Ten years ago I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since.

I had to give up being a Taxi Driver

There was just too much talking behind my back

I had to give up my tap-dancing career.....

I kept slipping and landing in the sink.

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I decided to give up masturbating

I haven't felt myself since

Today I decided to give up most of the internet and turned to Reddit for some positivity.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

[But legit Reddit is more positive than most of the rest of the internet. Despite our worst intentions.]

At the end of the year I'm just gonna give up and say

2021

What do you call a guy who always refuses to give up his long “reading” sessions on the morning throne?

A Poo’er Aeternus

Hippo was a great motivational speaker. Hippo taught that you must never give up. Hippo didn’t follow his own advice.

Hippo Quit

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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My wife said if this post gets 2000 upvotes, she'll give up her anal virginity tonight!

Please don't.

She's out of town on a business trip until Monday.

Hi everyone, if you know someone who has animals to give up for adoption, tell them to contact me before Christmas.

I'm interested in:
Turkeys, chickens, snappers, bream, lobsters, prawns and lobsters.
Thanks

I give up drinking this year

Oops I mean: I give up, drinking this year.

Every year since 2017, my New Year’s resolution is to not give up and continue to work on my novel.

Three years later and I’ve almost finished reading it!

You should never EVER give up on your dreams!

That's why you should keep sleeping!

I have to give up spreadsheets for forty days.

Excellent.

I tried to give up friction cold turkey....

But I just couldn't stop.

TIL the lead singer of Chumbawumba is married to a champion breakdancer. She had to give up dancing when she fell pregnant but, only three months after giving birth, successfully defended her title at the World Championship.

She got knocked up, but she got down again.

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

A circus wants to change some things about one of it's acts to make it more modern, but they don't want to give up all of the originality

It's a balancing act.

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I've been trying to give up pornography...

... but some of the stuff on the Internet makes it very hard for me.

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My New Year Resolution is to give up sexual innuendos;

Which is going to be extremely hard...

If you're using public transport never give up your seat

If you're using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady...
That's how I lost my job as a bus drive

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News: the creators of reddit are creating a dating app targeted to people who give up easily

It's called "fuckit"

Everyone told Beethoven to give up because he was deaf

of course he didn't listen

Why did the cattle rancher give up his small cannabis farm?

The steaks were getting too high.

My friend just became an American citizen, but he was forced to give up his Chinese citizenship.

It’s been a real disorienting experience for him.

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend's bra off, I've decided to give up

I wish I'd never put it on now

If you fail once, don’t give up...

Try two more times so that you failure is statistically significant.

I had to give up on my idea to create the world’s smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

China: "We give up, Donald. What'll it take to end the Trade War?

Trump: "You'll have to move all of your factories to the US."

China: "We can't do that."

Trump: "That's too bad, because it's my way or the Huawei."

A confused young man was in a difficult situation. He couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Even though he tried as hard as he could, he was unable to make up his mind. Not willing to give up either, he strung them along for far too long.

This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good.


Moral of the story: You can't have your Kate and Edith too.

Why did the astronaut give up on going to Mars?

Because there's no longer any Opportunity there.

A woman was forced to give up her twins at birth

One of the boys goes to a family in Mexico and is named Juan. The other boy goes to a family in Africa, and is named Jamal.

Years later after the boys are grown her and her husband end up getting in contact with them. The couple is ecstatic! After a few letters have been exchanged the woman ...

I had to give up my job as the triangle player in a reggae band

It was just one ting after another

Next year I'll give up spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights...

It's going to be Excel Lent

Everyone keeps telling me to give up smoking

But my parents taught me at a young age never to give up

I tried to give up heroin...

But my efforts were all in vein.

After hearing about the boycott, I've decided to give up eating Chick-Fil-A

...but only on Sundays.

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent.

Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him
in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got
tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks wer...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve been trying to give up cursing for Lent.

Let’s just say that, so far, it’s been a fucking disaster.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked if I would rather give up cheese or blow jobs for the rest of my life.

Bye filatio!

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I'm trying to give up Viagra and improve my double entendres.....

But it's not easy

I had to give up using the work carpool as I got panic attacks every time we drove through a tunnel.

I have carpool tunnel syndrome.

I’ll give up my thesaurus...

when you pry it from my frosty, frozen, lifeless, stiff extremities.

My girlfriend asked if I was sad that I had to give up my bird collection...

I told her I have no egrets.

When you love someone, you give up everything for them.

Hope....sanity...freedom.

I love quadratic equations so much I would give up my first born child for it

and that’s not a hyperbola

If I start watching TV, I can give up smoking.

But I rather have lung cancer than brain cancer.

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New year's resolution - give up smoking and wanking.

It'll be tough because since I was 14, I've been a 40-a-day guy. I smoke a fair bit too.

My wife told me I had to give up drinking

So I joined the AA.
Unfortunately, I joined the Automobile Association by mistake.
At least either way I'm on the road to recovery.

My New Year's resolution is to give up club sandwiches.

But I don't think I can give up cold turkey.

Why did the calendar give up on life?

Because he felt his days were numbered.

I had to give up my career in tarot cards reading..

There was no future in it

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What made Sean Connery give up being a Mall Santa so fast?

He started off by saying "Shit on my lap, laddy"

Why did the French Hen give up her job?

One day she'd just had un œuf.

A young man proposes marriage to his sweetheart. The girl replies, "If I marry you, will you promise to give up smoking?" ...

"Yes, I will," came the reply.
"And drinking?"
"I will give up drinking as well."
"And going to the club with your cronies?"
"Yes, I will."
"And what else will you give up for my sake?" she asked finally.
"I have already given up the idea of marrying you."

Give up for Lent.

My wife told me I had to give up something for the 40 days of Lent, so I quit listening to her.

Why did the Chemist give up a singing career?

He could not hit any of the ketones.

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming

turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

There's a support group for burned-out hacker/activists who want to give up the habit.

It's called Anonymous Anonymous.

Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

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A penitent man decided to give up sex for Lent...

A penitent man decided to give up sex for the Lenten season. His wife was not informed of this situation, however. One the second night after Ash Wednesday, she showed some interest in relations. Rebuffing her advances he said, "I'm sorry, honey--I can't. It's Lent."

Angrily, she replied, "T...

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A man decides to give up corporate life and move to cabin deep in the woods...

For a few months he lets go of the stress of the big city, chops his own fire wood, grows his own vegetables and enjoys the natural splendor of his surroundings.

Then one day he hears a knock on his cabin door and finds a huge, hairy, gristled old lumber jack standing on his porch.

"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone asked me recently – what would I rather give up, food or sex.

Neither! I’m not falling for that one again, wife.

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