My wife said we each needed to make sacrifices to make our relationship work.

She was less than impressed with the dead goat I left in our kitchen.

"I accept your sacrifice."

Good news, if your name is Cain.

Bad news, if your name is Abraham.

Tremendous news, if your name is Mikhail Tal.

I read a novel about a cult that sacrifices books

It was a real page-burner

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Pretty ironic they used to sacrifice virgins to call down rain

Considering they're known for having the longest dry spells.

Hey, is the cult still going to sacrifice a divorcee to the volcano?

No, they'll give it a miss.

In order to make a relationship work, you have to make a lot of sacrifices...

Which is why I keep a large number of goats in my garden...

When Jesus died, that was God's sacrifice for the world..

But when I kill my son it's just murder?

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

What would south korea do if the devil asked them for a sacrifice?

They would give him their seoul.

If you had to sacrifice

One state to Corona virus, which state would it be? And why California?

A man falls asleep at church.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the
local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my
husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very
embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you.
I...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

4 blondes were hiking in a forest.

4 blondes were hiking in a forest when they were caught by the forest tribe.

All of them were brought before the chief. The chief looked at them and said “All of you will be sacrificed to appease our goddess who will then bless us with rain.”

The 4 blondes started crying loudly and ple...

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I'm sick & tired of hearing these Olympic athletes say how much work they've put in & the sacrifices they've made...

What do they want, a fucking medal?

Kids nowadays just don't appreciate the sacrifice you make for their birthday.

She just screamed when I cut the goat's throat.

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

Boss: ok everyone we have to make a sacrifice to meet the deadline and put all hands on deck

5 minutes later *boss is on vacation*

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane.

The engine dies and they know they're screwed.
Looking around the cabin they find only two parachutes.

The Englishman says "I'm the richest so I should get one of them. My money can do the most for the world"

The scotsman says "my families the biggest so I should get one, there'd be...

Why did God ask Abraham to sacrifice his son at age 12?

If he waited a few more years it wouldn't be a sacrifice.

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A virgin is trapped in the woods on a deserted island

A virgin is trapped in the woods on an island which appears to be deserted. However, once he sets up camp, some indigenous people tie him up and capture him.

The man is pretty ugly, so the tribe decides he is probably a virgin. The leader proclaims, "It is as prophesied: the gods have brought...

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This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

"I've made a lot of sacrifices to get to where I am today,"

said the Aztec high priest.

My wife is a deeply religious cook...

Everything she makes is either a burnt offering or a sacrifice.

Today my mentor told me if I want to achieve great things I'd have to make sacrifices.

Anyone know where to buy live chickens for cheap?

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All the organs of a human body are having a meeting

The brain begins his announcement: “As you know, our body has been experiencing nutrient shortages over the past few years. We can’t keep it up like that. I am afraid we will have to terminate one of...”

The dick stands up and interrupts him: “Hey, I know! I know what to do! Let’s get rid of ...

I went to see a stage performer that does live sacrifices of celebrities during his act

I gave him 5 stars.

A guy was asked this question.

Host: YOU & YOUR FAMILY ARE CARRYING 50 KG OF GOLD FROM DUBAI IN A BOAT. IMBALANCED DUE TO EXCESS WEIGHT YOU HAVE TO GET RID OF THE WEIGHT TO BALANCE IT

AFTER 50 MILES, THE BOAT SUDDENLY GETS

THERE ARE 4 PEOPLE..

YOUR BEST FRIEND, YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FUTURE LIFE PARTNER & ...

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Ladies. If your man is giving you both the moon and stars

You should be willing to sacrifice uranus

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A Greek man refused to worship the gods.

Zeus, being farely pissed, took away the man's sight. "Go to the temple, make a sacrifice to me and you will see again," he said. But the man merely laughed.

Athena, hearing about this, travelled to Earth and took away his taste. "If you ever want to taste a well-cooked meal again", she said,...

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New bordello opened

New bordello opened. They will make every sexual wish come true, but if client can't pay, they will ask a butcher from neighboring meat shop to cut part of your body.

So, one day came russian oligarch. He fucked everyone in the bordello. Female prostitutes, male prostitutes, barman, barmaid a...

This Egyptian bird was giving me trouble...

...talking about life and death and the afterlife, threatening me and demanding sacrifices.

When I'd had enough I yelled: "Begone, Thoth!"

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Wealthy marriage facing economical pressure

They have decided to start saving up money



"Well honey, as you can see, we're getting through serious money trouble, so we need to do sacrifices" the man told her "I was thinking that you might start to learn to do the laundry so we can fire the laundry man"



And her wif...

