Aliens invade the planet

Aliens invade the planet and take every living being prisoner and contains them in a facilty. The aliens then set up machines here and there which are similar to vending machines but they dispense any animal/human/living thing which they keep as pets. The living being requested is random so it's a f...

What did the Mongol invaders say to the Hungarians when they suddenly appeared and attacked?

"Should have watched your steppe."

If Russia were to invade Turkey from behind,

Do you think Greece would help?

Why is it so hard to invade France?

If you're too slow, they'll surrender.

"Yeah. Those animals across our southern border have ruined their own country and our trying to invade and ruin ours. With their rampent guns and drugs... their government has become a shambles of nut job military and rich drug addicts who don't care about anyone!

Eh?"

The cats are planning to invade Mars. My neighbour's cat told me when it was heavily drunk.

Or was I?

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A burglar invades a house in the middle of the night

While he is slowly moving through the empty and dark house, he hears a strange voice voice coming from the darkness beyond, that said:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Surprised, the burglar points his flashlight at the direction of the sound, only to discover that the sound was made by a parr...

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Simple Economics

SOCIALISMYou have 2 cows.You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISMYou have 2 cows.The State takes both and shoots you

BUREAUCRATISMYou hav...

Why did Germany invade Hungary in WW2

They were jealous of the Hung-Aryans

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

After a large drive towards renewable energy... America has declared they will now invade the Netherlands...

To steal their wind!

How do you fight off a home invader with nothing but a mobile phone?

Please respond quickly.

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How did the Nazis invade Poland so easy?

They marched in backwards and said they were leaving.

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When the Alies invaded Normandy,

Hitler did Nazi that coming.

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

Did America invade Egypt?

...coz the US seems to be in de-Nile.

My girlfriend told me she's leaving me cause I invade her privacy..

Well, she didn't exactly tell me that. I read it in her diary.

What did the Carolingian Empire say when the Hungarians invaded?

Stop it, you're making me Hungary!

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Hitler, Napoleon, and Rasputin are in a bar in Hell recounting their glory days

Hitler: "It vas going so vell, I had conquered most ov Europe and the vorld seemed to be just vithin mien reach...but then I invaded Russia."

Napoleon: "That's nothing. I easily conquered all of Europe. I even became Emporer! It was all goin so well...but then I invaded Russia."

Rasput...

Russia really want to invade Finland so they can rest

As they would cross the Finnish line.

I can't believe all these viruses and bacteria invade my body without permission

Makes me sick

What did Russia say when it invaded part of Ukraine?

Crimea river.

Once upon a time an alien race tried to invade Earth (OC)

Humans were at a loss to protect themselves, then The Doctor came and and protected Earth. Everyone asked, "Doctor Who?"

There was no answer. Humans moved on and named The Doctor, "Doctor Who".



Once again an Alien race tried to invade earth. Helpless earth chanted "Doctor Who...

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

The big questions

VLADIMIR Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, so Little Sasha ...

Canadians are always viewed as nice and polite but so help me, if they invade the US...

They'll be sorry.

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What did Hitler say to the driver when he got lost trying to invade France?

"take the third Reich"

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

I'll be so demoralised if North Korea decides to invade South Korea...

It'd be Seoul destroying

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam

Why did China get invaded?

They weren't ready to face the Khansequences.

My psychiatrist says I invade other people's privacy because I'm "insecure".

Says the guy whose home WiFi password is "password123".

Putin decides to invade Poland

Putin decides to invade Poland. But first, he wants to check the future situation in his country by visiting a fortuneteller.

Putin: Hello! I'd like to ask how much would a 0,7l bottle of vodka in Moscow 2016 cost.

Fortuneteller: Hmmm... it seems about twenty.

Putin: Rubles?!?...

home invader

A home invader breaks into a house and finds a couple in the bedroom and holds them at gunpoint.
The owner points to the woman and says, "You have to let her go right now.
You can have all the money and jewelry in the house, you can have my credit card and car keys.
You can even shoot me bu...

What spell does America cast every time they invade a country in the Middle East?

Expecto Petroleum

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Tyrion devises a cunning plan to invade Westeros...

... but Daenerys, Grey Worm, Missandei, Varys, Yara and Theon are all hesitant about his risky scheme -- so Tyrion says "What, am I the only one with balls around here?"

Did you know that /r/prequelmemes has invaded all of reddit?

It's a surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one.

What did Putin tell the Ukranian government when he invaded western Ukraine?

Crimea river.

My garden has been invaded by hedgehogs.

Pricks.

If Luxembourg invaded another nation,

then they’d probably be hit with a Luxembargo.

What will the Sith call the earth when they invade and take command?

The Force Reich

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Hello! Mr. Hussein?

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo! Mr. Hussein," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy up in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sadd...

When the Mexicans finally invade and take over Los Angeles, what will the city be renamed to?

El Eyyyy

This criminal invaded my house and turned my phone book upside down without me realising.

Instead of the cops there's some angry guy with a pitchfork on my doorstep.

How Many Russians Does It Take To Invade Crimea?

None according to the Russians.

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A village is invaded by the enemy army

During a war, an army enters a village and the commander decides to execute all villagers by the firing squad. But, he also wants to entertain himself and gathers the men and the women across each other. Then, the soldiers blindfold the women and leave the men butt-naked.

The commander says "...

I figured out how to invade Russia

You destroy all of the vodka then they'll be to sober to shoot straight.

Increasing expectation among military analysts in recent days:

United States to invade United States to install democracy

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When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

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Why did Hitler invade Hungary?

Because he can't resist a HungAryan :)

What's a COVID denier's favorite video game?

Space Invaders.

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

Trump and McConnell are in a restaurant

They are discussing their plans to invade Iran. A man walks by their table, intrigued by their conversation and asks them what they are talking about.

Trump explains to the man, “We’re going to invade Iran and kill 10 million Iranians and one bicycle repairman.”

The man exclaims, “Why...

What would happen if Hungary invaded and conquered Turkey?

A new kingdom would be formed known as full.

If USA invaded Canada, Russia would save them...

Because they've got poutine!

What did Harry Potter say when he invaded Afghanistan?

Expected petroleum.

Did you hear about the rumours about Iraq?

I heard they are going to invade America in order to install democracy there.

Harvey Weinstein has coronavirus

Must suck to have something invade your body against your will.

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

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Three guys getting drunk in a graveyard

So three guy were drinking in a graveyard when a demon came to them and said “how dare you invade my domain and disturb me in this hour!” One of the guys said “we’re so sorry it’s just that bars are getting expensive and it’s quiet in here away from our wives and kids”
The demon felt sorry for th...

On the one hand I feel bad that Jeniffer Lawrence privacy was invaded, but on the other hand

...well that hand is busy.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

And the world breathed a big sigh of relief...

The USA decided to invade the USA this year, leaving everyone else safe

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More an anecdote than a joke, but still telling....

As Japan invaded Manchuria, the Chinese general called in his aide for daily reports.

On day one, the aide said, "Not good. More than 2000 Chinese dead, just seventeen Japanese dead."

The general dismissed him without a word.

Next day, the aide somberly reported, "1700 Chinese ...

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A cowboy was captured by a tribe of Indians...

In the morning he was brought before their chief, who said "You invade our land white man, and we going to kill you. But, it is our tribe's custom to grant the condemned three wishes, one each morning for three days, before we kill you at sundown on the third day. So, white man, what do you want ...

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