Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then...

What do you call a man with a toe made of rubber?

Roberto

My girlfriend will only jack me off with rubber gloves thanks to Coronavirus

Its causing a lot of friction in our relationship.

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering.

Turns out I should have been self-isolating.

What's the difference between a rubber tire and 365 condoms?

One's a goodyear, one's a great year!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

A band should name themselves "rubber"

So they'll be known as the rubber band.

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?

Cause' I found the rubber band

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.

She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 2...

Bungee jumping

I would never go bungee jumping because a broken rubber brought me into this world and a broke rubber isn’t taking me out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

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Sex is like bungee jumping

If the rubber breaks you're fucked.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does sex and bungee jumping have in common?

The thrill only lasts about 30 seconds,and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.

The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standi...

A Native American boy is talking to his father...

And he says “Father, the other children at school are teasing me about my name!”

Father: “Son, your name is very special. In our tribe we name our children after a significant event that occurred during conception.

For example, when your sister Falling Water was conceived a torrential ...

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

Lawyer’s

An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “...

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

I’m not going to bungee jump.

I was born because of broken rubber and i’m not gonna die the same way.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My company created dotted rubber condoms with gold rings on them

Little did we know that only Apple has the patent to create Expensive ass items for dicks to please

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Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.

The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad!

The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices...

THE BACK PEW

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so
would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregati...

How are women and electricity similar?

You don't wanna mess around with either without rubber.

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

What does Spock use as birth control?

Vulcanized Rubber.

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I get pulled over and the officer says “do you have alcohol in the car?

Me: yes officer, do you want some?

Officer: are you trying to bribe me?

Me: no officer, I’m just being friendly

Officer: I don’t know where you’re from, but around here offering an officer alcohol is not friendly

Me: I’m sorry officer. I really think you could use some th...

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

A Native American boy and his father are walking by a creek

The boy looks to his father and asks, “Father, why does my sister have the name Beautiful River?”

The father answers, “That’s because she was conceived next to the most beautiful river.”

Unsatisfied with the answer, he asks, “So why is my brother named Golden Sky?”

“Because he...

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Dr. Visit for a colonoscopy

I went into my proctologist's office for my first rectal exam. His new nurse, Evelyn, took me to an examining room and told me to get undressed and have a seat until the doctor could see me. She said that he would only be a few minutes.

After putting on the gown that she gave me I sat down. ...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

Daddy, am I allowed to go for a Bungee-Jump?

No way son! Your life began with a broken rubber. It shall not end the same way.

A young man's truck breaks down in rural Georgia right next to a farm

After trying (and failing) to fix his truck, he decides to ask the farmer if he can spend the night at his house. The farmer reluctantly agrees, saying "The only room I have available is across from my 18 year old daughter's room. I don't want to see you trying anything." As the farmer leads the you...

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

NSFW: what do your mom and a nascar driver have in common?

They both burn 4 rubbers a day

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

Why are the wheels of the trains made with iron and not rubber?

Because if they were made with rubber, they would erase the line.

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

What does a Bungee Jump & a Hooker have in common?

They are both cheap and fast but if your rubber breaks you're pretty much screwed.

Have you heard about the sober rubber duck?

He’s been squeaky clean for 8 months

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

I have a pun about rubber bands...

But it's a bit of a stretch.

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

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