A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hand...

Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

What do you call motor oil from Cuba?

Fidel Castrol

"Optimist" is a person, who keeps his car's motor running...

...while his wife goes shopping.

An Ukrainian immigrant in USA went to the Motor Vehicles Registry

An Ukrainian immigrant in USA went to the Motor Vehicles Registry (Department of Motor Vehicles or Secretary of State in some states) to apply for a driver's license. He had to take an eye test.The clerk shows him a card with the letters:

C Z W I X N O S T A C Z

"Can you read this?" th...

Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."...

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike.

While taking a shortcut through a dark part of the park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and even the Motorbike, but couldn’t find any jewellery from the girl.

When the muggers had gone, the father asked his daughter, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A General wants to reserve a Jeep from the motor pool.

A general wants to reserve a jeep from the motor pool. His assistant is out so he makes the call himself.

"Motor pool"

"Hello, yes, I'd like to reserve a jeep for General Franklin"

"Well it better be a big jeep if fatass Franklin wants to go for a ride in it."

The General...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Who is calling?

The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational.

Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."

There was a stony silence for a second ...

A friend bet me that I couldn't turn spaghetti into a motor vehicle

She was really mad when I drove pasta

A man is facing trial for a motor vehicle theft.

Judge: "This is a serious charge, young man. How do you plead to these allegations?"



*The man whispers something quietly to his lawyer*



Lawyer: Are... Are you sure?



Man: Yes, absolutely.



Lawyer: "Your honor, the defendant would like to ple...

Have you heard about the new French tank? It had fourteen motors.

13 go in reverse.


The last one goes forward, in case the enemy attacks from behind.

We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It's for Autumnmobiles

Did you hear the one about the car that miraculously drives itself without having a motor?

I have no idea how that one goes.

If you want to be a General Motors engineer, your memory needs to be perfect.

You have to recall everything.

A penguin is driving his car

A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides t...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

For Sale: Starter motor for Perpetual Motion Machine.

Only used once.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

General Motors finally solved their workplace diversity dilemma

There are equal numbers of black, white, brown, red, yellow, and orange robots. Half the robots have penises drawn on them.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Motor company acronyms

How many do you know? Here's what I've got
Mitsubishi-

Maybe
I'll
Trick
Some
Ugly
Bitch
Into
Some
Hot
Intercourse

Fiat-

Fix
It
Again
Tony

Mercury-

Many
Expensive
Repairs
Costs
Us
Ridiculous
Y...

A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency

looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise conce...

There was once a little boy

For his 2nd birthday he was given a little tractor with pedals. He loved it so much that it started an obsession with tractors.

By his fourth birthday, he already had 30 tractors of different sizes and colours.

As soon as he learnt how to read, he started filling his shelves in his bed...

How do you advertise a motor home?

A trailer

A former proctologist was getting tired of his job and the relentless teasing of his friends...

...so he decided to explore the field of auto mechanics.

He went to an auto trade school to get certified and generally excelled at everything. After a lengthy time, the day of his final certification test finally arrived. The former proctologist conducted the hands-on practical and then ea...

A sanguine tale

Jake and Ruth were blood analysts in a hospital. Given the proximity of the hospital to the highway, really gruesome motor accidents were quite common. So the hospital decided to house a huge supply of blood for emergencies, and these two were employed full time to analyse blood which they got, and ...

Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.

One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest with...

A man dies and arrives at the gates of heaven.

St Peter welcomes him with "this is the gate to eternal happiness, to enter you must tell me a selfless action you did in your life on earth."

The man thinks for a while and replies "Well there was this one time... this kid knocked over some motor cycles and a group of angry drunken bikers c...

I’ve got an old project car that I named after my wife.

I haven’t turned her on in years, now it usually takes a garage full of men to get her motor running.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I didn't make this 4 years ago. This might not be the worst joke. I'm posting again for the ones who read the original by the original poster...this is my version to pay homage

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-known porn star, and the other is a lazy ass. Lazy ass doesn't have a job and just likes to sit around the house. One Sunday, the porn star is angry and thirsty. He decides to make the brother do something useful....

My grandad didn’t report his symptoms

He didn’t report his symptoms of motor neurone disease for 5 months... he didn’t have the nerve to say anything...

A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in

One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.

“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, sa...

A 97 year-old man marries a 28 year old woman...

2 weeks after the honeymoon, his wife gets pregnant. The doctor asked,
"You're ninety seven years old! How do you do it?"

