UPJOKE
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Crook Jokes

What does a crook see with?

Burglarize

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What do you call a rabbit with a crooked dick?

Fucks Funny

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night

when a robber with a ski mask bursts in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "O...

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A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

I've got a lot of puns about people with crooked teeth

You'd better brace yourself

did you hear about the crook who stole a calendar

he got 12 months

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It’s difficult to have sex with my crooked penis.

But my girlfriend bends over backwards to accommodate me.

What's the difference between a politician and a crook?

No, seriously, I can't tell.

The Jalapeño went to the doctor, complaining of back pain. The doctor noticed it was crooked.

Turns out, he had Scovilleosis

Hillary's so crooked...

she needs a Kaine for support.

Huge spike in auto-burglaries where crooks cut openings through top of convertibles.

Police spokesman says this type of crime is “through the roof.”

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Bill is having a few drinks at the pub with his mates

"Aww, things are crook at home" he says. "The missus is charging me $20 for a fuck each time"
His mates all look at each other and one says, "That's pretty good Bill, she charges us $50 a time"

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An East End gang boss had always been very careful with whom he employed, for fear of being grassed up...

He thought he'd been really clever in hiring a crooked accountant who was deaf and dumb. There wasn't
much of a risk that he would overhear too much. However, it quickly dawned on the boss that
someone was stealing money from him. A lot of money. And it didn't take long for him to discover it<...

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Of course trump will challenge the results. He will not take no for an answer.

Just ask Ivana trump, Jill hearth, Jean carrol, summer zervos, alva Johnson, Jessica leeds, Kristen Anderson, Lisa boyne, Cathy heller, temple McDowell, Amy dorris, Karena Virginia, karen Johnson, mindy mcgillivary, Jennifer Murphy, Rachael crooks, Natasha stoynoff, juillet huddy, Jessica drake, nin...

Pablo Escobar gets his comeuppance

Back when Pablo Escobar was still a small time crook, he was known for peddling his product in the shady street corners of his home town.

One day during said nefarious activities, a bunch of local children rode by on their bikes and recognized his face. They promptly reported the heinous crim...

What type of pasta do crooked musical writers like?

Rigatoni

A politician, a liar and a crooked man enter in a bar.

He sits down and drinks coffee.

Someone said I couldn’t tell a pun about crooked teeth

Well brace yourselves!!!!

What do you call a clown and a crook rolling in feces?

The US elections.

Crooks just seem to be phoning it in these days

That’s at least how our president likes to do it.

What do you call a beach with crooked waves? [OC]

A Scoli-ocean!

(Came up with that recently, hope it tickles your funny bone)

Little Billy

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amus...

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

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A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town.

The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “ju...

Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?

He cleaned out every crook and nanny.

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?

Brace yourself.

A young blind man is staring vacantly at the dairy aisle at the grocers.

A staff member comes up and asks if she can help him.

“Yes, ma’am. Can you tell me what milk is?” She seems perplexed but answers “well, milk is a white drink.”

“Ahh, now I know what a drink is… but what is white?” The woman is further unsure of the whole situation but thinks and says ...

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

A lier, crook, and murderer walks into a bar....

The bartender asks, "What'll it be, Mrs. Clinton?"

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A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,

"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked

The priest looked at her and sa...

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My terrible cake day joke

I had a crooked dick then i got a blowjob from a chick with braces. Now it’s so straight i can prove the earth is round.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

Politicians in the US remind me of British teeth.

Some are sharp, most are white, and all are crooked.

Victim (after burglary): They stole everything from my house but the soap and towels.

Cop: Those dirty crooks.

Politician

I knew a politician who was so crooked, when he died he had to be screwed into the ground

$8 Bill

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a $10 bill. He decided to try it out anyway, so he went to the bank and asked for change.

The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two $4 bills as change.

Whiskey business

Two Chinese crooks break into a distillery.

One crook says to the other, "Is this whiskey?"

The other one replies, "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

A redneck goes up to a Catholic church in the South

He stands there for a little while and soon an old lady walks up to him

She asks, "Excuse me sir, is mass out"


He tips his hat and says, "No ma'm but your hats on crooked"

Life is not fair

My mom said i couldn’t get a lightsaber but she bought herself a purple lightsaber, to make matters worse, it vibrates and it’s in some crooked shape, but on the bright side, it’s short.

What do bent lines and wartorn countries have in common?

Crooked Rulers.

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

A rather drunk lieutenant formed up the platoon:

"Soldiers, why is the formation so crooked?"
"Because the Earth is round!" - someone called out.
"Who said that?"
"Galileo."
"Galileo, step forward!"
"But he has died long ago!"
"So then?! People here are dying, and no one is reporting this to me?"
...

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Family ties, or is we kin?

Two good ol' boys in a Tennessee trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local factory.


After a few beers, the first guy says to the second,

"If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your ...

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A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender: "If I show you something you've never seen before, can I drink for free?"

The bartender looks skeptical.

"Ive seen a lot of things bud, but sure, lets see what you got."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a very small piano and sets it on the bar. Then he takes out a man, about a foot tall, wearing a very fancy tuxedo and sets him on the bar ...

