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Arthur Jokes

Arthur Guinness

The leaders of the big beer companies meet for a drink. The president of Budweiser orders a bud, the Ceo of Miller gets a Miller, the head of coors orders a coors, and so on. Until it's Arthur Guinness's turn, he orders a soda. "Why didn't you order a Guinness?" everyone asks. "Nah" Guinness replies...

The women of King Arthur's court must have been very happy

They Camelot

King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease

... and only an old ugly witch can cure him. But the witch demanded a young handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her. On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and ...

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Arthur..

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his...

King Arthur

King Arthur was preparing to go out on an adventure and would be away from Camelot for an indefinite period of time. But King Arthur was worried about leaving Queen Guinevere alone with all those Knights of the Round Table. So he went to see Merlin to see if he had a solution.

Merlin, the wiz...

Which of King Arthur's knights was chosen to make the round table?

Sir Cumference

Arthur is 75 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 15 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. “That’s it,” he tells his wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”

His wife sympathises and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”

“That’s no good,” sighs Arthur, “your brother is 85. He can’t help.”

“He may be 85,” says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”

So th...

Just How Smart Was Einstein?

This is a TRUE STORY but hopefully you will find some humor in it.

Back in the early 70s, when I was a college student, I took care of the yard of a lonely widower, named Arthur, who occasionally asked me to join him for a game of chess. He resided in Paradise Valley, AZ. During WWII, Arth...

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One day, King Arthur had to leave Camelot to go for a diplomatic hunt. Worried about his wife's potential infidelity, he asks Merlin to fashion her a chastity belt...

Merlin assures the king that anything that is put through the hole in the chastity belt will be immediately cut off with magic.

Satisfied, King Arthur goes on his hunt. When he returns several days later, he immediately goes to the Knights of the Round Table and asks all of them to drop thei...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....

King Arthur had insomnia in the days before he lost his last battle...

Too many sleepless knights.

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King Arthur goes on a crusade

But is worried about his wife having sex with other men. So he goes to a locksmith and asks:

-Hello my dear friend you see I'm heading out for a crusade and I'm worried about my wife's purity.

-Say no more my king I think I have just right thing for your sorrows. Look this my latest ...

Many people know of King Arthur and his Knights of The Round Table.

However, most people do not know who first proposed and created the round table: Sir Cumfrence.

Who did King Arthur leave in charge of security?

Sir Veillance

A friend of mine is so into medieval stories that he continuously goes through all the members of King Arthur's round table.

Knight, after knight, after knight after knight.....

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

King Arthur

King Arthur is about to set out on the quest to find the Holy Grail, but he's worried about Guinevere’s faithfulness while he's away. So he visits Merlin to discuss his concerns.
"Don't worry my liege, I have the perfect device to ensure your wife stays pure" and he produces a rather odd looking ...

King Arthur is on a mission and must leave the castle.

He worries that his wife, Queen Guinevere, may not stay faithful to him while he goes on his journey. So, he devises a belt that would poison the member of any man who attempts to have intercourse with her. The flesh will rot away, and it will need to be chopped off. With everything in place, he lea...

Who's the roundest knight at King Arthur's court?

Circumference.

King Arthur and the Witch

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

Why was King Arthur's army too tired to fight?

He had too many SLEEPLESS knights!

Alternative answer:

Because they Came A Lot.

King Arthur asked a wood maker apprentice to make a table.

He was so impressed with the Table Round result, that he knighted him on the spot: Sir Cumference.

King Arthur was about to embark on a long crusade.

Before doing so he called to Merlin to devise a cunning chastity belt for Guinevere. The belt contained a miniature guillotine.

Upon his return, he called to his Knights of the Round Table and had them all strip from the waist down.

One by one, he went to each knight and shook his hea...

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Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex

Many people think that King Arthur didn’t have very much sex because he only had one son. But, if you think about the sword in the stone, his pull out game is what made him king in the first place.

