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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the movin...

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Guy hears about a prostitute at a local motel, so he goes and knocks on the door ...

A voice answers, asking what he wants.
GUY: "I want to get fucked."
Voice: "Sure, slide $20 under the door."
The guy slides it under, stands and waits. After a few minutes pass and the door still hasn't opened, he knocks again...
Guy: "I said, I'm here to get fucked!"
Vo...

Wife strikes again but stronger than before!

A fireman comes home from work one day and tells his wife, "We had a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings, we put on our jackets;

Bell 2 rings, we slide down the pole;

Bell 3 rings, we're on the trucks.

From now on, we're going to run this house the same...

A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden

_Here's one I vividly remember being told by a kid in a playground when I was about 5 years old._


A barman tells three regulars that he has a magic slide in the beer garden. Incredulous they demand to see it for themselves.

When they get into the garden they see the slide is signif...

It's green, hairy, and slides down a mountain...

A skiwi.

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A newly married couple visit a doctor.

The doctors asks, "What's the problem?"

Husband replies, "There is a bee stuck in my wife's vagina."

Doctor asks, "How the hell did it get in there??"

Husband, "I'm not sure, but maybe one of the bees, from the beehive right next to our house, happened to get in there, when my w...

Three (slightly drunk) men stumble upon a slide in the park.

After reading a plaque on the slide, the men figure out that whatever you say on the slide is what you slide into.

the first man slides down and yells “GOLD!” and falls into a chest full of gold coins.

the second man slides down and yells “BEER!” and falls into a box full of beer bottl...

Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.

Me: *Slides him a $37 bill*. What about now?

What’s worse than sitting on Santa’s lap and he gets a woody?

When he stands up and you don’t slide off.

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor of the kitchen, quietly slide it under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be.....water under the fridge

The DJ played the Cha Cha Slide, so I did the Cha Cha Slide,

The DJ played Macarena, so I did the Macarena,

The DJ played Come On Eileen, and now I have an upcoming court appearance.

A New Yorker Asks for a Cab Ride to Chicago

A man gets in a cab at 33rd St. and Park Ave. and says, "I need to get to the Palmer House."

The cabbie says, "The Palmer House Hotel?"

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "That's on Wabash in Chicago."

The man says, "Yeah."

The cabbie says, "I'm not gonna drive...

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

What do Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?

You have to be asleep before they can slide down the chimney

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A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually

He goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.



Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African medicine man.



The medicine man says, "I can cure this, but you can use this powerful healing only once a year! All you have to do is say...

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

How do you tell who at the playground plays the trombone?

They can't swing and are always complaining about the slide

An aide slides up to Trump and whispers in his ear discreetly

"Mr.President, one of your shoes is black, and the other is brown!"

Trump said

, "Yes, I noticed it myself. I went to change but when I looked in the closet, the only other pair I had was also one black and one brown"

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What gets longer if pulled, fits snugly between breasts, slides neatly into a hole, chokes people when used incorrectly, and works well when jerked?

A seatbelt

Biker

A duded-up city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. He sits at the bar and notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, he bravely asks the old biker, 'If you ain't gonna eat that,...

A young man walks up to the bar and sits down next to a young blonde woman.

As he sits down the 10 o’clock news comes on. The news team were at the scene of a man who was preparing to jump from a tall building.

The blonde looks over to the man and asks “Do you think he’ll do it?”.

The man answers “Yes, I think he probably will. In fact I’m willing to make a be...

How did the horse slide into the other horse’s dm’s?

hay

An Irishman, a Russian, and a Blonde

An Irishman, a Russian, and a Blonde come across a magical slide. They each decide to take a turn. The Irishman goes first, sliding down and shouting "GOLD!", and finding himself in a pile of gold as he reaches the bottom. The Russian amazed slides down screaming "VODKA!", and lands into bottles of ...

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

Man in bed with his wife... Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders... across her waist.. under her neck... below her neck... under her back.. & suddenly STOPS! Wife: (in a romantic voice) "Why did you stop?"

Man: "Got the remote, you can go back to sleep."

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A tourist is walking through an isolated village in India

As his walk progresses, his stomach starts to gurgle and his butt puckers like the mouth of an infant who was cruelly given a lemon.

He looks around for a place to privately relieve himself. He sees an outhouse and rushes inside. In the outhouse is just a short divider wall to lean over and...

