My parents raised me as an only child,

Which really annoyed my younger brother!

Why do they call them lifts in the UK & elevators in the US?

Because we’re raised differently.

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A man badly wanted to lick the princess' boobs.

He decided to ask his friend Johnny, who works in the palace. He promised 2,000 gold coins to Johnny, he agreed instantly with the deal.


A few days later, Johnny goes and sprinkles itching powder on the princess' bra while she was taking a bath. The plan worked successfully, when the pr...

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As I left the store, I noticed the Traffic Warden writing a ticket...

"Oi," I said, "you can't do that!"
"Yes, I can. Its my job," He replied, as he tore the ticket off and placed it on the windshield.

"Oh, fuck you," I said.
The warden raised an eyebrow and then wrote another ticket and slapped it on top of the other one.

"What's that one for?"...

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A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal.

Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're ...

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A young boy says to his father "Dad, our maths teacher is asking to see you."

"What happened?" The father asks.

"Well, she asked me, 'how much is 7 * 9?' I answered '63' , then she asked, 'and 9 * 7?' So I asked 'what's the fucking difference?'

"Indeed, what is the difference?" asks the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from sch...

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A man walks into a bar and asks "There's a Great Dane tied up out front, who owns it?"

Another. guy stands up and says "that's my dog, is there a problem?"

"I'm sorry to tell you, my dog just killed your great dane."

"I can't believe it! My dog was a powerful, savage beast! I raised him from a pup to be a killer! What kind of dog do you have?"

"A Chihuaha."...

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors?

An in-grown hare!:)

A 16-year old girl enters a church in tears. “Please father, help me”

“What is it my child?”

“Father, I need your help. I’m pregnant.”

The priest sighed. “I understand my child. You have sinned but you are not the first, nor the last. Our Lord is all-forgiving and I’m here to help you through this. But first I need to understand how it happened.”

...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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Little Timmy was in the classroom...

...and the principal was observing. The teacher asked pupils to give examples of food.

So all the pupils raised their hands.

"Pears" - said Mary.

"Bananas" - said John.

"Oranges" - said Sara.

and it went on like this for a while. "Very well" - said the teacher, rea...

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol ot of the high cshools.

My wife prefers to take the stairs, but I always take the elevator.

I guess we were just raised differently.

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

Joe the Carpenter

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

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If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

A teenage boy passes his driving test ...

.. asked his father when he would discuss using the car.

His father said he was making a deal with his son, "You raise your grade from C to B average, learn your Bible a little, and cut your hair. Then let's talk about the car."Decided and they agreed to it.

About six weeks later, his ...

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A Horny Cock

A farmer buys a new cock for his farm. As soon as they enter the farm, the cock starts its work, and fucks all the 200 hen at the farm. The farmer is pretty impressed.

After lunch, he notices that the cock again fucked all the 200 hen. The farmer thought, "Ok, maybe now it will stop." But no...

My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised

He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

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An old Jewish man is on his deathbed

And he asks for a priest. "A priest?" asks his concerned wife. "Don't you mean a rabbi?" No, no." is he adamant, "a priest, a catholic priest." His wife, fearing he is losing his mind, is still not convinced. "What do you need a priest for?" "I want to convert." Wife is naturally shocked. "Convert? ...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

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The Great Debate

Several centuries ago the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community so the Pope offered a deal.

He would hold a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Ita...

A nun asks her class, “When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?”

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

If you were born in France. Raised in England moved to Canada and died in the USA what are you...?

Dead.

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It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter...

It was autumn, and the Indians on the reservation asked their new chief if it was going to be a cold winter. Raised in the ways of the modern world, the chief had never been taught the old secrets and had no way of knowing whether the winter would be cold or mild. To be on the safe side, he advised ...

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

Little Johnny is in class one day...

The Teacher says "Okay class I have a math question. There are 3 birds sitting on a fence. If you shoot one of them off, how many are left?"

Little Johnny jumps up with his hand raised and says "NONE... After you fire the first shot, they will all fly away!"

Teacher says "Well, the cor...

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

I was in court today and there was a lady with her husband

The lady was getting trialed for theft, so the judge asked her what she had stolen.

The lady responds "I stole a can of peaches your honour", and after a few moments after thinking about this, the judge asked her how many peaches had been in that can.

Hesitantly, the lady tells him t...

My parents didn't raise a quitter!

They raised a procrastinator.

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

A kilted Scotsman

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman ...

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

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A man joins a new hunting club.

His first night at the lodge, he asks around for the guy with the best hunting stories.

“The man over there in the wheelchair is named James. He’s 90 years old and has been hunting all over the world for 70 years. He’s got some great stories”.

So the man walks over, introduces himself...

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Raise your hand if you've been caught masturbating on a Zoom call.

Maybe you should have raised the other hand.

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

Back in 2006, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully...

Did you hear that automobile sales have raised drastically?

It's all due to car-owner virus

I was raised in a nuclear powered family.

My parents were so obsessed with appearances that external pressure overcame their repulsion for me.

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home,
which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education
a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time ...

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[NSFW] Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was reading the story of “The Three Little Pigs” to her class and came to the part of the story where the first little pig was trying to get building materials for his house.
She read: “And so the little pig when up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:<...

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth

A Scandinavian woman get to the hospital to give birth. When time come the doctor tell the woman: now push! But since Scandinavian women are strong and built, the baby shoot past the doctor onto the wall an smash to death.

Next year the woman come back to give birth and this time they are pre...

< Healing >



A guy in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked
the waitress for a cup of coffee. The guy looked across the
restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress
nodded "yes," so the guy requested that she give Jesus a cup of
coffee...

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Pe...

My boss was giving a presentation and no one was asking questions

So my boss says:
“The person who asks the first question will get a raise, the second will get a promotion, and the third will get a million dollar”

So I raised my hand and said “I have three questions”

A Samoan man gave me a detailed history and explanation of his heritage, culture, and the country in which he was raised

Those specific islanders!

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Damn Little Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting in class on a Thursday and the teacher made an announcement. She said that she was going to start asking one question every Thursday and if anyone got the correct answer school on Friday would be dismissed. So the first question was...How much does the earth weigh? Little v...

I was gambling with a farmer last week and apparently had a really good hand, so good to the point that he bet his livelihood, all 397 of his cattle.

He really raised the steaks

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