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I gotcha 3 wishes...

Into my pub one evening, strolled the craziest sight to behold for a Saturday night. This classy looking rolled/player walked to my counter with a gorgeous lady on his right arm, a younger looking woman on his left arm and a leprechaun on his shoulder.

Roller: Barkeep, bring a martini for ea...

The lead actress for Avatar Korra is going to be so hard for M. Knight Shyamalan to cast

Gotcha :)

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

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Two men are fishing one day, when the game warden approaches them and asked to see their fishing licenses.

One man takes off running at a full sprint, and instinctively the warden chases after him.

He chased the man over a hill and through a field, around the lake, and through the town, until finally he catches up with him.

“Aha! Gotcha! Now show me your fishing license!”

“Sure thin...

Gotcha!

A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, "What's that for?"

"It's for your headache."

"I don't have a headache."

He replies, "Gotcha!"

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Stroke of Genius

A deaf newlywed couple are on their honeymoon about to consummate their marriage. They get in bed and turn the lights out. Seconds later the wife turns her bedside lamp on.
Wife: Honey, we need a way of communicating in the dark.
Husband: You're right. Suggestions?
Wife:Ok. If you want sex...

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A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

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A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Newton, Einstein and Pascal meet in Heaven.

They’re bored, so Einstein suggests they play hide and seek. Einstein starts counting to 10. Pascal runs to find a good hiding spot, Newton on the other hand stays in place. He draws a 1 meter by 1 meter square with chalk on the ground and stands in it. Einstein finished counting, turns around, noti...

What's the best way to attract the attention of a pervert?

An NSFW tag (gotcha!)

Me : Alexa where is my dad?

Alexa : Your dad is at a strip club in Las Vegas

Me : Haha! gotcha alexa my dad is right next to me

Alexa : Your mom's husband is next to you, your dad is at a strip club.

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

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A notorious loan shark is driving drunk one night...

As he's speeding down some curvy mountain roads, the shark loses control of the vehicle and crashes head-on into a tree.

When he comes to, the man finds himself lying on a sofa in a fairly modest looking waiting room. Dizzy, he looks around and sees what appears to be a reception desk at the ...

Where does Donald Trump like to do his shopping?

Traitor Joe's.


^(Gotcha!)

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Arthritis Thumbs

*This is a story a co-worker told me.*

A man walks into a diner, he orders Roast Beef with mashed potatoes and gravy.

*The worker there walks out with his thumb in the mashed potatoes.*



Customer: Why's your thumb in the Gravy?

Worker: Oh, I'm sorry, would you like...

So one evening, just before bed....

...... I handed my wife a glass of water and some pain pills for her headache.

She said, “But I don’t have a headache.”

So I smiled and said, “Gotcha!”


(Probably a repost from somewhere, but I’m just remembering this old joke from years ago)

[OC] My mother has been tracking this mosquito for a while...

When it finally landed, she smacked it and exclaimed, “HA!


GOTCHA YOU MOTHERSUCKER!”

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Questioner: Can you explain the birth of Jesus Christ from scientific point of view?

Me: OK, I’m not sure why it falls on me to be the one to tell you this, but I’m up for it, I guess. You see, when a mommy and a daddy love each other very much…

Questioner: No, no, no!

Me: What?

Questioner: I don’t want an explanation of where *babies* comes from. I want an expl...

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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.

I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.

-Too close to the fire hydrant.

-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?

Slightly annoyed, t...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

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I came home and discovered my wife had died in bed..

I thought I would hop on for one last go for old time’s sake. Just as I was about to pop the bitch opened her eyes and shouted “gotcha”.
 
I mean seriously, some people are just fucking sick in the head!

Whats the word from which no matter how many letters you remove, it still remains the same?

Postman, ha gotcha

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A man tells his wife "Here's your aspirin, my dear."

Wife: Why are you giving me an aspirin? I don't have a headache.

Man: Gotcha! Let's fuck!

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are running away from a insane killer.

After some time running the brunette spots a barn.

They all run into the barn to find there's only three big brown burlap sacks to hide in.

The redhead says "follow my lead" and jumps into one of the sacks.
The other girls jump into theirs too.

Soon after, the k...

3 guys are sentenced to death...

They say to the first one "you can choose how you want to die: shot, hanged, or with the electric chair". He says "getting shot is too violent, and I don't want to be hanged. I choose the electric chair". He sits on it, but when they turn it on the electric chair doesn't electrocute him, so he is le...

How to catch a Redditor

gotcha

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A hippie enters the bus...

Upon entering the bus he spots a nun in the back sitting quietly. He comes up to her and says:
.

-Yoo girl wanna have sex ?
.

The nun started screaming and left at the next bus stop. Te bus driver saw that, called the hippie and said
.

-Hey man, I know a way you can ha...

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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

He looked at me and said, 'It will cost you £40 if you are sick on my seats, buddy. OK?!'

'Right,' I slurred. 'Gotcha...'

I was heaving all the way home. The driver was cautioning me. Eventually we stopped outside my house and he said, 'That'll be £55, then, please mate.'

I thre...

A boss and his cannibal employees.

Boss: "I think I'm done! But before leaving I want to give all of you a gift of roasting me on my going away party."

Employee 1 (Jokingly): "My mouth is watering already."

Boss: "Yeah. And I can already see it everyone's eyes that they've always wished to grill me."

Employee 2: ...

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A sneaky question in a Police interrogation.

Investigator: "Now there's a couple of things I want to know; who's the murderer and what's the square root of -1?"

Suspect: "It is i."

Investigator: "Gotcha bitch!"

Einstein, Tesla, Newton, and Pascal are all playing Hide 'N Seek

It is Einstein's turn to be it. So he covers his eyes and slowly counts to 20.

Tesla climbs up a tree, Pascal jumps behind a bush, and Newton stands right where he is and draws a 1m x 1m square around him.

"...eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" exclaims Einstein....

Ketchup and rubber buns

DAD: "Ok, so after every question i ask you you must say ketchup and rubber buns".

KID: Gotcha.

DAD: what did you buy at the store?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What did you have for dinner?

KID: Ketchup and rubber buns.

DAD: What do you do when an ol...

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

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So a duck walks into a bar

DUCK hey

BARTENDER Holy shit, you can speak?

DUCK Yeah, I can sing tenor opera too goddammit, you wanna pick your jaw of the goddam bar and get me a cold beer an a cheese sam'ich?

BARTENDER Sure thing, sorry, comin' right up. So, ah, you new around here?

DUCK Yeah I'm jus...

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The leprechaun

A man got himself a wee bit too drunk on St Patrick's day and is stumbling towards home. As he comes up to his stoop he trips and goes flying headlong into the bushes. Much to his surprise he spies a leprechaun and managed to nab him by the neck. "I gotcha! Now show me to your pot o gold!" He slurre...

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John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

The apprentice lion tamer

The old lion tamer is retiring, and is training a replacement. He and the apprentice stand outside the lion cage.

Apprentice: "So, what if I'm in the cage and the lion starts getting aggressive?"

Lion tamer: "Well, you have to assert dominance. Stare him in the eyes to show him you're ...

TIL: Norwegian women are so hot, because vikings only took the most beautiful women as prisoners.

Gotcha ?

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