Three strings want to go into a bar But there is a sign on the door that says, “No strings allowed.”

The first string says, “I got this.” He walks into the bar, jumps up on a stool and says, “I’ll take a beer.”

The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you a string? Get out of my bar!”

So the string goes back out side.

The second string says, “Don’t worry I got this.” He walks into t...

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If I go into my attic, stand on a chair, toss my dick up over a rafter, then tie it around my neck. Then kick the chair out from under me.

Am I Hanged, or Hung?

If you're American before you go into the bathroom, and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?

European.




That's what.

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A Man And A Dog Go Into A Bar

The bartender says, "You can't bring that dog in here!"

The man says, "But he's a special dog!"

The bartender rolls his eyes. "Don't tell me. He talks and says 'bark' and 'roof'."

"No!," says the man. "I give him money, tell him what I want, and he goes to the store for me. When...

I like to go into book shops and browse for a book with a 'Signed Copy ' sticker on it.

Peel it off and stick it on a Bible.

Three guys go into an interview at the local telephone company

Three guys go into an interview for a job at the local telephone company. They were all three great candidates and very well qualified. The boss brings them into the office and says "Okay, you three look the best on paper but I gotta know if you have what it takes for the day to day work. So, I'm go...

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

How does a squid go into battle?

Well armed

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My wife was about to go into town and she said

..."I've got a new broom in the back of the car"

To which I replied: "No, I think you ought to drive"

(short pause)

wife: "You bugger!"

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub

The Englishman decides to leave and drags everyone else out with him.

I was queuing to go into the supermarket when the man in front of me farted.

Before I could say anything, he said, "If you heard anything it means you're not following social distancing. But if you can smell it, luckily for you it means that you're covid negative!"

Two guys go into a hat shop run by a cyclops.

One of them says "That's the one I'd get". So the cyclops hit him.

When i was a kid, you could go into a store with a dollar and walk out with a soda, 4 candy bars, chips, and some gum...

But now, they have security cameras everywhere

[not my joke, I got it from somewhere just don't remember where, and it's provably unfunny but it made me laugh a lil]

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

They want to buy a gallon of MD2020, the clerk says I can’t sell alcohol to nuns. The nuns say it’s for mother superiors constipation, so he sells it to them. A half an hour later the clerk goes to take out the trash and he finds the two nuns stinking drunk. He says Sisters I’m shocked, you said it ...

Three hunters go into the forest

One is really good, one is ok, and the third one is bad.

the first day, the good hunter goes out and comes back after a few hours with two deer. Astounded, the other two ask how he did it. he says "simple. I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer, and bring it home fo...

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

When I go into a drug store, the pharmacist is usually high.

Why are many drug stores constructed with the area behind the counter a few steps higher than the rest of the store?

Scientists say, "Eat before you go into a grocery store, so you don't buy as much."

That does not work in a liquor store.

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

Kylie Jenner tries to go into the ocean for a swim but gets stopped by the life guard

The life guard says “U can’t go in there,
There’s already enough plastic in the sea”

Why did the chicken go into the restaurant?

To see a chicken strip.

(if someone already said this joke before, I'm sorry, I didn't see it)

Why did the ghost go into the bar?

For the boos!!!!

Happy Halloween redditors!!!

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A Jew and an Arab go into a bakery. The Arab immediately steals three pastries and puts them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

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A bra and a booster cable go into a bar. The bartender says to the bra "Get out."

"Why?" yells the bra.

"Well," says the bartender, "you're off your tits, and your mate looks like he's ready to start something."

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

A man and a little boy go into the local barber shop.

The man has his hair done and then sits the young man in the chair.
"Now wait here when your finished, I'm just off to do some shopping." says the man and leaves without paying.

Two hours later, the boy's still waiting, when the barber says, "I think your Dad's forgotten you".

The...

The CEO of Heineken, Bud and Carlsberg go into a bar.

The bartender asks them what they want to drink. The CEO of Carlsberg says, give me a Carlsberg.

The CEO of Bud says, give me a Bud light.

The CEO of Heineken hesitates and orders a glass of water.

They ask him, why did you order water? He replies, well if you guys are not ord...

Why wouldn't the string go into the eye of the needle?

It was afreyed.

A couple is on their honeymoon in the Caribbean, and they go into a shop so the husband can get his ear pierced.

They walk up to the counter, and the husband says, "I'd like to get my ear pierced to celebrate our honeymoon! How much will that cost?"

The shopkeeper replies, "It'll be $20, plus the cost of the earring you get. If that works for you, you can go pick out the earring while I set up to pierce...

Two reasons why I don't let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool

1. I don't have a swimming pool.
2. I don't have a girlfriend.

2 jump leads go into a bar..

Barman says “I’m happy to serve you but don’t go starting anything”

I used to go into shopping centres and rotate the body parts of the mannequins...

I don't think everyone noticed, but I certainly turned a few heads.