Australia's smartest man

An airplane was about to crash..

There were five passengers on board, but only four parachutes.

The first passenger said, “I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can’t afford to die.”

So he took the first parachute and left the plane.

The second pas...

I fell in love with an amazing man

When he proposed I decided to make a huge sacrifice: I gave up on my favourite food, beans.

A few months later, on my birthday, my car broke down. Called him to let him know I was coming later. Suddenly I smelled baked beans from a nearby restaurant and couldn't help myself. I figured I'd hav...

I adopted a goat the other day, but my mom said I'd have to get rid of it...

I guess as long as I live with my parents, I'll have to make sacrifices.

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I went for a Chinese last night and got chatting to the waiter.

He told me he lived in Japan during the war and was a Kamikaze pilot and his Code Name was 'Chow Mein'. I said "correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Kamikaze pilots sacrifice their own lives?"

To which he replied, "Yes but I was Chicken Chow Mein."....

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle

He asks Ryan first

\- What is America, you?

\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.

\- What would you do for her?

\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.

Pleased, he asks Forrest

\- And you, do you love America, soldier?

\- Yes, but ...

Story with a moral

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out t...

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The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked...

The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the
entire length looking for a seat.

There seemed to be one
next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there,
he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.

The war-weary
Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have tha...

A bus full of cheerleaders went off a cliff

Miraculously, all twenty of them managed to grab onto the same branch sticking out of the cliffside. There were nineteen beautiful blondes and one brunette. The brunette saw the branch was starting to break, so she made a decision.

"Listen ladies," she said. "As skinny as we are, this branch ...

My ex said that relationships were about sacrifice.

But she still screamed when she saw the bloody goat on the altar.

How do you get rid of a republican?

You tell him that economy is suffering and he should sacrifice himself.

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

A pilot, a boy, a rich businessman, and an old man are on a little plane.

Suddenly the plane has an engine failure, and the pilot says:

“We have to jump, but there are only three parachutes on the plane, so you guys better decide who’s going to have to sacrifice themselves!”

Then he takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The business man says:

“I’m...

A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.

The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"

Willing to die...

A man and his wife are driving around

When suddenly another car crasher right on the passenger's seat.
The man then rushes his wife to the hospital where she is taken to the operating room for surgery.

8 hours pass and the man has been waiting outside worried for his wife, when the door opens and the doctor comes out exausted...

My last girlfriend left me at the altar...

I guess she just wasn't into animal sacrifice

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Roman Jews

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to
convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from
the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a
religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews
won, they could sta...

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Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise

Diplomats from every country in the world are on a cruise when suddenly the engine fails. The captain announces that three people must sacrifice their lives and jump off board to make sure the others can reach home safely.

After a long wait an honourable Japanese man jumps over , willing to ...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

2 Woman go drinking...

after a lot of drinks they decide to head home but on the way realise they have to use a bathroom but as its late there is no one to be found.
So both decided to head for the local cementary...as they had nothing to wipe, the first woman decides to sacrifice her panties.
The second one had...

Girls talking about how they want to be treated like goddesses...

But you sacrifice a couple bulls and all of a sudden you got restraining orders against you.

Jesus sacrificed his life for your sins…

Except he came back…

So, what did he really sacrifice?

His weekend?

Jesus sacrificed his weekend for your sins…

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John's face was burned in an accident

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn't reconstruct his face with John's own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed John's fa...

The Genie and the Demon

Three men are out walking in the woods one day, when they stumble upon an old bronze lamp. Naturally, having spent much of their lives reading internet jokes, their first inclination is to rub the lamp and excitedly greet the genie that emerges.

"You have freed me from my near-eternal captivi...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

My body is a temple.

It requires frequent animal sacrifice.

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

A Perilous Situation

A blonde and a redhead are hanging from a cliff by a rope. Things don't look good; the rope will surely snap from their combined weight. Unless one of them lets go, they'll both die. The redhead tells the blonde this. A tense silence falls over them. Finally, the redhead sighs.

"I never thoug...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.

But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed th...

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Barack Obama, the Pope, Hilary Clinton and a boy scout are on a plane...

The plane is about to crash when they realize there are only 3 parachutes.

The first passenger, President Obama said “I am the president of the United States, as much as it will haunt me for the rest of my life, I must insist I take a parachute. I have a great responsibility, being the leader...

Smartest Man in the World

An old priest, a boy scout, the President, Bill Gates and the smartest man in the world are traveling in an airplane together.

