UPJOKE
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So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura changes to a shade of blue right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?
2. What were your expenses?
3. How much have you left?
4. Send it in.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border.

The only issue is that they’re buried six feet deep.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year...

Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rud...

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

A man went into the confessional and ……

said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For y...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Wife taking a trip

Man 1: “So my wife is taking a trip to the West Indies”

Man 2: oh that sounds lovely. Jamaica?”

Man 1: “no she went of her own accord”

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

After years of saving, John was able to finally afford a nice car. When he drove by, it would turn all the heads in town, but he would never acknowledge it.

For I do not speak of my own accord - John 12:49

64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

Me: “According to Waze, someone got decapitated on the interstate”

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

I just found out that my girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

According to historians, Julius Caesar was very religious in his later years.

Near the end of his reign, he became a holy man.

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

My Honda Accord was rear-ended by a truck.

Now it’s a Honda Accordion.

Did you hear Elmer Fudd opened a distillery?

According to him, it's a whiskey business.

Some person starts working at a bakery.

(not my joke)

His first day is Monday. Upon entering, he hears that today is doughnut day. He dances with joy, and starts baking doughnuts like a madman. The manager tastes the doughnuts, and they are the best of the best doughnuts you would have ever tasted. His enthusiasm lasts for the enti...

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

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The widow of the old rabbi must remarry...

The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher".

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow ac...

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

The world funniest joke according to science

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

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I just saw a couple having sex on their Accord

It's really something you Odyssey for yourself.

Why do wives usually cook for their husbands?

Because according to the law all prisoners must be fed

I was talking to a friend when he said 'My wife's just gone to the West Indies' I asked 'Jamaica?'

'No, she went of her own accord' he replied

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam.

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam. He flips a coin for each question and picks the choices accordingly. An hour into the exam – when all the students have given in their papers and he’s the only one left in the room, the invigilator sees that he’s still flipping coins; and tells him the...

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

Radio Yerevan Joke

One type joke from back in the Soviet Union was a Radio Yerevan Joke, in which Radio Yerevan would make a witty subversive reply to various queries. Anyway, here's a new one I saw about the present war:


"This is Radio Yerevan. Our listeners ask us: 'According to Putin, what is going on ...

According to my girlfriend I'm part of generation D.

"You are such a D-gen-erate!" she said

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

I told my friend that my girlfriend went on holiday to the west indies.

He said "Jamaica"...

I said, "No, she went of her own accord." I then added, "For her next holiday, she's off to one of the coldest states in America."

He said "which one"

I said "Alaska".

He said, "don't bother. I'll ask her, myself."

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

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Two blokes talking in the bar about their summer holidays

“Took my wife to Northern Italian coast this summer”
“Genoa?”
“Course I fucking know her, she’s my wife”

“Well I took my wife to the West Indies”
“Jamaica?”
“No, she came of her own accord”

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

Pandas have finally started breeding together in captivity

According to staffers, the place just suddenly erupted into panda-moan-ium

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Honda has the least pushy dealerships

You can always leave with your own Accord

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

A reporter interviews a monk who's 130 years old

Reporter : According to the Guinness world record book you are the oldest living person in the world right now. What is your secret?
Monk : Well, for starters I don't argue with idiots.
Reporter : No way!
Monk : No way.

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

In the early 1970s, a young man graduated from Seminary and was sent to a small Southern town to be their minister.

This young man looked almost exactly like country singer Conway Twitty. After settling in at his house, he decided to introduce himself to some members of his congregation.

The first stop was an elderly couple. He knocked on the door, the woman answered and yelled "Conway Twitty! Pa, come ...

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Ar...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub

Two judges were stumbling home from their local pub, arms around each other, loudly singing Kenny Rodgers.

“Hey," said one, "I think we're drunk."

“You’re right, and according to the law I will have to charge you with being drunk and disorderly. You’ll have to appear before me at 10AM ...

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

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Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

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According to the journal Nature ...

researchers at Kyoto University
in Japan have a chimpanzee that can remember the correct
sequence of five random numbers and performed about as well as
an average preschool child. [Unfortunately, now they have to
keep her separated from the rest of the chimps. She took all of
the...

According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

Grandpa Mike died this weekend.

He led a simple life, loved by family and friends while enjoying a long career as a crop duster. In accordance with his final wishes, his cremated remains will be mixed with water and sprayed over the seashore where he spent his final days. He will be mist.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

According to Science

Alcohol is a solution.

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

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Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

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According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

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According to a recent study, women with large breasts have greater success in corporate world than

Men with large breasts.

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

How do you tie two Hondas together?

...with Accord

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

How many people can you kill with a single bottle of water?

According to airport security, quite a lot.

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

BREAKING: According to the 2020 Census...

...there are 0 Amish remaining in the entire U.S.

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

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A very rich man and a monk

(This is an old joke translated from bengali so forgive me for mistakes or reposts).


A very rich man had married a village girl and they were looking for a nice house.

Unable to find any apartment they went to visit a local monk of the village who was rumored to make wishes true o...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.

The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet...

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

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So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages...

For example, in Asia cats make a sizzling noise...

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

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