This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"

The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you thi...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.”

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him.

Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse...

My friend lost his board game.

He's asking me to investigate, but then suspected me.

One thing for sure, I have no Clue.

A devout Catholic man has just boarded a plane, and he's really dreading the long flight ahead. All of a sudden, the pope boards and takes a seat right next to him! What an honor!

The man sits there, thinking about how best to conduct himself and what to say, when the pope takes out a golf pencil and starts doing a crossword puzzle. Wow, His Holiness does crossword puzzles? the man thinks. I hope he asks me for help. That'll be my in for a wonderful conversation!

Sure ...

I love dry erase boards.

They're remarkable.

A blonde woman boards a plane to Las Vegas

She takes a seat in first class. The flight attendant walks over and politely informs the lady that her seat is in the economy class, and that she has to move back there.

To the fight attendant’s dismay, the lady refuses. She says,“I’m going to Las Vegas, and I’m sitting here for the flight....

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

These days you can't even say "blackboard" anymore.

The politically correct term is: "Jamal, get on my ship."

I almost got caught stealing a board game today...

But it was a Risk I was willing to take

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American, a Japanese, and a Filipino are relaxing along the upper board of a cruise ship.

All of a sudden, the American throws his iPhone to the ocean.

The Japanese, suprised, asked the American, "Why throw iPhone?"

The American replied, "Don't worry man, there are lots of iPhone in the states."

The Filipino mumbled, "Wow, what a waste."

The Japanese went to h...

TIL that you can get dishonorably discharged from the Navy for boarding the wrong vessel just once.

Whoops, wrong sub.

I tried to contact my grandad using a Ouiga board but I had no luck.

I just called his cellphone instead to be honest.

What is 18 inches long, black and blue, stiff as a board, and makes women scream?

crib death

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

An arrogant professor boards a plane and gets a seat besides an old man.

Mid-flight, the professor decides to humiliate the old man and prove he’s intellectually superior, so he turns to him and says: “Hey, do you want to play a little game with me?” The old man looks at him and says: “Depends. What type of game?”

The professor goes on to explain the game: “Taking...

When it comes to board games about buying real estate...

Hasbro really has the Monopoly.

10 engineering professors board a plane

Once they are inside and the plane is a about to take off, the air hostess comes out and tells everyone that the plane has been made by the students of those teachers. Immediately 9 of the professors get up and run away from the plane while one of them stays sit, calmly reading a book.

One of...

*uses ouija board*

“Hello, is anyone there?”

*Y*

*O*

*U*

*U*

*U*

“Ah dammit, this is a Soulja board”

Comedians will often ask rhetorical questions in order to get the audience on board with them or to relate to them.

How stupid is that?!

What did people say the first time they saw a white board?

Oh, that's re-markable!

An old man boards a plane to Paris.

He is very excited to visit and is talking with the other passengers. Before takeoff, there is a dispute as to whether a French family has found their seats correctly or not. In an attempt to find their seats, the stewardess asks the people around them for their tickets. Eventually, she reaches the ...

I've just walked past our local community centre and I could clearly hear these board-game enthusiasts...

...all stood in the porchway bragging endlessly about their various tournament accomplishments.

You might think that sounds like it would have been pretty annoying for me, but infact...

​

​

I rather like the sound of chess-nuts boasting in an open fo...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

Using a Ouija board, I tried to communicate with the dead. It spelled out "Ah ah ah yeah, stayin' alive, stayin' alive"...

Must have bought a Bee Gee board by mistake...

A motherboard went on a date with a processor

- they didn't read each other's BIOS and found out out they weren't compatible so they just got drunk.

As the night progressed they tried to figure out a way to make it work. Finally the processor convinced the motherboard to come back to his place and see what would happen.

But then...

How did the carpenter know the board was cut in half?

He saw it.

I know a friend who keeps stealing board games...

He’s such a risk taker

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.





CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

My wife told me that if i buy another board game she will dump me

Maybe i shouldn't take that risk

A joke about the Chairman of the Board and his wife.

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office ...

A man boards a plane one day accompanied by ten children.

The stewardess notices this, and naturally is cautious.

"Are these children all yours?" she asks the man.

" Hm? Oh no, these aren't mine. "

The stewardess is surprised at his response. "Why are they with you then, sir?"

He responds, "Oh, I work for a condom company. The...

What’s a skeleton’s favorite board game?

Tibial Pursuit

When is a board not a board?

When it falls off a boat.

