The 47+ Best Scott Jokes

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

What does a Travis Scott concert and the Titanic have in common?

The music doesn’t stop when people start dying.

I don’t get it..Travis Scott is trash, but it seems everyone is dying to see him live

Whoops.

Did you hear about Travis Scott’s latest performance?

He really crushed it

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

My mate Scott just got out of jail.

He got out.

Scotts Free!!!

Do you know why Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott got divorced?

He told her she looks like a million bucks.

Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company!

They are calling it Space-Ex’s and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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Sex with me is like Scott Frank's Emmy speech

Stop the music, I'm not done

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scott go into a bar:

The three men order themselves a pint. In a strange coincidence a fly lands in each mans brew.
The Englishman says, "I, I cont drink this. May i ave another?"
The Scot grunts and chugs his beer down fly and all.
The Irishman leans down really close, grabs the fly by it's wing and screams "S...

John, Paddy and Scott are on a trip in Saudi Arabia.

Paddy is driving his little red car, which has seen better days. John and Scott are drunk in the back.

Suddenly, ahead of them, they see an oil well on fire.
The firefighters are unsuccessfully trying to extinguish the flames.

Paddy drives straight over the well, blocking the oxygen...

Costco Doctor

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, John says to Scott, “My elbow hurts like hell.

I guess I'd better see a doctor."

“Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Scott replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer ...

Scott Morrison rang the Queen...

..."Make Australia a Kingdom", he said, "and I'll be the king."

The Queen replied "I will make it a country, and you can stay what you are..."

Jealous of the success of the Travis Scott burger, Kylie Jenner has signed a deal with a competing chain.

Coming soon: Eat Kylie's Taco at a Taco Bell near you.

Jim, Scott, and Alex check into a hotel.

Jim, scott,and Alex check into a hotel and find out they’ll have to walk up 30 flights of stairs because the elevator is broken. To pass time while they walk, Jim decides he’ll tell jokes, Scott will sing songs, and Alex will tell sad stories. So Jim tells jokes for 10 flights, Scott sings songs for...

I've been hired to research vehicles for Scott Van Pelt's new fur delivery company

My business card reads *Scott Van Pelt Pelt Van Scout*

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Scott was completely bald, and clean shaven.

He visited a naturopath seeking advice for curing his malady.

"Every day for three months rub the secretions of a woman's vagina on your head." Advised the naturopath.

Three month's later he returned.

"You dirty bastard!" exclaimed the naturopath when he saw Scott's luxurious mo...

John, Bob, Tim, and Scott rob a bank.

John is the getaway driver who waits in the lot. Bob disables the alarms, Tim unlocks the safe, and Scott is able to locate the marked bills. Bob and Tim leave the bank and John drives them away.

They got off Scott-free.

Protesters pulled down a statue of Francis Scott Key last weekend

Francis Got Keystered.

My friends Scott and Ruth broke up after a long-term relationship.

He's now ruthless and she got off, scott free.

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

During his questioning, Jeffrey Epstein revealed that he would never abduct a child named Scott.

All of his clients got off Scott free.

What would Soviet Travis Scott name his album?

Cosmoworld

OJ Simpson, Scott Peterson, and Oscar Pistorius walk into a bar...

...all three order a Bloody Mary.

Some Say Ridley Scott, others say Johan Harstad.

Astronaut 1: So how are you liking space?

Astronaut 2: It's neat, but I can't find milk for my coffee.

Astronaut 1: In space, no one can; here, use cream.

What does Farmer Travis Scott do when his crops are ready?

He goes Sickle Mode

If Mr. Spock has pointy ears, what does Mr. Scott have?

Engineers

I keep seeing references to F. Scott Fitzgerald.

I don't know who this Scott Fitzgerald fellow is but he sure angered a lot of people.

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Donald, Scott, Ted & a Mexican guy are walking on a beach...

Donald Trump, Scott Walker, Ted Cruz & a Mexican guy are walking along a beach when They notice a lamp in the sand. All 4 men reach for it at the same time.

Upon touching it, a genie pops out. The genie says: "Normally, I'd grant 3 wishes to one person, but since you've all touched the ...

An English man ,a Scott’s man ,and an Irish man got on a plane.

The English man had a brick the Scott’s man had a knife and the Irish man had a bomb.
Midway through the flight the English man dropped his brick and when he got home he found his mother crying in the garden. He asked what is wrong and she said your dad was sitting in the garden and it hit him ...

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Scott Baio is Boycotting Dick's Sporting Goods Because of the Ban on AR-15s

Dick's had to find a cashier to replace him on short notice

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These two guys , Scott and Steve die in a horrible plane crash

As they approach the pearly gates they come upon an able bodied administrator who goes by the name of Peter. This saintly individual welcomes them and says, we are a bit backed up today so we can offer you a visit with some of your fallen comrades while you wait if this pleases you. They quickly ...

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An Irishman was telling a Scott about his trouble sleeping.

The Scott asks if he’s tried counting sheep. The Irishman says that stuff doesn’t work, it’s for wee babes in mums aarms. The Scott says, “Ney laddie, werks ever time. But ‘ye got ta meek it reel lifey like in yer heed. See ever lil’ detail, ever lil’ soond dontcha do any meer wandrin bye.”
...

A Russian, an Irishman and a Scott walks into a bar..

Just kidding. They never left the bar in the beginning

When the human body dies, what's the last part to die?

The pupils. They dilate.

Scott Pruitt steps down as head of the EPA today

Scott blew it.

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An Old Scott

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-F...

Why do the Scotts wear kilts?

Because in the Highlands, sheep can hear zippers for *miles*.

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A Brit, a Scott, and an Irishman...

So a Britt, a Scott, and an Irishman walk into a bar. They all sit down and order their ales of choice. While they are talking, a fly dives into each of their ales. Disgusted, the Brit says, "Bartender a new ale please" and continues drinking his new ale. The Scott looks at the fly in his ale and co...

Any Irishman and a Scott have a duel at a bar...

The irishman exclaims, "You Scottish can't drink! We Irish are the best drinkers!"

Scott exclaims, "Ye don no wha ye takin boot! Any scott can drink any irishman under ye table!"

The two drink to the early morning. Who wins?

The bartender.

I have 5 uncles. Scott, Daniel, Bob, Tate,

And the one that works at Nintendo.

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Paddy Irish man paddy English mandatory and paddy Scotts man, are trying to join CIA...

They have passed all the tests and have one final challenge to get in. Paddy English man is first he walks in and the agent hands him a gun and says all you have to do is walk into that room and shoot the person at the other side of the table. He walks into the room and the light comes on and his wi...

Golfer Adam Scott's wife had a baby today

It was a cesarean

But he didn't make the cut.

Bed of ants

Three young men were traveling in the same car one day. The first man was an Englishman, the second was Irish, and the third was Scottish. It was late, so they went to a hotel to pass the night.

When they got to the hotel, the three men realized that the place was filled up, and only three be...

My three sons are gonna hate me...

once I name them Prescott, Scott, and Postscott

Two old people playing golf

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.

"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."

"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"...

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