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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

Why shouldn’t you get in a fight with an Italian baker?

Because he’ll beat the focaccia.

4 Engineers get in a car and the AC isn't working.

The mechanical engineer says, "the belt fan motor must not be working."

The electrical engineer says, "the fuse might be blown."

The chemical engineer says, "impurities in the gasoline."

The IT engineer says, "have you tried turning it off and on"

I have a theory as to why the Cybertruck is taking so long to get in production:

They are experiencing an Elon-gated Delay!

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Two old men are about to get in the sauna at the health club

One of them says, “I’ve gotten so fat I can’t even see my dick anymore.” The other asks, “Why don’t you diet?” The first guy exclaims, “Dye it? Shit what color is it now?!”

My friend told me to get in shape

I mean isn’t round a shape ?

Man.. you stomp on just one mouse till it's dead.. And everyone loses their mind and I get in a ton of trouble.

Disneyland sucks.

Why did the kittens get in trouble during spelling class?

Because they were copycats.

Two cows get in a fight with each other...

They got beef between them.

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

i’ll never understand people who get in the fast lane just to drive the speed limit.

this lane is for CRIME

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What grades did Hitler get in art school?

Not C's

A man walks up to a store and trys to get in but the door is locked. The store's employee yells through the door "sorry we're closed" "But your sign says open 24 hours!" says the man.

The employee yells back "not in a row"

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What kind of mushrooms get in the most fights?

Shit talky mushrooms

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

How did the thief get in?

Intruder window.

Dad: What did you get in your tests?

Son: Nearly a 100 for every test.

Dad: What do you mean **nearly** a hundred?

Son: Well, I got the zero's . . .

A bus gets in to a terrible crash.

Everybody inside dies and goes to Heaven. At the gates of Heaven, God is there to greet them. He says to the first person, “Before you get in to Heaven, I can grant you one wish.”

The first person in line says, “Well, I wish I was pretty.” God then grants this wish and let’s her in to Heaven...

I stopped by my favorite noodle place on my lunch break, but the line to get in was out the door.

There was no way I’d be able to order and get back to work on time, it was a real pho queue.

My wife said that I should get in touch with my feminine side.

So I crashed the car.

Then I ignored her all day for no reason.

A cat scratches at the gate to heaven to get in. St Peter opens the door.

He looks down at the cat and snarls “Egh, what is it now, in or out?!”

I was invited to a Mexican party, but I had to pay to get in

It was a fee-esta.

There’s always been a familiar connection I get in the shade of my succulent collection...

Aloe darkness, my old friend.

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

Why did the jewish girl get in trouble for dating a female cop?

According to kosher law, you can't eat pigs.

I wish i never get in the plane with Ben Shapiro.

He would destroy the left-wing.

A kid get in trouble and as punishment is made to wear an “I am a Vegan!” t-shirt for the day. It is a horrible experience and they get called all sorts of names and things are thrown at them and they are even kicked a few times..

All that before they even left the house!

Three nuns die in a car crash, when they get to heaven, the angel says they have to answer a question to get in

So the angel asks the first nun

“Who was the first man?”

And the nun replies, “Adam”

The angel allows her in and turns to the second nun

“Who was the first woman?”

The second nun answers “Eve”

“Correct, in you go” replies the angel

Then turning to the...

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I'm going to get in a lot of trouble for sitting on the coke rimmed toilet lid

I guess you could really say my ass is on the line this time.

What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?

Oh, high marks

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

What's it called when an illegal immigrant and a child molester get in a fist fight?

Alien VS predator

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These masks, man. I was standing in line to get in the grocery store, when I saw my friend, Steve was ahead of me in line.

I say, “hey man, long time! How’s it going?”

He says, “oh, hey! Pretty good actually, considering my wife left me.”

“oh yeah, that was a bummer, cheating on you with your brother like that!”

He’s shocked, “what? It was my brother?”

“wait wait, are you Steve?”

“No,...

I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym...

