How does the headless horseman fix a flat tire?

With a pumpkin patch

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

What do vegetarians say when they get a flat tire?

Should've bought asparagus.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

A car gets a flat tire

A car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day. The lady driver eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk.

She then takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lif...

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A young man gets a flat tire and must find a place to stay for the night...

He knocks on the door of a nearby house and an old man greets him. The old man hears out the young mans predicament, and allows him to stay for a night. Later the young man hears strange noises coming from a red door on the other side of his room but goes to sleep anyway. Asking the old man the ne...

I got a flat tire outside of the Mental Institution.

I wrestled the tire off, but stripped out half of the nuts. "Great! What am I gonna do now?", I spit, angrily.

"Put one on every other lug, then drive cautiously to a place you can get some more." A patient was looking over the wall.

"How'd you know that?", I asked.

"I'm craz...

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Paddy and Murphy come across a girl whose bike has a flat tire...

Murphy leaves Paddy to help her and goes on his way.

A few minutes later, Paddy passes Murphy on the girl's bike.

"What the feck happened"? asks Murphy.

"Well, I fixed her bike and be jaysus she takes her fuckin knickers off, lies on the ground and says, 'take what you want b...

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A Flat Tire.

An Inuit is visiting Scotland and his rental car got a flat tire. After getting towed to the local Auto repair garage, the mechanic looks at it and says, "looks like you blew a seal."



To which the Inuit replied, "Well, you fucked a sheep."

What does the computer programmer call a car with a flat tire?

Floppy drive.

A penguin is driving and gets a flat tire.

He pulls over to the nearest gas station and speaks to the mechanic. “About how long to get this repaired?” says the penguin. “Should only be about 30 mins” he replies.

It is pretty hot outside, so the penguin decides to walk and get some ice cream. Thirty or so minutes later, the penguin is...

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

Louis CK helped me change a flat tire.

All I had to do was watch him jack it.

A salesman gets a flat tire in front of the insane asylum.

As he changes the tire a guy on the other side of the fence sits watching him.
In the process of changing the tire the salesman kicks the nuts holding the wheel and loses the nuts in a the stream next to the road.
Raging about and cursing his luck he's interrupted by the guy on the other sid...

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire?

Drowns.

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A man got a flat tire...

A man got a flat tire. After pushing the car back home, he inspected the tire and found it severely damaged. Not wanting to throw it away, he tried to patch the holes, but there were too many of them. So he called his friend, a mechanic, to see if he could fix it.

"Wow, what a mess."

"...

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A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire

A man is driving down the road trough an isolated forest when suddenly he gets a flat tire.

He stops and starts changing the tire when a huge storm starts.

With all the rain the screws got washed away trough the sewers.

He's pissed and soaked lost in the middle of nowhere at nig...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire...

I was driving through Liverpool when I got a flat tire, so I pulled up on the side of the road and got out to change it. While I was changing it, a stranger came over and opened my bonnet.

I asked "What are you doing?!"

"Well, if you're having the tires, I'm having the engine"

What happened to the Guns 'n Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose.

What do you call an ambulance with a flat tire?

A flatulence.

A man is with his wife who's filling up their flat tire with air...

"Since when do you need to pay to fill up a tire?" says the wife.


"I don't know," replies the husband. "But I'm sure it has something to do with inflation."

4 kids are at a party on sunday night

They wake up on Monday morning, and knowing they wouldn’t be back in time to take a test, they emailed the professor and told him that they had a flat tire. The professor responded “ok, you can take the test tomorrow”

The next day the kids are at school. The professor says “you all have to ta...

Flat Tire

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when
they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying
to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

what did the libertarian say after I changed his flat tire?

I did it all by myself, without any help from anyone.

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4 Friends missed their final for Chemistry because they partied too hard.

Four friends in college taking chem were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even though the Chem final was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and...

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

Four roommates get drunk the night before an exam and they miss the test.

They go to the professor with a story that they got a flat tire on their way to take the exam and they beg for the chance to take a make-up exam.

