Thin Jokes - 96 Hilarious Thin Jokes

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

I don't like ladies with fat legs. I don't like ladies with thin legs.

I like something inbetween.

How does Putin stay so thin?

He's always purging.

My mate's got a thing for thin women. Not just thin, but really thin, almost anorexic women.

For his birthday next week, I've bought him a blow-up doll.

And no pump.

Thin Mints are very inappropriately named.

No matter how many I eat, I never get thin.

There is a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

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What is it called when you poop a thin wooden rod?

A dowel movement.

Everyone’s heard of Cunningham’s Law - “Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong”. But have you heard of Cole’s Law?

It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.

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Why are Japanese people so thin?

Because last time there was a fat man, 80,000 people died.

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Why is it so easy to stay thin in Japan?

easy, last time there was a fat man in Japan a whole city disappeared

How do you call a thin T-Rex?

Ano-Rex...

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

Why does everyone hate thin paper?

Because it's tearable

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

Fishing on thin ice

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He the...

It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night.

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

A painter is employed to whitewash the local church. But he makes the mistake of thinning the paint down too much, so that it all washes away the first time it rains.

The minister rings the painter to complain. "What do you want me to do about it?" says the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister, "And thin no more."

In Ireland there is a tradition that holds that a dying man may ask one last question, and that it be answered truthfully.

Seamus had come to the end of his days; his time on this planet was short. Gathered around him was his wife and his four sons. Three of his sons were fine, tall men but the fourth...wasn't. Aiden was a bit scrawny, and quite thin. Seamus says to his wife:

"Mary...I've not much time left. So I...

What is long, hard, and thick when it goes in but short, soft, and thin when it comes out?

Bubble gum.

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

Are fat people or thin people smarter?

It depends--thin people are generally sharper, while fat people are more well-rounded.

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

The walls of my apartment are so thin.

I asked my wife a question and got four different answers.

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

What do thin alleles like to wear?

Skinny genes.

What is the secret to staying thin?

Minimum wage.

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

My wife said my hair was getting thin and I said

well, who wants fat hair?

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Why do bank managers have such thin penises?

Because they're such tight fisted wankers.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

I was paper-thin as a kid.

So I got ripped.

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum...

I told him it was slim pickin’s at the music shop.

Guys I just recently bought a 256GB iPhone 7 Plus, my son dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 8 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911..

AND 9/11

Adam

One day, God summoned Adam for an important task he must complete...

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly Lord, what do you want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explaine...

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

A fat guy and a thin guy meet

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

whats so good about thin strips of cheese?

I don't know. It's just grate.

A young couple, just married, were...

in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was a big, burly man, tossed his pants to the bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on, but they were way too big.

"I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right,"...

Inside every fat person theres a thin person trying to get out.

but outside every fat person theres a pizza waiting to get in.

Then there's the story of a painter who is hired to whitewash a nearby church.

Unfortunately he thins the paint too much, causing it to wash away entirely during the first rain.

The minister calls the painter to voice his grievances. "What do you want me to do about it?" inquires the painter.

"Repaint," says the minister firmly, "And thin no more."

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85% of all women think their ass is too fat. 10% of all women think their ass is too thin.

And 5% are really happy that they married him.

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Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.

One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.

A second man brings a ...

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

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I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons

A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.

A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely...

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

What’s small and thin but gets you in?

Maxing out your credit cards

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

What's the thin line between love and hate?

A condom.

I invented a machine that makes money out of thin air.

Even though I programmed it to produce coins, it only spits out notes...

It makes no cents.

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven......

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woma...

Who do you call a really thin dinosaur?

Tyranosaurus Annorex

A painter walks up to a church and offers to paint it.

The church manager agrees. Business isn’t going well for the painter so he decides to save some money by adding water to thin the paint. He gets a few days in and a massive storm appears out of nowhere with lightning and thunder crashing around him. A booming voice comes from the clouds, “How dare y...

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when h...

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

I'll try to translate a joke from my language..

So this blonde goes to the Doctor for a checkup so doc starts asking her:

Age? She starts counting using her fingers, says 22 !

Height? She sees a measuring type of about 5 meters, takes it barely gets to measuring and says 1.75

Then the Doc says, ok could I have your FIRSt nam...

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

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Who's thin, has no stamina, and throws up from being worked just a little bit?

My penis.

A young man went to his grandfather's place to stay for the weekend. He was sitting down to lunch when he noticed that the spoons and forks were encrusted in a thin filmy substance.

He asked his grandfather,"Are you sure you washed it properly?"

"As clean as cold water can get it" was the reply.

So the young man shrugged and started eating.

The next day at breakfast he noticed that the plates were dirty and grimy. It also smelled a bit ...

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My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

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What do you call a donkey who is always getting up to mischief, is tall and thin, forgot his morning coffee, is handsome and strong, smells really bad, loves country music, has one eye, and three legs?

A hanky-panky, lanky, cranky, spunky, hunky, stinky dinky, honky tonky, winky, wonky donkey!

Two hunters lost in the woods

They had been lost for a long time and were both starving. While walking, one of the hunters notices a tree that has thin slices of meat hanging from it. He yells to the other and points towards the tree: "Look, we're saved!!! There's a BACON TREE!!!". He starts running for the tree when all of a su...

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Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

I met a vegan magician the other night who surprised everyone by making guacamole appear from thin air.

Avocadabra.

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A trick with a tie

Son: Dad! I learned an awesome new trick at school in science class. Can I borrow your tie?

Dad: Let's see it.

Son: if we fold your tie in half, and roll the fat end toward the middle, and the thin end toward the middle, we have two rolls - one big and one small, both the same length...

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

A man walks into a bar only to have the building itself disappear into thin air...

Angry, he turns around, leaves the empty spot where the building used to be and eventually runs into someone asking for directions to the now missing bar.

The angry man tells him: "I wouldn't recommend going there. It's the worst place I've been to, bar none!"

A husband and wife get up on Sunday morning.

After breakfast, the wife notices that her husband isn't dressed for church.

"Why aren't you dressed for church?"

"Simple. I'm not going."

"Why not?"

"Well, I'll give you three pretty good reasons why I'm not going. First of all, the church is cold in the morning. It's ju...

Did you hear about the magician who could create things out of thin air?

They contacted him to give him a TV show, but once they found out he was a fake, it never materialized.

A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF!

He was gone, without a tres.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

A little boy wants his toy,

A little boy wants his toy, so he walks up to his mother and says "Mom, give me my toy." His mother responds by saying, "What are the magic words?" So the little boy says the magic words and his mom gives him his toy.

The next day, the little boy starts kindergarten. At snack time, the littl...

Eight year old Timmy had wanted a pet for the longest time. One day, his mother brought home a pet mouse with a long, thin tail.

Timmy named him Thread. He wanted to bring him everywhere, but his mother warned him to be careful where he brought it, “because people don’t always like mice.”

One day, Timmy brought Thread to Jenny’s house. Jenny’s Dad, an exterminator for Mr. Click’s Tricks by trade, didn’t like mice much...

I bought some engine oil for my bike ...

But it was too thick, so I thinned it out with some gasoline, but then it was too thin, so I added more oil, but I just can't seem to get it right. It's a viscous cycle.

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

A man goes to the doctor for blood tests [long]

After extended testing and an agonizing wait, he finally gets a call from the doctor to immediately come into the office and to have as little contact with others as possible.
On arrival he is greeted by a nurse in full bio suit and whisked into a barren room.
The doctor comes in, also in fu...

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My wife's voice always gets deeper after sex

She looks at herself in the mirror and thinks she's an eight but really she's a tenor.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.

As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

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