I ordered a thin crusty supreme

And i got Dianna Ross.

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do something for Me…"

Adam Said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"

God Said, "Go down Into that Valley."

Adam said, "What's A valley?"

God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the River."

Adam said, "What's a River?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to t...

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

Thin Mints are very inappropriately named.

No matter how many I eat, I never get thin.

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A female class teacher was having a problem with a boy in her 3rd grade class. The boy said, "Madam, I should be in Grade 4. I am smarter than my sister & she's in Grade 4".

The Madam had heard enough and took the boy to the principal. The principal decided to test the boy with some questions from Grade 4.

Principal: What is 3+3?

Boy: 6.

Principal: 6+6.

Boy: 12.

The boy got all the questions right. The principal told the Madam to send ...

During this period of the pandemic, a group of extraordinarily thin people came together to form a band.

It was a massive success. They were the best in their fields. The violin, oh so melodious! The synth on point everytime. The acoustics, superb.

One time they were offered to perform a virtual concert. All the tickets sold out.

But when the time came for them to perform, they couldn't c...

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Driving home after a hard day at work, a man gets pulled over by a cop. His patience is wearing thin.

"Tell me, officer: would it be a crime for me to insult you? Hypothetically speaking, of course - I think the police are wonderful - but in theory, could you arrest me if I said you were a cunt?"

"Yes sir. That would count as disorderly conduct."

"What about if I were just to think it?...

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Three tampons are walking down the road. A thin, a regular, and a super. Which one says hi first?

None. They're all stuck up cunts

I’m fat but I self identify as thin.

I’m trans slender

Fishing on thin ice

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice from above said, “There are no fish down there.” He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there.” He the...

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

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What do you call a lady with a rock hard body having sex with a paper thin lady?

Rock scissors paper

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...

Mr. and Mrs. Johnson had been happily married for decades, but there was one thing that bothered Mr. Johnson.

They had five sons named Al, Ben, Carl, Dan, and Edgar. Now Al, Ben, Carl, and Dan were all tall, thin, and handsome, but Edgar was short, fat, and ugly. Throughout his life, Mr. Johnson wondered if Edgar was really his son, but he never built up the courage to ask his wife.

Finally, the day ...

Don't step on the chickens

Three men die and come to the pearly gates. They swing open and they hear the voice of god booming: "Be welcome to heaven, but don't step on the chickens!" and as far as the eye can see there are chickens EVERYWHERE.

One guy is like, "forget this!" and instantly steps on a chicken. They hear ...

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

Doesn't matter if you are tall or short, fat or thin, black or white, at the end of the day...

It will be night time.

My wife makes my pancakes too thin.

Tomorrow morning I am telling her I am sick of her crepe.

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Husband lost his wife

Husband: I lost my wife, she was shopping and has not come back yet.

Inspector: What was she wearing?

Husband: I'm not sure a suit maybe or dress i don't know.

Inspector: What her weight?

Husband: I don;t know i have never checked.

Inspector: Slim/ tall/ healthy....

One of my band members asked why I was using such a thin plectrum...

I told him it was slim pickin’s at the music shop.

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Why are Japanese people so thin?

Because last time there was a fat man, 80,000 people died.

Clearly cops will tread on a thin blue line

As long as its your jugular

After a generous contribution by the band Thin Lizzy, a seaside village was able to put their navigation marks back out to sea

The residents are ecstatic. The buoys are back in town.

How do you call a thin T-Rex?

Ano-Rex...

The portly bald wizard just made a basketball appear out of thin air.

He must be a sportscaster.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell... (Story Joke)

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Dev...

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

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Caught my roommate masturbating himself with a thin pancake.

What a crepe.

When I was a kid, I would dream of being chased through the woods by a tall, unusually thin man in a suit, holding a fruit smoothie in one hand and an electic mixer in the other. His name?

Blender Man.



As a little sub-note to this terrible joke, you may think it funnier that when I first typed it out, my phrasing was "....chased through the woulds....", coz I'm a dolt.

Two cannibals sat across from each other for lunch.

They decided to share what seemed to be a rather thin and short fellow between the two of them for lunch. One started at the brow line the other at the toes. The cannibal on the top side made his way to the shoulder and asked the other "You said before you have never eaten around here before so what...

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician get stranded on a desert island…

Right away the engineer finds some stick and stones, which he uses to build a hammer, which he uses to break open coconuts to get some nutrients.

After five days eating plenty of coconuts, he decides to go looking for the physicist.

