Go Into Jokes - 76 Hilarious Go Into Jokes

A infinite number of mathematicians go into a bar...

The first one orders one beer. The second one half of a beer. The next a quarter, the next one eighth, and so on...
The barkeeper is very annoyed and gives all of them together two beer.

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

Two people go into an empty bus...

three go out.

The biologist says: "They reproduced"

The physicist says: "There was a measuring error"

The mathematician says: "Now one has to go in so there\`s noone in the bus"

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

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A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred...

A Grandfather tells his Grandson, "When I was a boy, you could go into a store with change in your pocket, and come out with a loaf of bread, lunch meat, and a bottle of milk.

The Grandson replies, " You can't do that anymore Grandpa, there's too many cameras now".

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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A man is about to go into a bar on a Saturday afternoon when he hears a voice behind him call out "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around ready to give the busybody a piece of his mind, but he holds his tongue on seeing it is an elderly nun, and instead he says "Excuse me, Sister, but why would you be calling this delightful hostelry such a hard name?"

"Because it is the devil's water they sell there," she cries...

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub

The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.

Two priests go into the shower

In the shower they notice that there are no soap.

One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back...

3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue"..

Nuns look at the s...

whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard

That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her

If you go into a bathroom as an American, and you come out of a bathroom as an American, what are you when you're in the bathroom?

European

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An Englishman, Irishman and a Scott go into a bar:

The three men order themselves a pint. In a strange coincidence a fly lands in each mans brew.
The Englishman says, "I, I cont drink this. May i ave another?"
The Scot grunts and chugs his beer down fly and all.
The Irishman leans down really close, grabs the fly by it's wing and screams "S...

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Bedbugs go into beds, fruit flies go into fruit

Introducing: The Cockroach

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".

The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

A Priest, a stalker and a murderer go into a bar.

He orders a beer.

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

Two 5 year old boys are in the hospital waiting to go into surgery. The first boy asks the other, "What are having done?"

"I'm having my tonsils taken out."

"Oh you're going to love it. I had that done last year and I got to eat ice cream for a week. Best week ever."

The second boy asks, "What about you?"

"Circumcision," the first boy replies.

The second boy responds, "I had that done when ...

Doctor said if I don’t stop drinking, I’ll go into a seizure and die

Oooh I’m shaking

I just go into a fight with a friend. He thinks all races are equal, but I think some races are far superior....

Like the marathon. That takes a lot of stamina, and is a far superior race.

And if you thought this was going somewhere else... you need to take a good hard look at yourself!

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

Why did the physician decide to go into dermatology?

No reason, it was really more of a rash decision.

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

A seminary student from a small town decides to go into the big city...

He came across a street walker who said, "BJ $50". After walking another block, he came across another who also said, "BJ $50".

After he returned to the seminary, he asks a nun, "What is a BJ?". Nun answered, "$50, same as in town."

Three strings want to go into a bar But there is a sign on the door that says, “No strings allowed.”

The first string says, “I got this.” He walks into the bar, jumps up on a stool and says, “I’ll take a beer.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you a string? Get out of my bar!”

So the string goes back out side.

The second string says, “Don’t worry I got this.” He walks into t...

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed

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NSFW... A waitress and a chef at a Chinese restaurant go into the walk in fridge at work.

They are both overtaken with horniness and start to fool around.

The waitress says, "I want 69."

The chef says, "Why do you want Beef with Broccoli now?"

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

I like to go into book shops and browse for a book with a 'Signed Copy ' sticker on it.

Peel it off and stick it on a Bible.

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops.

One of them says "That's the one I'd get". So the cyclops hit him.

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

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My wife was about to go into town and she said

..."I've got a new broom in the back of the car"

To which I replied: "No, I think you ought to drive"

(short pause)

wife: "You bugger!"

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.

"I'll have the steak", says Putin.

"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.

"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

A guy doesn't go into a bar...

Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos!!!!

Happy Halloween redditors!!!

Two dwarfs go into a bar ...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an a full erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouti...

Why did the black person go into confession?

Because he wanted to know what it is like to speak to a father

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A bra and a booster cable go into a bar. The bartender says to the bra "Get out."

"Why?" yells the bra.

"Well," says the bartender, "you're off your tits, and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."

A man and a little boy go into the local barber shop.

The man has his hair done and then sits the young man in the chair.
"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the boy's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your Dad's forgotten you".

The...

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

Two reasons why I don't let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool

1. I don't have a swimming pool.
2. I don't have a girlfriend.

If your students are too tall, just go into a brighter room.

Your pupils will get smaller.

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New inmates are lined up to go into prison

Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"

Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"

The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. ...

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

I tried to go into a restaurant playing Pokemon go.

I couldn't get in though. The servers were too busy.

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

So a dad and his son go into a bar...

His son is literally only a head (doesn’t need vital organs to live in this joke)
Sons birthday so the dad buys him a shot
Son takes shot and boom he becomes a full bodied functional man
Dad is so happy he says shots all around
The son takes another shot and dies
Dad is now crying hy...

2 jump leads go into a bar..

Barman says “I’m happy to serve you but don’t go starting anything”

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

He felt like bacon.

Why did the man go into the pizza business?

He wanted to make some dough.

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

Been sitting in the ER all night. Don’t really want to go into details but...

The “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading product name

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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

Why do scuba divers dive backwards to go into the water?

Because if they dived forward, they'd fall in the boat.

A Father Is Explaining Ethics To His Son, Who Is About To Go Into Business.

"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars' worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a hundred dollar bill.

But as she goes out the door, you realize that she's given you two hundred-dollar bills.

Now, here's where the ethics come in: Sho...

With all the Coronavirusyou can't just go into a hospital to have a baby any more..

..instead you get it delivered.

A bog, a marsh, and fen go into a bar. The bartender says

Wow, I'm swamped.

Three individuals go into a bar.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, if you are going any further, you need some sort of identification.”

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it comes within 4 inches.

Note to self: Don't carry them in your back pocket.

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