Flat Jokes

a cutting board

He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.

I forgot to zip up my trouser.

So a lady told me politely, "Sir, your garage is open".

I gave her a naughty smile as I zipped up and asked, "Did you see my Range Rover parked inside?".

She smiled back and said, "No, just one small Toyota with two flat tyres".

Is sphere itself.

he stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.

He'll come around, eventually.

but then they buried yo mama.

A-spare-I-guess.

I replied “No, it’s because when I get drunk I’ll surely end up banging you on the coffee table...”

In the end, he came around.

on a plane

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

The only way I can tell them apart is by their scales.

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

Because flattery will get you nowhere.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

Then I turned 5

"Oh, yeah. Him. He got fired."

That’s a relief

Foucault.

He spent the last 10 years trying to share it, but no one replied to his emails.

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ... read more

That's the price of inflation.

They ask the bartender for a drink. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve minors here”. E flat walks out while C and G have a fifth between the two of them.

They are afraid that social distancing measures may push people over the edge.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them.

After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. So D comes in and heads for the bathr... read more

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

Blue, because ice cream has no bones

Until they burried joe mama.

(might've been posted earlier, sorry if so)

They caught him trying to expand his sphere of influence.

If it were, cats would have knocked everything off the edge by now.

So they can stomp out forest fires.

Do you know why elephants have big flat feet?

So they can stomp out flaming Ducks.

Because there is always a rounding error.

They're both completely irrational.

A knife has a point

I told him I didn’t believe him.
He said he would video himself walking to the edge of the world.
He’ll come around eventually.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

A life long Flat Earther named Greg dies and goes to Heaven.

Upon arrival at the Pearly Gates he meets St Peter who says "Welcome to Heaven Greg, today is your lucky day you're one of hundred people who can ask a question to God

Greg: Can I ask him anything?

St Peter: Anything ... read more

"Not only is this world flat as the map truly shows it to be but all the places and physical features are also fictional!" He says

"Why do you think that?" Someone asks

"Because in the key on the side it says everything is a legend."

I got a flat in a high-tech tire on my bicycle.

I contacted the manufacturer, and they downloaded a patch.

Unfortunately, it was a cheap, 2-bit patch

Only covered a quarter of the byte the dog took out of my tire.

Spheremint

No pressure

It’s made up of 70% Uncarbonated water!

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

"Have you got a spare?" she questioned.

"Honey," I sighed, "I'm not at the bowling alley yet."

You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round.

One’s 2D

No?

I didn't think so, he likes to keep a low profile.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

… to his friends last night, a slightly tipsy man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong.

“What’s that for?” one of the guests asked.
“That’s the talking clock,” the man replied.
“How does it work?” asked his friend.
“Watch…” the man said, giving it a whack with... read more

It's funny making a flat earth beliver angry, but if you push them over the edge then you're only proving them right.

He arrives in heaven and is met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“You’ve lived your life free from sin and because of this, we welcome you into heaven my child.” Says Saint Peter.

The flat-Earther breathes a sigh of relief and starts to make his way through the gates of heaven. Before h... read more

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

We argued about how many members the flat Earth community had. He said "We have members all around the globe".

When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. T... read more

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

It's a Thor subject for them.

They don't believe it.

Land's End

The oceans are uncarbonated.

...because they made a *round*ing error

I had a flat tire on the I-95 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.
They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!
Just as I had hoped, cars started s... read more

A Globe-a-phobe.

You're not from round here are ya?

Until they found out...

They make me feel more intelligent

But last time I checked all the water on the surface of the earth isn't carbonated

Because it's pointless either way.

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

One says to the other, how bad is it?
The other says, not bad it's only flat on the bottom.

that the Earth is Flat

Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat.

[EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum

Toast

Living life on the edge.

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when
they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying
to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?"
He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off."

Just push ‘em off the edge.

In fact I have many flat earther friends...’round the world

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve minors."

Oh wait. I should be careful with these puns. I could get in treble.

…like what thanksgiving is to a turkey

He knows this and is nervous while changing the tire.

It doesn't help that one of the patients is watching him from the other side of the fence. The guy drops two of the lug nuts and can't find them. Starts to panic.

The patient speaks up: "Just tighten up the remaining two opposite ... read more

Half of the so-called “continents” are missing.

They're going to call it the iKia.

You can't reach them with fax.

I told him to make up his mind.

Girlfriend: Noo It isn’t you idiot..

Boyfriend: But you are my world baby...

Girlfriend: Awww you are so cu.... wait what!?!?