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A woman goes to an AA meeting, introduces herself, "I've been through three relationships now and I just can't handle it anymore. My pussy is killing me." Someone interrupts and says, "I'm sorry, what does this have to do with your problem with alcohol?"

"What problem with alcohol? I just can't seem to give up the hard lickers!"

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A girl wants to introduce her boyfriend, Maggot, to her parents

Maggot is this big biker dude. He has a leather vest, a bushy beard, and of course his pride and joy: a Harley-Davidson he keeps in pristine condition by polishing the chrome weekly and rubbing the saddle with vasoline whenever it rains.

So, at dinnertime, Maggot arrives at the parents' house...

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Always introduce the baby to your household pets

"Always introduce the baby to your household pets because they tend to feel jealous and will behave in an unpredictable manner." was a tip I'd read in a parenting book.

"Now that's some pretty shit advice......" I thought as my 3 day old daughter fell straight to the bottom of the fish ta...

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty

I told my coworker he should introduce himself like James Bond

The name's Moore, Steve Moore. At least that's what the ladies say.

Allow me to de-introduce myself

My name is [redacted]

How did the hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Patty

Putin just introduced Russia’s new COVID-19 vaccine. The good news is that it’s 100% effective.

The bad news is that it’s Novichok.

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

A blind guy (Dale) goes to a lumber yard looking for a job. Once he finds the freemans office he introduces himself and asks for a job.

The foreman (Greg) is unsure how a blind guy can work at a lumber yard and expresses his concerns.

Dale explains that bind people usually have heightened senses in the other areas. In his case his sense of smell is extra keen.

Greg tells him Dale that he doesn't understand how that wi...

Volvo has Thor’s Hammer Daytime Running Lights. For 2021, Lexus introduces Nagasaki Airbags...

You won’t even feel the impact.

When they introduced cyberpunk 2077

I didn't get that 2077 was the release date

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

A 15-year old boy came home with a Porsche.

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

How did Rowan Atkinson introduce himself when he performed in Spain?

Soy Bean

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I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

My bud Erik introduced me to his beautiful Indian friend, Monica. Being a nerd all my life, I thought I'd impress her with my typing speed. I wrote 70 words in a minute, and she was still unimpressed

Erik told me it was not her type

I am married to a Korean wife and she told me I get to name our son's English name

We live in Korea and gave our son my wife's last name 모 (pronounced 'mo').

I got to choose his English name so I said we should call him Lester.

So when I go around and introduce my child I could say

"This is our child 모 Lester"

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

How do sceptics introduce themselves?

"I don't believe we've met..."

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

This season of Earth is not realistic

So many plot holes. Like, where did the murder hornets go? Why introduce them if they're not important to the story?

I'm feeling Lost.

I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

How do you introduce a loaf of bread to your angry aunt?

Meatloaf croissant

Who lies about their names spelling every time they introduce themselves?

Noel

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Greeks invented sex

And then Romans introduced women

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

He said to her " may be I don't have a car or a villa or a farm or a company or lots of money like my friend John but I really really love you"

She hugged him and cried " if you really love me, introduce me to your friend John"

Two doctors sitting on a bench at the park

They see an old man approaching with something obviously wrong on his way of walking. They take a professional interest on him:
- Look, a clear case of hip replacement gone wrong
- No, my dear colleague, that is classical sciatic neuralgia
- I have to disagree with you, that dragging of the...

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

Two melons: A Love Story

One day two melons were laying next to each other in the sunny field. The same thing is also going on in an alternate universe. Tom Melon looks over and sees the most beautiful melon he’s ever laid his melon eyes upon. “I have to get over there and say something to her” he thinks to himself. So he r...

I Introduced my GF to my EX

She got upset. I guess she didn't like the mirror.

Soy Milk

What if soy milk is just regular milk trying to introduce itself in Spanish?

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

What do you get when you introduce music to a bee?

ABCD

Many years ago, St. Peter introduced some antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate to a small stick of wood.

It was a match made in heaven.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

How would King Dedede introduce a news story if he were a news anchor?

Surely this jest in.

Gordon Ramsay heard of a particular Italian restaurant that was recommended by a LOT of people.

Intrigued, he went there to speak to the chef.

He asked the chef, "What gave your restaurant such a burst of popularity?"

The chef answers, "Well, it all a-began when we introduced a new meal.

The meal was made with a fish, in Italian we-a call it Coppi.

We catch it in-a ...

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Pete...

A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.

The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:

Father: “What do you do for a living?”

Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”

Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for ...

He introduced her as his girlfriend.

Then he introduced her as his wife.

Then the three started quarrelling.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who created deer-plant hybrids?

Apparently he wanted to introduce some variety to the local fawna.

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So a girl comes in late to class...

The teacher asks her “why are you late?”

Girl replies, “I was outside blowing bubbles and lost track of time.”

Another girl comes in late, the teacher asks her: “and why are you late?”

Girl replies, “I was out blowing bubbles.”

Once again, another girl comes into class la...

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A sadist hydrocarbon introduces himself at a BDSM convention...

"hi, i'm propane"

My Mum introduced me to minimalism.

It's the least she could do.

A farmer had three daughters.

All three daughters were going on their first date tonight. The farmer, being over protective of them, decided to greet each suitor at the door with a shotgun. The first boy comes up and introduces himself.

