UPJOKE
rejectturn downdenyspurngarbagedisdainscornpooh-poohwastedefyresistdeclinelandfillturn awaypass up

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

If a child refuses a nap

are they resisting arrest?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to believe I was dyslexic and gay...

I was in Daniel

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job at the highway department

But when I got home...

All the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate myself so much, I refuse to masturbate

I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction.

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

If someone refuses to sleep during nap time

They are guilty of resisting a-rest.

Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography?

Because he's the reel deal.

Although the World is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races.

Marathons are awful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

Today I read that there are people who refuse to set up sanitary installations for basic hand hygene in their bath rooms.

When the realiziation hit me, I was like: Let that sink in!

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face.

Seriously, my parents are the worst.

Why did the vampire refuse to attend the interdepartmental meeting?

He didn’t want to face that many stakeholders.

Why did the fisherman refuse to share his catch ?

He was shell fish.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I quit my job at the Helium factory today

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?

Because he was Lacoste intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a nun refused to have sex with me, on religious gounds.

So we went next door.

An unhappy couple go to a marriage counselor

He tries to work with them, but they absolutely refuse to talk about anything in front of each other. The counselor gets fed up, gets his bass out, and starts playing it.

The couple sit there looking at each other dumbfounded. The counselor keeps playing. After several minutes of this, the c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Johnny Depp refuses to get another dose of the vaccine

He says he now has Heard immunity

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

I had a girlfriend in highschool but then she left me

The other day, she came back saying she wants us to get back together. I refused.

It's not like anything has changed. She still likes rich guys and I still like teenage girls.

I refuse to throw out the liquid on top of my yogurt.

That would be wheystful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cake day repost: Sorry!!!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

Did I ever tell you about the time my friend had an exorcism and refused to pay?

He got… Repossessed.

Why did the farmer refuse to get his cattle off the top of the mountain?

The steaks were too high.

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.

An American biker decides to travel the world [ Long]

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

My partner refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

Guess I have to duet alone.

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

I refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving this year!

I am going to stop cold Turkey!

What happens if you refuse to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

How did the hipster refuse a romantic engagement?

He said he was bespoken for

Why did the anarchist refuse to put his finger up his ass?

Because he didn't want to feel prostate.

After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.

What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"

Noah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

Did you hear about the guy who refused to stop pretending to be an apple crumble?

He got taken into custardy.

What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up ?

A Nightmare.

A sailor reported for duty on a ship set to spend months at sea.

On the first day the captain takes the new recruit on a tour of the ship.
He shows him the engine room, the helm, the quarters taking him all over the ship. They end the tour in the captain's office where the captain closes the door behind him and tells the sailor "Oh and one more thing, Seeing a...

100% of sinks get refused entry to bars....

Let that sink in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday, I was walking down the street when I met a gorgeous blonde woman with perfect breasts who was almost as tall as me. She offered to have sex with me if I advertised a car, but I refused because my priorities are high.

But not as high as the quality of the 2022 Honda CRV.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

The priest and the sinking ship

A ship is sinking and the passengers are rushing to rescue boats to leave the shipwreck. On the ship there is a priest who refuses to get on the boats.



The lifeguard says "get on the boat priest, we have to go".


The priest says "No, god will save me, give my seat to someone...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a supercilious king who liked hunting.

To show off his abilities, He went in a jungle to kill a lion with only one bullet in his revolver. He waited in bush for lion to come. After a few hours, a lion showed up. He aimed at lion and fired his only bullet. He missed and lion ran away. He became upset and screamed, "HOLY SHIT, I F\*\*KING ...

My boyfriend told me he refuses to date girls named Rachel....

....I accused him of Rachel discrimination.

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

Woman at the doctor

Woman ask doctor: "My child refuse to eat fish. How can I adequatelly replace it?"
Doctor's answer: "With cat. Cat eats fish"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

God will save me

A man was out swimming one morning when suddenly he was swept out to sea. The man didn't panic though, for he knew in his heart, that God would save him. After treading water some time, along comes a kid on a small sail boat.
The kid see the man, waves,

"Howdy mister! Need some help?" <...

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

Why are vampires very bad Product Managers?

Because they refuse to meet with stake holders

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

Road trip

Grandma needed a ride to a family wedding in another state but refused to let anyone give her a ride because she had always heard that the roads were so dangerous.

Finally, her grandson convinced her that we would take her down a road that hasn't had any accidents on it in years and ever show...

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When Italy became a Catholic country, the Pope decreed that all Jews in the Vatican must convert or leave

When they refused, the pope offered them a deal: He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the pope won, they would have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people picked their wisest rabbi to represent them in the deba...

The Legend of Saint Andrew

While Jesus was on the cross, several of his disciples were in the crowd nearby. When Jesus spotted Andrew, he called out to him "Andrew! Andrew!" At this, Saint Andrew pushed his way through the crowd, "Yes Lord! What is it?". The Roman guards saw the commotion and roughly bashed Andrew back with t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married woman comes home early and finds her husband

having ferocious sex with a young attractive woman in their marital bed. She immediately says:

“You bastard, you son of a bitch, I’m calling my lawyer and divorcing you this minute, after all The love and devotion I have given you all these years, this is how you repay me?!!”

The husb...

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy and his gf want to find a hobby to share

She suggests to sign up for dance lessions, but the guy refuses.

She asks him why, and he says "i just don't like to do things i'm not good at"

She then asks him "then why you keep fucking me?"

(Based on a true story)

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

The Electric Bus

It’s a new day in the world of public school transportation as the fleet has been switched over to electric powered buses. Everything has been working out wonderfully except for ongoing issues with bus 118.

Not every day, but at least once a week, bus 118 would be out on it’s run when there ...

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

UPS refused to send my item with USPS pre-paid shipping

Come on man, it’s just one letter!

Little Jhonny was an only child.

After hearing from his friends that had younger siblings how fun it was to take care, play, and sometimes pick on them, he got extremely jealous and began to wish very badly for a little brother. So everyday he would beg his parents for them to have another baby. His parents, however, really didn't ...

I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar

Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, real...

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only miner injuries.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

I was in the interrogation room last night, but I refused to say a word.

I don't think I should be a policeman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

cruise ship

There was a couples only cruise. Hundreds of people were on board. Unfortunately, the ship capsized, killing everyone on board.

At the pearly gates, the first couple approaches St. Peter, asking to be admitted into heaven. St. Peter refused to admit the husband, saying:

*"You loved su...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things w...

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

Johnny and Susie were playing naked, wondering why they have different “parts”

When Johnny got home he asked his mother why he had a stick and Susie had a hole. Johnny’s mother said “oh son, you have a Ferrari, and Susie has a garage; the time will come and you’ll park your Ferrari in her garage”

When Susie got home she asked her father why she had a hole and Johnny had...

The girl who works at the car rental company refuses to go out with me

and it really Hertz.

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.