UPJOKE
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Upside Jokes

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

People asked me if it rains upside down in Australia.

I said: "Yes, but down here, we call it evaporation."

Because it’s upside down

Why is this joke Australian?

A man was hanging upside down from a tree

A man was hanging upside down from a tree. His friend saw him and asked him, why are you hanging upside down! The man replied “i just took a tablet for my headache I’m afraid it will go to my stomach”

I tried to read a letter in braille, but I had it upside down.

It was the pits.

I calculated the solution for the baby formula problem, but I got it upside-down.

58008.

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A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...

She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...

He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...

She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...

She goes home to ...

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I tried masturbating upside down last night ...

I don't know what come over me.

Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.

Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message:

370HSSV - 0773H

Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI

No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its mea...

If your rowing boat turns upside down, you can wear it as a hat..

It's capsized.

Two factory workers are talking among themselves.

The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

To which the woman answers, "Just wait and watch."
She hangs herself upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in, takes a look at her and asks, "What are you doing?"...

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

What do you get when you flip a blond upside down?

A brunette with bad breath

My friend struggles a lot with always writing his n's upside-down.

I told him "That sounds like a u problem."

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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i watched porn upside-down

I'm training to be the next Batman

Today I was helping a friend install his fence, but I put in one of the stakes upside down so we had to do it over.

Sorry for the repost.

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My new favorite sex position is called "wow".

It's where I turn your mom upside down.

WOW is an interesting word. WOW spelled backwards is still wow. And WOW upside down is MOM. And MOM upside down is Dad's favorite thing.

No, I'm sorry, that joke was cheap and easy, and so's my mom, and that's why I'm here. No, seriously, I love my mom... And you can, too, for twelve dollars.

What do you call a pineapple upside-down cake in Australia?

A pineapple cake

We were built upside down.

Because our feet smell and our noses run.

Today my life got turned upside down...

ǝɟᴉl ʎɯ

I just can't fit an upside boat on my head, and I just don't know why...

...it was clearly capsized

My girlfriend and I have started eating our breakfast baps upside down.

It's a roll reversal.

I saw an upside down number 6, and I thought...

‘That’s odd’

Why don't ducks fly upside-down?

Because then they would quack up.

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Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?

There is nothing there worth shitting on.

The upside to your parachute not working

You have the rest of your life to fix it!

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I am not sure how I feel about having toast for breakfast.

On the upside, it’s buttered.

On the downside, it isn’t.

How do you make an idiot turn his phone upside down?

˙ǝʞoɾ qɯnp ɐ ɯᴉɥ llǝʇ no⅄

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

What kind of bats swing upside down?

Acro-bats!

(From my 6 year old)

I decided to turn my frown upside down one day.

Now my head is broken.

What do you call a frog hanging upside down?

Mistle-toad.

From google when my son asked for a joke. And I laughed harder than I should hv.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

There is an upside to eating Tide Pods....

It takes the skid marks out of your underwear.

Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave

The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”



“I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.”

What’s the best type of cheese in the upside down?

Demogorgonzola

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

Did you know a kayak can be worn as a hat?

Once you flip it upside down to put on your head, it's capsized!

The one upside to having twins

Deciding how to split child custody during the divorce.

What makes the noise of a cow when you turn it upside down?

A cow.

It took me 2 weeks to realize my calendar was printed upside-down.

What followed was an interesting turn of events.

My highschool bully still takes my lunch money...

But on the upside, he makes great Subway sandwiches!

Is there any upside to living in Switzerland??

The flag is a big plus.

Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat?

You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.

I didn't understand what my wife meant when she told me I was holding the bag of pasta upside down...

Then the Penne dropped

Two Irishmen have a bright idea

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy...

My wife woke me up this morning by smacking me upside the head with a thousand piece jigsaw...

"What the hell did you do that for?" I said, looking puzzled.

On the upside, Oscar Pistorus has had his paralympic classification promoted...

...he's gone from T43 (double below knee amputee) all the way up to T800 (The Terminator).

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Well done to McDonald's for marking International Women's Day by turning their logo upside down...

It looks just like a big dangly pair of tits...

I saw a reddit post teasing Australia about being upside down.

So I went ahead and gave it an Australian upvote.

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The Rorschach Test (Classic)

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex."

The Psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots.

"What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns ...

What dessert do swingers serve at their parties?

Pineapple upside down cake.

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What had a little dick and hangs upside down? (This joke has to be done over the phone)

Caller: What has a little dick and hangs upside down?

Person you call: um...idk

Caller: A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?

Person you call: um...idk

Hang up on person you are calling

I picked up an upside down bag of candy and ate it all in one go.

I just love W&W's.

During wartime, the Philippine flag is flipped upside down so the red part is on top

The same thing is done with the French flag, but instead they remove the red and blue colors

Mussolini goes to hell

Its 1945, and its time for Mussolini to go to Hell

As he arrives near the infernal gates, apart from the "no smoking" sign he also spots an imp with a clipboard and a pen

As he approaches the gate the aforementioned imp says

"Welcome to hell, please state your name and surname...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Why does your blood rush to your head when you're upside down but not to your feet when you're right side up?

