For my cake day, a joke I made up as a kid: Why is Aquaman such a dedicated super hero?

Because he was born with a sense of porpoise.

Did you hear about the support group dedicated for people who talk too much?

It's called "On and On Anonymous."

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

Why'd they dedicate a traffic circle to Matthew McConaughey?

Because it was all right, all right, all right.

I'd like to dedicate this joke to my father, who was a roofer...

...so...dad, if you're up there...

The mayor of Frankfurt, Germany

... was bitten on the finger by a dwarf seal just after she had dedicated a new enclosure for the seals at the Frankfurt Zoo.

(You can't really blame the animal. Even humans bite when they get that close to a frankfurter).

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The...

I dedicate this in loving memory of all those dads who never quit

And a quick disclaimer that smoking is injurious to health...

Shout out to my dad who went to get a pack of cigarettes and never returned

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam. "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied.

"Well, ill pay you $100. what cut do the girls
get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Offended at such an unfair operation, the
man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable shop. Finally he reached a
brothel where the madam said hers was a
union house...

A little late to the party here, but for my New Year's resolution, I decided to dedicate more time to my step machine.

I never knew my real machine. 😢

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polack...

An Irishman, an Italian and a Polack are on death row, awaiting electrocution.
The warden takes the first man, and asks him if he has any last words. He says, 'I'm innocent. Perhaps years from now, evidence will show I"m telling the truth'.
The warden says, 'Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what t...

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3 nuns have dedicated their lives to God since they were 16.

25 years later they started talking about everything in life they missed out on. Never getting a drivers license, to their first drink at 21, or even having sex.

So they all decided they would go to their priest and ask if they can have 1 day off from being a nun. As this is a weird request t...

I am a proud anti-vaccine Father of 3.

Edit- Two Now

2nd Edit- One Now

3rd Edit- Nevermind

4th Edit- WOW this really blew up. I would like to dedicate all these wonderful awards to my 3 children Byeson, Dieanne, and Ammunity. They would have been so proud. RIP

The local ice cream shop has introduced a new mixed fruit flavour of ice cream dedicated to the president of the United States

They call it the Im-peached orange.

They say it is good, perhaps the greatest in the history of mixed fruit ice creams.

Flying over the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on it's way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring ...

A man and his wife attend the wedding of a mutual friend.

The ceremony is beautiful. The man and his wife are both struck with nostalgia and joy as they sit and remember their own wedding day. They hold hands throughout the ceremony, moved nearly to tears. Then, at the end of the ceremony, the new couple even walk out to the same song the husband and wife ...

There are dedicated detectives who investigate especially heinous crimes as members of an elite squad known as the SVU. This is one of their less successful stories...

In a stake-out operation at a local bar, an undercover SVU officer was approached by Eva, an exotic dancer, who offered him a private lap dance in the back room. Within seconds, before starting her routine, she was arrested and charged with solicitation.

Later at trial, her defence lawyer i...

Made this one up at work today.

There once was an ancient Greek philosopher that dedicated his life to hypothesize the perfect way to cool off on a hot summer day.

His name was Popsicles.

What do you call an internet page dedicated to anime?

A weebsite.

I’ve dedicated my life to find my wife’s murderer.

If you can recommend someone, let me know.

I have dedicated my entire life to knowing 96% of the alphabet

I really don't know why though

what do you call your wife's dedicated room while she's on her period?

Hell's Kitchen

I absolutely MUST get a month dedicated to my favorite fruit...

Kumquat May.

Patriotism.

Being in the American military gives one the rare and distinctively American opportunity to live under a bridge that may one day be posthumously dedicated to you.

16 years ago the pope died.

And when he got to heaven he was greeted by angels.

"How are you mr.Pope?"

"Wonderful, I am so delighted to be in the gracious kingdom of heaven."

After checking the pope in the angels gave him a tour of heaven. Het got to see giant fountains, beautiful parks, and a huge mansio...

The Fast and the Furious 10 title should be dedicated to Paul Walker

Fast 10: Your Seatbelts

A church got a new pastor, who the music minister immediately disliked. Eventually, their conflict spilled out into the Sunday services.

The first week, the pastor preached about commitment and how we should dedicate our lives to serving one another. The music minister led the song "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week, the pastor preached about tithing and how important it was for the congregation to contributed to the chu...

A lady dies and goes to heaven.

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of blueberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees som...

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For all of his faults, Hitler was noteworthy as a dedicated artist.

In fact, the last thing he did before he died was paint the wall of his bunker.

Im so old, the DJ in this bar just dedicated his next set to me !

...and turned off the music

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It's Mr. Simon's last mail delivery after 40 years of dedicated service.

And as he arrives at the last house on his route, the number of gifts and tokens of appreciation in his overbrimming mail cart is pretty damned impressive.

And it's not without a tear in his eye that he flips the front door's brass mail slot to push the last delivery of his professional life ...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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What was the very last thing the dedicated German therapist told his patients on the Titanic?

"Sink Positively!"

My roommate is really dedicated to dental hygiene

just last night I heard her using an electric toothbrush for what seemed like an hour

There's a support group dedicated to those addicted to plastic surgery...

The leader walks in and says "Wow, I see a lot of new faces. I have to say I'm disappointed!"

Picabo Street is a former World Cup alpine ski racer and model. When she was inducted into the National Ski Hall of Fame in 2004, her home town of Triumph, Idaho dedicated an entire wing of the local hospital to her.

It's called the Picabo ICU.

I just learned today is International Joke Day.

