A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

What do you call a child who fell off the roof?

An ambulance.

What’s the most expensive part of building a roof?

The overhead cost

A tree fell and destroyed a quarter of my roof yesterday.

oof

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

Do you know why, all around the world, parlaments' roof are built as a dome?

Have you ever seen a circus with a flat roof?

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

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When I was a kid I remember a joke that went something like this: if your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help your uncle Jack off?, I know not too funny! Well years later my then 8 year old son comes home from school and said he heard a joke, I said let’s hear it. And he said,..,

“If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof would you help him down?” And then said he didn’t get it! I thought it was hilarious!

Why was Spider-Man found sleeping on the roof of an old rundown power station?

No power, no responsibility.

My neighbor shingled my roof for free

He said it was on the house

How many babies does it take to reshingle a roof?

Depends how thin you slice them.

Wanna hear a roof joke?

Alright, the first one's on the house.

Two cats are sitting on the roof. Which cat will fall off first?

The cat with the smaller [mu](https://www.britannica.com/science/coefficient-of-friction)!

A woman sat on the roof of her house as the flood waters rose around her.

A man in a small motor boat pulled up and said, "Come on! We've got to go!" She replied, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the Lord to save me."

Not long after that, a helicopter hovered overhead and a rescue worker repelled down to try and save her. She said, "No thank you. I'm waiting on the L...

I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate dinner before it was cool.

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Three construction workers on a roof...

Three construction workers eat lunch together every day at the top of the building they work together on; one was Scottish, one was Chinese, one was Italian.

One day the Italian worker opened his lunch sighed, and said, “Ugh pasta. I am so sick of pasta. If I get pasta in my lunch one more t...

Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof.

Suddenly, Nobody falls off.
"Quick!" Nothing says. "Call an ambulance!"
So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: "Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!"

My friend suddenly decided to have her dollhouse's interior roof checked for mold, and I thought...

...that's a little spore attic.

I wanted to buy a smaller roof for my struggling business,

but there was too much overhead

The roof is not my son...

But I will still raise it.

A fourth of my roof was ripped right off by a tornado!!

Oof

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

The roof was caving in by the minute. I spent my few seconds deciding what to do...

And then it hit me.

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof...

Would you help your uncle Jack off?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 kids climb to the roof of a building when they see a genie who says: when you jump off this building, whatever you say will appear below you

The kids are skeptical, until one of the boys jumps off one side of the roof and screams “1000 PILLOWS”.

Sure enough when the kid falls, 1000 pillows appear below him to cushion his fall

The second kid excited to try it jumps off another side of the roof and screams “1000 pounds of fe...

Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

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Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

*Where the fuck is my roof?*

Why was the roof lonely?

It was shingle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Deer Camp

The guys were all at a deer camp.

No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a...

I like the way you're thinking.

Teacher: 3 birds are sitting on top of a roof and someone throws a rock and hits one off. How many birds are left?
Student: There are none left because the other two fly away whenever the other one is hit.
Teacher: Well actually there's still two left but I like the way you're thinking.
...

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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

Guy tells the talent agent, "My dog can talk."

Talent agent: "Prove it."

Guy, to dog: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: *Rough, rough!*

Guy: "What's on top of a house?"

Dog: *Roof, roof!*

Guy: "Who was the greatest Yankee ever?"

Dog: *Ruth, Ruth!*

Talent agent throws them out of his office.

D...

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A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla on his roof!

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an add for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the Gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The Gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"W...

I can't stand working on roofs

Apparently I have truss issues

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Three men and a wizard are on a roof.....

The wizard says if they jump off and say something they will land on that.
The first guy goes and yells, "pillows!" And lands on some pillows.
The next guy goes and yells "mattresses!" And lands on some mattresses.
The next guy goes to jump and trips and falls and says "Oh Crap!"

On the roof of a very tall building are four men-

One is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.

Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.

Ne...

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work

He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks "Hi, mate. Same as usual?"

"I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?" the man responded. "no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty." replied the barkeep.

A voice s...

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

Recently the prices at cemetaries has gone through the roof!

They blame it on the cost of the living!

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Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

Two guys in a lunatic asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night, they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light st...

My boss got stuck on the roof while trying to get some work done

He shouted “get me a ladder!”

I won’t let him down.

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So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are
you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup"

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss...".

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is
having an affair with my b...

A joke my dad told me

A young man decides to move out of the country. He has a problem though, because his cat is left with no one to care for it, and his mother, old and frail, cannot even take care of herself. He decides to leave it in the hands of his neighbor, an old woman. He thanks her for taking responsibility and...

I started a successful boat-building business in the attic of my house.

Sails are going through the roof!

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

A woman is like the roof of a shed.

If you don't nail them hard enough, they'll go next door.

I started a company selling land mines disquised as prayer matts...

Prophets are going through the roof

A man was stuck on a roof

He yelled to his friend "hey can you help me get down?"

His freind said "well, you have two options, I could grab a ladder, or you could jump, but I reccomend the ladder."

So he jumped

A man was trapped on his houses roof after his home town was flooded

a man in a row boat approached his house and said "hope in i will take you to safety"

the man declined and said "god will save me"



a short while later a man in a yacht came by and told the man to climb aboard to safety

again the man declined with the answer that god wi...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay...

What did yhe farmer say to the cow on the roof?

Get down.

*slaps roof of kid*

This baby can hold so many disappointments

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

.

.

.

.

.




**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

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Do you know the difference between a toilet and a roof?

Aha, so you're the idiot who shit on my roof last night!

My four year old told me this.

Where does a dog hide when it plays hide and seek?

The roof!

I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just opened a casino for dogs. They can play roulette, poker and blackjack all under one roof! However...

