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Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and s...

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before land...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

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A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky
enough to be seated next to an absolutely
gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos
and he notices she is reading a manual about
sexual statistics.

He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about
sexua...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat....

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smile...

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

A husband and wife and their ten kids are waiting to board the subway.

When the subway arrives, it is nearly full. The husband tells his wife "Honey, you should board this train with the kids, and I'll catch the next train." The wife does so, and the train departs with his wife and ten children.

While waiting for the train, there is an old man with a walker...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board

I wanted to see if I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet.

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and how come he had not gone to the after life yet?"

Turns ...

So i asked a ouija board for the name of my future wife

Wtf kinda name is hahaha

A man boards a plane with six kids.

After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

What is a Canadian's favorite board game?

Sorry!

What printers do they use on board the Enterprise?

Hewlett Pickards

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An injured American soldier is boarding a train to the hospital, but the train is full because a woman and her dog took up the last two seats.

The man says to the woman, "would you please mind taking up only one seat? You don't need two separate seats for you and your dog." But the woman refuses. Then the man tells the woman that he is exhausted from the war and is injured, the last seat on the train isn't too much to ask for, yet the woma...

I made a Ouija board..

..it was disappointing.Not even dead people want to talk to me

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A man waiting at the airport overhears some people mention that the Pope will be on board his flight

"the Pope!" He thought. "Getting to see or even meet him would be amazing!"

He boards rhe plane with everyone and luckily enough his seat is right next to his holiness himself.


The man is nervous and doesn't know what to say to him so he remains quiet and begins reading his book. ...

(Politics) Why would it be unsafe to board a plane with Ben Shapiro?

He'd destroy the Left Wing.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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Bobby loved board games.

His collection of board games was massive, he had games from the 40's, 50's, 60's up to today. But one day, the neighborhood bully came over and saw Bobby playing and took all of Bobby's player pieces and broke them, all the Monopoly tokens, all the Battleship ships, all the markers for Sorry!, etc....

I found out my wife has been playing board games with another man.

Turns out she's monopolyamorous.

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On a flight back from Russia, a flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the captain immediately…

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty and quiet female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a bald, sweaty, old slob who looks like a sexual deviant!”

The captain responds, “You must be new here. This is Air Force One.”

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

What did Mr. T say after throwing five $10 bills off the diving board?

I fitty da pool!

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

An Old West dime store writer walks into a dusty town...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Help! is there a doctor on board?

DOCTOR: (rushing forward) Yes, I'm a doctor.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Oh thank god, this man is choking on an apple.

DOCTOR: (backing away) Oh no no no no no.

A man boards a flight from London to LA.

Midway in the flight, there is a bit of a turbulence and then an announcement.


"This is your captain speaking. We have a bit of bad news. During the turbulence we experienced, one of our engines have failed. But there is nothing to worry about, the plane still has three engines function...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crosswo...

I was at the bus stop today

And a young blonde in a short skirt boarded the bus. She didn't have enough money for the fare, so she hitched up her skirt. The driver took one look and waved her on the bus.
The next day I thought I'd try the same. My bus came along. I got on and showed the driver a bit of leg.
He immediatel...

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

I got sick waiting to board my flight

It was a terminal illness

I received a compliment today as I boarded the train.

The conductor said “first class rear, standard front”.

An elementary teacher, middle manager, and lawyer die and go to heaven...

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates and explains that to get in they each have to answer one question correctly.

The teacher goes first. St. Peter says "What was the name of the famous ship that sank after striking an iceberg in 1912?"

"The Titanic!"

"Right, off you go." T...

The flight wasn't carrying enough meals for all passengers.

Airborne less than 30 minutes on an outbound evening flight, the "A" stew-lead flight attendant-for the cabin crew nervously made the following painful announcement:

Ladies and gentleman, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible last minute error by our airport catering...

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

A vulture boards an airplane carrying two dead rabbits.

And the flight attendant says "Sorry sir, only one carrion per passenger."

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Three young men were by a small secluded pool at a resort...

...when one of the young men put his hand in the water to test its temperature. Suddenly appeared a Genie who said: "I am the Genie of the pool, go to the diving board, say something you want and dive into the pool, it'll then turn into what you said".

The first young man went on the diving b...

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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

A little boy...

.... and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard.

The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole.

He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't.

It's too wiggly and limp ...

A bus full of housewives went to a picnic but fell into a river and everyone on board dies.

All the husbands cried for almost a week but a guy cried over three weeks. One of them consoles him and asked," Do you miss your wife so much." He replies,"No, my wife missed the bus."

Statistician joke...

Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?


Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

Wife talking to Husband.

Wife: Why is it that, in Chess the King can only move one space at a time, but Queens are free to move wherever they like.?


Husband: That's because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

TSA stopped me while I was boarding my flight and said “Sir, you can’t bring that crow onto the aircraft.”

I said “Don’t worry. It’s a carrion.”

(This is a popular joke where I'm from). A boy boards a bus with a sandwich in his hand.

The bus driver says: " hey, this ain't a restaurant, kid!"

The boy replies: "I know. That's why I brought my own food."

