Did you guys hear the joke about the high wall

It's hilarious,
I'm still trying to get over it!!

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

TIL when musicians perform on stage, the sound bounces around the room off the walls, however, when a pigeon performs on stage, the sound does not bounce. This is because...

...a coo sticks.

Just know if you walk into someone’s house and they have the Soviet Union banner on the wall

That is a big red flag

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

What do you call it when you nut on a wall?

A walnut.

Build that wall!

Trump and Putin were golfing in Russia. Trump was deep in the rough again and blundered across a long-lost magic lamp. He grabbed it and managed to stumble back to Putin. They rubbed it, and sure enough, the Genie appeared!

Trump got his wish. With a wink at Putin he commanded, "build ...

What do you call nuts on a wall?

Walnuts!

What do you call nuts on a chest?

Chestnuts!

Get how this game goes? Let's try another.

What do you call nuts on a chin?

An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you...

Well Trump finally got his wall

Didn’t plan on it being in front of the White House though

“Mr. Sean Connery, Sir, could I perhaps look at your tool selection and borrow what I need to fix my broken, wall-mounted ledge?”

“By all means, help your shelf.”

A german guy was peeing on a wall in public. A girl passed by.

Girl: Gross

German guy: Thanks!

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Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'S...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap yells, "Fuck me! How big are the cats!?"

Mexico called.

They are willing to pay for the wall now.

I love using my wall clock as a frisbee...

Time really flies by.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Dam.

What do you call a drunk Irish guy who bounces off the walls?

Rick O’ Shea

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

A year ago today, I installed a second mirror on the opposite wall from our first...

It’s something I always love to look back on.

I don't know about you but in these sad, desperate times, I've hit a wall so many times...

...that now more than ever, I deserve to board the Hogwarts express.

A fish swims into a concrete wall

He turns around and yells DAM

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I walled into the bedroom to find that my wife had laid out a kinky outfit for me.

She's shit at ironing.

What two walls are saying to each other?

We meet at the corner

An 80-year old man finds his wife doing a handstand naked against a wall.

Shocked, he asks, "what are you doing?

She replies, "I know you can't get it up, but maybe you can drop it in."

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls.

It's normal to talk to pets, mirrors and walls during the quarantine. Just inform your psychiatrist if they talk back.

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Believe it or not I met my wife in a unisex rest room. I was in one cubicle, she was in the next one and we just got talking through the partitioned wall....

It was love at first shite

Now that New York's in lock down, what will the Wall Street traders be doing?

Insider trading.

Girls at dances who are sitting by the wall waiting for a partner are called wallflowers...

So does that make men doing the same ‘wallnuts’?

Reading the wall at the urinal...

"Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand."

I thought, yep. Mine's a real kneeslapper.

There’s three paraplegics. One is floating in water, one is on your door step and one is hanging on your wall.

Meet Bob, Matt and Art.

Husband and Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes ...

My date was going really well until I noticed a large communist symbol on her wall

It was a big red flag

Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?

Because it is an actual long-lasting Chinese product.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

Depends how hard you throw them

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

Did you hear about the man who invented a device to see through walls?

He called it a window

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

Did you know Donald Trump started taking Xanax because of the border wall?

He was afraid of Hispanic attacks.

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

The walls of my apartment are so thin.

I asked my wife a question and got four different answers.

The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall

but they’ll get over it.

If you watch Wall-E backwards

it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

A hole was discovered in the wall around the nudist camp.

The police are looking in to it.

I put up a hammock between two walls in my house

It really ties the room together

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

I always wanted to see the Great Wall of China

So I booked a Wuhan way ticket

People always fondly say, "If these walls could talk, they could tell some crazy stories"

Don't bother, my walls could talk and all they did was moan my dad's name

What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

Half of the people want to build a wall, the other half thinks we shouldn’t

Personally I’m on the fence.

Four men are in the hospital

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies. A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, "Congratulations! You're the father of twins."

"That's odd," answers the man. "I work for the Minnesota Twins!"

A nurse says to the second guy, "Congratulations! ...

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

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An elderly woman enters the Canadian National Bank with a bag full of money

She insisted she wanted to speak with the president of the National Bank in order to open an account, saying "a lot of money" was to be dealt with.

After some hesitation, the staff escorted the elderly woman to the president's office. The president asked how much money she wanted to deposit i...

I dont like the floor or the walls.

Because im a ceiling fan.

You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you lef...

What’s the difference between ninjas and a stage crew?

Ninjas move silently around walls and a stage crew moves walls around silently

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

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Some longy things are talking.

A cucumber, a pickle and a penis are talking.

Cucumber goes: "man, when I get big, fat and juicy, they cut me up and put me in the salad"

Pickle goes: "Shit, when I get big, fat and juicy, they put me in vinegar an onions for a month!"

Penis goes: "Well, when I get big, fat and ...

Three drunk vampires make a bet to see who is the best at taking blood from their victims.

The first one transforms into a bat and flies away. After a couple of minutes he comes back with some blood in his lips. The other two ask him where he got it from.

"See that little kid over there? That's where."

The second vampire transforms himself into a bat and comes back with eve...

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Job Opening

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background
checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two
men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follo...

Walls After Paint

Person: *invents paint*

Wall: Hey whatcha got there?

Person: I'm gonna try this on you okay?

Wall: Sure!

Person: *paints wall*

Wall: Hey Jim, you there? JIM! ... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

I was doing some home renovations and I was knocking down a wall, only to find a secret unfurnished room behind it...

...then I remembered we live in a duplex.

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What had more brains than Hitler?

The wall behind him.

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

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Talking clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.
“What’s that big brass gong for?” asked the friend.
“It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied.
“A talking clock? How’s it work...

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

An old dime store novel writer walks into a saloon...

An old west dime novel writer is out looking for a good story when he wanders into a saloon. He sees a group of rough rider lookin' scoundrels playing poker and he musters up enough courage to sit down with 'em (thinkin' he might get a story out if he was lucky). "Mind if I play?"

The others ...

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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Read this on a bathroom wall...

When I was young and had no sense.

I pissed on an electric fence

It shocked my dick,

it shocked my balls

And made me shit in my overalls

The CEO and the Envelopes

A new CEO was hired to take over a struggling company. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run into serious trouble,” he said.

Well, three months later sales and profits were still way down and the new CEO wa...

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhardt have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

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A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain.

He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down ever...

Your mama so dumb

She climbs over a glass wall to see what's on the other side.

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This is a robbery!

A man storms into a bank with a ski mask over his head and a shotgun.

"This is a robbery" the man shouts. "Open the vault!!"

The receptionist stands still looking at the robber questionably.

"We don't have any money here sir" the receptionist replies. "This is a sperm bank..."...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

“Dad, why did you guys name me Achilles?”

“Well son, you did break through the Trojan wall.”

Divorce

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife."Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man test-ified. "So naturally when I am hom...

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