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Walls of youth

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father took an outing to a shopping mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father responded, 'S...

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he says to her: “Honey, would you take me upstairs?”

Horrified, she replies: “Are you mad? My parents will see us!”

“Oh come on! Who’s gonna see us at this hour?” he asks, grinning at her.

“No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?”

“Oh come on! There’s nobody around, they’re all sleeping!”


“No way. It’s just too ri...

What did the fish say after it swam into a wall?

Damn

My brother went to jail. He didn't take it very well. He was yelling insults and attacking everyone, he even threw his feces on the wall.

I don't think we'll play Monopoly with him again.

The hotel walls were so thin you could...

hear the people next door changing their minds

If you go home with someone and they have the banner of the former Soviet Union flag hanging on the wall

That’s a big red flag.

What did East Germans sing before the Berlin Wall fell?

Under Prussia

A hole was discovered in the wall around the nudist camp.

The police are looking in to it.

I put up a hammock between two walls in my house

It really ties the room together

If you watch Wall-E backwards

it's about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people

Why is the Great Wall of China one of the seven world wonders?

Because it's made in China and lasts for a long time.

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and he says...

Dam

Why did the electrician punch a hole in the wall?

He needed an outlet.

I always wanted to see the Great Wall of China

So I booked a Wuhan way ticket

A C.O. noticed something on patrol. He called his shift lead to tell him a subject was climbing down a makeshift rope, from a hole in Q4 dorm's outer wall. The subject was male, aprox. 3' 8" in height, wearing orange. The shift lead laughed over the radio, asking if he was sure of the sighting.

The C.O. later stated, it was definitely a little con descending.

"Mirror Mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" "You are fair my queen, but Snow White is fairer."

Earlier:

Mirror: "Send Nudes"

Snow White: "Ok" *Takes off dress*

People always fondly say, "If these walls could talk, they could tell some crazy stories"

Don't bother, my walls could talk and all they did was moan my dad's name

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall

but they’ll get over it.

What do you get if you set off dynamite planted in the corner between two perpendicular walls?

A wrecked angle

The sound of a musician on the stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience.

The sound of a pigeon on a stage doesn't. The reason is a coo sticks

Half of the people want to build a wall, the other half thinks we shouldn’t

Personally I’m on the fence.

I dont like the floor or the walls.

Because im a ceiling fan.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall?

Idk, depends how hard you throw them.

I once saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.

I thought to myself, that’s a little condescending.

I punched my wall today.

After punching my wall, it created a line. For fun, I decided to hammer a nail into the line. I really nailed the punchline.

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A chicken ran into a wall in Minecraft

He was cock blocked

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A Wall Street stockbroker decides to go off the grid completely

He’s had enough of that dog eat dog lifestyle and the stress and rat race of NYC.

So he buys a cabin in a remote part of the Adirondacks. Closest neighbor is miles away on a neighboring mountain. Pure solitude, nature, zero cell phone service, no electricity.

Months go by and he has ze...

99 grenades hanging on the wall, 99 grenades hanging on the wall, and if one grenade was to accidentally fall...

There would be no grenades and no bloody wall!

You’re trapped in a room with unbreakable walls and no doors or windows. All you have is a computer. How do you get out?

Press the escape key.

I was doing some home renovations and I was knocking down a wall, only to find a secret unfurnished room behind it...

...then I remembered we live in a duplex.

I named a spider on my wall cotton eyed joe

Because I have two questions,
Where did he come from,
And where did he go!?

What happens when an Asian guy with an erection runs into a wall?

He hurts his nose.

My sister said she can walk through walls so I called her a liar.

Then I saw her phase, now I'm a believer.

Why don't they just build the wall out of Hillary's emails?

Nobody seems to be able to get over them.

I’m hammering a nail into the wall when my wife comments “You hammer like lightning”

I replied “you think I’m that fast?”

She said “no. You never hit the same spot twice”

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

An old woman was sitting next to her fire one day when suddenly a spark jumped out and turned into a fairy.

The fairy told the old woman she could have three wishes.

The old woman thinks for a while and then asks for the following:

1) she wants 10 million dollars

2) she wants to be 18 years old again

3) she wants her faithful tomcat, Tiger, to be turned into a healthy 19 year o...

A woman successful gives birth to a baby after several hours of labour. The doctor takes the baby and leaves to perform some tests. Several minutes later, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms and then suddenly behind to punch it, kick it, throw it about the room and slam it against the wall.

The woman screams, "OH MY God! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY Baby!?" To which the doctor replies, " April fools! It was already dead!"

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie.
The Irishman says "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I wish all the oceans to be full of fish for all eternity and a fleet of fishing boats to catch them."
So, wit...

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A nun is in charge of painting the walls of a newly built classroom for Sunday School....

Not wanting to get paint on her habit, she decides that it would be best to strip completely naked. She closes the curtains, disrobes, and begins painting the room. Suddenly she hears a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" She asks.

"Blind man." Is the answer.

Thinking there is no ...

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

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Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....

feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

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A carrot, a pickle and a penis were talking about their awful lives. The carrot said my life sucks, when i get big and fat they cut me up and cook me. The pickle said when I get big and fat they cover me in vinegar & throw me in a jar.

The penis said, when I get big and fat they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark, damp room and bang my head against the wall till I throw up and pass out!

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Read this on a bathroom wall...