"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to take Flo to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer...

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I was with a few friends in the pub.

"Hey," I told them, "my girlfriend's over there."



"Oh yeah? What does she do?"



"She's an actress...one of the best in the business."



We got to her table and I put my hand on her shoulder.



I said, "Hey honey, I thought I'd just introduce you...

How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

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This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

When mods were introduced to the gaming world,

They were a total game-changer

My Native American friend from work invites me home to meet his wife.

When we arrived at his house his wife appeared in full traditional dress, she looked stunning. My friend introduced me and said *”I’d like you to meet my wife, five horses.”* I commented what a beautiful name that was and asked what the significance was?

*”Quite simple”* really he replied, *...

What's the worst way to introduce yourself to a seasoning?

Cumin side her.

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once upon a time there was a village where everyone was named after letters of the Alphabet.

Also everyone referred to one another as "person".

"Hello person"
"How are you person"
Greetings, fellow person!"

and so on.


Anyways one day an outsider wanders into the village and he is being introduced to everyone by the village guide.

"This, is person A. Tha...

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Everyone knows Dave!

Dave was bragging to his mate Jim one day, "Y'know, I know absolutely everyone Jim! Just name someone, anyone, and I can introduce you."

Tired of his constant boasting, Jim tried to call him out, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No worries mate, Tom and I are old friends and I can pr...

A hillbilly introduces himself to his neighbor

Hillbilly: "Howdy neighbor, I see you moved into the holler and as a welcoming gift, I wanna throw you a party. There will be a lotta drinkin, a lotta dancing, and a lotta screwing"

Neighbor: "Oh that sounds great, what can I bring?"

Hillbilly: "Well, you can bring anything you'd like...

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Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.

They ask him to tell his most memorable hunting story, and he does.

“Well, back in 1954 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we were big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know a huge lion jumps out of the ...

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A man visits an Ejaculation clinic [NSFW]

A man visits an ejaculation clinic depressed that when he cums, all he can manage is a poor dribble at the end of his cock.

‘When I watch porn’ he tells the receptionist ‘they shoot it all over the poor girls face... some from like a metre away.’

‘Don’t worry’ replies the receptionist...

So this couple goes on vacation to Moscow

One night they decide to take a horse and buggy sight-seeing. They get in a carriage and the driver introduces himself as Rudolf. Off they go.

Unfortunately, the weather turns foul on them. "Darn. It looks like rain," the husband says.

"No. Is drizzle," says the driver.

"Actuall...

In the family

A husband confesses to his wife that he was unfaithful 21years ago, and as a result has a son. The wife forgives him. 9month later the wife is heavily pregnant and the husband wants to introduce his son to his wife.
The wife agrees and a date is set. On the morning arranged and as the father and ...

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A man is in a VIP airport lounge en route to Seattle.

He is meeting with a very important client who is also flying to Seattle but she is running a bit late. While waiting, he notices Bill Gates sitting in a chair enjoying a cognac. Being a forward type of a guy, the man approaches Bill Gates and introduces himself. He explains to Gates that he is cond...

Chevrolet is about to introduce another fully electric car

Many people think it's great but others think it's just re-Volting.

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

I think my family is racist

I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend

My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

Finally got the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family

Safe to say my wife wasn’t happy.

A redneck introduces his new neighbor to America

"We love to bomb other countries, we're very sensitive about our religion and down here it's normal to marry your cousin."

"I'm sure you'll fit right in Mohammed!"

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There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

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(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

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Toy Story 4 introduces sex toys...

Incidentally enough, they're also named Woody and Buzz.

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

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An old Greek man and an old Italian man are arguing. The Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge of direct elections and the benefit of the legislature, and thus created the Republic!"

The Greek man says "...

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On the first day in a Ukrainian school, the teacher introduces herself to the children.

"My name is Marivanna and I am Ukrainian," she says. "Now introduce yourselves, children."

A young boy stands up and says, "My name is Taras and I am Ukrainian."

Next, a young girl stands up and says, "My name is Oksana and I am Ukrainian."

Another lad stands up and says, "My na...

What is the worst way to introduce yourself to a vegan?

Hi, nice to meat you.

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

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A Greek and an Indian are having tea together and trying to one up each other on their historical achievements.

The Greek guy says, "Well, we have the Parthenon".

Arching his eyebrows the Indian replies, "We have the Taj Mahal.”

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Indian, shaking his head, says, "But we invented the number 0.”

And so on and on th...

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An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies?

They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"

How do Italian mosquitoes introduce themselves?

It's a me, Malario!

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

My friend wanted to introduce me to his vegan girlfriend...

He asked me how I felt about that and I said I don't know, never met herbivore.

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her family

Her parents invite him for dinner at their home. They all sit down at the table, while the dog lies down under it, and they start eating.

At some point, the dude feels like he really needs to fart. He tries to suppress the awkward feeling, but he can't and farts a big one.

'Rufus!' ye...

Priest and the Camera

Twice a week the local parish priest liked to go up on the roof of the rectory and crank one out. He had decided that this was probably the most discreet and secure place he could be and not be discovered. One day a tourist on a nearby tower was taking pictures of the city landscape and noticed the ...

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

What do cows do when there first introduced?

They give each other a milkshake

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