I told this joke today when asked to stand up and introduce yourself to the group, and say something interesting about yourself ...

So this guy dies and goes to hell. He finds himself in a nice room with a group of other people. Satan stands up and says, "Welcome to Hell!" The guy thinks to himself, "well, this doesn't seem so awful." Then Satan says, "I'd like each of you to introduce yourself, and tell us something interes...

How do you introduce and insult Grace at the same time?

"Dis Grace"

What do you get when you introduce music to a bee?

ABCD

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I suggested to my wife that to spice up our sex life, we introduce fruit into the bedroom.

She went fucking bananas.

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

He introduced her as his girlfriend.

Then he introduced her as his wife.

Then the three started quarrelling.

How does a Butcher introduce his wife?

Meet Patty!!!

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner
with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"


Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."


The teacher responded by saying: "That would
be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, ho...

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Two new members of a hunting lodge get introduced to its oldest member.

They ask him to tell his most memorable hunting story, and he does.

“Well, back in 1954 in Africa,” the old man starts, “we were big-game hunting. Didn’t have much luck at first, but on the third day I was resting by a tree when I heard a noise. Next thing I know a huge lion jumps out of the ...

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I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

China has introduced more stringent censorship policies on the internet

Chinese citizens will now no longer be able to indicate merriment using lol on WeChat, they must now compulsorily use lmao, or roflmao as a tribute to communist heritage.

How did the virus introduce itself?

Hi, I'm an influenza, check out my YouTube page!

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A sadist hydrocarbon introduces himself at a BDSM convention...

"hi, i'm propane"

My Mum introduced me to minimalism.

It's the least she could do.

What's the worst way to introduce yourself to a seasoning?

Cumin side her.

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

A republican politician dropped in on a farm and introduced himself as a Republican candidate

And as he tells it the farmer’s eyes lit up and then he said ‘Wait ’til I get my wife. We’ve never seen a Republican before.’ And a few minutes later he was back with his wife and they asked Prentiss if he wouldn’t give them a speech.


Well he looked around for a kind of a podium s...

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

How does Milk introduce its self in Spanish?

Soy Milk

Chevrolet is about to introduce another fully electric car

Many people think it's great but others think it's just re-Volting.

A hillbilly introduces himself to his neighbor

Hillbilly: "Howdy neighbor, I see you moved into the holler and as a welcoming gift, I wanna throw you a party. There will be a lotta drinkin, a lotta dancing, and a lotta screwing"

Neighbor: "Oh that sounds great, what can I bring?"

Hillbilly: "Well, you can bring anything you'd like...

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(some very basic french is needed to understand) During the international annual ice cat race, they introduced all the cat-racers!

There was a french cat - Un Deux Trois

A spanish cat - Uno Dos Tres

And an american cat - one two three

The cats got behind the starting line on the ice, which was frozen on real water. The whistle was blown and the cats take off! Eventually, the French cat seems to be winning!...

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh!" Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me…"

God commented, "Well, what a big deal – inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was appare...

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A dude walks into a restaurant and says,

"Where's the fucking manager you cock-sucker?"

The host is surprised and replies, "Excuse me, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the dude asks, "Are you the fucking manager of thi...

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Several years ago, a group of artistic polymaths decided to mathematically represent different styles of painting.

Each of the polymaths was a leading figure in a different field of mathematics, and each pursued and studied a different style of painting. Together, they decided that if they co...

I used to have a nice car and a nice house until my mate introduced me to drugs.

Now I have a yacht and a Caribbean island.

God announced he was ready to create Man, but Satan came up with a scheme to mess with his plan

"God", said Satan. "Since Man is to be your crowning achievement, wouldn't you agree that when you introduce Man to Earth, it should be on a warm, sunny day to start with auspicious signs?"

God thought about it and he agreed. "Very well. I will create Man on the next warm, sunny day in Eden."...

A redneck introduces his new neighbor to America

"We love to bomb other countries, we're very sensitive about our religion and down here it's normal to marry your cousin."

