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I was cleaning out my closet and found an old pair of jeans on the top shelf. Inside of them was a huge rubber penis. I showed my wife what I found and asked for an explanation.

She said, “Honey, you know I never lie. This way, when I tell you that you have a huge cock in your pants, I’m not lying.”

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?

Roberto

A guy goes to his doctor and says, my girlfriend is pregnant but we always use protection and the rubber never breaks. How is it possible? Let me tell you a story, the doctor says...

There was once a hunter who always carried a gun wherever he went. One day he took out his umbrella instead of his gun and went out. A lion suddenly jumped in front of him. In order to scare the lion the hunter used the umbrella like a gun, and shot the lion. It died.

Guy: Nonsense! Someone e...

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

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Which stretches further, skin or rubber?

Skin. The Bible says that Moses tied his ass to a tree then walked for 40 miles.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

Why did the rubber ducky got to the bathroom?

He had to take a squeak.

Rubber

A very old man with a walking stick gets on a bus, no seats available, he stands beside a teenager, who just looks at the old guy. Suddenly, the bus breaks hard and the old man falls flat on the floor.

The kid says:" Old man, if you had a rubber at the end of your stick, you'd still be standi...

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A big rubber dildo hits the windshield of the family car

Daughter in the back says: "what was that?"

Mother answers: "nothing sweetheart.... Just a big fat bug"

Daughter replies: "it had a huge dick though!"

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe....

Robertoe.
Courtesy of my 8 year old daughter.

I lost my rubber band ball earlier...

I still haven't bounced back :(

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A cargo ship sank in the ocean. The cargo, Idaho potatoes and rubber penises, floated in the vicinity.

The Coast Guard had received a distress call, but a chopper arrived to find no ship in the water. Seeing the cargo strewn about on the ocean, they decided to send a diver down to look for the ship.


"I already know what kind of ship to look for," the diver told the chopper pilot.
...

I got fired from the rubber band factory yesterday...

My first thought was "Oh snap!"



(Again from my son)

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My company created dotted rubber condoms with gold rings on them

Little did we know that only Apple has the patent to create Expensive ass items for dicks to please

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Why did the rubber go flying across the room?

It got pissed off.

I removed the rubber from the wheels on my car

It is now working tirelessly

Has anybody lost a large roll of 20 dollar bills in a rubber band?

Because we found the rubber band.

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A man is going on vacation

A man is going on vacation to a far away island and has to fly there. The man wants to bring drugs with him on the flight, but knowing he isn’t allowed he shoves them up his butt in hopes to conceal them. When he is sent through the x-ray scanner, the security agents notice something is wrong. They ...

The Indian chief goes to the white man doctor and asks "Too many papoose! What do?"

The doc gives him a condom, and explains the principles.

A couple of months later, the chief comes back, saying "No good! Right nut go urggh! Left nut go urrgh! Rubber go boom!"

So the doc cuts a few custom "rubbers" out of the fingers of a heavy duty latex glove, saying "Try these...

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My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

The teacher's pet.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.  "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Li...

A man goes to the Doctor for a prostate exam.

The Doctor puts on his rubber glove and the man bends down. The Doctor sticks his finger and proceeds with the checkup. After about a minute the Doctor says:

\- Don't worry, it's very normal to get an erection during this exam.

The man replies:

\- But I don't have an erection....

What should you do with 365 used rubbers?

Melt ‘em into a tire and call it a GoodYear

What do you call a musical group made of rubber?

An elastic band.

I once had a job at a t-shirt factory

I once had a job in a t-shirt factory. Every day, t-shirts would come down the line, and using this big rubber stamp, I’d apply a handful of dots to them, at random, to just given them a general design that wasn’t blank t-shirt. It was soul sucking, but it paid the bills.

However, I kept run...

What sound does a rubber airplane make?

Boeing

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A 75 year old lady says to her husband...

"You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."

Her husband says, "Sure, that's a good idea dear."

So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.

Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and p...

Girlfriends parents weren’t home, hormones were flowing, I stopped at a gas station to grab a box of rubbers. Cashier - “Do you need a bag with that?”

Me - No man! She’s beautiful!

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(LONG) 1lb Butter, 1 Gallon of Milk, 1 Pair of Rubber Pants.

One day, a man was traveling through a small town and needed a place to stay for a couple days. He stopped by the local hotel but they were full. A man standing nearby stated that there was a couple in town who sometimes let people stay at their house, so he went to check it out.

