What do you call a Mexican with a rubber toe?

Roberto

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

What do you call a shirt made out of rubber?

A Croc Top

I just got a check from the rubber company

It bounced

Rubber bullets are like Batman

They won't kill you, but you'll probably be disfigured for life after encountering one.

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering.

Turns out I should have been self-isolating.

A band should name themselves "rubber"

So they'll be known as the rubber band.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

What's the difference between a rubber tire and 365 condoms?

One's a goodyear, one's a great year!

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What are the similarities between doing a bungee jump and sleeping with a prostitute?

Both cost £50.
Both last 30 seconds.
And if the rubber snaps you're fucked.

I will never go Bungee jumping.

A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isnt taking me out

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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A young sheep, out to pasture, is suddenly cornered by a farmer and tied up.

The young sheep faints of fright, and when he awakens immediately runs back to his flock.

Bleating wildly, he exclaims “how could the farmer do this to me!”

A wise elder sheep says, “calm down, son. What happened?”

The young sheep, still hysterical, cries “i was the most beau...

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

What does red paint smell like?

Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

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I was 18

I was 18 or so and I went out to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was inexperienced. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to put it on. I said 'No, this is my first time'. Next thing i knew, she open...

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

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Looking to spice up your sex life?

Wear a rubber glove next time so it feels like someone else's hand.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

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Sex is like bungee jumping

If the rubber breaks you're fucked.

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.

The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standi...

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Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

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I don't get why people hate condoms that much.

It's just a piece of fucking rubber.

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

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What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?

The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

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A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

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A man goes to a pharmacy every day for a week.

Every time he walks up to the pharmacist, he asks her if she carries condoms. Her reply each time was a curt "No," though he could see the boxes just behind the counter. So he decided that he needed a change of tactic, so he tried calling them rubbers.

"Hello, do you carry any rubbers?"
...

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

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Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

How are women and electricity similar?

You don't wanna mess around with either without rubber.

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

Why are the wheels of the trains made with iron and not rubber?

Because if they were made with rubber, they would erase the line.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregati...

Q: What is vulcanized rubber?

A: Spock’s birth control.

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

Have you heard about the sober rubber duck?

He’s been squeaky clean for 8 months

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I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

I have a pun about rubber bands...

But it's a bit of a stretch.

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek

The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?”

The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.”

Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Golden Sky?”

“Because he...

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

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