A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself. "Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in." The first person steps up and thinks for a momen...

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a risk I was willing to take.

What's the difference between a drone and an aircraft with 283 passengers on board?

You don't start a war when an aircraft with 283 passengers is shot down.

There's this lawyer who is sitting in an airport, waiting for his plane to board

When he notices a sleeping blonde woman next to him.
The lawyer thinks that he can make a quick buck off of this woman, and decides to wake her up.

"What do you want?"

"I want to play a trivia game with you, if I give you a question where you don't know the answer, you give me $5, b...

A blonde stood on the streets of new york city with a surf board...

She just wanted to catch the highest of the heat waves!

I tried to carry my board game onto the airplane, but the security said I can’t do it.

The Risk was too big.

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

I tried to board an airplane recently

Turns out they get nervous when your carry-on is a parachute

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

I got a new dry erase board at work

It's remarkable

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A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane...

The stewardess stops him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

What's a white supremacist's favorite board game?

Nahtzee.

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An airplane is about to crash with only 5 parachutes on board.

A doctor says, “Save the women.”

A young mother says, “No, save the children.”

A lawyer says, “Fuck the children.”

A priest asks, “Do we have time?”

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The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

I recently bought a ouija board the other day, I asked a question: “hello, is anybody there?” The reply I got was: “Y. O. U. U. U. U. U

Guess I accidentally bought a soulja board

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A doctor goes to write some notes on his clip board, when he notices he was trying to write with a rectal thermometer...

"Damn! Some asshole has my pen!"

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

Apparently German U-boat crews used to have dogs on board as mascots.

They were subwoofers.

My fecalpheliac neighbor invited me over to play some board games.

Turns out I've been playing scattegories wrong my whole life.

Question in a medical board exam - Fill the blank - "When a young female faints, you immediately feel her p - - s - "

Those who answered PULSE are successful doctors today.

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A man boards an airplane and takes his seat...

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, sm...

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A physics teacher writes a question on a board

"A 40 kg child that 100 cm tall is holding a parent's arms swinging them 0.5 revolutions a second. If the parent let go of the child after 2 seconds, where will the child end up?"



A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads a student's answer:



"In a foste...

My friend lost his board game.

He's asking me to investigate, but then suspected me.

One thing for sure, I have no Clue.

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office wit...

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

Jack was deeply involved in finishing a report for the upcoming board meeting received a call from his wife that she had a good news and a bad news.

Because of the deadline he asked if she could just give him the good news. The wife replied "Okay, the good news is that the air bags work."

A blonde woman boards a plane to Las Vegas

She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant walks over and politely informs the lady that her seat is in the economy class, and that she has to move back there.

To the fight attendant’s dismay, the lady refuses. She says,“I’m going to Las Vegas, and I’m sitting here for the flight....

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.

She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her tickets and tells the woman that her seat is i...

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An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.

All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.

The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"

The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."

The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."

The Japanese went to h...

Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"...

Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

What did people say the first time they saw a white board?

Oh, that's re-markable!

I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He’s such a risk taker

When it comes to board games about buying real estate...

Hasbro really has the Monopoly.

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.





CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...





I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

A chess player once borrowed a million dollars to purchase special edition chess boards.

His friend asked him to pay the money back but he ran away. His friend got cancer and couldn't pay the bills.

Finally the chess player went to visit him, holding a piece of paper in his hand. He walked up to him, and extended his arm towards him, and said "Check, mate."

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

An old man boards a plane to Paris.

He is very excited to visit and is talking with the other passengers. Before takeoff, there is a dispute as to whether a French family has found their seats correctly or not. In an attempt to find their seats, the stewardess asks the people around them for their tickets. Eventually, she reaches the ...

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.

As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.

But then...

My wife told me that if i buy another board game she will dump me

Maybe i shouldn't take that risk

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

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I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

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So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?

He was just going through a stage.

What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?

Tibial Pursuit

When is a board not a board?

When it falls off a boat.

Alphabetti Spaghetti makes a handy ouija board...

...for contacting people who've pasta way.

A man boards a plane one day accompanied by ten children.

The stewardess notices this, and naturally is cautious.

"Are these children all yours?" she asks the man.

" Hm? Oh no, these aren't mine. "

The stewardess is surprised at his response. "Why are they with you then, sir?"

He responds, "Oh, I work for a condom company. The...

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

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A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

My board gamer friend said “I love Settlers”

Well duh, who else would marry him

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.

The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US president and I am ...

When the robber tried to rob a board game store at gunpoint..

He was asking for trouble

There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..

Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in.

 

Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the ...

What do you call a clean white board?

Remarkable!

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-...

Did you hear about the board game which traps you in a mystical world of French cuisine from which you must eat you way out?

It's called "Je manger."

Which board game instruction manual is the Torah?

Jumanji

What do you call a circuit board that identifies as a different electronic component?

A transistor

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

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A plane is going down and everyone on board is coming to grips with the fact that they're going to die...

The inside of the cabin is eerily calm while all the passengers ponder whether they have lived fulfilling lives.

Suddenly, a homely woman jumps up and says "I'm 33 year old virgin! I have lived an empty life, and I ask if anyone on this plane can please, please, before I die, make me feel li...

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A beautiful blonde boards a plane to Vancouver...

As soon as the plane takes off, she leaves her seat in the economy section, heads to first-class, and sits in an empty seat.

A flight attendant notices, and approaches the woman. "Excuse me, ma'am, may I please see your ticket?"

The woman hands her ticket to the attendant. The attend...

I bought a German Ouija board.

It's a Jaja board.

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.

I told him, “It’s just a plank, bro.”

“It’s just a plank.”

Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.


Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.


Me: I want 2 die.


Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.


Me: I want 2 die alone.

Me: *Playing Ouija board*

Me: What's your name?

Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

I played monopoly once and landed on every spot on the board except for one...

I never stood a chance.

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A faculty of engineering professors are invited to board a plane

After everyone had been seated, they were all informed that the plane had been designed and built by their own students. Upon learning this information, the professors got up and began running desperately to get out of the plane, almost in panic. Only one professor stayed serene in his place. When a...

In desperation I’ve been trying to meet girls through my Ouija Board

But they keep ghosting me

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A guy with a black eye boards his plane

As he sits down in his seat, he notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes...mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a 'tongue twister accident'. See, I wa...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference...

After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm r...

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it’s cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it’s more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

Back to the Drawing Board

(after the Apocalypse)

God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Teacher draws the picture of a heart on the board and asks..

"What is this,Sam?"

Sam:"Sir,it's a butt".

Teacher:"WHAT?How dare you?"

"What is this Billy?"

"It's a butt,sir".

Frustrated the teacher responds,

"This is enough!I am calling the principal now!"

Then he heads to call the principal.

Principal:"W...

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the...

Why don't they play board games in Africa?

Because there's to many cheetahs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on board a pirate ship...

The captain takes him and says, "Son, for your first task, I want you to tie up all the sails to get them ready to head to sea." and the kid says, "That'll take all day! Can you help?" And the captain says, "Well, I'll be in the bathroom when you do it." And the pirate says, "Are you serious?" And t...

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