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Grant Jokes

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

A genie granted me 2 out of my 3 wishes, and my third wish was for him to forget he ever met me

He replied with “I am a genie, and I shall grant you 3 wishes”
AI Image Generator

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

A cowboy is captured by indians. The chief tells the cowboy they'll grant 3 requests before they scalp him.

The cowboy thinks a minute then says, " I wish to say goodbye to my horse then to set him free." So they bring him his horse, he whispers in its ear then sets him off into the sunset. He tells the chief he needs to mull over the third request and the chief agrees to wait until sunset.

As t...

A genie grants three wishes to an old lady.

She says, "I want to be young again."

\*poof\*

She's young again.

"I want my little house to be turned into a beautiful mansion."

\*poof\*

She's now living in a beautiful mansion.

"I want my cat to be turned into a handsome young man!"

\*poof\*
...

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I met a genie today who said he would grant me one wish.

"I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"

"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"



"You crafty bastard," said the genie.

I’ve met a fairy once and it granted me a choice; to have a big p*nis or a good memory…

I don’t remember what did i choose though

Genie granted me one wish, but with a condition that my enemy will get two times more

I asked for 120/80 blood pressure

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You son of a ........

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said “I just want to be happy”.

So now I’m living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?’Whistle while you work…….’ ?

Dave rubs a magic lamp and the genie grants him 3 wishes

Genie: what will be your first wish?

Dave: I want to be rich

Genie: Granted. What will be your second wish?

Rich: I want a lot of money

A Genie grants a wish.

I met a magical Genie. He gave me one wish. I said, "I wish I could be you.

The Genue saud, "Weurd wush but U wull grant ut."

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

A goat gets his wish granted by a genie.

He wishes to be turned into a human being. After his transformation, the, now, man is so grateful to the genie. He asks "How can I ever repay you?"

The genie just has this request: That the man make the most of his life and live like no man has lived before; love like no man has loved before;...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stuck on an island and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one."

The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband and my life. I just want to go home."

Poof! The brunette gets her wish, and she is returned to her family.

The redhead says, "I've also been stuck here for years, and I wish I could go home, too."

P...

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So my Professor said "if you were granted invisibility for one day what would you do?"

I said, " I'd go to Paris and find a mime and beat the crap out of him and the applause from the crowd would be outstanding! "

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

An angel appears and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars."

Immediately, the man chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, he is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table.


One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"


The man says, "I should have taken the money."

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A seller at a flea market told a lady that an old mirror was magic and could grant wishes

She bought the mirror and brought it home. Looking for a suitable place to hang it, she settled on the back of the bedroom door. Taking a moment to collect her thoughts and wishes, she faced the mirror and pronounced, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my breasts size forty-four!” Instantly, her bra...

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An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

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Guy dies and goes to Heaven and God grants him a final wish. He tells God, "I've never won in Vegas." God winks and says, "Okay! Let's go." And God snaps his fingers and - poof! - God and the guy are at a blackjack table at Bellagio Casino on the Strip.

God gives the guy $100,000 in chips and says, "Bet it all." The guy shrugs and puts up all the chips and the dealer deals him an 19 - against the dealer's 6. God says, "Take a card." The guy says, "Hit a 19 against a bad hand?"

Gods insists. "Take a card." The dealer deals him a 2. The guy sa...

I found a genie in a bottle who granted me three wishes.

Being selfless, I wished for world peace, reduce pollution and less traffic.

...

Should’ve read the terms and conditions. My bad.

Why are “Little People” so upset that Hugh Grant is playing an Oompa Loompa ?

Because they are Short Tempered…?

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So a Genie appeared and said "I will grant you ONE wish."

I thought and thought and thought,and said "Here is a map of the countries of the middle east. They have been killing each other for thousands and thousands of years. Could you please bring peace to this one part of the world?
He said "Well,even for a Great Genie like me that's asking a little to...

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Judge: "Micky, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse, because she is not crazy"

"I didn't say she was crazy Judge, I said she was fucking Goofy"

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3 men are granted 3 wishes

3 men stumble upon a lamp and they rub it, and out comes a genie. The genie says

"I will grant each of you 3 wishes."

