Scientists recently have been doing some new studies with the mummy of Egypt's famous boy king.

With the aid of highly advanced mri scans they were able to ascertain he suffered from a major gastro intestinal disorder. Apparently he was lactose intolerant. So it turns out, me and the Egyptian kid got a toot in common

A man walks into a bar...

A man, his wife, a group of nuns, a priest, a rabbi, Little Johnny, an American, a Russian, an Irishman, an Indian, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a cop, a king, a lawyer, a politician, and a dog walk into a bar.

The man exclaims,

"This has to be a joke!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex

Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex because he only had one son. But, if you think about the sword in the stone, his pull out game is what made him king in the first place.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

RIP to one of my favorite comedians, Mitch Hedberg. The king of one liners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

Aside from King Crimson, did any other seminal progressive rock bands form in London in 1968?

Yes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once a king asked his prime minister to seek for men that don't fear their wife.

The minister immediately announced in the kingdom that any man who don't fear his wife come to the booth in the town square and take a black or a white horse and those who fear their wife can take a cake for their missus.

Hoards of men came but no one mustered courage enough to take the hors...

Whats it called when a king and queen have no children?

A receding heir line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

I couldn’t follow the storyline of Stephen King’s “It”

Too many Maine characters.

A king's chef was sentenced to death, after serving terrible food one too many times...

On the day the sentence was to be carried out, the chef brought one of his cakes and presented it to the headsman, in the hopes it would encourage him to make the death quick and painless.









When the headsman returned home, his wife asked how the proceedings had...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jealous king was about to go on a long journey but was afraid that his queen would be unfaithful to him..

Therefore he summoned his best blacksmiths, in order to create a device that was going to provide protection from any penetration to his queen.

The most ingenious blacksmith came with an invention that could split in half anything that would dare to penetrate the queens genitals.

...

What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Paddy's Day, everyone pretends to be Irish.

Why was the King unhappy with the weather?

Because it was reigning.

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

He had too many SLEEPLESS knights!

Alternative answer:

Because they Came A Lot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross king midas and Oedipus?

Pure motherfucking gold

What do you do if king kong comes through your window?

Start swimming

What do readers of Steven King and Russia have in common?

They have both learned to be afraid of Clowns.

King Arthur asked a wood maker apprentice to make a table.

He was so impressed with the Table Round result, that he knighted him on the spot: Sir Cumference.

The picky princess and Peasant John

Once upon a time, there was a kingdom ruled by a kind but ageing king. This king had a single daughter, beautiful and clever, but incredibly picky regarding suitors.
At first, the king entertained many foreign princes and young nobles, seeking the hand of his daughter in marriage. However, the pr...

A man and his wife die in a car accident

The man is greeted by Death. "Choose your game", says Death, "win and you will get a second chance at life, lose and you will die".

As an avid poker player, its an easy choice for the man.

As they begin, the man loses the first few hands.

As the next hand is drawn, the man is st...

How does Old King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep and Crisp and Even

I hope Prince Charles is okay

Ever since King Charles came into town, I haven’t heard from the Prince at all

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king is afraid that the queen was disloyal to him and had sex with the castle guards.

So the king got a witch to put a magical spell on the queen so that anything that goes into the queen’s body gets chopped off.

One day, the king decides to summon all the men up and orders them to show him their private parts.
All the men had no penis except one of them.
The king walk...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

To be a king!

I was looking at myself in the mirror after a shower and my wife opened the door and was starring at me starring at my “piece”
And I said in a strong firm voice

If I had two more inches. . . . . I’d be a King!

She just frowned a bit afterwards then said

Yeah. . . . . And ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A benefit of Charles III ascension to the throne

Once they change the picture on the money to the new King, Andrew won't have to tuck a picture of his mother into the G-strings of strippers.

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

A man’s wife asks why King Santa Claus runs their country?

He replies “Because he’s gotta reign dear”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

Mike Lindell expanded his business to selling king-sized mattresses.

He calls it "The Big Lie"

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.