I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds

To get in shape I had a bike made out of taffy but I never rode it

It was a viscous cycle

With the beauty shop finally open after many weeks, there is a huge crowd of people all jostling for position to get in...

They really need a hair traffic controller.

A man is stuck outside of a club trying to get in.

The man was outside trying to get in but the bouncer kept denying him. Another guy walks by and is stopped by the first man. The man said, "hey buddy, can you go in there and get my wife? I saw her go in there with some guy! I'll give you $50! She's blonde and is wearing a blue dress! Bring her out...

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What do you get in your teeth if you eat too much ass?

Anal cavity.

A Red Shirt and a Storm Trooper get in a Fire Fight in a Hallway...

The Storm trooper misses every shot, but the Red shirt still dies.

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

How do you get a fat chick to get in bed with you?

Piece of cake.

Why did the skeleton get in a bar fight?

Because he couldn’t hold his liquor.

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An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

How does the flavour get in beer?

It hops in!

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So Jesus and Satan get in an Excel spreadsheet competition...

One day in Heaven, Jesus and Satan are bickering nonstop about which of them is better than the other. "I'm better than you in every way!" says Satan. "No, I’m Earth’s savior. Clearly, I'm the best," says Jesus. After long enough, God can't take listening to them arguing anymore and says “ENOUGH! We...

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Get in the car

A wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, “Why are you eating grass?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied. “We have to...

Why did the atheist get in an argument with the priest?

He was playing devil's advocate

How do youtubers get in swimming pools?

They just *jump into it*

Guard: Get in your cell

Prisoner: You can't make me. You don't run this cell.

Guard: *rips mask off to reveal mitochondria*
Actually, I do

I wasn’t sure whether or not I should get in the human trafficking business.

But now I’m sold.

TFW you get in line to pay at a pho restaurant

And it's a big pho queue

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess

Whats hard to get in, but once you're in, hard to get out of?

the shower

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My girlfriend always asks me to text her when I get in.

That’s how small my cock really is.

My music teacher at school told me never to hit a drum again or I could get in serious trouble.

I did, and he was right. There was serious re-percussions

With the growing popularity of pigme and dwarf goats being kept as pets, I decided to start a new business. It's already proving hugely popular, theres a massive crowd eager to get in.

'I GROOM KIDS!', is my best idea yet.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets.

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in to the Olympics, but they haven't got tickets. The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate. "McTavish, Scotland" he says, "Discus" and in he walks. The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and sli...

What did Batman say to Robin before getting in the Batmobile?

"Get in."

Little Johnny asked his teacher, "should I get in trouble for something I didn't do?"

"Well if you really didn't do it, I think not," said the teacher.

"Well good," little Johnny replied, "because I didn't do my homework."

If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.

In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

A woman is doing yard work, pulling weeds and clipping grass, when she suddenly cuts off her cats tail. She runs inside with the poor animal and commands her husband: “Get in the car! We Have to get to Walmart” Her husband asks, ‘Why Walmart?’

The woman replied: ‘I heard that they were the World’s biggest Retailer. ‘

What place did the girl get in the Crush Olympics?

3st place.

I didn't know I was going to get in touch with my inner self...

Why did I buy single ply toilet paper.

How does a plumber get in to his computer?

He remembers his password and taps it in

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"Never get in the car with a stranger," my dad always said.

I'm 38 and I still haven't learnt to fucking drive.

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"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for money?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die. Once at the doors of heaven they try to get in but St Peter lines them up to ask them if they’ve ever touched a penis

Calm down and form a line please. Let’s see, you first Sister Mary, have you ever touched a penis?

- “...well I did once but only with the tip of my finger”

- “That’s fine” - says St Peter, -“dip your finger in holly water and enter.

-What about you Sister Rose, have you ever...

What sort of Internet connection can you get in a barn?

Stable WiFi.

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Two Irishmen get in a car accident late at night

The wreck is bad and both cars are totaled but neither driver is injured. After making sure neither is hurt one of the men goes back to his car and pulls out a bottle of whisky and offers it to the other man saying “thank god neither of us were hurt, have a shot to celebrate”. The other man grateful...

