A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof

I live under a 4 million dollar roof.

Bridges sure are expensive.

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A young student looking for a job goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store.

The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says “Very little.”

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was l...

A hurricane tore off a quarter of my roof.

oof.

I would tell you the joke about the roof.

But it may be a little over your head.

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married...

The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was excellent.

Wanna hear a roof joke?

Alright, the first one's on the house.

How many babies does it take to reshingle a roof?

Depends how thin you slice them.

How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate dinner before it was cool.

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Three construction workers on a roof...

Three construction workers eat lunch together every day at the top of the building they work together on; one was Scottish, one was Chinese, one was Italian.

One day the Italian worker opened his lunch sighed, and said, “Ugh pasta. I am so sick of pasta. If I get pasta in my lunch one more t...

I wanted to buy a smaller roof for my struggling business,

but there was too much overhead

My friend suddenly decided to have her dollhouse's interior roof checked for mold, and I thought...

...that's a little spore attic.

A man is about to commit suicide my jumping of the roof of his house

(Yoda pops up for suicide rescue)

Yoda:- Jump..

(Man falls to his death)

Yoda:- you must not...

The roof is not my son...

But I will still raise it.

Three people, named Crazy, Nothing and Nobody, are working on the roof.

Suddenly, Nobody falls off.
"Quick!" Nothing says. "Call an ambulance!"
So Crazy pulls out his phone, dials 911 and says: "Hi. I'm Crazy. I'm calling for Nothing, because Nobody fell off the roof!"

A fourth of my roof was ripped right off by a tornado!!

Oof

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

A nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a hole in the roof of your church."

"Thank you for telling me," he replies "but you've been here for years, it's our church."

The next day the nun goes to the priest and says "father, there's a broken window in your- I mean, our, church." He thanks her again and calls for a repairman.

The following day the priest is prep...

The roof was caving in by the minute. I spent my few seconds deciding what to do...

And then it hit me.

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3 kids climb to the roof of a building when they see a genie who says: when you jump off this building, whatever you say will appear below you

The kids are skeptical, until one of the boys jumps off one side of the roof and screams “1000 PILLOWS”.

Sure enough when the kid falls, 1000 pillows appear below him to cushion his fall

The second kid excited to try it jumps off another side of the roof and screams “1000 pounds of fe...

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If your uncle Jack was stuck on the roof...

Would you help your uncle Jack off?

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A Jew family is fixing their roof.

Father: "Son go ask our neighbor Jacob for his hammer please."

So the son goes to Jacob's house and asks for it.

Jacob: "No way, it's brand new and you're going to waste it. Go ask someone else."

The son goes back to his father and delivers the news.

Father: "Jesus, he wo...

What do a metal roof and a woman have in common?

If you don't screw enough she'll wind up at the neighbor's

I was using a ladder to bring down the christmas lights from my roof when suddenly I fell and got knocked unconscious. I awoke to paramedics surrounding me asking “Sir, did you fall from the roof or the ladder ?”

I said, “Probably the latter”.

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Three guys were standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first said: "You know, the wind currents here in New York are so strong that you could step off the edge of this building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current"

"You're crazy", said the second guy.

"You don't believe me?", said the first...

Why was the roof lonely?

It was shingle.

Isaac Newton: *slaps roof of car*

Car roof: *slaps Isaac Newton*

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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

Three kittens are on a sloping roof...

Which one slides down the slowest?

The one with the highest μ

I can't stand working on roofs

Apparently I have truss issues

A woman’s on vacation and calls home

She asks her husband, "How’s my cat doing?"

The husband says, "The cat’s dead."

The woman’s upset and says, "Well, you could have broken the news to me when I got home. I can’t enjoy my vacation now. You could’ve just said a little white lie, like the cat’s on the roof and you can’t ge...

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A man wakes up one morning to find a Gorilla on his roof!

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an add for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the Gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The Gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"W...

