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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

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President George Bush was in the Oval Office wondering which country to invade next, when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Bush" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada eh? I am callin' to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!"

"Well Archie," George replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your ar...

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How did the Nazis invade Poland so easy?

They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.

If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear....

... do you think Greece would help?

What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded?

Stop it, you're making me Hungary!

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

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Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

What did Russia say when it invaded part of Ukraine?

Crimea river.

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

What’s a fat person’s favorite video game?

Space Invaders

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

And the world breathed a big sigh of relief...

The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".



Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted "Doctor Who...

The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

Why did China get invaded?

They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.

Harvey Weinstein has coronavirus

Must suck to have something invade your body against your will.

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What did Hitler say to the driver when he got lost trying to invade France?

"take the third Reich"

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

home invader

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me bu...

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Nazis invade a village

Rob, not wanting to be caught, jumps and hides in a well.
A Nazi approaches the well, has a rest, looks inside the well and says:
-Achtung!
-Rob acts as the echo:-Achtung..achtung..chtung
Nazi: -Best be in my way
Rob-Best be on my way..way...way
Nazi:-Grenade in well first
Rob...

My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...

It'd be Seoul destroying

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

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What did Hitler say when the Soviets invaded Berlin?

I Did Nazi That Coming

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

Did you know that /r/prequelmemes has invaded all of reddit?

It's a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

This criminal invaded my house and turned my phone book upside down without me realising.

Instead of the cops there's some angry guy with a pitchfork on my doorstep.

What will the Sith call the earth when they invade and take command?

The Force Reich

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A village is invaded by the enemy army

During a war, an army enters a village and the commander decides to execute all villagers by the firing squad. But, he also wants to entertain himself and gathers the men and the women across each other. Then, the soldiers blindfold the women and leave the men butt-naked.

The commander says "...

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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?...

When the Mexicans finally invade and take over Los Angeles, what will the city be renamed to?

El Eyyyy

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When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.

I figured out how to invade Russia

You destroy all of the vodka then they'll be to sober to shoot straight.

Sending my thoughts and prayers

To all the home invaders suffering an economic blow since the COVID 19 crisis

You know Stalin tried to invade Scandinavia

But he just couldn't finnish

The president of the Greek football club PAOK invaded the pitch with a gun yesterday, what a fool..

Only the goalkeeper is allowed to use his arms..

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

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Why did Hitler invade Hungary?

Because he can't resist a HungAryan :)

If USA invaded Canada, Russia would save them...

Because they've got poutine!

What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

WW2 joke

Germany: Do you like chicken?
England: No
Germany: Do you like curry?
England: No
Germany: Then you won't like what I did
England: Did you make curry chicken?
Germany: No I invaded Poland

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

Why did the Tiger run away from the lion?

The lion invaded the golf-course.

A teenager went to United Nations for help...

The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"

He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."

US: Iraq, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

iraq: No we don't?

\*US invades Iraq*

US: Syria, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

Syria: No we don't!

\*US invades Syria*

US: North Korea, I heard you have weapon of mass destruction!

North Korea: Yeah? What's up with that?

US: No.. nothin...

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A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand

...well that hand is busy.

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A political joke that makes everyone laugh.

One day, North Korea decides that they wish to invade America by destroying it from the inside. They decided to scrap the idea when they realized that there is an entire political party already trying to do that.

George Bush goes to a primary school

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand and George asked, What is your name?

Bob

And what is your question, Bob?

I have 3 questions.

First, why did the USA invade Iraq with...

My face is so oily

That America tried to invade it

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A boat was shipwrecked in the South Pacific, as a result...

A group of people from different nationalities found themselves stranded on a remote and beautiful island. The party consisted of:

-Two Italian men and one Italian woman

-Two French men and one French woman

-Two German men and one German woman

-Two Greek men and one Greek...

Vladimir Putin making a school visit...

Vladimir Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, Little Alina put...

Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

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