UPJOKE
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Two redneck guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.

One guy said, "Oh no. An alligator just bit one of my feet off." The other guy said, "Which one?" And the first guy said, "How should I know? All the alligators look alike."

I stood nearby the docks all day trying to search for a huge ship they once told me I would find there…

... but it never showed up. Guess it was all just a ferry tale.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 81, your two hour rental period is up, please return to the dock.

Boat rental intern to manager: uh, sir, we only have 60 boats.

Boat rental manager over loudspeaker: boat number 18, do you require assistance?

A Depressed Young Woman

A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said: "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like...

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A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says: "Son, how much do you make every day?"

The guy replies nonchantly, "150 dollars."

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him 150 dollars, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later, the shipping clerk asks th...

A man goes into a shop in Chinatown and sees a gold sculpture of a rat.

He can't stop staring at it. It's like something is calling out to him. He asks the old man behind the counter "How much for the statue?"

The old man strokes his beard and replies "$10 for the statue, $100 for the story."

"Story? Forget that I'll just take the statue," the man says. He...

After retiring, Mr. Johnson moved into a condo near the ocean. Every morning, while he ate his breakfast, he would look out the window at the ocean.

Almost every morning, Mr. Johnson saw a young man sitting on the dock, fishing. It didn't matter if the weather was good, so-so, or downright terrible. The fisherman seemed to go to the dock every morning.

After he had lived in his condo for a few months, Mr. Johnson noticed something. Some m...

There once was a town out west...

There once was a small town out west, nestled between the Rocky Mountains. The town was built on a stream, with a small lake the stream snaked outward from. Most of the town was employed by multiple large orchards nearby, and the town's inhabitants spent their days at the lake enjoying their time of...

A man is in court. The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!" The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beat...

Why was no one able to go to the dock anymore

It collapsed because of Pier pressure

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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Two fishermen, George and Ted, were leaving the docks one morning when they saw a gorgeous naked woman sitting on a rock. The woman was singing in a lovely soprano voice and doing nothing to cover her perfect breasts.

Figuring the woman was a mermaid, they rowed their boat over to her.

"You have such a gorgeous voice," said George. "Are you a mermaid?"

"Yes," replied the mermaid. "Whenever a mermaid sees a human she likes, she usually grants him three wishes. But since there are three of us, I think...

I saw uncut footage of two guys docking

Sorry if that's redundant

Why is it impossible to park your boat in two places at once?

Because that would require a pair a docks.

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A Priest takes a walk down to the docks one day

and runs into a fisherman that attends his church. Upon hearing that the priest has a few hours off the fisherman invites him out to sea to fish with him.

Out at sea it doesn't take long for the fisherman to realize that the priest has no idea how to fish, so he gives him some quick instructi...

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One day, an excited young boy is visiting the docks when he meets an ACTUAL pirate!

This pirate is the real deal: parrot on the shoulder, peg leg, eyepatch, hook hand, sword on the hip. You could not imagine a more stereotypical looking pirate.

The boy runs up to him, squealing with delight. “Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! You’re a real pirate!”

“Aye, laddie,” the ...

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A young boy ran away to the docks and joined a pirate ship to begin his new life as a cabin boy.

He met the captain, which had a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch. The captain, glad to have another crew member on board immediately put the new cabin boy to work, mostly doing dishes and cleaning and such.

The young boy worked for a month without a single complaint, but the capta...

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

If your boat gets sick, I know a great dock.

It's pier-reviewed.

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One day a kid walked down to the boat dock

There he met a pirate with an eyepatch, a hook hand, and a peg leg.

Kid: Hey mister pirate! How'd ya get that peg leg?

Pirate: Aye, a cannonball blew it off with a bang

Kid: How'd ya get that hook hand?

Pirate: A shark bit it clean off

Kid: How'd ya get that eye pa...

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Hickory Dickory Dock

Two mice ran up the clock. The clock struck one and the other got through with only minor injuries.

Where do sick boats go?

To the dock-ter.

[WP] You are an assassin in WWII trying to find a German defector on a U-boat. Unfortunately you got a little lost on the dock...

Whoops, wrong sub.

A sailor brings his boat up to a restaurant dock to eat lunch.

The dock hand says, “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t let you dine here today. This establishment has a necktie policy, and you are not wearing one.”

“Of course I don’t have a tie on,” replied the sailor, “I’m on a boat!”

“Well, go down below and put one on,” said the dock hand.

“I d...

My friends told me to jump under a dock

I was crushed and broke multiple bones.

Morale of the story, dont give in to pier pressure

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A pirate is selling his loot at a stand on the docks

A pirate is selling some loot at a stand he has set up on the docks. A man approaches and is interested in hearing about how he lost his limbs.

Man: "How did you lose your leg?"

Pirate: "I was fighting off a shark in the sea. He got me leg, but I got one of his teeth. Now I use this wo...

