According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

According to my chocolate advent calender...

Theres only 3 days to Christmas.

My Honda Accord was rear-ended by a truck.

Now it’s a Honda Accordion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes changes right before they die.

Cyan-aura.

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(According to her dad) What did the woman say when she lost her virginity?

Hi men!

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According to the journal Nature ...

researchers at Kyoto University
in Japan have a chimpanzee that can remember the correct
sequence of five random numbers and performed about as well as
an average preschool child. [Unfortunately, now they have to
keep her separated from the rest of the chimps. She took all of
the...

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.

This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

According to Seal Team 6, Bin Laden wasn’t as bad as everyone thought

They said he became “open-minded”once they got involved

According to Catholicism, what is the longest name a woman can have?

Gloria, with 17 syllables.

According to Mayan legend, the earth would come to an end in the year 2012.

2021\*

I was recently on a charter flight with my hockey team where they seated you according to what position you play.

Damn near froze to death on left wing.

According to statistics, 80% of all fatal plane crashes happen in the first 3 or last 8 minutes of the flight.

But according to even more precise statistics, 100% of all fatal plane crashes happen within the last 0.1 seconds of the fight.

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According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

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A priest, an atheist, and a monk walk into a bar.

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk, and an atheist walk into a restaurant.

After they put in their orders, the three strike up a conversation about what they believe awaits them in the afterlife.

The pries...

Germanys funniest joke according to research

A man comes to the fortune teller and sits in front of the crystal ball. "I see you have two children," says the fortune teller.

"YOU believe that!" He replies. "I am a father of three."

The fortune teller smiles and answers: "YOU believe that!"

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According to the news, someone from London gets stabbed every 30 seconds

Poor bastard

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My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic…

But I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

he priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poo...

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According to a research 90 percent of men date with three women at the same time.

But i have only one. Which of you bitches stole my women?

How do you tie two Hondas together?

...with Accord

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,"I need you to come over and help me with this jigsaw puzzle..."

Her boyfriend asks,"What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says"According to the picture on the box it's supposed to be a rooster."So her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. When she lets him in she takes him to the table where she has all the pieces sprea...

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I just saw a couple having sex on their Accord

It's really something you Odyssey for yourself.

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

According to my wife, I'm a terrible dad for not treating my kids equally.

I just don't understand it. I love James, Nicole and the fat, ugly one all the same.

Funkiest joke in the world according to my 8 yr old son.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

Europe

Europe who?

No. YOU’RE A POO!

A woman on a farm is getting breakfast ready for her family.

As she works at the counter, she notices her son out in the yard bullying several of the animals. When he comes in for breakfast she sets a bowl if dry cereal and a glass of water in front of him.

"What gives mom?"

"Well son, I watched you picking on the animals, so I'm punishing you a...

Three men died and went to heaven

Three men died and went to heaven. Where it has been decreed that each person gets a vehicle according to their deeds.
The first man arrives and god asks "How long were you married for?"
"20 Years" said the first man
"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?" God asked
"Uhh... 5 ti...

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Snatch eating frog

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She reads the sign on the box, and it says: “Snatch Eating Frogs... $20 each (comes with instructions).”

She looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and ...

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guy goes to the doctor ..

a guy goes to teh doctor .

doc says " well what seems to be the problem?"



guy says " its my elbow doc , its killing me !"



doc says " well a normal visit would have a $50 co-pay , but we have a new machine that can diagnose you just by peeing in a cup and the co-p...

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

Apparently, drinking a pint of beer shortens your lifespan by nine minutes.

According to my calculations I died some time in 1829.

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What's the difference between heaven according to Islam and 60 engineering students?

12 virgins

My ex left me because, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later, I have one thing to say to her.

Lucky guess.

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According to Sigmund Freud, sexual imagery pops up in the vast majority of art,

But this theory has been proven to be a phallusy.

Me: According to the World Health Organization...

My dad: WHO?

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According to google, to be a grower you must be 1.5 inches longer when erect than flaccid

I still don’t know if I’m a grower though as my dick is never that long


Sorry if this sucks, I can’t deliver jokes, if you think it needs improvement leave revisions in comments

If you want to read the Gospel according to Shrek, open your Bible to Psalm–

–BODY ONCE TOLD ME…

According to his biography, Bob Marley's two favourite interests were fashion and comedy.

Or, as he called them, Get Up and Stand Up.

A jewish grandmother

A jewish grandmother is at the beach with her 10 years old jewish grandson. She's chilling while he's playing in the water.

Suddenly, a huge wave comes and takes the kid away with it. The grandmother is obviously in tears and starts speaking to God.

"It's been more than 70 years since ...

BREAKING: According to the 2020 Census...