"I'm sure you'll fit right in Mohammed!"

Mom meet my girlfriend

Me: mom let me introduce you to my girlfriend.

Mom: you could not find anything better?

Me: Let me be, I love her.

Mom: Shut up! I am speaking to her.

A boxing coach introduces the parts of the ring to his students.

“Here is the break area...

Here is the railing...

And here is the punchline.”

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NSFW - Man goes to a brothel (long)

A man goes to a brothel and asks for the most experienced woman they have.
The madam introduces him to a nice lady, he agrees and they go to the room.


During foreplay the man starts fingering the woman, starting with one finger.
Since the girl is a bit big and doesn't seem ...

Finally got the courage to introduce my girlfriend to my family

Safe to say my wife wasn’t happy.

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Toy Story 4 introduces sex toys...

Incidentally enough, they're also named Woody and Buzz.

A woman introduces her boyfriend to her parents.

A woman has her boyfriend meet her parents.

The father of the woman and the boyfriend then have a discussion at a Catholic Bible Study:

Father: “What do you do for a living?”

Boyfriend: “I am a Biblical Scholar.”

Father: “A Biblical scholar, huh? How will you provide for ...

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After recovering from an accident resulting in the loss of his eye, Jim decides to have a drink at the local pub with a few friends. The man, self-conscious about being made fun of for his wooden eye, downs three shots to try to loosen up.

He notices his friends pointing and laughing at a girl with what appeared to be a mouth that went up and down rather than side-to-side. He, of all people, could understand her discomfort, and decided to walk over and introduce himself.

After an hour and a few drinks, the conversation was flo...

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman are in a bar with their sons.

They start to introduce their sons to the rest of the group. The Englishman says "This is my son George. We called him that because he was born on St George's Day."

The Scotsman says "This is my son Andrew. We called him that because he was born on St Andrew's Day."

The Irishman loo...

How did the socially awkward cowboy introduce himself?

How... day?

A little known fact about China.

The year of the Tiananmen Square massacre was the first year China tried to introduce Tanksgiving.

What do cows do when there first introduced?

They give each other a milkshake

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

At the turn of the last century, Mexico was introduced to mayonnaise.

And they just loved it. They couldn't make mayonnaise quick enough.

Little known fact, the Titanic had a large vat of mayonnaise that was going to go to Mexico.

Now when the Titanic sunk, and the mayonnaise we...

A guy, a pig, and a dog were the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck.

They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a few weeks, they got into a ritual of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect...

My wife hates it.

When I introduce her as my ex-girl friend.

What do you say when you're introduced to a vegan?

Nice to meat you.

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The Greeks vs. The Italians

The Greeks say, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italians say, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks say, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italians say, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours, until final...

A man looks across the restaurant and sees a beautiful woman...

He keeps stealing glances at her throughout his meal. Just as he is about to finish eating, the woman lets out a giant sneeze...and a huge POP sound echoes throughout the dining room. Seeing a blur, the man instinctively reaches out his hand and grabs something.

It's the woman's glass eye....

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

2 christians were stranded in a desert.

The first was called John and the second was called Jack. They were extremely hungry and thirsty.

In the distance, they saw a mosque gleaming in the middle of no where.

John suggested to go and pay the mosque's Imam a visit and ask for some food and water. Jack agreed but suggested to ...

In 1964, a couple of former St. Louis Cardinals baseball stars were on vacation in Wales....

Red Schoendienst and Stan Musial decided to head to the UK on vacation with their wives after the 1964 Major League Baseball season. The two had retired as players the year before and had just finished their first full season as members of the staff - Musial as vice president, Schoendienst as a coa...

The dollar sign ($) was introduced in 1788

It was a simpler time back then. Everyone had common cents

I used to have this on my Tinder profile to introduce myself to guys...

Im like a microwave: easy to turn on, warm on the inside and if you put a baby inside me I’ll kill it.

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Three freshmen meet for the first time in a college dorm....

and introduce themselves, mostly trying to impress one another.

