According to J.D. Power, Ford is one of the most reliable brands.

75% of Fords are still on the road. The other 25% made it home.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

"I really don't know which kid I'm supposedly being unfair to, according to my wife,

Thomas, Anton, or the fat, ugly one?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

According to my Asian dad their are 2 types of people

Those who get A+ on everything and failures

The world funniest joke according to science

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes have rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?...

According to the Chinese Zodiac, 2020 was the Year of the Rat

So we've been spending the entire year holed up, only briefly leaving to get food, running at the sight of other humans, and transmitting infection.

I was born male and I identify as male, yet...

... according to Tesco's Finest Sticky Toffee Pudding, I'm a family of four!

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.

Cyan-aura.

My Honda Accord was rear-ended by a truck.

Now it’s a Honda Accordion.

According to my girlfriend I'm part of generation D.

"You are such a D-gen-erate!" she said

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

Walstreet is gonna lose $70 billion this Friday according to AP news. How much did it cost redditors?

tree fiddy

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"

"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.

"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."

When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor bo...

How do you tie two Hondas together?

...with Accord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(According to her dad) What did the woman say when she lost her virginity?

Hi men!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv...

... reading newspapers. One is reading a reputed newspaper published in Tel Aviv, but the other is reading an anti-Semitic propaganda paper published by Iranian subverts.

The first guy asks the second: "why in God's name are you reading that anti-Semitic rag?"

The second guy responded...

My friend once had a job circumcising elephants

Well according to him the pay was lousy but at least the tips were huge!

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

According to Simon and Garfunkel, we should blame Rosie for Covid-19

She was the queen of Corona

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horse has been stolen from old farmer Sven, so Sherlock Holmes was called to the scene to investigate the crime.

The horse was black with white big spots on it according to farmer Sven. Holmes searched for clues together with his trustworthy friend and assistant, Dr. Watson, and found a vague trail of horse cloves and a persons shoes going away towards a strangers stable.

Holmes knocks on the door to t...

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a couple having sex on their Accord

It's really something you Odyssey for yourself.

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams. On the Sur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A well-dressed man, complete with top hat and monocle, walks into a bar.

The bartender, who has seen it all, pours the dapper gentleman two fingers of their top-shelf 25-year-old scotch. Just as the man begins nursing the peaty, smoky booze, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister all walk into the bar, arguing about how to prove the existence of their respective Gods.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the new Nazi documents that have been uncovered?

They were conducting experiments involving mixing the DNA of electric eels, dogs, and captured British soldiers.

According to the plans they were quite eel-lab-brit.

Ps: sorry...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a fish

One day, a fish was swimming down a lake when he spotted a fly...
“Boy, I wish that fly would fly just a little lower so I could eat it” thought the fish.
Little did the fish know though, that there was a bear waiting nearby...
“Oh boy, if that fly would go just a little lower, the fish wou...

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

I'm in trouble with my girlfriend.

According to her diary, I have "boundary issues".

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

According to Hesiod version, Orion was likely the son of the sea-god Poseidon and Euryale.

Orion could walk on the waves because of his father; he walked to the island of Chios where he got drunk and attacked Merope, daughter of Oenopion, the ruler there. In vengeance, Oenopion blinded Orion and drove him away. Orion stumbled to Lemnos where Hephaestus—the smith-god—had his forge. Hephaes...

A husband and wife were relaxing at home when all of a sudden it started to snow...

Their show was interrupted by a news broadcast instructing everyone to park on the west side of the street to allow the snow plows to run.
The woman jumps up and grabs her keys to move her car immediately.
The next night the snow is still unrelenting and the broadcast instructs everyone to p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

A Catholic Priest, a Buddhist Monk, and an atheist walk into a bar.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The priest says, "I try to live my life according to God's word, so that I may go to the good Lor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My son asked me to help with his homework the other day.

The question he was stuck on was, "Give two ways to prevent pregnancy.”

