I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I refuse to listen to music on new types of music players.

I guess I just have an 8-track mind.

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused.

Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

A guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 50ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay

Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

What did they call Bruce Lee when he refused to smile?

SeriousLee

My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refuse to believe I'm dyslexic and gay

I'm in Daniel

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg?

Because its beauty was only shin deep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is at her gynecologist appointment

Ten minutes in she asks the doctor to kiss her. He politely refuses. Five minutes later she insists. Again, he tells her he can’t.

Finally she says “Doctor, I really need you to kiss me”.

He shakes his head and says, “I really shouldn’t even be fucking you.”

A pair of Estranged brothers.

There once were two brothers born to a somewhat well off family. The younger one was exemplary. He always excelled in his classes, went to the best university in the country, and became a renowned lawyer. The older one was pretty average. He was the middle of his class, went to a local community col...

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I had enough and finally quit my job at the helium plant today.

I refuse to be spoken to in that tone of voice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wanted to become a rich and famous painter...

But he lacked the skills. So the Devil came to him and said "I will make you a world class painter, you'll be rich and famous. In exchange, I want your soul." The painter agreed, and Lucifer snapped his fingers. A set of brushes appeared, which Satan quickly possessed. After being possessed by Satan...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 

The four brothers walked...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

There was a very wealthy Count named Carl.

He always threw extravagant parties and almost everyone loved him, but almost no one knew where he got his massive wealth from.

One day, some law enforcement got suspicious of Count Carl’s wealth and went to him demanded to know where it was coming from. Count Carl refused to tell them, howe...

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

Court Ruling from the UK

A seven year old boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should’ve custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulation...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn’t at least 10% off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...

He says, ‟We have been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was ont rich in life, I'd like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace.”

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and...

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you... won’t be covered.”

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

An old couple was realizing they were losing their memory

They decided they would go to a doctor to see about the problem

The doctor said “Well, there isn’t very much I can do, but you could try one thing.”

“What’s that?” They said

“You could try writing everything down, so if you ever forgot something, you would have a reference.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck girl asks her dad for twenty bucks to go to the movies.

"Alright," he father says, "But you gotta suck my dick."

She refuses, but later decides she really wants to see the new Brad Pitt movie. So she goes back and tells her dad to whip it out.

As soon as she wraps her mouth around it, she pulls away and nearly pukes.

"That tastes l...

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Give it to me I'm so fucking wet"

She said as I refused to share my umbrella on a rainy night

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

My dad told me to take out the garbage, but I said no..

I refuse.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

Yesterday, the custodian pulled me aside as I was leaving the office and asked me to smoke a joint with her.

She’s smoking hot, but I had to say no because I refuse to be around high maintenance women.

I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

Why did Logan Paul refuse to shake Ricegums hand?

Because he always leaves asians hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun.

A man dies, and his wife refuses to go to his funeral

"Why? You were so good together and you loved each other, why won't you go to his funeral?" Her friend says

"BECAUSE HE WON'T COME TO MINE!"

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused

I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

Three tortoises go on a picnic...

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle open...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got married but my wife refuses to have sex with me

Something about her being on a honeymoon period?

My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Why does Nick Cannon refuse to celebrate Christmas?

Because he is a terrible wrapper.

I asked this Spanish guy if he wanted to come to the beach with me, but he just stood there and refused to move.

It turned out he was a non-playa character.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation?

Ok Loomer

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies?

Because the Davis Entertainment Company still owns the right to Alien vs Predator

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a faraway land there was a king

And he had a very beatiful daughter, the minister loved her so much that he would offer anything for a night with her, So the strategist made him an offer: "give me half your wealth and I'll think of a way so you get to kiss her for a whole day...but if you break our deal you will regret it"
...

Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat?

There was no gray V

A legless man tries to get a pedicure and sues the salon for discrimination when they refused

Sadly, he didn’t have a foot to stand on in court.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.