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The Queens Breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.



Nick, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.



One day Nick revealed his secret ...

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

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A coworker told me a joke about Oedipus and King Midas today.

It was motherfucking gold.

Hi Reddit! My name is Joseph, and I am the son of Stephen King. AMA!

I would post proof, but it's obvious that I'm Joe King.

Who invented King Arthur's round table?

Sir Cumference

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The king was in the mood of impressing his courtiers.

He said, "I was on my way through the jungle, just enjoying the scenary and the fresh air, but all of a sudden there was a lion blocking our way."

Engrossed, the courtiers were on the edge of their seat.
"I didn't want to kill the beast in front of my little girl, who was with me for the...

Only the true king could remove the sword from the stone. No one else could.

They didn't have the right.....arthurization.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

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What do you call a King with a 12 inch penis?

A Ruler!

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

There once was a king named Lee.

He ruled the lands by the letter of the law, granting him the title, “Lee the Absolute.” He was such a fair ruler that the history books revered him as the most accomplished, making him

Absolute Lee the Best.

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There was a king with a beautiful virgin daughter

The king ruled a wealthy and massive kingdom, but he was obsessed with keeping his daughter a virgin. He had a device planted into her vagina that would chop off anything inserted into it.

He then called in his 3 best knights and told them that he would be off on a trip and that they would be...

Why did the King take a second job as a bartender?

When it reigns it pours.

What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Patrick’s Day everyone wants to be Irish.

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King Arthur was preparing to go out on an expedition and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. He was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those horny knights of the Round Table. So he went to Merlin for some advice.

The good wizard showed him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt... except that it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

'This is no good, Merlin!' the king exclaimed, 'Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?'

'Ah, sire, just observe...

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A King hates fruits!

The king has a birthday and he asks that the guests don't bring him any fruit as gifts or he will put the fruits up their bottoms.

On his birthday, thousands of people come and everyone makes sure to bring gifts that the king would like. This one simple-minded guy brings an apple, so the King...

King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

The King’s Kidney

Long ago, one of kidneys of the King of Ethiopia was ruptured when the leash to his horse snapped, causing the horse to kick back in surprise. One of his bishops rushed to his side and offered a quick prayer.

“Oh God, I pray that our king’s kidney may be healed, and that he will live to rule...

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What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual norse monarchs?

Bikings

Empires are run by emperors, Kingdoms are run by kings

So Countries are run by...

I said to her: "Two more inches and I'd be King."

She replied: " Two inches less and you'd be a queen."

King Arthur returns home after a long battle and begins to suspect Gwendolyn has been unfaithful.

He orders his most trusted advisor, The Count, to see him.
King: Count, I want you to tell me if my wife has been faithful.
Count: I'm sorry your majesty, I'm sworn to secrecy.
King: What?! You swore an oath to me! Now tell me what has my wife been up to?
Count: I'm sorry your ...

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster

A king was visiting the training grounds with his swordmaster.

There was a crowd watching two fencers trade blows.

The first fencer performed an attack and the crowd gasped.

The king, who isn't into the sport, asked his swordmaster about the move.

"That's what you'd call ...

How does a kings son listen to music?

Heirpods

There was this company names "sofa king". But we didn't buy anything from them because...

the prices were sofa king high.

Good King Wenceslas phoned Domino's for a pizza...

^(The salesgirl asked him: Do you want your usual?, deep pan, crisp and even?)

There was a king.

Who has a princess.

King wanted to marry off princess with suitable someone.

He declared anyone who wants to marry his daughter shall pass three test.

1. He will have to drink 2 full barrel of wine.

2. and then fight and kill a hungry lion.

3. make her princess hap...

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A Vegan King is fed up of all the greens he has eaten so far

So he decrees that anyone who can introduce a new fruit or vegetable to him will be given 1,000 gold coins. However, if they bring up a fruit or vegetable that the king is familiar with, the same produce will be shoved up their butthole.

Excited for the prize, the common folk form a line outs...

What does a king call a vasectomy

An heir cut

A feudal peasant declares that he no longer wants to be a farmer. He wants to tear down his farm an build a nuclear reactor there instead. Further, he says that he fears no punishment from any peasant, soldier, or king.

Another peasant turns to him and asks: "uh, ok, but whattabout cher' noble?"

Why are people from Michigan such big fans of the Lion King?

They get to see lions winning for a change.

Lion king comes to the theaters and

Simba was moving slow so I told him to mufasa

Did you see the preview for the new Stephen King movie?

I’m excited to see It

Two English tourists were driving through Wales.At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch they stopped for lunch they asked the waitress: “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument.Can you pronounce where we are,very,very,slowly?"

The girl leaned over and said:

“Burrr… gurrr… King.”

What does a trumpet have in common with King Tut?

They have the fact that both toot in common

What do you call a Burger King on a deserted island?

Lord of the fries

The mad old King

Once upon a time there was a King who was quite mad, through and through.
So mad in fact, that he would kill every daughter his wife bore as he only wanted sons.
He lived in a huge castle right next to the sea.

The kingdom that this King ruled over stretched far and wide. All the good...

I'm standing right next to the rapper who collabed with Kendrick and Jay Rock in "King's Dead"

I can't believe my eyes. **I can see the Future!**

Where was king Solomon's temple located?

On his head.

King of the Crouton

Bobby Hill asks his father, Hank:

"What are the primary ingredients in a Caesar salad?"

Hank Hill responds:

"Dang it Bobby, that's an easy one.
Romaine and romaine accessories"

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Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

What do Seasons 1-5 of GOT and The Lion King prove?

Sometimes the greatest stories of our time have a healthy dose of incest

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What do you get when you cross king Midas, Medusa and Sigmund Freud?

One stone gold motherfucker.