The man replies, "You just gotta keep that motor turning."

A year later, the mans wife is pregnant again. The doctor asks,

"You're ninety eight years old...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Men’s Helpline

Men's Help Line
"Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up.
She goes out with 'the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was crossing the countryside in his car.

He had already been on the road for some time and he had a good way still to go when his motor hiccuped and died, and refused to start again.

The man popped the hood open and spent a few moments just cursing about the situation and trying to fix the engine, but he was no mechanic, so it seeme...

Russians have General Winter

Americans have General Motors

[repost] The captain called the sergeant in....

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’s mother died yesterday.

Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men,” says the sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Will I Live to see 80?

Will I Live to see 80?

Here's something to think about.

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, He
said I was doing fairly well for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

A Lada owner comes to Mercedes service

A few years after the collapse of USSR a poor Russian bloke brings his old Lada to a recently opened Mercedes service centre. He takes all of his savings from the pocket, around $100, and tells them that he would love to have some genuine Mercedes parts installed in his Lada. He knows he can't affor...

The top salesman

A young man moves into the city and goes to a big mall to look for a job.

Manager: Do you have any experience as a salesman?

Young man: Of course, where I come from, I was always the top Salesman.

The manager likes the self confidence of the man and gives him the job. The first...

Possibly the worst joke of all time.

What do you call a motor's ear?

An engineer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Jew says...

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were in a discussion during a dinner.

Catholic: “I have a large fortune… I am going to buy Citibank!”

Protestant: “I am very wealthy and will buy General Motors!”

Muslim: “I am a fabulously rich prince… I intend to purchase Microso...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I don't know what to do.

"I don't know what to do." a prospect says to a patch holder one night at the club bar. "Whenever I go out with the bros, I turn off my headlight, cut off the motor, and coast into the driveway. I take off my clothes in the bathroom, and then ease into bed, but my old lady wakes up and starts bitchi...

An American, a South-African and a Korean are on a plane.

After a malfunction in one of the motors, the plane is forced to make an emergency landing. The plane crashes into the ocean, a few hundred metres from a remote island. Only the American, the South-African and the Korean survives.

All three swim to the island, and it quickly becomes clear tha...

A gynecologist decided to become a mechanic...

He graduated mechanic school with a 5.2 gpa and asked his teacher how that was possible.

The teacher said "Well, you aced the written exam thats half. Then you reassembled the motor perfectly, and we had to give you the extra credit when you did it all through the Muffler"!

A car broke down on a Native Reservation...

...so the driver got out to see what was going on. He lifted the hood, looked in, and noticed there was something wrong with the motor piston. Without any tools or cell service, he sighed, shut the hood and leaned on his car and waited for a passerby. Finally, a truck came around the bend so he wave...

Taxi driver

So there's this man who drives a taxi for a living. He's no bad man, pays his taxes, loves his wife and has no addictions. But there is one bad thing that the taxi driver just loves to do, despite his good nature. Every time he drives past one of those cyclists who act like they own the place he eve...

Why can’t Steven hawking drive

Because he has no motor function

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After years of complaints, a mother finally gets sick of cooking dinner.

She makes a new family rule: whoever complains about dinner has to cook the next night. After a few rounds, dinner duty falls to the husband. But by now, everyone is sick of having to cook, so they all decide to stop complaining. Weeks go by. The dad is sick of cooking, but nobody complains about hi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Boob Joke

A guy has been admiring his co-worker's massive bust for some time and it becomes more that he can take. He asks if he can suck on her tits for $100. She refuses. He raises the offer to $500 and again she refuses. His final bid is $1000 and she finally agrees. After about 15 minutes of him kissing a...

Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?

Teacher: "Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?"

Juan: "Go to bed."

Teacher: "But... before that?"

Juan: "I take the clothes off!"

Teacher: "Wouldn't you go to the doctor?"

Juan: "No, no doctor! Doctor killed my uncle in Madrid!"

Teacher: "Really?"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The naked cowboy

**Naked Cowboy**

A Sheriff in a small town in Texas walks out in the street and sees a blond haired cowboy coming toward him with nothing on but his cowboy hat, his gun and his boots. He arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walk...

Why do babies make bad mechanics?

They have poorly developed motor skills.

Blonde

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and she finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"
The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize ...

The gynecologist decided she wanted to change careers.

So she applied to an auto mechanic school. After completing all the coursework, she took her final exam. After the exam, the professor was handing out the test results. When she got hers, she was thoroughly confused.

