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Flat Tire Jokes

I had a flat tire the other day...

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s...

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

Tell me a flat tire joke...

No pressure

What happened to the Guns N' Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose

What did the vegetarian say when they were stranded with a flat tire?

Should have brought asparagus.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire.

He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.

With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.

He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at nig...

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

I got a flat tire outside of the Mental Institution.

I wrestled the tire off, but stripped out half of the nuts. "Great! What am I gonna do now?", I spit, angrily.

"Put one on every other lug, then drive cautiously to a place you can get some more." A patient was looking over the wall.

"How'd you know that?", I asked.

"I'm craz...

A salesman gets a flat tire in front of the insane asylum.

As he changes the tire a guy on the other side of the fence sits watching him.
In the process of changing the tire the salesman kicks the nuts holding the wheel and loses the nuts in a the stream next to the road.
Raging about and cursing his luck he's interrupted by the guy on the other sid...

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A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

what did the libertarian say after I changed his flat tire?

I did it all by myself, without any help from anyone.

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

A man drove by an asylum and got a flat tire...

As he begins to change the tire, he sees a man in a window watching him from the insane asylum.

Nervous as he changes his tire, he drops the lugnuts down the sewer drain.

Now he's stuck on what to do

The patient in the window yells down at the man.
"Hey! ...hey! Up here! T...

Flat Tire

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when
they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying
to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is...

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Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.

I asked "What are you doing?!"

"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

A Guy is on a second date with his Girlfriend, in a Yugo he bought for $500

He blows a tire and ends up taking it to the nearest tire shop, the technician asks him what the vehicle is, and he says a Yugo, technician says "sorry we dont work on bikes", he says no its a Car, technician says "oh, yeah we can order a tire for you" after doing some searching he tells the guy itl...

What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire?

A flatulence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

The chemistry final make up exam.

There were four University sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an A so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time but, after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday an...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

"What do I look like?"

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on t...

I got a flat tire on my way home from the grocery store

At least I have asparagus

One day a man got a flat tire...

... right in front of an insane asylum. "Dagnabbit!" he cursed as he pulled a jack and a tire iron from his trunk. Just then he noticed a man in a white hospital gown staring at him from up on a hill behind the wrought iron bars.

The driver set about his task. He popped the hubcap off, loose...

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A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...

... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and d...

The Real Laws of the Universe

LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR Once your hands become coated with grease or paint, your nose will begin to itch.

ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM When you dial a wrong number, you NEVER get an engaged...

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A good one for those of you finishing up finals.

4 buddies are seniors in college and all 4 of them have 4.0 GPAs and are majoring in biology. Even though their last final is on Monday, they decide they wanted to go to the all girls college across town and party until Saturday night, come back Sunday, study all day, and take the exam on Monday. Wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit d...

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It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take...

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A wealthy woman was being driven around by her

chauffeur when her limousine had a flat tire.

The chauffeur got out and started to change the tire. After seeing him struggle trying to remove the hubcap for over five minutes, she called out the window, "Would you like a screwdriver?”

"We might as well," he answered. "I can't get the ...

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

.. and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights...

A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

Four students wake up late for their Stats exam

They show up to class half an hour late and use the excuse that the car they rode in got a flat tire. The Statistics professor allows them to take their test. The professor is skeptical, so he adds a question that they must all answer correctly at the end of their test for it to count.

"Whic...

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Cowboy

A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire.
As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.
He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered,
“Hey, you! Get off t...

A detective story

An old joke I remember from working retail, works best with the pauses that I hope I get across:

10 am there is a knock at the door,
knocks me half out of my secretary
It's a dame, she tells me I have to help her find her husband.
It's raining outside so I grab some r...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

The chauffeur

A beautiful woman was being driven around when the car suddenly got a flat tire. The chauffeur opened the trunk and got the jack out, but he couldn't find the tire iron anywhere.
Still, he jacked up the car and tried everything he could to remove the tire. After 15 minutes of him getting nowhere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eskimo pulls up to an intersection...

with a flat tire. A Welsh guy pulls up next to him and says:

"Hey, I think you've blown a seal!"

To which the eskimo replies:

"So what? You shag sheep."

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Help Me

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it...

Four college guys wanted to go on a trip but they would be late for an exam...

Four college guys wanted to go on a trip but they would be late for an important exam.
They decided they would go and make up a sob story to the professor when they were back. So they went on with the trip and came back late for the exam as expected.
Since they had a bunch of pictures on s...

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into hi...

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized...

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

It's only Ice cream!

A penguin decides he was sick of living in the antarctic and wants to go see the world.

So he decides he's going to drive through the Americas. Anyways he's been driving up from South America and he makes it to Arizona when he gets a flat tire.

He finds a garage to take his car to an...

A Small Collection of US State Jokes

**Georgia**

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,0...

Want a screwdriver?

Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.

"Might as well, I can't get this damned hubcap off."

a man was late for a business meeting

so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.

It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum w...

3 Guys Die And Go To The Pearly Gates

St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven" as he pointed to another shining gate many miles in the distance.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wif...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

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