One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.

He does a few online courses and begins trading.

On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money i...

Where can you find the highest volume of insecurities trading in the world?

The New York Stalk Exchange

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

Why does Superman hate trading Bitcoin after 7pm?

Because it's Crypto-night

A boy asked his bitcoin trading father

...for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

Dad: $9.45? What do you need $10.11 for?

What does Trump think about trading with China?

It's tariffic.

Currency trading

I used to trade currency. this asian guy came in and wanted to exchange 10,000yen - I gave him $120.

a week later he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $105.

a week after that he came in with another 10,000yen - I gave him $135.

the guy said to me in an annoyed voice...

CEO Brian Krzanich sold his stock, and it might be considered insider trading...

You could say he had certain Intel about the situation.

This could turn into a total Meltdown.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse Trading [Long] NSFW

So, there's a little person with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse. He finds his way to a horse farm and knocks on the door.
"Do you have any hawthes fauw thale?" he asks the horse breeder.
"Why, sure we got horses. Are you looking for anything in particular?" asks the farmer.
"L...

What do you call trading one joke for another?

Quip pro quo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Indian walks into a trading post

And he asks the owner for toilet paper. The owner replies we have Charmin for .35 cents a roll. The Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says we also have Bounty for .15 cents a roll. Again the Indian shakes his head and says too much. The owner says well I have some no name toilet pa...

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company

A group of cosmic rays establishes a stock trading company. As energetic as they come, they start off with a bang. With a handful of eager young protons joining their ranks, they begin to see extremely positive gains in their investments in no time. They're making more money than they know what to d...

Trading gold for a good consulting / corporate or office joke...

Guys, it's been a long day, I need a laugh and I've got three months of gold to give away. Help me out?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Conservative Brit, a Conservative American, a Liberal American, and a Liberal Brit were at a pool

The Conservative Brit says: “Hey, what’s everyone’s favorite stroke? Mine is the freestyle because it’s free like how I like trading to be”

The Conservative American says “I like the backstroke because I want things to go back to how they were in the old times”

The Liberal American say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prison Fun

Bob the stockbroker was convicted of insider trading and sent to federal prison.
He was housed with a big, tough bank robber named Jesse.

Walking into his shared cell for the first time Bob was understandably nervous.

“ Hello there, welcome to your new home” said Jesse holding ou...

At first, I was merely a stock trading enthusiast…

…but now I'm fully invested.

Bakers have a weird way of trading bread recipes.

Its done on a knead to know basis. Gotta get the dough somehow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old army buddies are sitting at the bar trading stories...

"I remember the first time they took us up to jump out of a plane," says one guy. "The private ahead of me was so scared, he was hanging on to the plane door for dear life. The platoon sergeant was screaming at him to jump, but he just stood there, gripping the door and blubbering. Finally, the plat...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid asks his Grandpa about Slavery

A kid goes to his grandpa and asks him about slavery

Kid: Grandpa does slavery still exist today?

Grandpa: Slavery exists all over the world on almost every continent in the world.

Kid: I know in North America that black people used to be enslaved but theres no way that the acqu...

Halfway through his birth, I realize that my son was at his peak trading value...

At that point, he was new, in box

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Marketing explained

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

That's Direct Marketing.

______________________________

* You're a woman and you’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to...

Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

I HAD A ROUGH YEAR

It was a tough year, but I made it !!!
But not everyone is as lucky as I am......
Economy is so bad, I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniatu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to go on a photo safari in Africa. She takes her pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies, and before long the little dog discovers it’s lost.

Suddenly the dog sees a hungry leopard bounding toward it. The dachshund thinks, I’m in deep trouble now!

But then it notices some bones on the ground and immediately settles down to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale

During the summer I bought two six packs of beer that was on sale. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde, was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing ...

