Raised Jokes - 48 Hilarious Raised Jokes

I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Medusa, King Midas, and Oedipus raised a child together

That would be one stone, gold motherfucker

TIL that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32.

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

NSFW A teacher asked her class if anyone could use the word contagious in a sentence. One girl raiser her hand and said, “The mumps are contagious” “Very good”, said the teacher, “Would anyone else like to try?” A boy raised his hand and said,

“Our next-door neighbor was painting her house by herself, and my dad said it would take the contagious.”

At 23:59 31.12.2015 I raised my left foot off the ground

Just to be sure I start 2016 on the right foot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer who raised chickens had just bought a young rooster and put it in his coop...

Soon the young rooster struts up to the old one and says, "Okay you old fart, time for you to retire. I'm in charge of the hens, now."

"Are you sure?" the old rooster asks, "It's pretty challenging watching over all these hens and keeping them in line, especially for a youngster who doesn't h...

Two guys were working at the airport, when a foreigner walked up to them. He asked them in Spanish, where the luggage pick up was. Neither could understand him, so they raised their hands and shook their heads that they don't understand...

He asked again, in German.

Again, the two workers did not understand him.

He tried in Polish and then again in French, but both times, the employees couldn't understand him.

He walked away trying to find someone else who could help him.

One guy turned to the other guy and...

President Trump: "I've raised THE BEST kids....."

".....They are the most polite people you have ever seen. Just today Don Jr. has already said "Pardon Me, Dad" at least 10 times. He has such great manners!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

A husband and wife who worked for the circus went to an adoption agency. The social workers there raised doubts about their suitability.

The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home,
which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers then raised concerns about the education
a child would receive while in the couple's care.

"We've arranged for a full-time ...

I never knew XI was raised as an American experiment...

But I've seen Stranger Things.

The bar has been raised

Apparently, buildings are also subject to necromancy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

I can't understand how funeral directors have raised the price of funerals....

By blaming it on the cost of living!

I was raised in a broken home

My father was a drunk carpenter.

In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".

I guess we're just raised differently.

After running his fingers over the raised Braille lettering on the surface, the blind man looked terrified

A passing man noticed this and asked him, "What did it say ?".

The blind man responded, "RADIOACTIVE. DO NOT TOUCH"

Have you heard about the kid who was raised by Dolphins?

He went on to live a life of porpoise

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

What do you call a rabbit that's raised indoors?

An in-grown hare!:)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood.

On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.

On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy”. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a “tragedy”.

One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs ove...

Met a girl who raised bees

She was a keeper.

My friends said she was no good for me. At first I denied it, but I caught her cheating and now I'm a bee-leaver

I was raised by horses

I had a pretty stable childhood

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was raised to

I was raised to treat the janitor with the same respect as the CEO.

So I said, "Fuck Off" to my Boss.

I was raised to believe that girls never lied.

So when I was out with my best friend at the cinema, one of the female workers there said she knew how to get into the cinema for free, so I believed her. She took me to an empty cinema and started to lower the lights and started to remove her clothing. I was confused but I went along with it. The m...

When I was 8, I had a friend who was raised by atheists.

He once told me, “I don’t know where Adam and Eve is...”

“Are,” I corrected. “And they’re in heaven.”

“I don’t know where Adam and Eve are,” he corrected. “But my mom and dad sure do shop there often.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community..

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'si...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boy tells his father "Dad, my math teacher is asking to see you.”

The father asks "What happened?"

“Well, she asks me, 'how much is 7 x 9?' I answer '63' , then she asks, 'and 9 x 7?' so I ask 'what's the fucking difference?'"

"Indeed, what is the difference?" says the father. ''Sure, I'll go.''

The next day, the boy comes home from school an...

A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

I was raised in a nuclear powered family.

My parents were so obsessed with appearances that external pressure overcame their repulsion for me.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

A sixth grade teacher asks her class how many were Trump fans.

Despite them not knowing what a Trump fan was but wanting to be liked by the teacher, they all raised their hands. Well, all except for little Timmy.

The teacher looks over to little Timmy and asks, “Timmy, why are you bein...

What do you call fractionally raised beer?

Root beer

I only eat beef raised on marijuana...

I like it when the steaks are high.

I raised money for charity by dressing up as Cruella De Ville.

I had 101 donations.

My parents didn't raise a quitter!

They raised a procrastinator.

Did you hear that automobile sales have raised drastically?

It's all due to car-owner virus

My parents raised me anti-Vax.

They always preferred Dyson.

I was raised by my father,

my mother took off before I was born.

My father who is a janitor said his position at work was raised

He will be cleaning the 40th floor instead of the 39th.

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

People tell me I raised my child the wrong way.

When in fact pulleys are very efficient.

\[OC\]

I was raised by my father..

He's schizophrenic but he’s good people.

I was raised as an only child.

My siblings took it pretty hard.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle,” he said.

"You may pass through the pear...

What do you call someone who has been raised by garlic?

Garlic bred

What do you call a stallion raised by a reclusive author on whole grain wheat? [oc]

A Thoreau-bred thoroughbred fed thorough bread.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.