This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sven and Ole are asked to identify a body. (Sad to discover after Googling that this will be a repost, but I was recently told this by my 86 y/o Wisconsinite grandmother and wanted to share.)

So Sven and Ole get a sad call to learn that their good friend, Anders, has passed away and they need to identify the body.

When they get to the morgue, Sven goes in first. The doctor uncovers the body and Sven says, “Aww gee, that sure looks like Anders...could ya flip him over and spread h...

An American pastor, a British pastor and a Nigerian pastor were asked how they determine God's share of their Church offerings

The American pastor says he draws a circle, then throws all the money up, and all the ones that fall within the circle is God's share.

The Bristish pastor responds, "I draw a line, then throw all the money up. All the ones that fall to the right I give to God."


When the Nigerian pa...

What do dogs and trees share most in common?

They both come with bark

One my dad taught me years ago, couldn't find it with a search so I thought I would share

So this girl is going on a ride with her good friend Louie who's known for being a pretty reckless driver, she has to hold on for dear life while he cruises through a red light and she chastises him for it. Louie isnt concerned though, he says "my brother Vinny does it all the time"

They co...

I am so happy and proud of myself and I thought I should share with you!!!

Today I saw myself on TV when I turned it off.

If you bring lobster to class, you better share.

Or else it would be shellfish

Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?

The piece of shrimp was shellfish!

What common enemy do the Hulk and Kung Fu Panda share?

>!stairs!<

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife decided to share some morbid news with our six year-old in the car...

"My best friend lost her father on Saturday," she said.

"That's rather careless of her," replied my daughter.

3 men go on a skiing holiday in the Alps and have to share the same bed

In the morning the following conversation takes place.

Man on left: “I had a dream last night that I got a hand job.”

Man on right: “No way, I also had a dream about that as well!”

Man in middle: “That’s funny I had a dream I was skiing.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men checked into a hotel. The clerk at the counter told them there are only one room left. Three men decided to share the bed.

Next morning, the man that slept in the right side of the bed said, "I had a really weird dream last night, I dreamed that someone jerked me off."

The man that slept in the left side said, "That's weird, I had the same dream!"

The man in the middle said, "I had a different dream, I dre...

I was feeling lonely, so i bought some shares.

It's much nicer having some company.

A girl once told me it always seems like men share one brain.

I couldn’t think of a good comeback since it wasn’t my turn to use the brain.

My friend from Cairo keeps trying to sell me his time share property...

... I think it might be a Pyramid Scheme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wanted to share a sandwich with a homeless guy today.

He said, "Fuck off, go get your own."

A woman calls her husband at work to share some news.

“I’m kind of busy right now, babe, can’t it wait until I get home?”

&#x200B;

“Not really,” she replies. “I’ve just got to share some good news and some bad news.”

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“All right,” he replies, playing along. “I’m in a rush, so just give me the good news.”
<...

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and it turns ou there aren't enough rooms, so they have no choice but to share a bed...

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

My 6-year old nephew asked me to share his joke with my Internet friends, so enjoy!

Q: Why did the window frame hurt?

A: It had window pains!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Whenever a guy doesn’t share my sense of humor I tell them that my jokes are a lot like blowjobs.

You don’t get them

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are these two old ladies who share a fence.

They love to gossip. One day the one woman goes "I've got a bone to pick with you. I heard you said my son was a hoodlum." The other woman goes "That's NOT what I said. What I said was he dresses like those rappers on TV." A few weeks go by and the other woman says "I heard you've been talking about...

Me and my wife share the cost of weed.

We take it out of our joint account.

What do you call when a metal shares the negative energy to his non-metal bestfriend?

an ionic bonding moment

What can you share and keep at the same time?

STD.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit...

...so we’re going to go on a date next week...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)

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Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman look...

My history teacher always makes this joke so I just wanted to share it. Government conferences shouldn't be called conferences.

They should be called government man dates.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why the fuck does pornhub even have a share to google+ button..?

I don't want anyone to know I have a google+ account...

Found this and thought I should share

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got in trouble for telling this joke in 5th grade on share a joke day.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess with three handsome suitors.

Each suitor tried their best to charm the princess, but the princess could not choose which handsome suitor to marry.

The princess did love ping pong though, and so she decided to test the suitors' love.
...

What do pregnant teenagers and their babies share?

They both think, ”Mum’s probably going to kill me”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad just told me his favourite WWII joke and told him I'd share it

During the war in a concentration camp the POWs were made to line up. The first person would say; "Tik" then the person behind him would need to respond with; "Tok" So they did.

It went
"Tik, Tok, tik, Tok, Tik" until the man behind him also said "tik", this made the German officer mad w...

How do dolphins and whales pass down and share knowledge through the generations?

Via podcasts, naturally.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

Heard this joke one time, made me chuckle. Wanted to share it.

