UPJOKE
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If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

What did you give up for Lent?

Catholicism!

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

When your doctor tells you to give up drinking and smoking

Doctor: I'd advise you to give up drinking and smoking.

Patient: At my age, surely it's too late.

Doctor: It's never too late.

Patient: Well in that case there's no rush, is there?

My landlord doubled my rent. I’m going to give up drinking for a month.

Sorry I missed punctuation there.

I’m going to give up, drinking for a month.

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I’m trying to give up on sexual innuendos…

…but it’s hard…soooooooo hard

A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day. The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair. They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.

The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.

They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 h...

I had to give up being a Taxi Driver.

There was just too much talking behind my back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to give up masturbating

I haven't felt myself since

Why did the Irishman give up internet shopping?

The trolley kept falling off the computer.

I had to give up my vegetarian diet.

Turns out they’re a lot harder to catch than cows.

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My wife said if this post gets 1000 upvotes she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't. She's out of town on business until Tuesday.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

Did you hear that Diana had to give up her lifelong dream of being a paleontologist because she developed a bad back from all the bending over to study bones?

Yeah, Diana sore.

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up

I wish I'd never put it on now

I always had a hunch I should give up my cannibalism

But it was just my stomach talking

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

A wise man once told me to never give up on my dreams.

That is why I keep sleeping.

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Ok r/askreddit if you had to give up video games or blow jobs for the rest of your life what would you choose?

Edit: Yea guys I'd pick blow jobs too, they hurt my jaw

I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

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A friend of mine realized that he had to give up coke, drinking and fucking dirty hookers every day

During this time of abstinence, his physical health improved a lot. He put on some healthy weight and even some muscles. However, mentally he got really depressed, a total wreck. He was especially sad over his new sex life.

Long story short, now he's back at it again; drinking, taking cocaine...

When Beethoven went deaf, his friends told him to give up composing

He didn't listen.

I had to give up my tap-dancing career.....

I kept slipping and landing in the sink.

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the inventor of the peanut butter cup give up on eating them with her fork ?

Because it was easier for Reese with her spoon

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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

At the end of the year I'm just gonna give up and say

2021

People are always asking “why give up everything to get into the dried fruit business?”

I have my raisins.

I give up drinking this year

Oops I mean: I give up, drinking this year.

Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel.

Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!

Today I decided to give up most of the internet and turned to Reddit for some positivity.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

[But legit Reddit is more positive than most of the rest of the internet. Despite our worst intentions.]

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks wer...

Ten years ago I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since

I had to give up my job as the triangle player in a reggae band

It was just one ting after another

A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.

Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"A considerate man would give up his seat to a lady in my condition," said the pregnant woman on the bus.

"A considerate woman would have fucked a guy with a car," I replied.

Why did the astronaut give up on going to Mars?

Because there's no longer any Opportunity there.

I tried to give up friction cold turkey....

But I just couldn't stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been trying to give up cursing for Lent.

Let’s just say that, so far, it’s been a fucking disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

News: the creators of reddit are creating a dating app targeted to people who give up easily

It's called "fuckit"

Why did the French Hen give up her job?

One day she'd just had un œuf.

I’ll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship.

It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.

After hearing about the boycott, I've decided to give up eating Chick-Fil-A

...but only on Sundays.

I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."

China: "We can't do that."

Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

I tried to give up heroin...

But my efforts were all in vein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

Everyone keeps telling me to give up smoking

But my parents taught me at a young age never to give up

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New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

My girlfriend asked if I was sad that I had to give up my bird collection...

I told her I have no egrets.

I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I love quadratic equations so much I would give up my first born child for it

and that’s not a hyperbola

Why did the calendar give up on life?

Because he felt his days were numbered.

I had to give up my career in tarot cards reading..

There was no future in it

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

Why did the Chemist give up a singing career?

He could not hit any of the ketones.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What made Sean Connery give up being a Mall Santa so fast?

He started off by saying "Shit on my lap, laddy"

A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" ...

"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

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A penitent man decided to give up sex for Lent...

A penitent man decided to give up sex for the Lenten season. His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, "I'm sorry, honey--I can't. It's Lent."

Angrily, she replied, "T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man decides to give up corporate life and move to cabin deep in the woods...

For a few months he lets go of the stress of the big city, chops his own fire wood, grows his own vegetables and enjoys the natural splendor of his surroundings.

Then one day he hears a knock on his cabin door and finds a huge, hairy, gristled old lumber jack standing on his porch.

"...

There's a support group for burned-out hacker/activists who want to give up the habit.

It's called Anonymous Anonymous.

Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

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