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Three Englishman go into a pub

They sit down at a small round table and order three warm beers. They're sitting there drinking them when one of them notices an Irishman at the bar.
"See that Mick over there? I'm gonna go rile him up." So he goes over to him and says "Hey mate I hear your Saint Patrick was a pussy!" ...

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New inmates are lined up to go into prison

Guard in front yells "Everyone have your personal effects out for inspection! You ate allowed ONLY ONE item!"

Towards the back of the line a new inmate asks the guy in front of him, "Hey buddy....what you bringing in?"

The reply was "pastels and chalk. Gonna teach myself how to draw. ...

A Portuguese, a Greek, and a Spaniard go into a brothel. Who pays?

Germany.

Two priests go into the shower

In the shower they notice that there are no soap.

One of them says "Il go to my room and bring 2 soap bars" runs naked to the room, grabs 2 bars of soap and when he was running back...

3 nuns show up, first thing he remembers to do "freezes like a statue"..

Nuns look at the s...

So a dad and his son go into a bar...

His son is literally only a head (doesn’t need vital organs to live in this joke)
Sons birthday so the dad buys him a shot
Son takes shot and boom he becomes a full bodied functional man
Dad is so happy he says shots all around
The son takes another shot and dies
Dad is now crying hy...

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A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video"

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

If your students are too tall, just go into a brighter room.

Your pupils will get smaller.

Doctor said that if I don’t stop drinking, I’ll go into shock and die of a seizure

Oooh I’m shaking...

Been sitting in the ER all night. Don’t really want to go into details but...

The “Dyson Ball Cleaner” has a very misleading product name

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[Nsfw] [long] An aging father has decided to go into assisted living

Because he didn't want to burden his son. He had been having trouble around the house and had a few scary falls. His son begged him to stay at his family's house, because he felt that this was the best plan.
"Dad, please! Stay with us! I've heard those places are horrible!" His father says "No wa...

Why did the man go into the pizza business?

He wanted to make some dough.

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Boyfriend and girlfriend go into a restaurant and sit down in a booth. There is a man sitting at the bar, checking the woman out, up and down.

As the boyfriend gets up to go to the bathroom,
the man walks over the the girlfriend, sits down
right across from her and looks her right in the
eyes. Without blinking he says, "I want to suck
your nipples raw, and fill your pussy up with
Tequila, and sip it out with a straw." Need...

Two square roots of nine go into a bedroom...

Together, they have six.

Two chemists go into a bar. The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too".

The bartender then gives them two glasses of water because he doesn't keep freaking Hydrogen Peroxide on the bar counter.

Putin and Medvedev go into a restaurant

"What would you gentlemen like to have?" asks the waiter.

"I'll have the steak", says Putin.

"Excellent choice, sir. What about the accompanying vegetable?" asks the waiter.

"He'll also have the steak", says Putin.

An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

A bog, a marsh, and fen go into a bar. The bartender says

Wow, I'm swamped.

The FBI, CIA and KGB go into a forest for a rabbit hunting competition.

They each have 2 days to do it and whoever finds a rabbit the fastest wins. First, the FBI go in. They go in with the latest and greatest rabbit locating equipment, and it’s clear that they have prepared for a while. They come back after two days with a rabbit in hand. Next, the CIA go in. Their equ...

whenever my wife starts singing around the house I immediately go into the yard

That way the neighbors know I'm not hitting her

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“Back in the day,” my grandfather would say, “You could go into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and some butter as well....”

"But today, they got cameras everywhere!"

A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred...

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A man travels to Spain for vacation and decides to go into a restaurant.

After sitting there for a while trying to decide what to eat, he sees a waiter bring out a bowl of soup to the table next to him.
He tells his waiter "I'll have what he's having"
The waiter politely explains "that is the bull testicle soup and we only serve it once a day after the big bull f...

I invented a new golf ball that will automatically go into the hole if it comes within 4 inches.

Note to self: Don't carry them in your back pocket.

Three individuals go into a bar.

The bouncer said, “Sorry, if you are going any further, you need some sort of identification.”

Why shouldn’t you go into the jungle at 4pm?

Because that‘s when the elephants jump down from the plum trees.

Why do elephants have small blue eyes?
So that they can hide in plum trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a plum tree?
See, that proves how well the camouflage works.

Why are crocodiles so flat?
Becau...

Why did the black person go into confession?

Because he wanted to know what it is like to speak to a father

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

King Midas's son never wanted to go into the gold statue business.

But his dad gilded him into it.

A racist, an animal abuser and a murderer go into a bar.

The bartender says: "What will it be, officer?"

Three vampires go into a bar

Bartender asks to first vampire that what he would like to drink. First vampire wants a glass of blood. Bartender asks the second vampire the same thing, second vampire wants a glass of blood too. Bartender asks the third vampire and third vampire asks for only a glass of hot water. Bartender supris...

Ever since I failed Calculus I can’t go into the woods

There’s too many natural logs for my liking

These three blondes where going to purchase a Christmas tree but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.

The first blonde said "I dont care how long it
takes us I want a perfect tree."

