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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

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A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

Why did the tailor refuse service to nuns?

Because it's habit forming.

What did they call Bruce Lee when he refused to smile?

SeriousLee

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

My wife wants me to read Pride and Prejudice, but I refused.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling it’ll try to lecture me.

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

2 guys holding hands were refused service at a local spa...

It was a mask man date.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to do the work?

Kick them out of Congress.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

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I refuse to believe I'm dyslexic and gay

I'm in Daniel

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

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A male whale and a female whale are swimming were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father years ago. He said to the female whale, “let’s both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.” They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and sank.
...

Why did the garment factory owner refuse to make wallets?

He was too clothes-minded.

My barber wanted me to sign a long term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused,

I couldn't accept all those perms and conditions.

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Why do Jews get circumcised?

Because Jewish women refuse to touch anything that isn’t at least 10% off.

Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

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I was just having a quiet pint by myself in a half empty pub, when some guy comes over.

"Would you mind moving, that's my seat."

Seeing as though I'd been there an hour, and there was plenty of other empty seats, I politely refused.

He started getting quite aggressive at that point, saying "I've never seen you in here before, I've sat in that seat every Saturday night for...

After taking his asphalt to the bar and asking for one beer for him, and one for the road, the bartender refuses the man's offer.

'I won't serve him!' He says, 'he's a cyclepath!'

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

Why did the left leg refuse to go on a date with the right leg?

Because its beauty was only shin deep.

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.

But let me give it a shot.

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

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My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

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did you hear about the buddhist who refused novocain during a root-canal?

he wanted to transcend dental medication.

If you can't afford to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare. If you refuse to pay taxes, the government will give you free food, housing, and healthcare.

They'll even throw in an orange jumpsuit.

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A NSFW joke I tried to translate from Turkish

A group of bandits raided a village. They said to the women of the village; "To save the life of your family, you have to identify your husband by sucking his dick."

They blindfolded women and lined up the men of the village in a mixed order, and a few of the bandits became involved.

T...

A guy comes home from work and he is clearly upset.

His wife looks concerned and asks him what's wrong. He shakes his head and refuses to say anything.

Later, during dinner, he's just pushing his food around on his plate and staring out the window.

"Honey, what is it? I've never seen you like this before," the wife says.

"It's . ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you... won’t be covered.”

Why couldn't the PC gamer stop crying?

He refused to be consoled.

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution

An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.

The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said "I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up so I can look death straight in the eyes!"

The execution...

Me, a religous man, just got coronavirus. I refused to see my friend and his spouse...

Because the Lord says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife."

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Tried to translate a Turkish joke, hope it makes sense

Temel and his wife Fadime were at an amusement park. Fadime asked Temel if she could swing on the swing set. He refused, saying that other people would be able to see her panties. She asked him several times but Temel said no.

Minutes passed by and Temel had to use the restroom. When he got b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've lost a few family members to COVID 19.......

They didn't die, but they said a bunch of stupid shit on facebook and refuse to wear masks so they're dead to me.

Doctor, my child refuses to eat meat! What can I replace it with?

Doctor: A dog. Dogs eat meat.

Amid reports of insider trading by senators during the pandemic, a leaked memo reveals that the vice president had the opportunity as well, but refused to profit even as he contracted the virus himself

Sick Pence none the richer

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There's a little-known legend about Attila the Hun...

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

A joke originally told in Arabic

The doctor asks him what is that dreaming problem.

"Every night I go to sleep," the man says. "I dream of a soccer match between a team of elephants and a team of ants"

"Ok, take this medicine," the doctor says. "It will fix the problem."

The man refuses though and says:
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the prostitute refuse service to the pirate?

He was into pegging

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, all the parts of the body were talking about who was most important.

THE BRAIN SAID – “Since I control everything and do all the thinking, I am the most important therefore I should be boss.”

THE FEET SAID – “Since I carry him everywhere he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, I am the most important.”

THE EYES SAID – “Since I...

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A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

I recently quit my job as a butler at a stately home.

I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.

An Engineer goes to Hell.

The first thing he notices is, it's awful hot. So he goes and checks the A/C system, and notices a missing belt. He replaces it, and soon it's a cool 78F.

The next thing he notices, is that all the TVs are showing nothing but static. He checks the satellite dish, and sees it's misaligned. He...

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

Whats the similarity between budweiser and Belgium?

Germans refuse to believe they are even there

A man dies, and his wife refuses to go to his funeral

"Why? You were so good together and you loved each other, why won't you go to his funeral?" Her friend says

"BECAUSE HE WON'T COME TO MINE!"

My friend refuses to believe that working with decimals is easier than working with fractions.

He is missing the point.

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

Why did Logan Paul refuse to shake Ricegums hand?

Because he always leaves asians hanging

I refused to believe that my road working father was stealing from the job.

But when I got home all the signs were there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says "I'm not going to leave my home, God will protect me".

The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him.

The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mexican Immigrant Wants to Cross the Border

There is a guard waiting at the border, who tells hi to go home, as he is not allowed to pass. The Mexican man refuses to leave so he sits beside the guard for over 4 hours. The guard, who has given up, tells the man that if he can use the words green, pink, and yellow in a sentence, he can pass. Co...

