How can you avoid hitting your fingers when you drive in a nail with a hammer ?

Hold the hammer with both hands.

Champion Nails is in trouble.....

Stan owns Champion nails the company. Sales are well down. One night he meets an old friend in the local pub. (Its a nice old pub, with a lovely barmaid with a beautiful rack, and hops and things hanging everywhere). Anyway, Stan is telling his old friend - Chester, how things are not going well and...

A nail company name Nail Bay hired a publicity agency for a new video ad...

After 2 weeks they asked for a meeting to show the new video.

The video started with an aerial take from the desert and kept zooming into a tiny black spot, which as the zooms keep going is a cross with Jesus nailed on it.

Right after this , the screen goes black and the company logo i...

What do panties an nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol

What’s the similarity between girls into nail art and Germans?

Both remove polish with chemicals.

"He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword" said Jesus

the carpenter who was nailed to some wood

Do you file your nails?

I throw mine away.

The NRA asked what Jesus's favorite gun would be, and I said "a nail gun."

I don't know why they got so offended. Jesus was a carpenter.

A rabbit walks into a butcher shop

(All credit to Eddie Izzard, who told this joke at the end of his Wunderbar show here recently and who left us in stitches with his delivery of it.)

​

One morning, a rabbit walks into a butcher shop and says, 'Hello, sir. Do you have any carrots?'

The barber responds,...

After 40 years my grandma has finally gotten my grandpa to stop biting his nails.

She’s hidden his teeth.

What do you call a small nail hole?

A Brad Pit.

I'm Vietnamese and if I got a nickel for every time someone asked me if I do nails...

I wouldn't have to do nails anymore.

What’s the difference between Jesus and a painting of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the painting.

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I once dated a girl with a twin

People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and bob had a cock

A nail walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat.

The bartender says "okay, but no getting hammered."

Yo mama is so fat she deep fries her fingers before she bites her nails.

Random text here because in all honesty, who opens "yo mamma" jokes anymore?

There was a very religious man that bought a nail factory

When the factory was about to open he hired a marketing guy to make a TV commercial, his only instruction was that it had to have a catholic theme. A few days go past and the guy returns with the video to show the factory owner. The video starts: there's a Roman soldier nailing Jesus, who is all blo...

It takes many nails to build a crib...

But only one screw to fill it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two hillbilies are hanging out when one notices that the other is chewing his nails. He asks why he's doing it,

and the second hillbilly replies that he wants to check whether the dirt under his nails is mud or shit.

The first hillbilly offers to help, tastes it, and immediately spits it out.

'Ugh, it tastes like shit!' - says the first hillbilly.

'Yeah i was wondering why there would be...

I’m worried about my finger nails lately.

They are really getting out of hand.

It’s been 10 years since I quit bitting my nails.

Once I hit my mid twenties I was no longer flexible enough to reach my toes.

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and a hooker?

The expression on their face when they get nailed

Why do they nail coffins shut?

To stop oncologists from ordering another round of chemo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a wealthy Jew who owned a nail company. His only son had just graduated from college and the father wanted to get him involved in the company.

He initially farmed the young man out to each of the departments; first research & development, then manufacturing, then sales, and in each the son was a dismal failure. Determined to find a place for his offspring, the father decided that his son needed his own project.

So the father pla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If only all antivaxxers would step on a rusty nail.

That would force them to shut their fucking mouths.

What do a snowstorm in Florida, a hula hoop with a nail in it, and the USS Adams have in common?

They're all navel destroyers.

When you get new tires and accidentally drive over a pile of nails the next day..

The struggle is wheel.

I read this really intense book about a metal contraption that clips off parts of the body...

It was truly a nailbiter.

Jesus walks into a hotel...hands the innkeeper three nails and asks...

Can you put me up for the night?

I just accidentally shot my wife in the hand with a nail gun...

Well, that's what she gets for covering her eyes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I slept with a pair of 18 year old twins last night!" - said a young man to his best mate. 'Wow, awesome!' replied his mate. "How could you tell them apart?". "Easy, Janet paints her nails red..."

"... and Bob has a cock".

Why didn't Jesus ever get his nails painted?

He had a hard time getting them out from the cross.

Why do women have sharper nails?

Because they're trying to make a point.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus must have been a real shitty carpenter

He couldn't pull out a nail to save his life

Eric & Don Jr were building a house & Eric was throwing away every second nail

Don Jr: "What the hell is wrong with these nails?"
Eric: "The fvcking heads are on the wrong end"
Don Jr: "You idiot! These are for the other side of the house"

A bolt is in love with a nail fixed in a wall on the opposite side of the room...

The feeling doesn't seem to be mutual, so the bolt decides to compliment it and shouts to the nail, "Hey stud!"

"Ugh, screw off!"

Needless to say, the bolt won't be getting nailed tonight.

Two swedes were building a house. One of them threw half if the nails in the garbage.

The other swede wondered why he was doing that, and the first swede answered: "the point and the blunt side are switched on half of the nails so I cant hammer them in!" The other swede answered: "you idiot, they are for the other side of the house"


Btw this is a norwegian"svenskevits" whi...

Why do Lakers fans trim their nails with scissors?

Because they hate Clippers.

What's the similarities between my wife and a nail?

I can't unscrew either of them.

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

What do women's panties and nail polish have in common?

They both come off with alcohol.

Two nails

A mathematician is tasked with removing two nails from a wall. One of the nails has been hammered all the way into the wall, the other only halfway. The mathematician thinks the nail that's completely embedded looks like a more interesting challenge and starts working on that one. Using tongs, a cro...

