It's now 7 months since I joined the gym and nothing has changed.

Maybe it's time I go there personally and find out what's wrong.

When my wife got pregnant, everything changed.

My name, my address, and my phone number.

Today I crossed a street, changed a light bulb, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

I changed the name of my john to "Jim..."

So when I tell people I got up early and went to the...goddammit, nevermind.

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A guy named John Hitler was tired of people bullying him for his name so he went to the federal court and changed it hoping the harassments would stop.

But Peter Hitler is still getting bullied to this day.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

My girl friend changed ever since she became vegan.

It’s like I’ve never seen herbivore.

Weightlifting really changed my life, i dropped 50 pounds

Straight on my foot, can barely walk now

As a kid, I wasn't ever able to do a pull-up. As an adult, that all changed.

Now I can pull up to McDonalds whenever I want.

A PETA member was going to drive himself to a fashion show, but he changed his mind...

...when he found out they would show fur.

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I changed the ringtone for my Ex-wife to an old modem dialup sound

Nostalgic, brings great memories but Holy Hell I don't want that 52Kbps piece of shit back in my life.

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My life has drastically changed for the better since I started eating more fiber

It really helped me get my shit together.

I changed my career as an English teacher to beekeeping

Got sick and tired of explaning the difference between am is are was were etc. But man, there's still too many bees.

So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!

For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!

God’s power has changed over the centuries

He used to create universes and flood the entire Earth - now he can only manage to appear on toast.

Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?

Now it is Times New Ramen

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I asked my friend how much getting a vasectomy changed his sex life.

He said there was a vas deferens.

I just changed my car engine to France.

Gonna have tons of revolutions now!

My grandma changed her hair colour while taking a nap...

She dyed peacefully in her sleep

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

The Communist Party changed things so that China uses single time zone.

It's always Party time.

If I had a dollar for every time I changed the correct answer in exams,

I'd probably pick it up first but then leave it thinking it's wrong.

Where I work, they changed our work stations to those adjustable stand up desks

apparently I have to buy my own adjustable chair.

My friend was trashing children's shows, which offended everybody, but then he changed tune and said he want's to revive Nick Jr.

I think he was just trying to save Face

My wife told me if I went on the lads holiday to Vegas leaving her and the kids behind I’ll come home to find the locks changed

Good. My key has been sticking for months, it’s about time she did some DIY.

wife : i have changed my mind ...

husband : does the new one work ??!

My mom changed into a guy and now I can’t see him

He is transparent

I grew up in a town where the population never changed…

Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town.

Alabama changed the drinking age to 34

They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools

My friends attitude changed ever since he was left wheelchair bound

He used to be a stand-up guy

What would happen if Mozilla Firefox changed their name to Mozilla Fireturtle?

We'd get an Internet Bowser.

An Englishman, Scotsman and Donald Trump are in the Sahara desert (see, I’ve changed it so it’s current)...

The Englishman is carrying an umbrella, the Scot is holding a cucumber and Trump is carrying a car door.
A Bedouin approaches and asks why the Englishman has an umbrella in the desert. The man replies. “Well, when it gets really hot, I put up my brolly and I can keep cool in the shade.”
The Be...

I changed my iPods name to titanic

It’s syncing now

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

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So Kanye West has changed his name, How is Ye pronounced?

I keep trying different ways but I keep getting stuck on cunt.

Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one'........

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'

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My friend told me his life completely changed after witnessing the second coming of Jesus.

He is never going to watch Mexican porn again.

I rewrote Hansel & Gretel but changed the oven to a mobile stove.

The title is now Hansel & Griddle.

A dairy farmer walks in to his feed store and asks the clerk, "Has your product recently changed?"

"Same formula for two decades now" replies the clerk. "Why do you ask? Your cattle not eating?"

"No, it's not that. It's just that their flatulence has become unbearable. It used to not bother me, but it's got to the point that I can't even be in the barn without wearing a respirator."
<...

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My roommate recently started having much louder sex with his girlfriend. "What changed?" I asked.

"We've updated our privacy policy."

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Things sure have changed in the last 100 years

Like now if you fuck your dishwasher people think you’re crazy

The first time someone drastically changed the Bible people probably thought "Wow...

...loose canon."

Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...

With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.

A friend just called me to tell me he has changed his name to 'Spinal Column'.

I asked if I could call him Back.