[using Ouija board] "yo Brad, can you hear us?"

[Brad responding...]


*W*

*W*

*A*

*A*

*A*

*A*

*A*

*A*

*Z*

*Z*

*Z*

...
#
“this is gonna take a while, Brad died in 1999.”

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

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A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...

The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French...

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A Irish student

A teacher asks the class “can anyone can draw the number 9 without using numbers or words?” An Irish student says “that’s easy” and comes to the board. He draws 3 trees, the teacher says “how is that 9?”. The Irish kid says “are you stupid? Tree plus tree plus tree equals 9”. The teacher says “ok s...

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.



The 1st passenger said, 'I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, 'I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the...

Classic

400 passengers and only 200 meals were loaded on a long haul transatlantic flight to New York.

The airline had bungled, and the crew was in a fix! However, one smart flight attendant had an idea!

About 30 minutes into the flight she nervously announced : "Ladies and Gentlemen, I don't...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

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So this guard was escorting me out of the pool the other day…

I asked him why.

“Because you pissed in the pool!”
He shouted.

“So what? everyone does!”
I exclaimed.

To which he replied:
“Well… yeah… but not from the diving board!”

I’m a kleptomaniac with a proclivity for stealing strategy board games.

I like to take Risks.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I Need A List Of Your Employees And How Much You Pay Them".


Boat Owner: “Well, There's Clarence, My Deckhand, He's Been With Me For 3 Years. I Pay Him $1,000 A Week Plus Free Room And Board. Then There's The Mentally Challenged Guy. He Works About 18 Hours Every Day And Does...

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arriv...

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Plane with 5 passengers on board, Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Angela Merkel, The Pope and a ten year old school boy. The plane is about to crash and there are only 4 parachutes.

Trump said I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and am needed to sort out the problems of the World!’, take...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!

Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling in the answers.

"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"

It crossed his mind that if ...

A young woman boards a packed bus and goes: "Won't someone give their seat to a pregnant woman?"

As she looks around, a young man jumps up and offers his seat: "Here, sit down!"
With a sigh, she lets herself down on the seat and says "Thank you so much!". The young man: "I'm sorry, but it's not very visible yet. How long have you been pregnant?" She answers: "For about half an hour now. My k...

How does the Italian plumber talk to spirits?

A Luigi board!

3 married men and 3 bachelors were going to board a train.

The bachelors all took a ticket for themselves, but the married men only took one ticket for themselves. The bachelors asked why were they taking one ticket. The men replied that they would manage. The train came, and they all board it, the bachelors sit on their respective seats, but the married me...

I got on a plane the other day. As we were about to depart, a pro-life group ran out on the runway in protest.

Ironically, the pilot had to abort the takeoff.

Which brings a question to mind…. When does flight truly begin? Boarding? Taxiing? Takeoff? Some would have you believe it’s not a flight yet even during final descent.

A long-time rabbi has always wanted to try pork, but never seemed to find an print to do so.

One day, he finally gets a chance by boarding a plane and traveling first class to a 5- star restaurant in Florida that offers the best pork the world's had to offer.
The rabbi gets to the restaurant, orders his food, and minutes later, the waist brings out a perfect golden swine, cooked to perf...

Everybody Knows Somebody Called DAVE.

Dave is an advertising executive in L.A., who is always boasting that he knows EVERYONE on the planet, & they all know him.

His colleagues love hearing his stories about this celebrity, or that politician. However, his boss doesn't believe a word & challenges him to prove his boasts....

Two families try to cheat a train ticket fee

Two families were on a trip together. They both would be taking the train, and one family bought a ticket for every member. But the father of the other family said, "Hey, you wasted money. Watch us."

That father bought only one ticket. Then he and his family boarded the train. When a PA...

A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number.

"Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked.

"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"

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A joke I heard in Wildlands

So these two marines board a flight to Houston.
No sooner had they settled down into their seats than an Army corporal came down the aisle and took the seat next to them.
So the corporal settles in, pulls off his boots, and gets comfortable.
The two Marines take one look at this guy and ...

If you write an entire book using a Ouija board, you get all the credit...

Since it was technically written by a ghost writer?

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years...

the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable

The airlines are stopping passengers from bringing most emotional support animals on flights. Today, they told me my support duck could not board the plane. I need it to help me cope with anxiety.

It's a quack down.

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A young lady teacher draws a heart on the board

Teacher: "Tell me students, what have I drawn"

Students: "It looks like a Pussy"

Teacher (furiously) : "you don't have any manners. I am going to complain to principal"

She angrily walks out and calls principal into the class.

Principal looks at the board, and looks over ...

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Had to go see the doctor today.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.


Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

Hooters finally did the right thing and gave their waitresses smaller bottoms to match their already small tops.

To better reflect their corporate values, the board is voting to change their company's name at next month's meeting.

"Hoots and Chutes" is currently leading the vote.

"Shall we try swapping positions tonight?" he smirked.

"Great idea!" She replied. "You stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!"

Don't throw up

A guy walks into a bar and orders tequila shots, one right after another. "Hey, slow down there," the bartender cautions. "I don't want you getting sick." "Don't worry, there's only one thing that makes me throw up," the guy reassures him. "And that's a dart board on the ceiling."