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King Arthur's shortest Knight.

Once there was a man who wanted be a Knight of the Round table. He had all the qualifications, but he was under 3 feet tall. He journeyed to Camelot to gain audience with King Arthur.

When he appeared before the court, all the other knights made fun and heckled him mercilessly. He though...

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Fucking Arthur

While at grandparent's house, mom came into the living room and asked Johnny, "Where's Grandma?"

"Fucking Arthur ," replied Johnny.

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" screamed mommy.

"I don't know, but Grandpa keeps yelling, 'Fucking Arthur Writis!' at her upstairs."

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King Arthur is preparing to leave Camelot on a lengthy quest, but news has reached his ears that his wife may have taken on a lover.

"But... *who*...?" he asks Merlin.




"Fear not, Arthur - I know how we can protect Guinevere's chastity in your absence and also discover the identity of her lover. Watch this!"




The magician snapped his fingers and, into thin air, appeared a magical, samite chast...

Arthur and the nun

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devi...

An Arthur episode was banned in Alabama

In the episode the kids learn that their favorite teacher is about to get married and follow him around they see him meet a woman who they assume is his wife. They don’t like her so they try to stop the wedding. In the end it turns out that the woman was his sister and that their teacher was marryin...

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I heard King Arthur had a sex addiction [NSFW]

He came a lot

King Arthur

King Arthur is heading off to war, but he’s a bit worried about Guinevere alone in the castle with some rowdy knights. So he goes to Merlin who shows him a chastity belt. The problem is it has a large hole in the most important spot. “This won’t work,” he says. Just then Merlin takes a stick and...

8-year-old Arthur went to his father to ask him something.

- Dad, what’s the name of that thing where one person lies on top of another?
Arthur’s father was shocked with the question, but he decided to tell him:
- My son, I don’t know how I should explain this to you. It’s called se—
- Wait, dad, I’ve remembered it! It’s a bunk bed!

What happened when Sir Lancelot met Arthur's queen, Guinevere?

He Camelot.

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Why did King Arthur participate in so many video conferences?

Because he likes to be on cam a lot.

Before leaving for a battle, King Arthur puts a strong iron chastity belt on his wife Guinevere and entrusts the key to his most loyal knight, Eddie. Then King Arthur departs.

Five minutes into his journey, King Arthur hears Eddie screaming for him to stop. King Arthur signals his steed to halt and waits for Eddie to catch up.

"Eddie!" the king says, "What's the matter?"

"Your highness," says Eddie. "You gave me the wrong key."

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I think we all know King Arthurs knights

But, there were also others, who choose to stay in the background, but played a huge part.

First, and formost, the guy who made the round table. Sir Confarence

On second place, there was a knight, who sadly lost his life before he was publicly dubbed, saving king Arthur in a surprise r...

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Arthur gets a call from the Doctor

D: Arthur, its Doctor Moss. We got the test results back for your wife.

A: What is it Doc? What's the problem?

D: Well, that's the thing. We've narrowed it down to 2 possibilities. Either she has Alzheimers, or AIDS.

A: Ok so what do I do?

D: Take her for a drive and drop...

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Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

King Arthur must depart to the battlefield.

He requests that the Knights of the Round Table remained within the castle walls in order to protect its citizens should an attack arise. Skeptical of his Queen's loyalty, and the men's self-control, the King asks Merlin to cast a spell on her.

*Should anyone lie with this woman in bed,
th...

Arthur and Friends

The members of King Arthur's Round Table were always tired because they were on the knight shift.

But they did like to party. One day after a boisterous gathering, the purest knight of all kept asking everyone who was awake, "Did you see the gal I had?

When did King Arthurs men pract...

Arthur was having a walk and he saw a procession.

First, he saw two coffins. After that, he saw a man holding a *rotweiller* dog, followed by a really long line, only with men.

When the procession stopped, Arthur went to that man and asked:

\- What happened? Who died?

\- Well, it was my wife! My dog killed her!