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

On the roof of a very tall building are four men-

One is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.

Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.

Ne...

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work

He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks "Hi, mate. Same as usual?"

"I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?" the man responded. "no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty." replied the barkeep.

A voice s...

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Three drunks are standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The...

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

My boss got stuck on the roof while trying to get some work done

He shouted “get me a ladder!”

I won’t let him down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men and a wizard are on a roof.....

The wizard says if they jump off and say something they will land on that.
The first guy goes and yells, "pillows!" And lands on some pillows.
The next guy goes and yells "mattresses!" And lands on some mattresses.
The next guy goes to jump and trips and falls and says "Oh Crap!"

A man was trapped on his houses roof after his home town was flooded

a man in a row boat approached his house and said "hope in i will take you to safety"

the man declined and said "god will save me"



a short while later a man in a yacht came by and told the man to climb aboard to safety

again the man declined with the answer that god wi...

Recently the prices at cemetaries has gone through the roof!

They blame it on the cost of the living!

My physics teacher told me I had a lot of potential,

Then he pushed me off the roof.

A woman is like the roof of a shed.

If you don't nail them hard enough, they'll go next door.

A man was stuck on a roof

He yelled to his friend "hey can you help me get down?"

His freind said "well, you have two options, I could grab a ladder, or you could jump, but I reccomend the ladder."

So he jumped

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

What did yhe farmer say to the cow on the roof?

Get down.

*slaps roof of kid*

This baby can hold so many disappointments

I usually charge for my roof jokes...

But the first ones on the house.

There are two kittens sitting on a steep roof. Which one falls off first?

the one with the smallest *mu*

.

.

.

.

.




**Preemptive explanation:**

Coefficient of friction. The coefficient of friction (COF), often symbolized by the Greek letter µ (pronounced *mew*), is a dimensionless scalar value which describes the...

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Do you know the difference between a toilet and a roof?

Aha, so you're the idiot who shit on my roof last night!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just opened a casino for dogs. They can play roulette, poker and blackjack all under one roof! However...

...they have to go outside for craps.

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind.

Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat.

The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.

Her husband said: The cat just died.

She burst into tears and said: How coul...

I finally got such a roof box for the car.

I finally got such a roof box for the car. Really practical, I have to say. You hardly hear the children anymore.

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There were two guys at a rooftop bar. The first says "you see this beer in my hand? Three swigs of this can make me fly around this building." He takes three swigs, does a swan dive off the roof and flies around it.

As he settles to the ground the second man exclaimed "I need some of that!" The first man gives him the bottle which he takes three drinks from. The second man does an identical swan dive and falls to his death. The waiter approaches and exclaims, "HOLY CRAP SUPERMAN, WHAT THE HELL!"

Help! I'm stuck on Rick Astley's roof

He took away the ladder and said he is never gonna let me down.

Car salesman: * slaps roof on r/jokes *

This baby can fit so many damn reposts in it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are standing on the roof of a tall building.

The first man says, “You know about the crazy wind currents in this part of the city?”

“Not really,” says the second man.

“Oh, you’re going to love this. The upward currents here are so strong that if you jump off this building, they’ll push you all the way back up.”

Skeptical,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made my front yard into a cemetery for Halloween... then my neighbor put a fog breathing dragon on his roof.

I told him if he wanted a dick measuring contest he could have asked his wife.

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back an...

A physicist goes outside and sees a man standing on the edge of a roof

The physicist shouts “Don’t jump, you have so much potential!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are standing on a roof.

A man who claims to be a magician approaches the three.
"If you jump off this roof, whatever you yell on your way down is what you shall land in," the magician tells them.
The Englishman, obviously the bravest of the three, volunteers to go first. He jumps off the roof, and on his way down yel...

What do you call a roof addicted to meth

A drug attic

Hurricane Ophelia just blew the roof off my cheese factory.

There’s de Brie everywhere

I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

I've just fallen through the roof of a French bakery...