I was over at my friend's house, and he had a wall full of board games. One caught my eye that had a full gold box, and inside were well made, metal playing pieces and a polished wooden board. I decided I had to have it, but he might see me if I tried to steal it.

It was a Risk I had to take.

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?

He was just going through a stage.

I was playing a board game with my friends when I noticed some important pieces of the game were missing.

I asked my friend, " Are you the game owner?"

He said, "I moan but I'm straight"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man with a huge black-eye boards an airplane...

The flight attendant guides him towards his assigned seat, right beside another already seated passenger who also has a huge black-eye (same one). The first man says: "What are the odds? We share a flight to the same destination, we both have the same big ugly shiner on the same eye, and we are seat...

My board gamer friend said “I love Settlers”

Well duh, who else would marry him

Pen and paper is a great way to write things down, but I prefer using white boards

They’re just so remarkable...

Did you hear about the rental boat that didn't allow dogs or women on board?

It was called the Cat-or-a-Man Catamaran.

What do you call a committee of emo kids?

A cutting board

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a Ouija board recently from a strange old man...

I got it home, laid out the pieces and before I could even ask it a question the planchette started to move around, it eventually spelt

I'VE GOT A MESSAGE TO YOU


'What is your message?' I asked.

YOU SHOULD BE DANCING

Fear started flushing over me, 'Why s...

Alphabetti Spaghetti makes a handy ouija board...

...for contacting people who've pasta way.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a farmer wakes up one morning and looks out the window and sees his prize rooster laying in the middle of the barnyard stiff as a board with buzzards circling overhead.

With his only rooster dead, he decides to go to the market to buy a new rooster. At the market he sees a stall with a very nice looking rooster and he asks the seller how much he wants for the rooster and the seller tells him $1000. The farmer is absolutely shocked at this price, but the seller tell...

An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

When the robber tried to rob a board game store at gunpoint..

He was asking for trouble

What do you call a clean white board?

Remarkable!

Did you hear about the board game which traps you in a mystical world of French cuisine from which you must eat you way out?

It's called "Je manger."

What do you call a circuit board that identifies as a different electronic component?

A transistor

*finds old Ouija board*

"I don't know guys, that stuff is dark--"

"What's the worst that could happen?"

"Spirits of the dead give us your message!"

W-E-H-A

"Guys--"

"Shut up"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U

"Guys--"

"Keep going"

W-E-H-A-V-E-U-P-D-A-T-E-D-O-U-R-P-R-I-V-A-C-Y-P-O-...

Bob turns to John who is about to board a plane to Las Vegas and hands him $500 saying "play with this for me and do what you can for me."

John returns and says "good news, you got laid."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Naughty kid draws a penis on a black board

Lady teacher rubs it off. Next day he draws a bigger one and writes: "REMEMBER THE MORE YOU RUB THE BIGGER IT GETS!

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, " I am Steph Curry , the best NBA basketball player. The warriors and my millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die" So he took the 1st pack and left the plane

The 2nd passenger , Donald Trump , said , " I am the newly elected US President , and I am the smar...

I tried asking a Ouija Board for the name of my future wife.

The planchette kept moving from H to A and back. What kind of name is Hahaha?

I bought a German Ouija board.

It's a Jaja board.

Why will the south never know the area of a chess board.

It is black and white so they won't integrate

My friend got mad at me after I kept hitting him with a wooden board.

I told him, “It’s just a plank, bro.”

“It’s just a plank.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beautiful blonde boards a plane to Vancouver...

As soon as the plane takes off, she leaves her seat in the economy section, heads to first-class, and sits in an empty seat.

A flight attendant notices, and approaches the woman. "Excuse me, ma'am, may I please see your ticket?"

The woman hands her ticket to the attendant. The attend...

[Long] A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow.

A German, Frenchman, and Russian board a small plane from Madrid to Moscow. Shortly after takeoff the Frenchman opens the window and sticks his hand out.

Then he brings his hand back in, sniffs it, and proclaims "We are above France right now!" The German and Russian ask him how he knows thi...

If all diplomatic issues could be solved with a board game like monopoly, we wouldn't see the current levels violence in the world.

No, they'd be *way* higher.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy with a black eye boards his plane

As he sits down in his seat, he notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.
He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes...mind if I ask how you got yours?"
The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a 'tongue twister accident'. See, I wa...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

In desperation I’ve been trying to meet girls through my Ouija Board

But they keep ghosting me

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

Board Game Shop

Me: I want a dice.