\- Seriou...

King Arthur has set on his noble mission to drive away the barbarians

Before he left , he called his close friend,Sir Lancelot.

"My bride Guinevere is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to u...

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King Arthur leaves the country to go to war

Before leaves he goes to the town's blacksmith and orders him to do a chastity belt for the queen with the logic of the guillotine. Before leaving he tells his trusted friend and adviser , sir Lancelot, to bring the court together and inform everyone of this.

When the king returns he tells si...

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.

Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

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A student was leaving the room, the teacher asked: "Arthur, where are you going so circumspect?"

He replied: "I was going to shit, but now I'm going to look for a dictionary".

Burt and Arthur are playing golf

As Burt is eyeing in a putt on the 14th, a funeral procession drives slowly down the road right next to the green. Burt drops his putter, removes his hat, bows his head and mutters in a respectful manner.
 

Arthur congratulates Burt on his display of respect and says he didn’t kn...

Arthur was looking outside as the snow begin to fall,

and his wife, Martha, yelled from the other room "They said on the radio we need to park on the odd side of the street for the plows tonight!"

"Ok, I'll move the car then!" and he moved the car to the odd side of the street.

A few nights later another snow storm was due. "Arthur, the ...

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A teacher was giving her students a lecture about good manners.

She wanted to test how they would act in a certain circumstance, so she asked:
- Derek, imagine that you’re having dinner with a girl you love, and you suddenly want to go to the restroom during the meal. What would you say to her in this situation?
- “Stay right there, I’m going to pee.”
-...

What does Arthur say when he makes an amazing discovery?

Excalibur!

Caitlyn Jenner receives ESPY Arthur Ashe Award for Courage

Courage? More like a lack of balls

King Arthur and his Knights met a pilgrim…

King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table met a pilgrim who claimed he found the burial site of Joseph of Arimathea in Scotland. As quick as they could, they set out to track down the best clue to the location of the Holy Grail. It was a long hard ride, across fens and through forests.

O...

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I just adore this one from Arthur Koestler.

Under the reign of the second emperor of the Ming Dynasty there lived an executioner by the name of Wang Lun. He was a master of his art and his fame spread through all of the provinces of the Empire. There were many executions in those days, and sometimes as many as fifteen or twenty men to be behe...

What did King Arthur say when his wife asked if he failed No Nut November?

"Yeah, I Camelot"

Arthur is 90 years old, and played golf every day since he went into retirement....

So one day Arthur, who is 90 years old, comes home to his 93 year old wife exasperated. "That was the last straw" he says, "I'm stopping with golf because my eyesight is so bad that whenever I hit the ball I have no idea where it lands, and I lose it!".

His wife makes him a cup of coffee. Whi...

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

What did King Arthur say when asked about Lancelot's betrayal?

"I don't want to talk about it, I've had a bad knight."


Bonus joke:

Why should you hire submariners?

They have experience working under pressure.

King Arthur wasn't pleased with the quality of his new table.

The carpenter had cut some corners.

Back in medieval times King Arthur had a knight that collected taxes

His name was Sir Charge

Arthur C Clarke, CS Lewis & JRR Tolkien walk into a bar...

Clarke, Lewis and Tolkien walk into a bar arguing about how characters should travel.

Clarke says they should take a spaceship and Tolkien says they should walk. Lewis says that can just step through a wardrobe.

When asked how that's possible Lewis says "Narnia business"

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In an old folks home, Gladys notices that Arthur's been looking down lately

She walks over and asks him what's wrong. Arthur tells her "Lately I've been feeling especially lonely at night. Before she passed away, my wife would sleep next to me and hold my willy to help me feel safe and loved".

Gladys thinks about it and decides that there's no harm in offering to sle...

[OC] Why don't dyslexics like the story of King Arthur?

They think it's about the romance and majesty of Camelto.

Did you know that a cow had a seat on King Arthur's roundtable?

His name was Sir Loin.

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