Without warning, the engines fail and the plane starts plummeting towards the earth. There is one problem: the plane is loaded with only 5 parachutes. Someone will h...

Some pig!

I'm new here so I apologize if someone else has shared this one before, but here goes.

A couple have their pastor over for dinner on Sunday. He christened their baby a few months before, so they wanted to thank him with a nice dinner.

As they're finishing up, a pig with three legs walk...

Two Russians with two Americans on a sleigh in Siberia

Two Russians and two Americans travel on a sleigh in Siberia.

Suddenly, a pack of wolves appear, getting closer to the sleigh.

First Russian stands up:

- For the sake of the good relationship of our countries, I'll sacrifice myself! - and he jumps off to be torn apart by the wol...

My wife cooks dinner for me. She treats me like a god....

....Everything is either burnt offerings or a bloody sacrifice.

10 blondes and a brunette were hanging on a rope on the side of a cliff

However the rope cannot carry all 11, so one person has to be sacrificed. The brunette volunteers to sacrifice herself and proceeds to make a long touching speech. After she finishes, all the blondes clap and let go of the rope.

There were five blondes and one brunette.

There were five blondes and one brunette holding onto a rope off the edge of a cliff.
But their rope could only bear the weight of of five people.
The brunette said, "Save yourselves. I'll let go."
Impressed by her sacrifice, all of the blondes clapped.

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

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A Japanese man, an American, an Englishman, and a Mexican are in a plane. The plane's about to crash.

The pilot says over the intercom "The plane is about to crash, but if we jettison the cargo, we may be able to get back up."

The cargo is jettisoned, but there is no significant effect.

The pilot then says "The plane can only support one man other than me and the copilot, so the three ...

A soldier, a pacifist and a band are on an airplane

Suddenly the plane starts falling from the sky.

The pilot shouts: "There's too much weight! Somebody has to jump!"

The soldier stands up and walks to the door: "It would be an honour to protect all of you."

He jumps.

The airplane keeps falling. Soon the pilot shouts again...

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At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

[Long] Veteran of Mexican war

Guy walks down the street of Texas when he sees a homeless guy with wooden leg. He immediately thinks: "Of course, some dirty homeless guy asking for money...".

Then he notices a written note in front of the homeless guy saying: "Veteran of Mexican war".

Guy remembers what was going ...

3 nuns are at the pearly gates...

St Peter greets them saying "Sisters of the faith! I have some bad news. Due to the current state of the world, there is a lineup to get into heaven. But since you devoted your lives to the Lord, I have a special surprise for you! You all get to go back to Earth until we can get you in past the gate...

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2 Irishmen,2 Scotsman and 2 Englishmen are hanging onto a tree branch for dear life

I apologize if its crap.

2 Irishmen,2 Scotsman and 2 Englishmen are hanging onto a tree branch for dear life, 50 feet above the ground. Suddenly, they hear the branch slowly cracking. One of the Irishmen says that it cant hold everyone's weight, two of them are going to have to let go. The tw...

A rich man needs a blood transfusion

A rich man goes to the doctor and the doctor says he needs a blood transfusion. So the rich man goes to work the next day and tells his Jewish employee & close friend the news. Since they have been very close friends for a long time, the Jewish guy offers him some of his own blood.

Right ...

The Lone Ranger is out checking out the countryside on Silver one day when he gets ambushed by an Indian war party...

He wakes up to find himself tied up in a tepee.

He looks around and sees the Indian chief and a bunch of others.

The chief says to him, "Lone Ranger! At last I have you! I am going to sacrifice you to the gods in three days at our festival. I am, however, a fair man, and I will grant...

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Have what it takes to become a Monk?

Thomas decieded to live his life in service to the Lord. So he went to the nearby monastery to join the Benedictine order of monks there. Thomas was welcomed by Brother John, who gave him a tour of the monastic life. Thomas was excited and eager to join.

Brother John laid out the conditions o...

One day a cowboy is riding in some tribal lands when he is captured by some natives...

He is thrown down on the ground before the chief, who looks at him with disgust and says, "These are our lands, for trespassing you must be sentenced to death. You can have one wish granted before we sacrifice you, what do you wish?"

The cowboy replies, "I'd like to speak with my horse."
<...

Jesus died for our sins.

*But he was only dead for 3 days* .
So what did he sacrifice?
*His weekend.*

**Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins**

An old Turkish joke

In a muslim village people were praying in a mosque when suddenly a man with a knife in his hand rushes in and says "i need a muslim man" People were looking at each other and an old man gets up and leaves with the man.

They go to his home and the man says "im going to sacrifice this sheep b...

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