The Story of Jack the Sugar Cane farmer

There once was a peaceful agrarian village at the edge of an enchanted forest. The village lived mostly self-sufficiently with farmers specializing in crops and trading with other farmers for goods and services. Jack, a humble sugar cane farmer, lived in this village when something horrible happened...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little boy in a quaint town was said to be the hairiest person in history.

Even in a small community, where everyone was aware of and understood his plight, living a normal life was difficult. Even though everyone was respectful, the sheer volume of hair and speed at which it grew was a constant hardship. It interfered with the boy's eating, he would overheat quickly durin...

An Auditor was found sleeping with his client

He was guilty of inside her trading

I drank a bunch of Angry Orchard and called my broker

I guess you can say I did some in-cider trading

Girl, are you a Collateralized Debt Obligation?

Because a lot of rich people are trading you around and a few insiders have told me you're completely toxic.

I used to be a stock trader when I was a fetus, until my mother was arrested.

For inside her trading.

Two police officers are called out to a bar...

...where a couple of patrons have gotten into a fight.
When they get there they find an Acid and a Base trading blows. The officers split them up, give them a verbal warning, and send them on their way in opposite directions.

A couple of days later the same officers are called out to a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a parrot at an auction...

I bought a parrot at an auction, hoping that a companion might help me get through some tough times. The car ride home, the parrot had been quiet and an uneasy tension was building. Throughout the first night, my parrot remained quiet, but the next morning, I awoke to a machine-gun sequence of swe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three cowboys are standing around a fire...

...trading stories about how tough and manly they are.

The first cowboy says, "Well I was ridin' the trail the other day, and was lettin' my horse rest, when a coral snake bit me on the leg. I sucked the poison out, then I roasted that sumbitch and ate him for dinner."

The second cowbo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler is given a day out of hell, back on Earth.

Half an hour later, he's pounding on hell's gates: "Let me back in, I don't want to be there! It's all strange - the Jews are fighting and the Germans are trading!"

At the country club

Several friends are relaxing at the country club after a couple rounds of golf. They hear a cell phone ring in the locker room. One of them excuses himself and goes to answer it.

"Hello?"

"Honey, it's me."

"Oh hey, baby!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes, why?"

"...

The old man, the prince, and the fish.

Once upon a time, there was a prince of a certain land, who wanted to be a lowly fisherman when he grew up. But try as he could, he couldn't ever catch a single fish. He had tried many methods, including nets, spears, and traps, but all to no avail.

Furthermore, he was looked down upon by the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
===========
If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
===========...

Local Apple grower was sent to federal prison this week...

In cider trading.

So my Mom was turning 40...

..And Dad started making jokes about taking her down to the used wife lot and trading her in for two Twenty year olds.

Mom's reaction? "You're not wired for 220."

Why did the dentist's accountant get arrested?

Incisor's trading.

Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline. Weights were up in heavy trading....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

No Name Toilet paper

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. "White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?" "$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies. "That seems pretty expensive," responds the India...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Donut Joke

First time posting, but this is my favorite joke. It takes some acting, and can only be used in certain situations, but I've had rooms of people rolling on the floor.

This joke works best when you are in a group of people all trading jokes. When it comes to your turn, tell the first part:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sailor Cant Take It

So a couple of sailors were sitting around the ship's mess hall trading stories of their most adventurous sexual encounters. Trading stories back and fourth they realized that Jim hadn't said anything at all. So Jim's shipmates ask him to tell them a really juicy sex story. Jim replied " I don't...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accountants Paradise: The Theme song for "The Accountant" Starring Ben Affleck.

Accountants Paradise:

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at your finances and draw a deep deep breath.

Cos I’ve been counting and adding for all so long that even my boss thinks that my mind has gone.

But I ain’t never crossed a debit that didn’...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Extraterrestrial Encounter (NSFW)

A husband and wife were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary at home on their farm in the middle of nowhere. They were a happy couple, enjoying each other's company when suddenly a bright light flooded their bedroom. The winds picked up and howled, rattling the windows. A low, resonant hum ech...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.