After telling him what to write | was confident he would be getting top marks.

According to his teacher though, "fucking her up the shitter," and "blowing your load all over her tits," were both wrong answers.

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

According to actual laws of physics, you do NOT need a parachute to go skydiving.

However, you do need one to go skydiving twice.

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a recent study, women with large breasts have greater success in corporate world than

Men with large breasts.

The brain is the most important organ in your body

\- *According to the brain*

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

They say you can predict the next president based off bumper stickers.

According to my research the president should have been that one honor student.

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

Why are there no Hondas in the bible?

Because Jesus never spoke of his own Accord.

BREAKING: According to the 2020 Census...

...there are 0 Amish remaining in the entire U.S.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Told to me by an immigrant friend who was a Drill Sargent in the Russian army in the '80s

A Sargent and a Private are walking across a Soviet army base when they approach a General coming the other way. The enlisted men salute and the Sargent calls out:

"Sir, your top shirt button is unbuttoned!" (A serious faux pas, according to my friend).

The General is in no mood for it...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

Cleveland Browns fan to Donald Trump: According to your definition of what winning looks like

We are World Champions several times over!

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to Science,

Alcohol is a solution

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

According to a new study, someone in London gets stabbed every minute...

Poor dude.

A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza

CALLER: Is this #PizzaHut?

GOOGLE:No sir, it's Google Pizza

CALLER: Sorry, I have Dailed wrong number

GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:Ok, I would like to order a pizza

GOOGLE:Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER: My usual? You know ...

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Wife took a DNA test for her kid

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you.

Husband: What's up?

Wife: According to DNA t...

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

Woman gets test results for her husband from the doctor

Doctor: Well, ma'am, your husband can live a long and healthy life, but we have to observe a strict regimen for him, or he won't. First, no agitation. His heart doesn't take that well, so you have to speak quietly and softly to him, don't require him to make any hasty moves, don't wake him rudely an...

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the ne...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.

The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a couple who were very, very dumb.

They used to listen to everything said to them without thinking any deeper.

After about a year after their marriage, a beautiful baby boy was born to them. They decided to baptize him and name him according to a very popular astrologer's idea. So they took him to the astrologer's sanctum
<...

Best Joke of a previous year according to multiple sources.

2 Hunters are out one day, they are about to shoot a buck. Suddenly, one of the Hunters clutches his hands to his chest, and falls to the ground. The other hunter, in shock calls 911. The operator begins:

"9-1-1, whats your emergency?"

The hunter nervously says, "My friend is on the g...

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

A small town near Russia and Poland

There was a small town located along the frontier between Russia and Poland; no one was ever quite sure to which it belonged. One day an official treaty was signed and not long after, surveyors arrived to draw a border. Some villagers approached them where they had set up their equipment on a nearby...

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages...

For example, in Asia cats make a sizzling noise...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

Here's the best one I know. It's a bit long...but I have faith in you ;)

A doctor, a lawyer,and an engineer are sentenced to death. Why is not important to the story...what's important is that the death sentence will be carried out in France - via guillotine.

The doctor is first. The executioner straps him down, hoists the glittering blade aloft, and lets it drop....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know how to title this but according to higher-ups, this should be labelled as a repost so yeah. Enjoy

A guy walks over to his neighbour and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the guy asks her "Do you have a vagina?" The woman looks at him in disgust and slams the door on him.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guy walks over to his neighbour, knocks on the door and when s...

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.

It all happened after one guy changed his password.”

.

- Credit: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (a rare actually good joke by Fallon I heard while my mom was watching)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

I didn't get too worked up over Trumps decision on the climate accord...

the whole thing was rather anti-climatic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

A woman on a farm is getting breakfast ready for her family.

As she works at the counter, she notices her son out in the yard bullying several of the animals. When he comes in for breakfast she sets a bowl if dry cereal and a glass of water in front of him.

"What gives mom?"

"Well son, I watched you picking on the animals, so I'm punishing you a...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.