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You see that dock out there?

Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it's the best dock in town! But do they call me "McGregor the dock-builder"? No!

You see that bridge over there? I built that, took me two months, through rain, sleet and scoarching weather, but do they call me "McGregor the bridge-builder"? No!...

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My cousin tried to leave after talking shit about our dock on the lake.

I wasn't just going to let him dis a pier.

There is a pier with two docks. An empty boat pulls up, which dock do the passengers unboard onto?

Well that's the thing, it's a paradox

How do you tie your spaceship to the dock?

With an astronaut.

A man is sitting in the dock at court.

The judge asks the man for his occupation.
"I'm a locksmith, your honour", the defendant replies.
"And what were you doing at the jewellers at three in the morning when police arrived at the scene", the judge inquires.
"I was making a bolt for the door".

A Mexican dock worker is loading a ship...

A Mexican dock worker is loading a boat with a shipment of French cuisine, when his boss happens to walk by. The boss asks, "hey, what's that you're loading over there?"

The dock worker replies, "Es cargo."

How do you ensure a dock gets a fair trial?

Have it decided by a jury of his piers

There's a doctor's surgery in my town that is almost impossible to get to. It's on an island in a lake but there's no ferry or even a dock for private boats.

Every patient that's made it there has flu.

The Captain's red shirt

Bored of living in poverty in the late 1700's, Finn decides he wants a slice of the pie in the high stakes world of pirates. He knows pirates dock down in the bay by his village, so once he spots them, he manages to sneak aboard one of the ships. He eventually gets discovered, and rather than throw ...

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A man is walking down to the docks to check out his new boat.

As he approaches he sees a honest to goodness pirate ship docking nearby. He is beside himself when he sees the most stereotypical pirate hobbling off the boat.

The pirate has a red bandana, a peg leg, a hook for a hand and an eyepatch. The man can't help himself, he has to talk to the guy.<...

I heard about the story of the magical dock

The story goes that the dock was never built by anyone, but one day, it just apiered

Why does the Nintendo switch come with a dock?

Because of all the ports

(Told to me by my wife)

Did you hear about the study done about boat docks?

It was pier-reviewed research!

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Stood in the dock he was addressed by the judge

Stood in the dock he was addressed by the judge and looked up solemnly as he listened, hands clasped together in modest anticipation.

"You are a father, and stand accused of making too many Dad Jokes. How do you plead?"
He looked across at his nervous family before facing the judge again. ...

A famous pirate ship was docking in a free port...

Because the captain needs to find a wood workshop to fix his ship.He finally found one,and upon entering it,he saw a skilled apprentice.When asked to repair the ship,the apprentice was eager to join the crew,but the captain didn't want to let him in as there were enough crewmembers.So the captain sa...

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3 Guys on a dock

There are three guys out on a dock fishing. One of them thinks he has a fish and pulls up an old bottle. *Poof* A genie appears. "I've been in that damn bottle for... I don't even know how long," says the genie. "I'm going to grant all three of you three wishes!"

The fishermen are ecstatic. T...

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I was out for a stroll...

While on a stroll down a pier while talking to a girl about how certain Star Trek characters would handle a gun ownership business, a group of exotic birds and a bird of prey assaulted us. It was so traumatic she no longer wanted to sleep with me afterwords.

It was a hawk & cock of the ro...

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It's the first warm Saturday of spring, so I asked my friends if they'd like to have some beer and hang out on my dock for a few hours.

Fucking autocorrect.

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My grandad sent me this

Enjoy the fun & the pun.



Q: Can February March?

A: No. But April May!



Q: Did you hear about the painter who was hospitalised?

A: Reports say it was due to too many strokes!



Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better ...

A young boat dock is caught smoking

A young boat dock is caught smoking by his mother. When his father gets home the parents stand over the little boat dock lecturing him on the dangers of smoking. "What do you have to say for yourself?" The little boat dock replies, "It was pier pressure."

Joe goes down to the docks...(long)

... to look for a job. He sees three old sailors sitting on a bench in front of a large ship, having a conversation. As Joe walks past to them, he hears what they're saying.
- Number four! says the first sailor, and the other two starts to laugh.
- Number six! says the second one with a giggle...

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Working on the docks makes you tough as a c***

A lawyer was questioning a guy that assaulted someone at work. He was a dock worker.

Lawyer: So the person you assaulted said it started with you calling him a cunt.

Guy: I did not call him a cunt, I didn't even know what that word meant.

Lawyer: You did not know what cunt meant...

I think docking would make for a great spectator sport.

It’s really end to end.

Why does a Ferry Boat never get Sick?

Because it’s always going to the Dock.

How do Boats like their drinks?

On the docks.

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An old sailor

Arnold, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks in Dartmouth once more for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks...

