The 117+ Best Accord Jokes

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I saw two guys having a fight on the train. So, being a bouncer, I dealt with the situation accordingly.

I just stood there looking like a cunt.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

According to theology, if you commit 90 sins, you’ll only get caught half the time.

Because ….sin90 = cot45

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But I refused.

If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

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According to the old testament, homosexuality is fine as long as you're high.

Because it states that a man who lays with another man should be stoned.

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.

My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.

A man tried to sell ...

According to all the laws of aviation, it should be impossible for a bee to fly.

This is because no bee has filed a permit with the FAA.

3 men are in line to get into heaven

St. Peter is waiting at the gates of heaven and calls the first man up.

Peter says, "You never cheated on your wife! I'm going to let you drive around heaven in a Ferrari!"

So he gets in the car and drives off through the gates.

Peter then called 2nd man up. Peter says, "Oh no, ...

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

According to ATP rules whoever gets to the tennis match earlier gets the ball

First come, first serve

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

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According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

According to some historians, Julius Caesar was very religious.

In the very end, he died a holy man.

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

My Honda Accord was rear-ended by a truck.

Now it’s a Honda Accordion.

Stuck on a crossword.. “according to the saying, these should be seen but not heard” 8 letters, starts with a C.

I got it, Coldplay.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

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According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...

They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

According to my dream journal, Scarlett Johansson has made 6 appearances this year.

But it might be 7, because some pages are stuck together.

A top Honda executive was told to resign or be fired amidst a scandal

After much consideration, she decided to leave by her own Accord.

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

According to scientists,

Infertility is hereditary. So, if your parents didn't have kids, then neither will you.

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I just saw a couple having sex on their Accord

It's really something you Odyssey for yourself.

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border.

The only issue is that they’re buried six feet deep.

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

According to my wife's diary,

I have boundary issues.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year...

Male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, every single one of them, from Rud...

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Fun Fact- Dogs make different noises according to where they are on Earth.

For example, a dog in Korea makes a sizzling noise.

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

Best YO MAMA JOKE ACCORDING TO ME

yo mama is so stupid that she went for an archery contest and aimed for the ground and missed

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

Me: “According to Waze, someone got decapitated on the interstate”

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

According to Science

Alcohol is a solution.

I didn't get too worked up over Trumps decision on the climate accord...

the whole thing was rather anti-climatic.

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

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Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

which spice, according to jamaicans, is definitely going to hell?

the cinnamon!

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long

Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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According to the journal Nature ...

researchers at Kyoto University
in Japan have a chimpanzee that can remember the correct
sequence of five random numbers and performed about as well as
an average preschool child. [Unfortunately, now they have to
keep her separated from the rest of the chimps. She took all of
the...

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

BREAKING: According to the 2020 Census...

...there are 0 Amish remaining in the entire U.S.

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According to a recent study, women with large breasts have greater success in corporate world than

Men with large breasts.

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According to the vet, our dog is addicted to masturbation.

I hope it doesn't rub off on our children.

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",

But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

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So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

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It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

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Actual joke told during WW II according to comedian & historian David Schneider

A Jew is walking along a farm road and Hitler comes along driving a car. He sees the Jew and points a gun at him, ordering him to eat some cow shit in the field. So the Jew gets down on all fours and eats the cow shit. Hitler laughs so hard he drops the gun. The Jew grabs the gun and points it a...

According to some people, the US having a black president was

an Obama-nation.

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A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

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