The 120+ Best Refuse Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

Elon Musk has come up with a fool proof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.

He plans to buy it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of congress.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...

*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

A time traveler walks into a bar, but the bartender refuses to serve him.

"Why the hell not?" he asks.

"We don't serve *any* time travelers here," the bartender explains, "not since one got stinking drunk and trashed the place four years ago."

"Four years ago, you say..."

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

My kids want a dog but I've refused to get them a Labrador.

It's frightening how many Labrador owners you see that have gone blind

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Why do the vowels refuse to acknowledge their sixth member?

They don't know why

I gave my daughter a piece of traditional Jewish bread for an afternoon meal, but she refused it.

She ain’t no challah snack girl.

Why did the drill sergeant refuse to wear underwear under his uniform?

so he could have easy access to his privates while in commando.

What do you call a spice vendor who refuses to wash his hands?

Someone with too much thyme on his hands.

Why did the man refuse to honor his dead ancestors?

He didn't like people who looked down on him.

"A Bone-Tickling Riddle: Why Skeletons Refuse to Battle?

**Why don't skeletons fight each other?**

**They don't have the guts!**

Why did Trump refuse the debate with Bernie?

Because chickens tend to run from people with a last name of Sanders.

Why did the wheel refuse to exercise?

Because it didn't want to tire itself out

Why did the alien refuse to attend the solar system's party?

He heard it had no atmosphere!

Why does the Diabetic refuse to read Reddit on PC?

Because that would require accepting the cookies.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

Why did the men in the barbershop quartet refuse to go fishing with their tone deaf friend?

He couldn't hold a tuna.

When Simba refused to go back to his Pride, you could say he was just

*A whim away*

Why did the tomato refuse to get on the Subway sandwich?

Because it didn't want to be part of a sub-culture.

I refuse to talk to anyone who has less than 10 toes.

I am lack toes intolerant.

What do you call a motorbike rider who refuses to pay his taxes?

A free rider.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

What happened to the cow that refused to become steaks?

She was grounded.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

Ah, this one got me good :D

Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?

Because he was Lacoste intolerant.

Although the World is more accepting, I refuse to accept some races.

Marathons are awful.

For the longest time my wife refused to go spelunking with me...

But finally she caved.

Remember in Monopoly, when some insufferable kids couldn't agree who was banker, they'd refuse to play completely?

Welcome to the shutdown...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate myself so much, I refuse to masturbate

I'm not giving that prick the satisfaction.

I refuse to accept non-binary

Quantum computers are expressly forbidden in this house.

(Everyone I know cringed, so I figured yall may like it.)

Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography?

Because he's the reel deal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

What do you call the child of an electrical engineer who refuses to potty train?

A pull-up resister.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Why did the vampire refuse to attend the interdepartmental meeting?

He didn’t want to face that many stakeholders.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

Why did the fisherman refuse to share his catch ?

He was shell fish.

The only flight available was on a plane transporting corpses. I needed to get home so I bought a ticket but they refused to let me on the plane.

I think that the problem was my carrion.

My mate Dave's got a bad history with cobbler's and he refuses to replace his favourite shoes, despite having lots of holes in them.

He said he's got *trusty-shoes...*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the doctor say when I refused to eat more fiber?

"Well, that's tough shit."

I refuse to throw out the liquid on top of my yogurt.

That would be wheystful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

Why did the farmer refuse to get his cattle off the top of the mountain?

The steaks were too high.

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

What happens if you refuse to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

I refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving this year!

I am going to stop cold Turkey!

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a nun refused to have sex with me, on religious gounds.

So we went next door.

How did the hipster refuse a romantic engagement?

He said he was bespoken for

A Jewish shop owner in a largely Christian town hears a knock on the door.

He opens, and sees representatives of the local church.

\- Excuse us, Mr. Shainski, - they say. - Our church is in a bad state now, so we decided to build a new one. Seeing as you are known as a very wealthy and generous person, could you spare anything?

Shainski thinks. On the one han...

Did you hear about the masseuse who refused to treat women?

He was a massagenist

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

Why did the anarchist refuse to put his finger up his ass?

Because he didn't want to feel prostate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is obsessed with trains.

A man is obsessed with trains, so he finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and is sentenced to death.

Before he is executed, he is offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

Tennis ace Novak Djokovic has refused to take the Coronavirus vaccines

He's now known as Novax Djokovic

A Statistician Refuses to Fly

His friend asks him, "Why do you have this irrational fear of flying?"

"Irrational?" the statistician replies, "Not at all. I've merely calculated the odds of a bomb being placed on a plane and it's much too high for my comfort."

A few days later, the friend boarded a flight only to ...

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Why do the Jedi refuse to measure temperature using Kelvin?

Because only a Sith deals in absolutes

Johnny Depp refuses to get another dose of the vaccine

He says he now has Heard immunity

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.

*jazz hands*

Heard about the insurance that refused to pay for the lightning damage of the church?

It was judged to be an Act of God, and thus deliberate damage by owner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

Did I ever tell you about the time my friend had an exorcism and refused to pay?

He got… Repossessed.

100% of sinks get refused entry to bars....

Let that sink in.

My partner refuses to go to Karaoke with me.

Guess I have to duet alone.

Did you hear about the guy who refused to stop pretending to be an apple crumble?

He got taken into custardy.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up ?

A Nightmare.

After the priest performed a successful exorcism, Brenda refused to pay the fee.

The priest had her repossessed.

What do you call someone who refuses to "open up and say ah?"

Noah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of the current trend in r/pics: My wife refuses to send me nudes. She says she doesn't trust me with them.

Which is a shame because I know some guys who would pay serious $$$ for them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun.

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Jews get Circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn't at least 10% off

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

My boyfriend told me he refuses to date girls named Rachel....

....I accused him of Rachel discrimination.

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

Why did the tailor refuse service to nuns?

Because it's habit forming.

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

If you refuse to pay your TV licence in England, you can be sent to prison…

Where, ironically, you'll get plenty of BBC…

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.

What did Bush used to say to his kids when they refuse to eat?

Here comes the airplanes.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but he wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

Why did the astronaut refuse to return home to see his girlfriend?

He needed more space.

(In case you're running low on dad jokes!)

Why did the pregnant woman refuse to tip the waiter?

Because the tip was the reason she got pregnant in the first place.

UPS refused to send my item with USPS pre-paid shipping

Come on man, it’s just one letter!

Why did Logan Paul refuse to shake Ricegums hand?

Because he always leaves asians hanging

A girl refused to blow me because I was uncircumcised.

Guess I wasn't cut out for the job.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.