"Professor, it says here that I got 150% on my test. There must have been so...

A boy goes into a pawn shop

A boy goes into a pawn shop with the motor for an iron lung.

the pawn shop owner asks "where did you get this?"

the boy replies "from my father"

the pawn shop owner asks "what did he say when you took it?"

the boy replies: "AAAAUUUUGHHHH"

When God sends help, don't doubt.

She hurried to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Wi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER and says his wife's been in an accident. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones.


"Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.


"Yes sir, what's happened?...

Just another May-December wedding

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

GM and Microsoft

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we w...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman takes her husband's fishing boat out...

One morning a husband returns from several hours of fishing out on the lake and decides to take a nap. Although not really familiar with the lake, his wife takes the boat out. She motors out a short distance, drops anchor, and proceeds to read her book.

A short time later a game warden comes ...

What do old people do with their cars when they are to old to drive them?

They tow them behind their motor home.

The Irish are really far behind with technology...

Their bombs still have four wheels and a motor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

A software engineer, a chemical engineer and a mechanical engineer were riding along in a car.....

suddenly the car stopped. The mechanical engineer said "it must be a problem with the motor", the chemical engineer said "no it's most likely a fuel problem", then the software engineer said "maybe if we all get out, then get back in, it will start"

Oil

So an 80 yr. old man runs into a hospital with his 20 yr. old wife, and says "Help! My wife is having a baby!" So, they deliver the baby, and then one of the nurses asks the man "How do you still make babies at your age!?" He cooly replies "Just gotta keep the motor running,"
A few months pass a...

So a buddy of mine was riding his motorcycle...

(This is a joke that my own, dearest father got me with today.)

...and, you know how the underneath of the bike can get pretty hot, under the motor. Well, his boot caught fire! He looks down, and sees that it spread to his pant leg, so he reaches down and tries to pat it out with his gl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Trip To the Vatican

Note: Characters are dated, so sub your own

Joe Montana and Jerry Rice decide to take a motor home vacation across Europe.

"You know Jerry, it's always been my dream to have a tailgate party in St. Peter's Square at the Vatican."

"I don't know Joe, the Vatican's a holy place. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Russian Car Joke

[This thread](http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1sv7r1/old_russian_joke/) reminded me of this joke I'd heard years ago:

We're in Soviet Russia in the early 80's and Vladimir has been hoarding his spare rubles for years and years in order to be able to purchase a car. The big day finally ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A 14yr old boy ran into his house yelling "mom mom come quick, I have great news!" The mother asked "what is it, what's so exciting!" "I had sex for the first time today!"

Replied the boy The mother gasped, raised her hand and slapped the boy across the face. "get up to your room and stay ther until your father gets home!!" yelled the mother. An hour later the boys father arrived home, got the update from the mother and went upstairs to talk to the boy. "So I hear you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[slight racism] So a Hercules plane is failing while carrying a small squad...

A Hercules plane has a motor go kapputt while in flight. The soldiers inside start throwing equipment off the plane to keep it lighter and help it fly better until it can land, but after they toss almost everything, the general says:

* General: We need to throw someone out of the plane!
...

Remember when...

... the General Motors jobs were in Flint, and you couldn't drink the water in Mexico. And now...

Bored Proctologist

A Proctologist who got tired of his profession decided to follow his lifelong dream and become a mechanic. After 2 years of school, he took a final exam where he passed with 150 percent. Confused, the Ex Proctologist asked how that was possible. The teacher replied that he received 50 points for cor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear and a rabbit

So a bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods one day. Just as the bear was about to get the rabbit, they stumble over a lamp, and a genie pops out.

They genie tells them that since they both found him, they both get three wishes. He asks the bear for his first wish.



"I wan...

Which three American Generals won the most during the cold war?

General Motors, General Electric, and General Dynamics.

At the maternity ward...

Three men sit in the maternity ward of a hospital. The orderly comes in and says to the first man "Congratulations sir! you are the proud father of two healthy twins!" the man replies "Hah! what a coincidence! I work at Twin City Motors!" whereupon he hoes into the ward to be with his wife. a few mi...

My toddler tried out and age aproporiate pickup line

"Hey baby, you've got some fiiiiiiine motor skills."

So some helium walk into a bar.

Or, rather than walks, floats; for helium, at room temperature, is a gas, and thus has no legs with which to walk, and, due to its lighter-than-air nature, does not sink to the ground. The bartender himself is confused, for not only is helium invisible to the naked eye in the absence of another obje...