The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey you, do you put nail polish on your butt?

'Cause that acetone.

How do nails feel when they are drunk?

Hammered.

It's good to know that in these tough times, there's still someone doing hair, nails, and brows.

The Funeral Director.

Keep going outside for an early appointment.

I bite my nails and it's killing my teeth

I should probably take my shoes off

What did the nail say to the hammer when he got the right answer to the question?

You hit the nail on the head!

Jesus walks into a Inn with 4 nails.....

He asks the Inn keeper
"Is this enough to put me up for the night?"

Only after Jesus was nailed to a cross

He became truly holey.

Whats the difference between my girlfriend and a nail

Only one calls the police if I hit it with a hammer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’ve dated a twin once. People always asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple. Ashley painted her nails pink

and Michael had a penis.

A man was attacked by a guy with an upholstery nail gun.

He's okay. He's recovered now.

Jesu‌‌s onc‌‌e sai‌‌d "H‌‌e wh‌‌o live‌‌s b‌‌y th‌‌e sword‌‌, wil‌‌l di‌‌e b‌‌y th‌‌e sword"

H‌‌e wa‌‌s ‌‌a carpente‌‌r tha‌‌t die‌‌d b‌‌y bein‌‌g naile‌‌d t‌‌o ‌‌a piec‌‌e o‌‌f wood‌‌, s‌‌o h‌‌e migh‌‌t hav‌‌e ha‌‌d ‌‌a point.

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it.

You never know when you might need a nail.

I’m going to have to clip my finger nails soon...

There getting out of hand

What does nail polish and panties have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

None if the nail art tutorials on youtube are good

All the thumbnails look trashy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to nail a job interview

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.


A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drunk tried i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four soldiers are in a public bathroom...

An American soldier steps away from the urinal, turns on the water, uses five or six pumps or soap to wash his hands and takes a big wad of paper towels to dry them. He says to the others, "in the US Army, we are taught to use what we have to to get the job done".

A German soldier backs away ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.

The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again.

 

His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!”

 

“Well,” Teddy replies, “today when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.

A Pinoy dies and goes to hell...

A Pinoy (Filipino) dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks "What do they do here?" He is told, "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the...

Nail salons closed, hair salons closed...

It's about to get ugly out there.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

I have this great joke about construction

I'm still working on it

Got to hammer out a few kinks

Make sure to nail the delivery

I just don't want to screw it up

How do you torture a carpenter?

Rip out his nails

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman is flying around the world, bored out of his mind, looking for some excitement...

As he zips past the beaches of Brazil, he looks down and sees Wonder Woman, completely naked, legs spread, laying on her back catching a tan.

At that moment, he thinks to himself how long it’s been since he last got laid. He then says to himself, “I’m Superman! I can fly down there in a split...

A bent nail, a battery, and jumper cables walk in to a bar.

The bent nail goes up to the bar and orders a round of shots for him and his buddies.

"I can't serve you." Says the bartender.

"Why not?" Asked the nail with frustration in his voice.

The bartender responds: "Because you look hammered and your friends look like they are trying...

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

Some guy called me a tool.

So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

Say what you want about the crucification of Jesus...

...but they absolutely nailed it.

What is Jesus's favourite gun?

A nail gun.

Did you know that to make a crib that meets Federal standards, it takes at least 763 nails?

But it only takes one screw to fill it.

You can tell a lot about a man by how he takes care of his nails

Some keep them in a storage container, in a can, or just lying open in a drawer.

An Indian man dies and goes to hell ...

An Indian man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that each country has a separate hell and one may opt to sign up for any of them.

He goes first to the German hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' He is told, 'First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a be...

What is Jesus’s least favorite type of gun?

A nail gun.





Ohhh... that’s in bad taste.

An old "Dad Joke" from my collection that my son just retold tonight and nailed it. I've officially passed the torch.

