Two rednecks join the army, after a couple of years they both are higher up in the ranks

Jim-bob "hey huck, we got to go to that STD talk later", huck "No we dont", jim-bob "why not ?", huck " because them STD's only affects the privates"

They say the more you drink, the higher is your tolerance.

Not true. My grandpa is an alcoholic, yet extremely racist.

Everything's higher these days. Food. Gas.

Me.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

Did you know a lot of animals can jump higher than trees?

This is mainly due to the fact trees can't jump.

What's the difference between a point in a distribution whose value is much higher than the rest and Boris Johnson?

One is an outlier to the right, the other is an outright liar.

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

A soldier ran up to a nun

A soldier ran up to a nun, Out of breath he asked: "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police officer ran up and asked: "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied: "He went that way."

After the Military P...

Can a kangaroo jump higher than Empire State Building?

Ofcourse ! The Empire State Building can't jump

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

A man is sitting in a new sports car when a little girl pulls up beside him on her new bicycle she just received for Christmas. She knocks on his window, which he rolls down to see what she wants.

"Wanna race, mister?" she asks, ringing her bell and twirling the elastic streamers on her handlebars.

"Sure," the man laughs. The light turns green and he floors the pedal. The car takes off like a shot and he leaves the little girl in the dust.

A few seconds later though, he sees som...

Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks has never been higher.

What number is higher than infinity?

420

The average fox can jump higher than a house.

This is in part due to their powerful hind legs, but mainly because houses can't jump.

Credit: u/Ineedabarfbag saw in a comment

Biden has a higher approval rating among female voters than Trump

However it was the Mail voters that won Biden the Election.

Why are people on higher floors funnier?

They have a type of elevated humor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

Two Trump supporters die and go to heaven

God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions. One of them says, “Yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud?”

God says, "My son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232.”

After a fe...

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New sex position.

Have you tried the new sex position? "The Froggy Style."


Much like Doggy style, only you aim an Inch higher.

And watch how high she leaps.

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A man walks into a sex shop to purchase a small see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife th...

For all my life my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fire place, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral I compulsively got my tools out and raised it six inches higher ...

... I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

A man is on vacation in Spain.

He stops at a local inn to stay and is having a drink down in the bar.

Once there he was challenged by the bartender to win a free meal and a drink. He needs only score higher on a trivia quiz against a very smart chicken.

Amused and figuring he couldn’t lose to a bird he accepts. Th...

After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than him

“I don’t understand,” he complained to God. “I devoted my entire life to my congregation.”

God explained to him, “Our policy here in heaven is to reward results. Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?”

“Well,” the minister had to admit, “some in the ...

Edibles

A town banned marijuana so they fed it to the cattle. The steaks have never been higher.

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

TIL a white tail deer can jump higher than a standard house.

A white tail deer with their powerful hind legs can jump 8 - 12 feet high whereas a standard house can't jump.

TIL: bumblebees can fly higher than mount Everest

Kinda obvious. Considering mount Everest can't fly

It is being reported that black and ethnic minority groups are at higher risk to Coronavirus

As if this virus wasn't bad enough, it turns out it is racist too.

It's true that vaccinated kids have higher chances of becoming autistic

Because they actually live to develop it

A priest and a nun are driving to a monastery

A priest and a nun are driving in a car towards a monastery, priest behind the wheel.

Approaching the red light, priest places gently his hand on the nuns knee to which the nun looks at him and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10”. Priest apologies, removes his hand and keeps on driving.
...

A flat Earther goes to heaven.

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing ...

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Who ranks higher than private dimes?

The dollar general

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

TIL The higher you drop a piano, the higher the note that plays when the piano hits the ground

For example, drop it all the way down a mine shaft and it'll hit A minor

Who's the only organization with a higher death rate than PETA?

The Make-A-Wish foundation.

Ashli Babbitt and Kevin Greeson die and go the Heaven...

At the Pearly Gates they see God who tells them he will answer any question. They look at each other and ask, "Who won the 2020 election?"

Exasperated, God responds, "Oh for the love of...! Biden! Biden won the presidency in a free and fair election! There was no grand conspiracy. The machine...

Why are atheists bad at exponents?

Because they don’t believe in a higher power.

Not to brag, but I recently aced the drug test at work.

Nobody got higher than me.

A soldier approaches a nun.

"I don't want to be rude, but can I please hide under your dress? I'll explain later." Said the man.

"Go ahead", answered the nun.

Two high ranked army-officers walk up and ask the nun: "have you, by any coincidence, seen a soldier?"

After the officers disappear the soldier lea...

I’ve never been able to count any higher than seven in French...

It turns out I’ve got a huit allergy

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."
The driver says, “Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly, dear - you know that this car doesn't have cruise...

Did you know that when someone likes you, their voice goes higher when talking to you?

That's probably why the girls I talk to sound like batman.

A Group of Basic Girls Will Have a Higher Concentration of HOs.

However, a group of acidic girls will have a higher concentration of Hs.

The owner of a large cow farm walks into his barn

He sees that almost 80 of his cows have been packed tightly into the barn and the whole place smells of marijuana. He looks around at several of his farm hands who are smoking and shocked asks, "What are you doing?! OSHA is on their way for an inspection right now!"

One answered, "We know, ...

Vaccinated children have a higher chance of getting autism.

After all, you have to be alive to get autism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I did some research...

and Chinese people like listening to music on their phones with earbuds, black people like portable speakers, Mexicans prefer cheaper systems in their home with big speakers and white people like higher end but compact systems...

Sorry, I guess I shouldn't be discussing racial stereo types.

Oh hey girl, what's the difference between you and a pair of glasses?

Glasses seem to fit a bit higher on my face

I went to a Trump rally the other day, and the only thing higher than the average IQ of the crowd...