...there are 0 Amish remaining in the entire U.S.

Cleveland Browns fan to Donald Trump: According to your definition of what winning looks like

We are World Champions several times over!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternate Universe

According to scientists there are an infinite number of alternate universes.
When I'm down I like to think about the opposite me in the opposite universe. He's handsome, rich, and successful. I feel better when I think about him and how small his penis must be.

My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink and no one listened.

He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.

*Thanks for my first gold kind stranger! But please consider donating to your local food bank or another worthy cause instead of rewarding this stupid joke that was (according to sources) reposted.

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

Evidently, I have “boundary issues”

according to my neighbors journal.

I totally believe that there is a man we can not see, watching us from the sky, passing judgment on our actions, and that there are people who live and die according to a plan of his.

But enough about the NSA.

According to a survey, one in three people cheat on their partners

Now I need to figure out if it is my wife or my girlfriend

The DNA Test

After 3 years, a wife starts to think that their child looks different, so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: "Honey, I have something very serious to tell you."

Husband: "What's wrong?"

Wife: "A...

According to women, men dont have feelings

But that's just not true at all, we sometimes feel hungry and thirsty.

A homeless guy is on the road...

A homeless guy is on the road, thinking how he is going to die if doesn't get shelter soon.

He saves a lot of money he got from begging to buy a specific thing, according to him, is going to help him survive.

Finally, he buys a blue cake with lines, and shows it to anybody who came clo...

According to a recent survey of priests

Only 50% find altar boys who sing in the alto range interesting.

Not surprisingly, the other half finds them to be an a-choired taste.

Did you know that Jesus had a Honda, but never talked about it?

“For I did not speak of my own accord”
-John 12:49a

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The difference between "guts" and "balls" according to the British military.

There is a medical distinction between “Guts” and “Balls”, according to the British military. We've heard colleagues referring to people with “Guts”, or with “Balls”.

Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here’s the official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal...

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

According to Science,

Alcohol is a solution

According to a recent poll 9 out of 10 people have never had Steak Tartare.

Apparently it's very rare.

I went to the gym on my own accord this morning.

I mean why would I take some one else's car?

According to statistics, the highest suicide rate is found near piers.

I think it’s because of pier pressure.

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons...

A wealthy rabbi has passed away. According to the will, his estate was to be divvied up among his three sons - under one condition: after the funeral, each son was to put a 100 dollars in their father's grave as a sign of respect.

The eldest son went first. He took a $100 note from his wallet...

According to recent scientific studies it's possible that all marine life will be extinct by the year 2050.

Which is going to make it really difficult to comfort someone who is going through a relationship break-up.

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the ne...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous in...

What do you get when you wreck a Honda Accord into a Saturn Ion?

An Accordion.

...I'll, uh, see myself out.

I always thought I was average,

But according to math I'm just mean.

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Nobody panics when things go "according to plan".....

If women remove polish with chemicals, nobody panics, because it is all "part of the plan",





But when Hitler removed Polish with chemicals, well then EVERYBODY LOSES THEIR MIND!!!

Arabic (Yemeni) joke. Don’t mind the translation if it’s not accurate

A Yemeni man traveled to Nigeria for work. On the first day he saw a funeral. The men were carrying the body on their heads. On the second day he saw a second funeral. This time they were carrying the body by their fingers, so he asked them why they do this.

They told him we carry the dead a...

According to FBI, the number of serial killers is decreasing every year.

Thanks to those damn lazy millennials who can't commit to a single thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't know how to title this but according to higher-ups, this should be labelled as a repost so yeah. Enjoy

A guy walks over to his neighbour and knocks on the door. A woman answers the door and the guy asks her "Do you have a vagina?" The woman looks at him in disgust and slams the door on him.

The next day, the same thing happens. The guy walks over to his neighbour, knocks on the door and when s...

According to...

According to this box of Mac and Cheese

I'm a family of 4

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Predators

According to recent research and common sense, humans are sexual by nature.

Humans are also on top of every food chain, and are considered predators.

So it is reasonable to believe that humans are sexual predators. The only difference is that I'm registered.

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

According to Einstein's Theory of General Relativity...

Everyone is attracted to you. At least a little bit.

In the bible, Jesus says "for I do not speak of my own accord." I guess he drove a honda but just didn't like to talk about it

I always thought he drove a christler

Some guy tried selling me his '97 Honda for $30,000

Needless to say, I left him to his own Accord

“According to a new report, Netflix is losing subscribers and 130,000 people have stopped watching.

It all happened after one guy changed his password.”

.

- Credit: Jimmy Fallon on The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (a rare actually good joke by Fallon I heard while my mom was watching)

Temel enters a multi-choice mafriculation exam.

