UPJOKE
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Earth is flat!

I mean, when was the last time you came across naturally carbonated ocean water?

I remember when I was a kid, you could fill up a flat tire with air for free. Now it's $1.50.

That's the price of inflation.

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

I was in an argument with a flat Earther

I told him I didn’t believe him.
He said he would video himself walking to the edge of the world.
He’ll come around eventually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're all wrong, the Earth isn't flat or round...

It's fucked

The Earth was flat....

...until they buried yo mama.

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

the only thing flat earthers fear...

Is sphere itself!

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

Hi-Tech Tire Flat Joke, revisited

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two priests (NSFW)(long)

Two priests were driving in a car during a pouring rainstorm when they got a flat tire. They got out to change the tire, but just as they started a man pulled up and said "Father, you should wait in the car where it's dry. I'll change the tire for you."

The priest agreed but told the man to m...

A flat earther is shown a map of the world

"Not only is this world flat as the map truly shows it to be but all the places and physical features are also fictional!" He says

"Why do you think that?" Someone asks

"Because in the key on the side it says everything is a legend."

Two flat tyres...

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

Do you know why Ducks have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

what do you call a flat emo girl?

a cutting board.

I was a Flat-Earther for 4 years

Then I turned 5.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman got married not long after high school and her husband broke her heart when he ran off with another woman. She eventually got back into the dating scene, and fell in love again with another man. They married but he turned out to be an asshole who hit her when he was angry.

She divorced him as well. Over time she met a third man who seemed perfect for her in every way but one- he was terrible in bed. She married him anyway, reasoning that sex would improve the more they knew eachother but it didn’t, and after a year she finally divorced him.

Having now been divo...

Hey, have you heard of the guy with a completely flat face?

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

I told my new flat mate that she reminded me of my little toe. “Is it because I’m small and cute?” she asked....

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

What is the best proof we have that the world is not flat?

If it were, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now.

I debated a flat earther once

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

I am telling you the earth is flat!

It’s made up of 70% Uncarbonated water!

What vegetable do you need when your tire is flat?

A-spare-I-guess

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A flat earther dies and goes to heaven.

At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, "Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question."

The flat earther asks, "God, is the earth flat?"

God responds, "The earth is 100% a globe."

The flat earther exclaims, "Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper th...

The flat earth society

Is relatively large organization with members all across the globe

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

Whats the difference between a flat and an apartment

One’s 2D

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar in Texas and orders three beers. He sits at the bar, drinking a sip out of each glass in turn.

This goes on for a few weeks till the bartender says " You know beer goes flat after pouring - why don't you just buy them one at a time?"

The cowboy replies, "Well,...

C, E flat and G walk into a bar.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

A blonde girl excitedly arrives home from school.

“Mommy Mommy, all the other kids can only count to 4, but I counted all the way to 10! Is it because I'm blonde Mommy?”

“Yes dear, it’s because you’re blonde.”

The girl returns home the following day even more ecstatic.

“Mommy mommy! When we dressed for gym class, all the oth...

What's flat & have 4 legs?

Dad : Here's a riddle, son. What's flat & have 4 legs?

Son: A table.

Dad : Wrong.

Son : A stool.

Dad : Wrong again, son.

Son : I don't know dad. What's the answer?

Dad : It's Mr. Whiskers, our cat which I had just accidentally ran over with the car.

Tell me a flat tire joke...

No pressure

Flat-earthers have heard their theory is spreading around the globe

They don't believe it.

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.

He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The doctor replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a milli...

What happens when a frog gets a flat tire?

He gets toad.

I got out of my car, exasperated, and phoned my wife. I said, "Unbelievable...I was on my way to the bowling alley with my friends and my tyre went flat."

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

The real reason why some people think the world is flat

The oceans are uncarbonated.

I have six goldfish named Major, Minor, Flat Nine, Bebop, Altered, and Blues.

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

A guy gets into work late one day, clearly upset.

His co-worker asks him “Hey Jim, what happened, man? Why are you late?”

“I got a flat on the way in. Cost me at least an hour dealing with it,” Jim grumbles.

“How’d you get a flat?”