The professor agrees.

On the day of the make-up test all four students show up right on time. The professor looks at his watch and says "be...

A man forgot to zip his trousers...

so a lady told him politely...

“Sir your garage is open.”

The man gave her a naughty smile and zipped his trousers and asked..

“Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?”

The lady smiled back and said..

“No, just one small Toyota with two flat tires.”

A guy dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter...

... and St. Peter tells him, “Hang on a sec… getting into Heaven isn’t a big deal… I just need to find a good deed you've done in your life… and you’re in.”

And with that, St. Peter starts leafing through this guy’s Book of Life. It’s a thick book, but he’s not finding anything. He gets to th...

4 college guys go on a weekend road trip.

They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday.

Ce...

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Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class...

Four friends have been doing really well in their Calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though t...

Garage Door

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into hi...

I got a flat tire on my way home from the grocery store

At least I have asparagus

One day a man got a flat tire...

... right in front of an insane asylum. "Dagnabbit!" he cursed as he pulled a jack and a tire iron from his trunk. Just then he noticed a man in a white hospital gown staring at him from up on a hill behind the wrought iron bars.

The driver set about his task. He popped the hubcap off, loose...

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

Two long time friends, Ollie and Brock, woke up early for work as they always do.

They each got into their trucks and headed to the local Ag plant where they work as produce haulers.

"What do you have for us today Flower?" asked Brock as they walk in. Their secretary’s real name is Ava but they always jokingly call her Flower.

"Well we've got three shipments that a...

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A big trip to the mountains with married women and their mothers-in-law was organized. They would go there by separate busses (the women in one bus and the mothers-in-law in another).

During the trip to the mountains, the bus carrying the mothers-in-law had a flat tire. Suddenly the bus driver lost control and the bus fell off the mountain, at least a couple thousand meters downhill. No chance anyone in that bus survived it. Obviously all of the women started cheering up, startin...

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It’s the end of spring break at college

These four buddies have an exam on Monday but decide to go out and party Sunday night anyway. They wake up and skip class because of the bad hangovers they have from all of the drinking. They walk in Tuesday and apologize to the professor, saying their car got a flat tire, hoping he’ll let them take...

Ran into a Chinese guy on the street with his car up on a jack and a bloody nose.

He was trying to change a flat tire. I asked him what had happened and he told me in broken English that he had tried to borrow some tools from the house across the street and the husband attacked him. I asked him what he said to the man that made him so angry.

He said:

"I told him I ...

Four students carpool to school.

They had a final exam and wanted to impress their classmates, so they agreed to arrive 30 mins late for the exam.

As soon as they arrived late, their teacher asked them why they were late. The driver responded: "we had a flat tire sir"

The teacher said: "very well, why don't the four ...

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Two college students have their most important final exam next week...

But they've chosen to spend the week partying instead. So, in their drunken stupour, after realising how badly they messed up, they beg their professor to give them an extra day for the exam. Even though sceptical, they told him that they had a flat tire on the way to university and couldn't reach c...

"What do I look like?"

A man comes home from work and is greeted by his wife.
"Honey, my car got a flat, can you fix it for me?"
"What do I look like", He asks "The michelin tire guy? Get me a beer." And goes and watches TV/

The next day his wife greets him again after work.
"Honey, the dishwasher is on t...

A musician was late to his concert...

He drove over something sharp and got a flat tire.

The Exam

Three Highschool Sr's decided to blow off their final exam for their logic class, and spend the day getting wasted.

When they returned to class the next day they explained to the professor that they were unable to get to class the day before due to a flat tire and no cell phone coverage in th...

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Four high school kids who carpooled together decided to skip school and spend the day fishing.

The next day they told the teacher that they had had a flat tire, and couldn't make it to class.

Much to their relief, she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a pop quiz yesterday, so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." Still smiling, she waited for them to sit d...

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A chemistry professor is giving his final exam...

... he says on the friday before the final, "If you miss the final you have to have a great excuse for missing the final next monday." Two students decide to study together all weekend so all friday night they study, all saturday morning and night they study, then they study all sunday morning and d...

