Shed Jokes - 36 Hilarious Shed Jokes

My friend was showing me his tool shed.

He pointed to a ladder.
"That's my step ladder," he said.

"I never met my real ladder."

Can't believe someone broke into my shed and stole my limbo stick

How low can ya go

Someone told me I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed

What does that mean?

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A wife promised her husband she'd be home by midnight when she went out drinking with her friends...

"I'll be home by midnight, I promise." She said.

The hours passed as the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m. and a bit loaded, she headed home. Just as she walked into the door the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and 'cuckooed' 3 times. Quickly realizing that her hus...

A man sees his shed being robbed...

A man, about to crawl into bed with his wife for the night, looks out his window to see 3 men robbing his shed. So, he calls the police. "Hello, I see three men stealing from my shed, can you please send someone down here?" The operator replies, "I'm sorry sir, but there's no units available in your...

Based on a true story: I was carrying back gardening tools to the shed and dropped one. My wife yells from behind me.

"Yee haw, it's a hoe down"

A woman hears a noise late at night and sees someone in her shed when she looks out the window

She calls the police and reports a prowler. They say they will send an officer to investigate. Twenty minutes later the police have not shown up and the man is now loading items he is stealing into a van parked in the driveway. She calls the police back and asks where the cops are.

The dispa...

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NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

my daughter asked me for a set of wheels. told me shed give me rides anytime I wanted

So I got her a rickshaw for Christmas.

A man sees a burglar breaking into his shed

A man sees someone breaking into his shed. He calls police. They say they don't have anyone available right now. They'll be there as soon as they can, but it may be two hours. The man hangs up.

A few minutes later he calls again and tells them to take their time. He's pulled out his rifle and...

What rock would you find inside a garden shed?

Shedimentary.

A woman is like the roof of a shed.

If you don't nail them hard enough, they'll go next door.

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

Whilst clearing out the shed I found a box full of dead batteries.

I’m giving them away free of charge

I went to buy a shed...

"Are you going to put it up yourself?" asked the shopkeeper.

No, I replied, I'm just going to put it in the garden.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbor, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”

“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbor’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at ...

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My wife and I just bought a house

It came with two separate sheds in the backyard. But lately we’ve been arguing a lot about what goes in which shed.

It’s all about that he-shed/she-shed bullshit.

What do you call a buck that shed its antlers?

Transgendeer

I heard a funny noise in my shed, so I called the police.

“Hello”, I said, “I think someone is in my shed stealing stuff".

“Do you have anything valuable in the shed”, the dispatcher asked.

“Well, just my tools, the kid's bike and the lawn mower.” I said.

“Sorry”, she said, “we’ve got no one available at the moment. Someone will be ...

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds

He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally...

Two thieves are rooting through a farmer's shed

The farmer sneaks up on the shed and locks the door from the outside trapping the two thieves inside. So he calls the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) and tells them he has the two thieves locked in his shed and to come and arrest them. The dispatch says that they are really busy and will get there...

If a snake is shedding...

Is it getting ssss-naked?

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What do you call it when a garden shed supports the Nazi movement?

The Third Rake

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

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MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

Does the dead hooker in my shed...

...count as a garden hoe?

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Three cowboys (nsfw)

Three cowboys are sitting around a fire boasting about how tough they are.

The cowboy from Oklahoma says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

The cowbo...

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

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Two girls and a boy are playing doctors and nurses behind the shed one day.

The little boy suddenly drops his pants and shows them his penis. One girl screams and runs away, the other rolls her eyes and proudly scoffs, "Pfft, that's nothing. My daddy's got two of those." "What?!" says the boy, "Two?!" "Yeah two," replies the girl, "One for going pee pee and another for clea...

Opened up the shed today and realized my handsaw needed tuning

It was a bit sharp

I painted a spider today while working on my shed and now I’m troubled.

It got away before I could give it a second coat.

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

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A farmer comes out to his shed to find a man humping his farm equipment

The farmer asks the man “what the hell are you doing son? The man replies “I’ve been having troubles with my wife and my therapist said to do something sexy to a tractor.”

George was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would ...

I asked my wife if shed like me to be in the room with her when she delivered our child

She said "Why? It's not like you were in the room when she was concieved.

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

I could’ve sworn my dad said I could take any tool I wanted from the shed

But when I got there, he told me to take my pick.

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