He finds the physicist quite thin, he clearly have no...

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A poor family lives on a farm and they rely on their chickens for income.

One morning, the father walks outside to find the chicken coop empty and the corpses of chickens on the ground.

"There’s nothing that could help get us out of poverty now," says the dad as he shoots himself.

The mom walks outside and sees the dad and the chickens on the ground.

...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

One of my dad's favorites

When they started, the painters decided to paint the body of the church before painting the steeple. With the church completed and the steeple well along, paint was getting low and a thunderstorm loomed. To finish properly, they would need to climb down to the ground to get more paint. Alterna...

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

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Two virgin dwarves

Two virgin dwarves decide to go to a local brothel.

They arrive at the brothel, organise payment and are allocated a girl and a room each.

The first dwarf, lying on the bed next to the prostitute, starts to feel really self-conscious and nervous and can't get an erection however hard h...

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85% of all women think their ass is too fat. 10% of all women think their ass is too thin.

And 5% are really happy that they married him.

Jock, the painter, often would thin his paint so it would go further.

So when the Church decided to do some deferred maintenance, Jock was able to put in the low bid, and got the job. As always, he thinned his paint way down with turpentine.

One day while he was up on the scaffolding -- the job almost finished -- he heard a horrendous clap of thunder, and the s...

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

The walls of my apartment are so thin.

I asked my wife a question and got four different answers.

The problem with homeopathy is...

that there are too many homeopaths. It would be more effective if they were thinned out a bit, say one homeopath per ten trillion people...

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The Anticlimactic Lager (oj)

(*I just made up this joke, it takes a bit of patience but let me know if it's worth it. Either way, keep smiling!*)

Michael was a rich, eccentric and naive beer enthusiast. He journeyed around the world in search of rare lagers.

Once, on a trip to India, he came across a small bar. Be...

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

There's a thin line between "Obsessive" and "Compulsive"

... it's a hyphen.

There is a thin line between a numerator and denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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An Italian, a Scotsman and a Japanese man were hired at a construction site.

The foreman shows them their task, which is to move a large pile of sand. He assigns each of the men their respective roles.

He points to the large, muscular Scotsman and says "You're in charge of shoveling".

He points to the moderately sized Italian and says "You're in charge of sweep...

Why are plants so thin?

They always eat light.

Dear God, my prayer for 2019 is for a FAT bank account and a THIN body

Please don't mix it up like last year.

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes. Small, round, thin,

thick crust, deep pan, extra toppings...

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I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons

A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.

A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

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Why do bank managers have such thin penises?

Because they're such tight fisted wankers.

Inside every fat person theres a thin person trying to get out.

but outside every fat person theres a pizza waiting to get in.

My brother has decided to identify as thin.

He's translender.

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

At a European airport I saw a guy with a really long and very thin suitcase.......

I went up to him and asked: “Tell me, are you a Pole Vaulter?”
He replied: “Nein, I am German but how did you know my name was Walter?”

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My doctor said to me he'll be with me through thick and thin, even when shit hits the fan

Needless to say he's a good gastroenterologist

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Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

What do thin alleles like to wear?

Skinny genes.

What is the secret to staying thin?

Minimum wage.

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The cheapskate painter

A painter named Jack always tried to save a buck whenever he could, so he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. He somehow managed to get away with this for some time.

One day, the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid a...

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A bodybuilder takes public transport to work..

Bus conductor ask him to buy a ticket

Bodybuilder "I never buy ticket!"

Bus conductor was a thin fella so he couldn't argue much with him.

Next day Bodybuilder again takes the same Bus to work.

Same story he again denies to buy the ticket.

Conductor was very frust...

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

Are fat people or thin people smarter?

It depends--thin people are generally sharper, while fat people are more well-rounded.

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess immediately said, "No!"

And the Prince lived happily ever after, and rode motorcycles and dated thin, long-legged, full-breasted women and hunted and fished and raced cars, and went to titty bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer, and Captain Morgan, and never heard bitching and never paid child support...

I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there wa...

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A man was talking to his therapist about finding the right woman. A man was sitting in his therapist’s office telling him about how he finally managed to find the right woman, after a whopping 3 divorces.

He says, “well the first wife was quite the fireball and we had good chemistry, but she was a fitness instructor and during sex always yelled ‘HARDER! STRONGER! KEEP UP THAT HEART RATE!’ and at some point I just couldn’t keep up... so we split.”

“Well,” said the therapist, “what about the sec...

whats so good about thin strips of cheese?

