UPJOKE
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I was born male, I identify as male, but according to Sainsbury's Deluxe Sticky Toffee Pudding....

I'm a family of four.

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According to ancient Japanese lore, a person’s aura takes a particular colour right before they die.

Cyan Aura.

A wealthy politician released her tax returns for the public to view, according to custom.

The politician had a neighbor who was in charge of a charity that was struggling for funds. After seeing the politician’s tax returns, he saw a golden opportunity, and immediately went over and knocked on the politician’s door.

“All right, I can see from your tax returns that you make $500,00...

According to some historians, Julius Caesar was very religious.

In the very end, he died a holy man.

According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...

They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is her eyes.

Women say the first thing they notice about men is that they're a bunch of liars.

So according to Will Smith's actions...

You can ask Jada for head, but you can't talk about her head.

According to my research, only 12% of people at the gym actually go to work out

The other 88% are there to demand I stop my filming

Stuck on a crossword.. “according to the saying, these should be seen but not heard” 8 letters, starts with a C.

I got it, Coldplay.

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form contains only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?



2. What were your expenses?



3. How much have you left?



4. Send it in.

According to my dream journal, Scarlett Johansson has made 6 appearances this year.

But it might be 7, because some pages are stuck together.

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According to a recent survey of Chefs, about 82% of them are part of the LGBT community.

Interestingly most of them were pansexual

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go ...

According to scientists,

Infertility is hereditary. So, if your parents didn't have kids, then neither will you.

A man went to his doctor

After several tests, the doctor returned to the exam room and told him "I'm terribly sorry sir but according to our tests you have barely a year left to live."

"That's horrible!" said the man. "Is there nothing I can do?!"


The doctor replied "Well, my advice is to become a vegan...

According to my calculations, about 40% of Americans are Republicans

But that’s just a Conservative estimate

I got banned from the local swimming pool today

They banned me for "peeing in the pool".

I tried defending myself by saying *everybody* pees in the pool, but according to them no one does it from the diving board

A Confucianist, a Daoist and a Legalist walk into a bar...

and order a beer each. The Confucisanist smiles pleasantly at the beer and waits for it to reach his mouth of its own accord, the Daoist ignores his beer and the Legalist drinks all three beers shoots the Confusicanist.

This one was told to me by my Chinese History Prof years ago.

A husband and wife are sitting together at breakfast...

The husband is reading a paper and says "Look honey, according to this article, it's impossible to be happy and sad about the same thing." She thinks for a second and says "Oh yeah? Between you and all your brothers, you're "the biggest.""

According to finnish sources there are tens of thousands of Russian soldiers at their border.

The only issue is that they’re buried six feet deep.

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah “We can’t multiply, we’re adders.”

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and ...

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

According to state media, one of the Chinese Olympic torchbearers is part Uighur.

I believe they gave him a spleen or a kidney.

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

Whenever someone asks me what kind of car do I drive, I tell them,

"I drive the car that Jesus drove." This usually gets confused looks and once and a while, an nuh-uh. I tell them I'm serious. "In the bible, Jesus says, I do not speak of my own Accord."

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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A man goes to visit a divorce attorney.

"There's just no saving this marriage," the man says, "so I want to make a clean break."

The attorney sighs and consults his notes. "Well, sir, your cited grounds don't make you look good. According to you, your husband is quite the philanthropist... but you're mad that he's distributing clas...

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

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The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.

But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.

It used to be embar...

64% of the people are bad at math, according to a recent statistic

Lucky me, I belong to the other 46%

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

According to Wikipedia, the open-source online encyclopedia, India is the world’s largest producer of spices.

But then again, you should always take stats from the internet with a pinch of salt.

Should you get a Nissan or a Honda?

Altima-tely I'll leave it to your own Accord

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(nsfw) according to research, 3 of 10 men enjoy blowjob for its wet sensation

the rest of them just want to have quite time

My Honda Accord was rear-ended by a truck.

Now it’s a Honda Accordion.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

My wife left me because, according to her, I talk about herbs and spices too much.

Oh well.... It was probably thyme.

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!

Th...

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

Did you know that according to 911...

Choking on a handful of gummies does not constitute a "bear attack."

Me: “According to Waze, someone got decapitated on the interstate”

Wife: “What? Seriously?”

Me: “Yeah, apparently police reported ahead”

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I just saw a couple having sex on their Accord

It's really something you Odyssey for yourself.

Best YO MAMA JOKE ACCORDING TO ME

yo mama is so stupid that she went for an archery contest and aimed for the ground and missed

Apparently, when you drink a pint of Beer

You shorten your lifespan by 9 minutes. So according to my calculations, i died sometime in 1644.

I've been told by people I light up a room

According to police it's called arson and those people are "witnesses"

According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

British joke

According to legend if at midnight you look in a mirror and say the words "workers rights" 3 times Liz Truss appears and takes them away

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

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According to a news report...

a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little li...

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

The world funniest joke according to science

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

A man takes his service dog to the stripclub

The bouncer stops him at the door and says “We don’t normally allow animals in here, but according to the government, I can only ask what special task your dog has been trained to do, not what your disability is. So, what’s he do?”

“He takes the money to the dancer and puts it in her g-string...

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic

I refused. If I'm going to have sex, its going to be on my own Accord

a man walks into a supermarket

He grabs a bag of dog food, and brings it to the checkout. The cashier says: "sorry, according to store policy you need to bring your pet with you if you want to buy food" The man, who doesn't have his dog with him walks away angrily.

The next day he comes back and takes a bag of cat food, o...

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

According to my girlfriend I'm part of generation D.

"You are such a D-gen-erate!" she said

After years of saving, John was able to finally afford a nice car. When he drove by, it would turn all the heads in town, but he would never acknowledge it.

For I do not speak of my own accord - John 12:49

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

Wife taking a trip

Man 1: “So my wife is taking a trip to the West Indies”

Man 2: oh that sounds lovely. Jamaica?”

Man 1: “no she went of her own accord”

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

I just found out that my girlfriend is mad at me

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

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Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

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According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

Did you hear Elmer Fudd opened a distillery?

According to him, it's a whiskey business.

According to Science

Alcohol is a solution.

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

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According to the journal Nature ...

researchers at Kyoto University
in Japan have a chimpanzee that can remember the correct
sequence of five random numbers and performed about as well as
an average preschool child. [Unfortunately, now they have to
keep her separated from the rest of the chimps. She took all of
the...

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

The story of Arthur Nelson

Arthur Nelson is one of the least known pioneers of professional wrestling. He invented many of the submission holds that we still see today, and two of them bear his name: the half Nelson and the full Nelson. According to numerous sources, he also created many of the variations of the chokehold....

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

During a survey three people of various professions - a mathematician, a sociologist and an accountant - were asked "How much is 2+2?"

The mathematician answered "Four".

The sociologist answered "Assuming that we want the answer that is in accordance with the Western social norms, four."

The accountant asked "And how much do you want it to be?"

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

I was talking to a friend when he said 'My wife's just gone to the West Indies' I asked 'Jamaica?'

'No, she went of her own accord' he replied

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

Honda has the least pushy dealerships

You can always leave with your own Accord

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

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According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

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The widow of the old rabbi must remarry...

The rabbi of a small village dies, and after some time the congregation decides that the widow should remarry.

Given the size of the village, there is only one possible candidate: "the butcher".

Although not very excited because she was used to living with an intellectual, the widow ac...

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

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