"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat.

The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."

It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one screw to fill it.

I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

What do a snowstorm in Florida, a hula hoop with a nail in it, and the USS Adams have in common?

They're all navel destroyers.

What does a woman's underwear and nail polish both have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

Three nails walk up to a bar,

Two are standing next to each other, the third is in a wooden board. The bouncer says "you two can come in, but your buddy in the board there was to stay outside". Incredulous the two nails demand to know why.

The bouncer just shrugs and says "Well he's clearly already hammered".

I was going to nail a shelf to my wall, but then I thought...

Screw it!

Apparently me wearing makeup, having long nails, ans dyed hair make me unattractive to guys on Reddit

Thank God

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If only all antivaxxers would step on a rusty nail.

That would force them to shut their fucking mouths.

I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

Jesus walks into a hotel...hands the innkeeper three nails and asks...

Can you put me up for the night?

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

Why didn't Jesus ever get his nails painted?

He had a hard time getting them out from the cross.

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Why do women have sharper nails?

Because they're trying to make a point.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

A nail walks into a bar...

“What would you like?” The bartender asked.

And so the nail ordered many drinks. After a great many drinks the bartender went to approach the nail again and advice him to go home. To his surprise the nail was nowhere to be seen. Naturally, the bartender leaned over the counter to see the nail...

Two swedes were building a house. One of them threw half if the nails in the garbage.

The other swede wondered why he was doing that, and the first swede answered: "the point and the blunt side are switched on half of the nails so I cant hammer them in!" The other swede answered: "you idiot, they are for the other side of the house"


Btw this is a norwegian"svenskevits" whi...

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

What's the similarities between my wife and a nail?

I can't unscrew either of them.

Two nails

A mathematician is tasked with removing two nails from a wall. One of the nails has been hammered all the way into the wall, the other only halfway. The mathematician thinks the nail that's completely embedded looks like a more interesting challenge and starts working on that one. Using tongs, a cro...

What’s Jesus’s favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

A farmer buys a rooster to service his 200 hens. When he gets the rooster into the barnyard, he tells him, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Have fun, but take your time."

The farmer points him toward the henhouse and the rooster takes off like a shot.

WHAM! Randy nails every hen in the henhouse, three or four times. Randy runs out and sees a flock of geese down by the lake. WHAM! He nails all the geese. Randy runs to the pigpen, the cow pasture -- soon, he's b...

Why do nails bang their heads?

Because they're metal.

Eric & Don Jr were building a house & Eric was throwing away every second nail

Don Jr: "What the hell is wrong with these nails?"
Eric: "The fvcking heads are on the wrong end"
Don Jr: "You idiot! These are for the other side of the house"

Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:

"Have you found Jesus?"

"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...

...which explains why I wanna nail her.

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman sold...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "do you have any fish?"
The bartender replies, "No fish mate sorry."
"Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."

The duck walks into the bar the next day. "Got any fish?" he asks the bartender again. "No, same as yesterday!" replie...

A duck walks into a 7-11 and waddles up to the clerk...

"Do you have any grapes?", the duck asks. The clerk tells the duck that no, they don't sell grapes because they are not a supermarket and to try somewhere else. The duck thanks the man and waddles out.


The next day, the duck comes back and waddles up to the counter and asks the same man...

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

Pennywise should have been killed with a nail gun

Then those kids would really have nailed it

I just clipped the worst ingrown toe-nail...

It was a feet.

What do you call a dinosaur that sat on a nail?

A stego-sore-ass.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horse walks into a bar...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward. The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to sa...

I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth...

What's Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When it comes to sex, I'm like a nail.

Never getting screwed.

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

I stepped on a nail the other day

I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

Price of 2x4's : 9$. Price of some nails: 3.50$. Price of a hammer:15$

The world after a Crucifixion: Christless.

What's the worst thing about a dull nail?

It's pointless!

I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall...

So I said, "Screw it!"

Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need:
"We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever bra...

I was in shop class in high school and my teacher had a nail, a bolt, and a screw in his hand...

... He asked us if we knew the difference between them. A girl raised her hand and said, "Well, I've never been bolted."

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

Someone sent me some wood, nails, a saw and a hammer in the post

I don't know what to make of it

Dad: Why are your nails painted two different colors?

Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color.

Dad: ...

Dad: Can I hear it?

2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"

The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

Communist hell

A lifelong member of the communist party dies and goes to hell. Upon arrival, hes told we can give you a choice. You can go to capitalist hell or Communist hell. Having been a communist his whole life, he decides to see what the capitalist hell would look like. He goes and sees people undergoing ...

What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?

Jesus

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grape...

If a Hammerhead Shark met a Nail Tail Whale..

Would they..Hit it off?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American golfer is asked to compete in a tournament in Japan

As soon as he gets there he starts partying as he has a few days to spare until the tournament begins. He starts dancing with an absolutely stunning Japanese girl and decides that despite the fact she speaks no English at all he's going to try and get her to sleep with him, they start kissing as the...

I found a Justin Bieber concert ticket nailed to a tree, so I took it...

...You never know when you might need a nail.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So three people are sentenced to death by guillotine.

First comes the bartender. The executioner asks if he has any last words, and the bartender exclaims "free drinks for all if God spares me!" The executioner pulls the lever and the blade stops before touching the bartender. The crowd considers this an act of God and successfully demand the bartender...

A Duck walks into a Bar

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got any bread?

Barman: No, and if you keep asking, I'll nail your beak to the bar.

Duck: Got any nails?

Barman: No.

Duck: Got...

Nail advert

There was once a family run nail manufacturing company. One day, the father asked his son to create a poster advert for their company in an effort to attract new business.

A week later, the son shows his father the poster, which depicted Jesus on the cross with a caption that read "Guarantee...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Best joke that I tell...got it from this sub over a year ago

A young American tourist just arrived in the Irish Countryside for vacation.

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He steps into the nearest pub for a pint, and sits down near this old haggard man.

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The old man looks over at the Tourist and says:

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"Young man,...

How do you stop a baby crawling around in circles?

Nail it's other hand to the floor as well.

If the Mexicans are taking all of the jobs, then why do Koreans still rule the nail salons?

Because Tu is better than Juan.