The other two blondes agreed saying "We won't
leave untill we find the right one."

Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and
hungry friends an...

Why do scuba divers dive backwards to go into the water?

Because if they dived forward, they'd fall in the boat.

3 boys go into the candy store

The first one asks for a dollar's worth of jelly beans. The jelly beans are in a jar high up on a shelf, so the candy man has to get out a ladder, climb up the ladder, take the jar down, count the jelly beans, climb back up the ladder, and put the jar back on the shelf. The 2nd boy says, "I'd also l...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together.

The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look...

When you go into the restroom you are Russian. When you come out of the restroom you are Finnish. So what are you inside the restroom?

European.

I made the resolution to wash 5 dishes every time I go into my kitchen and it's totally working!

I don't go in my kitchen anymore.

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Paul Bernardo and a woman go into a forest....

The woman says:Paul I’m scared


Paul:you’re scared? I’ve to walk out of this fuckin place alone

Why do Broward County Police Officers never go into bars?

They heard shots were inside.

Paddy is about to go into the bar for a little refreshment when he hears someone yelling "Do not go into that house of sin!"

He turns around on the point of telling the interfering busybody to feck off, but he holds his tongue when he sees that it is a nun, and instead he lifts his hat politely and says "Why must I not go in there, holy sister?"

"Because," rages the nun, "it is the devil's brew that they are sellin...

Why did the philanthropist go into cardiac arrest?

There were many causes close to his heart

A guy doesn't go into a bar...

Unaware, the bartender continues serving drinks to other people.

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A guy and his dog go into a bar...

...and the guy sits down at the bar.
He orders a beer and drinks it, then orders another. The dog sits patiently at his feet. When it comes time for the guy to pay, he looks the barman in the eye and says, "I'm afraid I don't have any money."
The barman is about to kick this joker's ass when...

Two dwarfs go into a bar ...

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two "working girls" and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an a full erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouti...

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A pedophile and a child go into the woods

It's dark and raining. The boy looks up to the man and says, "I'm scared!"

The man replies, "You're scared? I'm gonna have to walk out of here alone!"

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Two kids go into a dining room and see there a man they've never seen before.

They ask him: "Are you our new babysitter?"

He responds: "No, I'm your new motherfucker."

I saw two high school boys go into a bathroom stall together

before juuling, that would have meant something entirely different

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Three men wash up on an island, they find the natives, and the Chief says “Each of you go into the forest and collect 10 fruits of one kind.”

That all go rushing in to the jungle to get the fruit. The first one comes back with 10 apples. The Chief tells him to shove all 10 apples up his ass without showing any emotion at all, if he did so he would live if not he would be killed. The man got to the third when he screeched in pain, and all ...

Whenever I feel fat, I go into the store and buy a Mini Bic.

Each time, I get a little lighter.

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods

A scout master and a cub scout go into the woods late one night, the woods are very dense and quite terrifying at this late hour. As they travel deeper and deeper into the woods the cub scout becomes more and more terrified of his surroundings, "it sure is scary out here scout master Kevin, I'm real...

Two gymnasts decided to go into business

together and because one liked liquor and the other beer and wine, they decided they would open two pubs one directly across the street from the other. Unfortunately they had a falling out and went out of business due to poor marketing. They never could agree on a name for the parallel bars.

Mary wouldn't go into acting.

But Hollywood.

Three blondes go into the woods to find the perfect Christmas Tree

After hours of searching one says:



"Maybe we should just take one of these without the ornaments!?"

When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...

A Vet Vet

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An Irishman a Englishman and a Scottsman go into a bar...

An Irishman a Englishman and a Scottsman go into a bar and each orders a pint of Guinness. Just then three flys come through the window and one land in each pint. The Englishman is disgusted and pushes his glass away. The Scott picks the fly out of his pint, shrugs his shoulders and starts drinking....

Another three vampires go into a bar and sit at a table.

The waitress comes over and asks what they want to drink. The first asks for a glass of O-positive. The second asks for a glass of B-negative. The third says, "I'm on a diet, so I'll just have a glass of plasma."

The waitress turns to the bartender and says, "Eddie! Two bloods and a blood...

I tried to go into a restaurant playing Pokemon go.

I couldn't get in though. The servers were too busy.

Why did the rapper never go into the steakhouse?

Because he had beef with the manager.

Why do Astronauts go into space?

Because some men just wanna watch the world turn.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?

He felt like bacon.

Three little ducks go into a Bar

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.

"Huey," was the reply.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turne...

A Jew, a Muslim, a Catholic, a Protestant, and an Atheist go into a pub.

They all have a nice lunch and leave.

A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...

The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."

Why did the ginger person go into the shoe shop?

For a sole

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A father and his son go into a convenience store.

The father purchases a 6 pack of beer and and pack of cigarettes. The son begs his father to buy him a scratch off lottery ticket, and after some incessant pleading the father agrees.

They return to their car and the father lights up a cigarette. The son asks can I have one of those? The fat...

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