My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.

It's much nicer having some company.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are these two old ladies who share a fence.

They love to gossip. One day the one woman goes "I've got a bone to pick with you. I heard you said my son was a hoodlum." The other woman goes "That's NOT what I said. What I said was he dresses like those rappers on TV." A few weeks go by and the other woman says "I heard you've been talking about...

[NSFW] Three guys go to a ski lodge. There aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed for the night.

In the morning, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "Last night I had the wildest, most vivid dream that I was getting a handjob!"

 


The guy on the left wakes up and says, "That's incredible. I had the excact same dream!"

 

The guy in the middle ...

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

...so we’re going to go on a date next week...

What can you share and keep at the same time?

STD.

Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, ”Mum’s probably going to kill me”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever a guy doesn’t share my sense of humor I tell them that my jokes are a lot like blowjobs.

You don’t get them

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad just told me his favourite WWII joke and told him I'd share it

During the war in a concentration camp the POWs were made to line up. The first person would say; "Tik" then the person behind him would need to respond with; "Tok" So they did.

It went
"Tik, Tok, tik, Tok, Tik" until the man behind him also said "tik", this made the German officer mad w...

Found this and thought I should share

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I tried to share a bag of chips with a homeless guy.

He said, “Fuck off. Get your own.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)

​

Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman look...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option?!

I don't want my friends knowing i use Google+

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do an expectant teen mom and her baby share in common?

They are both thinking **"Fuck!, mom is going to kill me!"**

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a k...

Heard this joke one time, made me chuckle. Wanted to share it.

Donald Trump, Leonardo Dicaprio, The Pope and a 13 year old school child have all been kidnapped and put on an airplane with only 3 parachutes for the 4 of them.

Leonardo Dicaprio takes one of the 3 and says "I am very famous and all of my fans would be sad if I died." so he took one and jum...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

Why don’t shrimp share their treasure?

Because they are shellfish.

Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician?

Because they always want a large sample

Don't share eye drops..

You never know where that person's eye has been.

A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

Sherlock Holmes shares good news with Watson at a pub one night...

"I've gone and found myself a girlfriend!" exclaims Holmes.

"Well, right on!" said Watson. "You must tell me more about her."

"She's on the short side, extremely innocent, and she's a determined, hard-working schoolgirl."

"A schoolgirl, eh? Good to hear she cares about her educ...

I had a great joke about boomerangs that I wanted to share but I can't remember all of it.

It'll come back to me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

My family's surname is depressant, we all share a bleak outlook on life.

Except for my auntie.

I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

My son told me a joke and I thought I would share it with you all!

My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt. She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”

My teacher told a joke today in class, and I thought I would share it here

He said, "When brain transplants are possible, I would get a brain of a racist. You know why? Because they have never been used before".

I had a birthday cake and decided to share it with my friend.

I decided to cut one quarter of the cake and gave it to him and I kept the rest for myself.

He started crying and whining about how selfish I was.

Me: Alright, so if you were in my position what would you do?

Friend: If it was my birthday cake, I would give you the bigger piece ...

My 7yo loved the dinosaur joke so much he wanted to share his joke:

What do you call a 3 humped camel?



Pregnant...

3 guys were in an apartment and had to share the same bed for the night.

The next morning the guys decided to share their dreams they had the night before.

The guy sleeping on the left said, “I had a dream that I received the most amazing handjob!”

The guy sleeping on the right said, “No way! I also had the best handjob in my dream!”

The guy sleepin...

Neighbour pased away last week. My friend and I went to a gathering held by the family of the deceased lady, to share our condolences. After a while standing, my friend whispers "what is the WiFi password?". I give her a severe look: "Have some respect, we're at a funeral!!!"

"With no spaces?"

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

What did a run on sentence and a used pencil share at the same time?

A very dull point

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

My dad is pretty open about his cross dressing habits, and willing to share with anyone that asks.

He's well known for his transparency.

Why didn’t the warden let married couples share a cell?

She was worried that they’d finish each other’s sentences

My fellow investors mocked me for buying shares in Nitrous Oxide.

It's the laughing stock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Redneck Car Share

A redneck girl asks her daddy if she can borrow the truck this weekend. “Sure thing Mary Grace, but y’all know if daddy does a favour for you then daddy needs a favour in return and y’all know what your daddy needs! Your momma don’t be doing no favours for daddy these days”
&nbsp;

The ...

What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files?

Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.

The key to a long marriage (My 85 year old uncle, a retired investment stock broker, used to tell this to his clients. He told it to me and I thought I'd share it)

A pastor was addressing his congregation about marriage and staying together. He asked his flock:

"How many couples have been married for 1 year?"

a bunch of hands rose

"How many couples have been married 5 years?"

Still a lot of hands rose

"How many 10 year couple...

Me and my best friend share an Amazon Prime account so we can reap the benefits..

I guess that makes us

###Friends With benefits

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.

&#x200B;

The h...

A Cardinal comes rushing into the pope’s private residence in the Vatican and says ‘Your highness, I have some extremely important information that I need to share with you’.

The pope looks at the cardinal with some concern and says ‘Ok, let’s hear it’.
The cardinal takes a deep breath and says ‘Well I’ve got some really good news, and I’m afraid I’ve got some really bad news’.
The pope walks over to the Cardinal and places a hand on his shoulder and says, ‘No...

A revolutionary new product allows fathers to share a mother's pain during labour.

Mr Smith is happy to try it out and help his pregnant wife, and when the special day arrives, he tells the nurse to strap him up.

"Mr Smith, you are a very brave man. The machine has 10 settings, starting at the very manageable level 1, and going up to level 10, which will give you all of yo...

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

Never try to share with a crab.

They're shellfish.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've heard that couples who are close sometimes share pictures of their bowel movements

But it turns out my wife isn't a fan of my shit-posting.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Grandfather shares his experience to the young fellow!

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked, "How often should you have it?"

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you...

So I thought I would share a time travel joke with you guys..

But you didn't like it.

The President of Brazil, France and United States share a flight around the world

The United state president puts his hands out of the windows and says:

"We are in the US! I just touched the Statue of Liberty"

Some time passes, the French president puts his hands out and says out loud:

"Now we are in France. I just touched the Eiffel tower".

After a wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You know the best thing about having a penis?

You get to share it with people who don't.

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

So my wife said to me, "I swear, it's like all men share one brain"

I wanted to think of a clever comeback, but it wasn't my turn to use the brain