Get In Jokes - 32 Hilarious Get In Jokes

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.

As they are undressing for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.

"Here, try these on," he says.

"What? Why?" she says.

"Just put them on," he insists.

"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."

"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this ma...

Three men are outside of Heavens gate waiting to get in.

Three men are outside Heaven’s gates waiting to be go to through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them “Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven”.

The first guy says “I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3...

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How can I get in to heaven?

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday

school class.

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kep...

2 vegans get in a fight

Is it still beef

What does a vegetable get in bowling?

A-spare-I-guess

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

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What grades did Hitler get in art school?

Not C's

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An Italian and a Greek get in a fight over sex

Greek: the Greeks invented sex centuries before the Italians!

Italians: maybe so but we improved on it by introducing it to women!

Dave has died and is waiting in the queue to get into heaven.

As he draws ever closer to St Peter he can hear him asking people the same question.

"Denomination?" he asks a little old lady as she reaches the front of the queue.

"Methodist", she replies.

St Peter checks his notes and directs her to the eighth door on the left.

"Pleas...

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?

Oh, high marks

I started watching exercise videos to get in shape.

So far I've watched several dozen videos, but haven't lost any weight. I'd quit watching them, but I've lost the remote and I'd have to get off the couch to turn off the TV.

Dad: What did you get in your tests?

Son: Nearly a 100 for every test.

Dad: What do you mean **nearly** a hundred?

Son: Well, I got the zero's . . .

If you ever get in a knife fight with a group of clowns

Go for the juggler

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, “If you cross this, I’ll hit you in the face.”

That was the punchline...

I was out shopping tonight, when I saw a new brand of condoms called, "Olympic." Trying to get in to the spirit of things, I bought a pack and when I got home, I sprinted in singing the Olympic theme song and proudly showed them to my wife...

"Olympic condoms!?" she asked. "What makes them so special? Are we only going to use them once every four years?!"

Chuckling, I replied, "No,no! You see, there are three colors, Gold, Silver and Bronze!"

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asked cheekily.

"Gold of co...

A man and his daughter get in a fight

Dad: go to your room, young lady

daughter: Jim Morrison is stupid

she then shuts the door loudly

dad: hey, don't slam the doors

So two archenemies get in a car crash in the middle of the night...

They get out of their cars, uninjured, and the first guy goes, "Hey, we both are fine! Maybe this is a sign from the heavens that we are meant to be friends!" So the second guy responds, "Maybe that is so."

Then, the first guy suggests they make a toast to their newfound friendship, "I thin...

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"Get in," I said to the prostitute.

"Hey," she smiled.

I said, "I bet your mum wouldn't be too happy with you doing this."

"Selling my body for sex?" she asked.

I said, "No, sitting in a car with a murderer."

Don't get in line behind Lucifer at the tax office

The devil takes many forms.

2 members of the Swiss army get in to a knife fight,

then a corkscrew fight then a twezzer fight then a ......

What's the best way to get in touch with your inner self

Cheep toilet paper

A middle-aged married couple live in a small house on the beach. One afternoon they get into a huge fight. The woman says to the man, "I'm so angry I can't even stand to look at you right now," and hands him a large bucket.

"Go down to the beach and fill that bucket up with snails for tonight's dinner," The woman tells her husband, "and once you've done that maybe I'll be able to stand being around you again."

The man reluctantly agrees and heads down to the beach with the bucket. It takes him several hours, bu...

The other day I decided to buy a Ouija board, so I could get in touch with deceased celebrities that havent crossed over yet,

The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawking.

I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.

Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,

there is a stairway to heaven.

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I approached a woman in a bar and seductively said, "Hi Darlin', I'd love to get into your pants!"

She said, "No thanks, there's already an asshole in there."

Why did the stair contractor get in so many fights?

He kept asking people if they want a step outside.

What did the bad World Cup announcer get in his stocking?

COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!

I was attempting to get in contact with a contortionist for an interview earlier today.

Fortunately, she was very flexible.

What happens when you get in a fight in Bel-Aire?

Aunt Viv sends you back to Philly

If a married couple in the city get in a fight, it's called domestic violence.

In the country it's called sibling rivalry.

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