Q: Why did Captain Kirk go in to the ladies room?

A: Because he wanted to go where no man had gone before.

I don’t understand why people are so scared to go in dressing rooms…

But I guess it’s only fitting.

Three guys go in for a job interview.

The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says:

“By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?”

“Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!”

“I’m sorry, says the intervie...

When I'm too tired to properly shower, I just go in, do a quick spin, and leave

It's called a 360 no soap

I invented a new golf ball for amateurs that will automatically go in the hole if you get it within four inches.

Disclaimer: Do not carry it in your back pocket!

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."

She was watching our wedding video again.

Where do snowmen go in a medical emergency?

The ICY-U

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?

>!Gum!<

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn’t need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappear...

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The tattoo parlour in my town is offering a free tattoo if you go in and flash your boobs.

It’s a Tit for Tat special.

No matter where you go in the world...

There will always be a women there who has made £9750 a month working from home

Where should Spongebob fans go in the hospital?

The Squid-ward

If you go in for surgery now the anesthesiologist will offer to knock you out with gas or hit you over the head with a boat paddle.

It’s an ether/oar situation

(Ether is the name of the gas used)

Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks." She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."

They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. It’s so dark he can't see anything so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."

She says, "Thank you." He says, "You m...

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

Yeah man, I tell ya what, man, that dang ol’ internet, man, you just go in on there and point and click, talk about w-w-dot-w-com, mean you got the naked chicks on there, man, just go click, click, click, click, click, it’s real easy, man.

OK, Boomhauer

Before you go in the bathroom you're American, after you leave the bathroom you're American, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European

I played CS:GO in Antarctica

My computer kept freezing

My 10 year old son just told me this: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, then what are you IN the bathroom?

You're A Peein'

Three ducks go in to a bar..

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.
He turned to the se...

Where did Timmy go in the explosion?

Everywhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and a friend go in a bar...

My friend who is homosexual was high, so he was looking zoned out.

The bartender asked why he looked confused. I said because he wasn't thinking straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During my check-up, I asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I guffawed, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

why do scuba divers go in the water backwards?

because if they go forward they would fall inside the boat.

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

How do they play Pokemon Go in Gaza Strip?

They grab a round rock from the ground and say: "Pick-a-jew"!

Where do people go in Skyrim to buy ice cream?

To their local Dovah Queen

What is a gerbils favorite place to go in Europe?

Hamsterdam

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk go in a bar.

Bartender says “what is this, some kind of joke?”

(I made up this joke when I was 10 or so, at least I hope so)

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.

My parents can be so rude...

Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

Why should you never go in to a furniture store with a constipated man?

He can never pass a stool

A man was once called by the king to go in a bear hunt

When they returned in the evening, the man's friend asked him how the hunt went

Man: Marvellously

Friend: Really? How many bears did you kill?

Man: None

Friend: Okay. How many did you catch?

Man: None

Friend: (now very baffled) How many did you see, at leas...

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry man, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don’t u...

My 2-year-old wouldn't come out of the carnival bounce house, so the attendant had to go in and get him

I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about him getting thrown out of places by bouncers until he got older.

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was in a coma. The doctor says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but its a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her"

I said "By God".
He says "I've seen it work"
So i go in there, I'm in there about five minutes and i come out.

I say, "Doc, shes choking"

Where should you go in the event of a zombie apocalypse?

Old folks home. Nobody has teeth to bite you!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, there were 4 sisters who were going to go in to confession.

The first sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession. I have seen a man's penis".

The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Dip your eyes in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 5 Hail Marys. Send in you...

When it's my time to go, I want to go in my sleep, like my grandpa did.

Not screaming and crying like the other people in his car.

What is a Pokémon's favourite place to go in France?

Paras

What kind of ships can't go in salt water?

Snail-boats

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men approach the gates of heaven and before they can go in God has to hear their stories of how they died

Three men approach the gates of heaven and meet up with God. Before God can let them in, he has to hear the stories of how they die. God asks the first man, "How did you die?"

Well said the first man, I was a construction worker working on the roof when I slipped and fell. I managed to grab o...

Why don't they play CS:GO in the jungle?

too many cheetahs

Where do you go in the room when you're cold?

The corner, it's 90 degrees.

Where do cantaloupes go in the summer?

To John Cougar's Mellencamp.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?"

"I blitzed it."

shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine

now days they have cameras

What happens when you play Pokemon Go in Africa?

You caught: AIDS!

Why is it forbidden for ants to go in a church?

They are in-sects

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she's going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again. He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room. She does as promised. Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 ...

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a smiling security guard in the bathroom at the strip club i go to... [Long]

Night or day doesnt matter, you go in and he just stares you down while you’re using the pisser with the biggest smile on his face.

Ive tried talking to him several times but he just stands there and smiles like the queens guard or some shit. I figured i would test him a bit and see what i c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard on the Underground

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cro...

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