Guy : Doctor, my Girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never broke. How is it possible?

Doctor : Let me tell you a story: "There was once a Hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his Umbrella instead of his Gun and went out. A Lion suddenly jumped infront of him. In order to scare the Lion, the Hunter used the Umbrella like a Gun, and shot the Lion, then ...

I’ve designed an aeroplane made entirely from rubber, so if it crashed, it would bounce

It’s a boing 747

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are tasked with finding the volume of a rubber ball

The mathematician takes the ball, measures its diameter, then calculates the volume.

The physicist submerges the ball in water and measures the amount of water displaced.

The engineer twists and turns the ball, looking for the model number.

We need to stop making jokes about common uses for rubber.

It's a tired subject.

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My friend works at a rubber dog-poop factory.

He'll never get rich, but he makes doo.

What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

There once was a woman who became horribly addicted to eating little rubber clocks from dollar general...

eventually she had to stop because it was becoming to time consuming.

What do you call a group of condoms who make music.

A Rubber Band.

It cost a lot for our rubber dinghy, even back then. Let’s get it ready again!

(Adjusted for inflation)

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

I called my home insurance company today. I asked them to insure my antique rubber band collection.

They said “that’ll be a stretch”

Some Yank had the audacity to say us Texans were dumb for not having Snow Tires. Bless their heart.

We may not have as much experience as y'all Yanks when it comes to snow, but after tinkering with it a couple minutes I think all of us Texans can agree to try and make a tire out of snow is a pretty dumb idea.


We'll keep our tires made of rubber, thanks.

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus.

When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had

him arrested.

When the case came before the cou...

Excuse me, did anyone lose a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because I found the 20 dollar bills...

3 clowns are in a judge's courtroom.

The judge, a little thrown off by the individuals turns to the attractive girl clown and asks,
"Miss, what brings you to my courtroom today?"
The girl clown responds,
"I'm here because I was blowing bubbles!"
The judge, even more confused, turns to the second clown. This one being a very...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

What is the Michelin man most afraid of?

Broken Rubber

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3 farmers were talking about how they have sex with their sheep. The first one said “I put it’s back legs down my wellies so it can’t run off”. The second said “I put its back legs down my wellies and it’s front legs over a wall, gives a different position”

The third says “I put its back legs down my wellies, with it facing me and put its front legs over my shoulders”
“Why do you do that” asked the others, “well, I don’t want to miss out on the kissing”

Edit - Wellies = Wellington Boots = Gum Boots = Rubber Boots

A mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to Tesco they said.

I felt a fool. Everyone else was wearing clothes.

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

A band should name themselves "rubber"

So they'll be known as the rubber band.

I just got a check from the rubber company

It bounced

There were two farmers who each had a horse in the same field

In order to tell them apart they had a little rubber band tied round one of the horse's tails. every day they would come to the field and feel up and down the horses' tails until they found the rubber band.

One day they lost the rubber band and didn't know what to do. Then one farmer said to ...

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

Son: "This rubber ball is awesome!"

Dad: "If only I knew how awesome rubber was when I was younger, I wouldn't have to waste my money on these useless toys."

What's the difference between a rubber tire and 365 condoms?

One's a goodyear, one's a great year!

For the last two weeks I've been walking around dressed in cladding and rubber pipe covering.

Turns out I should have been self-isolating.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

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Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

A funny story written by some of my Chinese students, 10/11 years old. i hope it makes you laugh

The Foolish Farmer


 
A long time ago, there was a farmer who had never been to the city before. One day, he went to the supermarket in the city. He saw a rubber that was like a small car. He asked the seller, “Why is this car so small?”
 


The seller replied, “ Its not a c...

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

A pastor asked his congregation for a raise...

A pastor's wife was pregnant, and he asked his congregation for a pay raise... they took a vote, and decided that every time a pastor had a child, their pay would be increased...

...after the preacher's 6th child, the congregation began to get uneasy about the pastor's high pay rate. They met...

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

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Johnny was depressed.

Johnny was feeling depressed because he was 30 years old, never had sex or a girlfriend. So, he goes outside to pick a tree. He finds a good tall one, with a rope that he makes a noose and places a ladder to stand on. About the time Johnny put his head in the noose along comes Sam ( Johnny 's best f...

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

What do you call a rubber loop that you put rocks and bread into?

A rock and roll band.

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My company created dotted rubber condoms with gold rings on them

Little did we know that only Apple has the patent to create Expensive ass items for dicks to please

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car...

The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"

The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."

The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"

The other one answered," No, p...

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.

The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standi...

So I thought I'd start my own rock band

I wanted to call it The Rubber Band.

But I thought that was a bit of a stretch.

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The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

The Old Lady and the Gentleman-for-Hire

A little old lady checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in the phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a fu...

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

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A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

A man is asked by his colleagues why he never goes on their annual bungee-jumping trips.

He says, "A broken rubber brought me into this world. I'm not letting one take me out of it."

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

My wife accused me of being immature in the bathroom

Hell’ She’s the one who keeps sinking my rubber ducks

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

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#929: A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

Q: What is vulcanized rubber?

A: Spock’s birth control.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

I asked this girl in my class for a rubber...

forgot that in the U.S. they call it an eraser

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

A boy was snapping rubber bands on his friends arm

He kept doing it in the same spot every second, over and over again until the friend eventually said, "Ouch, that one Hertz."

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