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In Stock Jokes

I’ve started investing in stocks; beef, chicken and vegetable.

One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

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I saw an ad from a local store with an upcoming sale for pills to cure premature ejaculation. When I got there they told me they didn’t have them in stock yet.

Seems like I came too early.

I invested my dad's money in stocks and made him a millionaire.

He used to be a billionaire.

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I'm so pissed off with the new candle store in town. The times I've gone in they haven't even had vanilla or apple candles in stock.

They lack common scents.

Girl, if your beauty was represented in stocks, I'd invest everything...

Because you're at an all-time low.

(Use it to seal the deal on Valentine's Day)

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

Another kind of long joke.

Charlie was installing a new door and
found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. ...

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

For richer or poorer

I asked my wife if she'd be interested in investing some of her money in stocks, like I invest mine.

She responded: "No, because if you'll get rich, I'll be rich, too."

So I asked her if the reverse is also true. Her response was:

"Sure! If I'll become poor, you'll be poor, too...

I am a stock broker

I am broke after investing in stocks

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Two horny badgers

One night, two horny badgers walk into a brothel. They only had an one dollar bill to pay with. They see the clerk and ask her:

"What's in stock for us?"

"Depends. How much money do you have?"

"Only one dollar, ma'am."

"Well, with one dollar you can just go fuck yourselve...

I hate it when everyone tells me to read an author's works, but then I can't find it anhwhere.

For someone so famous, nobody seems to keep Warren Piece in stock.

A man decides to buy a parrot

A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot.

The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000."

Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high pri...

The New Market on the Corner

A new market opened up in Bill's neighborhood, so he decided to go down and see what they had for sale.

Inside appeared to be different produce stands, but, strangely, all he saw were bakery stuffs on the shelves. One was covered in pies and labeled "Pineapple Pies - $2/lb." Another was cover...

A wasp expert walks into a record shop

He goes to the owner and asks if they have the new edition of wasp sounds 2019.
The record shop owner says that they have it in stock and asks if the wasp expert would like to listen too it before he buys.

The wasp expert agrees and the record is placed on the record player.
The pin goe...

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A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

A guy walks into a liquor store and ask for a case of Heineken.

The gal behind the counter replies, "Sorry. We're out of Heineken."

The guy shrugs his shoulders and says, "Fine. Make it Rolling Rock."

The woman replies, "Sorry, but the only cold beer we have in stock is Budweiser."

The man says, "Nope. No way. Last time I drank a case of Bud...

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So this lady is at a small grocer to buy some potatoes.

She does not see any, so asks the manager: "Sir, i am looking for one bag of potatoes". He replies that they have none in stock.

Lady: "I understand, but even half a bag will be fine for my needs"

Manager: "Lady, we don't have ANY potatoes in stock."

Lady: "Ok. But even if it is...

Someone at a BDSM convention asked me what investments he should make

I told them to invest in stocks and bonds

A guy was invited to a fancy dress party, and decided to go as Adam...

...So he phoned a costume hire shop and asked to rent a fig leaf. A few days later, the said fig leaf arrived, and he tried it on, but as he was fairly well endowed, it didn't quite cover things up, so he sent it back with a note explaining the situation. A day or so later another, larger, fig lea...

Stock check for Charlie!

It's that time of the month for a young lady, so she goes into a drug store looking for pack of her usual brand. She sees that particular shelf is empty, so asks the older woman at the checkout if they have any large Tampax in stock.

The woman replies that they should have inventory back ...

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Darth Vader walks into a record store.

Clerk: ‘Sorry, your excellency, we don’t have that George Michael album in stock.’

Vader: ‘I find your lack of “Faith” disturbing.’

So a Movie Theatre was robbed

It was discovered that 5 bags of skittles, 10 snickers and 1 bag of Maltesers were stolen. The Theatre representative made a statement that they have lost over 4,500$ in stock was stolen.

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Three men...

Once there were three men who walked into an empty clearing in the middle of a huge forest, uncomparable by any means to that of any cluster of trees. However, this clearing had a peculiar item lodged in the ground near the center, a shiny golden lamp. The first of the three men slowly worked on dis...

Father and his special daughter are driving back to her mom's.

Father drives past a sign "7/11"
Daughter yells with excitement "Hotdog! Ice-creams"
Father says " ok we can get a hotdog"
He stops at the 7/11 walks in with the daughter and she yells to the clerk " Toilet ! Hotdog ice cream!" They clerk quickly hands her the bathroom key as the father che...

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One evening, a vicar has a brilliant idea.

Wouldn't it be wonderful, he thinks, to have a parrot in the church doorway to greet the congregation as they arrive on Sundays.

So, next morning, he gets up bright and early, and heads off to the nearest pet shop, where he enquires about parrots.

They have but one parrot in stock, and...

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A man walks into a prawn shop

and says to the owner, "I've been interested in picking up the bass. What do you have in stock?"

The owner hands him a fresh fish.

Last minute anniversary gift (x-post from r/cleanjokes)

A devoted husband has made it a tradition to buy his beautiful wife beautiful flora for their anniversary. Though his plant of choice is not roses nor tulips, but her favorite: anemone

Alas, there was no anemone in stock this year at the local nursery.

"What else can I buy my wife for ...

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A man is often sent on business trips...

And discovers that during most, his wife would cheat on him. Being such a forgiving man he decided to ask his wife of she could stop if given an amazing sex toy. His wife agreed as long as it was amazing.

He proceeds to the local sex shop and asks the clerk for the best sex toy he's got in S...

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Guarantee this one has been posted before

So, three guys are in a hardware store looking to buy a toilet.

The guy at the register says, "we have three left in stock: a wooden toilet, a metal toilet and a singing toilet."

The first guy takes the wooden toilet, the second guy the metal one and the third, the singing one.

...

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