My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.

Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?

Because he was Lacoste intolerant.

I refuse to celebrate Thanksgiving this year!

I am going to stop cold Turkey!

100% of sinks get refused entry to bars....

Let that sink in.

How did the hipster refuse a romantic engagement?

He said he was bespoken for

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As a guy, I refuse to play as a female character in online games.

Not because I’m sexist, I just don’t think it’s right to perpetuate the stereotype that girls are bad at games.

Why did the comedian refuse to go to the doctor?

He thought laughter was the best medicine.

What happens if you refuse to pay your exorcist?

You get repossessed.

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When my step dad got home he found me outside refusing to go in because there was a big scary dog in our house.

"There's no way a dog has got into our house", he complained, and told me to go inside. I refused.

"Look", he yelled. "Get in that house now or you're grounded. I can't hear anything, the doors and windows are all open, there's no fucking dog in there."

I still refused and so my step...

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

Why did the anarchist refuse to put his finger up his ass?

Because he didn't want to feel prostate.

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

What do you call it when your friends offer you weed but refuse to share their alcohol?

being left high and dry

UPS refused to send my item with USPS pre-paid shipping

Come on man, it’s just one letter!

Kermit the Frog is in an interrogation room and refuses to say anything.

Two interrogators are discussing what to do. One of the men excitedly turns to the other and says, "shove your hand up his ass, that'll make him talk!"

I initially refused my vaccine

however it ended up being in vein.

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In college, I was refused membership in all the fraternities because I was circumcised.

Apparently you need to be a complete dick.

I absolutely refuse to vaccinate my kids.

I'll have the doctor do it instead; he's trained for it.

Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.

My parents are the worst.

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A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

A gigantic gas explosion in a coal mine in the next town killed thirty workers and hospitalised two hundred. But I refused to give to the support charity.

After all, it was only miner injuries.

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I refused to have sex with my girlfriend because she was on her period

I found her in masturbating in the bathroom the next day. Caught her red handed

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

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Why do people refuse to wear masks?

Because they can't stand the smell of the shit that comes out of their mouth.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly

They call her ‘Cagey B’

Why do medieval ghosts refuse to stop at McDonald's?

They prefer Wight Castle.

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

I was in the interrogation room last night, but I refused to say a word.

I don't think I should be a policeman.

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What do you call someone who refuses to drink anything other than alkaline water?

A basic bitch.

What should we do with people who rely on government handouts, but refuse to work?

Kick them out of Congress

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three... Edit: mother of two... Edit: mother of one...

Some people refuse to admit their faults.

I would, if I had any.

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Penguin blowjob

I asked a prostitute for sex but she refused because I only had $5. She instead offered me a 'penguin blowjob'.
I had no idea what it was but thought for $5, that was a pretty good deal.

She took off my belt and lowered my trousers and underpants to my ankles and began sucking. As things ...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Why did Ponyboy Curtis and his gang refuse to visit the 2014 Winter Olympics?

Because they were in “Soc”-hi.

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

We did our company Christmas party online this year and my coworkers were surprised at my incredibly detailed tattoo. They refused to believe me when I told them it was done in Madrid, before the pandemic...

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision...

The lead singer of Disturbed has refused to get the Covid vaccine.

He's Down With The Sickness!

I took my family to a fancy dress party, I asked my wife to be a panda, my kid to be a koala and I went as a grizzly. My wife didn't get the joke, so I said I will tell you when we get to the party... At the party I still refused to tell her and told her to be patient, so when we left...

...I simply turned to her and said, thanks for bearing with me!

My wife was feeding the baby and complained that she just refused to latch and suck.

"Aww," I said. "More like her mother every day."

People refuses to wear a mask is actually making the humankind smarter

By nature selection

My girlfriend broke up with me because I refused to share my feelings.

I can’t say I’m surprised.

A young Indian couple was trying to have a quiet wedding, but their family refused and made them have a big wedding instead. What fruit did they serve at the event?

Cantelope

The girl who works at the car rental company refuses to go out with me

and it really Hertz.

I refuse to use a pencil and a ruler on anything but paper...

that's where I draw the line.

I quit my job at the helium factory...

... I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

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My physicist gf has refused to talk to me since the last time we had sex...

Apparently she didn't like the fact that I gave her g a 10

When an interviewer asked me about my biggest strength, I said "I can refuse anyone". He asked if I could explain...

...and I said "No.".

Did you hear the one about the hobo who refused to wash?

He got arrested for fragrancy.

