I was gonna tell a child abandonment joke....

But then I realized it wasn’t wanted

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you get when you cross a mentally ill loner with a society that abandons him and treats him like trash?

You get what you fucking deserve! *BANG*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a desperate woman puts an ad on craigslist.

she writes: "all i want is a man who won't hit me, won't abandon me, and has a large penis. if these conditions apply to you here's my address"

a few days later she hears a loud knock on the door

man: hello i saw your personal ad and i think we're perfect for each other, as you can see...

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

How is a photon like an abandoned church?

They have no mass

what did the plank of wood say as it lay abandoned and immobile in a field for 50 years?

I'm board.

What do you call a member of the armed forces who abandons his diet?

A desserter.

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

There was a train driver in Bulgaria.

He loved his job. Driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child. He loved to make the train go as fast as possible. Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash. He made it out, but a single person died. Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incid...

A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try ...

Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell r...

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

In Mesopotamia when men decided to abandon their wives and children…

Do you think they said they were just going out for for ziggurats?

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when...

What do you call it when two people are arguing walking down the street?

A cross walk.

What do you call it when people get frustrated and start talking over each other?

Cross talk.

What do you call a rooster abandoned by a farmer?

A tossed cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

There's a new epic movie coming out about Harry & Meghan abandoning the royalty and moving to Georgia to lead an agrarian lifestyle.

It's called ***Gone with the Windsors***

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion is walking through the Serengeti

Its the dry season so he’s ecstatic to find a mud puddle. He bends down for a cool sip, and as his tail goes up, a gorilla barges out of the bush and gives him the old Liberace. The lion rears back in surprise and anger.

Realizing his mistake, the gorilla runs off through the bush with the l...

Why did Rihanna abandon the Catholic faith?

She found love in a Popeless place.

I was in the middle of a lake in a canoe with my girl friend last week when suddenly the boat sprung a leak. We had to decide whether to try and get the boat back to shore or abandon ship.

We had a real row v. wade debate that day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits court to ask for a name change

"Hi there, I would like to change my name, please", the man says.

"I see... Why exactly do you want to change your name?", the clerk asked.

"Well, I was named after my father but he abandoned us while I was a baby so I don't feel any connection to it."

"I understand but we can't...

What is it called when a flock of sheep abandon their leader?

Muttony

A group of Egyptian soldier were beaten by Stone Age tribesmen after abandoning their steel tipped spears

Oh the iron-y

To abandon an ice cream sundae in Death Valley is to

Desert your dessert in a desert.

[CLEAN] A blonde, brunette, and red-head are all on the run from the law...

They find shelter in an abandoned potato factory and each hide in an empty sack. The cops find the sacks and an officer kicks the first one. The brunette says, "Meowww" with her best cat impression. The lieutenant yells, "Leave that sack be! We don't need a cat clawing our ankles. Another officer ki...

Two officers receive a call about a man who attempted to steal a brief case, but immediately felt remorse and abandoned the area. The officers arrive on the scene to investigate.

“Open and shut case Johnson”

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

Vasili's father walkes into his son's room

"Vasili, I think it's time I told you something... Two things, actually..."

"Yes, father, what is it?"

“Well first of all, my son, you should know... You are adopted... "

Vasili slowly bows his head and starts weeping...

"The other thing is... Well, my dear child, we fo...

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

Kevin with his mistress on the bed

"You should leave now. My husband is coming back soon", said the woman.

"Don't worry, I've got my trained smart horse outside. If I just blow a whistle and jump out the window, it would catch me easily", smiled Kevin.

Then someone knocked at the door.

In a panic, Kevin blowed a ...

Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.

The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb h...

What is it called when Batman abandons Gotham city?

Christian Bale.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

My abandonment issues are gone!

They decided to leave me too I guess..

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a lobster with big breasts and an abandoned bus terminal that's fallen into disrepair?

Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

If you are looking for a witty guy with abandonment issues

Then look no father

Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)

Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Five American explorers and best friends just found an old, abandoned Communist bunker.

When they got inside it, they saw a closed gate with what seemed like a treasure behind it. The gate could only be opened by teamwork and unity - the Communist way. There were four swithes on the gate, and one on the ground, and to reach it you needed to lean.

Luckily, one of the Americans h...