Old joke

Two mental patients were planning their escape from the psych ward.

1st guy: "Once we get to the roof, I'll turn on the flashlight, and you can slide down the beam of light."

2nd guy: "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid! How do I know you won't turn the flashlight off?"

If you are not well informed about your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand. But, changing...

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Three female friends are at the bar, bragging about how much sex they get.

Somehow, this conversation gets to bragging about how loose they all are.

The first one says, "I get so much sex, I can fit two dicks at once, no problem!"

The second says, "Oh yeah? I get double- fisted every weekend and it feels great!"

They look at their third friend, and say...

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Old Marsh was walking home drunk...

...though the graveyard, and the silly ol' sod fell into an open grave just as it started to rain. He tried to climb up the sides but repeatedly slid on the mud, back into the grave. Finally, he resigned himself to his fate and settled into a dark corner of the pit to wait out the storm.

An...

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The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

Two cavemen are waiting at the doctor's office

The first says, "Me name Phil. Me get bee sting. Why you here?"

The second one, covered in blood, smiles and says, "Me name Mike. Me get hit by boulder during rock slide."

The first says, "That must hurt! Why you look so happy?"

The second says, "Me celebrating. It's Mike Ache D...

Chili special

Guy goes into a diner and sees the special of the day is chili. Waitress comes up and asks what he'd like and he says, I'll take a bowl of that chili. Waitress apologizes and says we sold out, that guy, pointing next to him, got the last bowl. The guy says okay that's fine I'll have a Dr pepper for ...

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One day 4 friends went to the playground and seen a magic slide

the slide gives you whatever you say while going down.
the first friend goes up and slides down and says "money!!!!!" and lands in money
the second friend goes down and screams "sweets!!" and lands in a pile of sweets
the third friend climbs up slips on the last step and says "oh shit"

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

I accidentally called a presentation a "slide deck"

Now everyone on the Zoom meeting knows I'm actually 40

What did the Frenchman say when he went down the slide?

Yes

Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...

Golfing and leprechauns.

One day a man was playing golf in Ireland and he sliced his drive and the ball went over to the side of the course and he heard an "ouch". The man looked over to investigate and saw that it was a leprechaun that he had hit with his ball.

"Oh I'm so sorry" said the man helping the leprechaun b...

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NSFW. What do lyrics from the cha cha slide and a redditors average sex duration have in common?

One hump this time

Two physicists and two mathematicians are invited to a conference at university

(You may think you’ve heard this before but I’ve got a twist on the ending)

The four guys meet up and find a train to the conference.

At the train station, the physicists buy two tickets each, but the mathematicians only buy one.

They board the train and begin talking, but when...

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A guy needs to get some plumbing work done

He searches for plumbers, finds the team that seems to be fit for the job and calls them. Two men arrive at his house and take a good look around. Finally one of them says: "Okay, we got it, come back in 3 days, we should be done".
3 days later the guy comes back and sees that they seem to have...

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Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

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I was in the motherland, when I walk into a pub with only one man in it. I pull up a chair as he slides me a beer and I ask him why he's all alone. He answers,

"You see that barn out the window? I built that barn all by myself with my bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Barn Builder? NO!" He points out the other window."Y'see that bridge out there? I built that all by myself, stone by stone with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor: The Br...

3 men went to a theme park

and walked up to a ride that said "magic slide". The 1st man read the sign and went down the slide yelling "gold!" Landed in a pit of gold. 2nd man read the sign, went down the slide yelling "silver!" Landed in a pot of silver. The 3rd man didn't bother reading the sign and just went down the slide ...

What do you call a joke in between two slides of bread?

What do you call a joke in between two slices of bread?

Cheesy

My friend came up with this, and to my knowledge it isn't anywhere else on the internet. Its very cringey but i digress

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide, and the operator says “If you say what you want when you’re sliding down, you’ll land in it”

The Englishman slides down, shouts “GOLD!!” and lands in a pot of gold
The Scotsman slides down, shouts “SILVER!!” and lands in a pot of silver
The Irishman slides down and shouts “WEEEEEEE!!”

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A blonde orders a beer

A blonde orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the blonde calls for another beer this happens. So ...

I’m so sick of hearing friction jokes...

If I hear one more, I won’t let it slide

My child is becoming addicted to water slides

I’m afraid she’s going down a slippery slope..

Went to visit my ol dad at the nursing home.

