A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

I cant believe that bacteria would just intrude my body without my permission.

That makes me sick.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?

You're not alone.

I saw a bloke sobbing uncontrollably at a graveside earlier today. "Why did you have to die, why did you have to die?" he cried, over and over again. I said, "I'm sorry to intrude, but was it someone very close?"

"No not really," he said. "It was the wife's first husband!"

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

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Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

A happily married couple

There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims before I kill them, what is your name?"My name is Elizabeth, but my friends call me Liz," the woman replied.The intruder s...

Mr Singh walks into a bar

_*Mr Singh walks into a bar in London , orders 3 glasses of beer and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.*_

_*When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; ...

I always keep a loaded gun on my night stand in case there’s an intruder

That way, I can shoot myself to avoid meeting new people.

How did the muslim boxer defeat the house intruder?

He hit him with a high jab.

How does a half-American half-Canadian person deal with a home intruder?

Shoot first, apologize later

An English farmer was walking through his field

He spotted a intruder crouched down by his pond. As he approached he realised the man was drinking pond water, cupping his hands.

"Oy ye dinnae wanna drink from there. It be full of hoss an' muck!" shouted the farmer.

The man looked up, startled. "Pardon monsieur but i am french. I am ...

How did the thief get in?

Intruder window.

Do you have a phobia of intruders sneaking into your home?

You're not alone.

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NSFW - Leprechaun at a urinal

So this guy Jimmy is on a road trip home from college when he stops at a rest stop to relieve himself. As he enters the bathroom he notices a leprechaun at the urinals. He walks up to the urinal next to it and starts doing his business, but while doing so cant help but notice that this leprechaun ha...

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the ext...

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A guy jogging on the beach sees a girls with no arms or legs.

Her torso is just propped up on some sand. As he draws nearer he sees that she's crying. He doesn't want to intrude, but he figures she might need some help.

"Excuse me, miss. Why are you crying?" he asks.
She responds "I'm just so sad! I've never been kissed before and I don't guess I eve...

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."

The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody s...

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Male gunowners are, in fact, compensating for their manhood.

You can't kill a deer or repel intruders with your dick.

I was just remembering all the cute nicknames my girlfriend gives me.

"Intruder!" "I'll call the police!" "Who are you??"
"Where are you taking me?"

Yeah... I love her.

A Londoner meets a stereotypical American redneck

The redneck tells him: “Why don’t y’all like guns? They’re completely safe! See, I have mine in my safe next to my bed, I know the passcode so well I can take my gun and kill any intruder in half a second!”

The Londoner replies: “Really? Is it truly that safe?”


The redneck replies:...

Michaelangelo, Albert Einstein, and George W. Bush die and end up at heaven's gate...

Michaelangelo walks up to the gate and St. Peter tells him. "Listen, we have had some recent intruders faking who they were. Is there any way you can prove that you are the real Michaelangelo?"

Michaelangelo requests a board and he then proceeds to draw the most beautiful painting ever seen b...

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Two greyhounds walk into a bar after a race

They sit down at the bar ask for a drink and start talking. Tommy looks at frank and says, "I don't know what it is frank. Ive just been having the worst luck at the track. It seems that no matter what I do I just cant finish better than 3rd. I've tried meditation, yoga, vitamins and nothing wor...

The warning sign

There was a watermelon plantation which had been constantly spoiled by night thieves who were trespassing to steal melons. The owner came with an idea to repel the intruders: he put a warning sign on the plantation's fence: "Beware! Steal on your own risk! One melon below this fence is poisoned!"...

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Three missionaries are captured in the Amazon

Three explorers are captured by a remote tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders. He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Booka?!". Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for booka. The tribe starts screaming BOOKA! and danc...

An old Irishman walks into a bar.

Upon seating the bartender walks down to the old fellow and asks him what he'd like to drink. "I'll have 3 Guinness, one for me and two for me sons back home in Ireland." The bartender considers his request and pours and sets 3 pints in front of the old guy. The old man slowly drinks all three Guinn...

A woman hears a noise

She thinks it's and intruder and decides to call the cops. The dispatch officer asks her if she saw anything. She replies she only heard it but that she is sure someone is in her house because she can hear footsteps. The dispatch said that they would send the next available officer but that they wer...

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Intruder.

Intruder who?

Intruder door.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.

And calling you a "home intruder".

A gorilla at a zoo dies

A gorilla at a zoo dies. This gorilla was particularly popular, so the staff is desperate for a replacement.

Not sure what else to do, they decide to hire a guy to dress up in a gorilla costume. The man is a convincing actor, and the exhibit is as popular as ever. He thumps his chest, cl...

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A chaste wife went to a pet store...

... to buy her husband a pet for their anniversary. All of the pedigree animals were too expensive and she began to pout, visibly. One of the store's tellers asked what was wrong and she explained her circumstances.

“Well... we have a specially trained frog for $24.99”, he said.

She ex...

Three men die on the same day, at the same time, at the same hotel

They are brought to the devil and all three insist that he is an innocent victim.

The first guys says, " I was staying with my wife in room 606. When I got back from work and opened the door, I noticed an unfamiliar set of men's shoes. My wife was out, so this must be a theif. I looked around...

Rich Man and the Ranch

A rich man owns a multi-million dollar ranch in Puerto Rico. One day, his ranch supervisor, Paco, calls him on the phone.
"Yes, Paco, what is it?" says the Rich Man.
"Well, Señor, I have some bad news. Your prize thoroughbred, he has died."
"My thoroughbred? I was going to make millions...

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Death or Ugabuga?

Two men are washed away on an island after their plane has crashed. After a few days of surviving on this island, they encounter a native tribe. The island is the home of this tribe, and they do not like trespassers or intruders so they take the two men back to see the chief.

The two men are...

In a little-known piece of rock history..

Courtney Love once asked Jon Bon Jovi to name her new band. Bon Jovi jokingly suggested 'Hole'.

Love though this was great - provocative and rude - so she went with it. Her ex, Corey Hart, of 'Sunglasses At Night' fame, did not approve. He sought to confront Bon Jovi on the night of Hole's fi...

A woman had returned home from an evening of church services.....

....when she was startled by an intruder robbing her house of its valuables.

She yelled "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what...

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Sell that dog

A guy walks into a bar with a forlorn look on his face.

A regular sees him and says "Hey guy, you doing alright?"

"I'm doing terrible" the guys says "I'm having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I'm just traveling around town asking if anyone...

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