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In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

A Karen Refuses To Wear a Mask

Because she says it's MANdated not WOMANdated

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book?

He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"

Why did the vet refuse to neuter the multimillionaire dog that came into his office?

He lived by the mantra "if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

What do you call a barber that refuses to close on Sundays?

A Hair-etic.

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

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This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

I refuse to listen to music on new types of music players.

I guess I just have an 8-track mind.

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

Three western spies are captured in the USSR

Three western spies are captured in the USSR. An English spy, a French spy and an Italian spy.


First they interrogate the English spy but he refuses to speak. So they tie him up, torture him for a day and in the end he speaks.


The same thing happened with the French spy. Initia...

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This is the dirty joke my 85yo grandad told to our whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused.

Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

A guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 50ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay

Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.

Three men go walking their dogs to go to the bar

Three men walking their dogs together walk to a bar that has a big sign saying "no dogs allowed"

The first man says "I'll have a drink" and walks in and when the bouncer points to the sign the man sticks his arm out straight and says "it's a seeing eye dog" and gets in

The second man,...

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Koala bear picks up a prostitute at a bar....

So this Koala is at a bar. He picks up this prostitute and they go to a motel. The koala tries to sneak out of the motel room before the prostitute wakes up. As he opens the door, the prostitute wakes up and says "where do you think you're going? You haven't paid me yet". The koala refuses to pay, s...

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A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.


The people there told him:


"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free. ...

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

I hate capitalism,

so i always type my messages in lowercase. i also hate racism, and refuse to run 100 metres.

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a guy leaving Las Vegas and needed a taxi ride to the airport..

There was a line of taxis outside the casino, waiting for customers. Unfortunately for the man he lost all of his money gambling. He approached the first taxi, he asked the fella for a ride and promised him to pay him $5,000 the next time he visited Vegas (since he usually wins big when he is there)...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking in the street and sees a women with the most beautiful breasts he’s ever seen.

He walks up to her and asks: “If I give you 10’000$, will you let me bite your boob?”
The woman, quite shocked, obviously says no.
The man then asks if he can bite her breast for 100’000$. The woman still says no. The man asks for 1’000’000$, 10’000’000$ and 100’000’000$ but the woman still re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chicken Dinner

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the...

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I refuse to believe I'm dyslexic and gay

I'm in Daniel

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

What did they call Bruce Lee when he refused to smile?

SeriousLee

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Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful.

There was a curly haired painter who was very successful. But then there came a new artist who's painting rivaled even his own best pieces. The usually very calm and docile curly haired man started to resent this competition and plotted how to get rid of him. Over the years he tried, unsuccessfully...

There are two types of people.

Some people only see black and white and refuse to acknowledge shades and complex non-straightforward situations, and the others... no, wait, I've changed my mind.

Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg?

Because its beauty was only shin deep.

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

Graybeard engineer

The Graybeard engineer retired and a few weeks later the Big Machine broke down, which was essential to the company’s revenue.  The Manager couldn’t get the machine to work again so the company called in Graybeard as an independent consultant.

Graybeard agrees. He walks into the factory, take...

It’s a little known fact that superstar actor Yul Brynner was a huge Liverpool F.C fan. He also refused to use aftershave as it made his skin come up in hives.....

Yul never wore cologne!

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Gingerbread house (long)

Me and my good friend John went camping one time, but after we left our campsite for a walk we got lost. After two weeks of walking around the forest, trying to find our way out, or at least something to eat, we stumble onto a little meadow with a gingerbread house in the middle.

As you can i...

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded the gold medal.

The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

A blonde arrives at work crying out loud

The boss asks worried what happened to her, to which she answers:

"I got a call this morning and found out my mother was dead."

The boss comforts her:

"Why don't you go home today to rest? We don't have too much work to do anyway."

The blonde refuses, saying that she ...

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.

"Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slipped on my glasses.
"How old?"

She smiled and held up four fingers.

It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up with her for almost 8 hou...

A chauffeur goes to pick up the Pope from the airport.

On arrival at the Vatican airport, the chauffeur picks up the Pope as he always does, but this time the Pope refused to step inside the car. He asks the Pope, "Why won't you get in?" to which the Pope responds, "Let me drive back to the Vatican! I'm from Argentina, we love to drive!" The chauffeur t...

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

A man and a golf club walk into a bar.

The golf club asks for a drink but the man refuses. When the golf club asked why, the man replied,

"Because you'll be driving later."

I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

"Denial isn't just a river in Brazil."

"That's the Amazon."

"No, I refuse to believe that."

As I got home drunk...

... at 2AM, my wife refused to let me in, but luckily my best friend opened the door for me.
So happy to have homie like him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

The Priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night

Whispering firmly, the Priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of him!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order.Still the man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know for sure w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun.

Jesus, why did you let me die of coronavirus?

He ignored the lockdown order because “Jesus will protect me” he did not accept a mask because Jesus will protect him. He refused the vaccine, because Jesus will protect him. Then he died of Coronavirus and met Jesus. “Jesus, why didn’t you protect me!?”
Jesus responded, “First I put lockdowns in...

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

Why did Logan Paul refuse to shake Ricegums hand?

Because he always leaves asians hanging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got married but my wife refuses to have sex with me

Something about her being on a honeymoon period?

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

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