The first man thinks long and hard, and then says

"I want to have a million dollars"

The genie snaps his fingers and poof, the man now has a million dol...

General Frederick D. Grant said to his servant one morning

"James, I have left my mess boots out. I want them soled."

"Yes, sir, the servant answered."

The general dressed for dinner that night, said again: "I suppose, James, that you did as I told you about those boots."

"Yes, sir, said he, and this is all I could get for them, though...

Why did Wyoming grant women the right to vote nearly a century before the 19th Amendment?

It wasn’t hard to convince the 5 people who lived in Wyoming

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Three friends are fishing when a crocodile comes ashore and grants them three wishes...

The first friend says "I wish I could catch a huge marlin"

The crocodile swims away for a moment, then comes back.
The friend then pulls in a massive marlin.

"Amazing!" Says the second friend "Well you know what? I wish I were rich"

The crocodile then swims underwater and fet...

Genie will grant you one ...

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter. He asks the man, “Where did you get such a big lighter?”

The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there? He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says, “I wish for a milli...

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A Russian and a Ukrainian go fishing together. They catch a talking goldfish, and she grants them 3 wishes if they let her go

The Russian says: we used my fishing rod, so I get first 2 wishes.
First: I want all the *insert some racial slurs* out of my glorious country.
Second: I want a big wall around Russia, nobody can cross.

Then Ukrainian has a dialogue with the fish
- Is the wall done?
- Yes
- I...

[OC] A genie grants a man his first two wishes, and the man was so upset with how the wishes turned out, that for his third wish, he wished that the genie would go to hell.

The genie arrives in hell, and the Devil is surprised. "We've never had a genie down here before!" the Devil exclaims.

The genie says, "Well, I guess you're my new master, would you care to make your first wish?"

The Devil gets very excited, and quickly replies, "YES! I've been dreamin...

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A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a genie appeared. The genie said, "I can only grant you one wish. So ... what will it be?"

The young woman pulled out a map of the middle east from her back pack. "See these countries, Egypt, Syria, Lebanon, Iran, Iraq, Palestine and Israel etc. Well I want them all to live in peace" she said. The Genie studied the map. "WTF lady, they've been fighting each other for hundreds of years, th...

Three guys on a hiking trip find a lamp, so they rub it until a genie appears who generously offers to grant each of them three wishes.

The first one goes "I would love to be as rich as I ever want, with enough money appearing in my bank account whenever I want to buy anything." The second one says "that's amazing, I want the same!", but the third one says "I want my left arm to constantly rotate clockwise."
- "Done", says the ge...

During a trial the defendant says "Your Honor, I believe that someone who saw his father die from the hands of a man he trusted most, and then witnessed the same thing happen to his mother, deserves to be granted a more lenient sentence".

The judge replies: "Sir, while I appreciate your concern, I do not think this line of thought applies to murdering your own parents."

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes

He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

Donald Trump finds a magic lamp. He rubs it, and a genie comes out.

Genie: "I grant you three wishes."

Trump: "I'm tired of getting sued for everything I do. I want there to be no more courts."

Genie: "Granted. You have no wishes left."

Trump: "What the hell? You told me I had three wishes, and I only used one!"

Genie: "Sue me."

God and the Biker, I will grant you one wish...

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I  c...

A man finds a genie lamp, rubs it and poof a Genie appears.

Genie: I have the power to grant you 3 wishes but keep in mind, whatever you wish, your mother-in-law will receive two-fold…

Man: Ok. My first wish is for 1 billion dollars.

Genie: Your wish is granted, but keep in mind that your mother-in-law will receive 2 billion dollars.

Ma...

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A genie grants a man one wish

"Budget cuts" said the Genie.
The man knew he had to make it count.
He said, "I wish I knew the answer to every question I'm asked."
The genie gave a nod then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

The man didn't want to immediately melt his mind with the answers to the universe. Startin...

Why did the genie grant Johnny with Amber?

He asked to get hammered, but he got miss heard.

A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate

Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.

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Last week, I met a Genie who said he’d grant me one wish,

I only had 3 choices:

First was a better memory.