A doctor is driving home along a lonely road when a rabbit suddenly bolted in front of his car. The doctor tried his best to stop, but it wasn't possible.

He immediately pulled the car to the side and got out to see if he could help the poor bunny. It didn't look good. He raced back to the ca...

What did one nail technician say to the other after a customer walked out over a $1 price increase?

Man, he petty

My friend nailed some beef to the ceiling and told me to slap it

I told him no

The steaks were too high

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got any bread?

A duck walks…waddles into a pub. Goes up to the bar and says, “Got any bread?”

The barman says, “No - we don’t sell bread. Only beers, wines, spirits and soft drinks.” and the duck leaves.

The next day, the exact same thing. “Got any bread?” says the duck.

“No”, replies the barm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

I tried carpentry once. I started by trying to nailing some old, reclaimed wood together. I wasn't successful so instead I just though...

Screw it.

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

I told a joke about my massive ego.

Nailed it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dinner at the girlfriends house

Ted buys a harley. The seller tells him, "whenever it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome so it won't rust." And he hands Ted a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. So they take the bike. But just before they go in, She says: "I have to tell you When...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Got any bread?”

The Bartender says “No”


The duck asks again, “Got any bread?”
Again the Bartender says “No”


On and on
“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“Got any bread?”
“No”


“G...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First Time Teacher

Day 1 of home schooling


0800  opened school website to get assignments.


0900  found where assignments were hidden on the website.


0915  called school to have the website explained.


0930  called school again.


0945  Had wife call school ...

Jesus

Churches should use a picture of Jesus rather than a statue cause it would require only one nail.

Duck upsets Bartender

A Duck walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “No, sorry. I don’t have bread.”
Duck walks out of the bar.
The next day, the Duck walks back into the bar, goes up to the bartender, and asks: “Got any bread?”
Bartender says: “Ugh, no, I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The International Council of Man Laws

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When sh...

There was a short period of time in ancient history when offenders were not only nailed to a cross, but also burned alive

Fortunately, the practice ended and very few people were crucifried

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In church they tell you not to drink or have premarital sex

Yet Jesus got hammered and nailed in a single weekend.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail down the other hand.

A fat old man looks at himself in the mirror.

His insecurity rises. He’s not the same man he once was. He’s an old chunk of coal. Why, in high school he was a major athlete- the football type. All the girls wanted him and everyone respected him. He was a hunk. As he stared into this mirror now a some odd fifty years later- the juxtaposition of ...

A dark one for y'all

"Mommy, Mommy, why do I always go 'round in
circles?"
"Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

The planet earth can't possibly be flat.

If it was cats would have pushed everything not nailed down off the edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 dogs are at the vet. They ask the chihuahua what he’s there for...

“I’m a biter. I bite kids. I bite my mom. I bite the TV cords. I bite anything. The last straw was when I bit my owners kid. I have to get anxiety medication.”

They then ask the blue heeler what he’s in for

“I’m a pooper. I poop in the kitchen. I poop in the road on walks. I pooped on ...

A man was driving on the highway when suddenly he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the truck front of him.

Seconds later, a police officer pulled him over for reckless driving. As the officer was writing the ticket, the driver noticed that the box he'd avoided had been full of nails and tacks.

"I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tires!" he protested.

"Okay," replied t...

What's the difference between a hooker and jesus?

The look on their face when you're nailing them.

Jesus walks into a hotel

He sets a handful of nails on the counter and says he'd like to be put up for the night.

A man is sitting in the waiting room of a hospital.

He is visibly nervous. Can't stop biting his nails. He's sweating like a pig. Finally, a doctor comes to greet him.

"Your wife is doing okay, sir. Congratulations: you just became a father."

The man has never been so happy in his whole life.
"Actually, sir" says the doctor, "there h...

A duck walks into a grocery store...

The duck says to the cashier, "Excuse me sir, do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier responds, "Sorry, we don't carry duct tape."

