What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

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A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper th...

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

What vegetable do you need when you get a flat tire?

A-spare-I-guess.

If you have a flat, and need a lift

Are you a stranded american or a lazy brit.

How does the headless horseman fix a flat tire?

With a pumpkin patch

Say what you will about flat earth theory

But last time I checked all the water on the surface of the earth isn't carbonated

Dear Flat Earthers

What's on the other side of the disk?

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

I used to share a flat with 3 beautiful women.

Until they found out...

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

Two blondes are looking at a flat tire.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

What do you call violence inflicted upon flat breads?

*Naan* violence.

How do you get a flat-Earther to shut up?

Just push ‘em off the edge.

I bought a cheap yardstick that can only be used flat on a table...

It really doesn't measure up.

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except

that the Earth is Flat

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

A round earth fact to a flat-earther is…

…like what thanksgiving is to a turkey

A man at the bar realizes it's getting late and pays his tab to go home

As he tries to get off the stool, he immediately falls flat on his face. "Uh oh, I must have drunk more than I thought," he thinks.

He manages to drag himself over to the front door and pull himself upright, but as soon as he takes a step outside, he falls on his face again.
"Hoo boy, I r...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

Nigerian man found dead in his flat with $45million cash

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

The only thing Flat-Earthers fear

is sphere itself.

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You’re all wrong, the Earth isn’t flat or round...

It’s fucked

My flat-earther mate...

...decided to prove his point by walking to the end of the world.
In the end, he came around.

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman...

My grandfather was a peeping tom. He used to drill holes in the floor and spy on the people in the flat below.

He died recently, but I like thinking about him up there somewhere, looking down on us.

Those damned Flat Earthers…

When will they finally realize that FLATTERY will get them nowhere?

What’s another name for a flat-earther?

A Globe-a-phobe.

Want to know how to make a joke fall flat?

Spill something wrong in the punchline

Me and my buddy got into a debate about flat bread being used for sandwiches.

We decided it was a naan issue.

A flat Earther goes to heaven.

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing ...

I was playing a flat earth documentary on Netflix when my wife walked in.

What you watching?

Sci-fi.

A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar

I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

The earth aint flat

But it could be if yo momma fell over

How does a flat-earther travel the world?

On a plane.

My flat-Earther friend said he would walk to the end of the Earth to prove his point. -

Eventually, he came around.

She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up.

She was wrong on so many levels

On a cold, snowy day, a man's car has a flat tire in front of a mental hospital.

As he's trying to change the tire, several patients are watching him through holes in the fence. He puts the hubcap down on the snow, and starts putting the loose lug nuts in the hubcap. When he gets the wheel off, he accidentally steps on the edge of the hubcap, and the lug nuts go flying off in...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

Little Billy came home from school to see the family's pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home, Billy mentioned: Dad, our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs like that?

His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad, that's great," said little Billy.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad! Dad, we almost lost Mom t...

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

Irish drinking

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him,

"You know, a pint goes ...

A man sat in the pub.

He had been there all day from 3 onwards. As sunset was approaching he was still there. Midnight was closing time so the bartender asked him to leave.

The man, now very, very drunk from a day of non-stop drinking, stood up and fell over flat on his face. He tried standing up again, once agai...

I debated a flat earthier once

He got so mad that he stormed off saying that he would walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong. He’ll come around eventually

Kid: Dad, I need to fix my bike tire, it's flat. Dad: Kiddo, you need a henway for that. Kid: What's a henway?

About three pounds.


(read outloud)

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What do you call a Latina with a flat butt?

Bottomless Margarita

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

The International Flat Earth Society Annual Conference was going to be held on Zoom this year.

Unfortunately they all agreed on the same start time.

Why was the other bread jealous of the flat bread that started his own business?

He was a self made naan

The Flat-Earth Society is now recruiting new members...

We have chapters all around the world.

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

I don't really care if the earth is round or flat.