Now I'm in a world of pain.

What did a physics teacher say to calm down a student who wanted to jump off the roof?

Don't do that, you have so much potential!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is out flying one night when he sees wonder woman lying naked on a roof.

Seeing her naked body turns him on and he thinks to himself "I could probably fly down, fuck her, and fly away real fast without her noticing."

So he swoops down and does his deed and as he flies away wonder woman says "what was that wooshing sound?"

The invisible man answers "I don't ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 men are standing in the roof of a tall building

One man turns to one of the others and says "This building is magic. I can jump off and then float back up."

The other man calls bullshit, and dares the first to prove it.

The man jumps and and a short time later floats up to the roof and goes back to standing next to the others.
...

How do you start a rave in a sorority house?

Tape a box of Uggs to the roof.

What do you use to build a roof out of cheese?

Kraft Shingles

I'm giving away my roof for free

Don't worry, it's on the house.

What do you call a doghouse without a roof?

Woofless

What do you call the troublesome storage area under your roof?

Problematic.

Two cats are stuck on a roof. Which one falls off first?

One with the smaller mew.

Why should you never keep pharmaceuticals under the roof?

To avoid it becoming a drug attic.

Otto the vampire bat came flapping in from the night- his face covered in fresh blood and settled on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and hassled Otto to tell them where he got it.
"Ok, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of his fellow residents behind him. Finally, he slowed down and the other bats milled around him, tongues hanging out expectantly.
"Do you s...

I heard a joke about someone throwing eggs on the roof

It cracked me up

Three construction workers are sitting down for lunch on the roof.....

The first construction workers says, "I swear to god if my wife packed me another bologna sandwich I'm going to kill my self by jumping off this roof." He opens his lunch and there is a bologna sandwich. He goes and jumps off the roof.

The second construction worker says, "If my wife packed ...

When I have two options of getting onto the roof...

I always choose the ladder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a long day, I like to lie down on my bed, look up at the stars and think to myself:

Where the fuck has the roof gone?

My girlfriend asked me what the difference between a moon-roof and a sun-roof is.

I told her it's night and day.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?

No? That’s okay, it’s probably over your head.

A painter's patience (my first joke)

A painter asked his client where to start painting his house.

-"Roof" said the client.

-"Ok" said the painter.

Moments later after hard work, the painter went back to ask where to proceed painting.

-"Where now?" Said the painter.

-"Roof!" Yelled the client.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is on the roof of a bar drinking a beer.

A woman walks up to him and takes a seat, after a while she turns to the man and asks what he is drinking. "Me? Oh, I'm drinking a magic beer" he replies confidently . She tells him to prove it and the man jumps off of the building, falling ten stories, but right before he hits the ground he flies r...

I was so sad when my Antenna fell off the roof

My Uncle Albert didn't take it very well either.

A man is stuck on the roof of his house after a flood, he prays to god for deliverance.

A man is stuck on the roof of his house after a flood, he prays to god for deliverance. A few hours later a guy in a dingy floats past and offers him a ride. He says "No, God will provide safe passage for me."

A day later a rescue team arrive with a boat and offer him a space, he again declin...

A man was mending his roof.

A man was mending his roof, when suddenly an elderly messy man showed up on his lawn, yelling to him "Sir, would you get down please". The man, not wanting to have to climb down and up the ladder again, yelled back, "What's the matter, sir?" The old man replied, "Just get down here first!" The man t...

I swapped our bed out for a trampoline...

When my wife found out, she really hit the roof.

A blonde and a businessman are watching the 11 o'clock news when reports of a jumper on the roof comes on.

The businessman turns to the blonde and says, "I bet you $20 that the guy jumps."

The blonde agrees and 5 minutes later the guy jumps. As the blonde takes out her wallet to pay the businessman, he says, "no it's ok, i saw this story on the 8 o'clock news and i knew that would happen."
...

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