Your feet aren't empty.

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25 years of marriage.

So an older couple that has been married for 25 years was driving together to the grocery store. The wife reached over and smacked her husband upside the head.

"What the hell was that for?" he asks.

"That's for 25 years of bad sex!" she replied.

The man thought about it for a w...

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I finally measured my penis today...

Apparently my college girlfriend read the "9" on the ruler upside down.

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Two young boys think it's about time to start swearing.

All of their friends swear, but it's just never been their thing. But tomorrow is the day! They decide to have a sleepover so they can start swearing together.
The morning comes and both boys wake up excitedly and head downstairs to breakfast. The mother asked her son "what would you like for br...

My physics teacher told me that even though I may feel down, that there's always an upside in life

So she pushed me into the pool and begun the lesson on buoyancy.

A woman has just given birth to her child.

The doctor holds the newborn child at both feet, upside down, then slams it three times on the wall. The mother is shocked! The doctor consoles: «April fools! Was already dead!»

With all my high level degrees and PHD's, I stumbled upon these questions......... 1. If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous? 2. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

3. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

4. Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?r>
5. Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

6. Every time you clean something, you just make som...

A mathematician wants more excitement and wants to become a volunteer fireman on the weekends

He goes through the training, and proceeds to take the written final exam.

Question 1: You come across a car that is flipped upside down and on fire with the driver still in it. What do you do?

The mathematician answers with the steps he was taught in training.

Question 2: You ...

Captain, are u sure we're sailing to Italy?

-Of course.
-But the compass is upside down.
-Off course.

Two Irish men are nailing down floorboards

The first man grabs a nail but it is upside down so he tosses it away. He grabs the next nail but it also upside down so he throws that away too. He continues this process until he finds one the right side down.

The second man comes over and say "What the hell are you doing?" The first man re...

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's hol...

Dance

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded around a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,00...

Three men and the Fly that fell in the Scotch they were drinking

A Frenchman, a German and an Irishman were drinking Scotch. Suddenly a fly fell into each man's drink. The Frenchman says, “ I cannot drink this!” The German flicks the fly out and downs his drink. The Irishman reaches into the glass, grabs the fly, turns it upside down over his drink and yells at t...

I didn't think handstands were traumatic.

But I just did one and my whole world was turned upside down.

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An inventor, Liam, builds a humanoid lie detector robot that can slap you if you lie. As with all his inventions, his family will be the first round of test subjects.

At dinner, the inventor asks his son Jimmy about his day.

"I was at Scotts, we were studying for mid-terms."

The robot suddenly springs to life, slapping the son hard upside the head.

"Ow, what the fucking shit?" Jimmy exclaims angrily.

Liam looks at his son with a bemu...

What is the funniest time of day?

7:07 because when you flip it upside down, it says LOL!

This joke was invented by my 8 year old daughter so be nice please :)

How DARE you all make fun of 50 Cent’s weight from last night?!

It took a lot of courage for those two guys to hang upside down on national television!

A man has one day to live.

He’s lying in bed, dying. All of a sudden an amazing smell wafts across the bedroom. His wife had cooked his favorite, strawberry rhubarb pie.

He musters the strength to get to his feet, and slowly exits the bedroom and walks down the stairs, the sweet smell of pie growing ever stronger. He e...

So I was baking a premade pie and the instructions told me to put it in the oven at 180 degrees.

Now I'm left with an upside down pie in an oven.

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little johnny and little susie are working together In a factory

little susie says "you know it's a beautiful day and I don't want to work anymore, I bet you that I can get the boss to give me the day off"
Little johnny says "oh yeah how you going to do that ?"
She says watch this the boss is coming.
she gets up and hangs herself upside down from the r...

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting?

They start painting the m letters upside-down.

How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&M's are protesting really hard?

They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.

Instructions said to preheat oven at 180 degrees

Not sure i'll try this recipe again, turning the oven upside down was a real back breaker...

Helicopter backwards is retpocileH

Helicopter upside down is how Kobe died

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Door # 1, 2 or 3

He went to Hell and expected to be greeted by Satan himself, when an apprentice approached him, saying, "Welcome to Hell =] !!" When he asked about seeing the boss, was told in due time but now he would have to choose one of three doors/rooms where within to spend eternity...

He asked if he c...

Today I watched Spongebob Squarepants while standing on my head

It was a pineapple upside down cake day

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18000 feet

Distress at 18,000 feet.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.
A moment later the tower's landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.
The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone a...

I went on a cruise once, and we were hit by a gigantic wave, and the boat sank.

I woke up on a sugar sand beach, with gigantic cotton candy clouds filling the sky, and the sea glistened under the setting sun like a pool of honey, next to me was a volleyball that looked like a marshmallow. Towering above me was a gigantic volcano that looked like an upside down ice cream cone....

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