What did the bully use when he experimented with the dark arts?

A Wedgie Board.

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

i heard on the news that some message board site is bankrupting wall street billionaires

"reddit?"

no i said i HEARD it

What did the driver say after ramming into baby on board

Don't worry, the baby is no longer on board.

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

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A woman gets on a plane and takes her seat. A few moments later a man boards the plane and takes the seat next to her.

After about 5 minutes the man sneezes and proceeds to unzip his pants, pull out a hanky and wipes off his dick.

The woman is shocked but doesn't say anything. A few minutes later the man sneezes again and proceeds to pull his dick out and wipe it off. Shocked the woman says to the man, "excu...

God has a meeting with the board of Archangels. He turns to Archangel Joe.

G : "So where are you at with the punishment list for the 2020s??"

J : "All done"

G : "What?"

J : "Yeah, all the punishments for 2020 have been passed"

G : *facepalms* "That was supposed to be for the whole decade not one year you idiot."

The cover on my ironing board was wrinkled

so I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of "irony."

What did people say when the inventor of the Dry Erase Board showed off his new invention.

That's Remarkable!

Terrible joke, came to me on the toilet early, but I had to say it. And it is also likely be told in some form before.

What was 2020's most popular board game?

Pandemic.

How Do I Know That Eastern European’s Love Board Games

Because I Have A Czech Mate Who Told Me So.

Do you know why Jesus stopped playing hockey?

Kept getting nailed to the boards.

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Captain's cabin broadcast:

Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to welcome you again on board. Currently, we are flying over the Atlantic ocean, our height is 10000 meters and our speed is 900kph. Air temperature... shit! Fuck! Oh my god! No!

Captains go silent. Passengers are white as chalk, panic, scream...

A mi...

Have you met our on-board cook who likes green power tools?

He is our Makita cruise chef.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

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In Wild West, a poor miner goes to a brothel

He had worked very hard and saved money but when he asked for a girl, they all turned out to be too expensive for him. Seeing his disappointment, the madam took a pity on him. She handed him a small wooden board with a hole in the middle and said,

"Here, you can look at the girls and fuck thi...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

I have got to quit my job at the lumber yard

I am SOOO board

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest.

A drunk man boards a subway and sits next to a priest. The priest is disgusted to see his miserable condition and says, "You are going to hell". The drunk guy looks up frightened and says, "damn I got on the wrong train".

Donald Trump is boarding Air Force One

When all of a sudden, an assassin jumps out and points the gun at Trump. A member of the secret service sees this and yells, “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would-be assassin so much that it gives the other agents time to apprehend him. While the agents interrogate the assassin, Donald Trump pulls...

This joke about Covid circulating around Chinese web boards...

If someone walking ahead of you farts and you can can hear it, that means you're not practicing correct social distancing.

If you can smell it, that means you're not wearing your mask properly.

If you are wearing your mask properly and can still smell it, then congratulations, you don'...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

I was so nervous having to present my proposal to the board of directors that I ended up constipated.

Luckily, motion passed.

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

I used an Ouija Board today.

"Hello, is anyone there?"

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

*U*

"Ah damnit, this is a Soulja Board"

What do you get when you combine an image board website and a popular puzzle game show?

Wheel of 4chan!

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Why won't black people board cruise ships?

We're not falling for that bullshit again.

What language do anti vax kids speak in?

Ouija board

Yesterday I robbed the oversized board game store

It was a huge Risk that I was willing to take

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A teacher draws a heart on the board.

A teacher draws a heart on the board.


She then asks the class, "What is this?


To her surprise, nearly every student said some variation of "A butt." One even said "An ass!"


The teacher was not pleased to hear this and called the principal.


The pri...

I use a Ouija board as a chopping board

That’s how I make my soul food.

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

When I was little, my Dad built me a giant Scrabble board which was big enough to run around on.

One day I propped up the board on boxes and saw horses.

Then I organised a little show for the neighbourhood kids and their parents, which I presented from my big Scrabble board.

It was a play on words.

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A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

What do you call an ironing board that makes clothes wrinklier?

Irony board

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

What do you call a group of racist chickens playing mystery board games?

A Clue Clucks Clan

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

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One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

A group of friends decide to use an Ouija board

So they set up and start asking questions.

“Is there anyone here?”

The planchette moves to yes.

“How did you die?”

The planchette spells out a sentence.

I-W-A-S-K-I-S-S-E-D.

The friends look at each other, confused. “You were... kissed?!”

The planchet...

A vulture is about to board a plane.

The desk attendant stops him and motions to his bag, “Carrion luggage costs extra, sir.”

What is an ironing board?

A surf board which gave up on its dreams and went to work.

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

Three lawyers and three engineers are travelling by train to a conference.

The three lawyers buy a ticket each while the engineers by only one. The lawyers laugh at the engineers crying how can three people travel by train using only one ticket. The engineers respond with “you’ll see”.



They all board the train and the lawyers take a seat while the engineers ...

What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

What award does NASA give the astronauts that board their spacecraft particularly quickly?

The starship -enter-prize.

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

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