After years of trying to convince my wife of the need to spice up our love life, she took one look at me as I walked in the door from work and told me I was too dirty, go in the back door.

Unfortunately, I must have misinterpreted something. I need bail money and a divorce lawyer.

Three ducks go in to a bar..

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.
'Huey,' was the reply. 'How's your day been, Huey?'
'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.
'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.
He turned to the se...

I have invented a golf ball that if its at least 3 ft from the hole it will go in.

Just dont put them in your back pocket......

If you go in the bathroom as an American, come out of the bathroom as an American, what are you inside?

European

I invented a new golf ball that’ll automatically go in the hole if it gets within four inches.

Do NOT carry them in your back pocket.

I was plying Pokemon GO in the park the other day

The craze of Pokemon GO may well have died off for most people but I still love it and play all the time.


I was in my local park the other day when my absolute favourite Pokemon appeared!
It was over by a group of girls so i tried to contain my excitement so I didn't draw attentio...

Where did Timmy go in the explosion?

Everywhere.

I go in hard but come out soft, and I never mind if you want to blow me. What am I?

Bubblegum.

Where do people go in Skyrim to buy ice cream?

To their local Dovah Queen

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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Me and a friend go in a bar...

My friend who is homosexual was high, so he was looking zoned out.

The bartender asked why he looked confused. I said because he wasn't thinking straight.

My 10 year old son just told me this: If you're American when you go in the bathroom, and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, then what are you IN the bathroom?

You're A Peein'

Me and my one arm girlfriend went shopping together and passed a second hand store. She asked if we could go in.

I told her she won’t find what she’s looking for.

What is a gerbils favorite place to go in Europe?

Hamsterdam

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

Why did the hermit crab refuse to go in his shell?

Because he was claw-strophobic!

Why should you never go in to a furniture store with a constipated man?

He can never pass a stool

A priest, a rabbi, and a monk go in a bar.

Bartender says “what is this, some kind of joke?”

(I made up this joke when I was 10 or so, at least I hope so)

I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it’s also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place?

The church is St Antony’s and the brides’ name is Joanna..

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During my check-up, I asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?" He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now." I guffawed, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair.

The chemist was brought forward first. "Do you have anything you want to say?" asked the executioner, strapping him in.

No," replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the che...

A man is watching tv and starts yelling "No! No! DONT GO IN THE CHURCH!!!"

The wife from another room asks: "honey what are you watching?"

Husband: our wedding video

I was walking outside of the Microsoft Store at the mall tonight when my wife asked if I wanted to go in and look at anything.

I told her “No, I’m just Windows shopping.”

My 2-year-old wouldn't come out of the carnival bounce house, so the attendant had to go in and get him

I really thought I wouldn't have to worry about him getting thrown out of places by bouncers until he got older.

I have a great idea for a place for kids to go in the summer where they can meditate and relax

These Concentration Camps are going to be huge!

How do they play Pokemon Go in Gaza Strip?

They grab a round rock from the ground and say: "Pick-a-jew"!

why do scuba divers go in the water backwards?

because if they go forward they would fall inside the boat.

When it's my time to go, I want to go in my sleep, like my grandpa did.

Not screaming and crying like the other people in his car.

There’s a guy with a Doberman Pincher and a guy with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pincher says to the guy with the Chihuahua, "Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us."

The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman Pincher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. A guy at the door says, "Sorry man, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pincher says, "You don’t u...

I went by the house I grew up in, and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door.

My parents can be so rude.

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My wife was in a coma. The doctor says to me, "There's one way to wake her up, but its a little unconventional. You go in there and you have oral sex with her"

I said "By God".
He says "I've seen it work"
So i go in there, I'm in there about five minutes and i come out.

I say, "Doc, shes choking"

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Once, there were 4 sisters who were going to go in to confession.

The first sister entered, and spoke with the priest. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been 1 week since my last confession. I have seen a man's penis".

The priest stated, "You are forgiven. Dip your eyes in our bowl of holy water to cleanse them, and say 5 Hail Marys. Send in you...

When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes.

Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

My girlfriend was cooking for our guests. She told me to go in and prepare the table.

So I walked in and told them all about her cooking.

Why did the fire fighter go in to save his friend first, and then fight the fire?

Because... bros before hose!!! Wubbulubbadub-dub!

Where do cantaloupes go in the summer?

To John Cougar's Mellon Camp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men approach the gates of heaven and before they can go in God has to hear their stories of how they died

Three men approach the gates of heaven and meet up with God. Before God can let them in, he has to hear the stories of how they die. God asks the first man, "How did you die?"

Well said the first man, I was a construction worker working on the roof when I slipped and fell. I managed to grab o...

What kind of ships can't go in salt water?

Snail-boats

What is a Pokémon's favourite place to go in France?

Paras

Why don't they play CS:GO in the jungle?

too many cheetahs

shops have changed so much. In my day you could go in with a pound and get a bag of crisp and a magazazine

now days they have cameras

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So a ton of people go in for a job interview and the final two prospects are...[racist?][dirty]

...a Harvard grad, and a Polak.

Leaning toward no particular preference, the hiring manager decides to put them to a test. "You both have 30 minutes to write a poem," he says. "But the catch, is that it has to end in Timbuktu. The best poem gets the job." Both men accept the instructions and ...

Where do you go in the room when you're cold?

The corner, it's 90 degrees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?"

"I blitzed it."

Why is it forbidden for ants to go in a church?

They are in-sects

A night out with 1$ [NSFW ?]

Two men only have a dollar for their night out and they want to get wasted.

So they go into a night shop and buy a sausage. The first bar they go in they order 2 beers each.

When they decide to leave, one takes out the sausage and places it between his legs. The other bends over and ...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

I got locked out of my car outside an abortion clinic.

It was VERY awkward to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

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