Because it's pointless either way.

A man walks into an old pub in Dublin, takes a seat at the bar and orders 3 pints.

After he is served he takes sips from them in turn and when all 3 glasses are finally empty he orders 3 more. The barkeeper, who has been watching him, has never seen such a weird style of drinking and says to the man: “You know when you leave a beer for too long it goes flat, so they would taste be...

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A man is showing off his new flat to a friend one night

As he leads the way into the bedroom his friend notices a huge gong on the wall.

"What's that for?" asks his guest

"Oh, that's the speaking clock" replied the man, "listen..." and with that he pounds the gong with a rubber mallet.

"For fuck's sake!" screams a voice through the w...

The Piano Player

Once, there lived a man, who was very good at playing the piano, and he became very rich from all of the concerts he played at. Eventually, he saved enough money to buy himself a large mansion. He was very excited at this. He packed up all of his belongings, including his enormous grand piano, and p...

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

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What's in a name?

An American college student visits Ireland while traveling throughout Europe. He finds a quiet town and enters a pub. It's empty save for the bartender and an old man at the far end of the bar. The American student sits down and politely orders a Guinness.

The old man speaks loudly and unprom...

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

'I vish to buy sex wit you.'

'OK,' says the girl, 'I charge 20 an hour.'

'..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.'

'No problem,' she replies cautiously, 'I can do little kinky.'

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprin...

E flat walks into a bar.

The bartender says "we don't serve minors."

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife

Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the phamacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please list...

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One from my granddad many years ago. "Why do seals have flat dicks?"

[Do an impression of a seal while clapping your hands near your groin]

What did the fresh Coke say to the flat Sprite?

“Wow, you’re sodapressing.”

My flatmate drank my cannabis tea earlier, and he is now walking around the flat as if he owns the place.

He's so high on my tea.

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

I was going to make a geometry joke, but when I made it it fell flat

I guess it was too plane. Back to square one

C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr...

Went I got home yesterday I found my wife on the kitchen floor with her best girlfriend lying on top of her, both naked, with flat pasta and tomato sauce all over them.

"what is this?"I asked

"What does it look like?"

"It looks like a lez on ya!"

The earth's not flat, it's a mobius strip and no one can disagree

Because after all, we're all on the same side.

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view.

And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.

Flat girls never have to confide in anyone.

They already got everything off their chest.

How many Kansas City Chiefs does it take to change a flat tire?

Just one. Unless it's a blowout. Then the whole team shows up.

Did you hear about the lady from England who was so flat she couldn't fill an a-cup?

She was a real manchester

So my friend was trying to convince me the earth is flat the other day...

Just kidding. He has no friends.

What shoes does a British apartment wear?

Flats!

My brother is a big believer in Flat Earth Theory

but he is starting to come around.

What is the difference between Q followers and flat earthers?

At least the earth exists!

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A rabbit, a fox and a bear were about to be drafted into the forest miltary

A rabbit, a fox and a bear were about to be drafted into the forest miltary.

First, the recruiters came to Mr Rabbit's home.

- Knock-knock
- Who is it?
- We're the recruiters, we want to draft you to the army.

Mr Rabbit thinked fast and he cut of his thumb. Then he opened ...

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.

It's a Thor subject for them.

Me: The Earth is not flat

Fiat Earther: Yes


Me:???


Fiat Earther: Its shaped like an Italian car


Me: What?


Fiat Earther: You read my name wrong,didn't you?

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A flat earther as your Secret Santa

A bunch of employees participate in the annual Secret Santa exchange. They all draw a name from the hat. They all say what they want as presents.

A woman stands up and jokingly says “I want a bra for my big globes.”

A man in a serious manner replies “I’ll get you a boob job instead.”

The real reason for the missing of many flat-earthers in recent weeks as suggested by their friends of similar thought

The Flat Earth Society has reported that the 6 foot social distancing measures have led to the pushing of some of their members over the edge.