I asked this Spanish guy if he wanted to come to the beach with me, but he just stood there and refused to move.

It turned out he was a non-playa character.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When you get that funny feeling your wife is going to refuse to have sex with you . . .

It’s a pre dick shun.

Why does it take 250,000 sperm but only one egg to make a baby?

Because they just refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Why does Nick Cannon refuse to celebrate Christmas?

Because he is a terrible wrapper.

I finally understand why Americans refuse to switched from pounds to kilograms

They want to avoid mass confusion.

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?

The Cure.

Three men are on a boat, when suddenly they become shipwrecked on a stranded island...

Three men are on a boat, when suddenly they become shipwrecked on a stranded island. They think they’re alone until suddenly over a hundred natives come out of the forest. The men are taken back to the village and put before the chieftain on the throne.

The chieftain looks at them and says, ...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got married but my wife refuses to have sex with me

Something about her being on a honeymoon period?

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

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Three ministers and their wives were riding in a van to a conference...

when the driver took a curve too fast, sending the vehicle off the road and over a cliff. All six perished, and found themselves in line at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter called the first couple forward, examined his book, then looked sadly at the minister.

“I’m sorry to say that I can’t l...

What do you say to an out of touch seamstress who refuses to modernize their operation?

Ok Loomer

During a fire, a women was stuck on the 4th floor with her baby.

Fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused. Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the crowd and shouted to the woman. He said that he was a professional football player and that he could catch the...

A legless man tries to get a pedicure and sues the salon for discrimination when they refused

Sadly, he didn’t have a foot to stand on in court.

My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

Why did the A.I. with a diet for multicolored alphabets refuse to eat?

There was no gray V

A well known rule of three

Long ago, on a different geometric planet, there were many perfectly triangular lakes. On each lake were three kingdoms, each presided over by a trio of higher beings. One particular lake has an interesting story. Though the kingdoms on it started out peacefully, each settling their dispute with ano...

Jogging in the forest

A man is taking a jog in the forest. He realizes he is lost after a while and soon sees another man jogging in the forest. The first man asks the second man for directions, and the second man says, "Sure! I have a truck we can take into the city."

The first man agrees, thinking that the secon...

My wife found out I was cheating when she saw the letters I was hiding

After that she refuses to play Scrabble with me.

Why do aliens refuse to destroy churches in movies?

Because the Davis Entertainment Company still owns the right to Alien vs Predator

Why did the bear refuse the magicians offer to make him human?

Being someone else would've been unbearable.

My friend refuses to leave Sweden. She said Sweden is actually nice and deserves sympathy.

I think she's developed Stockholm Syndrome

Why did the hotel refuse to give out the advertised “continental breakfast?”

The continent was Africa.

"I want to be treated like a queen", she said.

So after the pope refused an annulment I accused her of heresy and had her beheaded.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the bathroom is closed at the local bar, a man makes a bet with the bartender [Longish Story]

"Sorry sir, the bathroom is closed. You will have to go elsewhere", stated the bartender.

"Elsewhere, you say?" said the man, the wheels slowly clanking into place in his head forming an idea. He ushers the man into the closed bathroom by the sink. "Since I can't pee in this toilet like my gr...

The American Military will never win another conflict.

Our enemies can just ask us to quarantine and we'll immediately refuse to hide.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.


She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.


S...

A devout Christian man living in New Orleans refuses to leave his home after hearing news of an imminent hurricane and flood.

A richly devout Christian man lives alone in New Orleans. He keeps to himself mostly, isolating himself in prayer and self-reflection with little care for the outside world.


One day, the man notices it growing dark outside earlier than normal. He steps outside and feels the wind has pick...

Wife refusing to leave.

So this was told by my hubs. He doesn't use reddit, so he asked me to post it.




Police: Sir, we can't make your wife just leave the house when she has no where to go.



Husband: That's not true. I bought her a place years ago, just for her and she refuses to go there....

What would a Communist parent say to her child who refuses to disclose his bad grades to her?

Quit Stalin and show me your Marx!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I refuse to participate in my girlfriend’s western fantasy, where she dresses up as a cowgirl.

I’m just not a fan of chapped lips.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a boner and a bonus?

Your wife will never refuse an opportunity to blow your bonus.

What do you call someone who refuses to accept that they're swimming in an African river?

in de Nile.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Indian joke. Hope it wasn’t posted before!

A man enters a scientific convention on a whim and there he hears the speaker raising a question to the audience.

“What is the fastest thing known to man?”

The scholars decide to give different answers based on their area of expertise.

The philosopher knowing they can defend t...

What is the differenece between public wifi and your wife?

None, you never know how many people used it before you and sometimes it refuses to work with your device for no reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old cheapskate sees a beautiful woman walking down the street

He calls out to her “miss! How much to bite your breasts?”

The woman, offended and a bit shocked, says “what??? you’re disgusting!” And continues walking down the street.

The cheapskate huffs and puffs to catch up with her and tries again, “miss! I’ll make it worth your while, how abou...

Since Dorian refuses to move

Can we downgrade it to a Not-in-a-Hurricane?

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