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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.

“What’s wrong with him?” he asks his assistant.
“He came in for some cough syrup,” the assistant explains “but I couldn’t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead”.
“What?!” the chemist says, horrified. “You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
“Of course you can,” the assist...

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall while carrying the coffin and when they do so they hear a faint moan...

So they open the casket only to find that the woman inside is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years after this and then eventually dies and so there's another funeral for her.

At the end of the service, as the pallbearers carry out the casket, the husband cries out, "Watch out fo...

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “What are all those clocks?” St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that sh...

We should use Hillary Clinton's emails to build a wall

Because a lot of people can't seem to get over it.

How many babies does it take to paint a wall

Depends how hard you throw them

I know now why Trump wants to build a wall

It's been years since he managed to erect anything

What do you get when you mix alcohol and wall painting?

Plastered.

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What do you call nuts on the wall? -Walnuts. What do you call nuts on your chest? - Chestnuts. What do you call nuts on your chin?... ? ? .. nothing because you’ve got a mouth full of dick.

Lool my uncle told me this yesterday it is an absolute cracker ;)

Have you heard about the guy who drove his S-Class into a wall?

He wanted to see how his Mercedes bends.

Why can't Madonna walk through walls?

Because we're living in a material world and she's a material girl.

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An Amish boy and his father are visiting a nearby mall. They are amazed by almost everything they see, but especially by two shiny silver walls that move apart and back together again by themselves.

The lad asks, “What is this, father?”



The father, having never seen an elevator, responds, “I have no idea what it is.”



While the boy and his father are watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to the moving walls and presses a button. The walls open and...

As I parked, my friend said I wasn’t totally perpendicular to the wall.

I checked on it and I guess he was right to a certain degree

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

A man goes into a bar

A man goes into a bar and admires the stuffed lion’s head mounted on the wall. “What a great trophy,” says the man to the bartender. “I wouldn’t call it great,” replies the bartender. “That damn lion killed my wife.” “My God,” says the man, “were you on safari?” “No,” replies the bartender. “It fell...

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

A fish swims and hits a concrete wall,

"Dam," yelled the fish.

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

There's a hole in the nudist camp's wall

...the police are looking into it.

Why do people never do themselves what they want others to do? BUILD BRIDGES NOT WALLS!!!

No u.

What did the fish say when it swam into the wall?

Damn.

Who is paying for the wall?

Mexico
Mexic
Mexi
Mex
Me

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I decided to brighten my neighborhood by decorating my boundary wall with dildos

My neighbour is livid but his wife is still on the fence

Hey Trump supporters, can I tell you a joke about the wall?

Never mind, you won’t get it.

What do Mexicans think about Trumps wall?

They'll get over it.

A handyman was securing a bolt into a wall when he got distracted by a beautiful woman.

He ended up busting a nut.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food and drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own feces.

After that, we never played Monopoly again.

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Trump's gonna build the wall out of...

Hillary's emails. Nobody can get over those fuckin' things apparently

Why are there walls around a cemetery

Because people are dying to get in

A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman go fishing...

They fish quite happily for a while until the German catches a huge golden fish, but as he pulls it off the hook it says "Please don't kill me! Spare my life and I'll grant you all a wish!"

The German throws the fish back and says "I wish for a mug of beer that will never empty", and immediat...

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

My Dad installed a shelf in the wall of the shower today. It's nice, but it wont appeal to everyone

It's a bit niche

I dumped my girlfriend when she said she had the banner of the USSR on her wall.

It's a huge red flag.

It's a nice day outside, but it's too bright for my dog. He ran right into a wall after getting away from me!

I tried chasing him, but now I need to buy new glasses.

I was gonna break up with an ex-girlfriend because she had a Linkin Park poster on her wall

But in the end, it doesn’t even matter

At first I was depressed when they put me in prison for life behind a metre-high wall

But I soon got over it

Two fish are swimming in a river when they both run into a brick wall...

One looks at the other and says "dam"

What do Dale Earnhardt Sr and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall!

An Irishman and an Englishman find a lamp

Upon rubbing it a genie pops out and says For freeing me, I will grant you each one wish!"
The Englishman says "I love my country, but it's being ruined by foreigners. I wish a wall to be built around it so that no one else can get in."
The genie says, "Done. And you, Irishman?"
The Irishm...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

I made a funny joke about Donald Trump’s wall, but I forgot it...

All I remember was that it was borderline racist

Windows might be better than Walls.

But we won't know until Bill Gates become President

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Trump’s wall is just like his penis.