But do we really need a whole day dedicated to Trump?

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The Dedicated Husband

There was a man whose wife was in a coma. She had been in a coma for 5 years and every day, the man would visit the hospital and spend time with her despite her lack of progress. On this particular day, he found himself to be bored and got a little horny. So he reached over and began feeling up his ...

A man dedicated his life to tying bits of string together.

Unfortunately, it was all for knot.

3 Men Die and go to Heaven... (Joke dedicated to phoncible)

St. Peter at the gate says that there is only one spot left, and he'll give it to the guy that died in the worst way between the three of them.

So the first guy says, "I came home from work, suspecting my wife of cheating on me. I find no man around, but my wife is disrobed and laying in the ...

How many days off does a women get who has dedicated her life to working for the lord?

Nun!

Dedicated to /u/RogerSimon10 (RIP)

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, “OK, I'll serve you, but don't start anything.”

My Grandad was the best drummer in the world

He used to practice 18 hours a day, seven days a week, every day of the year.
Morning, noon, and night he'd be banging away with his sticks, so dedicated he was, he didn't even have a set of drums, preferring instead to play on old biscuit tins, bottles, anything he could lay his hands on.
He ...

Some actors are famous for playing the same role in multiple movies, but none so much as Lee Navarre.

Lee Navarre had starred in a couple of low budget films like Greta's Gallery and Fisherman Flanagan, but no one really took note of him till he was seen in the first movie of the mystery series "When Midnight Chimes". As we all know, it was an instant hit and Navarre gained a lot of critical acclaim...

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A literal version of 'your joke, but better': I got a tattoo of my girlfriend's name on my penis...

...in full, the tattoo says "FOR AMY" on it.

So I went to a bar, had a few drinks, went to take a leak, and noticed the guy next to me had "FOUR EARTH" tattooed on his.

I couldn't help but laugh and say to him "First off, you misspelled "FOR", secondly, you really think you'll get ever...

I'm going to start a foundation dedicated to helping people with obsessive behaviour.

And call it Obsessive Disorders Control.

Before Reddit there was a club dedicated to telling jokes and this is what happened

This club dedicated to telling jokes would meet every month and tell jokes to each other. The best jokes were retold so many times that after a while the club members would simply reference them by number. One evening they were telling jokes as usual:

"Do you remember number 117?"
Lots of ...

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Timmy just loves clowns. Favourite thing in the world.

He's got clown bed spread, posters in his room, the whole shabang. Totally idolizes them

One day, Timmy sees that the big top circus is coming to town. He gets so excited that, when it finally arrived, he camps outside the ticket booth, waitimg to get the best seat in the house. And when he g...

A doctor, a priest and an engineer go golfing...

After only a few rounds, they get caught behind the worst group of golfers they've ever seen. After growing impatient from waiting for them to finish their holes, they go into the clubhouse to complain.

"Let me explain," says the manager. "You see, those men all used to be firefighters, s...

Guitar Horse

A horse and his mother are in the barn watching TV when an ad comes on. It's for a music school that can teach anyone to play any insturment, guaranteed. The horse has always wanted to be play the guitar, so he calls them up.

"Hey, I want to learn to play the guitar," he says, "Can you teach ...

Sister Ya lived in communist China

Although the church was allowed there, it lived under the rule of the CCP. The more the good sister saw, the less she could ignore. It started small, ministering people with verses dedicated to freedom and truth. But the oppression became more than she could bear. She started hiding pro-democracy pa...

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A bus stops... [NSFW]

and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-mor...

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I've dedicated my entire life to getting prostitutes off the streets

For an hour or so each day.

Still my funniest joke

A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name s...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

Did you hear about that new physics institute?

It’s so big, there is a dedicated infrared-light district!

women vs men

Women are so difficult. Always changing their minds...,

At 18, they want handsome men.

At 25, they want mature men.

At 30, they want successful men.

At 40, they want established men.

At 50, they want faithful men.

At ...

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

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A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

An 18 year-old Italian girl tells her mother she missed her period for two moths.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

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A man goes to the circus

A young man named John was a huge fan of the circus all the way through childhood, he had a huge affection for the acrobatics, showmanship and the hilarious clowns.

Finally, one day, a circus came to his tiny village and he saved all his money to make the trip.

He had a great time, the...

What is born skinless, flies wingless and sings until it dies?

A fart.


*dedicated to my dear departed Grandfather who told me this joke almost 40 years ago when I was a kid.*

My English teacher asked me what I knew about syntax.

"I never knew part of my earnings were dedicated to wrongdoings."

What do you call a pilot who always flies the same plane?

Very dedicated to his craft.

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

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A small Muslim boy is lost in the supermarket...

so he runs to an employee and says, "I've lost my mother!"

The employee leans down and asks "What does your mother look like?"

The kid wipes his eyes and looks at the employee. "I have no fucking idea."

Edit: I'm sorry to those that are getting offended/angry/and are calling me ...

Three men attend a job interview to join the FBI.

The first man walked into the office, and the FBI agent who was conducting the interview explained: ‘To be in the FBI, you must be loyal, dedicated and willing to obey orders. Here’s the scenario: your wife is sitting on a chair in the next room, and I want you to go in there and shoot her with this...

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

A personal trainer gets a new client...

Their first day went smoothly, and the client seemed to be totally into everything the trainer was teaching him.

Over the next few weeks, the trainer became more and more impressed with this client, as he was the most dedicated client he had ever had, and was making tremendous progress. ...

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