UPJOKE
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What do you call an emo with a flat chest?

a cutting board

Tell me a flat tire joke...

No pressure

The only thing flat-Earthers fear

Is sphere itself

What is the best proof we have that the world is not flat?

If it were, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now.

Two flat tyres...

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

flat earth

Idebated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.

Proudly showing off his new flat…

… to his friends last night, a slightly tipsy man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that for?” one of the guests asked.
“That’s the talking clock,” the man replied.
“How does it work?” asked his friend.
“Watch…” the man said, giving it a whack with...

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

What happens when a frog gets a flat tire?

He gets toad.

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

Got a flat...

Got a flat in one of my new high-tech tires.

Emailed the company. They sent me a patch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been div...

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

A Mechanical Engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent...

..are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire. The purchasing agent says

"We need to buy a new tire"

the mechanical engineer says

"no, I think I can fix this one"

and the software engineer says,

"let's drive on it for a while, mayb...

Earth day joke: is the planet round or flat?

Neither, it is screwed.

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “**Wait, inside?!**”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper th...

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?

Because if the Earth is round, their world would be pointless

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?

Spheremint

What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a Plane

The earth used to be flat but that was up....

...until they buried yo momma

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

What is a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

A guy and a girl get a flat tire one cold winter’s night.

The guy goes out to change the tire, but he has no gloves, and after a while, his hands start to get blue, so he comes back into the car.

“Put your hands between my thighs and that'll warm them up,” invites the girl. He does, and pretty soon his hands recover, and he goes back outside. Aft...

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

Knew somebody who used to live in a giant tire.

He got a puncture one day……..
#
#
#
Now he lives in a flat.

I heard that the flat earthers are against covid restrictions.

It apparently drives them over the edge

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

Flat Earthers vindicated

The surface of the earth is approx 70% water. None of it is carbonated, thus proving the earth is flat.

What did the flat-earther say after finally seeing the earth from space?

Half of the so-called “continents” are missing.

Why do you have to use email to communicate with a flat earther?

You can't reach them with fax.

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

Dear Flat Earthers

What's on the other side of the disk?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat...

What happened to the Guns N' Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

If you have a flat, and need a lift

Are you a stranded american or a lazy brit.

What did the vegetarian say when they were stranded with a flat tire?

Should have brought asparagus.

I used to share a flat with 3 beautiful women.

Until they found out...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

Lining up for Drinks at the Party.

Two friends decide to throw a party to celebrate them getting their new flat and invite everyone they know. One of them prepares a huge bowl of punch for everyone and the other brings a soda fountain that he just bought.

The party rolls around and everyone is enjoying themselves; all of them...

Nigerian man found dead in his flat with $45million cash

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?

A flat miner

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

I was a flat earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5

How do you get a flat-Earther to shut up?

Just push ‘em off the edge.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except

that the Earth is Flat

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A man was seated next to a kid in an airplane

The man felt bored so he decided to talk to the kid. So he turned to him and asked “How about we talk for a bit?”

Then the kid replied “ok so what do we talk about”

The man (clearly wanting to make fun of the kid) replies “How about nuclear power?”

The kid then catches on to the...

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

A round earth fact to a flat-earther is…

…like what thanksgiving is to a turkey

I bought a cheap yardstick that can only be used flat on a table...

It really doesn't measure up.

An Irishman was So drunk he couldn't stand up!

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands u...

A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Shiner...

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."...

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

A flat Earther goes to heaven.

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing ...

A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar

I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.

I was playing a flat earth documentary on Netflix when my wife walked in.

What you watching?

Sci-fi.

What’s another name for a flat-earther?

A Globe-a-phobe.

My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.

He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

Those damned Flat Earthers…

When will they finally realize that FLATTERY will get them nowhere?

She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up.

She was wrong on so many levels

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a Latina with a flat butt?

Bottomless Margarita

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a hardware store.

Hello sir! Can I help you find something?

I need a file.

Ok, you want one of the flat bastard files?

No, I need one of them round mother fuckers.

Joke by my 6yr old. What do you call a baby that crossed the road?

Flat baby

Seeking therapy for her now lol

Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches.

We decided it was a naan issue.

When a mine shaft collapses it’s known to make a specific musical tone when the air rushes through the tunnels. What note is it?

A flat miner

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

E flat walks into a bar.

The bartender says "we don't serve minors."

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway?

About three pounds.


(read outloud)

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"

[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate lets his dog drink beer with us every time we stay over.

One time the dog had about 4 or 5 bottles of the stuff in one evening.

I woke up the next morning in his flat to go for a pee and saw the dog lying awkwardly in his basket looking a bit worse for wear. Hung-over, I’m sure.

I said “How you feeling buddy?!” mid-piss and to my surprise ...

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

I was going to make a geometry joke, but when I made it it fell flat

I guess it was too plane. Back to square one

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

Five friends were so confident about passing the finals that on the weekend, they decided to go for a picnic. They had a great time.

However, after all the partying, they spent all Sunday sleeping and didn't make it back to college until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the finals then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him, why they missed it.

They said that they had gone ...

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

remember when jokes like this were funny... before smartphones?

A chap walks into a pub carrying two suitcases. He puts them down and orders a drink. As he pays the barman notices that he is wearing a large watch.

'That's a large watch' says the barman (see I told you!)

'This watch,' says the man, 'is the very latest in high tech gadgetry. It'll te...

Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes)

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks.

Did you hear about the lady from England who was so flat she couldn't fill an a-cup?

She was a real manchester

Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.

"what is this?"I asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like a lez on ya!"

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.

You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round.

The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree

Because after all, we're all on the same side.

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

What did the fresh Coke say to the flat Sprite?

“Wow, you’re sodapressing.”

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