Donald Trump, Leonardo Dicaprio, The Pope and a 13 year old school child have all been kidnapped and put on an airplane with only 3 parachutes for the 4 of them.

Leonardo Dicaprio takes one of the 3 and says "I am very famous and all of my fans would be sad if I died." so he took one and jum...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option?!

I don't want my friends knowing i use Google+

Every time I get greedy and take more than my fair share, I break out in hives.

I must be allergic to selfish.

Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a k...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do an expectant teen mom and her baby share in common?

They are both thinking **"Fuck!, mom is going to kill me!"**

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An RAF pilot from WWII goes to a girls high school to share his experiences in the war

He said: "And there was a fucker behind me, to the left of me, to the right of me, fuckers everywhere!" The head mistress turned pale and said: "Ladies, the Fokker was a German aircraft." The veteran said: "That may be Madam, but these fuckers were in Messerschmidts"

A beautiful woman has a car accident.

I could tell you how it ends, but you'd be better off reading the version /u/H343now1 posted:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a\_rabbi\_and\_a\_priest\_get\_into\_a\_car\_accident\_and/?ref=share&ref\_source=link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/936pgk/a_rabbi_and_...

Surely it can't be a coincidence that Kermit the Frog and Alexander the Great share the same middle name...

Hmmmm

Don't share eye drops..

You never know where that person's eye has been.

Why shouldn't you share your food with a statistician?

Because they always want a large sample

I had a great joke about boomerangs that I wanted to share but I can't remember all of it.

It'll come back to me.

My son told me a joke and I thought I would share it with you all!

My mom said I couldn’t get a frozen yogurt. She said “do you think I’m made of money?”
Then I said, “isn’t that what mom stands for?”

My family's surname is depressant, we all share a bleak outlook on life.

Except for my auntie.

Sherlock Holmes shares good news with Watson at a pub one night...

"I've gone and found myself a girlfriend!" exclaims Holmes.

"Well, right on!" said Watson. "You must tell me more about her."

"She's on the short side, extremely innocent, and she's a determined, hard-working schoolgirl."

"A schoolgirl, eh? Good to hear she cares about her educ...

My teacher told a joke today in class, and I thought I would share it here

He said, "When brain transplants are possible, I would get a brain of a racist. You know why? Because they have never been used before".

I received a call from a man trying to sell shares in Egyptian property.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Skyrim guards and Pornhub share a similar rule

No Loli Gagging

I told you I was broke

A little lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning" said the young man. "If I can take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high power vacuum cleaner"

"G...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

My 7yo loved the dinosaur joke so much he wanted to share his joke:

What do you call a 3 humped camel?



Pregnant...

I had a birthday cake and decided to share it with my friend.

I decided to cut one quarter of the cake and gave it to him and I kept the rest for myself.

He started crying and whining about how selfish I was.

Me: Alright, so if you were in my position what would you do?

Friend: If it was my birthday cake, I would give you the bigger piece ...

3 guys were in an apartment and had to share the same bed for the night.

The next morning the guys decided to share their dreams they had the night before.

The guy sleeping on the left said, “I had a dream that I received the most amazing handjob!”

The guy sleeping on the right said, “No way! I also had the best handjob in my dream!”

The guy sleepin...

Two crabs wouldn’t share their food

That’s shellfish.

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

They just announced the next Fast and Furious movie where they will go undercover as ride share drivers in Asia

It's called Tokyo Lyft

Neighbour pased away last week. My friend and I went to a gathering held by the family of the deceased lady, to share our condolences. After a while standing, my friend whispers "what is the WiFi password?". I give her a severe look: "Have some respect, we're at a funeral!!!"

"With no spaces?"

My preacher started a sermon with this joke the other week that was actually pretty funny and i thought i would share it with you guys

Alright so in this small rural town there lived two brothers. All of their lives they went around doing horrible things to people that ranged from Vandalism, Stealing, Battery, etc. One day one of the brothers dies and the other brother goes to the town preacher to arrange his funeral and asks him,<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Redneck Car Share

A redneck girl asks her daddy if she can borrow the truck this weekend. “Sure thing Mary Grace, but y’all know if daddy does a favour for you then daddy needs a favour in return and y’all know what your daddy needs! Your momma don’t be doing no favours for daddy these days”
&nbsp;

The ...

I come from a family of scientists who share the surname 'Matter.' We all get along, just like the particles we study.

Except for my Auntie Matter.

What do you call it when two Frenchmen share files?

Pierre-to-Pierre transfer.

My dad is pretty open about his cross dressing habits, and willing to share with anyone that asks.

He's well known for his transparency.

Why didn’t the warden let married couples share a cell?

She was worried that they’d finish each other’s sentences

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Anyone know where I can find someone to share a bond of mutual affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations?

Asking for a friend.

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