Clerk: The correct term is 'die'.


Me: I want 2 die.


Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it's die.


Me: I want 2 die alone.

I played monopoly once and landed on every spot on the board except for one...

I never stood a chance.

A gorgeous blonde is trying to board a city bus...

but her dress is so tight, it won't allow her to lift her leg high enough to reach the first step. She reaches back and unzips the dress a few inches to allow more flexibility. She tries again, but it still isn't enough. She unzips a little more, starting to worry that she'll give the people behind ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher draws the picture of a heart on the board and asks..

"What is this,Sam?"

Sam:"Sir,it's a butt".

Teacher:"WHAT?How dare you?"

"What is this Billy?"

"It's a butt,sir".

Frustrated the teacher responds,

"This is enough!I am calling the principal now!"

Then he heads to call the principal.

Principal:"W...

Me: *Playing Ouija board*

Me: What's your name?

Ouija Board: I H A V E A B O Y F R I E N D

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man boards an airliner

A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him. The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat Mate.

"Hey, bitch," says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it ...

What do you call it when all the pieces on the Chess Board go on Strike??

A Piece-ful Protest.

When you put catnip in a scratching board to encourage cats to scratch it, you think it’s cute when they use it.

But I would think that from their point of view, it’s more like a crack addict that dropped a rock through a grate and is trying to get it back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man gets on board a pirate ship...

The captain takes him and says, "Son, for your first task, I want you to tie up all the sails to get them ready to head to sea." and the kid says, "That'll take all day! Can you help?" And the captain says, "Well, I'll be in the bathroom when you do it." And the pirate says, "Are you serious?" And t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A faculty of engineering professors are invited to board a plane

After everyone had been seated, they were all informed that the plane had been designed and built by their own students. Upon learning this information, the professors got up and began running desperately to get out of the plane, almost in panic. Only one professor stayed serene in his place. When a...

Why don't they play board games in Africa?

Because there's to many cheetahs.

Back to the Drawing Board

(after the Apocalypse)

God: *sigh* "Ok. This time I'm going to make them all the same color.

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three men consult a Ouija board to speak with a demon

The first man asks "What is your name?"

The planchette doesn't move.

Thinking the demon must not like the first man, the second man also asks "What is your name?"

The planchette refuses to move. However, a faint growling echoes from behind them.

After an uncomfortable fe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A group of engineering professors board a plane to a conference...

After they are all seated in their row, the flight attendants announce that their students were the ones that built the plane they were sitting in. The professors jump out of their seats and run to the door in a panic. When they notice one professor stayed seated, they ask him "why are you so calm r...

A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thin...

We surprised my brother with a board game for his birthday

And he didn’t have a clue!

At Heathrow Airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe she is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. She is being charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

You walk across a bridge and see a boat filled with people but there isn't a single person on board. How is this possible?

All the people on the boat are married

My son won't play with the Ouija board I got him.

I even tried it by his grave-nothing

Did you hear the Spice Girls are putting on a reunion tour? Sporty Spice, Posh Spice, Scary Spice and Baby Spice are all on board, but Ginger Spice turned them down.

Luckily they signed Donald Trump to replace her; he’ll be performing as Pumpkin Spice.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train...

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the...

A kid boards a flight for the first time in his life

Kid: What kind of flight is this mom?

Mom: Boeing

Kid: I'm boarding a Boeing, Boeing, Boeing, Boeing

Mom: Be silent you idiot

Kid: I'm oarding an oeing, oeing, oeing, oeing

P.S: Based on a true incident

What should we call this giant advertising board?

PHIL: A philboard

BILL: I have a better idea!

A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The teacher walked into the classroom to find the word "penis" chalked in small letters on the board....

She was a bit embarrassed, so she didn't say anything, but rubbed it out and went on with the class.

But the next day when she came in, she found the same thing again - "penis", this time written slightly larger. So she rubbed it out again, and went on with the lesson.

Again next day, ...

Have you seen United Airline's on-board menu?

I heard their Chinese take-out was especially famous.

Did you guys hear about the new board game sweeping the Iberian peninsula?

Settlers of Catalan.

I didn't know which board game to buy, so I chose at random...

It was worth taking the risk.

Why wouldn't the airline allow the vulture to board his flight?

#Because of the horrible stench coming from his carrion luggage.

*I deserve any and all insulting comments I will get for this joke, I make no excuses for myself and should probably be ashamed.*

*edit: thank you for the gold benevolent stranger. :-)*