I don't know. It's just grate.

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

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Cinderella wants to go to the Ball

But her evil Step- mother won't allow her. Cinderella runs to the garden and cries. Suddenly her fairy godmother appears out of thin air. The fairy godmother asks "why are you crying child?" Cinderella tells her about the ball and her evil step-mother not letting her go. The fairy godmother tells C...

An unpaid internship is nothing like actual slavery

Slaves are given food and housing.

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A former maths professor turned dentist shaved my infected tooth down into a single thin line...

I asked him, "What the hell is this?"

He replied, "A square root canal."

I was paper-thin as a kid.

So I got ripped.

Did you ever catch an enemy walking on thin ice?

It's a breakthrough experience.

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?

Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.

….Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

A fat guy and a thin guy meet

Fat guy: “When I see you, I’d think a famine broke out!”

Thin guy: “And when I see you, I’d think you’re the one responsible for that!”

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The Thin Swiss Wire

A crew of Swiss engineerers was tasked by their government to create a wire as thin as possible. The project took months, years to finish, but at last, they succeeded. They produced a piece of extremely thin wire. It was so thin that they could not even measure how thin it actually was. Not only tha...

THERE IS A THIN LINE BETWEEN 911..

AND 9/11

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Who's thin, has no stamina, and throws up from being worked just a little bit?

My penis.

I stabbed twenty people in the supermarket line with thin needles.

It's a new type of therapy I'm calling "aqueuepuncture".

I met a vegan magician the other night who surprised everyone by making guacamole appear from thin air.

Avocadabra.

A Spanish magician announced that for his final trick, he would vanish into thin air. He counted down: uno, dos, then POOF!

He was gone, without a tres.

Guys i just bought a 256GB iPhone 11, my brother dropped it and the screen shattered. Anyways I'm doing a giveaway!

The kid is 6 years old, cute, thin and not really tall.

I invented a machine that makes money out of thin air.

Even though I programmed it to produce coins, it only spits out notes...

It makes no cents.

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

One of my old buddies, James King, named his newborn son Thin.

I'm sure he wasn't thinking, but his son is.

I Have No Idea How I Got Lice.

They just appeared out of thin hair.

Tw‌‌o wive‌‌s went ou‌‌t fo‌‌r girls‌‌' night.

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌.

Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e...

Yo Mama's so.....

.....thin

The end.

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I was in Mexico last weekend enjoying what the entertainment has to offer....

...ended up going to this magic show that was highly recommended. The Magician came on stage and started the show with a disappearing act. He said "Pay close attention as I will vanish into thin air on the count of three"

He started counting... "uno....dos..."

And sure as shit he disap...

What’s small and thin but gets you in?

Maxing out your credit cards

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The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China

Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.

Encouraging a sick relative

The pandemic swept over the land and finally affected this one small town and one family in particular. Little Billy's beloved grandfather fell sick and had to be taken to the hospital. The family checked in with him virtually several times a week, and Billy's mother coached him on what to say duri...

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Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

What's the thin line between love and hate?

A condom.

A man in Victorian clothes just appeared out of thin air and handed me a fistful of herbs.

I think he might be a Thyme traveller.

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A dude sits in a pub, watching this guy guarding a stretch of floor.

Every so often somebody tries to cross it when he socks them in the face and sends them staggering backwards. The stretch he's guarding is so long that he has to leap backwards and forwards along it, building up a sweat.

Perplexed, the dude watches while this happens six times, and in the end...

How my girlfriend stay's thin.

Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?

She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

So my wife went missing. I went to the police to report her disappearance...

The policeman asked “What is she wearing?”
I replied “I don’t recall”.
The policeman asked “What is her height?”
I replied “Average”.
The policeman asked “Weight?”
I replied “Who knows?”
The policeman asked “Hair colour?”
I replied “Mmm what month ar...

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A bear and a rabbit find a magical fish.

The fish tells them “I will grant you three wishes.”
Bear: “I wish for all the bears in the forest to be female.”
Fish: “Granted. All bears in the forest are now female.”
Rabbit: “I wish for a motorcycle.”
Fish: “Granted.” A motorcycle appears out of thin air ...

A man walks into a bar only to have the building itself disappear into thin air...

Angry, he turns around, leaves the empty spot where the building used to be and eventually runs into someone asking for directions to the now missing bar.

The angry man tells him: "I wouldn't recommend going there. It's the worst place I've been to, bar none!"

Found this diet that's supposed to make you paper-thin.

I'm trying to get into the Guinness Book of Records.

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