Next time someone asks you if you have found Jesus:

"Have you found Jesus?"

"Damnit, did you guys lose him again? Seriously, start using bigger nails."

What’s Jesus’s favorite band?

Nine Inch Nails

Today I met this amazing girl. She was kind, caring, loving. She was like the female Jesus...

...which explains why I wanna nail her.

Why do nails bang their heads?

Because they're metal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus on the cross..

After a brutal and tough day carrying the cross up Golgatha, the Romans nailed Jesus with no remorse to the heavy wooden structure. Golgatha was a grand hill, and as the cross was raised Jesus looked down upon all those gathered before him.

He saw his wonderful mother Mary.
He saw gods chi...

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

A duck walks into a bar

A duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "do you have any fish?"
The bartender replies, "No fish mate sorry."
"Okay" says the duck, "I'll have a pie and a pint."

The duck walks into the bar the next day. "Got any fish?" he asks the bartender again. "No, same as yesterday!" replie...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Wilson's Nails.
"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."
A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson. He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman sold...

My wife asked me if there was an interesting alternative to using screws or nails as fasteners.

I told her yes... and it's riveting.

What does a woman with a missing finger get at the nail salon?

10% off.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vagina is like a tin roof

If you don't nail it enough it will end up at the neighbors.

Gonzales Nails

The Gonzales company was trying to market their new carpenters nails, and they were thinking about what kind of commercial they should run. One of them says "let's start with an image of Jesus on the cross, and the camera can zoom in on the nails, and our logo then comes up at the bottom!". The oth...

A duck walks into a 7-11 and waddles up to the clerk...

"Do you have any grapes?", the duck asks. The clerk tells the duck that no, they don't sell grapes because they are not a supermarket and to try somewhere else. The duck thanks the man and waddles out.


The next day, the duck comes back and waddles up to the counter and asks the same man...

I just clipped the worst ingrown toe-nail...

It was a feet.

What do you call a dinosaur that sat on a nail?

A stego-sore-ass.

What musical group is Jesus most afraid of?

Nine Inch Nails

I've heard that if all you have is a hammer, then everything looks like a nail.

So I'm going to start carrying a speculum.

I stepped on a nail the other day

I was going to avoid it but I didn't see the point

What's Jesus' favorite gun?

A nail gun

What's the worst thing about a dull nail?

It's pointless!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When it comes to sex, I'm like a nail.

Never getting screwed.

What's the difference between a screw, a bolt and a nail?

I have never been bolted.

Why is it that when a guy nails a ton of girls, he's called a stud...

...but when he nails a ton of studs, he's in construction?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If every joke happened in the same universe...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "why the long face?" The horse stands there, staring blankly at the bartender. Everyone starts to feel a little awkward.
The horse's handler comes in and leads it out, but not before it's knocked over a couple of glasses and soiled itself. Needless to...

What did the athlete say after a perfect hammer toss?

"Nailed it."

Wilson Nails

There's a man named Wilson who owns a nail company, Wilson Nails. Business had been slow lately, so Wilson figures he might want to try putting out a television commercial to drum up some business.

He goes to an advertising agency and meets a man named Gary who assures him he can make the per...

Price of 2x4's : 9$. Price of some nails: 3.50$. Price of a hammer:15$

The world after a Crucifixion: Christless.

A company that sells nails decides to start advertising their product...

Their CEO goes to an ad agency to inquire about creating a large billboard downtown. He meets with an account executive and explains his need:
"We have a good business, but I just feel like most people have never heard of us. They just go down to one of these big box stores and buy whatever bra...

Antivax mothers all over think that their children are safe because of believing in Jesus.

And like Jesus, their children could die because of a rusty nail.

Did you hear about the nun that bites her nails?

You can say she has a bad habit.

I kept hitting my fingers while trying to nail a sign to my wall...

So I said, "Screw it!"

What happens when a carpenter drinks with his wife?

He gets hammered and she gets nailed.

I like my girls like my nails

Hammered

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Buddhist Monk Goes to a Church

He walks up to the door of the church and nails an advertisement to the door.

The next day the Buddhist monk walks back to the church, only to find that his advertisement has been removed. He takes out another advertisement out of his bag, and promptly affixes it to the door with a nail.
...

Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees.

You've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

They're pretty good at it.

Dad: Why are your nails painted two different colors?

Daughter: Dad. It's an accent color.

Dad: ...

Dad: Can I hear it?

A man walks in a bar and asks the bartender

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : Humm, no, we don't

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : No, we don't have bananas here

Man : Do you have bananas?

Bartender : NO, we don't
...

A penguin walks into a bar...

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, we do not serve plums." The penguin says thanks and leaves. The next day the penguin returns and asks the bartender "do you have any plums?" The bartender replies "no, once again, we do not serve pl...

A parrot gets in a bar

Do you guys have any peanuts?

\-no sorry we don't have some

The next day, the parrot gets in again

\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?

\-No we still don't

The next day

\-Do you guys have any peanuts ?

\-No we don't and if you come annoy me one more time ...

2 blondes are hammering nails into the side of a garage...

One of them has a problem. She holds each nail in place, but ends up tossing every other one on the ground. Finally she says "Hey, half of these nails are bad - the sharp end is pointing away from the wall!"

The other blonde replied "You idiot, those are for other side of the building!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the ...

What do you call a carpenter who needs fewer nails?

Jesus

Don’t own it but kept hearing it when I was young

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grape...