UPJOKE
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Give Up Jokes

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

I decided to give up complaining for Lent.

It sucks.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up

I wish I'd never put it on now

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.

I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.

I had to give up being a Taxi Driver.

There was just too much talking behind my back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to give up masturbating

I haven't felt myself since

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

I've been trying to give up innuendo for lent

But it's so hard, and longer than I realised

When your doctor tells you to give up drinking and smoking

Doctor: I'd advise you to give up drinking and smoking.

Patient: At my age, surely it's too late.

Doctor: It's never too late.

Patient: Well in that case there's no rush, is there?

Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping?

The trolley kept falling off the computer.

After last night, I took a solemn vow to give up drinking for good

From now on, I will only drink in the name of evil.

I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

Never give up on your dreams...

Stay in bed.

I always give up my seat to blind people on the bus

Anyways today I lost my job as a bus driver

I had to give up my tap-dancing career.....

I kept slipping and landing in the sink.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying my best to give up using sexual innuendos....

But it's SO hard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

I tried to give up heroin...

But my efforts were all in vein.

I’ll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

I give up drinking this year

Oops I mean: I give up, drinking this year.

I would give up drinking...

...but nobody likes a quitter.

When Beethoven went deaf, his friends told him to give up composing

He didn't listen.

At the end of the year I'm just gonna give up and say

2021

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

Why did the astronaut give up on going to Mars?

Because there's no longer any Opportunity there.

People are always asking “why give up everything to get into the dried fruit business?”

I have my raisins.

A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.

Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman ...

Everyone keeps telling me to give up smoking

But my parents taught me at a young age never to give up

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been trying to give up cursing for Lent.

Let’s just say that, so far, it’s been a fucking disaster.

If your home made onion rings don't get crispy, do not give up.

Keep on frying!

Ten years ago I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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Why did the inventor of the peanut butter cup give up on eating them with her fork ?

Because it was easier for Reese with her spoon

Why did the French Hen give up her job?

One day she'd just had un œuf.

Why did the calendar give up on life?

Because he felt his days were numbered.

China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."

China: "We can't do that."

Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

If I start watching TV, I can give up smoking.

But I rather have lung cancer than brain cancer.

When you love someone, you give up everything for them.

Hope....sanity...freedom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

I had to give up my job as the triangle player in a reggae band

It was just one ting after another

Today I decided to give up most of the internet and turned to Reddit for some positivity.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

[But legit Reddit is more positive than most of the rest of the internet. Despite our worst intentions.]

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