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[NSFWish] A boy was walking along the docks one day and came across a pirate ship...

He looked up and admired, in complete amazement, the beauty of the massive ship with all of the details and marks of a real life pirate ship. As if this wasn't enough, the boy then noticed a man sitting by the ship with a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye. He went up to the man an...

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Or What

The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past seven months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why she doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore.

"For the ...

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A young man traveled the world in search of buried treasure. After five years with no luck, he received a prophecy from an enchantress which told of a vast hoard of golden loot squirreled away in Bermuda by a famous privateer crew.

Sure enough, after sailing for another year, he came to the place the enchantress had spoken of and found a trove of coins and medallions, enough to make him wealthy beyond his wildest dreams.

He brought all of it on board his ship and through storms and turmoil returned home with his prize....

A man runs into an old salty sea captain on the docks of Boston harbor and says,

"Cap'm, can't help but noticin'...you got a steerin' wheel secures to yer crotch there." Sea captain removes the pipe from 'tween his teeth and says, "Aye. It's drivin' me nuts."

Why do they put protection buoys on boats during docking?

To protect it from pier pressure.

All his life, Pedro had wanted to be a pirate. And when he got the opportunity to interview for a position on a pirate ship, he was overjoyed...

Arriving at the quay, Pedro and the other pirate hopefuls stood around and waited for the captain to call them one by one on board for their interviews.

The captain emerged, but much to Pedro's surprise, instead of conducting individual interviews one-on-one on board the ship, the captain bid...

Where do dock workers like to shop?

Crate and Barrel.

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Putin, Angela Merkel and Obama stand ona a dock...

Obama says "The USA built a submarine that can dive for 1 week without needing to refuel." Putin responds "Our nuclear submarines can dive for a whole month!" Suddenly a old submarine comes out of the water. The hatch opens, a Wehrmacht -soldier comes out and says "Heil Hitler we need fuel"

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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Canoe ride.

My grandmother was in a nursing home and caught the eye of an elderly gentleman in the home. The home was on a gentle river and he asked her if she would like to go on a canoe ride with him. She took him up on the offer of a date on the water. As they drifted away from the dock, he first looked u...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

Hey dad, is that a wiener dog on that pier?

No, that’s a dock, son.

A man decides to quit his job and run away to join a pirate crew

After spending a few hours at the dock, he sees a man who has a peg leg, a hook hand, and an eye patch; the man is obviously a pirate captain. The man promptly joins the captains crew and they ship out to sea that very day.

Later that night, the man walks up to the captain and says “I’m sorr...

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Almond Daiquiri

So there’s a doctor who would regularly go to the pub that was directly next to the hospital that he worked at. After some time, he got on first name terms with the barman, his name was Dick and Dick would always prepare the Doctor’s favourite drink before he would arrive, an almond daiquiri.
Th...

Did you hear about the storm down at the docks last weekend?

You didn't? It was breaking canoes.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

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A woman goes to Dr. Johnson to increase...

...the size of her breasts. Dr. Johnson gives her a series of rhythmic arm movements to do and tells her to also repeat “If I do this like I must, I will increase my bust”.
Additionally she must do the exercises twice a day at 10am and 2pm. After two weeks she sees improvement and so she does bot...

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

So when they dock they can Scandinavian.

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A young man is sitting in a tavern in a small town in Italy, drinking and looking glum. A stern looking local man approaches him and asks, "What's wrong my friend?"

He says "My partner left me for another man."


"Ah, life can be cruel" says the local. "Take me, I built this bar with my bare hands. Foundation to chimney. You think they call me Mario the builder? No. Come with me."


Mario takes the man to the window.


"You see...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man...

Mr. Smith, a very wealthy man, is in town on business and towards the end of his trip he decides to take a walk on the docks and take in the ocean view.

As he's walking he comes up on a young boy, maybe 12 years old, crying on the edge of the dock.

Mr. Smith hesitates but decides to a...

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Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

Bob's anniversary

Bob was out fishing when he realized that it was his wedding anniversary. Hoping to save face, he headed to shore. He left the marina and started driving to the nearest Hallmark store to buy his wife a card and a gift. His truck’s engine started sputtering and died on the road.

Bob was fairl...

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A big Welsh is sitting in a bar...

A big Welsh is sitting in a bar, ranting as he downs his pints. He pounds his hand on the bar, says "You see this bar? I built this bar with me own two hands, a finer piece of work you'll newver find, but do they call me Jones the bar-builder? No!!" and he downs his pint and buys another.

He ...

A guy walks into a pawn shop, there's a brass statue of a cat.

He asks the shopkeeper, "How much for the statue?" Shopkeeper replies, "$20 for the statue, $20,000 for the story." He says various unkind words, pays $20 and takes his statue.

He walks down the street, but he starts hearing a murmuring noise behind him. Something small and subtle, he can't p...

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