Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?



Roberto.

We need to stop making jokes about common uses for rubber.

It's a tired subject.

I called my home insurance company today. I asked them to insure my antique rubber band collection.

They said “that’ll be a stretch”

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My friend works at a rubber dog-poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

It cost a lot for our rubber dinghy, even back then. Let’s get it ready again!

(Adjusted for inflation)

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What is stretchier, human skin or rubber bands

Human skin because in the Bible it says Jesus tied his ass to a tree and walked 40 miles

Excuse me, did anyone lose a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because I found the 20 dollar bills...

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

I just got a check from the rubber company

It bounced

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

What's the difference between a rubber tire and 365 condoms?

One's a goodyear, one's a great year!

A band should name themselves "rubber"

So they'll be known as the rubber band.

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering.

Turns out I should have been self-isolating.

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

So I thought I'd start my own rock band

I wanted to call it The Rubber Band.

But I thought that was a bit of a stretch.

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

A man is asked by his colleagues why he never goes on their annual bungee-jumping trips.

He says, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."

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A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

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Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

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A trial in UK

A young woman who was several months pregnant was sitting in a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on seeing him laughing more. She filed a court case on hi...

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

Sherlock Holmes and his assistant Watson are solving a mystery

Sherlock: all the bodies were outside he school gates

Watson: how do you know that? I don’t see them.

Sherlock: Elementary my dear Watson, I can see blood that must have congregated around the bodies forming these shapes *points at the ground*

Watson: well what else do you know?...

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.

The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standi...

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

I refuse to go bungie jumping

I came into this world because or a broken rubber, I’m not leaving because of one.

After eating 100 rubber balls, I got so depressed that I decided to jump off a tall building

but I bounced back

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

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What's similar between casual sex and bungee jumping?

Somebody dies if the rubber breaks.

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

Three CEOs of car companies are kidnapped.

They are told to either pay $1bn for release, or attempt to escape 3 hazard-filled miles out of the city using any method of transportation they choose.

The first CEO asks for a Ford Mustang. He makes it one mile before being spotted by a group of snipers and eliminated.

The second CEO...

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[NSFW] A young woman seduces and marries a 90 year old rich man in hopes of quickly inheriting his wealth...

She’s convinced he won’t even survive their wedding night so she takes care to find the sexiest negligee and high heels certain to give him a heart attack on sight. That night after the wedding she finishes getting ready in the bathroom and she seductively saunters out to the bedroom expecting to ma...

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What are the similarities between doing a bungee jump and sleeping with a prostitute?

Both cost £50.
Both last 30 seconds.
And if the rubber snaps you're fucked.

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Three guys are sitting in a bar ...

When the first guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she carries an automatic garage door opener in her car and she doesn't have an automatic garage door."

The second guy says, "My wife is so dumb, she has a cellular phone antenna on her car and she doesn't even have a cellular phone."

The ...

Q: What is vulcanized rubber?

A: Spock’s birth control.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

I asked this girl in my class for a rubber...

forgot that in the U.S. they call it an eraser

What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

A chap Tours a factory that produces latex products.

A chap is going on tour of a factory that produces latex products.
At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud Hiss-Pop! noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold," explains the guide. "The popping sound is a ...

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