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How five Jews changed the way we see the world:

Moses: "The Law is everything"

Jesus: "Love is everything"

Marx: "Money is everything"

Freud: "Sex is everything"

Einstein: "Everything is relative"

I changed my last name to 'Batman' the day before my wedding

My Father-in-Law didn't enjoy the wedding of Dan and Anna BATMAN.

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Did you hear about the Japanese firefighter who changed careers to aviation in 1940?

He went from hero to Zero.

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

My wife changed into her bikini at the beach, and stood posing in front of me. "Well," she said, "I've lost a stone. Can you see a difference?"

I picked up a pebble and tossed it in the ocean. "The beach has lost a stone," I said. "Can you see a difference?"

woke up this morning, changed a light bulb, crossed the road (with a chicken) walked into a bar, went knock, knock and then found out that my dogs got no nose.

I thought, my lifes just one big joke.

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A 3-year-old is watching his mum get changed...

As she drops her knickers, he points at her crotch and asks: "Mum, what is that?!"

Panicking, the mother quips "Oh, that's... that's where god hit me with an axe..."

"Phwoar" Says the boy... "Right in the cunt!"

Before EA announced their plans for SW:Battlefront 2, I was pretty sure they were just a greedy company. That now has changed.

Now I am definitely sure they are just a greedy company.

I think my wife was sleeping with my boss so I changed jobs to prevent that from happening...

One of the perks of being self-employed.

You know the times have changed...

When Portugal leaves Brazil without taking any Gold.

I left my husband after he changed his name to "John Cena".

I just couldn't see him anymore.

That neck pain changed my life.

I never looked back from then.

It's amazing how much has changed since the 80s

Back then we had a celebrity president with ultraconservative views and a cult following who was obsessed with a wall in the White House, a female Prime Minister with a complicated relationship with the EU and a total disregard for the poor of the country in Number Ten, the Russians were under a reg...

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After I changed sex, my daughter has been ignoring me..

It seems like I'm transparent

I changed my password to "incorrect".

So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

Aliens visit, and their first question is: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"

Aliens: "what's changed in the last 3000 years?"

Humans: "well, we were worshipping cats, drinking beer, and smoking weed... and then we made it to developing technology that can destroy this entire planet, and pretty soon we'll have unlimited energy from that tech."

Aliens: "Impressiv...

Tai Lopez really changed my life

He's the reason I installed adblock.

The one who created the memes font really changed the world.

I mean, he really made an Impact.

Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!

"Wow Peter! You have changed a lot during the last years!"
"My name is not Peter..."
"Oh you've also changed your name?!"

I live in California and my friend told me, “I wish the leaves here changed color.” I told him, “the leaves in California change all the time...

they go from green to on fire.”

Did you hear that they changed the theme song when they found out the Pink Panther was a Redditor?

Now it goes pedant pedant....

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven"...

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me.....

After announcing Voldermorts return, it dawned on me that Harry Potter's name should be changed to..

Herald Potter

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If a Nun changed sex...

Would that make them a tran-sister?

My parents were disappointed with me,I showed them my posts on reddit ,it changed their mind...

now they aren't only disappointed but embarrassed as well.

My mate Dave has changed a lot since his time in prison

For a start he's not half as tight as he used to be.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

Did you hear about the Eye Doctor who changed professions to become a comedian?

He made a spectacle of himself.

.

ok its bad. Apologies in advance.

The Coast Guard recently changed their minimum height requirements to 6'.

That way if the boat sinks everyone can just walk to shore.

I have recently changed the sound of my alarm clock to "Justin Bieber - Baby"

Now I wake up 5 minutes earlier every day, so I don't have to listen to it.

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Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being
whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see
the next room. The next room has a middle aged
guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third
room. It has an really old guy chained to the
wall getting...

Was Snoop Dogg being serious when he changed his name?

Or was Snoop Lion ?

Overheard this one from some old guys getting changed at my local gym.

"So I go to the pharmacy and ask the guy if they have any Viagara. The guy there says yes, so I ask if they work and he replies 'you bet'. So next I ask "can I get it over the counter" to which he replies 'if you take two' "

Pennsylvania and New Jersey changed their state mottos today in order to cut their highway budgets.

Now they both proudly display "Road Work Ahead. Expect Delays" on their welcome signs to better reflect the status of their roadways.

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