The duck leaves, comes back a little later, approaches the same cashier and asks, "Do you have any duct tape?"

The cashier replies, "Are you deaf? N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke translated from Romanian

Two policemen were sitting in the office. One of them kept sniffing and tasting his nails.

The second one asked, „What are you doing?“.

„I am trying to figure out if this thing under my nails is shit or mud.“

The second one said, „Let me see!“ and proceeded to taste it. „It‘s de...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I cringed as my finger tore through the toilet paper,

And i felt the warmth of fresh shit under my finger nail.


Sometimes i really hate my job and this damn nursing home.

TIL Tom Petty had a brother that owned his own nail salon

Manny Petty

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

When your only tool is a hammer..

all problems start looking like nails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[dirty one] One day this carpenter had a accident at work where he lost his arm.

Luckily his brother worked with robotics.. and gave him a voice response robotic arm to help him out.

After a few week the carpenter went back to work and began with simple commands.

*'Hammer!' The arm reacted and started hammering nails never missing a nail.*

*'Saw!' The arm re...

My family always thought I was a necrophile...

When they found me in my cousin's casket, that was really the nail in the coffin.

What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to three trees.

The 7 Dwarfs are having their after work drink

And in walks the Pope for a nightly glass of wine. Dopey walks up to the Pope and tugs on his robes...the Pope looks down at Dopey and asks what he wants. Dopey says...Mr. Pope Sir, can I ask you a question? The Pope says yes...so Dopey asks if there are any small sized Nuns in the Vatican? And the ...

A man dies and goes to hell.

There the devil tells him that there are different hells. He goes around checking to find the least painful one.

First, he comes to the American hell. He asks the devil what is the punishment. The devil replies, "You have to lay on a bed of nails for 12 hours and then the American devil will ...

Stop running around In circles...

...or I’ll nail your other foot to the floor!

Source: My dad

A groom is standing at the alter with his best man

Looking out at the crowd of people gathered for the wedding, the groom whispers to the best man "you know except for my wife-to-be, my two sisters, my aunt and my mom, I must have nailed every woman here!" The best man whispers back between us, we've done the whole room!"

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was once in a relationship with twins.

Whenever someone would ask me how can I tell the difference. l said it is very easy: Jennifer always painted her nails in red and George has a dick.

What do you call a nail salon in a gentrified area?

White Claw.

I tried to make a joke about crucifixion...

...but it landed on it's face....I just couldn't nail it right.

A guy was nailing his interview

A guy was nailing his interview when the employer said "well you look great but I see here there was a 7 year gap since your last job, what happened there?".

The guy says "oh I went to yale".

The employer: "oh great!! Well you're hired, you start monday"

Guy: "Yay! I got a yob!"

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Google really does spy on us

This is why I don't trust smartphones. My friend and I were talking about repairing his roof over the next week, because the recent storm took off a few portions. The next day I saw advertisements all over Facebook telling me there are hot shingles in my area looking to get nailed.

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

People criticize the Roman that had to crucify Jesus...

...but I think he nailed it.

A huge crowd gathered as Jesus was nailed to the cross. As Jesus surveyed the crowd, he saw St. Perer at the back.

He started to call to him, “Peter, Peter”.

Peter tried to get the crowd. Pushing people as he went. “I’m coming Lord,” shouted Peter as he worked his wash through the crowd. Eventually he reached the foot of Jesus’ cross, and asked, “What is it, Lord?”

And Jesus said, “I can see you...

Why is Jesus holy?

Because of the nails.

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus and a parrot

There was once a man who had bought an incredibly intelligent European parrot.
He thought, hell, it's so intelligent he could give it some chores. He thought the most efficient way to make the parrot obedient is to threaten it; saying that if it disobeys him, he'll nail it right next to Jesus Ch...

Why did the Romans nailing Jesus to a cross lead to Christianity being the world's most believed religeon?

They made him hole-y

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.