The first one says, "My family has been in America for more than 200 years. My father is C.E.O of the biggest bank in New York and he gave me a BMW to drive around the campus."

The second one says, "That's nice."

T...

What is the worst way to introduce yourself to a vegan?

Hi, nice to meat you.

How did the amateur bass player introduce himself?

Hey guys, so I play the guitar, lowkey

I introduced science and technology to the frogs in my neighborhood in an attempt to uplift their species.

All of my neighbors are mad at me now because now the frogs only say “rivet”.

How do Chinese spies introduce themselves to their enemies?

They say, "I'm Wa-Ching Yu!"

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Translation of the Bulgarian variation of the 1st day of school joke.

It's the 1st day of school at an American Middle School.

The teacher introduces the new student - Takiro Suzuki from Japan.

Class starts and she says:

- Now we will see if you know your history. Who said "Give me liberty, or give me death!"?

No one knows b...

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The Names Bond

So, James Bond retired and a new 007 took his place. She had trained all her life for this role, and was eager to do her duty for queen and country. Her first day on the job, she was introduced to Q, who debriefed her on all her new gadgets. The one he was most proud of was a dress that could perfor...

How do Italian mosquitoes introduce themselves?

It's a me, Malario!

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A man dies and goes to Hell...

Given his cruel, sadistic streak, the demons really like this guy and start giving him some say in how the day-to-day life of Hell can be made more Hellish for the other souls. He introduces bizarre new forms of torture on an almost daily basis.



One day, the man comes up with his dar...

[LONG] A Man Gets Arrested

He gets introduced to his cell mate and they talk for a bit, turns out his cell mate has been here longer than anyone. After a while, someone in their cell block shouts "14!". A couple people giggle at this. The man ignores it, assuming it's some inside joke he won't understand for a while. After so...

I hate this show.

It’s so poorly written. They introduce so many new characters, it’s impossible to keep track. And it seems like some of them hardly do anything, they just hang around and say, like, five lines per episode.

What’s it called? Hang on, let me check.

“Presidential debate.”

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On the first day in a Ukrainian school, the teacher introduces herself to the children.

"My name is Marivanna and I am Ukrainian," she says. "Now introduce yourselves, children."

A young boy stands up and says, "My name is Taras and I am Ukrainian."

Next, a young girl stands up and says, "My name is Oksana and I am Ukrainian."

Another lad stands up and says, "My na...

My friend wanted to introduce me to his vegan girlfriend...

He asked me how I felt about that and I said I don't know, never met herbivore.

How do I introduce my friend Harold, the Mediterranean meat magician?

Gyro wizard, Harry!

I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.

I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

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The bank president's balls.

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's off...

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two old men are arguing about history and the spendors of athens and rome.

the Greek man says "Look, all I'm saying is that the Greeks invented everything the Romans get credit for!"

The Italian says "Yes, may be, but the Romans improved it and made it useful!"

The Greek man says "We invented the Democracy!"

The Italian says "We realized the challenge ...

I introduced my communist friend to Minecraft the other day.

Too bad he ended up starving to death.

What's worse is he's still AFK in my house.

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An anthropologist visits a local translator in Zimbabwe.

"I'd like to set up a meeting with the nearby Xhosa tribe," he says. "But I haven't had any luck finding them. Can you help me send a message?"

The translator smiles. "Ah yes, it is difficult to find them. This particular tribe has little interest in Westerners. But they will still meet with ...

A scientist has made the greatest breakthrough in human history by discovering how to time travel...

..and after global fame and months of planning how to communicate, how to introduce his people and what to bring he and his assistant time travel back to Ancient Egypt as an ambassador to a famous queen. His visit is able to be broadcasted live to the present in front of billions and Egyptians from ...

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A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give y...

In their biology class, students are given an activity that introduces them to relative dating...

One Student: "Relative Dating? This isn't Alabama!"

Whenever I introduce myself, I always bring up the titantic.

It's just such a good ice breaker!