Ode to Hillary

Ode to Hillary

There was a crooked woman, and she wore a crooked smile
She found a crooked dollar and she dodged a crooked trial
She bought a crooked server, and wed a crooked spouse
And they all lived together in a little crooked house

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."

A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs....

...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!

What is green and broken ?

A crooked-ile.

A Rabbi Joke

"Rabbi Schomburg, I need 200 dollars badly for a down payment", said Cohen. "I keep praying to God for help but he doesn't send any!" "The important thing is not to lose faith", the rabbi said. "Just keep praying." After Cohen left, the rabbi felt sorry for him. He decided to give him 100 dollars ou...

Another parrot joke.

A boy decides he'd like to have a parrot. But searching around he finds that they are all very expensive. He finally finds one at a discount a a local pet shop but it has a crooked beak.

He decides to buy it anyway because he's read on the internet that it can be carefully filed straight. ...

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven.

3 women are in a horrible car crash and go to heaven. As they are approaching the gates of heaven they notice there are ducks that cover almost every inch of heaven. They ask St. Peter about the ducks.

“They are very sacred creatures and if you step on 1 you will be handcuffed to an ugly per...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

Did you know that all the employees of Thomas’ English Muffins are former embezzlers and child care workers?

They’re nothing but crooks and nannies

A nun wakes up late for church....

She runs out after quickly getting dressed, and asks a small boy, "Is mass out?"

He replies, "No but your hat's on crooked."

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A boy sits in class watching the clock when the teacher stands up in front of the class

And tells the class since there isn't much time before the end of class and it was Friday she will play a game with them. She explains the rules.

Teacher: Guess which president said the quote and you can leave early.

The boy is excited this is his favorite subject and he knows he is go...

Cletus takes out a loan for a new truck.

He keeps up with the payments, and everything seems to be going well, when suddenly the bank repossesses it without warning.

He decides to go to the police, and it turns out he's not the only person who's been ripped off by this particular bank.

After talking to the police chief, it'...

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My dad is like a boomerang

As a kid no matter how hard I tried I couldn't get that crooked piece of shit to come back

Nicaragua just signed the Paris Climate Agreement, leaving the US and Syria as the only nations not in the agreement.

It's interesting. One of these countries is a corrupt, remote wasteland headed straight into chaos, pitting religious fundamentalists headed by a crooked tyrant against the majority of the people, and the other one is Syria.

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My Chinese Wife: Lost in Translate

This isn't a joke, but a true story and a lesson for those who dare tackle racial boundaries. I spent a couple years living in China (I have no Chinese heritage whatsoever), where I met my wife, who speaks Mandarin & some English as a 2nd language. Her English is good, but she struggles with s...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stop in their persuit of some crooks to check for tracks. Tonto presses his ear to the ground, sits up slowly and says thoughtfully "Hmmmm...buffalo come".
Amazed the Lone Ranger asks "Wow! How did you know that?!"
Tonto replies "Ear stick to ground"

Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention?

The police ended up searching every crooked nanny

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

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A mouse was sitting in a bar having a drink when a beautiful giraffe came in and sat down at the end of the bar. The mouse looked over at her and ordered her a drink...

Soon he had moved down beside her and ordered her another drink.

After a third round, the bartender looked up and they were leaving the bar together.

The next day the mouse limped into the bar, barely crawled up on the barstool and sat there gasping for air.

His whiskers were b...

Two construction workers are eating lunch together

"Say, friend," says the one, "do you like fat women with long greasy hair?"

"Not on your life!"

"Do you like them with cross-eyes, big noses, and flat faces?"

"Never!"

"Maybe you like girls with crooked teeth and bad breath?"

"Of course not!"

Silence fell fo...

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There is a young man who lives a terrible life.

He had to go to school AND go to work, but his teacher hated him and would fail him for every test he took, and his boss was so cheap and crooked, he was barely making any money at all even after working for him for years. On top of that, he was hated so much by his co-worker and that there was an a...

I call my glasses...

I call my glasses congress because they are old and crooked.

If President Trump passes away while in office, he will never admit it because...

...he'll continue tweeting denials about it from the grave:

===

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>>###Yes, it is true - Tupac Shakur, the great Afro-American musician, called me about getting together for a meeting. We met, HE IS A GREAT GUY!

>>— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) Decembe...

Country Politics

A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer''s barn.

The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, s...

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How to feed a cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

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[Original joke] [Long] A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and orders a gin and tonic with ice. The bartender nods and prepares the drink. A few moments later, he hands the man a glass of gin and tonic, with no ice. The man notices and points out the mistake to the bartender.

The bartender smiles. "Sorry, I had to remove the ic...

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A middle aged man is turning 40 and he's feeling severely depressed,

so he decides he'll treat himself to a prostitute. He and his companion for the evening retire to a motel room and he sits down on the side of the bed. The john starts untying his shoes and eventually slips off his socks.

In utter shock, the lady of the night gasps and says "What the fuck is ...

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