Allot Jokes - 23 Hilarious Allot Jokes

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

Allot of girls asked me to go out today...

I was in the womens toilet.

I caught my neighbor putting a layer of topsoil on my allotment

The plot thickened

Back when I was a Scooby Doo villain I had an allotment....

Every time I went to tend to my vegetables I would find them covered in thin sheets of aluminium.

Those pesky kids were always foiling my plot.

(I'm sorry)

My friend was unconvinced when I told him someone keeps stealing soil from his allotment.

I thought he’d lost the plot.

Now someone keeps adding more and more.

The plot thickens.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 40 years as a gynecologist,

John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love—car mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in a car mechanics class and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. ...

My grand-dad was depressed because his prize marrows were not growing on his allotment, so I went along there to see if I could see what the problem was.

When I got there he was slumped over a pathetic burnt little marrow. I looked around me and noticed that all the other allotments were basking in dappled sunshine filtering through the trees but his was in the dark except for a stong burning ray of light. The cause was the huge window on a huge shed...

I went to an allotment yesterday to find more soil there than the day before. Today, I went there again and found even more soil..

The plot thickens...

How many bureaucrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Thank you for your query. Your number is #204588. We have allotted a timeslot for you at 2-3pm on Tuesday the 28th of November, during which time you will be required to fill out and submit forms 32.B and 44.A from our catalogue. Once these forms have been processed by our team we will begin an inve...

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Naked and Afraid is a fun show because you get to watch the participants removed from their comfort zones and they try and get something edible within the allotted time in order to survive a harsh environment that will punish them for every failure.

Incidentally, that is also why I watch Chopped.

A man walked up to me today, looked me in the eyes, and said, ”Apportion.”

I smiled and said, “Thank you, that means allot to me.”

How much space do you need to grow your own vegetables?

Allotment.

Airport Check-in : Non stop 10 hr flight

The attendant was apologetic to the husband, "I’m sorry sir, the flight is really full today. We couldn’t allot you nearby seats. Your seat number is 14A and your wife’s is 42H

Husband: Do I have to pay anything extra for this?

This old man approached me.

He said, "I planted some seeds somewhere and I can't remember what allotment."

"It's a synonym for 'many', but I can't help you with the first bit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don’t like to make much noise during sex

That might seem weird to allot of people, but if I make too much noise they wake up, then they start freaking out.

I just want to thank that guy who taught me another word for "distribute"...

It means allot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Religion is a bit like porn.

You know deep down it’s all lies but you still buy it.

It’s a multi-billion dollar industry making a few people very rich.

It distorts reality, inciting desires it never satisfies.

AND the scripts it’s based on leave allot to be desired.

New bull on the farm

Three bulls on the farm. They were just working out divvying up the heifers (young female cows). The biggest claims 60 of the 100 heifers. The second one claims 30 and the smallest, a puny runt gets 10.

Just as they ironed out the details, a huge trailer rolls up and out walks a monster of a ...

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3 man crash with a plane on an abandoned island:

an American, a Japanese and an English man are the only survivors. The American immediately takes charge and gives everyone a task in order for them to survive. You English man, go into the woods and gather tree branches so we can make a fire. I will go make a spear and hunt animals for food and the...

I had been told that Hot Chocolate and Churros were a must on my trip to Barcelona...

So on the final day of my trip to Spain I had carved out some time to head down to the ramblas to a little shop that supposedly had he best hot chocolate and churros in the world. Having read that the lines were often long I had allotted a good three hours thinking it would still give me plenty of ...

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

A greedy old miser dies alone. In his will he's divided his fortune between his pastor, his doctor, and his lawyer with one last request...

The old man's will states that he wishes to take his fortune with him. His final request is that these three, the last man on earth he feels he can trust, each bring their allotment of his fortune to his funeral, ten million each, and deposit the money in his coffin and bare witness as it's sealed a...

Kiss and heal

A young couple and another old couple were traveling in a 2nd AC coach train in India. The older couple was allotted the upper berth while the young couple was on the lower one.

Just before going to bed the young man goes over to his wife's berth to give her a good night kiss. While getting u...

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