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A whale of a tale

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the sam...

My parents refuse to let my younger siblings to get shots

What's so wrong with underage drinking anyways

Everybody seems to have read Pride and Prejudice, but I refuse to do it.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book is going to lecture me.

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media...

He says my disease is untweetable...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

My wife refused to go anywhere but to a seafood place on our last date night

I told her she was being shellfish

A Karen Refuses To Wear a Mask

Because she says it's MANdated not WOMANdated

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Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the...

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

There was an order of friars…

There was a religious order of friars who had to figure out a way to raise money in order to do much needed repairs to their monastery. They were so good at growing flowers they decided to open a florist shop. After all, there was only one other florist in town and he was overpriced, not to mention ...

Why wife keeps telling me to stop singing "stand and deliver" every day because it's too dated and 80s.

I refused. I was Adam ant.

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The legend of Attila the Hun.

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

Why was the Minstrel refused entry to the tavern?

He was BARD for life.

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Dyslexic

Did you hear about the dyslexic who refused to believe he was gay?

He was in Daniel.

A blonde woman moves to first-class on a plane without permission

The flight attendant come up to her, she says "Um excuse me miss, this isn't your seat." The blonde woman replies "Excuse me? Yes it is!" So the Flight Attendant points where her seat is in economy class But she refuses to go back there. Suddenly the captain comes out and asks "what's going on he...

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

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This woman offers him a “threesome” that he simply couldn’t refuse

I met an older woman at a bar last night.

She looked pretty good for a lady who must have been in her 60s. In fact, she wasn’t bad at all!
I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.

We drank a couple of beers and then she asked me if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s...

I refused to wear a mask at work one day and now I've ruined the life of four people...

Being a bank robber sure isn't easy!

What ice cream can Ernie never refuse?

Sherbet.


*jazz hands*

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

Opporknockity

James was a talented pianist, but just wasn't top tier in his talent. He had plenty of smaller venue gigs, but every time he auditioned for large concerts, he was softly rejected as being "so close, but the other person was just a tad better".

One day he was at a carnival, and for laughs he w...

The Goldberg Brothers - Are well known as the Inventors of the automobile Air Conditioner.

Here's a little known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. 


The four brothers ...

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My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames

I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands

My dad refused to tell me what his favorite snack was

When ever I asked he said it was pop secret

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time ...

Are they guilty of resisting a rest?

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

How many media outlets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Outrage! as light socket forced into pairing with light bulb. "I just couldn't imagine this would be happening to me". Light socket is quoted as saying after the incident.


Pressure mounts on controversial home owner who refuses to rule out further forced bulb screw ins.


Associ...

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The voodoo dick

A man enters a sex shop, looking for a new toy to keep his wife busy while he goes on business trips. As a higher-up in his corporation, he tends to be away from home several times a month, and wants to ensure his wife stays faithful.

When he reaches the counter, he's shocked to see an old, w...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's...

So there's this bar in New York called Walter's - it's named after the guy who runs the place, Walter Green. He's an older guy who doesn't understand a lot of technological stuff, and so the bar is plain and simple, just as it was when he first opened it back in the 1960s. One of Walter's regular cu...

Did you hear about the blind man who refused to read a book?

He said, "I'm just not feeling it!"

Aliens refuse to visit Earth because they've looked up our solar system...

and it has a 1-star rating.

What do you call a barber that refuses to close on Sundays?

A Hair-etic.

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The heat

Paddy's wife has never had an orgasm so they go to the doctors. After tests the doctor suggest Paddy's wife may be over heating during sex. Paddy refuses to buy a fan and decides to get his mate round to waft a towel on them during sex. After 20 mins of wafting still no orgasm, so his friend suggest...

Roy Moore refuses to concede the Alabama Senate race.

He keeps insisting that the black votes should only count for 3/5ths.

Groucho Marx upon learning about the skinhead hazing requirement of the bald-headed society…

‘I refuse to belong to any club that would shave me as a member’

I can't refuse a free drink

My friend goes to get a beer from his fridge and asks me if I'd like one

Me - "sure! I can't refuse a free drink, it's against my religion"
Friend - "what religion is that?"
Me - "Alcoholism"

Did you know some bikers keep a little jar of vaseline in their pocket to protect their bike seat from the rain?

A biker was doing a big ride through a low dense inhabitated country. After a long drive not seeing a single person his bike breaks down. He starts pushing it and after a few hours of pushing it he stumbles across a single farmhouse in the distance.
He knocks on the door and the farmer opens. "W...