When I was young and had no sense.

I pissed on an electric fence

It shocked my dick,

it shocked my balls

And made me shit in my overalls

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I went to Lowe’s after work to pick up a stud finder so I could wall mount a TV in the basement...

I get home and tell my wife that I think it’s broken because it’s been going off since the second I bought it.

She’s all confused and asks, “Why did you buy a broken one?”

Then I take the stud finder, wipe it across my chest and go, “Beep beep beep...I don’t know what’s wrong with th...

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

Who needs a border wall when you have Tranqs and Sleeping pills

Dart em’ and ship em’ to Montana. They’ll just wake up and go to Canada.

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You will never truly know dissapointment

Until you run into a wall with a boner and your nose breaks first

Locals have discovered a little hole in the wall of the women's bathroom

Police have said they're looking into it

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

What did I say to my friend when he peed on the school bathroom wall?

Urine trouble!

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are wal...

Dad: (Hanging bathroom scale on wall)

Daughter: There's no way you can weigh yourself with it up there

Dad: Weigh myself? Hah! A was scaling the wall!

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

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A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned a...

How can Mexicans get over the wall?

By using trumpolines.

sorry... I will see myself out.

What do Christmas ornaments, dry wall and Jeffery Epstein all have in common?

They don’t hang themselves.

If Trump's favorite movie is WALL-E and his favorite store is Wal-Mart, what's his favorite nut?

The one that created Ivanka

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

Did you hear the joke about the high wall?

It’s hilarious I’m still trying to get over it!

My neighbors, the Razzis, have more family photographs hanging from their wall than anyone I know.

Thanks to their Dad.

Papa Razzi.

I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint

You have to say

Leroy, please paint that wall

What do you call the wizard that sticks to the wall?

Harry Poster

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

A nurse goes up to the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.”

“That’s odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A nurse says to the second guy, “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets!”

“That’s weird,” answers the second man. “I...

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I used to live in a place with crazy thin walls.

I used to live in a place with super thin walls, which came with a lot of pros and cons

A big con was that at all times of day, you can hear people have nasty, carnal sex right next to you through the wall.

A pro, however, was that was if you knocked on the wall, and asked very nicely...

What did one wall say to the other wall?

“Let’s, uh, meet in the corner”

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Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

Do you know that there is an invention that allows people to walk through walls?

It's called a door.

My son came up with this one...

I was walking to the bedroom with a 20-ounce drink. My son was hiding behind the wall and said "boo". He asked "were you scared?" I told him "no, but what if I were and spilled this drink all over myself?" He said "then that would be on you". I told him "nice pun". He still doesn't get it.

A man and a woman meet . . .

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect. They end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and he shows her around his apartment. She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the b...

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors. He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!

One day, while John was driving his favorite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor. He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely ...

A group of robbers burst into a bank and line everybody inside up against the wall.

They then proceed to take anything of monetary value from the people. Among those about to be robbed are two bank accountants.
Suddenly, one of them thrusts something into the hand of the other.
“What’s this?” He whispered.
“It’s the fifty bucks I owe you.”

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

Two idiots want to escape prison

One says "Go to the wall, if it's short enough we'll jump over it. If it's too tall, we'll dig a tunnel."

The other one goes outside to check.

When he returns, he says "Dude, we can't escape."

"What!? Why?"



"There's no wall"

A guy is walking into a bar...

Guy: " Give me a beer, you son of a b***".

Bartender: "Here's your beer, but next time be more polite or I will nail you to the wall up there."


On the next day. The guy walks into the same bar and politely asks "I beg your pardon, Sir. Do you have a hammer and some nails?"

B...

Coronavirus arrives in the USA.

Mexico: So, about that wall......

Two brothers own a painting company

They make their money by mixing paint with water, painting houses, and getting out of town before their clients realise what's wrong. They do this for years and make a financial killing. But one night, while they are painting a house, it starts to rain. The paint starts washing off of the wall as th...

Why is it so difficult to remodel x-rated theaters?

All the walls are load-bearing.

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

Why can't Madonna walk through walls?

Because we're living in a material world and she's a material girl.

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

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Some pervert broke into my house today and jerked off on my wall.

It’s ok though. It was a load bearing wall.

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Guy sitting in a bar notices a sign on the wall that says, "Lawyers are assholes".

"Hey, I resent that!"


"Why? You a lawyer?"


"No, I’m an asshole."

I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long.

He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."

I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in t...

The big moron and the little moron were sitting on a wall. The big moron fell off but the little one didn't. Why?

Because he was a little moron

If Mexico is paying for the wall and China paying for the tariffs

Can somebody pay for my bills?

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The FBI had an open position for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter wha...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...



The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives...

So the other day, I was curious what would happen if I licked a wall outlet...

So I did it...



Needless to say, I was shocked.

Trump ran on wanting to build a wall. And I think that’s his one good idea, because walls work. It’s irrefutable.

I was in China last year. I didn’t see one Mexican.



\- Jimmy Carr

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A little old lady walked into the Bank of Canada

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "it’s a lot of money." After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office. The ...

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Little Johnny and his dad.

One night little Johnny wakes up to hear some banging on his bedroom wall and his mom sounding like she was in pain. He jumps out of bed and runs to his parents room, opens the door to find his dad on top of his mom giving her a good seeing too.
Little Johnny is horrified and shouts at his dad,<...

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