He keeps talking about how great it will be, but nobody wants to see it, and he can’t even get it up.

Although we may never see Trump Wall...

... we all just got to see Trump Cave.

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water

Trump should hire the Chinese to build the wall.

They had one for over 2000 years and they still don't have any Mexicans.

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A mexican with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?

His lawnmower.

A Jew with a boner runs into a wall, what does he break?
His nose.

A thai woman runs into a wall, what does he break?
Her boner.

If we did build a wall, it definitely would work

China built a wall, do you see any Mexicans there?

Humpty Dumpty was sitting on a wall

A man came , and told him a joke. That made Humpty Dumpty to crack .

Why does Trump like Minecraft?

He doesn’t, it’s fake news but does appeal to his key demographic of miners and wall builders.

You know what, I'm starting to think the wall might be a good idea.

I mean, China built one and I don't see any Mexicans over there.

I got mad and threw my mouse at the wall because it wasn’t working..

I don’t know why the people at the vet are giving me that look.

What do you call an Irishman that won't stop bouncing off the walls?

Rick O'Shea

Today i saw a dwarf prisoner climbing down the wall

i thought to myself, that's a little condescending.

Did you guys hear this joke about Trumps Mexican border wall?

It’s hilarious. I’m still trying to get over it.

Coming from a Chinese person, Trump's wall totally works.

I can confirm there are no Mexicans in China.

Mexicans were asked what they thought of Trump's border wall. They replied, "we're very upset...

...but we'll get over it."

Breaking News: Government shutdown ends as Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition that he gets to install windows.

Donald Trump promised a wall, but he keeps changing what this wall comprises.

He seems to be on the fence about it.

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A Wall Street playboy has seen it all

Using his wealth to fuel his expensive fetishes and sexual desires, he begins running out of new things to try. One night he’s looking through one of his normal smutty magazines, when he sees an ad that simply claims “something you’ve never tried before”.

Why not, he thinks to himself before...

Trumps wall is fool-proof...

Take china for example, they've had a wall for 2000 years and still no mexicans.

My wife accidentally hit a wall with her elbow and said “Ow! That was my not-funny bone!”

I disagreed. It was humerus.

This is now the longest government shut down in US History. In lighter news, if seeing who will crack first on the border wall is prolonging it, then this shut down truly is...

a Mexican stand off.

I asked my Mexican friend if he will be upset if Trump manages to build the wall.

He said, “ Eh. I’ll get over it.”

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

Two communist soldiers stood by the Berlin wall during The Cold War.

Soldier 1: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Soldier 2: Yes I am.

Soldier 1: Then I'll have to arrest you.

The Democrats agreed to sign over $6 Billion for the construction of the border wall, on one condition... that Trump stay on the other side.

Trump agreed.



...but Mexicans refused.

How do the Mexicans feel about Trump building a wall on the boarder?

They’ll get over it

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Trump is doing everything in his power to make Mexico pay for the wall

By acting so batshit crazy they want to build the wall themselves for protection

If Game of Thrones teaches us anything it is that Mexico should build the wall.

Whingers are coming.

Trump’s wall is like his approval ratings

They’re both never going up

Even though we didn't get the glorious wall the president promised...

We did get a massive cave.

Today, Senate Republicans declared that they see no path forward to end the government shutdown

In other words: they've hit a wall

Since Mexico won’t pay for the wall

Americans will have to Putin their own money

What do you call a skeleton trying to sell a wall?

Ann Coulter

Trump legalizes marijuana to pay for the wall with the tax revenues.

This really stirred the pot.

Idk why flies can walk on walls,

But when I do it I’m “possessed” and “need an excorsicm.”

Sick of people these days smh

A Blonde, a Brunette and a Redhead are against a wall to be executed by a firing line.

Each is given an opportunity for last words. The Redhead is up first: she points and screams "Tornado!" Everyone freaks out and in the commotion she gets away. The Brunette is second and catches on the the plan: she points and screams "Tsunami," fleeing in the confusion. The Blonde has worked out a ...

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

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My wife went out today, so I had my hands full watching our daughter. She's kind of a whirling dervish, running around, bouncing off the walls, when suddenly, she stopped to play with my computer, broke the R button and tried to eat it...

She craves anarchy...

If Trump gets a coin every time he gets criticized

He would have built the wall using his own money.

What do you name an Irish baby that bounces when you throw it at a wall?

Rick O’Shea

I tried to make a Berlin Wall joke but

It got taken down

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