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A good one for those of you finishing up finals.

4 buddies are seniors in college and all 4 of them have 4.0 GPAs and are majoring in biology. Even though their last final is on Monday, they decide they wanted to go to the all girls college across town and party until Saturday night, come back Sunday, study all day, and take the exam on Monday. Wh...

It's only Ice cream!

A penguin decides he was sick of living in the antarctic and wants to go see the world.

So he decides he's going to drive through the Americas. Anyways he's been driving up from South America and he makes it to Arizona when he gets a flat tire.

He finds a garage to take his car to an...

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Cowboy

A man and his girlfriend were driving across the desert when they had a flat tire.
As he got out, the boyfriend spotted a cowboy nearby, sitting on his horse, rolling a smoke.
He told his girlfriend, “Watch me make that cowboy change my tire!” He got out and ordered,
“Hey, you! Get off t...

One night, two law students are busy studying for an important exam to be held three days later.

However, they are burn out.


One of the boys thinks that studying any further is futile, and that they should drive tomorrow out state; meet his cousin; party like there's no tomorrow; drive back for one more day; and be in time for the exam the day after.


His colleague agree an...

Car breaks down in front of an insane asylum... [Long]

So a guy’s car breaks down in front of an insane asylum in the dead of the night in the pouring rain. The guy gets out of the car and sees he has a flat tire on his front drivers side. He goes to his trunk to grab the spare, the jack, and his wrench.

As he takes the lug nuts off, he places t...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

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A wealthy woman was being driven around by her

chauffeur when her limousine had a flat tire.

The chauffeur got out and started to change the tire. After seeing him struggle trying to remove the hubcap for over five minutes, she called out the window, "Would you like a screwdriver?”

"We might as well," he answered. "I can't get the ...

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Help Me

A group of nuns were travelling in a car when it had a flat tire. They got out and try to change it, but being rather unworldly, they don't really know how. Luckily, a truck came along and the driver offered to change it for them. They gratefully accepted.

As the trucker jacked up the car, it...

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe

.. and placed his order. He said, "I
want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
tires, a pair of headlights...

Four college guys wanted to go on a trip but they would be late for an exam...

Four college guys wanted to go on a trip but they would be late for an important exam.
They decided they would go and make up a sob story to the professor when they were back. So they went on with the trip and came back late for the exam as expected.
Since they had a bunch of pictures on s...

A detective story

An old joke I remember from working retail, works best with the pauses that I hope I get across:

10 am there is a knock at the door,
knocks me half out of my secretary
It's a dame, she tells me I have to help her find her husband.
It's raining outside so I grab some r...

a man was late for a business meeting

so he was already in a rush when he had a flat tire. he pulled over and began changing to his spare. Just as he as about to mount the spare, he accidentally knocked all his lugnuts into a storm drain. so he begins cursing his luck.

It just so happens he pulled over next to an insane asylum w...

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An eskimo pulls up to an intersection...

with a flat tire. A Welsh guy pulls up next to him and says:

"Hey, I think you've blown a seal!"

To which the eskimo replies:

"So what? You shag sheep."

The chauffeur

A beautiful woman was being driven around when the car suddenly got a flat tire. The chauffeur opened the trunk and got the jack out, but he couldn't find the tire iron anywhere.
Still, he jacked up the car and tried everything he could to remove the tire. After 15 minutes of him getting nowhere...

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized...

3 Guys Die And Go To The Pearly Gates

St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate and said, "However faithful you were to your wife, that will determine the vehicle you will get in heaven" as he pointed to another shining gate many miles in the distance.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wif...

A Small Collection of US State Jokes

**Georgia**

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,0...

Want a screwdriver?

Rich woman and her driver are out in the country. They get a flat tire, and of course the driver can't get the hubcap off. The woman searches the tool bag, and spies a tool that will help. "You want a screwdriver?" she asks.

"Might as well, I can't get this damned hubcap off."

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