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

You get in a fight with a guy and he says to you, "Nobody screws with me, punk!". How do you reply?

"Well, one day you'll find the right girl, and all that will change."





\-credit to Police Academy

What do you get when two different pairs of similar angles get in a car accident?

a wrecked angle


(This took me one 20 minute shower to think out)

My girlfriend asked me to draw her a bath. I filled the tub for her and when she went to get in, she said, "You made it too hot! If I was a child, you would've scalded me!"

I replied, "If you were a child, that wouldn't be the worst thing I've done to you."

Why did the Mormon elder get in trouble for dating twenty nine year olds?

I mean, there was twenty of them....

Get in the House, Lock the Doors, Close the Windows.

It's an inside joke.

Why did the baby get in trouble with the police for not napping?

Because she was resisting a rest.

Why did the crazy train get in trouble?

Because it had loco-motives.

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George's girlfriend says a small penis doesn't have to get in the way of a good sex life

Still, George wishes "she" didn't have one.

Why don’t Indians get in fights?

They can’t have beef

Group of beers get in line for a night club.

Doorman goes up to the empty one and says, "Your friends are alright, but you can't come in."

"Why not?" he asks.

"You're drunk!"

Never get in a serious relationship with a tennis player.

Because love means nothing to them.

What's that feeling you get in your side when you hear a sikh joke?

The punjab

If Left and Right get in an argument...

... And Right left, does that make Left right?

Why didn't the motorcycles get in the carpool?

Because they didn't have trunks

Smokers go out in the cold for 10+ minutes a day and freeze their asses off in the winter and what do they do they get in return?

Cancer.

You know that feeling you get in the middle of the afternoon when you're really sleepy and tired..

There's a nap for that

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How does an elephant get in a tree?

A: By sitting on a sapling and waiting for the tree to grow underneath it.

Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?

A: It sits on a leaf and waits for autumn.

Q: Why did the elephant fall from the tree?

A: It thought it was a leaf.

Q: Why did another elephant...

Two cannibals get in a barfight

One says to the other ***You want a piece of me??***

Why should you never get in an argument with a pogo stick?

They always jump to conclusions.

Why couldn't the broken piano get in it's house?

It didn't have any keys.

What did the bad soccer announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL!

What did Jared from Subway get in his court sentence?

Free foot-longs for life.

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Bill, Steve and Jim are discussing when they get in arguments with their wives

Bill says "When I get in an argument with my wife, I tell her I'm sick of listening, heres the way it is, and that's the way its going to be. Then that's the end of the argument."


Steve replies "Hmm. Well, when I get in an argument with my wife, I calmly explain to her why she is wron...

A black guy and a ginger get in a fight

The two are fighting with just words at first, but then push comes to shove and the black guy shoves the ginger into the edge of a table. His back snaps and he immediately falls unconscious.

The ginger is taken to hospital in critical condition, but doesn't survive. The locals wish that they...

What did the student's extremely basic answer get in the exam?

14/14

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An Ob-Gyn asks a woman to get in the stirrups and he says, "My god, you have the biggest vagina I've ever seen!"

She says, "Well you didn't have to say it twice." He says, "I didn't".

Why do the special needs kids never get in trouble for being late to class?

They're expected to be a little tardy...

What would happen if two African countries get in a war?

A 3rd World War

My New Year’s resolution was to get in shape.

I chose round.

So my niece asked me if they have to swim to get in the Navy.

I couldn't figure it out, but I guessed she thought about it after my nephew declared that he was going into the Marines and stole her crayons.

When I get in the car after my wife had driven it, I only have to flip the center mirror lever.

The difference in our height is like night and day.

I was at a party in middle earth last night. TreeBeard got wasted and started dunking hobbits into a giant punch-bowl of booze. The dwarves laughed and begged for a turn. Soon, a queue of creatures had formed on his branches, eager to take the plunge. I didn’t get in line. I knew it was a trick…

Because the real punch-line is always in the calm ents

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