An old man walks into a bar and slams a bag of gold coins down,

addresses the customers by saying, "I'll give this entire bag of coins to any man here able to drink 10 pints in 2 minutes'"

Nobody takes him up on the offer but he notices an Irishman getting up and leaving.

A few minutes later the Irishman is back and says to him, "Is yer wager stil...

A guy wants to introduce his girlfriend to his mother.

And he decides to have a little fun with it. He calls his mom up and says, "Ma, you know me so well, how about we play a little game. I'll bring three women over, and by the end of the night you see if you can figure out which one I'm dating." The mom reluctantly agrees.

That night, he shows ...

Marvel will introduce a turkish superhero in the second infinity war movie

Ayran Man

My girlfriend introduced our new baby to my friends.

"Look at those chubby cheeks and bald head," they said.

I said, "Thanks, but we're here to talk about the baby."

DNA

What happens when you introduce human DNA into a goat?

.

.

.

You get asked to leave the petting zoo!

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My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

An American biker decides to travel the world

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.

One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Har...

Bart Simpson goes to a bar

He introduces himself to the barkeep and orders a drink that is enthusiastically provided to him.
Bart downs the drink, keels over and dies.

A patron sitting at the bar observing all this exclaims to the bar keep, "Oh my God! What just happened? Did you just poison Bart Simpson?!"

T...

I rode on an elevator to the eleventh floor and the operator jammed the door and introduced himself as Rick.

"Let me out, Rick! This isn't my floor!" I begged.

He smiled. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

I introduced my girlfriend to my family today.

My kids really liked her but my wife seemed mad.

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One day a business man notices a little shop and decides he’ll check it out.

Where stands an old man. Before the business man could introduce himself. The old man, thinking that he is the town’s famed storyteller, began his great legend.

He started,”Do ye feel the sturdiness of this here frame? I built it with mine own two hands. But they don’t call me Poltroon the bu...

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A girl introduces her new boyfriend to her family

Her parents invite him for dinner at their home. They all sit down at the table, while the dog lies down under it, and they start eating.

At some point, the dude feels like he really needs to fart. He tries to suppress the awkward feeling, but he can't and farts a big one.

'Rufus!' ye...

I told my wife to get a Brazilian

The next day she introduced me to her new friend, Paulo.

My jealous wife made me change my name to 'Married.'

Now I have to introduce myself to other women as "Hi, I'm Married."

So, I introduced my gf to my family today...

I still don’t know why my wife hates her so much.

World's Most Gullible Man

A man is talking to a local at the pub. He goes and introduces himself.

The man then turns to the local and asks, "Have you heard my name before— perhaps in the news?"

The local replies *"No Sir, I have not."*

The man explains how he had "Won the title of the World's Most Gulli...

There was a substitute teacher that was replacing his friend in a rural school.

So the teacher came in and introduced himself. He asked the pupils to introduce themselves and tell the class what is their hobby.



He pointed a kid and asked him the question. He stood up and responded "Hi, my name is Andrew and I love to fish at the lake while watching sunset." The t...

A man introduces his two kids.

He says, “These are my children, Frankincense and Bob.”

The other man responds, “Oh, I thought the other child would have been named Myrrh.”

The father responds, “Oh no, we get that all the time. You see my wife and I are HUGE fans of particular books and movies so we named them after ...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

A man walks into an LGBTQ centre.

He walks up to the front desk and introduces himself. "Hello, I identify as a chocolate bar. Can I join?"

The receptionist replies "Sir, that's disgraceful! You're mocking the community. We're going to have to ask you to leave."

"You can't call me sir!" The man exclaims. "I use her/she...

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A man in the military recently broke up with his ex, so he decided to visit a bar to meet some women.

The man notices a seductive looking woman sitting at the bar.

He introduces himself and she introduces herself likewise.

The woman has a strong sex drive, so she asks him a sexual question to get straight to the point. She asks, “Hey cutie, what’s your body count?”

The man repli...

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

Hello, I'd like to introduce you to my friend. He's a Jewish Barista.

Hebrew.

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