We sat quietly on the porch as he never was much of a talker. A nurse diligently stood by his side keeping an eye on him, every so often he'd start to slide sideways and she'd give him a gentle push to prop him up. I asked how he was doing and he said the place was fine, they just won't let him fart...

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

Several churches started having problems with squirrels damaging their buildings.

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with God’s divine will.

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had ...

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It's always such a relief when that piece of shit slides out of your ass after you've been struggling to get it out for 20 minutes

But hey, at least my uncle was enjoying himself...

The reason orange juice doesn't slide well on hard wood floors is

Because of pulp friction.

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Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

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A hearse is traveling up an icy hill when the back doors fly open.

The coffin drops on the street. It slides down the hill, and goes through a house. It keeps going through a school, then a church, then a grocery store, and then through a gas station. It busts through an arcade, and then through an office building. It breaks through the front door of a pharmacy...

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide! My 5 year old told me this. I'm sure it isn't OC, but I got a chuckle.

I took my dog to the water park,

Staff said it went against regulation, but...

This time they'd let it slide.

There are three kittens on a roof (science/nerd joke)

There are three kittens on a roof in a rain storm. Which is the last to slide off?

The one with the highest mu.

............................................................


(mu (can't create the symbol) is the coefficient of friction. But I bet you knew that already)

I got expelled for making blueprints for a water slide that goes up one side of my university and down the other.

Maybe I shouldn't have started by saying that I wanted to chute up the school.

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So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end.. (Nsfw)

So I was sitting at a bar the other night, when I see this lovely lady sitting down at the other end. . . I slide on down over to her and we start talking.

After a while of chatting and a few rounds I said "Listen honey, I was wondering if after we finish these drinks, you'd like to come bac...

Three women are in a bar.

They get to talking about how loose they are.

The first woman shoves a sausage up her kitty.

The second woman shoves a cucumber up her kitty.

The third woman slides down the bar stool.

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What's the difference between a conversation and a vagina?

Nothing, I can slide in and out of both of them

I was at the park today with my daughters.

And a bit later on, a woman arrived with several children. She began following the youngest, about 2, all around. Staying very close by, shouting, "Don't put your arms down like that, you'll break them." And, "OH no, that slide is much too high go down this one." And the like, a real helicopter mom...

What do you call a water slide with cocaine at the end?

A slippery slope

The vote for better slides in school playgrounds is on the ballot this year.

Unfortunately, I live in a swing state.

Three men walked to the top of a slide

At the top of the slide there was a wizard.

“Say what you wish for and you shall receive your wish at the bottem of the slide” said the wizard.

The first man slid down and shouted “SILVER” and at the bottem was alot of silver.

The seceond man slid down and shouted “GOLD” and ...

We were at McDonalds racing down the slides and I beat my son

I explained to the police it was because he was trying to cheat.

Foul Mouthed Parrot

One day a woman was walking by a pet store and the parrot call out as she approaches "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" The woman is irritated but keeps walking.

The next day, the woman walks past the same store and the parrot again calls out "Awk! Hey Lady! You're ugly!" as the woman draws nea...

Law Professor: “You’re currently failing your ethics course.”

Me: _slides a $20 note across the table_ “How about now?”
Professor: _pockets the note_ “Still failing.”
Me: “OK, can I have my $20 back?”
Professor: “What $20?”

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

I slide her panties to the side

So I could fit her socks in the drawer.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman find a magical slide

A sign at the top of the slide tells them that whatever they say as they go down is what they'll land in.

The Englishman goes first, and as he goes down the slide he yells "gold!" and lands in a big pot of solid gold bars.

The Scotsman goes down the slide and yells "diamonds!" and land...

An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman find a magic slide.

They read the sign; “Go down the slide, shout out your dreams, and whatever you desire will be waiting for you at the bottom.” Sure enough, there is an inflatable paddling pool at the bottom of the slide.

The Irishman goes first, throws himself down the slide and shouts “Drink!” He lands in a...

Three ropes walk into a bar...

They all sit down at a table and one of the ropes says “you guys stay here, I’ll go order the drinks.”

That rope then goes to the bar and the bartender says to him “It’s company policy to not serve ropes here.”

The rope then reruns to the table dejected and tells his buddies “Sorry g...

Two kittens are sitting at the edge of a slide. Which falls first?

