As we were walking down the driveway with the cans, I asked my son, "Did you know there’s no official training for garbage men?" Rolling his eyes, he responded, "No, no I didn't." I continued...

"Seriously, they just pick it up as they go along!"

A bus full of ugly people crashes

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the w...

"I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework." Rolling his eyes, my computer science professor shot back, "Really?! Your dog ate your coding assignment?"

"Well, to be perfectly honest, it did take him a couple bytes."

An eye-rolling joke

Dad: You know who all I saw today?

Daughter: Who?

Dad: Everybody I looked at

Daughter: Huh?!

Dad: You don't like my vision joke? Too bad, that's how eye-roll ** rolls eyes **

Daughter: I'm not laughing at your eye rolling jokes again

Dad: Why? Is it too "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does standing on a rolling chair and sex have in common?

Both are *Not Safe for Work*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Obama went to meet Putin in Moscow…

…After dinner at the kremlin, Putin asks Obama to join him in a separate room. He leads Obama into a white room with three red buttons and a two- way mirror, and he closes the door behind him.

Not knowing what to do, Obama decides to press the first button. He pressed it and a giant boxing gl...

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A man goes to a Doctor's Office about his penis

A man walks gingerly into the office where he is met by a nurse with whom he speaks to

"Err, nurse? Excuse me, this isn't easy for me to say, but you have to promise you won't laugh"

"Well, sir, on my honour as a nurse and a lady, in my 20 years in this profession, I haven't once laugh...

A Russian General is on his way To Kyiv intent on burning it to the ground...

A Russian General is on his way To Kyiv intent on burning it to the ground.

When he gets to the edge of the city he sees the lone Ukrainian president up atop a hill, cussing him and the entire Russian Army.

"We can't have this," the Russian General says to his command staff. "This Ukr...

Guy is rolling down the sidewalk in a desk chair

He has a laptop under one arm, a phone under the other. A portable printer on his lap. He has a small wastepaper basket on his head. A swingline stapler in his shirt pocket

Cop spots him and says "what do you think you are doing?"

"Impersonating an office, sir."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tampons

A man walks into a supermarket, asks the clerk where the Tampons are.
She told him Aisle 14.
He comes back a few minutes later with a big bag of large cotton balls...and some kite string.
Puzzled, the girl asks him if he wasn't the one asking for Tampons?
" it's a long story," ...

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A frog hops into a bank and goes up to a teller.

He notices the tellers name is Patricia Whack. So he decides to ask her
"HI Ms. Whack. My name is Kermit and i would like a $50,000 loan for a vacation".

The teller is taken aback and asks "who are you and why would we give you a loan?"

The frog says "Dont worry my father is Mick Ja...

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A monkey was smoking weed in a crooked tree...

A lizard, climbing up the tree, see the monkey rolling up a blunt and asks, "hey monkey! can I have a hit?"

The monkey promptly offers him some, and for some time they're smoking together. The lizard, feeling thristy, looks at the monkey, who's almost falling asleep, and says, "I'mma go drink...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island. One day, the Englishman finds a genie in a lamp who grants him three wishes. Because the Englishman is such a nice fellow, he asks the genie if he can share the three wishes...

The genie agrees and heads over to the other men, explaining the situation.

"Alright, Mr. Englishman, you get one wish", declares the genie.

"I miss the bustling streets of London, I wish to be sent back to England".

"Your deed is done", says the genie, who then teleports the ...

A wife his her husband with a rolling pin

A wife hits her Husband with a rolling pin, the husband says “ouch! What was that for?”

The wife then tells him “I found a piece of paper with the name Jenny on it”

The husband then tells her that Jenny was the name of the horse he put a bet on last week.

The wife apologises to ...

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A woman with a skill you won't see coming

A beautiful woman approaches a man at a bar and offers him a proposition "For $200 I bet I can suck your dick and sing the national anthem at the same time." The man figures he can get some head and actually get paid for it, so he obliges. The woman takes him into the closet, starts sucking, and sur...

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Sysiphus is rolling his stone up a hill when Oedipus passes him by teasing him: "Pushing it, I see?"

Sysiphus replies: "You motherfucker".

I decapitated myself for a mountain rolling competition.

I guess you could say I was ahead.

Marshall Field

Marshall Field who pioneered the phrase, “the customer is always right” is rolling over in his grave right now.

Despite cemetery policy

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

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So a nun was at Confessional…

So a nun is at Confession and admits to the Mother Superior that she had cussed. Concerned, the Mother Superior asked her to explain the situation which caused her to swear.

“Well, last Saturday I decided to go play a game of golf and on the first hole, I took a mighty swing but the ball slic...

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A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...

She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.

She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her...

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid...

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

By walking…






J.K. Rolling!

What’s Sisyphus’ least favorite band?

Rolling Stones

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

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