What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

It cost a lot for our rubber dinghy, even back then. Let’s get it ready again!

(Adjusted for inflation)

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

I just got a check from the rubber company

It bounced

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A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

What happens if you put a condom on inside out?

You rubber the wrong way.

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An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

A band should name themselves "rubber"

So they'll be known as the rubber band.

What's the difference between a rubber tire and 365 condoms?

One's a goodyear, one's a great year!

For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering.

Turns out I should have been self-isolating.

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

I'm never going bungee jumping.

Broken rubber brought me into the world. It's not going to take me out.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

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Three guys are sitting in a bar ...

When the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The ...

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

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One of my favorite jokes

So there was a cucumber, pickle, and penis talking about how bad their lives were.

The cucumber says, "My life is terrible! When I get big and hard they chop me up and put me in a salad!!"

The pickle says, "That's nothing! When I get big and hard, they stick my in a jar full of vinegar...

What band is most appropriate in an office setting?

A rubber band.

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What's similar between casual sex and bungee jumping?

Somebody dies if the rubber breaks.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

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After sex the dude rolls off the condom, ties a knot on it and throws it into the bin.

The girl goes "I wonder if any of the sperms in there made it to my uterus, what would they have become later in life" The guy responds "If any of them make it out of the rubber, climb out of the bin and get you pregnant, they'd be David Copperfield"

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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What are the similarities between doing a bungee jump and sleeping with a prostitute?

Both cost £50.
Both last 30 seconds.
And if the rubber snaps you're fucked.

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A man was diagnosed with infertility

Even after trying several meds he couldn't find cure. One day he was suggested by a friend to visit a miraculous hermit outside the town who claimed to cure all kinds of ailments. The man visits the hermit and describes his problem.

The hermit said: "I have a solution. Here are 2 magical cond...

There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant!! Which Male pencil is responsible?

The one without the rubber.

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

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Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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A young sheep, out to pasture, is suddenly cornered by a farmer and tied up.

The young sheep faints of fright, and when he awakens immediately runs back to his flock.

Bleating wildly, he exclaims “how could the farmer do this to me!”

A wise elder sheep says, “calm down, son. What happened?”

The young sheep, still hysterical, cries “i was the most beau...

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I was 18

I was 18 or so and I went out to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was inexperienced. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to put it on. I said 'No, this is my first time'. Next thing i knew, she open...

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

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Whats the similarities between bungy jumping and cheating?

First you dont dare and if the rubber breaks you are fucked

What does red paint smell like?

Chlorinated rubber, water, isopropanol, titanium dioxide, castoreum

Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.

The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standi...

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

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Looking to spice up your sex life?

Wear a rubber glove next time so it feels like someone else's hand.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

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A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

Why are the wheels of the trains made with iron and not rubber?

Because if they were made with rubber, they would erase the line.

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

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I don't get why people hate condoms that much.

It's just a piece of fucking rubber.

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

Q: What is vulcanized rubber?

A: Spock’s birth control.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

How are women and electricity similar?

You don't wanna mess around with either without rubber.

I have a pun about rubber bands...

But it's a bit of a stretch.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

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