Second was a larger penis.

Third was… well I can’t remember what the third choice was.

Why does Alec Baldwin grant wishes?

Because he's a shooting star.

What do you call a man who gives students money?

Grant

A Welshman, Scot and Englishman are walking when they come across a lantern and a genie pops out and grants them one wish each.

The Scot says: “I am a sheep herder, like my father before me. I want my country to be full of lovely sheep farms.”

Whoosh, and so it was.

The Englishman was amazed and says: “I want a wall around England to keep those damned Scots and Welsh out.”

Bang, there was a wall around E...

Three fishermen catch a mermaid. If they agree to set her free, she will grant them each a wish. The first guy says, "OK, I want you to double my I.Q." Immediately, the guy recites Shakespeare flawlessly. The second guy asks the mermaid to triple his I.Q.

Suddenly, he's spouting complicated mathematical solutions. Impressed, the last guy asks the mermaid to quintuple his I.Q. The mermaid hesitates and asks, "Are you sure that's what you really want?" "Absolutely!" says the man. The mermaid smiles. Instantly, the third man turns into a woman.

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.

The old man is told by the Genie that he will grant him one wish.


The man says “I wish for a wife 30 years younger!”


So the genie made him 90.

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Be careful what you wish for…

A man caught a goldfish and as always...

- "Let me go and I will grant you a wish"! - said the goldfish.

- "But I don't need anything: I have a house, a summer house by the sea, cars,
a cottage in the mountains, a yacht, more than enough money..... I only fish for pleasure" - he say...

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A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "come in! We have a magic ashtray that will grant one wish if you buy a pint"

He walks in to a swanky piano lounge which, interestingly, had a dwarf playing the piano.

He buys a pint and the bartender tells him to hold the ashtray and make his wish.

He squints and makes his wish. Suddenly a million ducks start swarming out from behind the bar and begin to cause ...

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish.

An old woman was sitting in her rocker by the fireplace one night when all of a sudden a genie appeared and promised to grant one wish. She thought about it for quite awhile then looking down at her faithful cat Tom, she asked the genie to transform the pet into a handsome prince who would love her...

Greg Abbott and Joe Biden are having a meeting when suddenly a genie appears

"OK, look, here's how it's going to go. I can only grant three wishes, so one of you will get two and the other will only get one. And since you're already men of power and means, you have to choose wishes that will serve your constituents."

Abbott immediately screams that he wants the two...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island. One day, the Englishman finds a genie in a lamp who grants him three wishes. Because the Englishman is such a nice fellow, he asks the genie if he can share the three wishes...

The genie agrees and heads over to the other men, explaining the situation.

"Alright, Mr. Englishman, you get one wish", declares the genie.

"I miss the bustling streets of London, I wish to be sent back to England".

"Your deed is done", says the genie, who then teleports the ...

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Those who jump into the valley of wishes speaking what they desire shall wake up having their wishes granted.

3 men arrived at the valley.

The first man was a really horny one. He shouted "Hot girls!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded by a sea of the most beautiful women. He was so happy.

The second man was a geek. He shouted "Books!" as he jumped down. He then woke up surrounded...

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

A stoner finds a leprechaun who promises to grant only one wish...

Stoner: "Alright maaan, uhhh, how about.... a joint of the best weed EVER that never goes out or burns up, and I will never gain a tolerance to it"

Leprechaun: "A neverending joint, splendid wish. So great a wish in fact that I will grant you one more wish."

Stoner: "Really, another wi...

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Cinderella, now 90 years old, and Prince Charming being long dead, sat on the balcony of her castle with her cat resting in her lap.

Suddenly, the Fairy Godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was completely stunned.

\- Wh... what are you doing here after all these years? asked Cinderella.

\- Cinderella, you have lived a perfect life. You have never done anything out of malice, and you have been a wonderful wi...

God said to John, "Come forth and I shall grant you eternal life".

But John came fifth and got a toaster instead.

Frog: I will grant you three wishes

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but ...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

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A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

Genie grants three wishes...

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one." "Me first!" says the paralega...

