What do panties and nail polish have in common?

Both come off with alcohol

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Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blended Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.<...

Jesus knew that when you are kind to people, people are kind to you. So he said: "May I hand you a nail?" and the Roman soldier replied

"May I nail you a hand?"

A duck waddled into a country grocery store and asked the clerk; "Do you sell duck food?".

"Of course not," replied the clerk, "We sell groceries to humans, not ducks."

The next day, the duck returned and asked again, "Do you sell duck food?"

Annoyed, the clerk snapped, "No! No duck food!"

When the duck returned the next day and posed the same question, the clerk thre...

What do you call a nail salon in a gentrified area?

White Claw.

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I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People kept asking me how I could tell them apart. Easy.

Jill paints her nails purple. John has a dick.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.

My choir instructor once told me that the wider your thumbnail is the deeper your voice. I came to believe it to be true until one day I met a gentleman with damn near rectangular nails. To my dismay he ended up having a very high voice.

There's really nothing worse than a misleading thumbnail.

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

I'm Vietnamese and if I got a nickel for every time someone asked me if I do nails...

I wouldn't have to do nails anymore.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)



One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds, 'Carrots? T...

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one screw to fill it.

What do you call a small nail hole?

A Brad Pit.

How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

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Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

What do a snowstorm in Florida, a hula hoop with a nail in it, and the USS Adams have in common?

They're all navel destroyers.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

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There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.

When you get new tires and accidentally drive over a pile of nails the next day..

The struggle is wheel.

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

Jesus walks into a hotel...hands the innkeeper three nails and asks...

Can you put me up for the night?

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"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

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If only all antivaxxers would step on a rusty nail.

That would force them to shut their fucking mouths.

Why didn't Jesus ever get his nails painted?

He had a hard time getting them out from the cross.

Eric & Don Jr were building a house & Eric was throwing away every second nail

Don Jr: "What the hell is wrong with these nails?"
Eric: "The fvcking heads are on the wrong end"
Don Jr: "You idiot! These are for the other side of the house"

Why do women have sharper nails?

Because they're trying to make a point.

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Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

Two swedes were building a house. One of them threw half if the nails in the garbage.

The other swede wondered why he was doing that, and the first swede answered: "the point and the blunt side are switched on half of the nails so I cant hammer them in!" The other swede answered: "you idiot, they are for the other side of the house"


Btw this is a norwegian"svenskevits" whi...

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "do you have any fish?"
The bartender replies, "No fish mate sorry."
"Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."

The duck walks into the bar the next day. "Got any fish?" he asks the bartender again. "No, same as yesterday!" replie...

Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...

...which explains why I wanna nail her.

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

What's the similarities between my wife and a nail?

I can't unscrew either of them.

What’s Jesus’s favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

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Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman sold...

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A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

Why do nails bang their heads?

Because they're metal.

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Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off.

What do you call a dinosaur that sat on a nail?

A stego-sore-ass.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth...

I just clipped the worst ingrown toe-nail...

It was a feet.

What's the difference between a screw, a bolt and a nail?

I have never been bolted.

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

I stepped on a nail the other day

I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point

Pennywise should have been killed with a nail gun

Then those kids would really have nailed it

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My friend is sexualily atracted to jesus









he said he wanted to nail him

From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.

He finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?'
... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour....

I’d tell you a Jesus joke,

But I doubt I’d nail it.

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

What's the worst thing about a dull nail?

It's pointless!

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When it comes to sex, I'm like a nail.

Never getting screwed.

Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

What's Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need:
"We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever bra...

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall...

So I said, "Screw it!"

I like my girls like my nails

Hammered

A penguin walks into a bar...

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, we do not serve plums." The penguin says thanks and leaves. The next day the penguin returns and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, once again, we do not serve pl...

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Earl was an airplane pilot with many years of experience.

Now Earl always had a dream: to try to do a loop-de-loop with a Boeing 747.
So on his last flight before his retirement, he told the passengers
"Hello, this is your captain Earl speaking. For many years, I wanted to try to do a loop-de-loop with a plane, and today is my last flight before re...

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