Temel enters a multi-choice matriculation exam. He flips a coin for each question and picks the choices accordingly. An hour into the exam – when all the students have given in their papers and he’s the only one left in the room, the invigilator sees that he’s still flipping coins; and tells him the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my new fitness smart watch

I’ve masturbated for 4 miles already today.

According to my bank account I have enough money to last me the rest of my life.

Assuming I die on Thursday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cockney men were talking...

The first one says "So my wife sailed to the West Indies last year". The other one asks "Jamaica?". The first man answers "No, she went on her own accord".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's strange to see Christians advocating abstinence only sex education...

According to their own religion, even abstinence isn't 100% effective.

According to commercials, women are like Picasso.

They have a blue period.

A time traveler arrives in the year 2069 and decides to check in with Reddit to see if it's still around.

To his surprise it is. So he heads to /r/jokes to see what has developed in the world of humor.

To his surprise, each post consisted of just a number. Scrolling through, he saw that each vote had a hundreds of upvotes while 3527 had thousands and several awards to boot.

Puzzled, he ...

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Pete...

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

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According to the Southern Baptist Convention... couples are forbidden to have sex while standing up.

They're afraid it might lead to dancing.

According to physics, light travels faster sound...

... If that's really the case though, why can I hear the car behind me honk before I see the traffic lights change?

(Long) Did you hit your wife?

So I have heard you hit your wife, is that true?

**Before I marry her she was hungery and poor all the time. She now livea a much better life**

I was asking if you hit her.

**The whole community acknowdges the improvement of our household**

I didn’t ask that, I was asking...

According to experts, I've heard that marijuana can stop seizures...

And now, according to the CDC, romaine lettuce can stop Caesar's.

70% of dishes are under-seasoned, according to a recent survey by the seasoning manufacturers' association. Obviously, this is biased.

Take it with a grain of salt.

A king was growing jealous of his new born

Ever since his son was born, the king felt like everyone was paying more attention to his son than him. As days passed he was starting to get more and more jealous of his son for getting all the love and was starting to feel a pain growing in him knowing that he wasn't the center of the attention an...

How the Internet started according to the bible.

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto...

According to Wikipedia, whales play a crucial role in the fragile ocean ecosystem

[cetacean needed]

According to National Geographic, 80% of US adults could not find Ukraine on an unmarked map.

They're really ahead of their time.

Funniest joke of all time...according to Wikipedia...thought I share.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he'...

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

According to the movies, people get in knife fights all the time. But seriously...

But seriously, I can count on the fingers left on one hand the number of times I've been in a knife fight.

I didn't get too worked up over Trumps decision on the climate accord...

the whole thing was rather anti-climatic.

If Jesus drove a car, what kind would it be?

A CHRYSLER! He also had a Honda, but never told anybody for he does not speak of his own Accord.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my wife - vacation sex is the best sex ever.....

....that was a tough postcard to read!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Everyone is worried Trump will pull us out of The Paris Accord...

But Trump doesn't know how to pull out, that is why he has 10 kids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer:"What is the first thing that you do in the morning which,according to you,has made you so successful?"

Famous person:"The snooze button"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So according to some people men think about sex 24/7

Well, today's the day so start thinking

A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog

He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk to which the bartender agrees.


The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?”


“Roof!” says the dog.


Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again. ...

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

According to 'The Hobbit', Gollum was once a normal man.

The biggest mistake he made was putting on that ring, which drained him of his youth, vitality, and energy.

I got one of those when I was married.

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Thesaurus' crashed on the highway last Thursday.

According to the Daily news, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, surprised, dumbfounded, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, horrified, numbed, and perplexed that items falling off ...

Studies have shown that if presented with song lyrics, the human mind will produce the melody and have it in the background. According to the researchers,

your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know.

According to vegans, eating meat is a misteak

Especially in a PETA

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

An old man was tired of reading about local muggings of seniors in his neighbourhood. (Long)

Determined to not sit back and see the crime wave continue any longer, he decided to take action.

The old fellow learned that according to victim statements and witnesses, the perpetrator was a fairly large woman who walked up to frail seniors and demanded money under threat.

Knowing...

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different languages.

For example, in Korea a dog makes a sizzling noise.

An electrician tells the engineer, “I wired everything exactly according to the drawing and I flip the switch and there’s no current.”

“Yes, I see the problem,” The engineer responds. “We just can’t draw any current.”

A priest, a fisherman, and an engineer were sentenced to death by guillotine.

The executioner told the priest he could say/do one more thing before he was executed. So the priest prays to God to spare his life. So as the priest was being executed, the guillotine got stuck. Now according to the law, if the guillotine fails to kill the person, they are set free.So, the priest w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

According to some people, the US having a black president was

an Obama-nation.

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