The one with the lower mu

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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A young man is heading home from a big night in the town. As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.

A young man is heading home from a big night in the town.


As he walks through a seedier part of the city, he spots a lady of the night who is the most beautiful woman he has ever set his eyes upon.


He wanders over to her and quietly asks, "How much?"


The sex wo...

Two kittens are sitting on a sloped tin roof and start to slide down at the same time. Which kitten falls off the roof first?

The one with the smaller μ (pronounced mew).

Train ride to the conference [long]

So there's a big mathematical physics conference in London, and all the grad students from the University of Leeds maths (UKism for math) and physics departments all travel down to attend.

The physicists all queue up and get their tickets. The maths students buy one ticket between them. T...

Did you guys hear about the boy who got decapitated in a water slide incident?

On the plus side, everyone got to jump a head in line.

(Sorry for how terrible this joke is. I came up with it when the news story first hit like a year ago, but didn't think to post until recent news regarding the accident made me remember it.)

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3 girls are sitting in a bar

They are having a competition of vagina width

One girl says: my pussy is so wide, my husband can fit 2 fists in it
The second girl replies with: wow, that’s impressive, but mine is even wider. My boyfriend can fit 2 fists and both his feet.
The third girl, after hearing all this just sm...

Just remembered a classic from my childhood

When I say childhood, I mean from the playground at primary school.

3 men are out for a walk when a man approaches them.

"Come with me, I have a magic slide. Whatever you shout as you slide down it, you will land in"

The first man climbed into the slide "Gold!" He shouted and la...

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Two guys in brothel

Two young guys come to the brothel, they knock on the door and sliding peephole opens

Man with gruff voice asks : What do you want?

Guys : To get inside

Man : How much money you got

Guys, after going trough their pockets : erm ... 20$

Man laughs : For that much you...

Why was Sauron playing on the slide?

Because he was bored of the swings.

Magic slide

Three friends - two men and a blonde woman - are exploring the African wilderness.

They come across a mystical looking place with a really long slide. The slide has a sign next to it that reads, "Welcome travellers to the slide of dreams. Take a ride! As you get to the bottom of the slide sho...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you 10,000 dollars you can slide an empty pint down the table and I can piss it full to the top without spilling a drop before it stops…”

The bartender accepts the challenge and when tested the man fails miserably. He urinates all over the bar. The bartender jumps up and down and cheers as the man hands him ten thousand dollars in cash. Then the bartender notices a man crying in the corner and says “What’s his problem”
The first...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was little, we were so poor that Dad had to bust a hole in the septic tank just so we could slip and slide.

It was a shitty slip and slide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman find a magic slide with a steep drop at the bottom. A notice on the slide tells them that they will be given whatever they say while going down and to use it with caution.

The Englishman goes first and screams "Gooooold". He lands on a pile of gold an...

What did the french boy say while going down the slide?

Ouiiiiii

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sits down at a bar and see a jar full of $10 bills.

He asks the bartender, “Hey barkeep! Whats up with this jar of money?”
The bartender replies, “The game is simple. Put in $10, complete a challenge, and you win the jar.”
The man is intrigued and slides in a $10 bill. “Alright, whats the challenge?”
“First, you have to drink this entire bo...

A man is in the final stages of getting ready for his wedding...

Everything is going well except for one small matter of his bride to be's extremely hot younger sister. One afternoon, a week before the big day, he finds himself alone with her in the house. She slides up to him and suggests to go upstairs - before he finally settles down to a life of wedded bliss....

Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman - slide

There is an Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman. A genie tells them that they can go down the slide. When they do, whatever they call out they will land in at the bottom.

The Scotsman goes down the slide and shouts “Silver” and lands in a pile of silver

The Irishman goes down the sli...

A guy turns to his buddy during an archaeological excavation and slides one headphone back off his ear...

"Hey man, I really dig this album!"

A joke my granddad once told me as a kid:

At a mental hospital there is a man and a doctor assessing his sanity.

The doctor takes out a 100 dollar bill and an apple and sets it on the table

"Mister, I want to give you something. Which of these do you want?"

The man looks at the 2 objects hard, and eventually takes the a...

A genie had a magic slide.

The genie went and gathered three men. He told them that if they needed to simply say what they wished for while sliding down the slide and their wish would appear at the end of the slide.

The first man went down and shouted "Money!" and landed in a pile of money.

The next man went dow...

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