What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

I got fired from the rubber band factory yesterday...

My first thought was "Oh snap!"

​

(Again from my son)

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

What do you get when you cross a shrubbery with a pig?

A hedgehog!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

Did you hear the largest rubber band ball has 200 Million rubber bands?

I think it’s a bit of a stretch.

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

Q: What is vulcanized rubber?

A: Spock’s birth control.

Have you heard about the sober rubber duck?

He’s been squeaky clean for 8 months

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

Why are the wheels of the trains made with iron and not rubber?

Because if they were made with rubber, they would erase the line.

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

The competition is realy hard among the rubber manufacturers

The british manufacturer says: During the renovation of the Big Ben, a worker fell down from the top of the tower, but his braces hitched into a ledge, so he survived. The british rubber industry is the best.
The american says: That is nothing. When the empire state building was built a worker al...

I have a pun about rubber bands...

But it's a bit of a stretch.

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

I asked this girl in my class for a rubber...

forgot that in the U.S. they call it an eraser

A boy was snapping rubber bands on his friends arm

He kept doing it in the same spot every second, over and over again until the friend eventually said, "Ouch, that one Hertz."

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

The Russian army orders 100K rubbers from a US company, specifying 12" fit needed.

The US firm fills the order with packaging marked "MEDIUM."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. It says in the bible, Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 10 miles.

What kind of music does a rubber duck listen to?

Rub-a-dubstep!