UPJOKE
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I love that the Earth is spinning

It literally makes my day

Why don't more men take spinning classes?

Because guys don't want to be a around a bunch of women on their cycle.

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.

One to hold the bulb, and one to drink until the room starts spinning.

My first job was as a sign spinner for a peep-show. I was supposed to stand on the corner and attract attention by spinning a sign or acting crazy...

...whatever it took to keep the customers cummin'.

What do you call a spinning potato

Rotato

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I thought I wouldn’t like masturbating while spinning in my desk chair.

But I’m coming around to it.

What do you do when you see a baby spinning in circles?

Stop laughing and untie him from the ceiling fan

What's the fastest spinning country?

France, because it has the most revolutions per minute.

Isaac Newton would be spinning in his grave

But gravity won't let him

When I met my wife, I felt like my heart was going to jump out chest, my head was spinning, and I couldn't think straight, the only thing I could think was...

... "That's the prettiest doctor I've ever seen, I'll ask her out if she's able to save me."

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

What's worse than attaching a baby to a washing line and spinning it around at 100mph?

Stopping it with a shovel.

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Woman comes home and tells her husband...

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headach...

Why was Benjamin spinning around and sleepy?

Because Benadryl

Two men standing on opposite sides of a windmill disagree about which way the blades are spinning.

The man in front insists they’re going clockwise. The man behind says no, it’s obvious they’re going counter-clockwise. After a while, they agree to look at it from each other’s perspective. They realize that they were both right, it’s all a matter of perspective.

The moral of the story is th...

What do you call Bob Ross spinning around in circles at a theatre play?

Aphrodisiac

If my grandmother knew how much I spent on her funeral

She would be spinning in her ditch

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What does watching golf and a giant spinning dildo have in common?

They both bore the fuck out of you.

What do you call Michael J. Fox spinning around in a chair?

A fidget spinner

A blind man walks into a bar with his looking dog , and on entering picks the dog up and starts spinning the dog

Bartender asks- WTF you doing?
Man- I am just looking around.

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What's the hardest part about fidget spinning?

Telling your parents you're gay.

Why was Jesus hanging around the spinning teacups carnival ride?

He was taking away the sins of the whirled

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What do you call a spinning, bisexual dinosaur that loves Juno & Superbad?

Biceratops

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doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

My Car spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of people

And My Korean friend screams "Hit the Blakes" & I'm like "I can't be that selective"

Young boy: Mommy, Mommy I can't stop spinning in circles!

Mommy: Shut up, or I will nail your other foot to the floor too!

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Cletus gets his first job at a small town gas station.

One day, a big old station wagon with Texas plates shows up. He had never seen a car from Texas come in before, so he was impressed. He walks up to the driver’s side. In the front seat we’re two big cowboy looking dudes. The diver says “Fill er er up, son”. Cletus nods and heads towards the rear of...

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A Dyre Predicament

"So kind of you to cruise by, Superman. How are the kryptonite shackles treating you?"

"You won't get away with this! Who are you anyway? I've never fought you."

"Oh, that's because I'm not a villain. And I intend to keep it that way, which brings me to the nature of today's exercise...

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Two guys working at a sawmill....

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
"Incred...

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Albert the village postman is retiring after 50 years on the job

So he puts on his satchel and collects his last mailbag from the post office, and sets out on his last round.

He drops off a few letters at the local library. The librarian smiles and presents him with a leather bound volume of The Complete Works of Charles Dickens: "Here you are, Albert. We...

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