“Eh, I ran over a bottle in the middle of a crosswalk.”

“In the middle of a crosswalk? Did...

If you’re flying through the desert and your boat gets a flat tire, what should you have in your pockets?

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

What do the square-root of 2 and flat-earthers have in common ?

They're both completely irrational.

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

What is a flat earther's least favorite flavor of gum?

Spheremint

Flat earthers are very worried about the pandemic.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

The Prodigal Vulture

Several years ago, in a very flat place called Kansas, there were two vultures named Beaksly and his son, Red. Life for these vultures was pretty simple. Wait for a predator or car to plow into an animal, then swoop in and devour the dead body.

However, Red was rapidly approaching what would ...

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

Why are there no highly credited esteemed flat-earthers?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?

Because if the Earth is round, their world would be pointless

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “**Wait, inside?!**”

Proudly showing off his new flat…

… to his friends last night, a slightly tipsy man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that for?” one of the guests asked.
“That’s the talking clock,” the man replied.
“How does it work?” asked his friend.
“Watch…” the man said, giving it a whack with...

Nigerian man found dead in his flat with $45million cash

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

Whats the differerence between a flat earther and a knife?

A knife has a point

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Life in a nursing home

An old man was put into a nursing home by his son. He is unsure if he will adjust to the new living situation.

On his first morning in the home, the old man awoke with an erection. A beautiful blonde nurse had entered his room to check on him and upon seeing it, bent down and blew him without...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

Flat Earther goes to Heaven

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ...

What is a flat earther's favorite clothing brand?

Land's End

What did the flat-earther say after finally seeing the earth from space?

Half of the so-called “continents” are missing.

Dear Flat Earthers

What's on the other side of the disk?

An old Music Joke

So a C, an E-flat and a G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
...

Flat Earthers vindicated

The surface of the earth is approx 70% water. None of it is carbonated, thus proving the earth is flat.

A flat-earther dies and goes to heaven.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h...

My friend was so convinced of flat earth, he said he was going to Antartica to find the edge.

He came around eventually.

Why do you have to use email to communicate with a flat earther?

You can't reach them with fax.

I heard that the flat earthers are against covid restrictions.

It apparently drives them over the edge

I used to share a flat with 3 beautiful women.

Until they found out...

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

What's the most dangerous thing a flat-earter can do?

Living life on the edge.

A blonde girl called Jenny came skipping home after school.

"Mommy mommy! Today in school, everyone else only counted to 5, but I counted to 10!"

The mom replies, "That's great honey!"

Jenny then asks, "Is it because I'm blonde?"

"Yes sweetie" says the mom.

The next day, Jenny comes home skipping and calling out "Mommy mommy! To...

I saw a homeless man living in a tire today, so I popped it

Now he lives in a flat

TIL that MR T used to wrap victims in flat bread to torture them

He liked to pita the fools

What happened to the Guns N' Roses tour bus when it got a flat tire and had to be jacked up for repair?

Its axle rose

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

What did the vegetarian say when they were stranded with a flat tire?

Should have brought asparagus.

How do you get a flat-Earther to shut up?

Just push ‘em off the edge.

What would happen if a piano fell on top of you?

You'd b-flat.

A flat Earther goes to heaven.

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

I just got kicked out of a Flat Earth Facebook group....

.... because I asked if the 1.5m social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

I agree with Flat Earthers on every thing except

that the Earth is Flat

Guys, I'm not saying that Flat Earthers, Anti-Vaxxers, and Creationists are unintelligent people but...

there is a reason why shoes with Velcro straps come in adult size.

What’s another name for a flat-earther?

A Globe-a-phobe.

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

An old sailor once told me you could hear the calm before the storm.

He said it sounded like a C flat.

She kept saying that the Earth was flat while the elevator we were in kept going up.

She was wrong on so many levels

A vegan, an anti-vaxxer, and a flat earther walk into a bar

I know because they told everyone in 5 minutes.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the Hwy coming home.

So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out and reached in the side compartment. I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coat...

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

A round earth fact to a flat-earther is…

…like what thanksgiving is to a turkey

I was playing a flat earth documentary on Netflix when my wife walked in.

What you watching?

Sci-fi.

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