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The F**king Tree (NSFW)

A man moves to a new town and looks for work. A couple of days pass by and he manages to find a job as a lumberjack. Only problem is, it's is a live-in position. Since the forest is located on the outskirts of the city, the man would be required to move out to the log cabin there and stay on premise...

TIL children had to stay a certain distance away from Kings in early England...

It was known as restricted heirspace.

A king was fed up by the constant jokes about the men in his kingdom being afraid of their wives.

He wanted to find a man who wasn't afraid of his wife and give him public honors and lavish him with gifts so other men may follow suit.

After some brainstorming in the court the king announced to his subjects that " if a man comes forward and publically say that he is NOT AFRAID of his wife...

Who's the king of all school supplies?

The ruler.

I had a realistic King Louie doll.

Then it's head fell off, making it even more realistic.

One day the king was hosting a competition

He gave every contestant a piece of lined paper, specifically with ten lines. “Write whatever you want on the paper, if you make me laugh, you win a full chest of gold. However if I don’t laugh, you will be sentenced to death” He said.

The first person came and wrote a funny story, using up a...

What do you call King Midas' balls?

Goldman Sachs

Where does the king keep is armies?

In his sleevies.

Once upon a time there lived a king of an ancient African tribe.

In this tribe everyone lived in huts made of dirt and grass. Everyone living in the tribe had huts that were only one story high, since no one had the means to build beyond that.


The king, however, being a wealthy and loved ruler, had a hut that was a magnificent two stories high.

...

I was walking past a homeless man when he yelled, "Stephen King is my older brother and he stole the ideas for all his novels from me!"

Unconvinced, I replied, "Surely, you must be Joe."

Why does Burger King exist?

So that he and Dairy Queen can live in the White Castle.

Bran The Broken was made king of the 6 kingdoms.

But what if Bran flakes?

The man was standing naked in front of the mirror, "just 5 more centimeters... 5 more centimeters and I could've been the king"

From the door, his wife giggled. " Just 5 less
centimeters and you could've been the queen instead"

Did you hear about the Furry Convention in King’s Landing this year?

It drag-on, and on, and on.

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A king enrolled his donkey in a race...

A king enrolled his donkey in a race and won.

Local papers read:
'KING's ASS WON'

The king was so upset with this kind of publicity. So he gave the donkey to the queen.

The local paper then read: "QUEEN HAS THE BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The king fainted....
Queen sold the...

An explorer in the African jungle heard about a plan to capture the legendary King Kong.

And sure enough when he came to a clearing there before him, imprisoned in a cage, sat the imposing figure of King Kong.


It occurred to the explorer that he could be the first person ever to touch the great ape and so tentatively he inched towards the cage. Since King Kong appeared quite ...

"I'm the King of Pop!"

said the needle to the balloon.

What is the night king’s favourite cereal

All-bran

How come nobody at the kings table laughed when he farted?

Because noble gases don't cause reactions.

Back in 1921, a member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king.



He proudly wrote a notice on the blackboard in his classroom:

"Professor Jennings informs his students that he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George."

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:...

Tina Turner was asked to invest in a rom-com reboot of Stephen King's clown movie

She asked, "what's love got to do with *It*?"

What do you call a snarky Russian king in a deep sinkhole?

A tsarchasm

What's it called when a King and Queen have no children?

A receding heir line...

Arya met the Night King for the first time.

Hence, she was just trying to break the ice with him.

A band of adventurers accept a quest, to slay the Ork King.

Before heading out to fight the Ork King, they head to town to hire a mercenary.
The first one is a swordsman, who asks for 1000 gold to join them.
The second is an archer, who wants 2000 gold for her services.
The last one is a Spearman, who is willing to do it just for the experienc...

A king was going on a conquest on a faraway land

He was going to be leaving his young wife in their castle for who knows how long. He thought to himself: "I don't know how long i will be away but i need to make sure no one will have intercourse with my wife while i am away".

So he put a chastity belt on his wife & kept the key. He begg...

3 thieves were brought to the king's palace for punishment

The king orders his men to hit them with a whip 50 times each but since the king was kind, he allowed all 3 of them to make a wish before their punishment.

The first guy asks for a pillow to be tied up on his back, which gets torn up after 10 whips and so he has to bear 40 whips

The se...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

What do you call a king that smokes weed?

Your highness

Last night, the Night King came and killed all my chickens

They are now white borkers.

How did King Kong find out he is allergic to latex?

By using a Kongdom

If horse racing is the "sport of kings"

is drag racing the sport of queens?

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper

What is The Night Kings favorite color?

Burnt Umber.

What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

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Once upon a time there lived a king and his nymphomaniac queen

King wasn't into sex but the queen has the burning desire to get f**ked in a hard way. She started to release herself by having sex with all the royal guards one at a time. Few days later king got wind of this news and was furious. He drugged his queen and with help of royal surgeon he implanted her...

King Hype Oten ruled all the land.

He was the magnificent king of the Triangular Kingdom, but he was also the executor for those on trial. He hung his victims, a sign to everyone else. But the way he tied the noose was strange. It would kill people in seconds, and for some, it decapitated them. After he died, the noose was never used...

"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

If King Kong ever went to China, he'd be called

Ching Chong

When Stephen King was born

No one knew he had It coming.

Young King Arthur

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

There’s a queen a king and a Mongolian slave Child in a hotel. How many people are there?

None the queen is a bed the king is also a bed and slaves are property.

If a lion is the king of the jungle...

Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?

Pluto, king of the Underworld, may be terrifying, but deep down he’s just depressed.

He’s trying to cope with it, but Charon took the kids.

Ace King for a friend

Is it a good hand for a pre-flop raise?

Why did King Arthur's wife never get pregnant?

His pull out game was legendary!

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