Some laws that we didn't learn at school

01. *LORENZ'S LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR*

Once your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

02. *ANTHONY'S LAW OF THE WORKSHOP*

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

03. *KOVAC'S CONUNDRUM*

When u dial a wrong numbe...

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

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A man and his wife are lying in bed when they hear a knock at the door.

The man hears that the wind is blowing a gale and the rain is is getting heavier and decides it was just the wind and goes back to sleep.

A few minutes later they hear it again so his wife says "Honey, go check it out. It might be bad news"
The man reluctantly agrees and goes to the front ...

My wife is definitely a 5

‘Cause she has a flat top and a curvy bottom.

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An old Irish guy retires and moves to the country…

An old Irish guy retires and moves to the country, he visits the local pub on the Saturday night, orders 3 pints which the barman pulls. The old guy drinks the 3 pints then leaves. Same thing the next week and the next. On the 4th week, the barman knowing his routine says, if you just give me a n...

Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? A: To stomp out forest fires.

Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? A: To stomp out flaming ducks!

What do you call a person who believes in the flat earth

An astronomical idiot

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Why are the flat earthers always at the butt end of a joke?

Cos all their arguments fall flat.

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Today a flat earther friend of mine told me the earth was as as flat as my sense of humor.

I told him his girlfriends ass would've been a better comparison.

How many flat-earthers does it take to draw an arrow?

None. They can't make a point.

I can prove the Earth is flat

But people always tell me my arguments keep doing roundabouts

There was a famous pianist

There was a famous pianist that was moving to a new mansion he had just bought. He had with him two removalist trucks. One had all his personal belongings and furniture and the second had his favourite piano in it.

As they were travelling to the mansion they passed by a quarry. As they were ...

Best joke for ages.

Stevie Wonder went to play a concert in China, and he began by asking if the audience had any requests. They shouted: "Play a jazz chord! Play a jazz chord!"...

Stevie was a little puzzled, but he responded by playing an E minor scale, and then continued with a complex jazz melody that went o...

The planet earth can't possibly be flat.

If it was cats would have pushed everything not nailed down off the edge.

I was pretty mad when they told me my flat earth movie was nominated for an award.

Golden globes

Our planet successfully played most notes on the piano.

But it couldn't B flat.

An anti masker, An anti vaccer, A flat earther....

An anti masker, An anti vaccer, A flat earther all went to the bar...
..
..
..
Now that's can't be coincidence

I like flat earthers

They make me feel more intelligent

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These are genuine clips from council complaint letters

1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
3. it's the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it h...

I am a flat-earther

In fact I have many flat earther friends...’round the world

A newlywed couple arrived back from honeymoon to move into their tiny new flat.

"Care to go to bed?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said his blushing bride. "These walls are paper thin. The neighbours will know what you mean! Next time, ask me in code - like, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' - instead." So, the following night, the husband asks: "I don't suppose you lef...

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Keeping your horse satisfied.

A rag and bone man decides the streets of London aren't like the old days, so he decides to retire his cart and long time partner, his horse. He has invested long ago in a large acreage property in the country with lovely pastures and a barn for his horse.

When he breaks the news to the horse...

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She loves going commando

There was once a woman who never wore panties. One day she decided to go shopping for a new pair of shoes, and since she was wearing a skirt, the salesman was enjoying the view.

After trying on her fifth pair of shoes, the salesman can't stand it anymore and said "Lady, that is a beautiful si...

I met this really short man called Peter the other day. He's a baker and he was telling me all about baking flat breads...

It was fascinating....

I love the pitta patter of tiny Pete.

What do a kinky lawyer and a flat earther have in common?

Pulling evidence out if their ass

General approaches the Bugler

The General went to the company Bugler.

I understand that you're something of a composer. One of my senior officers has been run over by a tank, and I'd like you to write a funeral dirge for him.

No sweat.

What key will you compose it in?

It would be fitting to use A flat...

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