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Invade Jokes

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.
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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

If the Mongol hordes ever invade again

Steppes will be taken.
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If Russia invades Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?
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How do Soviets invade a country?

They Russian.
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I can't believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick
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Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...
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What did the Polish say when Hitler invaded them?

I did Nazi him coming

The U.S. Army invaded an oil factory by mistake during an exercise

I guess their oilfactory senses were tingling
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What would happen if Sweden invaded the country to the East of them?

They would cross the Finnish line.
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George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."
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Why do you need to know gymnastics to invade Russia?

Because you need to be able to make a summerassult.
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Why was the British Politician's Home Invaded?

He forgot to close the Farage.
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Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans
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If Putin invades India and wins

He'll be called Raj Putin
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If Russia and Germany would invade Poland again, who the Poles will shoot at first?

Germans. Business before pleasure.
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Nazis invade Poland so easy?

They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...
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Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?...
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home invader

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me bu...
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Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...
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Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.
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Aliens invade the Earth

Aliens invade the Earth. They round-up the leaders of all countries in the world. Their leader brags to them about how superior and far more intelligent their race is compared to earthlings who are focused on petty differences and destroying their own planet.

Just to give an example of his i...
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When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.
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Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.
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My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.
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Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...
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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

I made the mistake of telling my wife that I like Space Invaders.

Now she won't give me any privacy.
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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

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Why did Hitler invade Hungary?

Because he can't resist a HungAryan :)

I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...

It'd be Seoul destroying
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Hey, have you been playing Space Invaders lately?

'cause your invading my space.
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If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.
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What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded?

Stop it, you're making me Hungary!
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In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...
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WW3 breaks out and Russia invades America

Russian soldiers take the country side while Russian bombers obliterate American cities.
One day a Russian bomber squad is flying to the one city they've yet to bomb which is Detroit.
The pilot sees the city and says
"We've already bombed this city"
"No we haven't" the commander replies...
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What did the Mongol invaders say to the Hungarians when they suddenly appeared and attacked?

"Should have watched your steppe."
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What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam
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My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".
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What did Russia say when it invaded part of Ukraine?

Crimea river.
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How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.
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The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.
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When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.
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How do you fight off a home invader with nothing but a mobile phone?

Please respond quickly.
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Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.
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A village is invaded by the enemy army

During a war, an army enters a village and the commander decides to execute all villagers by the firing squad. But, he also wants to entertain himself and gathers the men and the women across each other. Then, the soldiers blindfold the women and leave the men butt-naked.

The commander says "...

George Bush goes to a primary school

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?

Bob

And what is your question, Bob?

I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq with...
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Did you know that /r/prequelmemes has invaded all of reddit?

It's a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.
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If USA invaded Canada, Russia would save them...

Because they've got poutine!
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What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.
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A joke from WWII

A German soldier is talking to a Swiss soldier:

"How many soldiers could Switzerland mobilize if we were to invade?"

"Half a million within two days."

"And if we invade with a million troops?"

"We shoot twice and go home."
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What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.
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This criminal invaded my house and turned my phone book upside down without me realising.

Instead of the cops there's some angry guy with a pitchfork on my doorstep.
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Yo mama so oily...

The US tried to invade her!
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When the Mexicans finally invade and take over Los Angeles, what will the city be renamed to?

El Eyyyy
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A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...
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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

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So I met a Pirate...

- Mobile user, please excuse phrasing.

So the other day I met a pirate. I mean this guy was the real deal, peg leg, hook for a hand, eye patch, the works. I just had to ask him about it.

"Can I ask how you got the peg leg?".
"Aye, twas a dark, stormy night. I was at sea, surveying ...

What's the fastest way to become a Millionaire?

Be a Billionaire and invade Ukraine.



>NK Lukoil PAO
>
>6.96 USD
>
>\-84.96 (-92.43%)past month
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The president of the Greek football club PAOK invaded the pitch with a gun yesterday, what a fool..

Only the goalkeeper is allowed to use his arms..
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"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"
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Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States
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A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...
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Harvey Weinstein has coronavirus

Must suck to have something invade your body against your will.
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Trump and McConnell are in a restaurant

They are discussing their plans to invade Iran. A man walks by their table, intrigued by their conversation and asks them what they are talking about.

Trump explains to the man, “We’re going to invade Iran and kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman.”

The man exclaims, “Why...
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