Was the average BMI.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women speak at a higher pitch when they talk to someone attractive...

That's why every girl I talk to sounds like fucking Batman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For some reason pee jokes rank higher than poop jokes. I don’t care.

Number 1 doesn’t mean shit!!

What’s the most intense moment in history?

When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.

The steaks had never been higher.

I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,

50% of them will still be below average.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An intestine claimed to have a higher IQ than the brain.

But the intestine was full of shit.

I wish Youtube would only allow videos in 1080p or higher from next year on

That would be a nice New Year's resolution.

My dad claimed he could jump higher than a 7 foot fence.

Of course he was right though, Fences can't jump at all!

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

For-profit healthcare is a great system that benefits patients and ensures higher quality care.

lul

When someone explains something of higher intellect, don’t feel inferior, feel grateful.

It means more than you know.

There were two Qanon believers who were absolutely convinced that Trump won the 2020 election

They were traveling together and were killed in a traffic accident. When they got to heaven, God met them and told them that he’d reveal anything about Earthly life they’d always wanted to know. They asked him how Biden stole the 2020 election. God looked kindly upon them and said, “Biden didn’t ste...

What's higher than the sky and lower than the sea?

The Netherlands.

The Pope is visiting Canada.

After completing his visit, the Canadian government gives him a chauffeur-driven car to see the natural beauty of Canada. After 20 kilometers through Canada, he says to the driver:

"Oh, let me get behind the wheel. I'm from the narrow Papal States, and I always have to sit in the back of the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

Everyone thinks Muhammad Ali was the best boxer in history, but Jim Jones had a way higher number of KO's...

900 with just one punch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know how to title this but according to higher-ups, this should be labelled as a repost so yeah. Enjoy

A guy walks over to his neighbour and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the guy asks her "Do you have a vagina?" The woman looks at him in disgust and slams the door on him.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guy walks over to his neighbour, knocks on the door and when s...

What'll get you higher, weed or a ladder?

The latter.

My boss: Why should I higher you as a Reverse Psychologist?

Me: You shouldn’t

The finals of any sport World Cup is like cows on an airplane.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Circumsized men have a higher chance of developing clairvoyance.

When you lose one sense, the other senses make up for it.

Foreskin lost, foresight gained.

I got fired for not accepting a raise at my job this week because I didn't want to lose money paying higher taxes in the next bracket.

I sure feel bad for the accountant they hire to replace me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Covid-19 study produced some startling results.

Data was conducted from a
[email protected] online survey in Italy
from April 7 to May 4, 2020. In it
were 6,821 participants 18 or older
(4177 women, 2,644 men), and
results from it show that erectile
dysfunction was significantly higher
among men than among women.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As Notre Dame burns, a terrified Quasimodo climbs higher and higher to escape the flames

but of course the poor creature is hopelessly trapped, and the crowd gathering below yell "Jump, Quasimodo! Jump!"

Quasimodo jerks his thumb over his shoulder, yells "Harroo hink hirris, a hucking harra hoo?" and climbs still higher.

Again the flames pursue him, and again the crowd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tale of two friends !!

One was a very bright student while the other one was quite dumb. The brighter one always helped the other passing exams be it a class test or end term exams. The teachers were quite furious with them and at last, called upon a meeting to discuss with the principal what could be done. All came to th...

It is scientifically proven that those who vaccinate have higher rates of autism.

Because the non-vaccinated children never lived long enough to be surveyed.

The carbon dioxide levels in our atmosphere are now higher than they’ve ever been, but there are ways that we can reduce that number by half.

Divide it by 2.

After extensive research, I've concluded that unvaccinated children will have a higher chance of not being on the Autistic Spectrum

Instead, they have a considerable higher chance of being dead...

Ferdinand the Bull was on one side of a fence

Elsie the cow was on the other. She winked at Ferdinand. Ferdinand snorted and jump over the fence.

"I'm Elsie the cow. You must be Ferdinand the Bull."

"Just call me Ferdinand. The fence was higher than I thought."

The Ocean' Sea Level should actually be a lot higher.

Thank God for them sponges.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Jewish guys are chatting in a park...

And the first one is complaining about his son. He says, “My son recently left home for the first time. He came back, and it turns out he converted to Christianity! What do you think I should do?”

The second Jewish guy says, “You’re not gonna believe this. My son left home and when he came ba...

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the...

I have a higher IQ than Batman and Donald Trump combined.

By the way, Batman has a higher IQ than me.

Two guys are waiting in the unemployment line.

Two guys waiting in the unemployment line worked side by side in the factory for 17 years before it closed down.

First guy up to the window doesn’t speak good English.

The Clerk asks, “What was your occupation?”

Man: “Dieselfitter”

Clerk: (looks in book) “ok that’s $795...

Two guys are arguing, whose grandfather was higher.

-Mine was high as a tree.
-Mine was higher, as a mountain .
- Mine was so high, that he could touch the stars.
- Were the stars round?
- yes
- Were they warm?
- yes
- So that was my grandfather's balls.

A crow sits on a telephone pole, doing nothing - looking stupid

A crow is sitting on a telephone pole when his mate, another crow arrives.

Crow#2 asks his friend: "Hey buddy, what are you doing?"

Crow#1: "Nothing really, just sitting here and looking stupid"

Crow#2: "Sounds cool, I wanna try that, too!"

An hour later a 3rd crow arrive...

A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...

A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot ...

Did you know that you can transfer into a much higher paying job in IT with almost no training?

Apparently its all about networking...

Who has a higher recycling rate than a recycling plant?

r/Jokes

Why can't Trump supporters ever get into higher levels of mathematics?

Cause they can't grasp the concept of integration.

(all credits to my friend if he reads it here but didn't post it himself!)

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