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

A Genie grants a person 3 wishes

The genie says “I shall grant you 3 wishes, ask what you must”

The man replies “I want a world without lawyers”

“Granted, you have no more wishes left” said the genie

The man exclaimed “But wait! You said 3 wishes!”

Genie replied “Sue me”

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A man meets a genie that will grant him 2 wishes

The man says: I want 5 million dollars.

The genie gives the man a briefcase filled with money and asks : what’s the other wish?

The man replies: I want a hot woman that will fuck me every night.

The genie says: a woman will stop by this evening and she’ll fuck you every night....

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

I bought a car that grants wishes

It's a Lamborgenie

A man walks into a bar with a tiny piano and a 12 inch pianist.

He sets the tiny piano down at the bar, and the tiny pianist starts playing up a storm. The bartender looks at the man and says, "That's amazing, where did you get that?" The man replies, "There's a genie outside your bar that will grant you one wish."

The bartender runs outside and sure enou...

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

A man was granted one wish, however his ex wife would get twice of whatever he wished.

He wished to be half dead.

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Guy walks into a bar Sits at the bar and orders a drink. He pays with a $100 bill and refuses the change. Just when he's about to take a drink, this little guy - not even a foot tall - runs across the bar and knocks the drink out of his hand. The little guy jumps off the bar and disappears.

The bartender, really confused, pours him another drink. The guy pays him $100 and refuses the change again. Just as he's about to sip his drink, the little guy appears, knocks the drink to the floor and runs off again.

Now the bartender pours him another drink and asks him about the little g...

GENIE: "Because you freed me from the lamp, I grant unto you one wish."

ME: "Can I wish for anything?"
GENIE: "Yes, anything."
ME: "Literally anything?"
GENIE: "Literally anything."
ME: "And you'll do it?"
GENIE: "I'm a genie, it's what I do."
ME (after some thought): "I wish for this wish to not be granted."
GENIE: "But wait! I can on...

i found a magical lamp, rubbed it and a genie appeared, he said: "i grant you only one wish, use it wisely"

i said "ok,i want unlimited wishes".

then we started arguing with the genie, genie claimed he accepts only one wish and this wish is unacceptable and in contradiction with the original grant.

so i had another wish, i said "i want you to be my slave and do whatever i like".
it was...

GENIE: I will grant you one wish!

Me: What the hell, I thought it was 3 wishes

Genie: Look in your pants

Me: Oh wow

Genie: Now look at your bank balance

Me: OH WOW

Genie: Yeah, I been doing this for a long time!

After World War I, the US was granted several island territories in the Pacific Ocean, Hawaii being one of them

They ending up liking it so much that they wanted Samoa

Her: Do you really hate every Hugh Grant movie?

Me: No, I love Love Actually actually.

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Norwegian, Finn and Swede see a genie that grants wishes

The genie tells the group that they need to climb to a nearby block of flats and while jumping down they need to shout what they want and they will fall in to a pile of what they shouted.

The norwegian jumps down and shouts "MONEY" and he falls in to a big pile of money.

The finn jumps...

Three men found a genie lamp that grants the opposite of what is wished

The first man wishes that he would win the lottery. He buys his first ticket, and loses, buys his second ticket, and loses. Every week the man dumped his savings into lottery tickets, until he was completely broke.

The second man wishes for a healthy and long life. He decides to abuse his wis...

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

Three men were stranded on a deserted island

when they discovered a magical golden fish swimming near the shore. The fish promised to grant each of them one wish.

The first man said, "I wish I were back home with my family." In an instant, he disappeared from the island and found himself surrounded by his loved ones.

...

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude."

The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, bec...

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

An Italian, an Englishman and an American are granted an audience with God.

The Lord lets them ask a question about the future.

The Italian asks, “I’m a big F1 racing fan. When will Ferrari win another World Championship?” “In 20 years,” says God.

The Italian wails, “I’m an old man. I’ll never get to see my team win a championship.” He starts to cry.
...

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Mild (NSFW) When I was younger I had a fairy godmother who granted me one wish.

She said I can either have a long penis or a long memory...


I forget my respnse

Last night I went to bed wishing I looked younger, well this morning I woke up with my wish granted.

