The 71+ Best Invade Jokes

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

Remember when Putin said he didn't have any plans to invade Ukraine?

I'm starting to think he was telling the truth.

Zelensky: Why did you invade Iraq?

United States: Because we "suspected" nuclear weapons.

Zelensky: So why not attack Russia now?

United States: Because we know that Russia has nuclear weapons.

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

A large group of Russian invaders on the outskirts of Kharkiv are moving along the road, when suddenly from behind a small hill they hear a voice shout:

"One Ukrainian soldier is better than 10 Russians!"

The Russian commander orders a halt and his 10 best soldiers to go over the hill...

How do Soviets invade a country?

They Russian.

Why was the British Politician's Home Invaded?

He forgot to close the Farage.

Why do you need to know gymnastics to invade Russia?

Because you need to be able to make a summerassult.

If Russia invades Turkey from the rear...

Would Greece help?

George W. Bush couldn't decide what country to invade next...

He says, "It seems we're stuck between Iraq and a hard place.."

If Russia and Germany would invade Poland again, who the Poles will shoot at first?

Germans. Business before pleasure.

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What did the German army commander say when Hitler called to tell him to prepare to invade the Soviet Union?

Am I Heering this correctly?

Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

If Putin invades India and wins

He'll be called Raj Putin

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

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A Medieval polish farmer is out working in his fields one day, and digs up an old magic lamp. He begins to wipe off the dirt, thinking to sell it at market, when suddenly a Genie flies out, offering the astonished farmer 3 wishes.

"Oh Noble farmer, you have freed me from my prison, and for that I grant you 3 wishes! What say you?"

The farmer thinks hard about his first wish, and finally says "I wish for the Mongol hoard to come invade Poland."

The Genie looks at the farmer, puzzled for a moment, then nods. The e...

I made the mistake of telling my wife that I like Space Invaders.

Now she won't give me any privacy.

What did the Mongol invaders say to the Hungarians when they suddenly appeared and attacked?

"Should have watched your steppe."

After a large drive towards renewable energy... America has declared they will now invade the Netherlands...

To steal their wind!

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

School visit

Vladimir Putin, to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.
He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.
At the end of the talk there is a section for questions.
Little Sasha puts her h...

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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...

It'd be Seoul destroying

How do you fight off a home invader with nothing but a mobile phone?

Please respond quickly.

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?...

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When the Alies invaded Normandy,

Hitler did Nazi that coming.

Why did the United States invade Panama?

Just cause.

What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded?

Stop it, you're making me Hungary!

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The king was looking for a prince to marry his only daughter.

Naturally the king was very picky and decided to devise a set of tests only the bravest, storngest and most feirce would even dare.

Princes from all around the world showed up and the tests begun.
After a growling month where more then half didn't even survive, a clear winner came forward...

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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

Ukrainian Peasant finds a Genie in a Bottle

A Ukrainian peasant finds a genie in a bottle. The genie offers him three wishes. He’s a stupid peasant but he knows what he likes.

The peasant says, “I want the Chinese to invade Ukraine from the east and then go back to China.”

So it happens and the Chinese army invaded Ukraine from ...

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

What did Russia say when it invaded part of Ukraine?

Crimea river.

WW3 breaks out and Russia invades America

Russian soldiers take the country side while Russian bombers obliterate American cities.
One day a Russian bomber squad is flying to the one city they've yet to bomb which is Detroit.
The pilot sees the city and says
"We've already bombed this city"
"No we haven't" the commander replies...

What's the fastest way to become a Millionaire?

Be a Billionaire and invade Ukraine.

>NK Lukoil PAO
>
>6.96 USD
>
>\-84.96 (-92.43%)past month

How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

You know Stalin tried to invade Scandinavia

But he just couldn't finnish

Did you know that /r/prequelmemes has invaded all of reddit?

It's a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

home invader

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me bu...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Why did China get invaded?

They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.

If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A village is invaded by the enemy army

During a war, an army enters a village and the commander decides to execute all villagers by the firing squad. But, he also wants to entertain himself and gathers the men and the women across each other. Then, the soldiers blindfold the women and leave the men butt-naked.

The commander says "...

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When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

What do you call an extremely clingy alien?

A personal space invader.

If USA invaded Canada, Russia would save them...

Because they've got poutine!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's it called when you can't stop doing cocaine? Addicted.

What's it like when you smoke every day? Addicted.

If you have a compulsion to bet your money on the horses, you are -- addicted.

Who invaded Ukraine? A dick did.

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

The president of the Greek football club PAOK invaded the pitch with a gun yesterday, what a fool..

Only the goalkeeper is allowed to use his arms..

Three Paddy's stranded in the desert

Three men; Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman and Paddy Scotsman, were stranded in the desert where they found a magic lamp.

Paddy Irishman picked it up, gave it a rub and a genie popped out and exclaimed "You have set me free! I'll grant you all one wish each!"

Paddy Scotsman went first...

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Pole finds a lamp on the beach at Gdańsk

A Polish man walking along the beach at Gdańsk finds a lamp. He tries to polish the crud off it and as he does so >POOF< a genie appears and says to the Pole "for freeing me from the prison of the lamp you have 3 wishes"

The Pole thinks on his good fortune for a few minutes and ...

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

The original joke was in French but I'll try my best

A French boy comes home from school quite frustrated and decides to speak to his father. "Dad," he said

"Yes son?" his dad replied.

"Today, one of my friends from Burundi called me an idiot. He said we colonised his country. What does that mean?"

"It means we invaded his country...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

If two rights make a wrong, what about a third right?

Invades Poland.

On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand

...well that hand is busy.

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