This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

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My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex...

Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.

Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

The girl who works at the car rental company refuses to go out with me

and it really Hertz.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

I refused to wear a mask at work one day and now I've ruined the life of four people...

Being a bank robber sure isn't easy!

My dad refused to tell me what his favorite snack was

When ever I asked he said it was pop secret

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

A Karen Refuses To Wear a Mask

Because she says it's MANdated not WOMANdated

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book?

He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"

Why did the Greek skydiver politely refuse to jump?

So as not to be condescending.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

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This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

What happens when people refuse to social distance?

It all ends in tiers...

Free Haircuts

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God's work."

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.


A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber...

An old woman is offered a covid vaccine at her senior home.

She refuses it and says "I have faith in God to protect me."

A week later, her nurse daughter calls her and tells her that she can come into the clinic and get her the vaccine quickly that day. Again, the woman refuses and says "I have faith in god to protect me."

Several weeks pass, ...

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

What do you call a barber that refuses to close on Sundays?

A Hair-etic.

An elderly couple named Bill and Helen went to the county fair each year.

One year, a man at the fair was giving helicopter rides for 50 dollars. Having never been in a helicopter in all his years, Bill begged Helen to let them ride. She refused, quipping "50 bucks is 50 bucks."

The following year, the man was there again, and again Bill begged for a ride. Again H...

I refuse to listen to music on new types of music players.

I guess I just have an 8-track mind.

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

The Graybeard engineer

retired, and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue. The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.
Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, takes a look at the Big Machi...

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The man with a single testicle (NSFW)

A man with a single testicle gets on a plane. He is very unlucky man with a single testicle.


The plane he is on has an engine malfunction mid flight and starts falling due to excessive weight. One has to jump from the plane to save the others.


"Lets choose someone randomly" say...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A politician finds a magic lamp, rubs it and a genie pops out.

The genie says “I shall grant you any wish you ask, on the condition that when I ask, you set me free and when I ask you acknowledge my part in your wish.”

The politician agrees and after much consideration, he wishes that his lies and exaggerations would come true.

He holds a press c...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother. While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel. The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. r>

The man immediately refused and said he would pay the $5,000 fee to do the funeral back home.<...

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Atti-la-lot

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Panda's Day Out

A panda walks into high-end restaurant and sits down at a table. A waiter quickly asks for the order and brings it to him after thirty minutes.

After the delicious meal, the panda asks for the bill. As soon as the waiter brings it, the panda whips out a pistol and shoots him. The waiter dies ...

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused.

Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...

Three tortoises go for a picnic

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.
Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is 10 miles away. So, it takes them 10 days to get there.
When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Gary give me th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

I fell in love with a dyslexic vegetarian

It's going great but she refuses to meat me

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy's Wife

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so the two decide to go the doctor to find out why. After a number of tests and questions, the doc suggests Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex.

Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After...

A guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 50ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay

Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Greek man refused to worship the gods.

Zeus, being farely pissed, took away the man's sight. "Go to the temple, make a sacrifice to me and you will see again," he said. But the man merely laughed.

Athena, hearing about this, travelled to Earth and took away his taste. "If you ever want to taste a well-cooked meal again", she said,...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refuse to believe I'm dyslexic and gay

I'm in Daniel

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

What's common between a skinny woman and a fat man?

Both refuse to wear bras.

Three western spies are captured in the USSR

Three western spies are captured in the USSR. An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy.


First they interrogate the English spy but he refuses to speak. So they tie him up, torture him for a day and in the end he speaks.


The same thing happened with the French spy. Initia...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

Trump became so controlling that he refused to allow people and restaurants to buy shredded cheese, and as such, companies that shredded cheese got shutdown.

I guess he really did make America grate again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of pet shop is this? (NSFW, original)

Joe had a dog that he loved dearly. Only one problem - no matter what he did, he just could not get the dog to stop soiling the carpet. Joe tried everything, read every book on dog training, bought every device on the market. But the dog just refused to be housebroken. Finally, he saw an ad for a pe...

Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

What did they call Bruce Lee when he refused to smile?

SeriousLee

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish man loved his golf, but he was a terrible golfer, it would seem, as he often found himself hunting for his balls in the woods

on one such occasion, he happened upon a leprechaun. whom it would appear he had accidently hit with his errant shot.

Gently shaking him awake, he asks "Are you ok?"

"Aye, you show such kindness to me. I will grant ye three wishes."


"T'is OK, I am already blessed enough...

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two brothers walk into a bar

"I'm sorry Seamus, you're barred from last time" said the barkeep, "but Patrick can come in."

So Patrick winks at his brother, and walks up to the bar alone.

"Two pints please". The barkeep pours him the beers, and Patrick takes them both outside, only to come back barely a minute la...

I'm excited to announce I'm starting my new company that strictly replaces fuses.

When customers come to me to have fuses replaced I'll be able to refuse but still get paid.

(Not mine) A man in a trench coat walks up to three old ladies sitting on a park bench

He opens up his coat at them, the first old lady had a stroke, the second old lady had a stroke, the third old lady absolutely refused to touch it.

Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg?

Because its beauty was only shin deep.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If there's more life in cum than there is in blood

why does Dracula refuses to suck my dick?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19

Award-winning composer, lyricist, actor, rapper, and playwright Lin-Manuel Miranda has contracted Covid-19 after receiving a spoiled dose of the vaccine. The nurse initially refused to administer the vaccine, when she discovered that it had accidentally been left out of the refrigeration unit too lo...

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Koala bear picks up a prostitute at a bar....

So this Koala is at a bar. He picks up this prostitute and they go to a motel. The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the prostitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, s...

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