...they have to go outside for craps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made my front yard into a cemetery for Halloween... then my neighbor put a fog breathing dragon on his roof.

I told him if he wanted a dick measuring contest he could have asked his wife.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

When I was 15, I was a lost cause

I would constantly get in trouble with school teachers, policemen, really any kind of authority figure.

One day, my father had enough of it.

He told me that I had two options: either to change my ways, or to sleep on the roof until I decided to change. I considered choosing the former...

A man and his dog walk into a talent agents office.

"All right, lets make this quick i have things to do, whats your talent?" asks the agent.

The man says, "Its not me sir, its my dog -- he talks!"

"Yeah, right," says the agent. "I don't have time for this, now get out of here before I throw you out."

"No, wait," says the man. "I...

I finally got such a roof box for the car.

I finally got such a roof box for the car. Really practical, I have to say. You hardly hear the children anymore.

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A newlywed couple just moved into their new house.



One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says,"Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking,could you fix it?"

The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?"

A few days went by, and he comes home from work...

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back an...

I opened a company that sells landmines disguised as praying mats

Prophets are going through the roof.

"You gotta prepare me for stuff like that!"

A man goes out of town on business, and asks his good friend if he can house sit for him whiles he's gone. The friend agrees, and a week later, the man shows back up at his home.

"Hey bro!" the man says as he opens his front door. "How did it go while I was gone? Everything go ok?"

"Yo...

Car salesman: * slaps roof on r/jokes *

This baby can fit so many damn reposts in it!

My physics professor told me I had potential

Then he pushed me off the roof.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yel...

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There were two guys at a rooftop bar. The first says "you see this beer in my hand? Three swigs of this can make me fly around this building." He takes three swigs, does a swan dive off the roof and flies around it.

As he settles to the ground the second man exclaimed "I need some of that!" The first man gives him the bottle which he takes three drinks from. The second man does an identical swan dive and falls to his death. The waiter approaches and exclaims, "HOLY CRAP SUPERMAN, WHAT THE HELL!"

A man with a dog walks into a bar.

Guy says to the bartender: "If I show you my talking dog, will you give a round on the house?"

Bartender: "Okay. But prove it."

Guy: "Spot, what's a four letter word that starts with 'R'?"

Dog: "ROOF!"

Bartender: "That's not really talking."

Guy: "Ok. Spot, what's ...

A Man walkes into a Bar

He orders a shot of tequilla and the bar tender asks "would you like to try our challenge?"
The man confused, said "what challenge". The Bar tender then states " see those slices of meat on the ceiling?". The man looks up and sees 2 slices of red meat on the brick roof. Then the man says "what d...

Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory.

There’s de Brie everywhere

A physicist goes outside and sees a man standing on the edge of a roof

The physicist shouts “Don’t jump, you have so much potential!”

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. “What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.

“Magic beer,” he says.

“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”

Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.

“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try some of that!” The man grabs the bee...

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Superman is out flying one night when he sees wonder woman lying naked on a roof.

Seeing her naked body turns him on and he thinks to himself "I could probably fly down, fuck her, and fly away real fast without her noticing."

So he swoops down and does his deed and as he flies away wonder woman says "what was that wooshing sound?"

The invisible man answers "I don't ...

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Two men are standing on the roof of a tall building.

The first man says, “You know about the crazy wind currents in this part of the city?”

“Not really,” says the second man.

“Oh, you’re going to love this. The upward currents here are so strong that if you jump off this building, they’ll push you all the way back up.”

Skeptical,...

Praying for salvation...

One rainy day, a very religious woman was standing on her front porch watching as the river across the street started to rise up its banks. A policeman drove down the road and saw her, pulled his cruiser up her drive, and got out.

"Excuse me miss," he called over to the woman, "but the rains ...

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

I took a roofing class

So I took a roofing class in college, all of the content went right over my head.

What do you use to build a roof out of cheese?

Kraft Shingles

Two women are in a insane asylum

Eventually they can't take anymore.

#THEY DECIDE TO ESCAPE!#

At night they slip out of their rooms and sneak towards the stairs. They climb up the stairs and make it to the roof. From there they can smell the fresh air, and taste freedom. All they have to do is jump to the next buildin...

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

Flood joke from a catechism

Religious guy's town started flooding, and when the water reached his porch he started praying for help. Suddenly, a divine voice told him, "Bob, you are a good person, I have heard your prayers and I will save you!"

A few minutes later some woman in a small inflatable raft paddled by.
...

I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing in the roof of a tall building

One man turns to one of the others and says "This building is magic. I can jump off and then float back up."

The other man calls bullshit, and dares the first to prove it.

The man jumps and and a short time later floats up to the roof and goes back to standing next to the others.
...

What type of construction are dogs good at?

Roofing

A dog runs up to their master carrying an unusual stick.

Master: Hey boy, what do you got there?

Dog: *Bark*

Master: Bark? Well where did you get such an unusual piece of bark?

Dog: *Ruff*

Master: The roof? Well how did you get all the way up there?

Dog: *With the ladder*

Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof.....

The first construction workers says, "I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The second construction worker says, "If my wife packed ...

I'm giving away my roof for free

Don't worry, it's on the house.

What do you call a doghouse without a roof?

Woofless

Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you s...

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One night, I lie awake in my bed, staring at the night sky and ask myself..

"where the fuck is my roof?"

What do you call the troublesome storage area under your roof?

Problematic.

A seer was recruited to help a party of heroes break into a ruined dungeon

The other heroes knew that his knowledge of the arcane would help them to understand and predict the nefarious traps that were sure to beset them within the darkened tunnels.



The dungeon's architect had laid it out as a chess board, and the party moved one by one along the squares. Th...

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