MI5, CIA and FSB are tasked with finding a rabbit in a forest

MI5 forms a task group of twelve agent and proceeds to set up surveillance and monitor the inhabitants of the forest 24/7. They also buy information on the rabbit from several forest critters. After three months, MI5 abandons the search and concludes that the rabbit does not exist.


CIA ro...

I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...

My whole family advised me not to.


"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.

"Why?" I asked.

"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."


"Don't ...

What did the sign say on the abandoned nuclear reactor?

Gone fission

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Boys and a Haunted House

Three boys were standing in front of an old abandoned house in their neighborhood. There was a rumor going around that the place was haunted.

"I'm not going in there. Fuck that." Said the first boy.

"You pussy. I aint scared of nothing." Said the second boy. So he slipped inside the ho...

I joined a BPD support group to deal with my abandonment issues.

But I didn't deserve those beautiful losers, so I left them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

Three teenage boys are walking in the woods and they come across an abandoned well.

They walk up to it and peer down into the darkness. The boys start wondering out loud how deep it is and one quickly grabs a pebble to test it out. He drops it into the well and they listen...but there's nothing.

So the second boy grabs a rock, one about the size of a baseball and drops it ...

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

I'm not sure how I feel about abandoned babies.

To be honest, I can take them or leave them.

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station

They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response.

The alien, annoyed b...

I made a (hopefully) original joke!

In 2019, the army had been at war with another country. In order to keep their troops healthy, they needed to monitor the submarine that carried supplies to where the others were located.

But there was a small problem. Every so often, there would be a defect in the submarine's engine that wou...

A group of engineering professors are all sitting on a plane waiting to take off...

The captain comes over the intercom and announces that as a surprise, the entire plane has been designed and built by their students.

Understandably, all the engineers immediately begin panicking, desperately scrambling to get off the plane, all except for one who is still calmly sitting in h...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were being chased by an axe-murderer...

when they stumbled upon an old abandoned warehouse. Deciding that it was the safest place to hide, the three women entered the warehouse.

Along the back wall of the warehouse were three empty potato sacks laying on the ground. Thinking on their feet, each women got into a sack to hide from c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 man crash with a plane on an abandoned island:

an American, a Japanese and an English man are the only survivors. The American immediately takes charge and gives everyone a task in order for them to survive. You English man, go into the woods and gather tree branches so we can make a fire. I will go make a spear and hunt animals for food and the...

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish th...

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive)

and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says "let's screw him" to which the Rabbi replies "out of what?"

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly walks into a proctologist’s office

And across the desk of that proctologist the fly goes into the issues that cause him pain.

“Well, where to begin... uhhhh let’s start with my credit, I took a dive of a FICO score from 670 to 450 in the last 6 months, my boss is cracking down on these new reports that corporate wants done da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

two homeless blondes

Two homeless blondes start to live in abandoned railway carriages. They tell each other how it feels like.
The fist one says: "I don't like the 'no smoking' sign, I have to smoke outside even when it's winter."
The second one says: "I don't like the 'use the toilet only when the train is m...

As the Titanic sank, the musicians remained on deck and continued to play music as the ship went down.

The captain had said "aBandOn Ship", so they really had no choice.

I love the smell of abandoned commercial manufacturing plants.

I find it to be a pleasant old factory experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In medieval times in Rome, the Pope, influenced by some conservative advisers, decided to expel all Jews from the city

The Pope, not wanting to seem as forcing his decision on the Jews, allowed a debate to be held so the Jews could defend their citizenship.

That night, the Jewish Rabbis gathered in the synagogue to decide who will debate against the Pope. However none of the Rabbis wanted to debate against hi...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

What did ABCDE say when asked about offering the bulk discount for 5$?

"I'm not one to three for $5!"

I just thought this one up and was wondering if you guys could help me fine tune it or decide to abandon it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddies and I where out for a night on the town.

We ended up at a high end bar with a dress code.All my buddies being the suave dudes they are where dressed accordingly with suits and ties but I alas was not. See you on the other side fucker they all yelled out as they went in laughing. Well there I was, out in the cold left out,abandoned.Not to b...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

After 62 years of being devoted to Judaism, Abraham converts to Christianity

Distraught over this unexpected development, his life-long friend Moshe sends him a message.

Moshe: "Abraham, you schmuck! How could you abandon your faith?"

Abraham: "New Testament, who dis?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.