I was gonna tell a child abandonment joke....

But then I realized it wasn’t wanted

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What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

I used to work with a hard working guy who didn't know the meaning of the word surrender, or the meaning of the word capitulate, didn't even know the meaning of the word abandon....

When he retired we bought him a dictionary.

(A joke my physics teacher told) There was a Bulgarian man who drove trains for a living...

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

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My donkey fell down an abandoned well...

Long stoty short: I have to take care of an asshole now.

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

what did the plank of wood say as it lay abandoned and immobile in a field for 50 years?

I'm board.

In Mesopotamia when men decided to abandon their wives and children…

Do you think they said they were just going out for for ziggurats?

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

How is a photon like an abandoned church?

They have no mass

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

What do you call a member of the armed forces who abandons his diet?

A desserter.

A man secretly wants to get rid of his wife's cat...

...and decides to abandon it. He takes her into the car, drives a few blocks away, drops off the cat and drives home.

Ten minutes later, the cat is back home again.

"Well," the man thinks to himself, "maybe it was a little too short a distance."

He gets back in the car with the ...

Run-down Farm

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's wo...

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

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Cold hands

A young man picks up his girlfriend on a very cold winter day in his fathers sleigh. They go for a ride on a trail though the forest.

After they travel a few miles, the boy abruptly stops the horse and says, "my hands are so cold." 

The girl says "put them between my legs and I'll wa...

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Bill knows everyone

I met a man the other day named Bill the other day, and after introductions, he said, "I am glad to finally meet you. Now I officially know everybody on the planet."

"What?" I asked, "There is no way you can possibly know everyone on the Earth."

"It's true," he said, "You are the last...

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

Elon Musk, Cristiano Ronaldo, a mailman, and the Dalai Lama are in a plane when suddenly they enter some extremely rough turbulence.

The pilot enters the room and says “Bad news, the plane is damaged too bad to fix. We have maybe 5 minutes before we’re going to have to abandon the plane.” Unfortunately, when they grab the parachutes, they see that one of them has an enormous rip through the middle and is unusable, which leaves f...

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

Why did Rihanna abandon the Catholic faith?

She found love in a Popeless place.

There's a new epic movie coming out about Harry & Meghan abandoning the royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle.

It's called ***Gone with the Windsors***

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a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

Did you hear about the mailman who walked out on the job?

He abandoned his post.

To abandon an ice cream sundae in Death Valley is to

Desert your dessert in a desert.

Elon Musk has decided to abandon his dream of going to Mars and pursue a career in perfume sales.

In honor of the canceled Mars program he will be debuting 'SpaceAxe', a signature Elon "Musk".

What is it called when Batman abandons Gotham city?

Christian Bale.

A woman goes for a Covid-19 test while her husband waits at home and nervously awaits the results.

Two days later, the test result comes back as positive. The doctor said to her husband, "The result of the test is positive but unfortunately, we've had your wife's test confused with someone else's. We're not sure if your wife has Covid-19 or dementia."

"What should I do?" asks her husband.<...

Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.

The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb h...

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

Why did the crew abandon the chili pepper boat?

It was capsaicin. ^(Don't hurt me.)

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

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What do you call it when...

What do you call it when two people are arguing walking down the street?

A cross walk.

What do you call it when people get frustrated and start talking over each other?

Cross talk.

What do you call a rooster abandoned by a farmer?

A tossed cock.

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

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What's the difference between a lobster with big breasts and an abandoned bus terminal that's fallen into disrepair?

Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)

Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

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A lion is walking through the Serengeti

Its the dry season so he’s ecstatic to find a mud puddle. He bends down for a cool sip, and as his tail goes up, a gorilla barges out of the bush and gives him the old Liberace. The lion rears back in surprise and anger.

Realizing his mistake, the gorilla runs off through the bush with the l...

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

What did the sign say on the abandoned nuclear reactor?

Gone fission

I joined a BPD support group to deal with my abandonment issues.

But I didn't deserve those beautiful losers, so I left them.

I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...

My whole family advised me not to.


"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.

"Why?" I asked.

"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."


"Don't ...

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

Three teenage boys are walking in the woods and they come across an abandoned well.

They walk up to it and peer down into the darkness. The boys start wondering out loud how deep it is and one quickly grabs a pebble to test it out. He drops it into the well and they listen...but there's nothing.

So the second boy grabs a rock, one about the size of a baseball and drops it ...

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

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A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

I'm not sure how I feel about abandoned babies.

To be honest, I can take them or leave them.

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

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2 aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station

They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response.

The alien, annoyed b...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish th...

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive)

and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says "let's screw him" to which the Rabbi replies "out of what?"

Vasili's father walkes into his son's room

"Vasili, I think it's time I told you something... Two things, actually..."

"Yes, father, what is it?"

“Well first of all, my son, you should know... You are adopted... "

Vasili slowly bows his head and starts weeping...

"The other thing is... Well, my dear child, we fo...

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3 man crash with a plane on an abandoned island:

an American, a Japanese and an English man are the only survivors. The American immediately takes charge and gives everyone a task in order for them to survive. You English man, go into the woods and gather tree branches so we can make a fire. I will go make a spear and hunt animals for food and the...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

A group of engineering professors are all sitting on a plane waiting to take off...

The captain comes over the intercom and announces that as a surprise, the entire plane has been designed and built by their students.

Understandably, all the engineers immediately begin panicking, desperately scrambling to get off the plane, all except for one who is still calmly sitting in h...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

I made a (hopefully) original joke!

In 2019, the army had been at war with another country. In order to keep their troops healthy, they needed to monitor the submarine that carried supplies to where the others were located.

But there was a small problem. Every so often, there would be a defect in the submarine's engine that wou...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

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