Sure enough,...

Amongst the usual queue of studded leather, chained piercings and rubber appendages, the S&M club doorman was surprised to see a bespectacled man in a shirt and tie standing patiently, a calculator in one hand. "Who are you, are you lost?" asked the doorman.

"Oh, I'm the statistician" came the reply.

"Then...what are you here for?"

With an unsettling grin, the statistician produced a pencil from his back pocket.
"Just standard deviation."

A guy walks into a restaurant and orders a rubber band sandwich ...

He says “And make it snappy”

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An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane...

An American tourist is on holidays along the west of Ireland, tracing his roots, hiking the many hills and cliffs along the coast. Pausing to enjoy the breathtaking view, amongst all the green he notices a dirty old tractor putt-putt-putting along a country lane.

As it comes closer, he notice...

I’m never going bungee jumping

A broken rubber brought me into this world so I’m not gonna let one take me out.

A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathematician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his "Red-Rubber-Ball" table.

Perfect condoms/rubbers

The immaculate contraception

In a pinch, you can cut the fingers off of rubber gloves and use each of them as a contraceptive.

Just a handy tip.

At the mall today I saw a toddler gnawing on a small rubber duck.

I asked him if it tasted like quackers.

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A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she

noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on

account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She

moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. S...

Q: What is vulcanized rubber?

A: Spock’s birth control.

Why are the wheels of the trains made with iron and not rubber?

Because if they were made with rubber, they would erase the line.

A 16 y/o boy asks his mom if he can go bungee jumping

His mom's answer: "No, you were born of broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

Have you heard about the sober rubber duck?

He’s been squeaky clean for 8 months

Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Why are rubber tires black?

So the police know what to shoot at during a chase

I'm afraid to try bungie jumping.

Was already born because of broken rubber, don't want to die because of it.

How do you escape from a windowless bunker with a sealed vault door using only a rubber band and a puddle of water?

1).Look into the puddle and see what you saw.

2). Pick up the saw and cut the rubber band in half

3).Pick up the 2 halves of the rubber band.

4). 1 half plus 1 half equals 1 whole.

5). Use the whole on the door and escape.

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Last week I checked into my hotel in Tampa and was a bit lonely...

..I thought, I'd call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy h...

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 9 children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man a...

A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.

"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."



"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."

Ole and Sven are invited to a costume party with their girlfriends.

The party invitation says to come dressed as an emotion. After a day of deliberating, they all agree to meet at Sven’s place before going to the party. Just before Sven is about to put his costume on, there’s a knock on the door. Outside is his girlfriend, Hilda, who’s dressed head to toe in bright ...

I have a pun about rubber bands...

But it's a bit of a stretch.

A limerick from Cape Horn

There once was a man from Cape Horn,


who wished he never was born.


And he wouldn't have been


if his father had seen


that the top of the rubber was torn.

The competition is realy hard among the rubber manufacturers

The british manufacturer says: During the renovation of the Big Ben, a worker fell down from the top of the tower, but his braces hitched into a ledge, so he survived. The british rubber industry is the best.
The american says: That is nothing. When the empire state building was built a worker al...

My brother lost his job at the rubber factory

... but I think he'll bounce back.

I made a car entirely out of pencils, rubbers, rulers and notebooks. Went to turn the key..

Stayed stationary.

What did the rubber ball say when he left the yo-yo's late night house party?

You better get some sleep - I'm gonna bounce!

This Gum Tastes Like Rubber

Condom-vending Machines are provided in some restrooms. When it comes to wall-scrawl, these dispensers take as much abuse as the wall above the urinals and the wisdom written in the stalls. Here are samples of what was scratched into the paint of various dispensers in the USA:

'This gum taste...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were sitting around talking about how much they hate their lives... [NSFW]

The cucumber said, "man my life sucks the most, whenever i get big, fat, and juicy someone chops me up and throws me in a salad. The pickle speaks up, "man you dont know shit, when i get big, fat, and juicy someone sticks me in vinegar, covers me in spices, and closes me in a jar. The penis has had ...

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NSFW A young bride-to-be confides in her mother on her wedding night that she isn’t a virgin and is worried her husband will not love her once he finds out.

“Oh honey, just do what I did with your father. Put a rubber band around your thigh and when he enters you the first time just snap the rubber band. He won’t know any different.”

Come the wedding night and heeding her moms advice the bride snaps the band as the deed is done. Her husband yel...

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.

On the first night ...

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