My parents always used to criticize me for never finishing anything.

Joke’s on them, though, because now I’m 300 years old because I refuse to finish life. And another thing,

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural...

I have a lower back tattoo, and in the delivery room they absolutely refused to give me an epidural (or any pain meds at all).

I asked if the tattoo was the reason, and the anesthesiologist said “no, it’s because your wife is the one giving birth, not you, sir.”

What did the comedian say to the Chinese general who refused to laugh?

Why Tso serious?

My friend refuses to wear clothes with crocodiles on them...

... he’s Lacoste intolerant

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend refused to have unprotected sex

I understand, she is deadly allergic to nuts.

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

Trump explodes in anger as he's refused entry to nativity scene

Proof once and for all that he's unstable

I once fell into an African river but refused to accept it

I was in denial

Earl and Darling are in love

Their relationship is prefect, they date, become engaged, and finally marry.

Then their first child comes and a healthy son is brought into this world. Darling has always been a bit of a hippie and she thinks that "Love" is the perfect name for him. Earl isn't quite sure about this, but he ...

So a pimpled man goes to the doctor...

He comes in, but refuses to sit down. The nurse asks if there is anything she could help him with.

He waves her away politely, and holds his suitcase in the air, bumps the top of it and an entire stool comes folding out. He places the stool on the ground and tries to small talk with the nurse...

Captain's log

has jammed the Enterprise's toilet again. He still refuses to change his diet.

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She loves going commando

There was once a woman who never wore panties. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying the view.

After trying on her fifth pair of shoes, the salesman can't stand it anymore and said "Lady, that is a beautiful si...

My tailor has been really angry the past few weeks. This morning, he even refused to fixed my new pants which were too long

I asked if he could cut me some slack

A guy was smoking while saying prayers.

His shocked friend asked, "Tell me how did the priest allow you to smoke while praying when he refused to permit me."

"What did you ask?" enquired his friend.

"Can I smoke while I am praying?" replied his friend.

"No wonder he refused you because I asked the priest, 'Can I pray...

I once met someone who refused to talk to people unless the conversation was about fashion.

He was very clothes minded.

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his ...

A guy wanted to show me his Bird imitation skills but I refused

So he flew away

I tried to get the Russian government to throw all of their old leaders in the Grand Canyon but they refused.

Nobody understands my Tzar Chasm...

Why did young Ewan McGregor refuse to do Algebra homework?

Only a Sith deals in absolutes

When lightning strikes...

...it refuses to work as a form of protest against inadequate compensation.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

A 55 year old lady suddenly started learning to swim instead of her usual routine of going to a temple !!!!

Everyone was curious and asked her: "why the change in your interest to swimming now a days?"

The lady, with a look of helplessness replied: "Whenever my son and daughter-in-law quarrel with each other my Daughter-in-law always asks my son : - "If your mom and I fall into water, whom will y...

A guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 50ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.

I hate long good buys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here It Is! The Poopie list!

Ghost Poopie--The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie--The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie--The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unw...

I attended a self-defence course.

At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."

"I refuse to pay," I told him.

"You have to," he insisted.

"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."

So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, brui...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A driver refuses to stop for police.....

They chase him for miles and finally pull the old guy over. Policeman asks him why he didn't stop. The old guy says, "Well, fifteen years ago my wife ran off with a cop. I thought you bastards might have been trying to give her back!"

Why did the hippie driver refuse heartburn medication?

Because anti-acid would ruin the trip

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

One day a baseball umpire brought his son to a game to watch him work. Dutmring the game, the umpire was rude and insulting, even to the point of spitting and cursing the players. At the end of the game he knelt down and beckoned his son to come sit on his knee. The boy refused saying . . .

The son never sits on the brutish umpire.

A man's car gets haunted by a ghost

So he decided to go to a priest to get it removed.

The priest performs the exorcism, and it works! He successfully removes the ghost from the car. He says to the man "That'll be $250." The man refuses to pay, and so a couple weeks later his car gets repossessed.

When lightnings struck the church, the insurance company refused to pay

Reason: Act of God, in other words, deliberate destruction by owner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Use The Camel

Having joined the French Foreign Legion, Pierre focused on becoming the best soldier he could. Day in, day out he trained; long marches with full pack, hand to hand combat, shooting range etc... but even all this activity couldn't take away the yearning he had, after all he was a young viral man. T...

I refuse to give money to homeless people. They are just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol.

Also, I need it for drugs and alcohol.

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