I had a couple of zits on my forehead!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"

The bartender thinks for a minute and then says "It would to be something spectacular to take that offer." The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar. He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, whom is only 1 foot tall, and beside him a little piano. The piano man starts pla...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

Man is granted 3 wishes

I didnt write this but I still want to share...

A man was digging through old junk in his attic and finds a lamp that he had never seen before. He starts to clean the dust off of it and then it starts to smoke and flash bright light. Finally a Genie comes out and says with a powerful voice,...

Wish Granted by Genie

A middle aged man was walking along the beach one day, when he stumbles and discovers a small brass lamp. Rubbing it, a genie appears and offers to grant him just one wish.

After careful thought, the man says, "All of my life, I have wanted to visit Hawaii. But I am deathly afraid of flying a...

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

Patrick's wife Phyllis wanted to help Patrick be less literal minded, so she decided to present him with a scenario. "You're alone in the desert with a lamp that you've rubbed that produced a genie who said he'd grant you three wishes". Patrick didn't even have to think before responding...

"No I'm not".

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I met a magical fairy yesterday who said she would grant me one wish.

“I wish to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant that particular wish.”

“Fine,” I said. “Then I want to die the day after Congress is filled with honest, hard-working, bipartisan men and women who act only in the people’s best interests!”

“You...

They say God grants wishes

... but they omit the fact that we have go there to receive our wish.

A blind guy, a deaf guy and a disable person cross a river that grants you one wish.

Blind guy: "My wish is to able to see again"

He crosses the river and he is able to see again.

Deaf guy: "I wish to get my hearing back"

His wish is granted as he crosses the river.

The disabled guy sees that the previous two wishes were granted and rushes in the river in...

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So I was granted one wish to see everyone I jerked off to in one room

I took to the stage and said "ladies, you might be wondering why Ryan Gosling and I are standing next to each other but....."

A Genie grants a man 3 wishes

The genie says the only catch is whatever you wish for your ex wife will get double.
The man says "For my first wish I want a huge mansion."
Sure enough the man is given a huge mansion and his ex wife gets two.
"My second wish, I want a billion dollars!"
The man is given a billion dollar...

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Grant Me a Wish

The other day, I found a lamp on the ground and rubbed it; to my surprise, a genie popped out. The genie asked “You may have three wishes. What is your first desire?” I requested “Oh genie, make sure I don’t die a virgin”. The genie waited a moment, then said “Done.” He quickly pulled out a gun, and...

A genie grants a woman three wishes but there is a catch.

Every wish she is granted, her husband, who she hates, is granted 10x that wish.

"So what would you like for your first wish?" the genie inquires.

"I want to be beautiful," says the woman.

"Sure thing, but just so you remember, your husband will be 10x more beautiful than you...

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Small Head

A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of a...

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Three men come across a genie. The genie explains to them that they are each granted one wish only if they jump off a cliff and say what they desire...

The first guy immediately runs and hops off the cliff while screaming, "Burgers!" and he lands in a mountain of burgers.

The second guy gave a little more thought to his wish before he promptly dived off and yelled, "Money!" He lands in a mountain of money.

The last guy had thought abo...

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *poof* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it...

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!" Genie: "Wish granted!"

When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

If we granted statehood to DC, Guam, and Puerto Rico, we'd have 53 states.

We would literally be one nation, indivisible.

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

A genie is granting my last wish

Me: I wish for more-
Genie: No wishing for more wishes.
Me: I wish for more genies

TIL that in the 1820 Missouri Compromise, Missouri wasn't able to become a state unless Maine was also granted statehood.

As it turns out, Missouri loves company.

Have you guys heard of that new anime about a jedi who grants wishes?

Kawaii Gone Djinn

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan…

Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing.

Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens.

On his way back with a truckload o...

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The genie said I will grant you just one wish

I said "I want my dick to touch the ground"
Then my legs fell off...

3 blondes are lost in the desert

They come across a river that they have to get over, but it's swarming with crocodiles.

Luckily, a genie just happened to pass by on his flying carpet. He said: "Ah, you are lucky! As I have found you here, I will grant each of you one wish."

The first blonde wished she was an excellen...

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